(Dance music playing)
Oh, look, jim. They're playingthat stupid video game again.
Hey, hey, girls,come on.
I told you this game is gonnaturn your mind to mush.
(Music stops) outside.you should be outside.
Oh, man, I was next.
Come on, go.go climb a tree.
Play in a puddle,put poo on a stick
And chase each other.
Enjoy your youth.you'll be dead soon.
(Jim) yeah.
Come on, go have fun.
You're going downthis time.
Bring it on,flashdance.
(Music resumes)
♪♪♪
(Grinding)
What is going on in here?what the hell is that?
Remember the moneyi was supposed to spend
On the insurance policy?i bought this instead!
What... A grind-your-own-sausage machine?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Check it out.we got all beef, all pork
And this baby. Ooh, look at that.
Ugh!
(Laughing)
We got fivedifferent animals in here.
We call it"noah's ark.&Quot;
(Groans)
Hey. All right,listen up, everybody.
We have really,really, really big news. Yeah, well,
It's gotta wait, 'cause we'remaking sausage history here.
Some kangaroo, please?
We're all out,but I got some fish sticks. Oh, bring it, bring it out.
Guys, seriously, this islife-changing news here.
Yeah. Okay, ready?we are gonna have--
(Grinding resumes)
(Grinding stops)
We're pregnant,you chimps.
What? Whoa!
Oh, my god!
Oh, honey! Congratulations!
That's terrific,honey.
You knocked up my sister.way to go. Oh.
Congratulations, doug.you took care of business.
I didn't knowyou had it in you. (Laughs)
I'm proud of you!
Him? I'm the onecarrying the baby.
His part lasteda minute and a half. What?
Honey, honey. Babe, come on. Wow, doc.a minute and a half.
Setting the bar kind of highfor the rest of us, huh?
(Laughing) okay, honey.
You have to tell me everything.are you nauseous?
Are your boobs sore?are you constipated, because--
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl,other room, please. Okay, okay!
You're gonna makethe sausage sick.
Hey, did you tell mom yet? Oh, no, I was goingto call her from here.
Okay, can I tell her? No.
Come on, you're married.mom's all I got.
Are you crazy?it's my baby.
Yeah. Good point.i'll, uh...
Take the phone and call her!
Hey, wait! (Laughing) yeah!it's the geek's turn now!
Doug, you know what?i gotta tell you.
I was all preparedto hate dana's husband,
Because I hate her so much,but you turned out to be okay.
Wow. I reallyappreciate that, jim,
Especially the kind wordsabout my pregnant wife.
Ah. (Andy) aah! Ohh! Whoa, whoa.
(Laughing) she's givingthe big guy a wedgie.
It's pretty funny.
Honey, I'm totallyhaving a gummy craving.
Did you bring them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.right here, babe.
Oh, great! Thank you so--oh, no.these aren't the right ones.
No, sure they are. They'rethe ones you loved this morning. No, these gummies are different.
So, can you go getthe good gummies? Oh.
Like now?thank you. Love you.
I love you both.
(Both speaking baby talk)
Okay.
So it begins.
What?
The longest nine monthsof your life.
What are you talking about?i love that we're pregnant.
But you know what?that's your first mistake.
&Quot;we're" not pregnant.
She's pregnant,you work for her.
The pay sucks,your boss is nuts,
And if you try to quit,the state comes after you.
I don't know, jim.
I mean, dana's been great.
Yeah, yeah. Well, just wait.it's gonna get really bad.
See, you gotta understand.when a woman is pregnant,
Their hormones are racingthrough them,
They got all this stuffgoing on inside them
That you justcan't understand.
Jim, I'm a fertility doctor.
Yeah. That means you weren'tgood enough
To be a real doctor, right?
(Laughing)all right, all right.
I'm just saying you haven'tlived with a pregnant woman.
And let me tell you,it is hell.
I mean, they get crazy,they get jealous,
They get whimpery,and then they get really insane.
I don't know. I mean,dana's a pretty sensible girl.
Yeah, yeah.so was lizzie borden.
I'm telling you,
When she was pregnant,i would--i would tell a joke,
And she wouldjust break down into tears
Right in front of me,and call me insensitive.
No offense, jim, but, uh,i am a little funnier than you.
Yeah. Can you, uh, opena beer bottle with your butt?
Don't worry about it.i'm gonna be there for you.
Okay. Question. Yeah.
Do I want you there?
Yep, you're gonna need me there.she's gonna run you ragged.
And don't fight back.never engage a pregnant woman.
Never. Never engage with--
You should never fight with themfor the whole nine months
And then days after.
But on day ...
Ha ha.
I mean, you can if you want,
But what's the comeback to"i got a life inside of me"?
(Dana) honey, have you left yetfor our gummies?
Oh, not yet, babe.
Is there something wrongwith the car?
Take my number.i'm a -timer.
Okay, here you go.dana's special chocolate milk.
(Sighs) I think I got it right.
Fourth timeis the charm.
Okay. Did you use a spoonfulof the dark chocolate,
A pinch of the maltedand a smidge of extra calcium?
Spoonful,pinch, smidge.
(Sighs) okay. Enjoy.
Yeah.
Closer...
Still not right.
Okay.
Why don't yougo downstairs
And take a whack at makingthe special chocolate milk?
Because I've been up and downthe stairs four times, babe. Oh, honey, I am so sorry
I've made you go up and downall those stairs.
Ah, it's probably--yeah, thanks-- so that our unborn child
Could have the nutritionhe/she needs in order to live.
He/she? What, are youhaving a tr*nsv*stite? (Laughs)
(Clears throat)
What the helldoes that mean?
You know, I just sawa special on cable
About a hermaphrodite baby.
It was called,"who loves terry?&Quot;
And he/shehad no friends!
He/she had each other.
Do you have any ideawhat my body
Is going through right now?
Why doesn't anybody rememberthat I'm a fertility doctor?
Yeah, okay, babe,yeah, all right?
Your hormonesare obviously raging. Oh!
Okay, so,mr. Big fertility doctor's
Going to tell me about my hormones.
I happen to have aced hormonesin medical school.
Oh yeah? Well, I have a lifeinside of me.
You know what? I'll be back.i've got to go talk to somebody.
Who are you gonna talk to?that nurse
That you have a crush onwith the intimidating eyebrows?
No. Jim.and, man, was he right.
Jim? Jim was rightabout what?
Jim and I were talking.
About pregnant women,and how they're...
Not like normal... Humans.
Are you sayingthat I'm not... Human?
(Pager beeps)
Who's that calling?is that your skank?
No, it's the hospital,all right?
There's a woman in labor.i have to deliver a baby.
You love that patient's babymore than you love our baby.
No, babe. Hey, you know what?that's insane.
Then why are you leaving?
Because I have this job,that no one seems to remember,
Where I deliver babies.
Well, I'm not gonna be herewhen you get back.
(Pager beeps)
Look, babe. Listen, I really,really have to go,
But hey, you know what?
There's gummy bears inthe drawer if you want them.
Cinnamon flavor?
They don't make--
Oh! You don't love me!
(Sobbing)
So, he really said
He loved a patient's babymore than yours?
Yes. Word for word.
Oh. And then he said that I didn'tdeserve chocolate milk
Because I'ma fat tr*nsv*stite.
(Sobs)
Men get so weirdwhen we're pregnant.
I know.
(Gasps) you!
It was you!
(Jim) I didn't do anything!
You filled my husband's headwith your crap.
All right, I did do that.
Do you thinkpregnant women are nuts? What? I--what?
Did it ever occur to youthat maybe we're not nuts?
That maybe you'reall insensitive?
(Stammers)wait a minute.
I know betternot to engage in this.
(Chuckles)i'm gonna move in with andy.
See you in a coupleof months.
Men have no ideawhat it's like.
No, they couldn't handlebeing pregnant for five minutes.
No. What was that?
What was--what was that?
They're not tough enough.
Yeah, that's right.i said it.
Are you telling me
That clint eastwoodisn't tough enough? Oh.
That--that general pattoncouldn't have a baby?
I'm telling you right now,
d*ck butkus could havea baby at halftime,
Go out in the second half,kick ass while he breast-fed.
Men aren't tough enough-- okay, who's crazy?
Come on, cheryl, please.pregnancy isn't that hard.
Are you kidding me?okay, what about labor?
Labor. Yes!
Seriously, do youget paid for it?
We should. Well, yeah,i wish I had that job.
I'd like to be pregnant.
I'd like to stay home all dayand play with my big boobs.
Oh, cheryl, this is terrible.now I'm a single mother.
I'm all alone.what am I gonna do?
Oh, honey, you are gonna stayhere tonight and every night
Until you feel better.
No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa,whoa, wait a minute.
I did the pregnancy warsalready, all right?
I did three tours of duty.
You're not sending me outon another tour.
All right. Well, then,
You better talksome sense into ryan,
Or get usedto the air raid siren.
What air raid siren?
Honey, I thinkyou're starting to show.
(Wails)
All right, all right,all right, all right.
I get it, I get it,i get it. Okay.
I'll talk to ryan.
Hey, dana...
What?
Stretch marks.
(Wailing)
Oh, honey, honey, honey.
Excuse me. Excuse me,i need to--
Excuse me. Hey. I, uh,
I-i need to seedr. Gibson immediately.
He is deliveringa baby right now.
Great. Just show meto the delivery room
And toss meone of those masks.
You havevery intimidating eyebrows.
I suggest you take a seat.
I-i'm doing it.
Okay, okay, i...
I-i had them lowerthe thermostat, honey.
It'll get cooler soon.
But the smell is still awful.
I need you to changethe smell in here.
(Laughs) well, there's onlyone way I can change the smell,
And you've never likedthat one before.
That was so insensitive.
It was. It really was,and I am sorry, so sorry.
(Under breath) I thoughtit was very funny.
(Sighs)
The doctorwill see you now.
Oh, okay.
(Grunts)
How are you feeling?
Oh, I can't complain.
Summer's almost here,the cubs are on a roll,
I got a life inside of me.
You have got to do somethingabout the smell in here.
Wow. Downtownlooks really good.
Yeah? Yeah.
How's the breast tenderness?
Ooh! Still tender.yeah, yeah.
And you know, cheryl can'tkeep her hands off them now.
And where is cheryl,you know?
I thought for sureshe'd be here this time.
Oh, please, I don't need cherylto hold my hand.
Just put the kidup on a tv screen.
I've got to get backto work.
I got to lay downa foundation today.
Ooh, that's cold,that's cold.
Whew. Hey,
Can we watch my lunch digest?i just had a burrito,
I bet there'll be fireworksin there.
Wow, everything looksreally good, jim.
You want to know the sex?
I can tell by lookingat the screen.
Like father, like son.
(Laughs)
Oh, my god, I'm goingto have a boy.
Oh, you just hold tight there,little fella.
You're gonna be out soon,and I'll be holding you,
And I'll take youto your first ball game.
Hey, hey, hey. (Sniffles)
Come on. I can't believei'm blubbering like this.
I'm acting like a chick. Hey.
It's pretty weird.
(Scoffs) like a womancould handle this.
(Chuckles) please.
Look, I want to tell yousomething.
Every pregnant guygoes through this.
All right?that's your hormones.
Jim, you're doing great.
I am doing great! Yes, you are.
I am. I am.
I really am, aren't i?
I am doing a great job.
I'm working really hard. Shh.
It's okay.
(Door thuds)
Your baby's fine,by the way.
Oh, honey, i-i'm sorryi couldn't make it.
Dana came by and-- shh, shh, shh, shh.
Your son doesn't wantto hear it.
Oh! We're having a boy!
I'm having a boy.
You're havinga -bean salad.
I'll be in the garagerehearsing with the band.
Oh, jim, honey,
I-i got you those chipsyou've been craving, huh?
Salt and vinegar?
I don't likesalt and vinegar chips. No, but--but you--
I don't likesalt and vinegar chips.
You must be thinkingabout somebody else.
You must be thinkingabout that stock boy
At the market, the handsome one.what's his name? Julio.
Oh, jim.
Hey, jim. What?
Varicose veins.
(Wailing)
(Playing harmonica)
All right, guys,listen up.
(Sighing)
All right. What songdo you want to play?
Shh, please. I just gotapple asleep, okay?
If she doesn't have her nap,she's a terror.
Oh, come on, andy. We've gotband practice here.
We're gonna be playing music.it's gonna get loud in here.
Well, then, can we play "wheelson the bus go round and round"?
I love that song.
Let's do it! All right.
Whoa, whoa, hold on, fellas.i gotta go take a leak.
Junior's playing soccerwith my bladder. (Groans)
All right, well,hurry up.
Charlie, will you rub my back?it's k*lling me.
Oh, your sciatica? No, just my back.
Could you rub my backwhile he's rubbing your back?
You got a wifeto rub your back. Oh, cheryl, please.
She didn't even comefor the sonogram today. (Together) what?
Oh, typical.
Women. They're therewhen you're mixing the batter,
But where are they whenyou're baking the cake? Yeah.
All right, fellas,let's rock this--
Oh, damn.i gotta go again. Oh, jeez.
You know what? Forget cheryl.you know what? Forget the women.
We don't need the women.we're men. We're strong enough.
We can do it ourselves. Of course.
I-i don't know, fellas.
Man, life's been hellsince my baby's mama took off.
Now it's just apple and meagainst the world.
Oh, boy. Here comethe waterworks.
Oh. (Baby crying)
Oh, are you hungry, sweetie?
Okay, daddy's gonna fill youright up, all right?
Come here.
Oh, easy. Oh, man,my man-maries are k*lling me.
Have you seen anythingmore beautiful in your life? Mnh-mnh. No.
Oh, jeez, andy. Do youhave to do that in here?
I park my car in here.
Jim, what are these?
These? Oh, these aremy new paternity clothes.
Uh-huh. You like 'em?
Huh? The other oneswouldn't fit.
Oh, I lovethat silk panel.
Uh-huh.
What? What's wrong now?
Well, nothing, jim. It's just--you're buying all these clothes
You're only gonna wearfor a month.
Cheryl, I want to look nice.is that a crime?
Oh, jim, I mean, come on.a-a bears paternity jersey?
Adorable! Hey.
Seriously, when are youever gonna wear this again?
Well, what if it takes some timeto get my baby weight off?
Well, jim, how long'sthat gonna take?
(All gasping)
Cheryl, that is so insensitiveof you. Oh.
Cheryl, I got a lifegoing on in here, all right?
I've got a miraclegoing on in this belly.
Yes, I know, honey.it's a miracle.
A miraclethat has literally happened
To every personthat's ever lived.
It's quite an exclusive club.
(All gasp)
Oh, would youknock it off? Cheryl...
I wish you could be pregnantfor just five minutes,
And then you would seewhat it's like-- (gasps)
Oh, my god.my water broke! What?
I'm in labor! (Cheering)
I want the epidural!i want the epidural!
My water broke. I'm in labor.i want an epidural, cheryl.
Jim. I want an epidural!
Hey, jim! Jim.are you all right?
What?
Are you okay?
(Inhales sharply)
I'm fine.
I'm fine! But, ryan,you're not.
No, no, ryan, you'vegotta go back to my house,
And you gotta take careof the mother of your child,
Damn it. And you. You, sir,
You have got to fixthe smell in this room for her.
And no more stupid jokes. You said it was funny.
Yeah, that was funny.
From now on, the pregnant womanis always right!
And that includes me!
Come on, let's get backto the house.
All right!
Here we are.
I've got different kindsof gummy bears
And every kind of chocolatethat they make.
Jim, what's all this?
This is the nutritionthat our baby needs.
Hey, hey!
Ryan, come on.get in here. Let's go.
(Bells jingling) oh!
Look, I'm really,really sorry, dana.
(Whispering) not--no, no, no,that's not how it goes.
You do it different. Go on. I don't--what's different--
Do you love your baby? Yeah.
Well, just do it! (Sighs)
(Imitating cartoon voice)i'm sorry, dana.
I have a bell around my neck,and I want you to ring it
Whenever you need anything.and your husband...
(Normal voice)the fertility doctor...
(Resumes cartoon voice)will come running right away.
And? And?
And I also found out
That nurse eyebrowsis a lesbian.
(Dana clapping)
Please come home. Oh, of coursei'll come home.
Oh, look at that,will you?
Young love warmsthe cockles of my heart.
Who are you?
And where were youwhen I was pregnant?
You know, I could ask youthe same question.
What--jim,i'm being serious here-- shh, shh, shh, shh!
(Stammers)it's dana's time now. Oh.
That's it, precious.
You eat it up.daddy's got plenty.
Andy, what--whatthe hell was--what is that?
My sweet little baby.
What? Everybody,
Say hi to apple.
Oh... (Laughing)
I named her apple,
'Cause that's what I'm gonna jamin her mouth when I cook her.
(Together) aw!
Fatten up, little pretty. Oh.