Keep your eye on the ball.
Now I'm gonna throw it rightdown the middle, nice and easy.
You swing when I say swing.are you ready?
And swing!
All right.
We've established thatyou can play for the cubs.
Son, you've gotta understand.this is the first game
Where they're not gonnalet you use the tee.
They're gonna give youthree pitches,
And if you miss them, they'regonna bring the tee back out. I like the tee. It's easy.
Oh, yeah? You know whatthey're all gonna say?
They're all gonna say,
(Singsong voice) t-ball baby,stick your head in gravy.
Can't hit, baby,stick your head in gravy.
All right, they're a little moremean than clever,
But you're not gonna like it.
Maybe I should stay home. No, no, you don't haveto stay home, honey.
No, no, no.you're gonna do all right.
Really, you are. I'm gonnabe there. You know what?
Mom and the girls--we're all gonna be there
Because we want youto do well.
(Cheryl) I don't care if yougirls think baseball's crappy.
I had to take kyleto plenty of recitals,
And today it's your turnto be miserable
Because we're a family,and that's what families do!
Hey!
There's mama's boy!
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl,
We're trying to workon the boy's swing here.
Oh, okay. You have your choiceof snacks for today.
You have fun fruits,grape jingle juice
Or water crackerswith an olive tapenade. Huh?
Cheryl, I think you're takingthis mommy snack thing...
They gotgrape jingle juice? Yeah.
Since when did that happen? I don't know. I guessthey got your letter.
All right, son.you practice on that swing.
Keep it rightin the middle there.
Ball's gonna come in the middle.you're gonna hit it,
Because when you smack it,
It'll be the best dayof your life.
Go on. Keep practicing.good boy.
This is gonna bethe worst day of his life.
What are you talking about? What, are you blind?
The kid is terrible.are you sure he's mine?
I'm gonna tell youthe same thing I told you
When you caught himeating salad.
He is probably yours.
Oh, come on.is he really that terrible?
Oh, cheryl,he is worse than terrible.
He's like gracie-doing-balletterrible.
I'm in the dining room,you know.
Fine. He's likeruby-playing-the-flute terrible.
I'm in here, too.
I thought I told you to getbells for those kids.
It's one game.maybe he'll surprise you.
Yeah.
(Baseball bat clattering)
(Kyle) crap!
Well, at least he swearslike a ballplayer.
♪♪♪
♪ O'er the land of the... ♪
(Falsetto voice) ♪ free ♪
♪ And the home of the... ♪
(Voice wavering) ♪ brave ♪
Hey! Quit it!
Knock it off!
Play ball!
(Chants) k-y-l-e,hit a home run for mommy!
Cheryl, that is l-a-m-e!
You're drawing attentionto kyle,
My son who can'thit... E.
Oh, you rhymed e with e. Well done.
Strike one!
(Sighs) this is notgonna be good, honey.
I think I shoulddo something.
No, jim, this iskyle's at bat, not yours.
Hey, why don't you havesome more tapenade, huh?
Strike two!
Cheryl,i need to do something.
No. You're the the onewho's always saying
He needs to fighthis own battles. Why is it the only timeyou listen to my advice
Is when you canthrow it back at me?
(Umpire) strike three!
Bring out the tee.
(Laughing)
(Man laughing)they're bringing out the tee.
(Singsong voice) t-ball baby,stick your head in gravy.
This is notgoing very well.
I'm gonna go take a leak.
(Grunts) what?! What--
Andy, what the hellare you doing in here?
I'm not andy.i'm andy's ghost. What?!
That's right.i'm coming to visit
From the futureand the grave,
So you can seehow kyle turned out.
You--you're from the future,and you're dead?
Look, we don't have timefor questions.
You know, this is weird.i'm gonna pee in the bushes.
What the hell, andy?this...
This is my house.
Yes, it is,in the future.
Come on. Really?you're really dead?
Yeah. I d*ed ten yearsafter that baseball game.
I was pullinga bunch of orphans
Out of a burning building.
Come on.
Okay. Heart att*ck.
What do you want from me?it's those chili fries.
Why did god make somethingso bad taste so good?
Why don't you ask him?
We're not speaking.
Hey, look.there you are--
The future jim.
Wow. I look pretty good,
And cheryl looks great.
Hey, hey, there's ryan...
Dana's pregnant again?
With their seventh baby.
Not one namedafter a beloved uncle.
They have randy,sandy, brandy.
I've got it. What?
The namefor the new baby... Okay, okay, wait.here it comes.
Spandy. (Gasps)
(Gasps) oh, ryan.
Spandy--i like that.
Spandy?!
Yeah.
That doesn't make any sense!that's it. I'm haunting them.
There you go, jim.
Two sandwiches--just like every day. Mmm!
God, and you never gainany weight.
What, are you feeding oneto andy's ghost?
(All laugh)
No, if they werefor andy's ghost,
They'd comewith a side of chili fries.
(Cheryl and dana laugh)
Gosh, he was so fat!
Still not over my death.poor things.
Oh, well.
Wow, look at that.two sandwiches. Not so fast.
Okay, kyle. Lunchtime.
Is that--is that kyle? Yep.
Are they gone?
Yes, they're gone. Yes.come on. Come on.
Have some lunch with me.
Years old and still livingat home in that cabinet.
He never got overbeing laughed at
When they broughtthe tee out.
Were they laughingat me?
Like that timethey brought the tee out?
No, no, they think you're upin alaska racing sled dogs,
Like I told them.
I like dogs.
Dogs don't laugh.
Come on.eat your sandwich.
I can't.
Why not?
What if someone comes in? Well, so what?
They might tease me.
What are they gonna say,
Roast beef baby,stick your head in gravy?
Oh, god.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
This is terrible.
So I'm hiding himin my own house?
Well, sure.
You know this is your faultthat he's here.
Just pick it up.
I can't. I'll miss.
(Sighs) fine.
(Chuckles)
It's sad, isn't it?
And just think,five years' time,
Your son will be dead.
Dead?
I'm sorry. Did I say dead?i meant bald. Oh.
I should havedone something.
The boy needed methat day.
And you just sat thereand did nothing.
Kind of like the dayof my heart att*ck.
Actually,you did do something.
You finished my chili friesand paid with my credit card.
Andy, I gotta do something.help me.
Take me back. Let me--let me do something. Help--
No, no, no. That's notin my job description. Come on!andy, you gotta help me.
All right.on one condition--
Ten years from now,at my funeral,
No jokes aboutthe double-wide casket. Fine!
Just because I'm dead
Doesn't mean I don't havefeelings, jim.
(Andy) ♪ o'er the land... ♪
I'm getting a second chance.good.
(Falsetto voice) ♪ free ♪
♪ And the home of the... ♪
(Wavering voice) ♪ brave ♪
Play ball!
Oh! K-y-l-e,hit a home run for mommy!
Quit, please,the boy is hitting.
Just sit thereand mind your knitting.
Wait, wait, wait.where you going?
I gotta help my son out. Strike one.
I gotta get him on base.
Kyle! Time out.
Time out!
Kyle, come here.
Listen, first of all,hold this right.
I just can'thit that ball.
We've established that,
But the ball can hit you.
You get to go to first base.you know what that means?
They don't haveto bring the tee out.
You know what that means?nobody has to laugh at you,
And you don't have to live
In the cabinetunderneath the stairs.
That makes sense.
Yeah. Go out there, buddy.
Thattaboy.
Ooh!
(Gasps)
(Jim) thattaboy, kyle!
That's my boy!what a tough boy.
What a tough boy!
(Laughs)
Why don't your stick your head in gravy?
Jerk.
Come on!
Andy. Okay,take me to the future.
Show me what a great mankyle turns out to be.
Oh, james.
Oh, sweet,innocent, stupid james.
What's this?
Your son at work.
Well, this isn't so bad.he works with kids.
He's a loser.
A big loser.
And that's comingfrom a guy
Who was buriedin a harry potter costume.
Is everybody having fun? (Children) yeah!
Who's readyto hit the piñata?
(Children) we are!
What was that?
(Children) nosotros!
All right.
Hit the piñata hard enough,
And I will drop the candy!
Hit him harder!
Harder! (Jim) wait, wait,wait, wait, wait.
Harder!
This is what he is?he's a human piñata?!
He learned at a young age
The best way to succeedwas to get hit,
And just think,
In ten years' time,your son will be gay.
Gay?
Oh, did I say gay?i meant living in ohio.
Why do I keep doing that?
Come on. Let's go backin the time toilet.
(Andy)♪ o'er the land of the... ♪
(Falsetto voice) ♪ free ♪
♪ And the home of the... ♪
(Voice wavering) ♪ brave ♪
Throw this instead.
(Grunts)
(Applause)
(Coughs)
Play ball!
I'm gonna go talk to him. Whoa. Where you going?
Look, if what your dead brothersaid in the john is correct,
Our boy becomes a piñata.
Wow. I guess they're backto selling dollar beers
At the concession stand.
You know, mama is thirsty.
(Jim) time out! Time out! Time out!
Kyle, come here. Come here,son. Okay, son. All right.
First of all, switch your handslike we practiced.
Kyle, listen to me.you have to m*rder that ball.
You can't letthat pitcher b*at you.
This guy is your enemy.
Show no mercy with him.
Do you hear me?
Sure do, dad.
(Screaming)
No, kyle! No!
(Children shouting)
Attaboy, kyle!kick him in the nads!
I'll just be in the bathroom.
Gonna go... To the bathroom.
Okay. Where am I now?
You'll see.
Jim,i come to you on this,
The day of your daughtergracie's wedding,
To ask you this favor.
Please...
Please return my lawn mower.
(As marlon brando'sdon corleone) this I cannot do.
Why am italking like that?
You just haddental surgery,
And they haven'ttaken the packing out.
But, jim-- he said he can't do it!
(Chuckles nervously)
Kyle, my son,
Who taught you this...
This disrespect?
You did, pop.
Me?
Yeah, at t-ballwhen I whacked that pitcher.
Kyle...
This is family.
This is your uncle.
This is my enemy.
He's choosing the lawn mowerover the family!
But, kyle, it's summer,and the grass--it grows.
Kyle, what did you do?
Kyle!
Kyle, kyle, kyle!
Kyle.
Kyle,we have two lawn mowers.
(Jim) he's a maniac!
And just think, in a few years,he'll be in prison.
Prison?!
Oh, did I say prison?i'm sorry. I meant...
No, no, no.prison's right.
What have you done?
You've k*lled your uncle.
What are you, a snitch?
Do we havea problem here?
I'm good.
(Knock on door)
Oh, my god.it's the cops.
Bring it on.
Wait, what are you--kyle! Kyle! Kyle.
(Shell casings fall to floor)
(Italian accent)i's-a just coming to tell you
That they're cutting the cake.
Kyle!
You k*lled another uncle.
I gotta do something.i gotta turn this around.
Andy, take me back!take me back! Okay.
I gotta do--i gotta do something!
(Andy)♪ o'er the land of the... ♪
(Falsetto voice) ♪ free ♪
♪ And the home of the... ♪
Brave. (Umpire) play ball.
Damn it! Time!
(Cheryl) k-y-l-e,hit a home run for mommy! Come here.
Come here.
Kyle, I've got to turnthis thing around.
Come here.
Yeah. That's it. That's it.just give it a try, all right?
Oh, yes!
Go! Go!
A lefty. You're a lefty!
Yes! Yes!
Go! Run! Run! Come on!run! Run! Run!
(Jim) way to go!
Come on, kyle.come on... Kyle!
Kyle, oh, my son,you did it. You did it.
You did it. You hit the ball.you turned out great.
I would've turned out greatno matter what. You know why?
Superior genetics, right?
'Cause of all the cool stuffyou did with me.
Really? Yeah. After this game,you take me to ice cream.
That's what you rememberis ice cream?
You kids with the sugar. It's really good ice cream.
I know. Well, uncle andywent back for thirds,
And you've really gottatalk to him about-- I'm gonna talk to himabout that.
Okay. But don't--don't tryto tell me that this at bat,
It changed your life.this had to be a turning point.
I don't rememberone big turning point.
I remember you at my games,taking me camping.
Once you dressed upas a piñata
And let me and my friendsbeat you with a bat.
(Laughs) I did that?
Yeah. You were the onewho noticed I was left-handed.
Oh, son, you know whatit's like as a parent.
I mean,all you think about is...
These big turning pointsin your child's life,
And if you don't hit it right,things are gonna change,
And it won't--
Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.
You were there for me,every step of the way.
You're a great dad.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, dad,if you don't put me down,
They're gonnathrow me out at home. Yeah, no. Go, go, go.
Go, go!
Go, kyle, go! Yes!
Safe! (Crowd cheering)
Lefty, you're a lefty!you did it!
All right! Ha ha!
(Singsong voice) I'm a good dad,i'm a good dad.
Stick your head in gravy.
Oh, ryan,you should have seen it.
The kid was great!he had six hits!
Six? I'm so sorrywe missed that.
Oh. Yeah, I thoughtit was just gonna be
Like one of the girls'crappy recitals. Yeah.
Hey! We're right here!
You know, they even gave kylethe game ball.
That's great, son.that's so great.
What are you gonnado with that? I wanna give it to someonefor helping me out today.
Oh, son. That is fabulous.thank you, but--
Here you go, mommy.
(Gasps) kyle!
Oh, my god.i'm gonna cry. Come here.
Oh. Mwah.
You know what?
I am gonna go make youa special first hit cake.
Sorry, daddy,
But I needed the ballto get me a cake.
That's my boy.
Oh, I can't get enoughof these chili fries.
I swear, they're gonna bethe death of me.
Andy, andy, andy, what do yousay you put that down,
We go out for a salad?
Yeah, right. What's next?
Join a gymand start exercising?
Mind your own business,creep.
Left arm feels kinda numb.
Must've slept on it funny.
Yeah. Oh!
By the way, jim,
Do you think I could getmy lawn mower back?
(Sighs) this I cannot do.
But, jim, you've got twoof 'em.
He said he can't do it!
I'll give youthe lawn mower back.