03x01 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

I'd butter your toast.

I'd feed her dog.

I'd zip his sweater.

See?

It doesn't matter what you say,

as long as it's
"I'd blank your blank."

lt all sounds dirty, always.

I'd disembowel his cat.

That is not sexy.

No, she did not say that right.

I'd scratch that eczema.

Oh, she is k*lling your theory,
here, doggett.

Well, her exception
proves the rules,

'cause you guys got to know,
my boyfriend, Arlen...

Whew,
he was the master of it. Ah.

He bed you, whispering,
"I’d light your cr*ck pipe"?

I didn't smoke cr*ck.

cr*ck's for coloreds.

Oh, is it, now?

African-Americans.
cr*ck is for African-Americans.

Maybe you should just drive.

lam driving.

Got to say,
these cup holders are nice.

The air works.

Seats don't smell
like hot-dog juice.

Maybe we should get
all of our terminal inmates

to drive our outdated crap
into a quarry.

Got to give it
to the baldy, though.

She had some set of balls.

You know, a man went bald.

And he bawled.
He said, "wah, wah."

Then he met
a really nice lady who--

She liked a clean head, right?

So he balled her real good.

So you got "bald," "bawled,"
and "balled," right?

They all sound alike, but
they're all spelled different.

Isn't that wild?
My mom taught me that.

She taught me
so many cool things.

Come on, hon. Get it all down.

That's right.
Chug, chug, chug.

Hey! All of it!

Finish that bottle.

You can see for yourself
she ain't right in the head.

Never had all what belongs
to her, poor thing.

But we take
what the Lord gives us.

Anyhow, so's I understand it,

supplemental security
income benefits

for little bessie bugs like mine
is $314 a month.

That right?

How many kids
are coming for Mother's Day?

A lot. Some of our ladies,
they have three, four, seven.

I would have five... or six,

if you count the one
that fell out

after the night in the caves.

Huh. Would have been
a miracle baby, like Tim Tebow.

Based on the state of your mouth
when you came in,

I'm gonna say your baby wasn't
on the star-athlete track.

Oh, yeah?
Well, neither was Tim Tebow.

You know,
when his mama was pregnant,

she had the sickness.

And the doctors told her
not to have the baby,

but she had it anyhow.

And she was on dysentery
medicine and in Filipino Town.

He wasn't
such a great quarterback.

Oh. Like you so great
at football.

I may have kids one day.

One day?
You got a time machine?

The women in my family
have very young ovaries.

My mother had me at 49.

Her mother had
my Uncle Chess at 52.

I got plenty of time.

We believe what we believe.

You guys, look at this...
look at this sale stuff.

We should just bring back
all this Cinco de Mayo.

I mean, look.

"Fiesta like there's no manana."

Seriously.

You know most of the kids
are gonna be Mexican,

so make them feel at home.

Just get them one of these
red chili pinatas,

a bunch of these green candies
from St. Patrick's Day,

and we got a party.

Doggett, enough.

The only reason why
you're in here

is 'cause we couldn't leave you
in the van.

Let's go price the helium tanks.

- You all right?
- I'm fine.

Are you having a panic att*ck?

I'm breathing mindfully.

I'm supposed to do it to 108

and then do it again
if I'm not feeling any better...

Even though I never feel better.

Now I lost count. sh*t!

Where did you learn this?

Some magazine.
I don't know.

I'm just trying to find
some f*cking peace.

- Holy sh*t. Look who's back.
- You missed me, right?

Like a bulldog misses his balls.

You're in that bunk.

- I can't sleep on the top bunk.
- You're not the top.

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

That's Rosa's bed. Back it up.

DeMarco, she's been assigned
to that bunk.

Show some respect for the dead.

Red, I know you from the first
night I spent in this room,

but you take
one more thing down,

I'm gonna re-open
your head wound.

You want to build a shrine
to Rosa?

Build it somewhere she had joy,

Not on this miserable bed
where she lay dying of cancer.

The woman went out like a champ.

Tough f*cking broad.

- You want any of this?
- Yeah, the playing cards.

She was a good card player.

- How you doing, Red?
- Strangest thing,

ever since the as*ault, I speak
with this Russian accent.

You still having headaches?

Yeah.

Trying to wean myself
off the pills.

I can't stand
feeling foggy all the time.

Got any on you?

A few.
I've been cheeking them.

- Here.
- How much you want?

Nothing.

You don't give anything away
for free.

I've turned over a new leaf.

Wait.
That's been in your mouth?

Briefly, yes.

Ugh. Skeeve. No offense.

I only share spit
with my man and my babies.

I'll take it.

Mother's Day fair...
expanded visitation.

It fosters the inmates'
connection to the outside world.

These women forget
they have lives on the outside,

it affects
how they behave in here.

Maybe they forget
for good reason.

Well, that's your job to worry
about now. You're the expert.

Not really.

My degree's in cosmetology.
My whole résumé's a lie.

But you would be amazed
what ladies will reveal

while you're bleaching
their arm air.

You...
I don't know you that well.

You're joking, right?

'Cause I just got
everything square around here,

and it's been an uphill climb.

So I heard.

Now what did you hear?

That you got caught
in a shitstorm,

but you put up
a sturdy umbrella.

Yeah, well,
it's starting to leak.

Now I'm doing
madame shitstorm's job,

along with doing my old job,

which the powers that be
have yet to fill.

I'm doing two jobs.

Do you resent
that the administration hired me

before finding a replacement
for your old job?

You analyzing me?

No.
I just don't want any shade

without having been
given a sh*t.

My beef's not with you.

What'd you hear about me?

That you're smart
and you're qualified

and you said yes.

Does my saying yes
maybe cancel out the smart part?

How's this?

Welcome to Litchfield,
where your services are needed

in both the counseling
and hair-removal arenas.

These are complicated ladies
in a complicated place.

Yo! Mr. Caputo!

That your girlfriend?

I had a feeling you had a thing
for the darker berries.

Jefferson,
this is Counselor Rogers.

Counselor?
What about Mr. Healy?

He's still here.

Huh.
This is gonna get interesting.

Is it? How so?

Jefferson,
why don't you go help set up?

Yes, sir, master.

Mr. Caputo, sir.

What do you want, Bennett?

Uh, sir, all the lights
in C dorm went out,

so I sent some of the girls
from electrical down

to take a look at it.

They're not girls, Bennett.

They're inmates. Or women.

Or electricians.

What's your point?

Um, well,
the lights are back on now.

It's a great story.
Thank you for sharing.

- Berdie Rogers, new counselor.
- Hi.

Officer Bennett, is there anything
else you'd like to tell us?

Nice to meet you.

What's going on there?

Nothing. It's nothing.

How about we go on a tour

of the dorms
in all their well-lit glory?

Everybody says she's got magic.

Did she touch it, too?

I want to know
that she touched it.

Mm-hmm. She touched it.

She blessed it.

Oh, sh*t.

What does that mean?

Hasan put a curse on me,
didn't he?

That's a cursed egg.
I'll lose a foot.

Bobo will att*ck all the quail.

It's not a cursed egg.
My hand slipped, okay?

Why don't you go get cleaned up,

and then we'll start
all over again.

We're gonna do
a whole thing, okay? Go.

I'm all eggy now.
It's gonna attract snakes.

That's not good.

What does the egg do?

You making somebody else
go away?

I'm making an omelet.

I got no scraps
for your hooch today,

and I am still waiting on my jar
from the last batch.

Okay. It's coming.

Few more days.
It's gonna be good.

Listen, uh, we were thinking
of doing like, uh, uh,

a little game booth
for the kids,

where they throw ping-pong balls
into little bowls of water, win a prize.

Can I borrow some bowls?

Where you gonna get some
ping-pong balls around here?

We found a bunch
in the warehouse.

They're old as f*ck
and mostly dented, but they'll work.

What are you gonna do
for prizes?

Buy some Tootsie Rolls
from commissary, dole them out.

That's nice of you.

Yeah, well, it's y'all's day.

Must be hard as f*ck
being in here

when you got kids
on the outside.

Your kids coming?

Yeah, for the first time
in a long time.

My tia,
she moved back into the city.

Don't forget
to call your mother tomorrow.

Oh, my moms passed.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

- Mira, blanca!
- Hey?

Why don't you get this one
some of those, uh,

fruit-cocktail-size bowls?

I won a goldfish once...

We gave him, like,
Froot Loops to eat.

Like 12 years that thing lived,

until my cousin Antoni
ate him on a dare.

f*cking assh*le.

I'm definitely
a carbon monoxide guy.

Put on some tunes, breathe deep,
go out easy.

- Maybe pills.
- Figures.

What do you mean, "figures"?

Pills are expensive.

But you don't even think
about that.

Well, I didn't realize that my
hypothetical su1c1de had a budget.

Some of us have to think
about these things.

I make 11 cents an hour.

When I get out of here,
I will have no home,

I will have no job,

and not a whole lot
of prospects.

All the more reason
to start thinking economically.

Welcome to the real world,
princess.

This is not
a healthy discussion.

You know, when you go
to a sh**ting range,

you don't have to pay
until you leave.

So you can check out a g*n,
sh**t yourself right there.

Wouldn't cost you a cent.

I would like
to change the subject, please.

You know,
the, uh, hot one's back.

What do you mean, "the hot one"?

Your girlfriend.

The Bettie Page of Litchfield.

Alex is back?

I got to go find her.

Oh, hey!
You're on the clock here.

- Well, can I go early?
- Sure.

Why don't you grab
a happy-hour cocktail with her

at TGI Fridays?

You want to put in
for vacation time, too?

- All right.
- Finish your f*cking job.

It's not like
she's going anywhere.

And to be honest,
she looked a little rough.

It sucks when hot chicks
start to cool down.

Okay, okay, listen up.

If you don't have children
coming today,

please come back another time.

And for all you mothers,
it's a numbers day.

No special requests.

I only want a trim so I look the
same as the last time I saw her.

It's called object permanence.

It's also called boring.
But you the boss.

And what are we doing
with you today?

Oh, I'll take, uh,
number seven, please.

You excited for Mother's Day?

Oh, yeah.

All my kids are coming:

little Donovan
and baby Frankie--

that's short for "Francesca"...
and the twins.

You got four kids?

Oh, sure.

Catholic.
You know how it goes.

You don't got no kids.

Yes, I do.

I have four kids, and they're
all coming to see me.

Bull... sh*t.

Show me your stomach.

- What?
- Mother of four, twins no less.

Let me see your belly.

Maybe I did a lot of sit-ups,
and maybe they're adopted.

Get the f*ck out of my chair.

No, I need this.

I lost my van.

I have been scrubbing toilets.

Let me feel like a person.

You can feel like a person

after I see my actual baby
that came out of me and exists.

Well, maybe my mother's
coming to visit

and I need to look nice for her.

I really haven't been feeling
so good lately,

and dolling up's the only way
I got to feel better.

- Okay.
- What?

I'll work on her real fast.

I got a soft spot
for the pathetics.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Somebody coming to visit you
this weekend?

My son, Michael.

Oh.

How does that work,

with you being a lady-man
and all?

Do you and his mother
both celebrate the day?

You really want to be calling me
a lady-man

when I got a fistful
of your hair in my hand?

Oh, I just thought
it sounded nice.

I... I don't know
from these things.

That's why I'm asking questions.

We're sharing the day.

He's spending Father's Day with
her new boyfriend, the pastor.

Oh.
Well, that doesn't seem fair.

He's not his father.

Well, I'm not sure
I am anymore, either.

Hit the road, jack,
and don't you come back

No more, no more,
no more, no more

Hit the road, jack

And don't you come back
no more

What you say?

We going about this
the wrong way. I should sing.

It'll drive him out of there
screaming.

Do my feet again.

Like this, baby?
Like this?

Ahh, yeah. Ooh.

Yeah, you squeeze there
while I pinch my nipples.

We have some more of that
spicy chicken from Bongo's,

have sex again.

I run around the block
a couple times,

do some jumping jacks.

Get out.

Do you hear me?

It is time
for you to vacate the premises.

It's your eviction notice.

Oh!

Did you see that?

That was a foot.

A whole person in there.

Mm. You scared?

A little.

Don't be.
You're gonna make a great daddy.

Back on that foot.

Back on that--
There you go. There.

You know, there's nothing wrong
with that light.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you let me
be the judge of that?

'Cause you don't know
what the f*ck you're doing.

Okay, you know what,
for your information,

there's actually a loose
fluorescent bulb in here.

You're lucky I caught this,
or we might all be dead.

You know why she's in here
all the time lately?

'Cause she's a dumbshit.

'Cause she got a crush on me.

What are you talking about?

When she had
that bet thing going on

with the bully butch bitch,

she tried to get me,
but I didn't do it.

She wasn't offering
anything good.

Well, I've seen you suck a cock
for a bag of ranch Doritos.

Totally different.
That was a cock.

And I love ranch flavor.

Point is,
she's really into me,

which is why
she keeps coming 'round here.

Well, you got to stop
leading her on.

I ain't done nothing.

I can't help that I'm d*ke bait.

Yeah, look at her, bending down,
showing you her ass.

I think you're right.

I'm telling you,
she's so desperate for me.

Makes me almost sad for her.

Oh! Nicky! She coming!

Stop her!
It's not ready!

What's not ready?

No, Mommy, you have to go back!
Go back to bed!

Sweetie, we're having brunch
at the Four Seasons.

Paloma, why is she not dressed?

I... I tell her,
but she want to surprise you.

She been up since 6:00.

Well, that's very cute, honey,

but we need to get dressed
and put on our happy faces

and pretend we like Grandma.

There'll be shrimp cocktail.

But it's Mother's Day.

That's right. It's my day.

So we will get through brunch,

and I will head
straight for the spa.

Happy Mother.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

Put on the blue dress
I bought you from Bergdorf's.

She didn't read my card.

Your hair looks nice like that.

Oh. You noticed.

- Yeah.
- Oh, honey.

I'm glad to see you're
keeping yourself up, doll.

No one likes to see
a beautiful, ripe fruit

just wither on the vine.

You like my ripe fruit?

So sweet, so juicy.

Oh, as if the smell
of this dinner

isn't making me feel nauseous
enough.

Well, maybe you'd rather talk
about vegetables, huh?

Like your favorite stalk
of celery that just walked in.

Looks like she's lost
a little bit of her crunch.

What the f*ck
is she doing back here?

Hi.

Inmate. No touching.

Yeah, inmate.
Let's just keep it orthodox.

What happened?

What are you doing back here?

And what--
what happened to your face

Just a little trouble in lockup.
I was in a mood.

I forgot that you should
let crackheads have their way.

Well, yeah.

Crackheads, wookiees...

You know,
you got to let them win.

What... did you do?

This is
so unbelievably embarrassing.

Come on.

Like anybody in here can judge.

How am I back here?

That's my question.

Come on.

Let's, uh, let's go take a walk.

...make sh*t happen?

Look, who knows anything,
all right?

All I'm saying is,

they did some kind
of voodoo spell on Vee,

and, boom, bitch was gone.

Yo.

- Vee is fine.
- Yeah. Okay.

I cannot go through this again.

Suzanne, you throw that tray,
or anything on it,

we dog-pile on you
till you're flat.

Agree to disagree,
and let's get on with our lives.

Agree to disagree.

- sh*t.
- Rhymes with "Vee."

Rhymes With "let it be."

So, what you want
with this voodoo magic, anyhow?

Don't be playing around with that.
Mess with the evil forces,

you'll be out
like Cedric Diggory.

Who?

- "Harry Potter."
- "Harry Potter."

d*ed in
the triwizard tournament.

Look, I don't know.

I just--
I think it's interesting.

I mean,
who knows what kind of forces

are operating
out there in the universe?

Maybe it ain't such a bad idea
to try to get them on your side.

All right, Poussey,

you read the Calvin part,
I'll be the mom.

Here.

- "Mom, was I ever a grub?"
- "A what?"

"You know-- a larva.
Did I really puppy at age two?"

"Pupate."

Like... poo?

Oh, come on.

You know that word from
when we studied butterflies.

The caterpillar goes through
the pupal stage and then--

I love you, Mommy.

Love you, too, baby.

Let's keep reading.

I am so excited!

I don't think I'm gonna be able
to go to sleep tonight.

No. You got to try.

You don't want your baby seeing
you with bags under your eyes.

That's setting
a really bad example.

So, how you feeling
about your first Mother's Day?

- I'm not a mother yet.
- Sure you are.

She's already giving you pain
and trouble. You're a mother.

And I'm a mother.

You getting me
a present tomorrow

for all I've done for you?

Don't I just cause you
pain and trouble?

At least get me a card
or something.

Draw me
one of your weird pictures.

Give me my stuff!

Oh, no?

Something to hide?

Love letters, maybe,
from all those men in your life?

This is fancy.

Greenwich, Connecticut?

Who the f*ck do you know
in Greenwich, Connecticut?

No one. I was gonna
throw it out. It's stupid.

"I've heard
I'm to have a grandchild.

I'd like to see you.

Sincerely, Delia Mendez Powell."

Mendez?

Holy sh*t.
ls this p*rn's mother?

Yo, I smell money here.
You got to say yes.

Write her back
and tell her you'll see her.

'Cause I need another person
involved here, right?

I don't want to see her.

Fine.
Don't listen to your mother.

'Cause that always works out
so well.

So, listen.

I guy a guy.

You are a guy.

Suck my d*ck.

He's coming up the tunnel
on Wednesday.

He's gonna sell it for us.

We got to get that sh*t
to the greenhouse.

So far, the best plan
we've come up with

is taking it out one bag
at a time up our snatches

while the meth-heads
take their afternoon naps, huh?

That plan has more holes in it
than we have, doesn't it?

All right.

We need to space
these pompoms out more evenly.

I'm a wacky clown.
I don't need symmetry.

And you're stalling.
It's time.

It's so pretty.

I like looking at it.

Yeah, well, say goodbye,
'cause come Wednesday,

that sh*t
is going down the tunnel

and out into the world
for sale, like a Romanian baby.

This sh*t is happening.

I take this ball
of blue energy...

...and I pass it to you.

I take this ball
of blue energy...

You sure
you want to do this, Red?

I've only got two years left,
Frieda.

Compared to what I was
looking at when I got here,

that's so little time.

I see the light
at the end of the tunnel.

So to speak.

How much time we got before we
have to rejoin the witch ladies?

Oh, about a half-hour.

Takes them forever to pass
that ball around the circle.

It drives Maxwell nuts.

She smokes by the basketball
courts till they're done.

And this is okay with Caputo?

It's a whole new world
around here:

kinder, gentler Litchfield.

Wiccans get night walks
on the full moon.

Things that break
get mostly fixed.

I even hear
people are getting out early.

Uh, Sanchez in the kitchen,

that, uh, that girl with
the nostrils from grounds crew.

All the more reason to do this.

Are you sure?
Are you really sure?

We had a good thing
going here, Red.

I'm sure.

Bye-bye, tunnel.

And ye shall be free
from sl*very.

And as a sign
that ye be really free,

ye shall be naked in thy rites.

And ye shall dance...

Wait. Don't do that.

It's metaphorical naked.

I mean, we're passing around
an invisible ball,

for Christ's sake.

I... I thought
we didn't believe in Christ.

- Better hurry.
- Almost finished.

You're a twisted f*ck,
aren't you?

Life is complex.

Let's rejoin the circle.

RIP V

I could use some energy,
blue or otherwise.

Healy, I want to go home.

You haven't answered
my question.

Why is Rogers here?

I started Safe Place.

These women trust me, okay?
And I'm good at my job, Joe.

She's here because she's needed.

We never replaced Callahan.

We all know Bailey is senile.

For months, you're telling me

how swamped you are,
how overwhelmed.

Okay, I take it back.
I'm fine.

Let her go.
I've got it covered, okay?

No.

Fine. Then she can have
all the blacks and the crazies.

Healy.

Look, I've got a bad feeling
about this one.

She doesn't smell right,
and I mean that literally.

She's got a weird smell.

Have you noticed that?

$8711!

She's here now.

She's your coworker.

Now, be nice.

Be respectful.

Come on. Be a gentleman.

Yes, my little gentleman.

Gentleman Sam.

Yes, and yes again!

Because the angels
have spoken to me.

And they've told me
their secrets.

I brought you breakfast.

Now it's a party!

Come dance with Mommy.

Is your Morn coming?

Are you kidding me?

Carol is spending the day
with her unimprisoned children.

Mm.

Diane would smack the sh*t out
of me if she were still alive.

She's probably
looking down right now...

...vomiting angel dust.

I feel so stupid.

You were living in Queens.

I'm sure that made prison
seem much more attractive.

Every time I close my eyes,
I relive that moment.

f*ck-up. f*ck-up.

Alex...

I had a chance to make a life.

Okay, you need to shut up.

Oh, that's not hot

when your snot drips
in my mouth like that.

- No?
- No.

- It's not your thing?
- No, I don't like that.

I thought you'd be into it.

I'm such an idiot.

No.

Alex... you have to stop.

You have to.
It wasn't your fault.

Of course it was my fault.

No one put that g*n in my hand.

But you didn't know.

- f*ck-up!
- Alex, it wasn't you.

It wasn't you.

It...

It was the system.

You got caught... in the system.

I'm just a fly in the web of
the prison industrial complex?

Christ.

But at least
we're in the same web, right?

I mean,
at least we're in it together.

Yeah.

At least we're in it together.

Ladies!

Get the heck out of there
right now!

You're out of bounds!
Count's in five!

I know you're back there!
I'm not an idiot!

Out now!
You're both getting sh*ts!

Place is going to hell.

Hands off! Fingers off!

Back away from the table!

And nobody touch me.

If anybody touches me,
you don't go in.

You are all expected to behave.

Anyone not behaving
will be sent back home.

All caregivers must be reachable

in case your children
you've checked in

need to be sent back out.

Welcome to the fun zone.

Mother's last name?

I think you know it.

How you doing, my friend?

Fine. Fine.

Yeah? Glad to hear it.

So, listen, I got a couple

of your baby's
aunts and uncle here.

Hey,
can you please keep it down?

Stop sweating it, bro.
Nobody's listening.

Names?

You're gonna have to learn these
soon, too, hermano.

Eva, Lucy, Christina,
and that's Emiliano.

So, listen, you should
come by the house soon,

you know, get to know us.

I'm not just busting balls,
okay?

You're family now.

Okay. Here are your badges.

- Have a nice day.
- All right, go ahead, kids.

Go give your mother
a big hug and a kiss for me.

Emiliano.

No tongue, you little perv.

Happy Mother's Day, Johnny boy.

This blows!

Hey, Warren!

You know
you're not allowed out there.

Yeah, but I made a kite,
Mr. Healy.

Kids love kites.

That may be true,
but you've been banned

from interacting
with the children,

and you know that.

Yeah, that was last year.

And this is a kite,
not Chinese jump rope.

The answer is no, Warren.

Now, you're not to step foot
outside of this building.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Everyone needs to back up
and line up.

Okay, okay, who's first?

Where's the stick?

Sticks?
We can't give them sticks.

How are they supposed to
break the pinata?

I don't know.
Punch it, I guess.

Give it a good sh*t in the side,
work out their anger.

They're having fun.
They're not angry.

Sure they are.

Hey, kid,
your mother is in prison.

Pummel the pinata.

Jab, jab.

Hit it.

All right.

No. You look really good!

You could, like, leave here

and go straight to
a My Chemical Romance concert

and be the balls.

You missed! Next!

Loser.

Why you being so f*cking mean,
man? They're kids.

Number one: they miss,
more candy for me.

And number two:
I don't like kids.

I don't like mamas, neither,
for that matter.

Mine thinks I'm sh*t.

Well, f*ck her.
I'm done with mamas.

I'm done
with stand-ins for mamas.

I am parent-free and proud.

Yeah, well, I liked my moms.

Well, lucky you.

sh**t, maybe when mine dies,
I'll like her better.

All right, next!

sh*t.

Simon says deep breath in.

Simon says deep breath out.

Hands in the air.

Chang, Simon didn't say that.

But that's okay.

I encourage you all
to follow your own path.

What you in for?

Simon says tug at your ear.

Tug at your other ear.

Simon says wiggle your hips.

Simon says hop on one foot.

Duck...

Goose.

Duck...

Use his shirt
like a paper towel.

He loves it.

One, two, three, go.

Hey, hey!
Get out... get out of here!

Get... get... get out of here!

You better get out of here!

Where's your mother, boy?

Get out of here!

I don't understand.
Why isn't your brother here?

He says it's for babies.

I haven't seen him
in two-and-a-half years.

Look at you.

You got a mustache? Jesus.

You got hair everywhere?

Mom.

Never mind. Don't answer that.
I can't.

It's good to see you.

You too.

Lourdes treating you good?

We're fine.
She and Benny fight a lot.

They had a crazy one when he got
suspended from school last week.

What'd he get suspended for?

Cutting class.

So, he misses school, and then
they make him miss more school?

That makes no sense.

Jesus. What the hell?
Cutting class.

You know what, you tell him

that he needs
to get his little delinquent ass

over here next week
for visitation.

- You got that?
- Okay.

I'm sorry, papi.

You're here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.
Let's talk about you, huh?

What you been up to
for the last 30 months?

Fun things?

All right. Next.

Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
You made my day.

She made it. Next.

Grandma's not a clown.
This is eye shadow.

Grandma put on a face for you.

Please!

I'm gorgeous.

All right, honey,
take a little spritz.

What, no?

Be a filthy animal.
Who raised you, huh?!

Oh. Hi, Annette.
Here you go.

Wipe front to back,
throw it in the trash.

Thank you very much.

This is a nice setup
you got here.

Oh, you.

You are so lucky
you are in electrical.

Listen,
you want my company or not?

Yes, I do.

Sit it down.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Look at this sh*t, right?

I mean, look at this,
with these f*cking kids.

- Oh, they're everywhere.
- I hate kids.

You know, they don't drink,
they haven't traveled.

It's nasty in there. You might
want to hold your breath.

Hey. Can I talk to you?

I mean,
I can wait till your finished.

This mad juju
that you and Gloria do...

How does it work?

I'm really missing someone.

Is the baby gonna live with us?

We'll see.

"We'll see"?

What the f*ck is that?

I'm gonna be a tia.

Hey. Hi, there.
ls everyone having fun?

I have
a Mother's Day joke.

How come computers are so smart?

It's 'cause they listen
to their motherboards.

You get it?
That's what they call the--

It's the board thingy
in the computer.

I think it's like
what all the, uh,

the circuits are... attached to.

Motherboard. 'Cause...

All right, well, anyway,

have a... have
a great afternoon. So...

C.O. Bennett, let's chat.

When are you gonna learn
to leave well enough alone?

We were just talking.

I do you a solid and sweep
everything under the carpet,

and you go around
lifting up the corners.

"Hey, everybody, look, look.
Look what I got under here."

Hey, respectfully, sir,

I'm pretty sure
you did yourself a solid.

You think you're the only one
ever to be tempted by an inmate?

You think
I never saw a tight piece

sitting in my
office chair crying,

tears covering
her khaki-covered tits,

and thought, "I could bend that
over my inbox"?

A lesser man
would be using this place

as his own
personal p*ssy smorgasbord.

Every f*cking color,
shape, size,

around the world
without ever leaving upstate.

But I am not a lesser man.

When those feelings come on me,
you know what I do?

Please don't tell me.

I take care of my f*cking self.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Pretty sure I do.

- I spank it out, Bennett.
- Yikes.

And for the love of Pete,
I suggest you do the same,

like decent men have been doing
since time immemorial.

Me and Diaz...
it's about more than sex, sir.

Just stay away from her, okay?

Poor, deluded f*ck.

What did you say?

I mean, I just feel bad
because it's her day, you know?

And she's just sitting
in the car while I'm here.

I didn't mean
to steal your Mom's Day.

Yeah, well,
I don't need another mother.

I get that.

So, how are things
with the good pastor?

- He making your mom happy?
- Yeah, I guess.

How about you?
Getting along?

Well, he taught me how to shave.

What'd he say about that?

He tell you to go down,
shave with the grain?

No, up and against the grain.

That ain't how you do it.

Well, that's what he told me.

Well, I know better.

Now, who you gonna listen to,
someone who just shaves his face

or someone
who shaves everywhere?

You think that baby over there
is cuter than my girl?

AV, Please.

You have the prettiest
bebecita here, after mine.

Ay, look at her.

She looks terrified.

Oh. She'll come around.

I mean, what's more beautiful

than having a baby,
making a life?

The smell of their heads,

the way they put
their whole weight on you

when they fall asleep.

She's gonna fall in love,
and then she'll be fine.

Ay, chica, you got a little
something on your shirt there.

What is that? Piss or sh*t?

It smells like sh*t.

Oh, my God!
This is so disgusting!

Here, take it! Take it!

- Eh?
- So gross!

Give it to my sister!

Okay,
this is getting ridiculous.

Kids, stand back.

Where's the candy?

Oh, my God.

This is such a metaphor
for their lives.

Didn't you put it in?

I wasn't supposed to put it in.

Oh, and I was. Oh, geez.
Probably still in the van.

Well, no point getting it now.
There's nothing to put it in.

I'll take it.

So, aside from the fact that
he don't know how to shave,

I am kind of happy
you have a man around.

Give you advice
about girls and stuff?

His advice about girls was,
"wait until marriage."

Good Lord. One of those.

Now, you want some real advice?

From my second mom
or my used-to-be dad?

From former man to current man.

Now, when I was your age,
my dad told me,

"find a real insecure girl
and practice on her."

That way, when you meet a girl
you really like,

you'll be good at it.

You really want to be a lady
in a world where men do that?

God help me, I do.

And you're never tight again.

I mean,
you can work it back a little,

but it's never the same
after you've torn that sh*t up.

And you'll always pee yourself
a little when you sneeze,

and you never
really sleep again.

You got anything good
to say about it?

I just want you to be prepared.

I mean, it's not all bad.
You end up with a baby.

It just ruins your life is all.

You saying I ruined your life?

Of course.

The day you was born
was the end.

She's just so perfect.

How could anything be bad
if we made something like this?

Anyone seen what's-her-name,
the little one.

She was getting me punch.

I haven't seen her for a while.

Go look for your sister.

Lucy?

Lucy!

Go look for your sister.

Now, this is nice, hmm?

This makes me happy.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma.

Happy Mother's Day.

Ma, so, you ready for, uh,
things to get going again?

I got a brand-new LED head lamp.

I think we're going to take
a little break, honey.

Actually, a long one.

It's too much to think about.

I need to think
about the future, getting out,

getting back to my life,
my home, the market.

I need to look forward.

Who's minding the store today?

What you mean, Ma?

What I mean is,
it's Mother's Day.

That's always been a big day
for us: platters, baskets.

We can afford to do that?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?

- Lucy's missing.
- Oh, Jesus.

- No. Stop. What are you doing?
- I've got to call it in.

If you call it in,
they're gonna pull the alarm.

The day's over for everybody.

She's here someplace.

Let me look a little more.

Okay, look, 20 minutes, okay?
And then I got to call it in.

All right.

In the name of Jesus, I ask that
the souls of my unborn babies

be considered
to enter the Holy Kingdom,

even though they never
had a chance to get baptized

'cause I was wicked.

And I got them sucked out...
'cause I was weak...

...and I didn't know any better.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I never
got to be your mama.

Little Blake and Bonnie...

Boyd“.

Bethany...

Braden...

And even you, little Buddy Jr.

I see we're fond
of the "B" names.

Yeah, I always liked
that letter.

It's like
a whole little graveyard here.

Yeah, these are
all my unborn babies.

She got
the Mother's Day blues

Jesus. You look like
the angel of death.

I get that a lot.

Yeah, I'm going to hell.
I know it.

I mean, even though I was saved
and everything, I just...

They never even had a chance,
you know?

Son, got to let go of that sh*t.

That's easy for you to say.

I'm guessing you ain't never
had to abort nobody.

A bold assumption.

You ever read a book
called Freakonomics?

No.

What's it about,
bearded ladies and midgets?

Close.

It's about economic theory,
cause and effect.

Sounds boring.

It's actually
a pretty good read.

They have this chapter in it:

"Where have
all the criminals gone?"

Over there in that field.

You know, in the 1990s,
crime fell spectacularly,

and this book attributes that
to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

The darkness of '73.

The exact opposite, actually.

I mean, the abortions that
occurred after Roe v. Wade,

these were children
that weren't wanted,

children who, if their mothers
had been forced to have them,

would have grown up
poor and neglected and abused...

The three
most important ingredients

when one is making a felon.

But they were never born.

So, 20 years later,

when they would have been
of prime crime age,

they weren't there.

And the crime rate...
dropped dramatically.

What's your point?

Well, my point is that you were

a meth-head, white-trash
piece of sh*t,

and your children,
had they been born,

would have been meth-head,
white-trash pieces of sh*t.

So by terminating
those pregnancies,

you spared society
the scourge of your offspring.

When you think about it,
it's... a blessing.

I never thought about it
that way.

Well, maybe you should, hmm?

Maybe you should stop
punishing yourself.

I mean,
what does a good mother do?

A good mother does
what's best for her children.

And maybe what was best
for your children

was wiping them out

before they had to lead
miserable f*cking lives.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Makes me feel
a little better, actually.

Good.
Then I've done my job.

"Clown cheers crowd."

Lucy?

Lucy!

Where the f*ck are you?

m*therf*ckers.

They couldn't wait?

I want to stay with Daya.

You're in
so much f*cking trouble.

Everybody on the ground!

Down! Right where you are!

Get down on the ground!

Down!

Mommy, get UP!

Everyone out
of those porta potties now!

On our way.

Do I get on the ground?

Mama, what's happening?
Get up.

Stay down until we tell you!

Good day?

So good.

Yad, thank you
for bringing her in. Okay.

All right, honey.

I'll see you next week.

I don't think so.

"L don't think so"? What do
you mean, "I don't think so"?

She's getting bigger.

She's starting
to understand things.

I've been reading.

I don't want her seeing her mother
in prison, thinking this is normal.

It's best
we cut this off right now.

What are you talking about?

Ruiz, you move it along.

What do you mean,
"cut this off"?

- You gonna walk away from me?
- I'm sorry, Maria.

What, I don't have
a choice in this?!

Yadriel, wait! Wait! Yadriel

Yadriel! Yadriel!

Cono! Yadriel!

Oh, my--

f*ck!