Hey.
Hey. Hey. Wake up.
Luschek, what the hell?
- You're needed in electrical.
- Man, it's not even my shift.
- It's an emergency.
- Excuse me.
We're in the middle
of a session here.
You can get back to your
flower bondage in a second.
And quit topping
from the bottom.
Meet me outside.
All right. All right.
Just give me a minute,
all right? f*ck.
What was that about?
Oh, the people are praying
for rain and mattresses.
Idiots.
All right, uh, listen,
I, uh... I found a guy.
Well, it's about time.
Well, my dealers are
too righteous to sell "H."
But this guy's perfect.
You know,
this biker from Coxsackie.
Total scumbag.
Married my sister.
Look, there's... there's been
a little hitch in our giddyup.
- What?
- There's no more giddyup.
- Why not?
- It's not where we left it.
Somebody must have stole it.
God... g*dd*mn it.
- Keep it down.
- I knew it.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
I'm giving you a sh*t.
For not giving you heroin?
Actions have consequences,
and I got my sister involved.
Come on.
All right, she already
thinks I'm unreliable.
This was gonna be a big win
for me.
Wait.
- What did you mean by "we"?
- What?
- You said, "Where we left it."
- Oh, yeah, me and Boo.
I'm about to give you
another sh*t for being stupid.
No, no, no, man.
It's not her.
I don't think. I-l don't know.
This place is lousy
with thieves,
so could be anyone.
Thanks for getting
my f*cking hopes up.
You know, that's why you women ended up
in prison... 'cause you suck at crime.
Look at this f*cking street,
all fro-yo marts
and clothes for h*m*.
Oh, you're gonna miss
all these yogurt and f*g shops
when they turn it all into banks
and luxury condos
for foreign investors.
- Yo!
- He's out.
What? The f*ck?
I texted Isaac,
and he said we can cop,
but he's leaving in 10 minutes,
and he's all the way up
on 79th and 3rd.
- We're screwed.
- Hey, no.
Do not be f*cking negative
right now, all right?
I'm not going the weekend
without dope.
Clear eyes, full hearts, right?
Can't lose.
Hey! Hey, buddy!
Hey! Uptown?
Yo, buddy!
- What the f*ck?!
- assh*le!
In the old days,
they'd at least say "f*ck off."
What old days?
You moved here in, like, 2007.
Let's take it.
- What?
- Come on. Look.
The keys are in the ignition.
Let's take it.
Are you nuts?
You want to go cop in the f*cking
projects? Come on. Get in.
f*cking hell, man.
Ow! What the f*ck?!
Where did you learn to drive?!
Maybe I didn't.
I grew up in the city.
Come on! Move it over!
Come on! Let's go!
f*ck!
Wait.
We shouldn't be on the floor.
There might still be bedbugs.
Then we'll both get 'em.
So long as we're in it together.
Isn't that your thing?
You don't have to be here
right now.
I do, actually, because of you.
I meant in the library,
and I don't want to f*cking
talk about that anymore.
Well, you have to.
Because it makes me angry.
And at least, when I'm angry,
I have enough gas in the t*nk
to f*ck you like you deserve
to be f*cked.
That's hot.
Yeah, it is f*cking hot.
You controlling, selfish,
bourgeois piece of sh*t.
Turn over.
What? Why?
Because I can't stand
to look at you.
But you can f*ck me?
Yeah, maybe if you learn
to shut the f*ck up!
You guys, I'm not even getting
out for another three years.
So? That doesn't mean
you shouldn't start planning.
You need to pick a dress,
find an awesome deejay,
book a hall.
I know the dopest deejay.
He mostly does dubstep.
But I'm sure he can find
a version of the wedding song.
But I don't even know
I want to make it some big thing
or just go
down to the courthouse.
- Hey, what?
- Oh, my God. Gross.
Hey, Daya, come on.
A person only gets married
once or twice in her life,
so go big or go really big.
Yeah, and it's not
just about you.
It's about all your family
and friends.
Mm-hmm.
- Ay, I love a wedding party.
- Hey, me, too.
Yeah, what makes you think
she wants you there?
What do you mean?
Of course she does.
We're family, right?
- Yeah, of course.
- Of course. Of course.
Here's what's gonna happen
when you get out.
You'll call each other up,
maybe meet for drinks,
make more plans,
but then cancel them,
push them off.
You're suddenly really busy.
But the truth is
you're avoiding each other
because it only took
that one drink for you realize
you don't have
anything in common.
And all you got was a reminder
of the time you spent
in this f*cking hellhole.
We're not a family.
We're a band-aid.
And once you rip it off,
all we are to each other
is scars.
Whatever.
She's just being a bitch
because she can't see her baby.
So, look, you, like,
get out in 36 months, right?
- Yeah.
- That's, like, around summer.
A summer wedding!
- Yay!
- Perfect.
Except I don't get out
till the next fall.
A fall wedding
could be nice, too.
- Or winter... winter 2016.
- Icy.
Or '17? Espérate, one, two...
"Represents the warden at meetings
and orientation of new staff."
- Sir?
- Oh, I... yeah.
I-I just...
Did I catch you at a bad time?
No, I wa-- I was just...
What can I do for you?
I wanted to talk to you.
I heard a rumor
that the camp's closing.
Where did you hear that?
From who?
My boy down the hill at...
is it true?
Look,
I don't want to start a panic.
- So it's true.
- No. I didn't say that.
I just said I don't want to
start a panic. I just...
But why would we panic
unless the camp's shutting down?
There are many reasons why
a person may choose to panic.
Sharks, school sh**t,
bee extinction...
they call it colony collapse.
And they say it's all from
this Monsanto pesticide.
It's horrible.
I just want to know
if there's anything
I should be doing for...
- There's not.
- ...so I can have some notice.
If you lose your job,
you'll be the first to know.
All right, sir.
Thank you.
Thanks for stopping by.
All guards inside 3273.
What the f*cking sh*t?
What? People want privacy.
If we can grow the corn
high enough,
we can rent out the field
like a motel room.
I mean, we got to do something
now that we're sewn shut.
We are doing something.
We're gardening.
I did not join this club
to smuggle contraband
or to shank people.
I joined it to garden,
to make things grow.
Hey!
Is that our wheelbarrow?
It's the prison's. I can use it.
You can use it,
and you can return it!
Did you hear me? I just want to
enjoy the simple things.
And you can, while we also
rent out the cornfield for sex!
Nothing like being down
on your hands and knees, huh?
In... in the soil.
Nice to be outside
is what I meant.
How are you, Sam?
Good.
Better.
Listen... about the other day...
It's all right.
Well, things got
a little personal.
It's fine.
I... l just don't want it
to be awkward.
It's not.
Well, it is now.
Next time
something awkward happens,
try not drawing
extra attention to it, huh?
How's it going?
Not so good, actually.
Not so good.
Remember what I said about
a corpse being a corpse.
I just want this corpse
to be sleeping in the same bed
with me, that's all.
I feel the language gap
is still a problem.
Healy...
I can't be
your marriage counselor.
Translator, for an hour or so
tonight after dinner.
Oh, no. I think I have plans.
No, you don't.
I cleared your schedule.
Oh, well, in that case...
Thanks, Red.
It's very kind of you.
You basically gave me no choice.
Even so, I appreciate it.
Are you sure you're okay?
Looks like someone hit you.
It's from when I was in holding.
What about your neck?
There's a... little mark here.
I must have checked my pulse
a little too hard.
Is my work assignment in?
Oh, no. I don't give assignments
till I get to know you.
- I was just here.
- But I wasn't.
But better late than never, right?
Hey, I'm teaching a drama class
later. You coming?
That's not really my thing.
Oh, come on.
I think it'll be good for you.
How do you know
what's good for me?
You just met me.
Look, Vause, I get it.
I get the anger.
When a country has more inmates
than teachers or engineers,
we are living
in a f*cked-up society.
Prison is bullshit.
Then why work in one?
Because I think
there are people here
with potential
that's being squandered,
and I want to make a dif--
Oh, you want to
make a difference.
Yeah, I get it.
You're one of the good guys.
But guess what.
We all think we're good guys.
I used to work for a drug dealer
who wouldn't hesitate
to put a b*llet in your head
if you crossed him or if
you stopped being useful to him.
But in his mind,
he's still a good guy.
Heroin Robin Hood.
Because he cut out
the Mexican cartels
and passed on the savings
to the consumer,
and he never cut his sh*t
with brick dust.
And you're not
just another shill
taking a paycheck from
an evil system of oppression,
'cause you're fighting it from
the inside with drama class.
Fine.
Whatever you need
to tell yourself to get by.
But excuse me if I don't
want to spend my precious time
catering to the delusion
that you're making a difference.
I have my own quilt of lies
to sew.
That is a great speech.
Now, I would love to hear you
give it again in drama class.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I get really hot down here.
Well, nothing
I haven't seen before.
I'm leaving now.
But it's not because of...
- I was gonna leave anyway.
- All right.
It's... like, you just
happened to come in here
right before
I was about to leave.
Great story.
Okay. Goodbye.
Escorts to infirmary.
Escorts to infirmary.
Can I ask you a question, though?
- What?
- Why don't you talk to me?
All right, what?
I mean, we were intimate,
and I understand
that we are never gonna be
like girlfriend-girlfriend
or whatever,
but I thought, you know,
maybe you'd at least
be friendly, civil.
You... you thought that?
Yeah.
And when do you have time to think
when you're constantly talking?
Yammer, yammer.
Oh.
Wow. I guess that answers
that question.
You use people,
and you throw them away.
That's your thing. Now I know.
Hey, Soso.
It's not my thing, all right?
I look out for my friends.
You just don't happen
to be one of them!
You want me to do what?
We can't leave them in jail,
all right?
I'm responsible for this,
sort of.
I thought you said
this wasn't your idea.
I'm not gonna argue with you the
micro-details of who did what, okay?
They're my friends. I'm not
gonna leave them in there.
I'm not giving you
any more money, Nicky.
Thank God they didn't find
any dr*gs on you.
Praise the Lord, 'cause getting caught
with dr*gs is so much worse than...
...grand theft auto
in the eyes of the law.
Like, doesn't that make
a f*ck load of sense?
You don't get to take the high
moral ground right now, Nicky.
I know.
I'm sorry, Marka.
I... I have a problem.
I admit that.
I will do a better job
dealing with my sh*t.
I just... I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause it's almost
the anniversary of the divorce.
You know, I'm having a bad week,
and... I did this thing,
and I f*cked up.
And if I'm serious about being
a better person... come on!
It starts with me bailing
my friends out of jail, okay?
- Mom, please.
- Fine.
You're probably gonna need
more than that.
- Use my credit card.
- No, no, no. I'm good.
- Bye.
- What are you doing?
I'll give you a ride
back to the police station.
I just need to take a walk,
okay, and, uh, think a little.
But... thank you, Marka.
I'm so grateful, really,
I just, uh...
Let's get a coffee soon
and catch up a little.
I'd like that.
Pardon?
I mean, is it something
that animals did,
or did it start with cavemen?
Or cavewomen?
I doubt a woman
brought it up first.
Great apes did have those teeth.
You know,
I bet it was a caveman.
I bet he was like...
"Hey, Grog, you think fire's a big deal,
but check this out!"
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Though, if it was an ape,
that would explain why
we lost our sharp incisors.
- For blowjobs?
- Yeah.
You're saying our mouths evolved
to give blowjobs?
That's assuming you believe
in evolution in the first place.
I'm thinking about it.
- Hey.
- Really?
A hickey?
- What are you, 12?
- It was an accident.
You're trying to brand me,
but I am not
your f*cking sex cow.
You're mine.
What does that mean?
It means that I am gonna
hurt you the next chance I get
and take my power back.
You're acting insane.
I'm insane?!
Kubra knows
exactly where I am now.
Do you have any idea the danger
that you've put me in?
The dan... I took... you...
You know what?
Forget it. I can't.
It's so nice
to see you guys back together.
We're not together.
She's my sex cow.
Oh.
Well, that's... sweet.
You gonna come
to drama class later?
Are you serious?
Have you met Berdie?
She's amazing.
Yeah. We met.
She's my counselor.
Oh, lucky ducky.
I think I'm gonna
sit this one out.
Oh, why? You don't have a job,
and they b*rned all the books.
Not true.
There is one book
they were afraid to burn.
I stand corrected.
There is a bedbug-infested
Qur'an if you want to read that.
All right. Suit yourself.
Sheesh.
I took acting at high school,
and we learned about masks, musicals,
and Chlamydia Dell'arte,
and that is from Europe.
He claims it's not happening,
but they don't tell us anything.
Probably afraid
we'll cash in our vacation days.
We're not even people to them.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, Bell,
how's it going with the house?
Not bad. I took out
a home-improvement loan.
Good thing I have
a steady job.
Yeah.
It'd probably be really hard
trying to sell that thing
right now, huh?
In this market?
With a cracked foundation?
I'd be screwed.
Thankfully, we all have
jobs we can count on
so we can plan our futures
accordingly.
He's f*cking lying.
He didn't say anything.
He didn't need to.
Crap, crap, crap.
Wait, did you really
take out a loan?
Yes, I did, baby,
for the rumpus room, remember?
- Oh, crap.
- Exactly.
So, you're really jumping in
headfirst, huh?
How do you mean?
Well, I've tried
setting up programs like this.
A little tip...
don't expect too much.
And if you want them to open up,
you'd better bring a crowbar.
Whazzup, Berdie?
Well, look who dragged
their stanky asses downtown.
Oh, bitch, you ain't sh*t!
That's right, I'm the sh*t.
Oh, nice.
Nice save. Nice save.
Oh, look,
it's Snow White and the seven freaks.
There's six of us.
You can count.
Color me impressed.
Have a seat, Rain Man.
Is she giving you a sh*t
off your record to be here?
All right, great turnout.
And look who's late...
it's Alex Vause, you dumb bitch.
What?
Okay, everybody up.
Let's do a warm-up.
We're gonna
do a counting warm-up.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...
Dear Lord
We are gathered here today
to remember
those that were martyred
in the conflagration
of three days ago.
It is a sad day
when any book is not returned,
or when it is returned,
but with pages missing
'cause some fool
needed to write a note
or they needed to wipe
their nasty ass.
But, anyway...
To have our entire flock
taken from us
is almost beyond reckoning.
So we take this time to honor
those titles that we've lost.
Go ahead, Washington.
Yeah, um, so, I've never been
at a funeral for books before.
And I...
I feel like there's nothing I can say
that wouldn't be better said in,
like, a book.
But, um, books are made
of paper from trees,
so we thought
they should be returned
to the trees from whence
they came and everything.
- The ultimate book return.
- Yeah.
And now I'm just going to, uh,
read some titles
we all thought
were worth honoring.
Great Expectations.
Solid.
- The B.F.G.
- Tight!
Damn. The dictionary.
The dictionary, man!
What are we gonna do
in the world
without a damn dictionary?!
Sister Souljah. Oh.
A High Wind in Jamaica.
All of David Sedaris'...
or Sedari, I guess?
What's going on?
We're having a memorial service.
For books?
Yeah, for books
and all printed media.
I didn't know
you were such a big reader.
The Treasure of the
Sierra Madre by B. Travern.
Have you... seen Bennett?
No, I haven't seen him
since before the weekend.
Oh. Maybe his shifts
got moved around.
Excuse me.
Can you show some respect?
Sorry. My condolences.
Go ahead.
- The Tale of Squirrel Nutkins.
- Mm.
- The Jonathans...
- Mm.
Damn.
Swift, Letham, Tropper...
...Franzen, Kellerman,
Livingston Seagull.
God bless.
So, you really believe
all this mumbo gumbo?
I don't know. There's something
calm about her.
She has, like, a quiet energy.
She's a mute.
Yeah, that helps with that.
And she's white.
So, I trust her magic
more than the Spanish kind.
You'll believe anything.
- You play the lottery.
- That's different.
At least with the lottery,
you know each time you play,
your chances are a little better
every time.
I don't think it works
like that.
Like you know.
What did you wish for?
I'm not telling.
Why not?
Because
it's birthday-wish rules.
You can't say.
Hey, what the hell
is going on in here?
What?!
Oh, we're drying shoes.
They said to dry all the shoes.
In the dryers?
Let me see the work order.
Fine.
Hey, are we gonna get
more detergent soon, or what?
We're almost all out. I told
Caputo we need to order more.
I'm not sure he really cares
at this point.
You really should have
ear protection.
Do you have any?
No. I just mean...
in a perfect world.
Leanne.Leanne!
What?
What is this?!
My wish!
My wish came true!
Calm down.
It's magic!
Frankie? Oh!
Oh, Frankie.
You have a phone call, Frankie.
Would you like
to take the phone?
Take the phone.
It's not a phone.
- What is it?
- It's a dog.
No, it's not.
Agree to the situation.
Roll with it.
But she is clear--
All right, it's a dog,
and my mistake,
and here is the phone.
That's not a phone, either.
What is it?
A d*ck!
I can't... I can't work
like this. I will not.
All right. Settle down.
Yo, agree to the situation.
That's the rules.
I can't agree to that.
It's nonsense!
This is not how
you're supposed to do improv.
I took a class at UCB.
Oh, good for you, Queen lmprov.
This is not your kingdom.
All right,
let's get someone else up here.
Warren, you already went.
Oh, but you said I needed
to sublimate my sense of
abandonment issues
in activities.
I don't remember saying that.
How 'bout Chapman and... Vause?
No, thanks. I'm good.
Well, we're all good.
What's the matter?
These two got history?
You know, with all due respect,
I don't think that you're gonna get
the greatest performances
out of us today.
I don't want a performance.
I want to see you listen and react.
Show me some emotional honesty.
I want to learn
how to cry on cue and sh*t.
Like, get real good,
win me an Oscar.
Never have to buy
my own clothes again.
Let's work on empathy, and then
we'll worry about free clothes.
Vause, come on up.
Chapman, let's go. Come on.
All right.
I need a location.
The moon.
Grocery store?
A grocery store.
You're the manager
at a grocery store,
and you are a customer
who's returning...
A live grenade.
The moon.
- A bruised pear.
- A bruised pear.
- No. Cantaloupe.
- Cantaloupe.
Uh, no, pear. Pear.
- You sure?
- Pear.
No, peach.
A bruised piece of fruit.
Sound good?
No. You're never supposed
to start an improv with a transaction.
But whatever.
All right, try to keep it up
for three minutes. Begin.
This... fruit is defective.
How so?
It's all nasty and bruised up.
Well, it's organic fruit.
So if you don't like my produce,
you can take your business elsewhere.
Ooh.
Oh, I can't, actually.
And why not?
Because then
the scene would be over.
And she said we had to
keep going for three minutes.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
- It's fruit, so get over it.
- I am over it.
You're obviously not.
You're not over anything.
But you know what?
You get what you pay for.
When are you gonna realize
that you don't get to do
whatever you want
because it makes you feel good?
Oh, my God.
You are such a hypocrite.
No! You crossed a line!
- I did?!
- Yes!
Do you think
that this is what I want?!
To be here in this...
in this grocery store?!
I'm sorry I sold you the fruit.
And, yes, fine.
I will admit it.
I knew it was bad. I did.
But I wanted my power back, too.
Because I wanted you back.
Because...
I missed you.
And I...
missed... your...
...patronage.
So... I sold you bad fruit
so you would come back
into my store.
And I know it was wrong,
and I'm sorry.
But I'm also not sorry,
because it is so...
good... to see you...
...customer.
Would you maybe like
another piece of fruit?
This is...
...it's a persimmon.
That's a d*ck.
You know I have a thing
for soft fruit.
Bow-chicka-bow-bow!
All right.
Good work. Good work.
You really want
out of here, huh?
Wh-- do you not want out?
I don't really care, you know?
So, it's like,
if it does happen,
then it'll be a nice surprise.
But then, if it doesn't,
then it's like
I didn't care to begin with.
It's kind of like
a double-reverse jinx blocker.
That's a good strategy.
- I thought so.
- No, that's good.
Hey,hey,Boo.
- Hey, Doggett.
- How are you?
You mind making like The Exorcist?
What? I can't.
I don't lay hands anymore.
Get the hell out of here.
Oh. I get it.
I get it. You're cute.
- Yeah.
- All right, how about this one?
How about I make like
the two feet and get to walking?
Yeah, that's gold. Solid gold.
All right. I'll go.
Boo, before you start in,
I don't know where it is,
all right?
There's too many junkies.
It, like, could be anyone.
Yeah, you're right.
I-it could be anyone.
Only I'm thinking
it's one in particular, hmm?
One who was reluctant
to give the sh*t up
in the first place.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you mean me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
I took it all, yeah.
You caught me.
Well, good, 'cause I'd rather
not make thousands of dollars.
You know? I don't.
Committing su1c1de with dope
after being clean for two years
is the much better plan.
I'm a genius.
You best not be
lying to me, bitch.
Give me a f*cking break, huh?
Marka wouldn't give me the money.
All right, well,
what am I supposed to do?
You want me
to break you out of jail?
All right, come on, man.
Look, Drew, I mean, seriously,
you can't... you can't dump
all this sh*t on me.
Is that Drew? Say hi for me.
Drew. f*cking people, man.
You know, I didn't force them
to get in the cab,
and now they're acting like
it's my fault, like I should feel so bad
they're gonna have to spend
a couple nights in jail.
Some people like to
blame everyone else for their problems.
Like my brother...
pins everything on our dad.
I'm like, "Get off it."
He molested me, too.
I turned out fine.
Tell you what, those two could use
a couple nights in jail, you know?
f*cking whiny b*tches,
acting like the world owes them.
That all we have left?
Yeah, that's it.
That sucks.
Hey, you know who else
is a little c**t?
That girl, uh, Monica, you know,
that party on West End? Huh?
That apartment
with all the rare books?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she showed me
a signed first edition
of The Old Man and the Sea
that she said is worth
a sh*t-ton.
I bet that girl
can't even f*cking read.
sh*t, do you know how
to get into that building?
Yep, they leave the door open
during the day
for the dog walker.
Maybe if we make enough
off of these books,
we can help out Drew and Jade.
Oh, yeah. That'd be nice.
You know, let's play it by ear.
Ohh, for crying out loud,
Norma, come on.
Can't you just keep this sh*t
in the kitchen?
We don't like the kitchen.
We like Norma.
Get off my floor!
Look, Norma doesn't even
know what she's doing.
No offense.
That's not true.
She has powers.
Powerful powers.
I prayed to Norma
for deliverance,
and deliverance felleth
from the sky.
I'm telling you,
what Elvis did for music
and Eminem did for rap,
Norma is gonna do
for jungle magic.
Escorts to infirmary.
Escorts to infirmary.
f*ck!
f*ck!
Luschek.
Remember when I...
what the f*ck?!
All right, listen. Remember when
I said the heroin is stolen?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, I'm the one who stole it.
All right, but now...
now the meth heads have it,
and we need to get it back.
All right, look, man.
I-|-l'm sorry, all right?
I couldn't say goodbye.
I'm an addict.
How convenient.
Well, it's not, actually,
for me or anyone around rne.
Didn't that sh*t, like, k*ll you?
Like, didn't your heart stop?
Man, it's...
not a rational thing, you know?
But I want it out of here.
I really do.
I can't trust you.
And you're gonna f*ck it up
for both of us.
I'm not gonna f*ck this up,
okay? I've made up my mind.
I-I don't want to die again,
all right?
There isn't... there's no...
white light for me.
If we don't get this stuff
out of here,
it's gonna find its way
back to me
or me to it, you know?
I'm like a...
a bloodhound for oblivion.
Well, oblivion doesn't make
a great business partner.
It'll be different this time,
all right? I swear.
Just, you got to trust me.
Hello? Hey, could you take those two
club chairs, put them right in there?
And then when the sofa comes,
I want it against the wall here.
Thanks. Hello?
Hey, Natalie. It's Joe.
How's Albany?
It's a burgeoning tech valley.
What do you want?
Congratulations to you
on your win.
I-I-l'm sorry
I didn't call sooner.
I... it's been crazy
around here.
Yeah, I hear
they're shutting down the camp.
How do you know that?
Oh, Jason hears everything.
Joe, I am so sorry.
It... it's dark times.
Dark, dark times for you.
Yes, my times are dark.
Actually, I was calling
because I thought
maybe you can talk to Jason.
Talk to Jason about what,
"Beer Can"?
About not closing the camp.
Maybe there's an emergency fund
or something, huh?
Oh, yeah, that's not really
in his purview,
more of a federal issue.
Look, Natalie,
I know you hate me.
And, obviously, I, uh--
Think about everybody else.
Think about Bell, Maxwell, Ford.
I'm so sorry. You know,
I am really bad with names.
Nat?
Can I get your advice
about the floor runner?
It's looking a little "kuntry"
with a "k" to me.
One second.
You know what, Joe?
I really got to run.
But it was so nice catching up.
Maybe I should
talk to Gavin instead.
Is that a name you remember?
Gavin? Your husband's butt boy?
What are you doing?
Are you trying to thr*aten me?
No, of course not.
I'm just suggesting
that if the prison was to close,
basically because you fleeced us
before running off to Albany,
I might be inclined to inform
the voters of your district
that your husband is a lying,
embezzling fudge packer.
That's offensive.
I know. h*m* is a bitch.
I could see why
you'd want to keep it a secret.
Joe, what's done is done.
There's no magic wand. Really.
I believe you.
So, what is the point?
I don't know.
A sense of justice, maybe?
Dark times.
I'll take my pleasures
where they come.
Joe, you have to take
a macro view on these things.
I'm in a position now to make
changes for the greater good.
Burn in hell, Natalie.
Katya, all I want
is for you to be happy.
I don't know why,
but we've lost the feeling
we had in the beginning.
We never have
real feeling at beginning,
because you're not the man
you say to me on internet.
- You catfish.
- Catfish?
Um, you're not
a real psychologist.
You don't go to the opera,
and you're not funny.
And you yell.
It...
It... it doesn't translate.
Look, I have not been perfect,
but there's nothing wrong between us
that we can't work through together.
No. It is too late.
I deserve better man
than you, Sam.
Oh, give me a f*cking break.
Deserve? Deserve?
You're a mail-order bride.
I'm not a mail-order bride.
So what if he drools
a small pond?
He takes care of you,
doesn't he?
He takes care of your mother,
and he's handsome,
and he's good.
And at least
he's f*cking trying,
which is a lot more
than I can say for you!
Visiting time
will be over in five minutes.
No exceptions.
Hello?
Hey. Get up.
Hey. what?
Get up.
You're high.
No. What?
No. I just...
I haven't been sleeping well
recenfly.
Look, I'm gonna give you
one chance.
Either you tell me
where the dr*gs are,
or you rot in max
for the rest of your sentence.
That's not much of a choice.
What's not
much of a choice?
Oh, sh*t.
Come on.
g*dd*mn it. Upsie whupsie.
Hey.
This it?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Don't! Those are my tits.
Liar.
These aren't tits!
I'm bringing these to Caputo.
Then why are you putting
her tits in your pants?
He's taking them for himself.
Shut the f*ck up!
You tell anybody about this,
and I will f*cking k*ll you!
With m*rder!
You understand?
Jesus Christ.
This is enough
to k*ll a sperm whale.
Well, ready your harpoons, huh?
Inmate 300429, you have a visitor.
Hey, man, what's your prob?
It's not for you.
You're done, remember?
Look, I'm just saying goodbye.
Again?
How many goodbyes do you need?
Jesus Christ. You're like Gollum
with the ring.
You're a better person
off heroin.
You never saw me on heroin.
I get the picture.
You tell Boo about this?
I mean, I probably should,
but, like, f*ck it,
it's Boo, you know?
Don't tell her.
One less f*ck-up
to expose the conspiracy.
Actually, this is a good thing
that we're doing,
getting this sh*t out of here.
I don't like the idea of you
or any of the other poochies
around here
getting hooked on this poison.
What... but some random
schmucks in Utica is fine?
We don't know 'em.
Come on.
Some sick thinking
you got there.
- Hey, Guerrera.
- Hmm?
That guard's back.
The cute one?
Yeah. Right outside.
He smells good, too.
Mm-hmm.
Can I help you?
No.
- Hey.
- What?
We know where
you can find dr*gs.
You ratting someone out?
Yeah, but not one of us.
One of youse.
Move along, inmate.
- Yeah, but--
- You heard me.
Don't you at least want a hint?
- Move along!
- Okay. Okay.
Electrical.
Look in electrical
and in Luschek.
Pull my hair.
- What?
- Just pull my hair.
Ouch!
Sorry.
Don't... don't apologize, Alex.
Just f*cking, like...
- Oh, God!
- You know, like...
No, it's just...
it feels weird now.
What are you...
It's not the same.
It's not the same.
It just... it feels weird.
I don't... like...
I don't want to hurt you.
f*cking empathy!
I knew that class
was a bad idea.
What are we gonna do now
if we can't have hate sex?
Hate snuggle?
I don't really think
that that's a thing.
Nobpdy's even heard from him.
I bet he got another job.
Good-looking guy like that
has tons of options.
He has one leg.
Yeah, but a pretty
face is worth a thousand legs.
Hey. Did an inmate tell you
something about dr*gs?
Something like what?
That there's dr*gs
in electrical.
You want us
to shake down a guard now?
Don't we have it bad enough?
You knew about this, too?
Those two dum-dums
were squawking all over camp.
Then why didn't any of you
do your job and report it?
You have a responsibility
to protect the safety
and welfare of these inmates.
What about
your responsibility... to us?
I have a daughter at home.
You won't even tell me
what's going on
so I can know if I should look
for another job.
Put your sandwich down.
Why?
Because I said so,
and you will do as you're told,
or you will clean out
your locker today.
I am sorry.
The prison is closing.
But I need all of you
to continue to do your jobs
effectively until it does.
Do you understand me?
Do you understand me?!
Now, you are gonna come
with Donaldson and me,
and we're gonna perform a search.
Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
Good. Let's go.
You can take your sandwich.
You want us to come?
No.
Good.
Hey, Luschek.
Aren't you worried about
leaving computers with inmates?
Maybe if any of you were
technically savvy, or Asian,
but, we screen for that.
Hey, Nichols, come here.
I want to show you a trick
with this, uh, switch-y thing.
Officer Bailey, you're requested
in laundry detail.
Officer Bailey.
It's done.
Mark said it's the best stuff
he's ever tasted.
So, you're a happy man?
Happy? f*ck happy. I'm rich.
Don't spend it all in one place,
all right?
I won't. I'm hitting
this casino in Oneida.
I'm coming to invest.
You sure that's a good idea?
Scared money
don't make no money.
Don't forget to put my share
in my commissary, okay?
You got it, partner.
Inmates, on your feet.
Stand in a line.
What's going on?
Drug sweep.
You high?
Please. High on life, maybe.
Smoked a big, old bowl of life
before I came in today.
Funny. Search his desk.
I was just joking,
but, fine. Go ahead.
Found something.
Looks like coke.
No. It's heroin.
Plus gum.
Wow! Heroin.
I always knew
you were a f*ck-up,
but I never pegged you
for a junkie.
Why do you assume it's me?
It's under your desk.
Everyone has access to my desk.
It doesn't mean sh*t.
It's her!
She's a f*cking junkie!
Who, me?
Could be anyone.
- You're the scumbag.
- Scumbag. Seriously?
You're gonna talk to me
like that?
I don't even do dr*gs, man!
I-l used to smoke marijuana.
But it... it made me paranoid!
And so did meth.
But heroin?!
f*ck, no. It's her.
What is this?! This is hearsay!
You don't even have any evidence!
Be quiet.
It's her.
I suspected her for a while.
All right.
Take her out, down the hill.
- What?
- You're done.
What the f*ck is happening?!
Mr. Caputo.
Whoa! What the f*ck?!
Max, Mr. Caputo?!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Max?!
f*ck! f*ck!
We will not tolerate this!
You bring dr*gs in here,
you will suffer the consequences.
Yeah.
They're taking her out?
Let this be a lesson
to all of you!
dr*gs destroy lives!
Never trust a f*cking junkie!
Even if the burglary charges
are dropped,
you were carrying a lot of heroin.
You're still
looking at five to ten years,
even if we cop a plea.
It's ten years?
What kind of a plea is that?
We'll work on getting
your sentence reduced.
To what?
Only... only eight years?
Oh, hey,
do I get a free mug, too?
I... this...
this is just great, right?
This... this is f*cking classic,
this guy.
All right, see... so...
so, you bend over backwards,
and then I'm the one
that winds up getting f*cked?!
It is the best possible outcome
at this point, Nicky.
Yeah, well,
maybe if you'd done something...
I don't know,
maybe done something sooner,
it never would have gotten this bad.
What are you talking about?
What?
All right, come on, right?
I have a problem.
I needed help.
You just gave me money!
I gave you money
so you wouldn't steal.
Apparently not enough.
What was I supposed to do,
Nicky, lock you in a tower?
All the rehabs,
all the promises,
and it's not just the dr*gs.
It's something
about the way you're wired.
You have this...
...unquenchable thirst
to self-destruct.
And, you know, someday you will.
Hey, on the bright side,
at least I'm going to jail,
so, you know,
I'll be out of your hair, huh?
You think that makes me happy?!
I don't know. I don't know.
I'm your mother.
I love you.
But I am no match for you.
Only you can save yourself
at this point, Nicky.
So you can
decide to take yourself on,
or you can let this thing
play out until it kills you.
I'm not the enemy.
Uh-huh?
I never was.
Right.
You look exhausted.
Rough day at work?
What the f*ck
are you doing here?
What's that?
Business plan,
management and corrections.
It's a prison corporation.
They were poking around
Litchfield about a year ago
looking to acquire
a women's prison,
but we didn't meet the criteria.
Why would it be
any different now?
Because now you know
the criteria.
Give them a call,
set up a walk-through.
And then what? Lie?
And you thought
my job would be easy.
So long, Beer Can.
See you, Fangs.
Nicky, baby, what's happening?
Stay back!
I need to talk to her!
I need to talk to her!
I'm her mother, g*dd*mn it!
Nicky, what happened?
Where did this come from?
I thought you were doing okay.
Wow. I'm a f*ck-up, huh?
You know, you could have come
to me if you were struggling.
- I know.
- Then why didn't you?
Because that's not what I do, okay?
I love you.
I love you, too.
Down the hill to max.
All right.
Hey, Nichols.
You wanted out.
You're getting out.
Yeah. How 'bout that?
Hey, look at the bright side.
Can't get any shittier.
I don't know about that, Penn.
I'm very resourceful.
Mm, well, you know...
Did you say goodbye
to your people?
What people?
All the dykes and your mom.
Red's not my morn.
Wouldn't wish that on her.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
03x03 - Empathy Is a Boner k*ller
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Piper Chapman is sentenced to a year and a half behind bars to face the reality of how life-changing prison can really be.
Piper Chapman is sentenced to a year and a half behind bars to face the reality of how life-changing prison can really be.