03x04 - Finger in the d*ke

[bunniefuu]

No. Vee. Vee.

No, Vee.

Vee. Vee!

Vee! Vee! Vee!

Vee! Vee!

Shut the f*ck up.

Yeah, I've been tryin' to get
some sleep around here.

- Vee! Vee! Vee! Vee!
- What the hell's wrong with you?

- I'm so tired of this sh*t.
- Vee's in trouble.

I got to tell her about
the dragon that's coming!

It was a dream, crazy pants.

You were dreaming!

- What?
- Lay your ass down.

Whew.

- Just a dream?
- Yes!

Like yesterday
and the day before that.

sh*t.

Sorry.

Rise and shine, ladies.

Another crappy day in prison.

Shut up!

It smells like her.

You wouldn't understand it.
You're not a parent.

But the top of your head,
right here...

...it always smells like you,

from the time you're an infant
until you're a f*cked-up adult.

Luschek is the f*ck up.

Bullshit.
Luschek wasn't lying.

That baggie was hers.
She told me herself.

A junkie and a hoarder.

He is still the reason
that she is down there.

He did not need to name her.

Being angry at him
is a waste of time.

Seems more productive
than sniffing an old hairbrush.

Hey, Pennsa-fucky.

Hey, you know that
Pennsatucky's a nickname.

- Mm-hmm.
- So you don't got to change it.

It's already a name
that's not my name.

Yes, but there's always
room to riff.

Can I borrow some toothpaste?
My commissary's low.

Nah. I don't got none...

...big boobs.

Nice one.

How do you not have
any toothpaste?

'Cause I don't need
any toothpaste.

These babies are porcelain.

You know,
I sure as hell ain't a dentist,

but I don't think
that's how it works.

Why 'cause you think
the Queen of England's

just sitting around,
ordering her butler or whatever

to clean the fancy china
with Colgate?

No, of course not, because
plates don't get cavities,

and neither do these bad boys.

Man, your parents didn't really
even do the bare minimum with you.

Oh, I see
your Evenagli-crazy fan club

is still going full swing.

"Blood will be
shed for the m*rder*d babies.

We shall stand together
and rejoice

as the transgressor's...

...skin crackles in the fires of hell."

Jesus f*cking Christ,
that is terrifying.

When you hear it out loud,
I see your point.

"Reverend Lawlor circulated
your prison l.D. number.

We hope that you've received
our donation

- and that you'll"-- Hold up.
- Hmm?

These pulsing forehead veins,
they give you money?

Yeah, they do in my commissary.

- Oh, my God.
- Hmm?

- That is f*cking genius.
- I don't know.

I've been having
some feelings about it.

Did you know I didn't sh**t
that nurse lady

for any type of a holy righteous
thing like they all think?

I... I got really mad,

and she hurt my...
she hurt my feelings.

And sometimes, I get this--
I get this really bad temper.

You still like me, or...?

Doggett, don't you know what this means?

Yeah.

I'm going to hell.

No! No!

It means you are the normal one.

I mean, come on.

Some bitch insulted you,
so you sh*t her?

Now, to me, that makes
a hell of a lot more sense

than sh**ting
a complete stranger

that you demonize
for your own agenda.

I mean, being too militant
about anything never ends well.

Those people...
they're the nutbags.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

- I get it.
- Yeah.

I need to stop taking nuts
from nutbags. All right.

It's time to right my wrongs.

N-no, no, no.
That's... not what I said.

I don't care what you want.
I'm not f*cking wearing it.

Why do you have to be such
a bitch all the time?

Because you're such
a good role model.

Do you want the kids
to make fun of you?

There's good attention and
there's bad attention, Carrie.

I do not understand
why you have to always make things

so difficult for yourself.

- I swear to God.
- What the hell's going on?

I give up. I give UP!

Well, that's... nice.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Okay, enough with the "fuckings."

We get that you're a teenager.

I look like a thumb in a dress.

You know how happy
it'll make her.

You're aware of how stupid that
is, right, that I have to go out

and pretend to be something
I'm not to make her happy?

One day we're asking from you.

I can't go to school like this.
I won't.

Well, you don't have a choice.
Here's how it works.

You go, you sit, you smile,
they flash the little bulb.

Mom has a picture of you
to show grandma

that won't make her have
another stroke,

and you keep wearing clothes

from the boys' section
of JC Penney's

on every other day of the year.

Everyone's happy-.

Yeah, except me.

Boy, must be exhausting,
all those raging hormones.

Look, I'll buy you a root beer.

I'll put a bendy straw in it.

Do this for your father who has
to live with your mother?

Please?

Fine.

But you're both assholes.

There's my sweet little buttercup.

Library later?

I have a headache.

What are you, a '50s housewife?

We haven't had sex in a week.

Lesbian bed death.
It's a thing. Look it up.

Yeah, I'm familiar with it,
and it's bullshit.

Come on.

Maybe we can't hate f*ck anymore,

but we can still love f*ck, right?

- "Love f*ck"?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's so unappealing,
my nipples inverted.

Come on. It's the only thing
that feels normal to me right now,

which should tell you
how messed up I am.

Let me feel your normals.

Alex, can we drop this?

God, you're acting so pissy.

It's making me kind of hot.

Not today, okay? Stop.

Is this about Nicky?

I miss her, too,
but she of all people

would want us getting off
in her honor.

You're the worst.

Oh, sh*t.

It's June 7th.

Oh, my God.

Can you not tell anyone, please?

Because you know how I feel
about June 7ths.

Okay. Your wish
is my command, princess.

Oh, that would be
a fun role play.

Genie and Aladdin.

"Free me from this lamp,
street urchin."

No?
All right, we'll work up to it.

Good, good, good, good.

Hope you're enjoying
the provisions, folks.

We're gonna need you to put your best,
caffeinated foot forward today.

- Where's the cream?
- No cream.

- Two percent, you want that?
- Fig always bought cream.

Let's go. Sit down.

How long is this gonna take?

Remember a week ago when you were
all crying about losing yourjobs?

Remember how horrible
that was gonna be?

Hmm? Well, good ol' Joe here might have
found a solution to the problem.

Now it's your turn
to help yourselves.

Yes?

Did you just refer to yourself
in the third person?

I don't trust these people.

Who buys property without
any comps in the neighborhood?

Can't be a good investment.

They're not buying it,
all right?

Litchfield will remain
a federal property.

MCC would manage it
and retain any profits.

Look, guys, it's a long sh*t.

They're considering several
facilities at the moment.

But I convinced them that we
were worth being on that list.

So you lied to them.

I merely let them know
that we're a good bet.

Sounds like lying.

There are many misconceptions
about the cost and difficulty

associated with female prisons,

which I will clear up for them
on the tour today.

Those poochies be difficult.
For real, though.

Look, help me out.
Don't be stupid.

I've already prepped
a few inmates.

If you see something
these people shouldn't see,

solve the problem
quickly and quietly.

Managing this place
for the feds?

I don't like the smell of that.

How does unemployment smell?

Good? Smells good to you?

Yo, you kept me up all night,

and now I got to eat
with your ass, too?

Man, don't say "eat" and "ass"
so close together

while I'm trying
to eat breakfast.

Somebody woke up
on the wrong side the bed.

Technically, there's only
one side of the bed

because the other side is
up against a partition,

- which wouldn't all0w--
- Will you shut the hell up?

sh*t, it's too early for this.

You know what? Does somebody
want to explain to me

why she's sitting with us, anyway?

I mean, since when
did we start chillin'

with bitch-ass followers

who b*at the sh*t out of people

just 'cause some
crazy lunatic says to?

Sound like some vengeful Simon
Says bullshit, if you ask me.

I was just clarifying
the bed issue.

Clarity is important.

"You should be meticulous
with your words."

That's what Vee would say.

Except she don't say sh*t now

'cause everybody be saying
that bitch

got smushed like a bug
on a windshield.

- Here we go.
- No, no.

You're a liar! She's fine!

Vee is fine,
and she's coming back for me!

Hey, hey, hey,
hey,hey,hey,hey-

Take care of your girl.

I ain't her keeper.

It's you or the shu.

- You want to be responsible for that?
- Really?

Suzanne, sit down.

P, switch seats
and don't talk to her.

You want to carry that grudge,
be my guest.

But I don't see
how them scrawny chicken legs

can stand the extra weight.

My legs ain't scrawny.

They're proportional.

Hey, hey. Nicky will be okay.

How do you know?

I don't.

It's just-- it's a thing
people say, right?

I'll get your tray.

Yo, careful.
You're gonna splatter.

That mother... fucker.

Bennett f*cked Aleida?

No, you idiot.

Oh, like that was
such a crazy question.

These eggs smell like ass.

Gloria must have used
that fart seasoning.

Yo, you're f*cking children, yo.
I can't deal with it today.

"If a man also lie with mankind
as he lieth--"

Really? "Lieth?"

You can't say that word
without a lisp.

Who are these people kidding?
God was the original f*g.

Look, I happen to think
this church of hers

isn't deserving of the title,
and we have a deal,

but don't push me.

You're right, sister. My bad.

"...as he lieth with woman,

they are both committing
an abomination.

They shall surely be put to death.

Their blood will be
upon them." Boom.

- And?
- Leviticus 24601.

23:13, 20.

- Not Jean Valjean's prison number.
- Good catch.

Thou shalt not
make musical references.

Why not?

Because that's like
the gayest thing on the planet,

and even I know that.

That is an ugly stereotype...
about gay men.

See, everybody knows my people
are stage managers, not performers.

Remember to talk about
the light a lot.

Walking into the light,
following the light.

That's good.
Yep, remember that, Boo.

Are you sure
you're prepared for this?

Eastberg Baptist is...
is all hate, all the time.

Jesus' girlfriend's
got a real good point.

'Cause licking gravy boats has
kind of been your whole thing.

And Reverend Lawlor,
he's got a lot of opinions.

Okay, look. Nobody is talking
about conceding

my hard-earned position
as lord of the lesbians.

I'm just embracing
the gray areas to make a buck.

Black and white, that's
for zebras and Michael Jackson.

Wait, ain't he dead?

Exactly.

Here you go, sister.

In lieu of a mattress.

Oh. Pleasure doing business with you.

And finally,
what led you to see how far

you strayed from the Christian
life, Ms. Black?

Oh, well...

I hadn't found the right man,
of course.

But then, this chubby Santa Claus
looking guard showed up, and boom.

One look at his meaty ass
and I was sticky in the knickers

for monogamous, hetero love.

- How's it look?
- Oh, clear skies

with 100 percent chance
of p*ssy after midnight.

I'm talking about
the Browns' game.

Oh, five-point spread, Steelers.

f*ckers. All right.

- I'll take our boys, A.T.S.
- Yeah.

Good luck. Ha.

Hey, Marcus, you tell
your boy over there

he owes me $200 by Monday.

Cut him some slack.

That is not the business
that I'm in, my brother.

Ho!

Oh, I know this one.

Well, hello, there.

- Hi.
- Rum and coke, right?

I'm very intuitive.

- It's my favorite.
- Oh?

It tastes like
vacation in a cup.

That was the stupidest thing
I've ever said.

- My name's Carrie.
- Tracy.

Tracy.
Well, it is nice to meet you.

I'm having such a good time
with you.

Yeah, it's, uh...
it's okay, isn't it?

Look where you are.

I live really close to here.

You want to go there
and have another drink?

Yeah, let's do that.

Let's do that.

f*cking dykes.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You think you're a tough guy,
you cocktail wiener?

Answer me, you fuckwad.

I should f*cking k*ll you,
you f*cking assh*le!

I'll stuff your little cock
down your throat!

Get out of here!
Get the f*ck out of here!

That's right, run,
you h*m* little bitch!

I'm going home.

What?

Don't let that little sh*t
ruin our night.

- You ruined our night.
- Seriously?

You can't blame a stupid kid

when you're the poster child
for all things butch.

You were so hot
before you were a c**t.

What the f*ck happened to you
to make you so angry?

Oh, I wish I had some sob story
that would explain everything.

Well, sorry
to disappoint you, sugar.

Ain't no dramatic
origin story here.

Just a big old d*ke who refuses
to apologize for it.

You know, c'est moi, you prissy,
h*m*, self-hating bitch.

It's really great meeting you.

f*ck.

Thank you so much for coming.
Joe Caputo.

Hi, Joe.
We spoke on the phone.

Elizabeth Wilkinson,
SVP of Acquisitions.

Yes, hi.

Jack, SVP of Strategic Planning.

Jack.

- Robert, SVP of Development.
- Robert.

Well, thank you so much
for hearing us out today.

I think you Will find
that Litchfield

will make a great addition
to your company.

Not according
to our cost analysis.

Hey, there.
Joe Caputo.

Hey. Danny Pearson.
Good to meet you.

Hey. I remember those days.
Don't let them get you down.

Oh, yeah. This is...
Hey, can I ask you something?

- Sure thing.
- Am I dressed appropriately?

I'm... I'm new,
and the e-mail said "no khaki,"

and then I wasn't sure
whether to go dressy or casual.

And the more I thought about it,

slacks just seemed...
I don't know.

You ever worry about sort of
throwing your freedom of choice

in their faces like you're
showing off to the... women?

We prefer to call them
"inmates."

- And you look just fine, man.
- Oh, great. Thanks.

Let's get started, huh?

I mean, you would have d*ed.
Second row. Can you even?

I could basically smell
Trey Anastasio's B.O.

Oh, and Brittani,
with an not a

she totally smuggled in
like an eighth

of that strawberry kush hybrid
that Feinberg's been growing.

It was such a k*ller night.

Anyway, I miss you.

That's so fun, Meadow.

Are you okay?

No.

Everyone's been talking
about you.

You know how badass it is
that you're actually here?

How the rest of us, we wouldn't
be able to survive in prison.

But look at you!
You're doing it. It is so cool.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Your vibe's different.

Are you sure you're okay?

If this is about the
Pema Chodron fight we had

right before you left,
it's really not a big deal.

Prison... is not cool.

Being here is not cool.

It's not brave or admirable
or courageous.

It's stupid.

I feel stupid
for being in here...

...and stupid for thinking
that it wouldn't ruin my life

and that it would be okay.

And I'm not surviving.

I'm just... existing.

Y-you know I drove, like,
three hours to get here, right?

Well... you don't have to
ever again.

Benito Mendoza, look at me,
right now.

Gloria...

Oh, you think that's funny?

You listen to me.

You think you hot sh*t?

You think because I messed up,

you're gonna follow
in your mother's footsteps?

Well, let me tell you something.
You're dead wrong.

From now on, you're gonna
come here every week.

You're gonna bring
your homework.

And if you don't, I will
make your life a living hell

even from in here.

Try me.

I'll call my brothers
from Washington Heights

and they will hang your ass
over that bridge

until you piss on yourself

and it comes running down
your body into your mouth.

That's the kind of sh*t
they live for.

Every week, Benito.

You hear me, little boy?
Every week.

Here, let me get that. Here.

Oh, you didn't have
to do that.

Well, you didn't have
to say all those nice things

about me to Katya, either.

Your Russian
really must be terrible.

You called me a good man.

I only said what I believed.

Are you all right?

Your eyes look glassy.

I feel like I lost a child.

I'm sorry, Galina.

I thought I could save her.

If someone jumps
into shark-infested waters,

you can't jump in after them.

- Cafeteria.
- I know.

I told them
that she's doing fine,

that she's sitting under...
she's sitting under a tree somewhere,

eating a pink lady apple...

Oh, 'cause Vee loves
pink lady apples,

and she's thinking about me,

Just like I'm thinking about her.

It's gonna work out.

How much are you spending
on meals?

$1.79 per inmate per meal.
$5.37 a day.

We find that women eat less
than men,

so we're able to keep
our food costs low.

The national average is $1.58.

We've heard some discouraging things
about housing a female population.

Do you find it's more difficult

because of their...
health requirements?

You know, the great thing is

the ladies here
are all synched up,

so it's a real rough
couple of days,

but at least it's not
spread out, you know.

I grew up with three sisters
and a mother in the house,

so we had to batten down
the hatches.

Lucky I made it
out of there alive.

Let's move on to the kitchen.

Inmate Mendoza,
glad you could join us.

What's on the menu today?

Food.

It's a cumin, garbanzo-bean
stew-type thingy.

We got a whole case of it last week.

And Gloria, she figured out
a way how to stretch them

after we picked out
all the rotten ones.

We find that our inmates
are one of our best assets.

They are very resourceful,

and we rely on them to help us
get through the day.

Yeah, like, this one time,
everyone got the shits real bad

from eating old pork
or whatever,

so we served white bread
for the next couple days.

It was real good for the tummy.

It sopped up all the badness.

Hey, Joe, are you guys on the
codified national meal schedule?

You know,
I'm... I'm not sure about...

I'm gonna look into that, Danny.

Great, yeah, take your time.

Yeah, let's keep--
let's keep moving, huh?

Right this way.

When are you two gonna learn
how to shut up?

You're like Lucy and Ethel
without the charm.

- We was just trying to help.
- You want to help?

Start by shutting up
and doing what I ask you to do.

Stop gabbing
while you're serving.

Stop thinking that anyone needs
you to do more than your job.

Geez.

You got your period?

- Yes.
- Me, too.

Oh, it all makes sense now.

If you follow the power cord,
it'll lead you--

I know.

I'm just saying,
it'll lead you to the fuse.

I don't need your help,
you disgusting little vole.

Don't you talk to me.
Don't you look at me.

And go ahead.

Give me a sh*t
for being insubordinate.

I don't give a f*ck.

Am I at least allowed to ask
what a vole is?

Right this way.

Chapman, how are we doing today?

We are doing so great, Mr. Caputo.

Would you mind explaining
what it is you're doing today

for our guests?

Absolutely.

The microwave...
it stopped working yesterday.

So I'm trying to fix it.

By assigning our inmates
work duty,

we avoid the exorbitant cost
of hiring outside contractors.

Everybody contributes
to the community.

Well, not everyone.

Some people try to destroy it.

What seems to be
the problem there?

The... thermal fuse blew.

And you can fix that
by yourself, honey?

Well, I sure can...

...if I concentrate extra hard
with my lady brain.

Thank you, Chapman.

Right this way.

I'm gonna make you look
real natural. Don't worry.

Mm, go ahead and call me
"Jesus" from now on,

'cause this bitch
just worked a miracle.

It really is something.

Yeah, it's definitely something.

Man, I cannot wait
to fleece this m*therf*cker.

I'm actually, like,
all tingly and sh*t.

Okay. All finished.

Show me my big, beautiful self.

Okay, almost there.
Just hold on.

All right, all right.

There... we... go.

Oh, I love this part.
This is like that TV show

where they gave those ladies the
plastic surgery and makeover,

and then all their problems
just went away after.

Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry! I can't help it.

I just love makeovers,
and you look so pretty.

Boo? You look f*cking weird.

What? She does.

No...

...l look like my mother.

Carrie...

Oh, God.

Oh. my God!

f*ck! I love you.

Says the girl who just came.

I don't see why that's not a perfectly
valid reason to love someone.

Well...

And do you know why I love you?

Because I have great tits?

Exactly.

Jesus.
Don't get me going again, girl.

Can I ask you something?

Not if it's about my mother.

Carrie, come on.

Talk to me.

Remember when we were f*cking?

Gee, that was fun.

Your mom is sick
and you're not gonna go see her?

That's not normal.

You're right. I'm not normal.
I'm q*eer.

Wait, did you not know
we were lesbos?

My bad. I should have told you.

I mean, you must have been
very confused.

Look, I don't get why
you're holding on to this.

Look at you.

You're living your life,
you have me.

You don't have to keep
fighting the world.

Isn't forgiving her
easier than not?

Oh, Christ,
I don't f*cking know.

I'm... I'm worried
if you don't go see her,

you're gonna regret it.

Those little baskets
of seashells everywhere

really freaked me out.

It's weird living back home.

They said it was going to be
two weeks, yet it's been six.

The sustainable wood for
the microhouse is on backorder.

Isn't that amazing?

Who would have thought that wood
could be on backorder?

Are they waiting
for the trees to grow?

Are you waiting for the oceans to rise
and reclaim their bounty?

Oh, oh, isn't this fun?

What's with your new look?

Did you join a World w*r ll
reenactment group?

Oh, that's dark.

Cal's gotten into the
post-modern ice cream movement.

Been doing some really interesting
experiments with nitrogen.

I'm working on a BLT flavor
at this moment.

And when we get enough money,

we're gonna open an
old-fashioned ice-cream parlor,

but with future-now flavors
for an experiential mash-up.

So I decided to, you know,
perfect my look.

Now... I'm bidding online

for a wearable bass drum
as we speak.

It's all happening.

Enough about us.
How was your birthday, darling?

Did you get any presents
from your prison friends?

I haven't told anyone
it's my birthday, so nope.

No presents.

Are you not gonna say anything?

I don't have anything to say.

Then why did you come?

Because it's your birthday, Piper.

Have I ever missed
your birthday?

I'm sorry. I can't just sit here
and make small talk.

You don't have to.
I'm not size-ist.

You can talk big.
You can talk medium.

You're 32.

You're getting further
and further behind in life.

I'm frustrated that
we can't seem to help you.

Maybe this is exactly where
I am supposed to be right now.

Maybe this, right now,
is making me a better person.

I'm learning more Spanish.

And I can fix things.

I'm a part of a community.

And I have a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend that I love.

So there.

Saw that coming.

So, does that mean
you're officially--

lt means that I officially
have a girlfriend.

Dear God.

You know, I find myself saying
that phrase too a lot,

but with
a different inflection and...

...breathier.

Dear... God!

Happy Birthday!

Hi, there.

Need something?

Well, I'm sorry to bother you.

I just... I wanted you
to have these.

Thought they might brighten
yourday.

Rose seeds?

Oh, is that what they are?

I don't have a green thumb, so...

It says "rose" right there
on the package.

Oh, yeah, I was in a hurry
after lunch, so...

They'll be a lovely addition
to the garden.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

How you gonna love a song

that just, like, lists
the days of the week?

Like it's Sesame Street
or some sh*t.

That's only one teeny part.

The rest is all, "Tonight's
gonna be a good night."

It makes me feel optimistic

about the evening
we gonna have and sh*t.

You know we in prison,
though, right?

Whatever, man.
They all sellouts, anyway.

Man...

Hello?
One second, please.

Poussey Washington, it's the
Black Eyed Peas calling for you.

They want to give you
all the moneys.

All you got to do is sing the
days of the week and be famous!

- All the moneys?
- All the moneys!

No.

Man, you're bullshitting.
You're bullshitting.

I mean, if that's the case,
I could be a famous rapper.

You know what I'm saying?
Like...

January, February, March

April, May, and June

July, August--

Oh, sh*t, yo.
Turn this sh*t up.

We all know what it's like
to move. All the boxes.

Who the f*ck is that?

Oh, it's Judy King, man.

She's a chef lady.

Yo, she ain't just a chef, man.

She's an entertainment
and lifestyle specialist.

Yo, she cooks the food,

and then she shows you
how to present it, right.

Putting little sprigs
of rosemary on the plate,

putting it on a bed of moss and sh*t.

Presentation is everything.

Did you just say "sprig"?

...raspberry buttermilk pie today.

It's my way of saying...

I... I seen this one before, man.

That raspberry buttermilk pie
turns out real nice.

Even when white folks try to be
exciting, they still boring.

Yeah, I was asleep.

Yo, what the f*ck? Look.

Ask the person
behind the fish counter if...

Man, that girl
is gonna be the death of me.

Let her ass go to the shu.

Right this way.

This is our TV room.

Go, go. You got to go.

White people... and other.

And we'll be going... this way.

Right this way.

Hey, hands up over your head.

Help.

Vee came to me,
and she told me to follow her,

but my feet weren't fast enough.

Okay.

And I missed her, Taystee.
I missed her.

Okay, Suzanne.
You have to listen to me.

Vee wasn't here.

- Vee's dead.
- No, she's not!

- Yes, she is.
- She is not!

Vee's dead, Suzanne!

Vee is dead! Vee's dead!

Vee's...

She's gone.

Yes.

She's gone.

I am so sorry.

Me, too.

You want help, there?

Nope, I've got it. Thank you.

I called you my girlfriend.

What? To who?

To my parents... and my...
brother and my brother's wife.

That's a bold move, Chapman.

I know.
I didn't even mean to say it.

It just... it just came out.

And now... now I can't stop
thinking about it.

Do you want to pass me a note
and have me circle yes or no?

I'm not asking you
to be my girlfriend.

- Oh, no?
- No! Definitely not.

I just thought...
I thought that it was weird.

It's totally weird.

You know, the Qur'an is turning
out to be more interesting

than I would've guessed.

Technically, I'm not supposed
to be touching it,

but I did wash my hands,

so I decided that Allah
would be cool with it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Yeah.

- Yes?
- Yes, you idiot.

She said "yes."

- Good for you, hon.
- Mazel tov.

I have something for you.

- It's a non-birthday gift.
- Okay.

Here.

What is it?
ls this... a list of songs?

Well, I couldn't make you a mix,

so I wrote down the songs
I would've put on the mix

if we were, like, normal people

and not weird
prison girlfriends.

Okay, "Only You," Yaz.

"You Wouldn't Like Me,"
Tegan and Sara.

- "The p*ssy is Mine," Miguel.
- Miguel.

This is so nice, and so gay.

- I know.
- Thank you.

Mr. Caputo,
I need to speak to you.

I'm sure it's something
your counselor would be happy

to assist you with, inmate.

It's about one of your guards.

As you can see,
I am very busy at the moment,

so I will make every effort
to try and find you tomorrow.

It's about C.O. Bennett.

Excuse me.

Please.

What the hell do you want?

He hasn't been here
for two weeks.

I haven't heard nothing from him.

Please, Mr. Caputo,
you got to know where he is.

You got to know something.

I am gonna give you
the benefit of the doubt

and assume that you are not
a complete moron

despite that stupid,
stupid power move

you just tried to pull,

which means you can make
the same assumption

I've made about Bennett.

- He is gone.
- No.

And he is not coming back.

Unfortunately for you, inmate,

not everyone around here
is locked up.

I hate to be presumptive,
but was that inmate... pregnant?

This is a good example
of our concerns,

the cost associated with a birth
while the inmate is in our care.

And they're prohibitive,
to say the least.

Great thing about men,
they don't have uteruses.

She's not pregnant.

And quite frankly, you should
never assume that about a woman.

Whew! I've learned that one
the hard way.

Well, a big hetero hello
to all of you.

You buying this?
Anybody? Yes? No?

Thank you.

...in room 23.

Code blue, room 23.

Carrie.

Hey, Pop.

Hi.

You Okay?

Of course not.
That was stupid, huh?

I can't believe you're here.

It's been so many years, Carrie.

Well, you know...
she's my mother.

I'm here now.

You won't even recognize her,
she's so frail.

I can handle it, Pop.

I-I don't think she can.

Satellite pharmacy, 2713.
Satellite pharmacy, 2713.

What, you mean the, uh,
sight of her d*ke daughter

is going to make her worse?

Carrie, would it k*ll you

to put on some other clothes
before you see her?

Well, these are my good chucks, Pop.

You know what I mean.

God.

I'm so f*cking tired.

I have been her daughter for 42 years.

Now, don't you think she could
have taken some of that time

to work on accepting me
for who I am

rather than mourning every
f*cking thing that I am not?

I understand that whatever
this is, is important to you,

but it's a costume.
That's all.

The rest of us, we get up,

put on a suit and a tie,
we go to work.

You think that's how I wanted
to dress five days a week?

- No, of course not.
- But no one gets the privilege

of being themselves
all the time, Carrie. No one.

Now, if you want to go in there
and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you.

But you need to decide whether your
costume is worth what it's costing you.

I... have had to fight for this...

...all my life, Dad.

All my life.

Strangers, girlfriends,
f*ck, even... even my own parents,

all asking me to be something
that I am not.

Do you have any idea
what that feels like?

Like your whole f*cking
existence is being denied,

like, "it would be better off
if you were invisible."

Yeah.

I refuse to be invisible, Daddy.

Not for you, not for Mom.

Not for anybody.

So, um...

I'm sorry.

Hi, there.
You must be the Reverend Lawlor.

Carrie, it's a pleasure. I've heard such
impressive things from Tiffany. Please.

Oh, thank you.

Well, she's told me
really great things

About your holy work, sir.

So, it sounds like
you've been on quite a journey.

Using your time here
to get back on the right path?

It's a testament to the power
of prison rehabilitation.

Oh, absolutely, yes.

You know, there's so much time
here to think, reflect,

on life, regrets... on sin.

Yeah. Tell me more about that.

Forgive me.

I just... I get so emotional
when I have to talk about this.

You know, like the bible says,

"lf man also lie with mankind
the way he lieth with woman--"

"...both have committed
an abomination."

- Amen. Exactly.
- You're not alone.

I've talked to so many people
like yourself.

Faggots who have committed
disgusting acts

before admitting that they'd
fallen prey to this illness.

I hope you don't mind my asking.

What was it that turned you
to the light?

Well, I just, I prayed... a lot.

And then jesus came in me...
to me, sorry.

Jesus came to me.

- ...with so much love.
- Praise the Lord.

Mm. Reverend, Tiffany said

that you might be able
to take up a collection

to help support me

as I continue my walk
on the path of decency?

Stories like yours really
resonate with the congregation,

the narrative of the reformed
sinner spreading the gospel.

And let me tell you, your story,

a tale of wickedness and
depravity, a thieving d*ke,

well, that should make

for a compelling
inspirational pamphlet.

Of course, we'll... we'll need

to cover that tattoo of yours
for the photo.

Reverend Lawlor...

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm just trying
to remember the passage.

Oh, yes.
It's Corinthians 69.

I think it goes,
"Suck my big fat d*ke d*ck,

you f*cking hateful
piece of sh*t!"

- f*ck you!
- All right, settle down.

- That's enough.
- I'm good. Jesus was a f*g.

He said,
"This is my body. Eat me."

Thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you.
- I appreciate your time.

- It was very informing.
- All right, Joe. Thanks.

Thank you. Drive safe.

Watch yourself on route 16, huh?

Uh, speed trap.

So?

I'd polish up that résumé
if I were you, Ford.

Can I have one of those?

Get the f*ck out of here.

What the hell is wrong
with all of you?

I swear to God,
you were my kid...

...if you were my kid,
you'd still be f*cked up.

Please. I need something.

You Okay?

He's gone.

I know.

f*cking piece of sh*t,
like all of them.

Yep.

Can't believe he just left us.

It's not the worst thing
that will happen to that kid.

I'm glad you're back.

Seeing you like that was scarier

than seeing that dolphin penis
at SeaWorld.

Around all that water, it looked
out of place, you know.

Some ladies just ain't meant
to look lady-like.

Now, my mother would disagree.

She'd say, "Don't be a salmon."

ls that a vag*na thing?

No. Salmon, they swim upstream
against the current.

Oh.

Wish I had said goodbye to her.

But I was dumb.

Today, you were brave.

Horse sh*t.

I got six weeks extra work duty.

Yeah, but you stood up for yourself,
and that's more than I can say.

Nah. I just showed them
who I really am:

a big, stupid, stubborn,
p*ssy-loving d*ke.

Hey, well, listen.

If that's who you are,
then that's who you are.

And there's no use
in fighting it,

and if you ain't gonna fight it,
you might as well embrace it,

or else you're living
in purgatory.

f*ck yeah.

Here's to heaven or hell
and nothing in between.

Boom.

Probably hell, though. I mean,
who the f*ck am I kidding?

Oh.

You need to start brushing.

No, trust me on this.

Seriously, take it.

- Thank you.
- Really?

Yeah, really.

All right.
I'll give it a go,

but I'm telling you,
it's just a waste of my time.

Oh, there is no wiser schmuck
than you, my friend.

Yeah, no sh*t. Guess what?

- Hmm?
- I'm still taking their money.

I renounce thee, Satan.

Oh, bring that in.

Yes!

Bunch of chumps.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about flossing.

- The string?
- Yeah, with the string.

- f*ck that.
- No, it's important.

- Joe Caputo.
- Joe. Danny Pearson.

Danny. Of course.

I hope you don't mind
me calling this late.

No, n-not at all.
Did you make it home okay?

I-I know that last turn
at the end,

that left, it's confusing.

Yeah, I made it just fine.

Look, I'll keep it short.

MCC is gonna be
taking over Litchfield

effective as soon as
the paperwork goes through.

Holy sh*t.

I'm sorry.
I-| just... I thought everything

that could have gone wrong
on that tour did.

Yeah, well,
it was a real sh*t show,

but we toured
the maximum-security facility

before we came
to visit you guys,

and with the number
of bodies down there

and the potential for
the unused space, it was a no-brainer.

Wow. This is gonna be
such a relief

for a lot of people
around here, Danny.

Thank your bosses for me.

Well, I'm glad.

I got to run right now,

but I look forward
to working with you, Joe.

Likewise. Hey, Danny, thank you
so much. Take care.

Oh, hell, no!

Too far. Too far.
Okay. I hear you.