03x12 - Don't Make Me Come Back There

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[Dayanara groaning]

Feels like somebody's
strangling my guts.

I know.

It's like they squeeze them
till they die.

I know, mami, I know.
But you have to relax.

Try to roll through it, okay?




You fight it, it's worse.

Aquí, put this behind her back.

- Bebé.
- [Dayanara] Thanks.

[speaking English]
Yeah. That, too.

I can't wait for this baby to come,
so she can stop being pregnant.

"Oh! My back!
Oh, I'm sh1tting in pellets now."

Have some compassion.
You had a baby, too.

Yeah, but it wasn't a big deal.

I didn't know she was in there till,
like, seven months.

How could you not know?
You weigh 90 pounds.

You must have looked like
a egg with four sticks in it.

I'm not a scientist, okay?

I was smoking a lot of pot that summer.

I got pineapple!

You eat this,
things will go fast.

La china found it on the bottom shelf
in commissary.

It's from 2006,
but cans last forever, right?

I don't want her in here.
She tried to sell the baby.

It's not about the baby.
It's about you.

She's a whole thing,
but she loves you... in her way.

Her way's not good enough!

Seriously, get out!

Go, get the f*ck out!

[groaning]

[Gloria] Okay, all right.
You're doing good, mami, that's good.

[Aleida] So, mamá...

[speaking English] So?

[speaking English] Ma, look!

It's a balloon that looks like a condom.

[Lorna] I don't wanna be
crass about it, but...

everyone knows
I'm your best daughter.

But I... will massage your feet
every day for a week with my hands.

This is an open lottery, ladies.

I don't play favorites,
I don't take bribes.

Put your names on the list,
and good luck to you.

They're the ones
who gave her the ticket out.

What did they think
she was gonna do?

I just can't believe she sat
in that bus station like a flat balloon.

I guess she lost faith.

Either that or there's some kind of flaw

in our randomly improvised
Norma-based theological system.

That attitude is not gonna help us
get seats at this dinner.

I heard the zucchini night was incredible.

Girl, I was there.

She did this fried thing with the flowers
that made tears come out of my eyes.

Wait, if you went to the last one,

you should let someone else
have a chance.

Past is the past.

Today is a new day,

and we're all equal
in Red's magic restaurant.

Not to brag,
but if you make it in,

you will feel things about corn
you have never felt before.

- [Anita chuckles]
- Good luck, ladies.

For the record, I'm an excellent
conversationalist on at least...

four topics.

Oh...

You look kind of busted.

Busted or broken-up-with?

Wow, sorry.

But not that sorry.
It's kind of a relief, isn't it?

Maybe, I don't know.

I mean... she was acting so weird,
but it's still, I can't even... It's...

She broke up with me?

[chuckles] That's your ego talking.

I mean,
what am I supposed to do now?

It's like,
we still live in the same place.

It's not like I can just go take off,

and visit my slacker cousins
in California for a few weeks

while I lick my wounds
and stalk her on Facebook.

Stop being such a girl, Chapman.

Come with me to movie night.

You know, Alex and I may be
on a break right now,

and it's not like I...

It's not like I don't feel things.

I just don't...

I don't think I'm ready to
just jump into a whole new thing.

I think I'm gonna need
a little bit of time.

So, the assumption there is that
I'm some starving lesbian jackal

just waiting to pounce on the...
warm bones of your relationship.

- Well, f*ck you.
- No.

That's not...
I was just trying to...

Was just... I guess I was just
trying to be considerate or whatever.

Well, for your information,
the jackal does just fine.

Do you know where Berdie is?

I went to her office this morning
and she wasn't there.

She's suspended while
they investigate an incident.

For how long?

I... I have no idea.

I think maybe you... were right.

Which time?

When you...

said I should try medication.

I never really thought I'd do it,

but I don't wanna
feel like this anymore.

I'll give you another referral,

with a recommendation for antidepressants.

I really do think they'll help a lot.

Do you know what they'll give me?

MCC just subcontracted Medical
out to another corporation.

New doctors, new rules...

but... first steps.

I could tell Caputo, I guess.

He did march old p*rn
right out of here

when he found out what happened with him
and that Spanish girl, remember?

The one that looks like a goldfish.

Yeah, but Spanish girl
had a belly full of fetus.

That's why the marching happened.

I mean, short of that...
[scoffs] you're farting in the wind.

I know, but I'm telling the truth.

Yep, and Donuts, he's gonna lie.

Who do you think they'll believe?

I have a feeling
you're gonna say it ain't me.

We are liars and degenerates,

and we deserve everything
that happens to us.

So, I get f*cked
and now I'm screwed.

Yep, that's about the short of it.

But that don't make it over.

You hear me?

Hey!

You got a big, angry bull d*ke
on your side now.

And I am a firm believer
in good ol'-fashioned revenge.

You ain't thinking about k*lling him,
are you?

Nah, that sh*t's too messy.

Nope, I got a better idea.

We are gonna go full-on
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on this guy.

[scoffs] What's us getting tattoos
gonna teach him?

[laughing]

No.

See...

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,
it's Swedish.

It means,
"We're gonna r*pe him back."

Whoa, got it all lubed up
for you there, Rodcocker.

Aw, Jesus Christ already.

[Big Boo stifling laughter]

- I'm closed.
- [Reema] That's cool.

We just wanted to ask you a question.

Spanish been saying
how you still got your d*ck.

- That true?
- [Sophia sighs]

What you got between your legs
is your business,

- and what I got is mine.
- Maybe.

But my man is out at Lexington
and he's having a real hard time.

Hard.

Meanwhile, you hiding out in here,
"pretending" to be a female.

[Gabby] Seems like you got it
all figured out.

You have any idea
how ignorant you sound?

We just want a little peek.
Educate ourselves.

[scoffs]

Get the f*ck out of my house.

Not till we see it.

[Gabby] Get her! Get her!
[Sophia grunting]

[Reema] f*ck you, she-male!
[Sophia] f*ck!

[Gabby laughing]

[both grunting]

[Reema] Ow!

Damn, I told you
he still had his man strength!

Don't think I won't k*ll you,
you f*cking c**t!

[Gabby] That's it, bitch!
[Sophia grunting]

[Sophia] f*ck you, b*tches.

- Help me!
- I'll get Caputo.

I try to do the right thing,
and my own daughter hates me.

But at least your daughter
knows who you are.

Pepa ain't even
gonna remember me.

It ain't like you deserve it,
naming your daughter Pepa.

Hey! Yo, Push It
is me and Yadriel's song, a'ight?

Whatever, I'm sorry.

But I'm telling you, kids...
[scoffs]

All they do is break your balls,
morning to night.

And yet you had, like, 11 of them.

What else was I doing, right?

Plus, when they little,
they love you so much.

It's like having fans.

Who puke on you, but still.

[sighs]

Yeah, they think you're perfect.

No one else is ever gonna
feel that way about us, that's for sure.

That's the thing, isn't it?

You know,
I kept leaving these messages,

calling him an assh*le, saying,
"Oh, my baby girl needs her mama."

But... the truth is...
that she's fine.

Yadriel loves her.

His mother is a good person...
and she's gonna be okay.

I'm not freaking out
because she needs me.

I'm freaking out
because I need her.

[indistinct chattering]

Hi, can I get your name, please?

Diaz.

- I've got seven Diazes.
- Dayanara.

Okay, cool!
That's a pretty name.

- I wanna go home.
- [Stacy] I know.

It's weird being in a new place
with all new people, right?

But I promise by tomorrow,
you're gonna be settling right in.

You got a phone here,
if she needs me?

We have a policy of
no phone calls home for the first week.

It helps the campers get acclimated.

You're in Cabin Six!

Why don't I take you over
to meet your new bunk mates?

I can take her things.

So, this is it?

She's gonna have a great time.

I hate it here!

There are bugs on the ground!
You can't make me stay!

[Aleida] Remember how
we talked about this?

I wanna go home, Mommy, please!

Óyeme, you little brat.

You think I got nothing better to do
than take care of you?

This is my one-month vacation!

And I got things planned starting tonight.
Mommy's going out.

[whimpering] Mommy, no...

Can you... can you just go with her?
Just...

- Mommy!
- Daya, please!

I think you should go now.

Mommy! Mommy, come back! Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Hey.

Hi.

- You doing okay?
- Why wouldn't I be?

Don't be obtuse.
I'm not trying to be a d*ck.

- I'm fine.
- Seriously? That's how you're doing...

Hey, hey, you guys got a second?
It's about, um... you know...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that's more her deal now.

Oh, cool.
Look, I... I got a problem.

Did you get the stuff to Cal?

See you later, Chapman.

Everything went fine, okay?
I just...

I can't do this anymore, all right?

It's not worth it. I'm sorry.

"Generalized depression and anxiety,

low self-esteem
and feelings of isolation."

Mr. Healy says pills might work.

I think you're a candidate for Doxepin.

It might make you a little sleepy, but...

if you're asleep,
you won't eat compulsively

and get fat,
which is another side effect.

We wouldn't want that.

I'm gonna peek in your chart.
You had a physical, right?

When I first got here,
six months ago.

Yeah... I'm still moving in.

I've got D to G and P through R.

You're probably in the other room.
Give me a sec.

I don't need this right now, inmate.
I'm developing a f*cking ulcer.

None of this is my fault.

They jumped me. I was att*cked.

I know.

- You do?
- Yes.

I hear things.

How things have been going ugly for you
for a while now.

It's herd mentality.

The tide turns,
everybody wigs out.

People don't like
what they can't understand.

So, what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna have the guards
keep a closer eye on you.

They'll be ready if anything starts up.

So, basically,
you're putting me under surveillance?

Well, there's not much else I can do.

There's a lot you could do,
starting with f*ring CO Sikowitz.

Sikowitz is not the problem here.

The problem is she's a chipmunk in boots

who never got proper training
due to negligence.

[sobbing] I want her fired,

and I want crisis and
sensitivity training for all the guards.

Look...

Burset...

I sympathize, I really do.

But we have to be realistic
about our recourse here.

Ask my lawyer how realistic I am.

Your lawyer?
These guys have teams of lawyers.

Driving in Mercedes, expensing lunches...

and crushing cases like yours
under their Italian leather shoes.

I have no doubt.

But here's what I got.

A Post headline...

"She-Male Jail Fail.

Balls to the Wall
in tr*nny Prison Brawl."

That sh*t sells like hotcakes.

And everyone will be reading about it,
and everyone will be talking about it,

including the ladies of The View.

You think MCC wants
that kind of attention?

Jesus, Burset.

Why you do you have to
make everything so hard?

No offense, but f*ck you...

sir.

[sniffing] Oh, Jesus.

I think we need a plan B.

Are you pussying out on me right now?

Look, if being a p*ssy is
not wanting to eat rats in SHU, then...

[loudly] No one's going to SHU...

Louder.

Remember how I was
in the Puppy Program?

Well, see, I may have palmed
a doggie sedative,

or four,

that I have been keeping
as a treat for myself

in case I would like to fake a seizure,

go on a vacation to a hospital
and touch nurses.

Do you see, this is how much
I care about you, Doggett.

I am willing to
burn that dream on you.

Wait, are you saying that you want
to put the puppy night-night pill,

like, in his coffee?

[chuckling] Yeah,
he won't even see us coming.

[chuckles] Then what?

Then he wakes up
with a flashlight shoved up his ass.

Boo, how do you expect to fit
a flashlight up someone's ass

that hasn't had a warm up?

Okay, uh, something slippery?
Bar of soap?

Yeah, but bars of soap?
They're even wider.

- Think about it, they're like...
- Assuming his sh*t is tight.

I mean, you'd be surprised
what people get up to in their free time.

What?

How about...

How about a broom? A broomstick?

- Great.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nope, splinters.
He'll get splinters in his ass.

Doggett...

his comfort is not our f*cking concern.

- That's right.
- It's right.

- Yeah.
- You got me there.

I'm just a girl
trying to start a business,

get a tiny piece of
the American dream for myself.

Why does the universe hate me?

He's not quitting.

He's wised up.
He's playing you like a fiddle.

sh*t... you're right.

- He said it wasn't worth it.
- [Stella] Mmm.

He probably wants
more money like everyone else.

But he didn't...

Oh, my God.

- This is about the handjob.
- Oh, you gave him a handjob?

No, I may have promised...

I may have intimated that
there was a slight... possibility.

I mean, if he proved his value
to the organization.

Another mystery solved.

No.

If this is what he's angling for,
why didn't he just come out with it?

No pun intended.

He's a kid.
He's barely through puberty.

He's probably never even kissed a girl.

Oh, that is so sweet.
Well, it shouldn't take long.

Forty-five seconds and
he'll be sneezing right in your hand.

Oh!

What does Vause think of it?

Vause does not need
to know about this, capisce?

Suit yourself.
I don't get involved.

Mmm.

I feel like a molester.

Which is weird...

because I am clearly
also being exploited here.

Hmm...

sounds like you've got a dilemma.

[indistinct chatter]

Whoo! Man...

this farm-to-table thing is
for real, am I right?

Man, we're gonna be flossin'
for, like, a straight hour after this.

Yo, what happened to your new weave?
You were lookin' fresh.

Nah, I wasn't feelin' it.

Yeah, what she feeling is scared

that Sophia gonna
hulk out on her and sh*t.

- [both grumbling]
- [Taystee] Untrue.

Yo, I don't blame you.

sh*t's getting ugly
in the RuPaul Drag Race.

Yo, Sophia ain't a drag queen, yo.

She ain't walking around
in a costume.

I feel bad about it.

- This is why I do my own hair.
- Wait, that's hair?

This whole time I thought you was wearin'
Mickey Mouse ears!

- [all laughing]
- You...

[gasps] Oh, tell me
what's happening here.

Mmm, at the moment,
we enjoying some corn.

- [Janae] Mmm-hmm.
- Corn that doesn't belong to you.

Uh-huh, 'cause it came from
the garden, you see what I'm sayin',

which is on community prison property
that we all share.

So, really, it do belong to us.

You lazy shakhtor thief!

[Janae] sh*t...
[Red] You did nothing for this.

Other people planted it, watered it,
raked the weeds.

Yeah, well,
guess who else got experience

growin' sh*t for other people to eat
and gettin' none of it?

- I know!
- [Black Cindy] Watson?

Is it our ancestors?

- Ohhh, correct!
- [Janae] Whoo-hoo!

And now, we takin' back
a little thing called... reparations.

You sure you want to
get into the ring with me?

- Oh, okay!
- [Janae] What if she do?

[Taystee] All right, everybody jump back,
jump back.

You think I won't pound
that spiky redhead?

Yo, I said, jump back!

What the f*ck?

Now, this is not how
you handle your sh*t with Red.

- Man, f*ck her!
- Okay?

And you got to stop using sl*very

every time you wanna
justify some foolishness!

I'm just using it as a placeholder
till I become Jewish

and I can pin it on h*tler.

Crazy, man.

Listen up, all right?

We are not getting into it
with the white girls.

We had enough of that with Vee!

[Black Cindy sighs]
[Taystee sighs]

I apologize.

You know what I can't do
with an apology, Jefferson?

I can't roast it with
creamer and chili powder

and serve it to the people who are
coming to my dinner tomorrow night.

What else you got?

Parsley...
and I got some onions,

and I got a pantry full of Saltines.

Okay, okay, um...

But nobody will care...
when you introduce your new sommelier.

Ah! [speaking mock French]

This is ridiculous.

Man, it could be classy.

Look, I know a hooch specialist

who's got a little extra
that she needs to unload.

Wait, you clownin' on me, right?
This her fault!

I know, but she has fewer
marketable skills, all right?

I'm so sorry, Red.

We just been eatin' crap for so long

that when we ran into the corn, we just...

lost our minds a little bit.

She can wash dishes for me.
You and Watson, too.

I want the kitchen spotless tonight,

- and I want you to do the clean-up after.
- Fine.

- Aw, man, that's some bullshit...
- Shut up, Cindy.

- And I'll take that hooch.
- [Taystee] Good.

And no one touches my garden again.

Obviously.

[Cal] Forty-two pairs of
beautiful, sweaty panties,

painstakingly crafted over days at a time,

and they don't even
make a dent in the orders.

- [Neri sighs]
- [machine whirring]

I feel like we're standing
in front of a Vegas buffet of money

and we're only allowed to take, like,
a plate of fries at a time.

Maybe we can jack up the prices again?

I mean, this is premium
artisanal sh*t, right?

The Spanish charge $400 for a ham
and nobody blinks an eye.

Well, that's because they feed those pigs
only acorns or olives or whatever.

Wait, this is genius.

What if the panties were flavored?

Like, this girl only ate strawberries
for a week.

Hmm, I think that might go against
the whole authentic prison vibe.

They're dirty, dirty felons,
not Kobe beef.

I know. Damn it.

[Neri] Maybe we go the other way.

Like, who makes more money,
Bloomingdales or Walmart?

We crank 'em out fast and cheap,
flood the market.

And where do we get
these cheap and fast girls,

other than every single
friend of yours? No.

We are not getting into bed
with your friends,

because they are horrible people,

and they can't keep their traps shut
for five g*dd*mn minutes at a time.

And they're not in prison...

yet.

- But... [whines]
- No.

This is Piper's very illegal business.

We can't go bringing
people into it willy-nilly.

Well, what Piper doesn't know
won't hurt her.

Oh, my God, listen to yourself.

Thug life is already making you cold.

[machine whirring]

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[Maritza] That was a rough one.

Hey, you want me to do your hair
or something?

It's just all flat and sweaty.

I'll make you look real pretty
for the baby.

- You're not helping, Ramos!
- Sorry.

Oh, f*ck!

How you doing?

- Can I talk at least?
- Fine.

[whimpering]

I know you feel like I only look out
for myself, and maybe I do.

That's how I know to do life.

But I want you to know,
this baby...

it wasn't about the money.

[groaning]

Okay, it was about the money.

But also, I...
I was trying to help you.

You know what would've helped?

Some f*cking support.

Did you ask me how I feel,
what I want, huh?

How you feel is what ruins it.

I loved you.

I wanted you around me.

And now here you are,
doing the same stupid sh*t I did.

[whimpering]

[Aleida] I tried, you know?

But it was for nothing.

You turned out just like me.

I made kids,
and then I f*cked them up.

I'm a terrible mother.

And I never want you
to feel how I feel.

I don't believe you.

This kid was never...
was never nothing but a paycheck to you.

I swallowed your bullshit
for the last f*cking time.

[groaning] My hips are coming apart.

Think about floating in the ocean.
[exhaling]

f*ck off, Maritza!

f*ck!

What?

What? Is this normal?

That does not seem normal.

Somebody help! She's bleeding!

[Dayanara groaning]

f*ck. Call an ambulance!

- [Gloria] Okay, come on, mija.
- Thank you, Gloria.

Gloria's coming with me, right?

[kids chattering]

Dayanara, Mommy's here.

Just a minute!

I said, Mommy's here.
Ain't you glad to see me?

- Bye.
- [girls] Bye.

[straining]

Come on,
let's go get your stuff.

Who did your hair?

Stacy. She did it just like hers!

Oh.

Did you have a good time?

It's so fun!

I made three best friends
and six regular friends,

and I learned how to swim like a frog!

That's great, baby.

And Jordache says that I can sleep over
at her house whenever I want!

Jordache? Someone named
their kid after pants?

Come on, I have to show you
arts and crafts.

Okay, okay.

Stacy, my mom came!

- Hey, Mrs. Diaz!
- It's "Ms."

Oh, sure.

Well, I have to tell you,
Daya's had an amazing month.

At first, she was pretty shy,
but then she just blossomed.

- Can I come back next year?
- We can talk about it.

Oh, and check out some of her artwork.

Tell your mom what
you're thinking about

for your career goal
for when you're a grown-up?

Mommy, I wanna be an artist.

That and a token
will get you on the subway.

That's really great, baby.
Really great.

We gotta go now.

Jazmina needs her car back

so she could sell the radios
out of the trunk.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you, too.

[groaning]

[indistinct walkie chatter]

[whispers] You're not supposed
to be in here.

We're not supposed to do
a lot of things, but...

business is business, right?

Is this about earlier?

Look, this may be weird for you.

I get it.

But when I make a vaguely-worded,
insinuated promise...

I do my best to keep it.

Especially if I...
basically have no other choice.

No, no, no, no, no.
I... I don't want anything from you.

The whole thing has just been
stressing me out, okay?

I don't like breaking the rules.
I get sweaty all the time.

I had to take a beta blocker.
It's not worth it for me.

- Oh...
- Chapman, don't.

No way this kid gets a handjob off you.

[Piper] Right, well,
actually it turns out...

Listen, you quivering,
Michael Cera-looking sack of squid bits.

You think an opportunity like this
comes along every day?

What? No, no.
I don't care about the money.

f*ck no,
you don't care about the money.

What you care about is that
you're illegally smuggling

women's panties out of a women's prison.

A story that is gonna get you
free beer at any bar you choose

for the rest of your pathetic
anti-climax of a life.

This caper is the most interesting
g*dd*mn thing that's ever happened to you.

[sighs]

Okay.

Okay, good.

- Come on.
- Hey, wait...

I was gonna get a handjob out of this?

Think you can slide in
a few good words for me?

In between the widows
and orphans or whatever.

Nothing like dark days to bring a person
running back to the church.

[sighs]
I was never in the church.

Well, you sure were interested when you
were having problems, then...

things got better and... poof.

No offense...
but I was jumped in my salon yesterday.

I don't have a lot left over
for your hurt feelings.

I was minding my own business.

[sighs] I'm here...

because I realized
you might be my only friend.

[sighs deeply]
I'm sorry, Sophia.

Everybody acts cool
most of the time, you know?

"Oh, Sophia, hit me with the gossip."

"What do you think about bangs, Sophia?"

You start to feel like one of the girls.

But then something turns...
and you realize...

you're still a freak
and you'll never be one of them.

Jesus said, "But I say to you,
love your enemies and..."

[inhales deeply]

"Pray for those who persecute you."

Nothin' about disemboweling your enemies
with a hot curling iron?

[chuckles] You'd think, right?

Especially since he had it
pretty rough there at the end.

But he went quietly.

He should've kicked a few nutsacks
inside out while he had the chance.

[chuckling] Oh, I don't know.

[sighs]

Assuming you're b*at,
at least for the moment,

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction
of watching you unravel.

Also, as a former protest junkie...

when you go ape-sh*t,
it gives them a reason to fight you.

I like to get real quiet
and look them in the face, like...

"I'll remember you later."

Freaks them out.
They go bonkers.

That's all you got?

[sighs]

So now she's accusing us of skimping
on training for the new guards,

which, let's be honest,
isn't exactly untrue.

[scoffing] You're saying
she's threatening us?

What do you want me to do, Dad?

What we did in Arizona.

Some time alone.
Let her clear her head.

She hasn't done anything wrong.

Well, of course not, but we can't
weed out all the bullies.

It's for her own protection.

What about when she gets out?

I mean, what do you think happens then?
Think about the long term.

Nobody cares about the long term, Danny.

Look, a year from now,

Huey Strath will be CEO of CCA

or f*cking Best Western
or some other company.

All the top guys get traded around like
baseball cards, you know that.

The important thing is that
we nail this quarter and the next one

and let everyone collect their bonuses.

I'm so grossed out right now.

This isn't who we are.

Spare me the speech, please.

We do what we do or someone else does.
It's not personal.

Is that what Mom would say?

What do you think of this one, Ma?

[Jack] sh*t.

- Fine.
- Really?

Go back to Utica.

We'll meet tomorrow, talk to the board...
go over our options.

Thank you.

Thanks, Dad.

[Red] Ha!

Guess the floors are mopping
themselves now, huh?

Red, check this.

You got a fairy godmother
we don't know about? [scoffs]

Abracadabra.

[Caputo] I sent the cards
off yesterday, priority.

And once they get them,

they'll send a rep down
and we'll elect our union leaders.

[O'Neill] I feel like the leaders
are pretty obvious.

Do you?

Yeah, people who've been there
since the beginning, you know?

People who started the whole thing.

The ones who made the reservation
at the bar for the first meeting.

Red-blooded, hard-working, solid people.

I don't know, O'Neill.

Look, I'm obviously one of the leaders.

It means we got the white guy
demographic covered.

We gotta be sure to include a spectrum.

A spectrum.
So, you're talking about Maxwell?

Sir, she's got the leadership qualities
of a g*dd*mn dish sponge.

Or Ford.

Do not be taken in by the fact
that he's a total hunk, sir.

Ford knits in his spare time,
like a grandma.

That's not relevant.
The relevant thing is that he's black!

Black people get everything.
I gotta piss.

Now?

We just passed the piss rock.

It's where we pee when we gotta pee
when we're walking the perimeter.

It's like... a Pavlovian thing now.

I wouldn't have thought
Ford was your type.

He's not my type.

He's just a beautiful man.
It's empirical.

Holy...

- O'Neill, get over here.
- I'm indisposed.

There's a f*cking...
chicken over here.

[O'Neill] The chicken is a myth.
Nice try, sir.

I'm serious. It's real!

It's got a beak and feathers!

It's pecking,
it's pecking in the grass, it...

Okay, show me.

Went in the bushes.

We know you've been
under a lot of stress recently,

- but the chicken is not a real thing...
- Shut up, O'Neill.

[sighs]

Look at this.

I feel like we're in Narnia.

[clears throat]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, yes, yes, I accept.

Dayanara? It's funny, I was...
I was just putting diapers away.

- Are you okay?
- It's her mother.

Oh.

Mrs. Diaz, how's she doing?

Not so good.

The baby came this morning.

He had the cord wrapped around his neck.

So, so, it's a boy?

Yeah.

He d*ed.

Oh, my God.

I wanted to tell you,
one grandma to another.

Who was her doctor?

I don't know anything about...
prison medical standards, but...

It wasn't anyone's fault.

It was just one of those things,
you know?

Can I see her?

Sure, sure.

But not right away.
It's gonna take her a while.

Sure, I understand.

I'll write to her.

Christ.

I'm so sorry.

I'm... I'm so sorry, too.

It smells funny in here.

Put your suitcase away.

That's my art.

There's a lot.

We have enough clutter around here.

But I made it.

Only 'cause they told you to.

But now you can make new stuff,
your own stuff.

I missed you so much.

- Did you miss me?
- Yes.

Maybe that camp was a mistake, huh?

Maybe it was too hard for you
to be without your mommy for so long.

It was kind of boring anyway.

I knew you'd be bored.

You love your Judge Judy,
don't you?

And we had to sing
those dumb songs before dinner.

You liked Stacy, though.

Whatever, she had this stupid crush
on one of the boy counselors.

It was kind of desperate.

b*tches be like that.
Don't matter where they're from.

Yeah, b*tches.

So, you really wanna be an artist?

Nah, I wanna be a mom.

[baby cooing]

Here you go, there, little pretty girl.

- Do you wanna see her?
- Yeah.

Here you go. Here.

Baby. Hi, little baby.

[shushing]

I love you. You know that?

I love you.

My job is so weird.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

It's like you're Madame Curie, but stupid.

It's a chemical composition.

We cr*ck it,
we can churn out more product.

Without involving anyone else.
We add to Piper's profit margin!

It's not ethical.

We're selling crusty jail panties
to perverts.

Yeah, but we have our integrity.

We gotta get out of Carol's house, dude.

My soul is dying.

Oh, come on, it's not so bad.

Cal, the doilies!

Touché.

- [sighs]
- Look, this is never gonna work.

The tuna thing is a dead giveaway.
Give me this.

Yeah, it's just all fish.
There's no nuance.

Well, sure.

You should know.
[chuckles] I mean...

you do know what a vag*na smells like.

Right, sweetie?

Obviously, I do.

Obviously.

Oh, my God.

Please don't think less of me.

You went to Vassar!
You lived in campus housing!

It was dark times.
Our nation was at w*r!

Whoa, okay, I never thought
I would say this...

but this is not d*ck Cheney's fault.

So, are none of your stories true?
[stutters] The repressed Pakistani girl?

The three-way with Georgia Pellegrini?

I wanted you to think I was cool.

[whimpers]

[sighs] Okay.

First... we gotta get some miso.

To lay down a nice umami base note.
Then we can go from there.

[squeals]

- I'm heartbroken.
- I know. I'm sorry.

I loved that Georgia Pellegrini
three-way story.

I'm sorry.

[classical music playing on radio]

- I hope everyone has enjoyed the soup.
- [all moan]

[Anita] Bravo!
[Lorna] Oh, my God, yes.

Thank you.

Now, this, uh, might sound
a little corny, but...

ears to you.

[all] Aw... [Lorna] Huh?

- [all laughing]
- [inmate] Yeah, bravo!

One more pun, and it goes away.

It's truly amazing, Red.

Thank you.

[Anita] Whoo!

I kind of want to take off
all my clothes.

[Anita laughing]

Yippee!

I heard you called it off with Chapman.

Yeah, I don't know what it means.
[chuckles]

You ever have a thing with someone that...

never seems to really be over,
even when it is?

Rumi says, "Lovers never meet."

They're in each other all along."

Yeah, it's kind of like that,
only with dr*gs and backstabbing.

Oh, garçon!

[all laughing]

Corn and leek quiche
with a fried sage garnish.

I love everybody.

[all laughing]

Oh.

[Red] Eat up, Chang.

- This is so good!
- [Anita] Salud!

Mmm!

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

Keep walking.

[sighs]

[Black Cindy] You so gangsta.

[sighs sharply]

Man.

What are you gettin'
all blinky about now?

It's Chapter Nine of the Time Hump saga.

I thought you quit that rag.

That's the thing.
I didn't write it.

I found it in the bathroom.

They go through a wormhole
and when they come out,

they meet sexy vampires.

Vampires are derivative.

Look, if b*tches is copying you,

it's because they like what you did.

They didn't want it to end,
so they made it their own sh*t.

It's called fan fiction.

Kind of like the New Testament,
am I right?

You don't wanna go be
throwin' shade at other folks' religion.

They get bacon and Christmas,
I think they can handle it.

I'm offended.

[scoffs] What is this? 1936?

Don't make me come back there,
Cindy, I swear to God!

- Fan fiction is cheapening my legacy!
- Just breathe.

Yo, Jefferson.

This is the third day this week
I caught your girl Watson

washing her sweaty socks
out in the bathroom sink.

It ain't f*cking civilized.

Why are you telling me about it?
Work it out with her.

You think I haven't tried?

[scoffs] It's not the being told
to f*ck myself I mind so much...

it's more the poking.

And I'd like to avoid fighting her,
because I'm not sure I'd win.

But I'm not sure I'd lose, either.

I still don't see how this is my problem.

Hold up...

am I the mom?

Oh, my God.

I'm the mom?

My moms moved to Tucson
with her boyfriend,

so I got my cousin Jazmina
to go to the hospital.

She's next of kin.

She can hand the baby over to Cesar.

Dayanara's gonna k*ll you.

I talked her into the whole thing, right?

At least now I got
nothing on my conscious.

You really think that man can
handle another one?

It's like the Muppet Babies
up in his house.

He'll just slide another girl on his d*ck,
make her help out.

- What, like he ain't f*ckin' other people?
- [Gloria laughs]

We all know what happens out there.
He gotta do what he gotta do.

Man, you ever feel like, you know,
maybe one time in my life,

the sh*t I gotta do could be
the sh*t that makes me happy?

No, 'cause I ain't a greedy f*ck like you.

[laughs]

I'll tell you what, though.

I'm an abuela now.

Mmm.

At least now,
I got a chance to do somethin' right.

[chuckles]

Or maybe do it a little less shitty.

[Gloria laughs]

[groaning]

[Big Boo] Oh, God, he's a heavy fucker.
Easy.

- Come on.
- [both grunting]

[panting]

Okay, go ahead.

No, no, no, after you.

Please... go.

Get in there.

This was your big Swedish idea.

But you're the victim.

[Pennsatucky sighs]

Look, you get the ball rolling, okay?
It's not like I've ever done this before.

And I have?

Well, it definitely seemed like you had.

You know, I've done some
deeply questionable sh*t in my life,

but the foreign-object-ass-r*pe
of an unconscious man?

Still not crossed off my list.

Boo, this is f*cking creepy,
and you know it, right?

Yeah, of course, but...

[sighs]

Yeah, but I thought you'd wanna do it.

This is my gift to you.

It'll help you to work out
that rage and that anger.

You know, hmm?

[sighs]

I don't have rage.
[laughs meekly]

I'm just sad.

[movie playing]

You know... the thing is...

I don't think I'm very good
at being on my own.

Neither am I.

I really like you.

I was thinking maybe we could be...

partners.

You know, like, in the business.
Like business partners.

Oh, my God, you don't even...

You don't even...
I shouldn't have said anything.

No, it's not that.

I'm getting out, Piper...

on Tuesday.

You're getting... You're... Oh!

Oh...

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, sh*t.

Burset, you're coming with us.

What the hell?

Let's go, honey.

You gotta tell me
what's going on.

You're going to the SHU.

For what?

For your own protection.

[Ford] Caputo got a call.

[whispering] You must have
pissed off a pretty big dog.

[scoffs]

This is bullshit, you both know it.

- Let's just get this over with.
- Don't touch me.

Inmate.

[exhales]

Let's go, then.

[blues song playing]

[buzzer sounds]