01x09 - I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

[TELEVISION CLICKS ON]

[ANNOUNCER]

The following is a paid advertisement from Guy Bilzerian.

It is not approved by the New York Bar Association.

I'm Guy Bilzerian, attorney at law and family man.

But I will happily abandon my family to get you the divorce settlement you deserve.

You might know me from my bench ads, my three delinquent sons, or my twice-institutionalized wife.

But I want you to know me as your first line of defense against bitch ex-wives and assh*le ex-husbands, 'cause I play both sides of the coin.

It's the law, not magic, and anyone who does magic is a disappointment to his father.

Call me today, because marriage is a sham and love dies.

Let's bury the body together.

- Jay, keep rolling.

- [JAY]

Dad oh, sh*t! We know you threw a party while we were at your father's cardiology conference.

We have half a mind not to give you these T-shirts.

It was just a few people.

Jud, Leah, you're grounded for three weeks.

- Three weeks? That's ridiculous.

- Make it four.

I'm writing my manifesto.

- What a work ethic on this kid.

- Wait, do I not get punished? Aww.

Nicky, you're my sweet little pumpkin.

- You're not responsible.

- Mom, I'm not a pumpkin.

- Well, you're my baby - I'm not a baby.

Besides, you can't be grounded.

You need to dance with me at Jessi's bat mitzvah.

And save a dance for me, too.

Did you know that if you raise the roof, when they do that, then you can lower your arms and it's hugging arms.

[GROANS]

Kids, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we've all discussed it, and the parents agree that neither of you are ready to be in a relationship.

- What? - But we are ready! We just won't lie to you anymore.

And what about the mons pushing? - What the hell's a mons? - Oh, we don't need A mons push is a preamble to sexual intercourse.

- Mom! - Oh, God, our son is a deviant.

What'd you do to her, you pervert? Corrupting this little girl.

Look at her, she's a child.

But she's six months older than me.

Know what they do to pedophiles in the big house? - Okay - Shank 'em in the shower and turn their pee into wine.

That's what they do.

We just think the kids need to stop seeing each other.

- Missy, let's go.

- I'm sorry.

- Goodbye, Andrew.

- Goodbye, Missy.

No! Missy! Why don't you go outside, push that mons of yours against the lawnmower? - It's nighttime.

- Isn't that when you perverts go out? I finally agree to let your dumbass friends play Jessi's bat mitzvah - and they back out at the last minute? - Chill, Shannon.

You know what makes a woman not want to chill, Greg? Having a man tell her to chill.

I can't believe my mom.

She kisses some lady on the street, now she's being mean to Dad? That is f*cked up, but who is the lady? I don't know.

I never even thought about that.

The party is tomorrow! We all know that, everyone knows that! - Guys, stop yelling.

- Honey, we're not yelling.

[CHUCKLES]

We're discussing the logistics for the best day of your life.

Best day of your life? Hah! Your parents keep fighting, you got a big ol' pimple percolatin' on your forehead, and crooked Shannon forced you to buy that dress - that makes your torso look boxy.

- You don't like the dress? It doesn't work! It never worked! I hate my life, and I hate my dress! The dress looks great.

Just take a deep breath and relax.

You know what makes a person not want to relax, Shannon? - Nice turn.

- Shut up, Dad! Burn the house to the ground! Use the boxy dress as kindling.

It's so annoying.

She treats me like I'm a little kid.

You are a little kid.

I saw your d*ck, remember? [LAUGHS]

- You guys could be prosecuted for that.

- Where, in ghost court? Hey! Ghost Court, that's a good idea for a TV show! Nick, you got to contact my agent, Jew Fishman.

He'll work out the details.

- [LAUGHS]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, sweetie.

Just wanted to say good night.

Actually, I don't really feel comfortable kissing you on the lips anymore.

Is that okay? Okay, sure.

Yeah, of course.

Um, how about I just tuck you in, kiddo, okay, and I'll be on my way? You know, I actually think I got it.

Just gotta pull the blanket up a bit.

Okay, great, fantastic.

- So good night, Nicky.

- Nick.

I think I'd like you to call me Nick from now on.

Okay, Nick.

- Good night, Diane.

- Watch it.

[MUFFLED SOB]

What the hell did you just do to your mama? I'm setting some boundaries.

That woman loves you unconditionally.

When you were a baby, she made you personalized tittie cocktails.

Are you talking about breast feeding? Yecch! It's gross when you say it.

I'm getting older, and I don't want to be babied anymore.

I drank my mommy's boobie juice till I was 12 years old.

And no woman ever measured up To the love of my life My mommy Huge breasts! - [DOOR SHUTS]

- [SOBBING]

What's wrong, my love? I feel like Nicky just broke up with me.

He doesn't want me to tuck him in anymore, doesn't even want me to call him Nicky.

[SIGHS]

Diane, we have to let our baby bird leave the nest.

I know, but but when he's gone, there will be no more babies to take care of.

You can take care of me.

You want me to dress up like a baby? You're such a weird perv sometimes.

Aww, you remember our vows, Mommy.

[CRYING]

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, please, if you're so handicapped maybe you shouldn't be driving! [GROANS]

We are so square.

We look like a couple of Fig Newtons.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hey, Jess.

- Hey, Cantor Dina.

Wow! Really good vibes in this room.

Yes! FYI, we're gonna begin the journey in five minutes.

- Okay.

- Or as we say in the theater, - "Thank you, five.

" - Okay.

You have to say it back to me.

- Thank you, five? - Shalom.

- Found you! - [GROANS]

No.

Why? Listen, I know I'm not supposed to see the bat before the mitzvah, but ta-da oww! Jesus, f*ck! - [GROANS]

Please don't give me flowers.

- What? I can't help it.

I mean, look at you.

You're like a square, sexy box.

I just want to, like, take you to FedEx and fill you full of packing peanuts.

Stop! I hate this dress.

My stupid mother made me get it.

Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid.

They're always passing out drunk in the bath instead of signing your field trip permission slip.

Oh, Jay, that is real bleak.

Look, could we just cool it with the romantic gestures, okay? As you wish, my boxy Jewess.

Wha aah! Oh! - Andrew, what are you doing? - I missed you, Missy.

Yeah, I missed you, too.

Our parents are being crazy, right? You want to be with me, and I want to be with you.

What if we What if we dated in secret? Ohh.

You mean like Fatima and Gustavo? Yes, except, of course, I won't be a horse.

Yeah, but you're hung like one.

Reveal your meat.

Wowzie-wow, forbidden lovers? I can tell that I'm genuinely excited because my back is really sweaty.

- Oh.

Shall I dab it with my tallit? - [CHUCKLES]

Is that kosher? I don't know, but I feel like we're breaking all the rules today.

Ooh [MARTY]

Andrew, where are you? I'm done fighting over the handicapped spot.

- I'll find you later, Fatima.

- [MUFFLED SCREAM]

Sorry, a lot of feelings.

Ooh! We gather all together The mothers and the fathers Uh-huh.

Hey, that singing rabbi up there, does she look familiar? That's the cantor.

She just does the "music.

" - That's a whole job? - Exactly.

It's a scam! - Like soap.

Soap is lard.

- Marty, be quiet! Ooh, I spoke to Greg.

There will be no scallops at this bat mitzvah.

Thank goodness.

Last time, we had to throw away your suit.

And my shoes.

Don't forget my shoes.

They were like the spill tray.

Hey, does this church serve those, uh, wafers? - I didn't eat breakfast.

- Oh, you poor starving thing.

Let me see what I've got in my purse here.

- Aw, thanks, Mrs.

Birch.

- Here.

Call me Diane.

Okay, Mommy.

[SNARLING AND MUNCHING]

Psst! Hey, let's sneak off with Missy while your dad is scratching what appears to be a troll's foot.

- Hmm - [GASPS]

So I'm Cantor Dina Reznick, and I have had the distinct honor of being Jessi's guide.

I don't know what it is, but I do not like that woman.

And it's been a real simcha, right, Jess? She's the worst.

I hate how she "huchs" her words.

She should shut the fucch up.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I can't believe we're alone.

- We can do whatever we want.

Do you boys need a yarmulke? No, thank you, Mr.

Fishman.

Come on, it's too dangerous out here.

Come with me.

Yeah, I'll take a yarmulke, for my Jewish penis.

Thank you! I use it to cover my bald spot.

And now, for the first aliyah, I'd like to invite up Jessi's beautiful mother Shannon and her husband Greg.

[KISSING AND MOANING]

Oh, uh don't worry, I won't mons push you this time.

You can mons push me all you want.

[CHUCKLING]

- Look at her pawing at your mama.

- Seriously.

That's a very long hug.

[KISSING]

Andrew, isn't that your jazz hat? Huh.

[NICK]

That's Jessi's mom.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

It's her.

Jessi Jessi - Jessi.

- Huh? So it's time for you to read your Torah portion.

I I - I can't do it.

- Yes, you can.

You are a woman now, and this is what women do.

We suck up all the bullshit that the world dumps up on us and keep smiling through it all in our boxy-ass dresses! Amen.

Jessi, I loved it.

A few small thoughts You sang great.

The breath in here is it's terrible.

Jessi, mazel tov.

I have to tell you something.

That cantor lady, she She's the woman you saw kissing my mom, isn't she? Holy sh*t, she is! Oh, my God, I can't believe it! Barbara, I lost a sock in the pews again.

[AIRHORN SAMPLE BLARING]

DJ Pendejo coming at you! If you have any music requests, come talk to me.

Do not write them down.

And make sure I can see your lips because I am losing my hearing.

This is how you handled it, Greg? Give me a break.

He said he'd do it for free.

Oh, I don't get paid by the school either.

I'm what's known in the business world as, uh, a volunteer person.

Who the hell is Malala? She's just this girl who got sh*t in the face 'cause she read a book and now she's super famous.

- Lucky Malala.

- That's what they call her.

Diane, I got you a glass of Pinot gris with two ice cubes, - just the way you like it.

- Wow.

Thank you, Jay.

That is so sweet.

Jay, why are you bringing my mom drinks? Because she rocks.

Not that you care.

I watch how you treat her with all the cameras I hid all over your house.

- It's f*cked up, bro.

- Just stay away from her, okay? And for the last time, get rid of the cameras in my house.

Whatever, man.

At the end of the night, we'll see who's seeing who get tucked in.

- Please.

- He's right.

You don't appreciate your mama.

Do you boys need a yarmulke? Well, I'll be! It's Jew Fishman, my agent.

Jew, I want to pitch a show to Merv Griffin.

It's called Ghost Court.

I could be the judge.

- Do you boys need a yarmulke? - Jew's gone senile.

Jew, can you even remember the name of my first single? Do you boys need a yarmulke? Oh, good, he still remembers some things.

[CHUCKLES]

Scallops, sir? Scallops, what are you doing here? - Would you like one? - Oh.

That's a very complicated question.

Marty.

It's us, Marty.

- Have a taste.

- You know you love our texture.

Stop that, please, all of you.

I'm married, for chrissakes, and these are new shoes.

- Rockports - 9 1/2 - Extra wide.

- Ooh, that's right.

Enough to keep eight packs of Rolaids in.

You know me so well.

Hey, why don't you meet us at the dumpster after cocktail hour? - You won't regret it.

- Ohh All right, round up the Jews and make 'em walk in a line.

Choo-choo! Get on the train, Jews, it's time to dance! - [HAVA NAGILA PLAYING]

- You can't hide from the party police.

That's right.

I'm looking at you, Anne Frank table.

Why am I oddly offended we're not being rounded up as well? I'm just here for the open bar.

This is great.

Everyone thinks we're just holding hands when, really, we're holding hands.

- I never wanna let go of you.

- Never's a really long time.

- Not when I'm with you.

- Oh, I'm getting dizzy.

It's moving really fast, right? It's a magical night.

Don't you agree, Connie? Not now, Maury.

I've got my hands full.

Look at her, flaunting her indiscretions like a pair of diamond earrings.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm having so much fun! Oh.

That's nice, sweetie.

Everyone keeps saying how much we look alike.

Mom, stop it, you're embarrassing me.

Nicky, it's the horah.

Everybody's dancing.

- You can join us if you like.

- I don't want to dance.

Well, then you don't have to.

Come on, honey.

Spoiler alert: it's time to get Jessi on the chair for the Jewish push-'em-up.

Wait, wait, no, please don't.

Aah! Aaah! - Huh? - Open up, jellybean.

- Babe.

- Oh, come on.

Jessi, your parents are very much in love.

You'll just have to get used to that.

Aaah! Oh, babe, I was gonna watch a Sublime documentary tonight.

It's just one client dinner, two hours, and can you not ? You got it.

I'll just practice "Santeria" some other time, then.

- My dad was a lemon.

- My dad was a purple.

Actually, your dad is a lemon.

- Okay, Shannon.

- Okay, Greg.

- [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

- Put me down.

Please put me down! Mazel tov on your boxy dress! [GROANS]

Hey, come on, no one's in the photo booth.

[PANTING]

- I feel like I can't breathe.

- I know, me too.

No, really, I feel like maybe we should go back to the people.

I'm seeing sparkles, and my stomach is all swirly.

It it's so exciting.

I can already picture us getting married and having children and then they'll get married well, not to each other, to other people.

- Oh, life.

- Oh, Lordy.

The thing I'm trying to say is I I love you.

- What? - [DISTORTED]

I love you [CAMERA SHUTTER WHIRRING]

Sorry, got a little handsy with Jessi's bubbie on the dance floor.

She's ten pounds of dynamite in a five pound bag.

- What'd I miss? - I told her I loved her.

Jessi's bubbie? 'Cause get in line, Larry.

No, I told Missy I loved her.

- Why? - Because I do.

Who the f*ck cares? It's way too soon.

You might be right.

[SOBS]

She barfed.

You idiot! She's a delicate orchid who needs to be gently misted, and you unleashed a fire hose of Monster Energy drink on her.

Which is great for people but not for orchids.

Take it from this monster.

Are you trying to get sponsored by Monster Energy drink? - Stay focused, Andrew.

You f*cked up.

- I know that.

Monster Energy, brings out the monster in you.

Brings out the monster Uh Let me just try this one more time here.

Brings out the monster in you! Yeah, nailed it.

Get my agent.

Where's Jew Fishman? Mmm - What are you doing out here? - Nothing.

I'm doing nothing.

You know I love you, right, Barbara? Love me? Ugh! Marty, don't be weird.

[SIGHS]

J is for Jessi, the girl everyone loves.

E is for everyone, the people who love Jessi.

S is for slut.

It's what everyone says Jessi is.

- Lola! - What? [CHUCKLING]

She's rubbing our faces in it, just like she rubbed her face in Cantor Dina's - Okay, okay.

- What? I was gonna say mons pubis.

Mom, I need to talk to you.

- What's wrong, Jessi Bear? - Now.

- I know everything! - What? What do you mean? I know you're cheating on Daddy with Cantor Dina.

Okay, Jessi, let's just take a deep breath.

This whole time, you guys have been ? What are you? You're, like, a lesbian now? [STAMMERS]

I don't know.

I'm still figuring things out.

But what about you and Daddy? Your father and I have been struggling for a long time.

Do you even [SIGHS]

do you even love him anymore? I don't know.

[COUGHING]

Whoa.

That's heavy.

Now I can see the family's having a particularly tense moment, so it's the perfect time for a speech from Mom and Dad! - [CLEARS THROAT]

- [MIC FEEDBACK]

Jessi, you were so amazing today.

You really did Eleanor Roosevelt proud.

She did, didn't she? Shannon, can I see the mic for a second? - Greg, we agreed I would speak.

- Oh, we agreed on a lot of stuff.

- Gimme, gimme! Just gimme.

- [SOFT FEEDBACK SQUEAL]

- Don't worry, Daddy, I got two mics.

- Oh, Jesus.

Jesus? Not in this house of worship.

Am I right? Honestly, am I right? I I don't know the different ones.

[AIRHORN SAMPLE BLARING]

Jellybean, wow.

You've grown up so fast.

It's like one of those Internet videos where they take a picture every day.

A different picture every day, you show them together real fast, it looks like the guy, like, grows a beard right in front of you.

- Greg.

- I remember when we brought you home.

We were so happy.

But things are so different now.

I mean, not necessarily worse, but, uh What are we talking about? Yeah, they're worse.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Right, Shannon? You made it worse.

- Greg, please give me the mic.

- It's my turn to talk.

- Chill, Greg.

- Don't tell my dad to chill.

Yeah, shove it up your cantor ass, Cantor Dina.

Greg, that is uncalled for.

Can everyone please stop saying my name like that, - like like I'm some kind of maniac? - Then stop acting like one, Greg! [WOMAN]

Oh, boy.

[AIRHORN SAMPLE BLARING]

I may not know how to read, but I do know how to read a room Greg.

Now it's time to dance the Electric Slide.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Are we really gonna do the Electric Slide right now? I guess.

It is a bat mitzvah.

Love doesn't last forever It will die and break your heart And you can't have a sexual awakening Without tearing lives apart Take your mom for granted And you'll lose her in due time The only way to dull that pain Is get stoned out of your mind Whoo! Life is a f*cked up mess Life is a f*cked up mess Life is a f*cked up mess Oh, it's a shitshow Never share your feelings Or life will kick you in the face Sometimes everything moves so fast You throw up all over the place Children grow up and abandon you To die broken and alone Scallops take you to paradise But your assh*le will atone Whoo! - Life is a f*cked up mess - People are horrible Life is a f*cked up mess Oh, it's a shitshow - It's all just heartbreak and misery - Life is a f*cked up mess - Life is a f*cked up mess - No one is truly happy Life is a f*cked up mess And it doesn't get any better When you're dead [LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Go, talk to your mama, Nick.

- You only get one mother.

- Jew Fishman? The bad news is Jew passed away during the horah.

The good news is Ghost Court is back on! We're gonna get Duke points on the back end.

I'm happy for you guys.

I'm I'm gonna go talk to my mom.

Jay, I need a minute with my mom.

- Is this guy bothering you, Diane? - Not at all.

This guy's my son.

That's right, and she's my mom.

I'm really lucky to have her.

She's a good mom.

Take care of her, okay? Okay, Jay, just get lost.

Mom, will you please dance with me? - I would love to, Nick.

- You can call me Nicky.

- Okay, Nicky.

- All right, Diane.

Seriously, cut that sh*t out.

- What about me? - Come here, son.

- I'll be your mom.

- This is nice.

You're wrong, Jay.

It's dynamite.

- Ooh! - We knew you'd come.

Why don't you slip us inside you? Oh, my God! What am I doing? I'm an angrily married man.

- Marty.

- You know you want us.

Damn it! There comes a time in every man's life when he must choose between his wife and guaranteed a*t*matic diarrhea.

- It'll be our secret.

- No one has to know.

I would know, and so would my wife.

Because of the relentless fecal expl*si*n.

- [GRUNTS]

- [SOBBING]

Marty, what are you doing? What? You've never seen a hormone monster's Jewish penis eat dumpster scallops? Get a life.

Give me Malala! I will kick you in the p*ssy, you stupid sh*t.

At least I still have a p*ssy.

Maury, we need to talk.

Oh, sh*t.

This is bad.

- Hi, Andrew.

- Hi, Missy.

Listen, um, about what I said in the photo booth, let's just pretend it didn't happen.

Oh, but it did.

We need to face it.

Andrew, you're like sugar to me.

I like you, but every time I have you, I lose control, and I I hate to say it, but I end up regretting it.

- But, Missy - My parents were right.

We need to break up.

For real this time.

No, don't say that.

We can fix this.

- Connie, please? - I lost her, Maury.

For, at least, the next few years.

She came in hot, but b*rned out bright.

Missy, come on, I don't need to be sugar.

I can be raisins.

Oh, Andrew.

Raisins are chock-full of natural sugar.

I'm sorry, there's no way around it.

You're just too sweet for me.

With all due respect, Connie, this girl's a little f*cking c**t.

And me and the boy are gonna k*ll ourselves tonight.

Yeah, I get it.

You do you, Maury.

You gotta do you.

Well, Steve, you did it.

I really did, didn't I? You played the wrong music, constantly referenced the Holocaust, and you appear to have k*lled an old man.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Matthew.

That really means the world.

I truly envy your ability to bat away every one of my insults.

Right back at you, my dude.

[SIGHS]

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- That's not really gonna keep me warm.

Can't you let me do nice things? [GROANS]

God! - Today sucked.

- Your parents' speech was weird.

- I know.

You have no idea.

- I kinda do.

I'm pretty sure my dad cheats on my mom, like, all the time.

He makes me wait in the car while he does it.

Oh, Jay, I'm I'm sorry.

Eh, don't be.

Love dies.

Let's bury the body together.

Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.

Kiss him.

Kiss him hard on the mouth.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening again! Shut up and kiss me.

Now stick your pinkie in his little toffee-colored tushie.

Okay, I learned my lesson.

You just go at your own pace, bubbale.

- Good night, Nicky.

- Good night, Mom.

- Good night, Jay.

- Good night, Mr.

Birch.

I mean, Mom.

- Sour Patch Kid? - Sure.

- Hey, Dad, you're not a lemon.

- Thanks, jellybean.

You're my best little girl.

[SOBBING]

[CRYING]

- [HOWLS]

- Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.

It's worse than I thought.

- And I knew it was gonna end badly.

- [SNIFFLES]

- You did? - Of course.

You're such a f*cking dork! - I know.

- Aww, come here.

[BOTH SOBBING]

["I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" PLAYING]