02x01 - Am I Normal?

[bunniefuu]

[ALL GIGGLING]

Remember that time I tried to wash you, and you were just like wet for three days? - So wet.

- Sopping wet.

Yeah, and like, so moldy? - Um, jealous much, bitch? - What? God, I'm crushing on you so hard, Jay.

[SIGHS]

I never should've left.

- Huge mistake.

- [TIRES SCREECHING]

All right, y'all.

This is far north as I'm headin'.

Jay, let's go.

Jay, wait.

The truck driver - He uses me - Oh God! For sex? - For lumbar support.

- Huh? And he has truck driver farts.

And all he eats is Arby's and Ritalin.

Please, Jay, don't leave me.

Oh, sh*t.

Everybody wants me.

God, this is a real Sofa's Choice.

- Sophie's Choice.

- What? No, it's a sofa's Okay, this is insane.

I am a real person.

That is a pillow.

- Uh, you're right.

- Yeah.

Pam, I'm so sorry, - but I really like Jessi - I see.

And I need to see where this goes.

Well good luck, Jay.

I guess we'll always have that time in your mud room when your pit bull featuring Ludacris licked your toes - right as we climaxed together.

- That was intense.

What the f*ck am I doing? - Goodbye, Pam.

- Bye, Jay.

Scorpion, you take care of your mom out there.

[ENGINE REVS]

Hey, just to be clear, that time in the mud room, that was before we kissed.

- Don't worry about it.

- Since then, I've only been with you.

- And my bath mat.

- Oh, God! - You don't need to tell me this.

- You know? I should just read to you from my jerk off journal.

- No Jay! - January 8th, I woke up with a boner that could cut glass.

[JESSI]

Argh! Neither one of them is answering texts, and my mom says Jessi's parents are full-on freaking out.

It is weird that they're both missing.

- You don't think they're together, do you? - Jessi hates Jay.

You never heard of a little thing called hate f*cking? - What? - Like that show Moonlighting.

Cybill Shepherd, my college roommate, Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis went to college? It's a three-week program.

- So it's not college.

- No, it's called college.

Looks like your uniform's getting a little tight there, bud.

Ha! It must've shrunk in the dryer little.

Oh, you've blossomed, and your meat has become girthy.

And my uniform seems to have gotten bigger somehow? - Is that even possible? - You could wear it as a nightshirt.

[WHISTLING]

All right.

Here we go, team.

Big game today.

You guys are gonna hear a lot of trash-talk out there.

Moron, shitbag.

You, Coach Steve, we're talking to you.

Not the kids.

- You moron shitbag.

- What? Okay, that's the pep talk.

Let's go do basketball.

Andrew, I need you to gobble up those sports, big man, because boy, oh boy, you are a big man, you boy.

Am I really that big? Perhaps this will tell of your girth.

Ooh, tough one.

Well, it's a deeply humiliating start to the season as Bridgeton Middle is getting trounced by a team with two black kids.

- Ooh! No offense, Missy.

- Some taken, yeah.

- [GRUNTS]

- Damn it! When did everyone get so tall? When their glands released androgens and hormones, triggering puberty related growth spurts.

Or maybe they drank a ton of milk.

That's what I did, even though I'm violently lactose intolerant.

If I just smell milk, I puke diarrhea.

- Argh! - You're the man, Nick.

You're doing awesome.

- Are you blind? - I mostly just see shapes.

Andrew! Get in the paint! They're all sweaty and slimy to the touch.

Use your freakishly large body for some good! He's like Andre the Giant with none of the charisma.

- Yeah, throw some elbows, big man.

- Stop calling me big man! If you have a pair of binoculars, you may notice Nick Birch, a squirrel of a boy dribbling the ball across half court.

- [GRUNTS]

- [BUZZING]

Son-of-a-bitch! Hey, Nick, don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, we may have lost by 26, but nobody called me a name.

Hey! Coach Steve! You're a shitbag! [CHUCKLES]

Okay, I jinxed it.

That one's on me.

[RETCHING]

Did somebody bring a Go-Gurt in here? [GIGGLING]

[MAN]

And the Go-Gurt burglar strikes again.

So, she emptied her piggy-bank took some clothes and didn't come home last night? Sounds like a classic run away there, ma.

Any problems in the home life there here now, ma'am? Well, we are separating.

Because she cheated on me with a woman.

A woman who listens to me, and doesn't have to put on p*rn to have sex.

Father uses p*rn - not Brazzers.

- Brazzers got two Z's.

- Don't write that down.

- What's that have to do with our daughter? A lot of daughters end up on Brazzers.

- Jesus Christ.

- Oh, Jesus! [SOBS]

No tears.

It's a paid site.

Jesus Christ, Dumont, you gotta work on your bedside manner.

Folks, we're gonna find your dead daughter.

- [SOBBING]

- Question.

You got a pair of her panties for the cadaver dogs? Where is our girl? These pooches take a wiff of genitals, they'll find her faster than when it's Milk-Bone day.

- I sucked today.

- You did great, man.

I couldn't get a sh*t off.

I'm too small.

You smell great.

I said, I'm small, not growing.

Is there something wrong with me? No, man, you need to relax.

Maybe you should, you know - What? - You know What is that? Grind fresh peppers? No! Masturbate! - But, I like your instinct.

- Oh! I've never really done that before.

Go for it, Nick.

It'll be a hoot! You're so positive, man.

I respect that about you.

Okay, let's see.

[PUBIC HAIR 1]

Ouch! Nick, that doesn't feel right.

[PUBIC HAIR 2]

You trying to give your d*ck an Indian burn? It's not working.

- This doesn't feel good.

- Oh, you're doing great! Twist harder and faster, and flick your balls.

- Don't listen to him! - You're gonna break your d*ck, Nick! Now, pull your hands apart real fast, like you're opening a telescope.

- [PUBIC HAIR 1]

Don't you dare! - Everybody shut up! - [HAIR 1]

Nick! - [HAIR 2]

You're gonna cum blood! Shut up! Whatever is supposed to be happening isn't happening.

That was legendary, Nick.

And always remember, if it's numb, use your thumb.

Put my thumb in my urethra? [CHUCKLES]

What are you gonna do? Andrew, you've hardly touched your salami and eggs.

What's wrong? Are you worried about Jay and Jessi? Oh, please.

It's been 48 hours! We need to move on as a community.

What this one should be worried about is his ineffectiveness as a big man.

- What a waste of length.

- Enough of the big man stuff, okay? Well, you are big! I mean, look at you.

You're the size of an uncle.

I'm just trying to blend in and be normal.

Normal? You're a 12-year-old with a mustache.

- Marty! - Argh! Look at that thing! I can't eat.

Is nobody gonna eat their salami and eggs? - Barbara, we gotta fix him.

- Fix me? - I don't know about this, Marty.

- He's too young to have a mustache.

[BARBARA]

It just seems cruel.

- Whoa! What the hell are they doing? - They're waxing my lip.

- Jesus! - Help, Maury.

I'm gonna call a friend of mine to take care of this.

I'll hold his head, you rip the thing off.

- Bruce Willis, please.

- Mom, you don't have to do this.

He's in assh*le jail? I'm sorry, Andrew Then how was he in the last Expendables movie? Oh, they sh*t the whole movie in the jail? Right, 'cause they're all assholes.

Yeah, that makes sense.

- Do it! - [SCREAMS]

No! My boy.

Look how they massacred my boy.

Mom, why would you do that? [SOBBING]

Oh, my poor baby.

For some reason, now I'm starving.

- [MAN 1]

I'll k*ll you.

- [MAN 2]

Not if I k*ll you first.

[MAN 1]

Oh, you'll k*ll me? I'll k*ll you so hard.

Jay, this place is scary.

I can't believe I've been dealing Oxycotin with a liar.

Hey! Knock it off! You're freaking out my very serious girlfriend! - [MAN 1]

Sorry about that, sir.

- [MAN 2]

Sorry, sir.

Sorry I called you my girlfriend.

I don't know what it is.

I just, I want to protect the sh*t out of you.

No, it was okay.

I weirdly kind of don't mind the idea of being your girlfriend.

If that's still what you want.

- Yeah.

A real life girlfriend? - Yeah, I'm alive.

- Who's not a pillow? - I'm not a pillow.

- Or a bath mat? - Neither of those things.

- That's a good thing, right? - It should be.

[KISSES]

Oh, yeah, I'm 40.

Wait, what? You're 13.

No, you know, in my brain, for this, I'm 40.

- Okay, see, the thing is, like - I'm a grown man.

I'm 13, so, your fantasy about being 40 kind of makes this - No! - Like, super illegal and gross - No! - and I'm not interested in that.

I understand what you're saying, but you're consenting.

No, I could never give my consent to a 40-year-old man.

- That's the whole point.

- You're making a bigger deal out of this.

This is just like a Roman Polanski situation.

- Yeah, he's a r*pist.

He r*ped a child.

- No, but I didn't give you a lewd.

If you're 40, that makes you a pedophile.

What? No! I'm not a Goddamnit, Jessi! Why won't you let me be a 40-year-old magician with a white gold Rolex? Because you're not, you psycho! - I am not a psycho! - [DOOR OPENS]

- [MAN 2]

You sound like a psycho.

- I took that test, and it was negative! It's so smooth, like a dried dolphin.

Don't touch it, okay? I'm hideous.

I'm a big hairy beast.

Well, at least you can grow hair.

I'm like a Tic Tac with shoes.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Are we just a couple of freaks? No! You're the man! - Nick? - Yeah? Do you remember when that fish stick fell behind the fridge, and it was covered in hair and fungus, - and then we put a googly eye on it? - I do.

I'm quite certain that fish stick is behind you.

- You're the man.

- What the hell is that? And you're also the man too, as well.

- That's my hormone monster.

- That's your guy? Oh, no, Nick.

Maybe there is something wrong with you.

That's what I've been saying! I need help.

What about your guy? Maury? Maybe I can switch or something.

No, you don't want Maury.

- He's the worst.

- What was that now? - I thought we had fun together.

- Fun? My father waxed my lip because you made me so grotesque.

- I hate you.

- [RICK ]

Ouch.

Thanks, Rick.

I thought it was pretty harsh, too.

No, my horn unraveled.

[MUMBLING]

[BANG]

What are you gonna do? Ha-ha! Guy makes me laugh.

He's like Tracy Morgan.

I don't know if he knows he's being funny, but he's f*cking funny.

[SOBBING]

[CRYING]

What happened? We started kissing and he freaked out.

- The kid's a little weirdo.

- Yeah, he's nuts.

And you like him! Why you like a little weirdo? I don't know! What is wrong with me? You're gonna be one of those weak women who goes for bad guys with stupid brains and garbage dicks! Oh my God! I'm going to end up living in Tampa, Florida.

And you're gonna have dirty ass kids with juice stains around their mouths.

- I think maybe we should go home.

- What? And let your mom win? Never.

Let's just relax and take ourselves a nice hot bubble bath.

I can't.

There's a doll hand stuck in the drain.

- No! - Oh, God.

Let's get Chick-fil-A, and not tell anybody.

Jessi! I'm sorry I freaked out! I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm a mess! [WOMAN]

There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart.

Huh? Who said that? - I did, daddy.

- Why are you calling me daddy? 'Cause I'm dying to f*ck you, silly.

We're all dying to f*ck you.

We're motel pillows, sugar.

We're down for anything.

But I'm with Jessi.

But why? She's so difficult.

And she doesn't understand that you're 40 and a celebrated magician Who lives on the other end.

Where is he? And we're also way into group sex.

- Oh, I'm really not - I can just watch.

- Still, I don't think - Come on, f*ck my wife.

- Oh, boy.

- Yeah, f*ck me.

I'll just sit in the corner like a sad cuck and play with my little tag.

Look, man Maybe.

[DIANE]

Oh, sweetheart.

You don't need a doctor.

You're just a late bloomer.

Mom, I'm telling you, there's this like, disgusting thing inside of me.

Like an old poop that won't come out of your tushy? And I can't tell you about it because you'll think I'm crazy, but, Mom, something is not right.

Whatever you do, don't use the grapefruit spoon to scoop that poop out, 'cause you're cruising for a tushy bruising, baby.

[BELL RINGING]

- Hey Andrew.

- Oh, hi, Missy.

Holy smokes! What happened to your sweet little mustache you used to have? - My parents waxed it off.

- What? That's awful! I know I'm probably the last person you wanna hear this from, but, we need to love ourselves for who we are.

- Uh-huh.

- I'm in an online community, called "Girls are Perfect and There's Not a Thing Wrong with Any One of Them, and Anyone Who Would Tell You Otherwise is Actually Just Afraid of Your Power!" - All one name? - It's great.

We're all great.

Hey, is there something like that, but for pubescent boys? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it's called society, you privileged white cis hetero male.

- All right, bye.

- But, I'm not white.

I'm Jewish, which is worse to some people.

- It's cold in here.

Is anyone else cold? - Jesus.

What happened to you? I shaved in solidarity, brother.

Like cancer day or Mo-vember.

You grow a mustache for Mo-vember.

I got mine waxed off.

- Is there anything called Shave-uary? - No.

- What about Daylight Shavings Time? - What? You gotta shave an hour earlier, but, you get an extra hour of shaving at night.

- [GROANS]

- All right, let's see.

You're in the fourth percentile for height.

Oh, but, look at this, the 80th percentile for head size.

Head's too big in the body's too small.

- Doctor Engle.

- All right, let's take a look downstairs.

- Downstairs? - Your testicles.

And penis.

Pretty please, drop your pants.

Oh! Um Oh, fine, I'll turn around.

It's not like I haven't been washing your penis for years.

Okay.

I see a few pubic hairs.

Mazel tov.

Nick, tell him about when you tried to masturbate.

It felt like you were molesting yourself you tiny little pervert.

Dr.

Engle, I read something online about hormone therapy.

Oh, you read about it online.

Oh, wow.

That's great.

Hey, you know what? Maybe you should be the doctor.

Would you like that? Here, take my stethoscope.

- Why would No, I don't want - No, please.

I insist.

- You are the doctor.

- I'm not You can Google things on WebMD or whatever.

No, I'm just trying to understand what's going on with my body.

How about my diploma? Did you wanna move in with my wife? Easy there, Doctor Engle.

Look, maybe if you were 16, I'd consider medical intervention, but you'll likely catch up in a few years.

A few years? What, are you in a big hurry to sleep with my wife now? - What? - Is that what you're telling me? - No.

- Go ahead! Enjoy my wife! I hope you like somebody who spends literally thousands of dollars on flowers.

I don't know where she gets these flowers.

- Can I pull my pants up, please? - I don't know, Wendy.

Can you? - I think his wife's name is Wendy.

- No, that's my first name.

- Dr.

Wendy Engle.

- What? You, you're Wendy.

Dr.

Wendy Engle? What am I gonna do? - Hey, Nick! - Coach Steve? How about an awkward reaching fist bump, my dude? - What are you doing here? - I still go to the pediatrician.

I'm what's known in the medical community as a man baby.

- You're the man baby, Steve.

- Wait.

You're coach Steve hormone monster, too? But, he's a grown up.

No, bragsies, but you know, I'm special.

You're special, too, Nick.

- Very special.

- Oh, God.

You need to relax, if you know what I mean.

Put a little pepper on that salt, baby.

Oh my God.

This is a nightmare.

Yeah, but be careful.

Don't twist too hard, or salsa will come out.

Spoiler alert: It's extra spicy, so - Stop it! - What the hell? We don't have enough money for the check.

Why'd you order Hungarian meatballs? - It sounded funny.

- Argh! Hold on.

I might've some change in my bag.

- Hey, daddy.

- What is that? - Nothing.

- Is that a pillow from the motel? She's just a friend, Jessi.

Okay? - Really? - Suzette was in a really bad situation.

This sleazy couple was using her good looks to lure in top magicians to have orgies with them.

You are out of your f*cking mind.

I can't believe I ran away with you.

I can't believe I ran away with you.

- You're always judging me.

- Excuse me? Making me feel bad about myself.

- You are such a bitch! - What? [TRUCK HONKING, CRASHES]

Come on, baby.

Let's get the hell out here.

[EXHALES]

Jay, it's time to go home.

Yeah okay.

My folks are probably freaking out anyway.

Jay! Dinner! [BARKING]

Fat.

Fat.

[NICK]

I'm doomed.

I'm gonna end up a baby man, like Coach Steve.

Dude's a half wit.

He said the scale at the pediatrician's was the best video game he ever played.

- That was a good game.

- [GRUNTS]

I gotta take a leak.

No! - No! - My pube! - Ah, he fell out.

- Nick - Are you okay? - Don't leave me here.

Not like this.

Please? - Oh my God.

- Is he dying? - Blow me into the toilet.

- Craig, don't talk like that.

I don't want someone to come in here and be like, "Ew, loose pube.

" [CRYING]

- I don't want too lose you.

- Do it for me.

[BLOWING]

Goodbye.

I'm never gonna forget [TOILET FLUSHES]

Nick, you're supposed to be growing more pubic hair.

Not losing the ones you have! - What the hell is wrong with me? - You're going backwards.

Your hormone monster is in complete denial.

- I don't know what to do.

- We gotta get rid of him, and we gotta do it now before it's too damn late.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[SNORING]

- Look at him.

He's ratchet.

- I know.

Hey, you know what you should do? Take your pillow and smother him until he's dead! What? I can't k*ll my own hormone monster.

He's all I have.

[LAUGHING]

We'll get you a new one, buddy.

A better one! And you'll have a great big bushels of pubic hair and you'll be coming all day long.

That does sound nice, in theory, but - No, I can't.

- So, what? You're just gonna have a little toddler crotch? Is that what you want, you little crotch toddler? - No! - So then do it.

- [GRUNTS]

- [MUFFLED SHOUTING]

What are you doing, Nick? I'm sorry.

I have to.

Please, stop! He's leaking.

[PUBIC HAIR]

Shut the f*ck up, Nick! k*ll him.

Please! [PUBIC HAIR]

Think of everything he's done to you.

- I know, but - Please don't do this! Silence him forever! I can't.

I can't do it.

[GASPING]

Oh God.

What am I gonna do? f*ck you, man.

f*ck with me, I f*ck with you.

Nah, man, I love you, brother.

You're crazy, but I love you.

You know? I'm not going anywhere.

You know, ride and die, baby.

Marty, I'm feeling guilty about waxing Andrew's lip.

What? It's crazy.

That already happened.

We should've just let him be.

He's too developed for his age.

The kid's a freak! What kind of a man would say that about his own son? Maybe he's just not ready for his little boy to grow up.

Either that or he's a complete bunghole.

Can we go inside? I know the people can't see me, but I feel kind of exposed.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- Jessi! - Hey guys.

- Thank God.

Where were you? - We were so scared.

I know.

I'm really sorry.

- We're sorry.

- We need to do better.

We love you so much.

[KISSES]

- We promise we're going to work this out.

- Yes.

You guys are gonna get back together? - Well - Oh, honey.

No.

- No, no, no, no.

- One no is fine, Shannon.

I meant, we'll find our way through this.

All of us.

- You and me, and your dad - Cantor Dina.

Don't forget about her.

- And your father's pot dealer, Edgar.

- I never took a bath with Edgar.

No, you just buy dime bags from him.

Grams, Shannon.

You sound so old right now.

And Edgar's main business is window tinting, by the way.

Our point, Jessi - Jessi? - Where'd she go? Oh! Look at her.

I'm so glad she's home.

I know.

I thought for sure we were going to get a finger or a little shoe in the mail or something.

- Jesus, Greg! - What? I'm saying, like, I'm psyched.

Not psyched, but like, you know, relieved.

No, you know, what? I'm f*cking psyched.

[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

Hey-o! You can stop your crying.

Jay's back.

Well then who's been using the elliptical? Thin! I'll never be thin.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

It's hopeless, Duke.

- I'm gonna be a tiny loser forever.

- Enough of that! You're Nick Birch I know, but I'm so much shorter than Nick, small men do great things.

Napoleon.

David Miscavige.

Every one of the California Raisins.

They couldn't rely on their height.

- They had to rely on their cunning.

- Huh.

Kevin Hart is the shortest man in America, and he sells out football stadiums, where huge men play for two seasons and get brain damage.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

- Justice.

- Yeah, huge guys get brain damage.

That's what I'm saying, Nick.

- You should carry a g*n.

- What'd you say? You never feel bigger Than when you pull the trigger The first man you k*ll - It is quite a thrill - What? But from then on out it's all downhill Oh, m*rder, m*rder everybody [LAUGHS]

Have you ever m*rder*d anyone, dude? - Only Natalie Wood.

- I thought that was Christopher Walken.

[LAUGHS]

He helped.

I don't want to play today.

- We're just gonna get our asses kicked.

- I know.

Maybe we should just use our cunning? Cunning? We talking about eating p*ssy? Too bad you lost your womb broom.

- My womb broom? - Womb broom! Your mustache.

It's a little term I picked up in the marines.

- Semper Fi.

- Is that Captain Crunch? I'd follow that guy to the bottom of the ocean.

- What? - The point is, let's get out there and eat the other team's p*ssy.

- Yeah.

- Oorah! Well, Nick, I think we should just go out there, and if worse comes to worse, we'll perform oral sex on the other team's vaginas.

- What? - I don't know.

[WHISTLING]

Holy Stromboli, I can't believe we're only losing by one point.

So here's the plan: We stay huddled like this as best friends, and we share our innermost secrets - and also sandwiches.

- [BUZZING]

My first secret is that I love sandwiches! [MAN 1]

Fifteen seconds left.

Bridgeton down by one.

Nick Birch, mayor of Who-ville, - dribbles the ball up the court.

- Andrew! Get in the paint! You got a huge body! Use it for God's sake.

Dad, be quiet! You're not the coach.

Well, your coach is dry-heaving on the sideline.

[CHUCKLES]

I didn't know cottage cheese was dairy.

Be a big man, Andrew! Marty, stop shouting! You're embarrassing him.

Be an animal! I'm not an animal.

I am a flesh and blood child with feelings, sir.

With feelings! Andrew, get your head back in the game.

There's ten seconds left in the game.

I couldn't care less about - I'm so sorry I waxed your lip, Andrew! - And suddenly I'm interested.

Why is she saying this in front of everyone? - Your father made me do it.

- He had a mustache.

It was repulsive.

I couldn't eat.

The clock is running! Rage! f*cking rage! Climb into the stands and b*at his ass.

I'm gonna k*ll Let me through, please.

Sorry.

Let me f*cking through! Phallus in the palace.

Ron Artest for life! [DUKE]

Use your cunning! Huge guys get brain damage.

Kevin Hart is the shortest man in America! I m*rder*d Natalie Wood! Go, Nick! I'm gonna k*ll you, Dad! Make him eat his tits.

Are milkshakes dairy? [BUZZING]

[CHEERING]

Nick! Hey, Nick.

- Are you okay? - That was amazing! - Argh! Jessi! You're back.

- Hey.

I'm sorry I told you to make your dad eat his tits.

Don't apologize.

None of this is your fault.

My dad's the one that made me feel like a freak.

Andrew, can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, Dad? - Listen son, I've been thinking.

Maybe you should stop playing basketball.

You're bad at it! You're uncoordinated! You're embarrassing the family.

- [GROANS]

- Hey, decent sh*t, Nick-y.

Yeah, you really pulled a rabbit out of a hat on that one.

- Oh, it's Jay.

- Jay's back.

- Jay didn't die.

- You noticed I was gone? Yes! - Hey, the Fab Five! - Fab Five? Back together again for the first time only.

- Let's get a picture.

- Okay.

Everybody say - Please don't say it, Matthew.

- Cheese.

- [SHUTTER CLICKS]

- [RETCHING]

["IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY" PLAYING]