02x04 - Steve the Virgin

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTS]

Okay, the problem with your sink is that I have no idea how to fix it.

I mean look at this thing.

It's riddled with pipes.

We gotta figure it out, Coach Steve.

This is my designated toilet.

- I feel you, buddy.

- [WOMAN MOANS]

I just love watching you work, Steve.

Are you sure I can't get you a glass of wine? Oh, I'm good.

Thank you, Mrs.

Jay's Mom.

I always carry a thermos of almond palmer.

You know, half lemonade, half almond milk.

- Lukewarm.

- Yeah.

Ah! Feels like the drink is mad at me.

- [SIGHS]

You got some on your shirt.

- Oof, my goof.

Why don't you take it off and we'll get you all cleaned up.

[STEVE GRUNTS]

- Jay! - Yeah? Why don't you run to the store and get our friend Steve some fresh almond milk and lemonade? - Room temp.

- You got it.

- Mom? - Sure, you can call me Mom.

- Yes! Best day ever! - [DOOR CLOSES]

You know, my husband's on a business trip.

- Cool! - And Val and Curt are away at vape camp.

Awesome.

[CHUCKLES]

Steve, do you ever get lonely? Of course not.

I remain lonely.

It would be so nice if I had a man like you to keep me company when my husband was away.

Oh! Like a Gary.

A Gary? Yeah, Gary used to come over while my dad was away - do push-ups on my mom.

- [LAUGHS]

Sounds like Gary was having sex with your mother.

Whoa! Sex? I wonder if that has anything to do with those yogurt balloons I used to find on the floor next to her bed.

Steve, you are so funny.

How would you like to do push-ups on me sometime? [BABBLING]

Why does my pener have a heartbeat all of a sudden? 'Cause you wanna do sex with her, Steve.

This is your chance, baby.

Hmm! Why don't you think about it, darling? Holy Dave Grohl-y! Looks like this week I'm the one going through changes.

Do the song! I'm going through changes Oh, look at that bra! I'm going through change Drip drop! That's gonna make a stain.

I stubbed my toe.

Oh, yeah! Did you fast-forward through the credits? HAPPY NATIONAL PANTSING WEEK! - Oh, this is really bad.

- I know, right? There are fingerprint smudges all over your screen, - and the oil build-up.

- Andrew, I'm talking about my text with Gena.

I said that I liked her and she never responded.

- Yes, that's also very bad.

- Yes.

- Maybe she d*ed.

- Okay.

- Maybe she was m*rder*d.

- Andrew Oh, wait.

There's Gena.

She's alive.

Face the wall.

Hey, Andrew.

Oh, man.

I'm so sorry that I didn't get you a card.

A card? For what? For National Pants-ing Week, you butt-f*ck! National Pants-ing Week? Butt-f*ck? MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS WITH MATTHEW Yes, grab ahold of your waist bands, because it's National Pants-ing Week, mandated by President Tr*mp to toughen kids up while keeping things sexy.

- [PANTING]

- Lola, you clotheslined three other girls for the chance to be on camera.

What do you think of National Pants-sing Week? Oh, my God.

I hope nobody pants-es me.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, too bad you're not wearing over-alls, Jesse.

Your jeans are a Siren's call to any would-be pants-er.

If they try, I'll slit their f*cking throats.

- Ah! Okay.

- What are you doing after school? I took another $20 from my bitch mom's purse while she was sucking down a Chobani and I wanna go shopping.

You're stealing from your mom? Jesse, are you okay? I'm fine! Are you coming or not? I can't follow you down this dark path.

It's not for me.

But if you change your mind, I'll be at my capoeira class.

Capoeira? Are you serious? Happy National Pants-ing Whoa! I don't know.

Am I serious? - Thank you.

- [IN PORTUGUESE]

Obrigado.

- [BELL RINGS]

- Nick! I am obsessed with your shirt.

- You actually have good style.

- That's sort of a weird complement.

I used to have to literally dress DeVon.

- Not like literally.

- No, literally.

He's like an old man.

Like he's frail and has to sit down in the shower? You didn't hear that from me.

Anyway, I have huge news.

And it's not that DeVon is secretly an old man? You're so random.

So, Lola told me to tell you, to tell Andrew she likes him.

- Lola? Like Lola-Lola? - Yeah! - And I had this like, cryptic idea - Cryptic? - that the four of us could double.

- A double date? - So like Andrew and Lola - And you and me.

She likes you.

Slap her in the tit! Or maybe I should just go on a date with Devin and I don't know, forget about Gena? Who's Gena? The boy with the glasses? No, that's Andrew.

Okay.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

I'll tell Andrew.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

I gotta get outta here, man.

That's too bad.

You were such a big help.

You're literally so random.

[COACH STEVE]

Do-do-bah-do-do-do.

This is my thinking song.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm getting too old for this sh*t.

Thank God you're here, Rick.

I don't know what to do-do-bah-do-do-do.

On the one hand, Mrs.

Jay's Mom is married, but on the other hand, she makes regular eye contact with me.

So, you know, yin-yang.

No woman has ever wanted to do sex with you before.

- You should go for it.

- I don't know.

It feels wrong.

So did k*lling and eating that squirrel, but - But it was awesome.

- Yeah! Jay's Mom is a squirrel.

As always, you're spot on, my dude.

I should probably talk to Jay.

And I should probably talk to Coach Steve.

Hey, man.

I need to talk to you.

Why? What's going on, my dude? This sounds serious.

- [BELL RINGS]

- Andrew, funny question.

- What do you think of Lola? - Huh? I've always been impressed by the sheer number of teachers she's made just cry.

She bent the rim in gym class.

What if I told you that Lola likes you? Like, like-likes me? Yeah, like-like, she like, like-like likes you.

Wow, I didn't know she was capable of positivity.

And by coincidence, Devin thought that the four of us should go on a double-date.

- So you go out with Devin? - Yes! - But I go out with Lola.

- Yes.

Survey says: Two dicks, down.

Sorry for the mixed metaphor.

Nick, I'm going to choose my words carefully, because you never know what's being recorded these days, but don't you think Lola and I are perhaps, - um not of the same station? - The same station? - Like, we're of different - Just say it.

She's gross.

You can do better than her.

Really? Can you do better? I'd like to think so.

- Yes, perhaps you're right.

- Yeah.

After all, you are the most handsome boy in your entire class.

No, that is a sweatshirt my aunt bought me.

I have never said that out loud.

And all the girls, they absolutely swoon when you brought that doctor's note to get out of running the mile.

- He's got plantar fasciitis.

- Plantar fasciitis! Exactly! And that's why he gets to be so choosy.

You're saying beggars can't be choosers? I didn't say that, you did.

But I wholeheartedly agree.

You're a filthy little beggar.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

So it would just be one date, right? Yeah, come on.

You'd be doing me a solid.

Okay.

Yeah, the boys, a double date.

We'll sit on a bench and we'll hold their purses.

- Okay.

- 'Cause they're in the bathroom.

We don't go to the bathroom though, 'cause we're men.

- Sure.

- And we hold in our feelings, and we hold in our urine and it hurts.

- Do you need to go to the bathroom? - I have to go, so bad.

It hurts in my feet.

Oh, Shannon.

What are you going to buy me today? Why not just take what we want and save that money for Bonnaroo tickets? Ha.

All right, you, m*therf*ckers! My girl's parents are going through a divorce, and she needs to act up.

So she's going to walk around this local ass pharmacy, take sh*t she's never going to use, and if any of you prescription filling carpal tunnel brace b*tches even looks at her, I swear to God I will paint the greeting card aisle with your guts! [g*n COCKS]

Let's go, sugar.

Oh, wow! Kids at the school are so stupid.

A lot of his coming still bursting with fruit flavor.

Oh, yeah, classic gum talk.

Jay, I need your advice on something.

Yeah, of course.

Okay, I have this friend, who is me, Coach Steve.

- I'm the friend.

- Okay And there's this woman.

Let's call her, I don't know, Jay's Mom.

- Because she's a woman who is your mom.

- Okay.

Anyway, Jay's Mom, who is your mom, wants to have sex with my friend, Coach Steve, - who's me.

- Oh, sh*t.

Anyway, how would you, Jay, feel if my friend, me, had sex with Jay's Mom, your mom? What the f*ck, Coach Steve? You want to have sex with my mom? Oh, no! You figured it out.

I guess you don't want your mom, Jay's Mom, - to cheat on Jay's dad, your dad.

- No! It's not that.

My dad fucks around all the time.

He says that when you've been married for more than at least a year, it's weird if you don't.

Oh, yeah.

No, I've seen this commercials.

I guess I'm pissed because you're kind of like my friend, and for some weird reason I don't want my friends to f*ck my mom.

Does that make me gay? No, I'm taking sex with Jay's Mom off the table, which is kind of a bummer, because I was really more than anything - looking forward to being your Gary.

- My Gary? You know, a Gary.

A nice man who comes to your house, makes your mommy happy, - and then hangs out with you.

- Hangs out and then what? Talks about how cool it was a blast my mom? No, a Gary plays catch with you and gives you illegal fireworks.

Wow, wait, really? Having a Gary actually sounds kind of nice.

You know what? Why don't you tell your friend that it's okay to have sex with Jay's Mom.

What are you talking about? You lost me.

No, listen, I'm saying I don't love everything about this situation, but if it gets me a Gary, let's give it a sh*t.

Hot dog! My friend Coach Steve, who is me, is going to do sex on a lady.

What you gonna do with this big bottle of ginkgo biloba? - Dump it off an overpass? - Good call.

[GASPS]

Excuse me, young lady.

You wanna tell me what's going on now? - [HORMONE]

Oh, sh*t! - You did not pay for any of that.

- Oh, God! - I am so sorry.

- I'll never do it again.

- I'd hope not.

It's just my parents are going through a divorce.

- Oh, I know.

- Excuse me? You're little Jesse Glaser, right? I saw it coming.

Your mom's double down on her Klonopin, first of all.

Who is this gossipy ass pharmacist? And then your dad, on June 8th, stopped refilling his Viagra.

So at first it's sort of like, I thought it was a good thing.

Like they took a sex class, but then I realized, no, he's just giving up.

He doesn't want to use his penis anymore.

- Not with your mother.

- Jesus.

Make her stop! I don't wanna think about Daddy's sad boners.

What's the deal with that kid in your school, DeVon? Because he came in here and he bought a case of Ensure.

He's telling me it's for his grandmother, but I'm looking at him.

I'm like, I don't know.

I think he might secretly be an old man.

Yeah, I've heard that too.

Are you gonna call the cops? No, but I am gonna call your dad to pick you up.

[SOFTLY]

I think your mom's on too much klonopin to drive.

Yeah, she basically asleep.

DEEP QUEENS SELF STORAGE [FOGHORN BLARES]

You look beautiful, Steve.

I feel kind of nervous, you know? I'm just a little fuzzy on the details.

Come on.

You got it, baby.

I think I put my pener in her sweetie? That's it, man.

Your pener is a choo-choo train and her sweetie is a townie.

- What if I'm not good at it? - What are you gonna do? Exactly.

What am I going to do? You wanna do sex But you're filled with doubt What if my pener gets shy And nothing comes out? Just remember what I told you When you're feeling afraid Even my guy, Forest Gump He once got laid I wanna do sex on a lady But I'm not really sure I can Make my pener puke like a baby But there's a couple things I don't understand Do like the birds do the bees And make my wee wee sneeze In a lady Come on, Steve.

You gotta believe in yourself, baby.

Okay, I'm confident now! I'll spiff up my little fellow Make it stand up proud And where my cherry pops It's going to be awesomely loud - Oh, yeah! - I'll chew on her hair I'll lick on her face Then I'll go number three in the Lady Place Yeah, baby! I'm gonna do sex on a lady And that lady's gonna do sex on me Both ways, baby.

We'll be just like a mommy and daddy Yeah, we're gonna touch parts Where we pee We're gonna fill each other with goo - Play hide the sausage - And maybe some bacon too I'm not gonna stop till I'm through Doing sex on a lady You got a beautiful voice, man.

I tell you all the time, but you're the man, baby.

You know, it's not too late to make this a triple date.

- You guys are not coming on my date.

- Nickie, - we just wanna watch you talk to a girl.

- Yeah.

- Maybe get a couple candid pictures.

- I love candids.

Yeah, let them come.

Maybe they can take my place on this date.

- Andrew! - Loud Lola! - You're late! - It begins.

Andrew, sweetheart, you're gonna have a wonderful time.

But please, get out.

She's shaking the car.

- Geometry.

- Argh! Andrew! This is a date! If my breath doesn't smell like garlic fries in the next minute, I'm gonna freak.

Please don't leave me alone with her.

Don't worry.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Nick, it's time to get a soda.

- Soda time! - Andrew, I'm going somewhere.

Sorry.

- [GROANS]

Look, Andrew! I'm Quidditch.

[DOORBELL RINGS, DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hey, Coach Steve.

Or should I say Gary? Oh, hey, Jay's Mom's son, Jay.

Or should I say, Jay? I brought your mom some flowers and you some illegal fireworks.

Whoa! You got nothing but Nut-n-Butt Blasters? Rad! Yeah, no matter where you point them, they're definitely gonna blast off your nuts and your butt.

Especially if my nuts are in my butt.

Oh, all right.

Hello, Steve.

- You look so handsome.

- And you're such a pretty woman.

You remind me of Julia Roberts from my favorite Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the Enemy.

Well, tonight, you'll be sleeping with me.

- Gulp.

- Choo-choo! All aboard, Steve! Don't forget to close your mouth and sh**t boogers on her face! Yeah, okay, dude.

Don't worry about it.

Those have been taken care of.

Taken care of? What? Oh, look at that.

I told that guy one soda, two straws.

- It's still cute.

- Yeah, but it's not my vision.

- [SHUTTER CLICKS]

- Oh, my God.

Gena and DeVon? What a surprise to see you guys here.

Come on, Devin.

You know this is my spot.

DeVon, I just didn't think that you could golf anymore - with your rheumatoid arthritis.

- I'm not an old man.

- Hey, Nick.

- Hey.

I'm sorry that I didn't text you back.

- That's fine.

I've moved on.

- Really? And it's very sweet of you to be DeVon's caregiver.

- Excuse me? - Why is everyone calling me an old man? Don't get him worked up.

It's very bad for his blood pressure.

Oh, my God! - [DOOR OPENS]

- Wow! Your arts and crafts room.

Nice.

This is the only room in the house that doesn't smell like a Whopper Jr.

You know, Mrs.

Jay, I gotta be honest with ya.

I know I seem like a real gigolo, but actually, I'm a little nervous, because I'm a total virgin.

Oh, you want to play games.

- So is this your first time? - Yeah! - And you need me to teach you.

- Exactly.

- Well, I'm a very strict teacher.

- I don't like that! Hey! Happy National Pants-ing Week to you Oh! Why are you making wet on my neck? Oh! Do you mind if I eat a banana while we do this? - Oh! - [MOANS]

This banana's so good.

Oh! Oh, Mylanta! Now you're touching my peen and it feels stupendous! Yeah! Tell her the salad needs a little pepper! Shut the f*ck up, man.

Get outta here.

All right, man.

You do you, baby.

I just wanna tell you, ADHD medicines really work, you know, in terms of your daughter.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

I really screwed up.

Hush, puppy.

[SHAME WIZARD]

Oh, Jesse - Who - You're a thief! - What the - You're a bad person.

Who's saying that? Oh, this m*therf*cker? - [LAUGHING]

Good dusk to you, ladies.

- [GASPS]

What the hell? Hello, Shame Wizard.

Shame Wizard? What the - I've come for the little thief.

- Me? Your poor cuckold of a father already feels awful, and now his only child is a common criminal.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

Shame! Shame! No! You can't shame her for this! Yeah, I don't feel ashamed.

Damn straight.

She's angry.

Yeah, at my stupid mom.

- Now get the f*ck outta here! - [LAUGHING]

What's so damn funny? Very well, ladies.

I shall return.

You better not, you raggedy ass goblin.

[g*n COCKS]

Clack-clack.

- Thank you for including me.

- Andrew! Why won't you pants me? I'm wearing one of my mom's thongs, and I put tanning cream all over my butt cheeks.

Hey, Devin! Can an old man do this? I'm a kid! Nick, this is so random, but you should do something baller on the zip line.

Doesn't seem random at all.

Seems like a direct connection to - Nick! - Okay.

What is wrong with you, Andrew? Just pants me! Yes, pants her, Andrew! - Don't do it.

- It's so easy.

I feel embarrassed? - Huh.

- Oh, dear, it appears your friend doesn't meet the 75 lb weight minimum.

Andrew! It's all in good fun.

- No, thank you.

- And I want the attention! [NICK GRUNTS]

- Oh, my God! - Damn! This is Oh, no.

Nick's penis is comparable to that of a baby.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

Am I like so funny? [SCREAMING]

- Why am I out? - This is so bad.

- [laughing! This is delightful! - Oh, Nick.

Everyone is staring.

What do I do? Lift your legs and show everybody your butt hole! - What? - Change the conversation, baby.

Nick, snap out of it! Just let go.

Can't fall.

Frozen.

About to cry.

- Sweetheart! Fall into Mommy's arms! - Oh, no! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, man.

His parents are here.

So embarrassing.

His butt cheeks are so pale! - Guys, shut up! Don't be assholes.

- [YOWLS]

- Nicholas, you are not alone.

- Oh, no.

I am with you, son.

Here you go.

[BOY]

His penis isn't very big either.

[WOMAN MOANS]

Steve, I want you inside of me.

Oh, right, yeah.

The choo-choo train goes in the tunnel.

Wait a minute, where is you sweetie? I thought it was on the front.

- Oh, right.

You're a naive gentleman.

- Uh-huh.

- You've never done this before.

- No way.

Do you need me to show you where it is? Yes, please.

- [SOFTLY]

It's underneath.

- Okie-dokie.

- So, where do I - Nope.

That's my leg.

Okay, how do I All right, here comes the choo-choo train.

No, that's my other leg.

No! Do you want - What do I want? - You need some help.

Yeah, I wish I had eyes on my pener, but the doctor removed them when I was four.

Here, darling.

It's so warm.

Should it be that warm? Oh, wow, choo-choo! I'm doing it! - Yes, you are.

- Yeah, I am.

- Yeah, you are.

- I just said that I am.

Jesus.

[GROANS]

I can feel a charlie horse coming on.

No, wait! I think my pener has to make a kaka.

[GROANS]

I think I'm gonna make thick! [GRUNTING]

[TRAIN HISSING]

Thank you! I'm sorry! Thank you! I'm sorry! [JAY]

Ow, my nuts! - Ow, my nuts and butt! - [EXHALES]

Let's go Mets.

If supporting your son in his darkest hour is a crime, well, I guess you should arrest me.

Yeah, that's precisely what we're doing, Dad.

So, get in the car.

My husband was only exposing himself out of love.

Mom, can you just let them take dad to jail? - I need to go home.

- Of course, sweetheart.

[MAN 1]

You know what they do to perverts in prison? [BOTH CHUCKLING]

[MAN 1]

They give them jobs.

I'm surprised you're not all over that kid.

Yeah, his parents have given him such high self-esteem.

Besides, I'm more interested in the game these two are playing.

You ruined my first date, Andrew! Why wouldn't you just like pants me? I get a little shy when it comes to aggressively removing someone else's clothes.

Oh, my God! You're such a nerd, but not the cool way like when good-looking people wear glasses.

You're like a nobody.

Yes, this little oil drum gets ya.

I think I can work with this.

You suck, Andrew, whatever your last name is! My last name is Glouberman.

Glouberman? Ew! Perfect! I know.

It's a stupid name.

That's the stupidest name I ever heard! It has dumb letters in it, so it must suck, right? Yeah, it sucks so hard.

Oh, man.

All this verbal abuse is making my nips hard.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I'm a worthless boring nobody.

You're actually worse than a nobody, because you're just a disgusting, slimy little worm.

Come here, you big block.

[BOTH MOANING]

[HORMONE BARKING]

Wait.

Say something mean about how clammy my hands are.

I'm gonna wring you out like a sponge! You're a sociopath.

- [BOTH MOANING]

- [EVIL LAUGHTER]

That's dandy.

[HOWLING]

An almond palmer for our guest, and for my son, a glass of cotton candy brandy.

Wait, how old are you, Jay? That's a great question, Mom.

I'm 13.

- Oh, okay.

- Party wolves! This is nice, right? This is very nice.

You're the man, Steve.

I can't believe it.

I actually made thick in the warm.

- Looks like my job here is done.

- What do you mean, Rick? You had sex, baby.

I have nothing more to teach you.

And my last wish [BREATHES DEEPLY]

is to set you free.

What? I love this dude, but he thinks I'm a genie, man.

That's crazy.

Look at us, having a home cooked meal prepared by a beautiful lady with my best friend, who's a child, and Coach Steve, who is me, who is a Gary.

- To Garys.

- To Garys! - Can I talk to you for a second? - Oh! - What's up? - I got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, Coach Steve did sex on a lady.

Oh! Okay, so what's the bad news? This is my swan song, baby.

I'm retiring.

What? Don't I still need you for like puberty and everything? Don't worry, man.

I'll always be right here.

- In my heart? - No! I'll always be right here in my body.

This is me over here.

I'm me, baby.

If you need me, call me.

Don't call me, but if you need me, call me.

Um, okay.

Bye, Rick.

[RICK]

What are you gonna do? And shoplifting? Seriously, Jesse, what the hell is wrong with you? How are you mad at me for shoplifting and you're not mad at mom for scissoring our cantor? Hey! Do not talk about your mother like that, young lady.

Why? She sucks! - She doesn't suck.

- Why are you defending her? Because she's my wife, Jesse.

So what? She cheated on you! I still love her.

How about that? - You, do? - Yes.

Why do you think I'm staying in the basement? - I don't know.

- 'Cause he got bad credit? So I can be close to you and your mom.

She's the coolest lady I ever met, and I blew it, Jesse.

Oh, no! Crying daddy is scary.

Jesus, I mean, I haven't worked in years.

I stop trying to be physical with your mom.

He's talking about his d*ck pills! I got kicked out that hacky-sack league for calling out their bullshit politics.

You know what? I do not regret that.

f*ck those guys.

[PANTING]

But I do regret taking your mom for granted.

Oh, man.

dad.

- I'm sorry, you have to see this.

- No, I'm sorry.

- [SNIFFLES]

I love you, kiddo.

- I love you too, dad.

The thing about that league is they care more about their sacred rules - than the hack.

- That's f*cked up.

It is f*cked up.

Dale's a d*ck.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Baba ganoush.

I wish I hadn't dropped the rest of this Edible Arrangement.

Oh, well.

Gotta hope Mrs.

Jay's Mom likes honey dew.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Coach Steve.

What are you doing here? I thought I'd come by and be a Gary some more.

No, not today.

My dad came home early from Kid Rock's lake house.

I guess Ted Nugent sh*t a bunch of dogs.

It was a whole thing.

Oh, yeah.

You're dad's home.

Right.

When my daddy was home, Gary couldn't be there either.

- So I get it.

- You think you're gonna be okay? Yeah, of course.

And, hey, no matter what happens, I'll always be your Gary.

Hey, Steve, whatever happened to your Gary? He locked me in the car with him and sh*t his brains out of his head.

Bye, Jay! See you in school.

Holy sh*t.

I can't believe that guy f*cked my mom.

I'm gonna do sex on a lady And that lady's gonna do sex on me We'll be just like a mommy and daddy Yeah, we're gonna touch parts Where we pee We're gonna fill each other with goo Play hide the sausage And some bacon too I'm not gonna stop till I'm through Doing sex on a lady Oh, sex on a lady I'm gonna do sex on a lady Sex on a lady Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex Sex on a lady