02x05 - The Planned Parenthood Show

[bunniefuu]

- [BELL RINGS]

- [STEVE]

All right, guys.

Today we're focusing on sexual education, which I am now qualified to teach PEENAS AND SWEETIES because I recently made thick in the warm.

- Any questions? - Nick Birch, row three.

When you say thick in the warm, - what do you mean by that? - I had the same question.

I'm talking about emptying my guts into a lady.

Who could be anyone's mom.

Oh, I see.

So the lady is the warm, and then Coach Steve, he makes the thick? - Oof! - Argh! I hope you at least wore a condom.

A yogurt balloon? No.

Those things taste terrible.

Aren't you worried about getting the woman pregnant? Or like getting an STD? I didn't even think of that.

I was so busy gooping.

Maybe you should go to a doctor or a Planned Parenthood.

What's Planned Parenthood? It's an abortion factory.

Jay, you don't know what you're talking about.

You've never even been to a Planned Parenthood.

Oh, for your information, I've been in the car and number of times when my dad has dropped off his receptionist there, and he calls it an abortion factory.

Yeah, we seen his law commercials.

Don't forget his Twitter feed.

Pretty outspoken on Twitter.

I'm sorry, but they do a lot more than abortions.

Yeah, they save lives.

- By k*lling babies? - Jay, please stop.

Watch YouTube, guys.

Just watch YouTube.

Gentlemen, I think Jesse is referring to cancer screenings.

I don't understand.

Is there some sort of skit that we can watch that'd be entertaining and informative, but also not too preachy? Ooh! That is a fine line we're trying to walk.

- Well, we're gonna do our best.

- All right.

[FEMALE VOICE]

The year is 2126.

The evil Lord Bilzerian has declared women's healthcare "gay" and outlawed all Planned Parenthoods.

Luckily, an elite medical team travels the galaxy, helping women in need, led by Captain Missy Foreman-Greenwald.

They are The Vagilantes! Captain, we're getting an urgent transmission.

A female on Texania is due for a pap smear.

Chewbacca sound! Affirmative.

Initiate hyper speed.

[SWOOSHES]

Texania.

That's Bilzerian territory.

Don't worry, Missy.

I'll protect you.

Well, I'll protect her too.

General Fillion and Janitor Glouberman, though I'm flattered, I'm fully capable of protecting myself.

Excuse me, am I a janitor? Every person on this team is equally important.

Even the person who through our feces out of the window by hand.

What? Why do I have to do it that way? f*ck you, Glouberman, and go wash your hands.

No matter how much you wash your hands, a trace amount of feces will always remain.

[GRUNTS]

Captain, our sensors have detected a Bilzerian patrol in the area.

DON'T MESS-ANIA WITH TEXANIA The patient is ready.

Brace yourself, people! Initiating shrink down.

I wish there was a way to shrink my burning desire to be with you, Missy.

Well, I wish we could shrink the feces.

I mean we obviously have the technology.

[MISSY]

Prepare for pelvic exam! [FILLION]

You know, I'll never get used to this part of the job.

Extending the swab, captain.

Okay, now scan the sample for abnormal cells.

Captain, another ship has entered the vag*na.

What sort of space ship would enter a vag*na without consent? - The Bilzerians.

- Yeah, the Bilzerians.

I was totally gonna say that.

You heard me say it first though.

Right, Missy? Oh, boys.

Please.

Attention! Your ship is in violation of Bilzerian Space Law 69, but only on the guy.

Surrender immediately.

Not on my watch, friend.

We'll lose them in the fallopian tubes.

I guarantee it.

It's gonna be a tight squeeze.

[FILLION]

Oh Missy, if anyone can do it, you can.

[ANDREW]

Kiss butt much, Fillion? [FILLION]

Well, I'd rather kiss butt than take what comes out of a butt by hand and fling it out the window.

You know, you're 50 years old.

Missy, I need you to know I am only in my mid-forties.

[MISSY]

Oh, sweet mother Gaia.

Look at all of these beautiful ova.

When the average woman is born, she has 300,000 eggs.

Gracious me! Do you see what I see? An ovarian cyst! Oh, f*ck.

I mean, Chewbacca sound! We have to remove in case it ruptures.

I'm going out there.

No, Missy.

It's too dangerous.

For once, I agree with Mr.

sh*t.

Do you see how mean he is to me? Guys, I have to do it.

This woman's reproductive health might be at stake.

Approaching cyst.

It looks cyst-y.

[FILLION]

Missy, we've got a problem.

[ANDREW]

Is it that you're 46 and she's 13? Stop right there.

We've got you surrounded.

Any last requests, science lesbo? Actually, yes.

Just one.

I ask you to look around at the majesty of the female reproductive system, because it is this very system that brings each and every one of us into the world.

Even you, Bilzerians.

You are of us.

You know, she's right.

The female reproductive system is how you make - boys.

- Go now, Missy, and I will see to it that we protect these beautiful factories for male excellence.

- Come on, boys! - Dudes! Okay, not exactly the point I was making, but I'll take it! vag*na wipe! Missy, we've analyzed the cells, and our patient is gonna be okay.

What an exciting adventure this has been.

Yes, it really makes you think about what's important.

Andrew, I'm sorry that you're a sh*t flinger.

And I'm sorry that all your shows got canceled.

[LAUGHING]

Touche.

Perhaps we're more alike than we care to admit.

Andrew, would you be willing to dance the merengue with me while we both make searing eye contact with Missy? Si, Senor.

A thousand times si.

Chewbacca sound! Wo wo wo! You said it, baby.

Vroom! Argh! Okay, fine.

Maybe Planned Parenthood does a couple cancer screenings.

- But it's mostly abortions.

- Common misconception, Jay.

Abortions make up only a tiny percentage of what they do.

Yeah, they also do breast exams.

Which I've already offered to do for free for all the girls in the class.

In fact, I'll pay you in Bitcoin.

Kid's a financial genius.

Why aren't you offering girls money to touch their tits? Because it's prostitution.

Not if you do it so good, she falls in love with you.

You know that's possible, right? Also, Planned Parenthood offers birth control to literally millions of people.

- [STEVE]

Bird control? - What? Good luck.

Everybody says that pigeons are the rats of the sky, but let me tell you something, they're the Einsteins of the diaper barge where I live.

I think the person who had sex with you may have committed a crime.

- [SOFTLY]

Yeah.

- Steve, we're talking about contraception.

Again, if you had some sort of skit that referenced a TV show, I might have a sh*t at understanding.

Okay, you broken Roomba.

I wish I had wheels, running into walls and what-not.

Babies they're like tuna melts.

They sound good, but do you really want one right now? I don't want a baby or a tuna melt.

LEAH 16 YEARS OLD The tuna's all hot, and a baby's, like, a lot of responsibility.

That's why tonight, we're going to help Leah find the perfect contraception.

MISS CONCEPTION Leah, let's meet your choices, girl.

I'm so excited.

Okay, easy, Anne Hathaway.

[LAUGHS]

Calm down.

Hi, Leah.

CONDOM INVENTED 1642 - What's up? - Oh, wow! Nice to meet you.

Did we just hug? I couldn't feel anything.

Yeah, we definitely hugged.

Just kidding.

I felt it a tiny bit.

It was okay.

Hi Leah, I'm the pill.

THE PILL INVENTED 1957 Let's get right to it.

I need to know that you're serious.

I think I am.

No, you have to make a commitment to me every day.

- What if I forget? - Then every day for the rest of your life, - you're going to have a tuna melt.

- Ugh! THE IMPLANT INVENTED 1998 Hey, girl, I'm surgically implanted in your arm for up to three years.

With me, you just set it and forget it, and let the dude just slam it home.

Slam it home? Is that what sex is like? Through college at least.

[COUGHING]

DIAPHRAGM INVENTED 1883 We both know you're not going to pick me.

- I'm just here for the buffet.

- Okay.

Your mother and I were really good friends.

I'm an IUD.

IUD INVENTED 1800s I'm incredibly effective, but it's going to hurt going in.

- But perhaps you like a little pain.

- Your lips are freezing.

PULL OUT METHOD INVENTED LIKE TWO YEARS AFTER SEX STARTED Hey, what's up? - I'm the Pull Out Method.

- Hi.

Oh, whoa! Were we about to kiss, babe? Um, excuse me, his hand is on my boob.

Hey, get off of her! Go to the mansion and get some wine.

Don't thr*aten me with a good time.

The cocktail party was a really great way to get to know my options a little better while eating coconut shrimp.

Honey, can you get me a doggy bag for the mango salsa? Seven of them are sugar pills, but I would take them just to keep track.

Sounds complicated.

Wait, so do I get my period during those days? Yeah, it's kind of a bummer, but I'm sorry, can I just steal you for a sec? Oh.

Let me just I hate talking sh*t, but none of these other choices prevent STDs.

- Oh! - Babe, babe, baby I just want to be close to you with nothing in between us.

- Is that so wrong? - I guess not? Also, with these other methods, you don't get that sweet belly blam.

Oh! Well, Leah, it's time.

This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make.

You are all so special, but I have to go with my heart and pick [CLOCK TICKING]

The Pull Out Method! Yes! I cannot wait to come inside you.

- [THE IMPLANT]

Oh, man.

- Don't trust him.

[KISSING, MOANING]

Oh yeah.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Another teenager making a terrible life choice.

Cut! Nope.

Turn the lights on.

You are not picking the Pull Out Method.

Mom, we love each other! - Whoa! Your mom is hot.

- I know this guy.

He gave me chlamydia.

You are beautiful.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You're going on the pill, and you're using condoms.

- Yes.

- Come to me, baby.

- And that is final.

- Double up.

Diane, is that you? I haven't seen you since senior prom.

- Yeah.

- Michael Villareal? Hello.

- He was a catch.

- How are you doing? - I'm dying, Diane.

- Oh, uh Bone cancer.

Sorry to hear that.

Leah, let's go.

It spread to my feet.

- THE IMPLANT INVENTED 1998 - Honestly, it's just at this point and it's hard enough to be open in today's world, and I offered to be fully implanted, and I think that is a rare find to just meet at contraceptive, that's like, "I will implant today and I can guarantee you that I'll be there for you for three years," but obviously if that's not enough, maybe she's not the person that I should be protecting.

Like maybe I should be protecting myself, 'cause obviously I'm hurt now.

Like maybe I should just put a f*cking condom over my own self.

Well, in the end, I think she made a wise choice.

Coming up next, the finale of Spatula in Paradise.

You're both such amazing spatulas, so this is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but I'm going to choose - the metal one.

- They're both metal.

The one I did pancakes with.

Wow! I never realized women had to make so many birth control choices.

Well, men need to take responsibility too, though.

Beautifully said, Jesse.

Dad, what are you doing here? Nickie, I knew you would've been so embarrassed If I didn't come and tell your entire sex ed class - about my decision to get a vasectomy.

- A vasectomy? Your mother and I are making a commitment to pleasure.

- What does that mean? - Please don't ask him that.

Okay everybody, from now on, my erotic ministrations with Nickie's mother will be purely an expression of lust and gratitude.

- We're done here.

- No more babies.

- Just knee buckling orgasms.

- Dad To say I'm eager to please is an understatement.

Wow, Dr.

Birch.

You're a real partner in family planning with your wife.

Well, Mrs.

Birch's birth control was robbing her of her natural moisture.

Ooh! What, are we talking about, your mom's N.

M.

? - Jay - Natural Moisture.

Dad, get out of here and just go get your vasectomy already.

- Okay? - You got it, Nickie, but you're coming on the journey - [SOFTLY]

with me.

- Oh dear Lord.

ELLIOT'S VASECTOMY [ELLIOT]

It all started in Brooklyn, my hometown.

Land of the Dodgers, Coney Island, and Nathan's Famous dogs.

These were dogs that had their own headshots.

TO Elliot, I 3 You The year was 1955.

Hold on.

1955? No.

You weren't even born yet, dad.

Not to mention, Nathan sells hot dogs.

They were hot, Nickie.

Red hot.

- The biggest stars in the country.

- So the dogs were movie stars.

It's my vasectomy.

I'll tell the story how I want.

The first year of my residency, I was working nights at a 1950s themed diner, which back then was just a diner, when in walked the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen: Your mother.

- Hi, I'm Diane Keaton.

- [NICK]

That's not mom's maiden name.

I'm an independent woman who's sexually liberated.

That's why I'm wearing pants.

[ELLIOT]

She was a woman who knew what she wanted.

Pants, and also your old man, who was a young man then in 1955.

I was smitten, Nickie.

And one night, your mother called me over because a lobster was attacking her.

I came as soon as my analyst told me you called.

[NICK]

I'm sorry, is that a Woody Allen thing? I've never seen any of his movies, 'cause mom says he's a monster.

[ELLIOT]

And I saved your mother by giving the lobster a tennis racket.

[NICK]

Okay, I'm gonna stop you.

I thought this was the story of your vasectomy.

It's about our family.

Anyway Elliot, we've done oral to each other a number of times, but now I want to have sex with you.

You mean, make love.

Argh! Sure.

[NICK]

So what is this, the night that you guys conceived Judd? [ELLIOT]

Not that night, Nickie, because it was during the day.

Your mother rolled a condom on slowly.

My penis was as hard as it is for me to watch you kids grow up so fast.

[NICK]

Dad, this is unforgivable.

[ELLIOT]

Flash forward to the 1970s.

The year was 1955.

Your mother and I, now married, were ready to start a family.

Diane, I long to be with child.

Well, then you can't use those condoms that you love.

[ELLIOT]

Now that was the night we conceived Judd.

[NICK]

Dad, are you on a bunch of painkillers for your surgery? I am.

It's the Randy Quaid cocktail.

[ELLIOT]

A few years later, flash forward to 1955.

It was the 80s, and greet was good.

Look, I'm the movie Baby Boom.

I've got career on the brain, but also these three kids.

So now I'm on the pill.

Folks, what's the deal with baths? Why do I never wanna take one? But then once I'm out, and I come down in my pajammies, I'm so happy.

Anyway, that's my time.

You've been a great family.

Good night.

Argh! [ELLIOT]

Our family was complete, and now it's my turn to take over our reproductive destiny, by getting a vasectomy.

Nickie, my final child, hold my soft moist hand while this crustacean slices open my scrotum.

Oof! - I love you, Nikki.

- I love you too, dad.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

THE END (BUT JUST THIS PART) Barbara, did you touch my box of peach pits? I'm looking for the one I was sucking on the toilet last week.

It's not here.

You're asking me if I took your toilet pit? Yeah, I like to suck the fiber out of the ridges.

This one was perfect.

It was a sucker's dream.

No, Marty.

I did not.

Fine.

Andrew! Did you lay your grubby hands on my pits? [GROWLS]

[MAN ON RADIO]

You're listening to the radio, which means you're either in a rental car or the community room in nursing home.

Up next, another song we've chosen for you.

Deee-Lite's 1990 classic, "Groove Is in the Heart.

" DEEE-LITE LIVE Dig The chills that you spill up my back Keep me filled with satisfaction When we're done Satisfaction of what's to come No, I couldn't ask for another Groove is in the heart Groove is in the heart Groove is in the heart Astronomical - Watch out - The depth of hula groove Move us to the nth hoop We're going through to Horten hears a who I couldn't ask for another PREGNAN PLANNED PARENTHOOD DJ Soul was on a roll I been told he can't be sold Not vicious or malicious Just de-lovely and delicious I couldn't ask for another - [CRASH]

- Sing it Groove is in the heart Groove is in the heart Groove is in the heart Groove is in the heart - I do.

- [WOMAN]

One, two I do.

Blow them all along Well, what are we gonna name him? How about Andrew? Andrew.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

Andrew! [NORMAL VOICE]

Yeah, that works.

Mom, I threw one of Dad's peach pits at an aggressive squirrel, - and I think he knows.

- [MARTY]

I heard that! - Help me! - [MARTY]

Andrew! Aw! I couldn't ask for another Busted! Planned Parenthood does do abortions.

Yeah, because women have the right to choose what happens to their bodies.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm gonna get some Twitter comments about this.

They're gonna be mean and threatening, and weirdly personal.

You okay, Andrew? - These things, they're just skits, right? - Most of them are, but that one seems like it really happened.

- It does, doesn't it? - Ha-ha! Andrew's older brother is an abortion.

Your brothers make you eat cum crackers.

My mom says that's how I get my nutrients! Sex is so complicated.

I know.

And we haven't even talked about STDs.

STDs? Oh, no! I think this one's gonna be scary.

BLUE WAFFLE Be careful, black and white Andrew! - Andrew! - Lola how do you know where I live? I googled it, you chinless turd.

Because I needed to tell you that you gave me Blue Waffle.

Blue Waffle? What's that? Don't lie! It's an STD that makes your vagenitals look like this.

[SCREAMING]

Is that you? No, but it will be.

Right now, I'm just, like, super itchy.

But we didn't even have sex.

Our tongues did, dummy.

We Frenched! Oh God.

We did.

Wait, what happens when guys get Blue Waffle? Your d*ck busts open and it turns into a bumpy blue waffle, and you can't even put ice cream on it 'cause it's too hot.

- It's hot? - No duh, Andrew.

It's pulsing with, like, d*ck fever.

You can't tell anybody about it, 'cause no one will ever speak to you or touch you ever again.

Lola, isn't there anything I can do? You might as well go to a Doubletree Hotel buffet and stick your d*ck in a waffle maker, 'cause your life is over, you blue-dicked buffoon! Okay, symptoms.

After contracting Blue Waffle, your penis will swell until it sprouts? Oh my God, Andrew.

It's worse than I thought.

- I know.

- [SNIFFS]

Andrew, what's happening? - Help me.

- I don't know how! [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[MARTY]

Andrew! What's all the screaming about? I'm fine.

Actually, I'm starting to feel better.

[RETCHING]

- [DOOR OPENS]

- What's going on with you, Andrew? Mom, Dad, I have Blue Waffle.

You weren't supposed to say anything! Andrew, what have you done to us? I'm never going to get this off the walls! This stops here.

Run, sweetheart, run.

[g*nsh*t]

Maury! sh*t! [g*nshots]

I need help.

Anybody? - I need help! - [MISSY]

Hey Andrew! Over here! How about some hanky-panky? - Hubba-hubba style.

- What? Let's climb all over each other while we listen to the Mets.

Missy, that sounds amazing, but I can't! What's wrong? Don't you want to canoodle? Put your finger in my hoodle? Come on, you sexy doodle.

Missy, no! Don't! Gah-waska! What's wrong with me? I'm so sorry, Missy.

I just gave you Blue Waffle! - Is this supposed to be happening - [g*nsh*t]

Oh, f*ck! Her f*cking nose is in my hands! - [THUDS]

- I sh*t your kid girlfriend because you're ruined my walls with your sex disease.

[g*nsh*t]

- Nick! Let me in! - Hey, buddy.

Ah! I'm so glad to see you.

You, too.

You're my best friend, Andrew.

Come on in.

Leah made us a Dorito cake.

Hey, Andrew.

I've decided it's cool that you're a disgusting pervert.

Oh, that's a huge relief, 'cause I just found out I have a pervert's disease.

- Blue Waffle? - Yeah, you know it.

That's fine.

Just relax.

Duke's hanging out, too.

- Get out.

- What? Get out! What happened? Oh my God! Nick! Leah! Someone! Help! We are helping best friend.

Yeah, before you infect anyone else, we're gonna chop your rotten d*ck off.

That's what I was hoping you weren't gonna do! Don't worry.

I'll do it nice and slow.

[SCREAMING]

What's the matter, Judd? Feeling a little blue? Andrew, I was cool.

Did you hear that? Yes, it was funny.

Come on, keep moving.

- Andrew, your STD is k*lling everyone! - Argh! Eat a d*ck, Nick! Suck on my diarrhea, Leah! Like, gross! Maury, I owe you my life.

How did you do that, by the way? How did you spray that much diarrhea? Maury! [ANDREW PANTING]

Whoa! What the "Planned Parenthood?" Yeah, are you crazy? That place is just for girls.

Everyone, listen! I have Blue Waffle.

Can you please help me? Honey, I'm sorry.

I can't.

Is it because I didn't sign in? No, it's because Blue Waffle is not real.

- Wait, what? - Then what's going on with my body? Is the violent diarrhea because I brush my teeth with raw chicken? Blue Waffle is an urban legend.

It's a complete hoax.

Oh, thank God.

STDs are fake.

Well, no.

STDs are real, but they are treatable.

And I wish people would come in and get tested before they start googling and driving themselves crazy.

Food for thought, but one more time: Blue Waffle is not real, right? One more time, it is not real.

- But, Andrew? - What? - Slender Man is.

- [ANDREW SCREAMING]

Andrew, that was upsetting.

Yeah, especially the whole nightmare scenario of you making out with Lola.

Yeah, that's crazy.

That's, you know, magical realism.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the clock! I think I understand Planned Parenthood now.

Really? You do? Yeah! They do medicine for your bathing suit parts.

Yeah, basically.

Steve, you actually learned something.

I did? I did.

Oh, thank you, everybody.

And thank you all for watching.

What an incredible week! You know, it's always been a dream of mine to host whatever this is.

I want to thank Deee-Lite for "Groove is in the Heart," Bootsy Collins, Nathan Fillion, you're a real sport.

- I love you! - The whole cast.

The cue card guy for drawing my dialogue in pictures.

Lorne, the pull out method, Slender Man.

I love you, dude.

I can't forget the Liberal League for their awesome agenda.

You guys rocked it.

You convinced us to do an episode on Planned Parenthood, even though so many people are gonna be furious at us for doing it.

And don't forget, Blue Waffle is absolutely real! - No, it's not! - I love you! Goodnight! Stick around for Showtime at the Apollo or a Cindy Crawford melon skin cream infomercial.