04x03 - Poop Madness

[bunniefuu]

One, two, three

How you doing in there, man?

It won't come out, Maury.

I can't do it. I can't sh*t!

How is that possible?

When was the last time you took a dump?

-Let's see, I didn't poop yesterday

-Okay.

And I couldn't go when Nick walked in

on me, carry the one, so four weeks ago?

Jesus, Andrew!

You haven't sh*t the entire summer?

I think you missed your sh*t window.

sh*t window? What's a sh*t window?

When you sucked your groundhog back

into your butthole,

you made it think there were

six more weeks of sphincter.

And this is locked science?

This is flat-Earth science, Andy.

Oh, God, Maury, you gotta take a look

at what's going on back there.

Oh, Andrew, I don't think it's appropriate

for me to be this psyched

to look at your assh*le, baby!

-Oh.

-What?

-Oh my.

-What is it?

-Oh me, oh my.

-Give it to me straight, I can take it!

-You should see this for yourself, Andrew.

-Bring me the mirror!

Hey! Why don't you take

a f*cking picture, numbnuts!

It'll last longer!

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

Oh, in my life ♪

Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪

Okay, 15 minutes until the last night

of camp bonfire.

Attendance required.

Make-outs encouraged.

Because if you can't hook up

on the last night of camp,

when can you hook up?

Vacation? Please!

Your parents are there!

They don't want to see you

snogging a 45-year-old Greek woman.

They're not ready to accept you

as a sexual being.

#Zoratheexplora!

Nick, why you doing homework

right now like some nerd?

This is your last chance

to get some tan ass.

I'm writing jokes

for the talent show tonight.

You can't perform at the bonfire.

Everyone hates you now, Soup.

-Ugh!

-They wanna see you fail.

You're basically Ben Affleck.

No, no, no, no.

Some people still like Nick.

He's Matt Damon! Keep on writing, Matt!

Ugh! What is it about

the last night of camp

that gets everyone so horned up?

I know, right?

I just checked out Milk's ass.

If you look at it by itself,

it's actually kinda good.

Hey, Natalie! Hi.

Did you hear, uh, about the dead bird

in the woods?

It's-- I mean,

it's been swelling up all summer,

and I actually think

it's gonna pop tonight.

Wow. Very cool.

Yeah. Super cool.

Remember where I hocked

that red loogie last year?

It's-- it's kinda near there.

Yeah, we remember.

You keep bringing it up.

Just like I brought up that red loog!

Anyway, you wanna go see the bird, maybe?

Eh, maybe later.

I kinda wanted to throw a battery

in the bonfire to see what happens.

Oh, yeah. That's-- Yeah. I want--

Tell me, let me know.

Oh, my God. He's so into you.

What? Shut up! Wait, why?

What makes you think that?

Look at him.

That's his sad attempt at flirting.

Hey, ladies--

f*ck! Did it! That's what I wanted!

You should go see the bird with him.

Really? I don't know.

Yes! Come on! You obviously like him. Go.

Yeah, but this would be my first time,

like, kissing a boy.

And it just feels scary.

But it's the last night.

If it doesn't work out, who cares?

I mean, I'm gonna finger Milk.

As God as my witness,

I'm gonna wear him like a Ring Pop.

My dad's friend Bob Reedy

has a statue of a finger

in his nightstand.

Shut the f*ck up, Milk!

Burgers and coffee?

You sure that's the move, captain?

I figured this would be the best way

to get things moving down there.

Oh, yeah, keep eating, man!

Put little burger shoes

on my gross sh*t feet!

Andrew, I think he's getting bigger.

And I'm getting wider, you fucks!

I'm a big, brown baseball with eyes!

Eww! Did you just "furp"?

-Furp? What's a furp?

-It's a fart burp, you f*cking idiot.

Ugh, what is that awful stench?

It smells like when my dad's friend

Bob Reedy invited me

to change his sepsis gauze, and I obliged.

Who was that? Ugh!

It was probably Soup. Yeah, he farted.

It sounded wet, like Soup!

What? No, it wasn't me!

I mean, I've heard of a can of soup,

but this Soup needs to go to the can.

Good one, dude!

-You write that?

-I had variations on it,

but it's never come out like that.

Wow, I know Nick's a tiny little loser,

and he stinks like trash,

but I feel bad for the kid.

That's where you and I differ, Maury.

Bad things

happen to bad people.

Nick is getting what he deserves.

It's called kar--

It's called-- It's called--

It's called karma.

May I tongue you, my queen?

Permission granted, my king.

Happening! Happening!

Let's see what's actually happening.

Uh-oh, Your Majesty.

There's, like, so much dirt

under my fingernails

from all that digging.

Well, allow me to suck the muck out,

Your f*ckin' Grace.

- Mm!

- Mm!

I love how rough your fingers are.

Well, I love what a jacked walnut you are

from digging all summer.

You did most of the work, babe.

And with your feet too.

Those strong little hooves.

They're like that one genre of Tostitos

'cause they're good for scooping.

Yeah, that's right,

-I'm perfect for the Super Bowl!

-Oh, yeah.

I was just telling the guys the other day,

your feet never get soggy.

Anyway, we did do an amazing job,

though, didn't we?

I feel bad for everyone else, honestly.

What do you think, Skumpy?

Should we keep this paradise to ourselves?

No way, Jo-say!

We should totally have

a b*mb-ass pool warming party

so everyone can choke

on their f*cking jealousy.

That's genius.

Uh-oh, methinks me sees some dirt

under your toes,

or as I like to call them,

the Queen's Nuggies.

Oh, that f*cking tickles.

Thank you, Rebecca.

You really kept most of those plates

spinning a lot of the time.

And now, hoping to turn around

his truly dreadful summer,

a boy named Soup!

Aww.

Even the counselors are calling me "Soup"?

Oh, God, Nick. You're gonna b*mb!

This is a su1c1de mission.

You'll be a su1c1de bomber!

Um, you know, what's--

what's the deal with camp?

It's-- it's like school,

but we're all f*cking sleeping here?

Ugh.

Don't listen to Tito!

-You are so funny.

-Really?

Big-ass mouth, stupid f*cking forehead.

Look at that thing. g*dd*mn shoebox.

-What?

-I just look at you, and I laugh.

You're right. You're right.

Charming people is, like,

the one thing I'm actually good at.

I-- I got this.

Make eye contact. Strut!

-Connect with the ladies!

-Okay, okay.

Ahem. Hey, fellow campers!

What a summer, huh? Yikes! No me gusta.

The only thing worse, honestly,

is getting stuck in a canoe with Berman,

am I right?

f*cking kid's been crying all summer!

Berman's brother d*ed last month!

Oh. Oh, my God.

I am so sorry, Berman.

I really didn't know that.

I-- I just

Well, let's see what else I got.

What do I got? Uh, that's not good.

Oh, no! What if you can't think

of anything to say?

You have no point of view.

It's so hot, uh

How hot is it, me?

It's so hot,

I think I saw a deer sucking

on an ice cube the other day.

No, you didn't!

f*ck you, Soup!

Take a f*cking shower and die!

-Okay, good times.

-You suck!

Easy, Andrew, Nick's already bombing.

You're f*cking a dead horse.

Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.

No, that guy's an assh*le!

He f*cked your wife Missy!

Well, sort of.

Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred!

Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny?

Show us your tiny prick!

Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?

Read the tea leaves, honey.

-That bowl of soup f*cked my wife!

-I think I'm gonna switch seats.

Let your guard down, Nicky.

Be vulnerable!

People like that.

Hey, guys, maybe comedy's

not what you're looking for tonight.

Maybe I try

something a little bit different.

Hey, Mister Man ♪

What about me? ♪

Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? ♪

'Cause when I look in the mirror ♪

I'll tell you what I see ♪

He sees soup!

'Cause he's a big fat bowl

of f*cking soup, the idiot!

-That's a good joke!

-Stinky-ass bitch!

Why are you all so mean?

And why is Berman still here

if his brother's dead?

He should be at home with his family!

My mom said Eli would've wanted me

to finish out the summer.

Get off the stage, Soup!

Run, sugar! Run into the woods!

Oh, Nick.

That felt right, yeah?

I-- I feel good about that?

Yeah, you really finished in the horse,

Andrew.

Well, he deserved it--

-My stomach!

-Jesus, you all right, chief?

Shh! Look.

Hi. Did you just make

your best friend cry?

That was so hot and rude.

I'm beyond soaked.

Soaked, you say?

Well, sounds like you need

a big, dry pair of underwear

-and a qualified lover to put them on.

-Andrew, who are you talking to?

Why, this hot little redhead ginger

over here.

Oh, no, that's not a girl.

That's the campfire!

Ow! f*ck! Hot!

Maury, what's happening to me?

Well, you're hallucinating.

You have cramps.

It's been a month since you

Wait a second.

Step into my office.

Okay, fart.

Fart again.

Okay, big, wet fart.

Oh, no. It's just as I feared.

What is it? You can tell me. Is it AIDS?

Oh, Andrew, you're suffering from

Poop madness!

Poop madness! What the hell is that?

When the body goes too long

without expunging a brownskie,

-it goes into a state of shitosis

-Uh-huh. Yeah.

eventually causing cerebral skidmarks,

or in layman's terms, sh*t-for-brains.

Doctor, that does not sound good.

Bottom line,

if you don't dump your grump soon,

you'll go permanently insane.

No! No, that can't be. I'm fine--

-Oh, dear God!

-Eww, Andrew!

You use a handkerchief?

Nick, hold on, wait up!

Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay.

My whole life is over!

Whoa, buddy. Calm down, you're shaking.

-Shaking?

-I could take you to the nurse.

She could give you a cup of water.

Water? What the hell is water gonna do?

Hey, Jessi, your parents are divorced.

You want a cup of f*cking water?

-Hey!

-Just leave me alone!

Okay, fine. Jesus.

Wow, that is certainly a dead bird.

Check it out, its belly is full of gas,

so if you poke its butthole with a stick,

it actually squeaks.

I think that's actually called its cloaca.

Cloaca. That's a beautiful name for

a baby, or any--

Wow. Crazy how tall these trees are.

So tall.

-Super.

-Yeah.

Um so what else should we do?

I don't know.

Uh, what do you wanna do?

Whatever, honestly.

Whatever, right? Yeah.

Are we moving closer to each other?

You're not turning away from me.

-I'm not turning away from you.

-Yep.

Thank you for doing

what's about to happen.

Wow.

Is it possible this party

could actually be good?

Oh, it's not good.

It's perfect.

Welcome to Soak Palace,

where all your dreams are wet.

And muddy!

Guys, help yourself to some snacks!

Yeah, there's pretzels

and shaving cream on the table,

and Luda's passing out the hot apps!

It's lasag-na.

Oh, my God, I've never said

that word out loud before!

You nailed it, babe. Up top!

Go, Lola!

Hey, party people!

DJ Pendejo here,

returning to the scene of the time

where I made thick in the warm!

-Meow! Meow!

-Hi, Steve.

Hi, Jay's mom, my sexual partner.

Come on in, guys!

The water's piping hot and slick as sh*t!

Ooh, I'm at your service, my queen.

I think it's time for you

to clean the royal stinky pinky.

Yeah, right there.

Oh! Mm-hmm. Yep.

This is officially better than

the time I saw Eric Stonestreet

fall down a flight of stairs.

Lola, can I talk to you for a second?

Aww, but my crown jewels

are still getting polished.

Right now!

Oh, my God! What the hell?

Please tell me

you're not actually with Jay.

Yeah, kind of, I mean,

we built this, like, dank-ass pool.

You need to drop him immediately.

You might as well be dating

a meatball sub.

First of all, yum!

But, like, ultimately,

what's wrong with Jay?

He's like a dirty, weird kid.

I once saw him eat

someone else's scab, bro.

He's a true goblin.

Oh, my God, please!

You guys are just jealous

of our sick-ass Soak Palace!

Lola, this pool is a f*cking wet tomb.

It's trash, and so is Jay. Look at him.

Oh, yeah, it's foamy.

Molecular gastronomy. A lot of foam.

You seriously can't bring this horror show

into eighth grade.

You'll be a f*cking joke.

Oh, no!

Sigh, comma, groan! Aw

Oh, God, where am I?

You're lost. In the woods!

I think this is how Berman's brother d*ed.

Oh! I can't believe I had so many jokes

about Berman!

And then you sang!

f*cking Connie told me to be vulnerable.

It was humiliating.

Andrew's gonna tell everyone at school

what a loser you are!

Oh, that's totally what he's gonna do.

What if they call you Soup

in eighth grade?

You'll have no friends!

You'll never get laid!

You'll be an old man

with your untouched, dusty little d*ck!

I think I'm having a panic att*ck!

Andrew?

Why, Nick?

Why did you kiss Missy?

Maybe it's because you're selfish!

No, I'm just a fierce advocate

for my own happiness.

And why did you make fun

of my dope hats?

I stand my ground on that one.

f*ck you, the hats rule!

You're a condescending prick,

and we'll never be friends again!

No!

Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?

Everyone's hooking up in there,

and you know I get caca-shy!

I'm not going anywhere,

you f*cking bird brain!

Strain, Andrew.

Push all the blood to your face!

If you m*therf*ckers try and sh*t me,

I'll pull out your f*cking spinal cord!

Oh, God, Maury.

I'm scared.

Maybe I can just hold it in forever.

You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad!

I think it's time for me

to pop your dookie bubble.

Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.

Oh, f*ck! Okay, I'll try anything.

Just hurry up.

All right, Andrew, I think I--

Maury! How did he get a Kn*fe?

I'm a pile of sh*t with nothing to lose!

Oh, no, Maury.

Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in.

No, just don't let the blood out--

Why are you doing this to me?

You made me!

I am the ugly hate inside of you,

and I'll keep getting bigger and bigger

until we are one!

-Wow.

-Oh, wow.

You're a surprisingly good kisser.

Well, my dad's a high-end butcher,

and I practice on the meats.

So if you're ever at Goldberg's

in Montreal, do not eat the pastrami.

Thanks for the heads-up.

-No problem.

-So, should we go back to the group?

The group? Uh Oh, yeah, totally.

Um, so how do we wanna do this?

Do you, uh, wanna go first,

and I'll just hang back

-and chill for a sec?

-What?

Or do you want me to run as fast as I can,

and then you just show up later?

-What do you mean?

-I'm just saying,

I don't know if we should show up

at the same time,

'cause then, you know, everyone will know.

Oh. Oh, my God.

f*ck.

You don't want anyone to know.

Look, I-- I'm really into you,

and I like you.

I-- I'm just mildly terrified

of what the guys will say,

because you're

I'm what?

Say it. I'm trans.

No! I mean, yes.

But no, no!

It-- it-- it's because you are so

great, and they'll get jealous.

'Cause I get to kiss the great one. You!

f*ck you!

I'm a person, not something to hide.

This is such a f*cking bummer.

Natalie, I'm sorry!

You know, have fun face-f*cking

your dad's meat, you French Canadian c**t!

It's high-end meat! Ow, f*ck!

Ugh, the bird popped!

Natalie, come back!

Ugh. The smell is

It is not what you'd expect!

Hey-o! You guys having fun?

-Eh.

-Not really.

Oh, my stars,

look at that queen in her palace.

Mm-mm-mm!

Jay, honey, this isn't a palace.

It's a bowl of f*cking malaria.

What? I don't know what you're--

Oh, no.

Luda!

And that's not an elegant queen.

That's Lola.

Leggo my lasag-na!

Oh, sh*t.

You're mine now, d*ck cheese!

Okay, brother, we can work this out.

What do you want?

I want you to become your true self:

an angry piece of sh*t!

No, please! You're hurting me!

-My fur and whiskers! You're late!

-What?

-You're late! You're late!

-What am I late for?

Oh, you're late, you're late,

for a very important make!

You didn't poop or sh*t or crap!

You're late! You're late! You're late!

What the f*ck is happening?

Why, you have fullsy-blownsy,

sweetsy-brownsy

Poop madness!

Oh, God, I do! I really do!

The rectal strain has reached

Your brain ♪

The bile seeps into your soul ♪

Join the dance of fools ♪

Whose stubborn stools ♪

Will never reach the bowl ♪

You've received an invitation ♪

To the carnival of constipation ♪

Your blocked behind has blown

Your mind ♪

And opened up the door ♪

- Oh, no!

- To poop madness ♪

Poop madness ♪

Poop madness♪

Nick?

Not anymore. You turned me into Soup!

Calling all Thick Hogsmen!

It's chow time!

- Organs twist, intestines pound♪

- No! Nick!

This is f*cked up.

This is beyond the pale.

Why are you such a shithead?

Poop madness ♪

No!

Ugh. That transphobic, cargo-short

wearing, Canadian m*therf*cker!

I just can't believe someone so stupid

could make me feel so bad.

Should we go kick his ass?

Yeah, maybe. Are you good at fighting?

I have never fought.

I kicked someone in the back

really hard once.

But you know, I don't think

that's the best way

to spend our last few hours at camp.

I mean, at least you got your first kiss.

Yeah, and I made a really special friend

this summer.

Milk's dad's friend, Bob Reedy?

- No, you f*cking idiot. You.

- I knew that.

My first kiss was with a troll

named Myron.

He had a flat ass and buck teeth.

He could eat me out

through a tennis racket.

We dated for eight years.

I should call him.

Gotta calm down.

How? You can't even breathe!

-Everything's fine.

-No, it's not.

I'm clearly dying, but everything's fine.

Is that the sick triceratops

from Jurassic Park?

Andrew, is that you? Are you okay?

Ugh! This f*cking guy!

Tell him to go jump off a f*cking bridge.

I'm fine. You go away!

Okay, if that's what you want.

Oh, boy! I changed my mind!

Nick, don't leave me!

No! What if it's a trap?

Please, don't leave me.

What's wrong with you?

-I got poop madness, man!

-What?

I haven't sh*t all summer,

and I'm losing my mind. I need your help.

You can't trust him.

Why should I help you? I mean,

you've been an assh*le to me all summer!

Oh, that's Nick! That's Nick to a T!

Typical selfish little f*ck.

Well, you were an assh*le to me

in the first place.

I said I was sorry.

Why can't you let it go?

No! Never let it go!

Hold it in!

I wanna let it go, but it's just so hard.

Look, Andrew, I know,

but I've just really missed you.

No, don't be vulnerable.

I've missed you too.

Aww, give me a hug.

-No!

-Oh, no!

I'm losing my grip!

Oh, God! m*therf*ckers!

There's so much more

to worry about!

Nick! It's coming.

Oh, God! You're gonna sh*t right now?

I can feel it crowning.

Oh, Nick, no.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Oh, Andrew, you're already doing it.

Stay right here, Daddy.

I got you, okay?

Your body is doing

what it was meant to do!

Oh, get this f*cking thing out of me!

You say whatever you need to say.

I hate men! I hate men!

I stand by you… ♪

You're my hero! I am so proud of you.

One more push.

You're doing it!

Oh, you did it. You did it.

No, Nick. We did it.

Should I cut the cord?

I think it's linguine.

Aww, nine pounds, six ounces,

22-inches long.

What a massive turd.

Hey, you.

Eww! Soup's holding Glouberman's poop!

Kinky little fucks.

They're Soup and Poop!

Soup and Poop!

Soup and Poop!

Oh, no, Nick--

It's okay, man. They can call us

whatever they want.

-We have each other.

-No, it's not that.

Honey, I think we're having twins!

Aww, the second one's

a totally different color.

Excuse me, trying to get past.

- Nobody's stopping you.

- It was nice the Devins came.

You certainly seemed

to have a good time with them.

I'm surprised you noticed,

considering how busy you were

butt-f*cking Matthew and Aiden.

You wish, Lola. In my dreams.

Yeah, right. Like you're even allowed

to go to sleep.

Joke's on you, I'm allowed 30 minutes

of sleep, every two--

-What the f*ck!

-I can't live like this anymore!

You owe me a Scooby-Doo plate!

Devin was right about you!

She said you were a meatball sub,

and I could do slightly better!

Oh, yeah?

Well, Matthew said you were Lola!

How dare he!

You know what, Jay?

I think it's best if we do

what my parents did:

divvy up the lotto tickets

and move to separate parts of Yonkers!

Let's face it, our pool was gross,

and everybody thought we were gross too.

My feet are so wet and dirty!

Oh, yeah? What do you got?

Like, muddy f*cking toes?

Something like that.

Lift. Wiggle, wiggle.

You look like you just ran

the Kentucky Derby in the rain.

Clip-clop! I'm a little show pony.

Ah! That's so hot.

You know what? f*ck this!

I like navigating the world with you.

-And I'm scared to be alone at my house!

-f*ck what everybody else says!

Let's take this love connection

to the eighth grade!

Really? You mean

like boyfriend and girlfriend?

No!

-What?

-Like king and queen.

Oh, f*ck, yes!

Mmm! You're a bad boy, aren't you?

Yeah, you're having sex with a boy!

I don't wanna go to sleep!

Oh, you don't have to, Steve.

I'm so tired, though!

I'm gonna miss you so much.

You have to come see me in the city,

okay?

I'm gonna text you every day

for the first week,

and then once every six months

for the next ten years.

Ditto.

-How you feeling, buddy?

-I'm fine, I-- I can walk.

No, they don't want you to.

It's an insurance thing.

Hey, Soup, Poop.

Just want to say you two should

take good care of each other.

Don't f*ck it up 'cause you're afraid

of what other people might say,

even if it was the best g*dd*mn kiss

of your entire f*cking life.

-What?

-What? Nothing.

Anyway, I just, uh, got you guys

a goodbye present.

-Is it a duck egg?

-No! It's not a duck egg!

It's never been a duck egg!

It's been my balls the whole time.

I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough

to tell you. But now you know.

My dad's friend Bob Reedy

calls his testicles his huevos.

Uh, Milk, do me a favor.

You be careful around Bob Reedy, okay?

Nick.

There is no Bob Reedy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that was a pretty great summer,

wasn't it, Nick?

What? No, it f*cking sucked.

Best summer of our lives.

At least you got rid of Tito,

that anxiety mosquito.

I do feel less anxious.

I just hope my assh*le heals

before the first day of school.

According to WebMD,

I have turtleneck butt.

Yeah, but it was all worth it.

Look at these two rascals.

I've named them Zack and Cody,

and I think

they're gonna have a pretty sweet life.

All right. Eighth grade, here we come.

I'll stand by you ♪

I'll stand by you ♪

Won't let nobody hurt you♪

I'll stand by you ♪

So ♪

If you're mad, get mad ♪

Don't hold it all inside ♪

Come on and talk to me now ♪

Hey ♪

What you got to hide? ♪

I get angry too ♪

Well, I'm alive like you ♪

When you're standing at the crossroads ♪

"Good at Bizness."

- Chirp.

- Fathouse.