04x06 - Nick Starr

[bunniefuu]

And we're back.

I feel unhappy ♪

I feel so sad ♪

I've lost the best friend ♪

Ooh, let's Yeah, stretch that.

- Uh-huh.

- That I ever had ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

- Hello. Hello.

- I'm going through changes ♪

Sit tight or shake your booty!

'Cause it's time to

"Countdown to Money with Nick Starr"!

Hello!

Welcome back to

Countdown to Money,

where the poor and desperate

humiliate themselves

for the chance to receive

basic human services!

I haven't peed in weeks!

That's right!

Nowadays, you have to pay to pee.

But not right now,

because it's time to play our next game

"f*ck Your Brother!"

Danny and Jerry Lynch,

tell us why you're here.

Well, our mom has cancer,

and medical insurance

doesn't exist anymore.

Plus, we love the show!

And have you thought about

who's going to f*ck whom?

Well, I've got the tinier d*ck,

so our family agreed it should be me.

We want the big d*ck!

Oh, ho! Lynch brothers, you heard 'em.

They want the bigger d*ck.

But first, a word from our sponsor.

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and emotional intimacy

with others impossible?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well,

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Oh, God, it's freezing!

Why is the water pressure so high?

What do you think, studio audience?

Should the Lynch brothers

get their mom's cancer money?

Or should we throw them into

The Spice Pit!

- When is this gonna air?

- Mom, we're sorry!

Well, that's our time for tonight.

This is Nick Starr reminding you

to check your toilets for toilet people

who live in the sewers and use

their tiny hands to grab our pubes.

And we're out.

Another great show, Mr. Starr.

You too

stage manager.

Congratulations, Nick.

Those brothers really did not want

to f*ck each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Very compelling content.

Thanks, Andrew-3000.

Have you given any more thought

to building me a robot bride?

Why would I do that? We're both bachelors.

Oh, yes, the Batch Boys.

Alone together, forever.

That's right, A-3.

Daily reminder:

I have this switch you can flip,

and I will be gay with you.

Oh. Ohhh!

Boy, that was a big one.

Actually, that was an earthquake.

- They are becoming more frequent.

- Either way, I am soaked.

Shall I replace your cum diaper?

No, I think I'll sit in it a bit

and let my butt cheeks prune.

- We have a breaking news bulletin.

- Wait, hold on. Turn that up, A-3.

Sad news tonight

as the People's Ambassador to the moon,

Missy Foreman-Greenwald,

has d*ed in a flying car accident.

Wait, what? Missy's dead?

In the face of global warming,

Foreman-Greenwald gave hope to humankind

with her Project Earthseed.

By terraforming the moon,

we'll make a new home for all humanity.

Even the toilet people, as much

as they like to yank on our pubes.

Foreman-Greenwald's funeral

will be held tomorrow at her alma mater,

Bridgeton Middle.

The world has lost one

of its brightest lights,

and, on a personal note,

a dork dear to my heart.

- Turn it off.

- This is terrible.

I know. Missy was such a special person.

I will pack your grieving cum diaper

for the funeral.

Oh, I couldn't possibly go. My schedule

There is no taping tomorrow.

It's Martin Shkreli Jr. Day.

Look, I'm not going. I would have to see

my family and old friends,

meet their disgusting children.

The kids will wanna hold my phone

and break my sunglasses.

Still, it might be nice

to see the old g*ng.

It might also be nice

if you changed my cum diaper.

And don't be stingy with the Nicky powder.

I love this relationship.

It is your big-time

Hollywood agent calling.

Okay.

Put him on.

Nick Starr, my favorite f*cking client.

- Hey

- I got good news, and I got bad news.

Oh, I love this game.

Give me the bad news first.

The Earth is done. Canceled. Kaput!

- What?

- Mass extinction!

I thought the scientists said we had,

like, 20 years.

More like 20 hours.

The ocean's flooding the core through

a sinkhole in Florida or something.

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die.

Hey, relax.

The good news is you're too rich to die.

Oh, thank God.

Now, there's a VIP ark going to the moon,

and we represent it.

Hey, you signed the ark!

I knew you were chasing it. Congrats!

Shh! Super secret.

It's leaving Shkreli International Airport

tomorrow.

- Only the .0001% are in the know.

- Okay.

I'm sending the tickets to A-3 now.

These are in pill form.

They're suppositories.

You gotta stick it

right up your privileged pooper.

Ooh. What's the other one for?

Not "what," "who." You have a plus-one.

Okay, I'll take Andrew-3000.

I will make you feel so good.

Nope. It's gotta be a human,

someone you can procreate with.

Flesh and blood.

And while I have you, the NRA wants

to reboot Toy Story, but with g*ns.

- I'm listening.

- You'd play a shy as*ault r*fle

who loves to k*ll sh*t. You in?

Yeah, if the dates work, sure.

What about my stylist Becky

as my plus-one?

Do you remember

when her gums got infected,

and she asked for antibiotics,

and you said, quote, "Let's circle back"?

- Yeah.

- She d*ed.

Oh, should we send her family

some piss tokens?

The world is ending tomorrow.

Yes, that would be a waste of piss tokens.

What about other women

who have worked for you,

so that the power dynamic is

in your favor?

Ooh, the network gifted me a bottle

of tequila shaped like a boxing glove.

Should I bring that? Is that a person?

It's my human counterpart.

Shall I ignore the call as usual?

No. I'll take it.

Holy sh*t, you picked up!

Andrew, is that you?

You look disturbingly like your father.

I wish. He got a tapeworm and Lasik,

and now he is hot.

Huh.

Anyway, I call because I assume

you heard the terrible news.

- Oh, about the world?

- Huh?

Yeah, I guess Missy was our world

for a minute.

Ooh, right, our dead school companion

Missy.

Oh, how I mourn her.

Yeah, so I was calling to see if

you're gonna go to the funeral tomorrow.

No, tomorrow I'm

marrying a bottle of tequila

shaped like a boxing glove.

Oh, my God, congratulations!

What's her name?

Danielle Aykroyd.

Well, she sounds lovely.

Yes, it's a very cute story. We met when

she was gifted to me by the network.

Well, you'll be missed at Missy's funeral.

The whole g*ng's gonna be there.

- Minus Missy, of course. Whom I mourn.

- This is going well, Nick.

Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into

at Trader Two Point Joe's.

Missy?

- No, she's dead.

- That's right. I mourn her.

I saw Jessi's dad.

He said she's coming in for the funeral.

Jessi. Wow.

I haven't seen her since that fight we had

in Washington Square Park.

Is she still with Michael Angelo?

That hot artist

who haunts my erotic dreams?

No, no, Jessi's single.

You know what, Andrew? I might be able

to make it, move some things around.

But, Nick, what about your wedding

to Danielle Aykroyd?

I'm breaking up with her.

I hated her friends.

Ugh. Relationships, right?

- My son has so much contempt for me

- Uh-huh. I gotta go.

A-3, bring up Jessi's life feed.

Toilet people are people too!

Toilet people like pee and poo!

We're just trying to make the world

a better place for your kids!

- Joke's on you. My kids suck!

- Ow!

Oh, my God, freeze image. Uh, zoom in.

Lower. Lower still.

Enhance.

It's Jessi.

Tit's always been Jessi.

She's the breast.

I'll take her on the ark.

Andrew-3000, pack my Ohyeah.

I'm going home.

Oh, ho-ho! Oh, yeah!

Wow, you really like her.

Oh, so many fond "mammaries."

Why is everyone carrying on about the fate

of the planet? It's a beautiful day.

We're above the cloud line, sir.

- Holy sh*t!

- Yes.

I guess it's been a while

since I've been outside.

- Not since they b*rned Adele at the stake.

- Oh, that was gruesome.

But the album she put out after

was so slay queen.

Incoming alert! The outside temperature

is climbing at an alarming rate.

Climate change is a hoax! Math is a lie!

A hundred should be the first number!

Sweet Jesus!

The ark leaves in ten hours, sir.

- I'll swing by Missy's thing

- Funeral.

- Get the loud redhead with tits

- Jessi.

And zoom-zoom to the cheese.

- Escape to the moon.

- Exactly.

Hamburger. Hamburger!

What does this human person want from me?

It seems she wants

a hamburger sandwich, sir.

Fries! Fries!

Or we could get half fries

and half onion rings!

Do something, A-3! Fly out of here!

Flying mode is prohibited

because of the mosquitoes.

Enough with this PC culture!

Just do it, man!

Oh my! Those black clouds

are blocking the sun.

Those are not black clouds.

Sorry, "African-American" clouds.

No, Nick. Those are the mosquitoes.

Well, who's the r*cist now?

Oh, my God! This is disgusting!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

Prepare for emergency landing!

Whoa! My cold brew!

At

Reload!

Find Jessi

Andrew-3000, my only friend.

Sure! What? Yes.

- Before you perish

- Yes, Nick.

Give me my

Ohyeah.

Oh, no! My Ohyeah.

No, yeah

And we're back!

Wait, where am I? Is this my old room?

No, please! Please, don't k*ll me!

What do you want? A signed poster?

A handful of my pubes?

Joke's on you!

I'm as smooth as a vase down there!

Still no bush, huh, Nick?

Jay, what are you doing in my house?

I live here, bro.

I'm the chieftain of a sex tribe

that fucks and sucks

all over your childhood home.

And also, I'm jacked!

That's all very upsetting.

Jay! Where are those human organs?

- Okay

- I'm literally starving!

Funny story,

I found you when I was out scavenging

for people to f*ck and eat.

Not necessarily in that order.

Wow, I can't believe

you two are still together.

- Thirty years strong, bro.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's right.

I mean, I'll be honest,

we've had our rough patches.

- No, he's talking about my back skin.

- Yeah.

Since there's no ozone layer,

I tan like a f*cking rhino.

Whoa. Wait, where's my family?

Oh, they're getting pounded

out on the patio.

You have to see what we've done

with the place.

Welcome to Shag-ri-la!

We share everything:

our food, our possessions, our bodies.

We're a real cum-munist fucktopia!

Nick?

Diane. Elliot.

Oh, oh, that's right.

I forgot.

You don't like to be touched.

We can fist bump.

Hello, Nicholas.

Okay, Dad, you can give me one hug.

No, no, no. I respect your boundaries,

and these days,

I get all the affection I need from Jay.

Ah! Come here, Papa.

Oh, dear Lord.

Okay, I don't suppose any

of you have any Ohyeah.

What? Nick, come on, man!

We don't do that synthetic garbage here.

Yeah, we f*ck like our forefathers did,

and by that,

I mean that I've narrowed it down

to four men who could be my father.

Oh, God. What time is it?

Did I miss Missy's funeral?

No, we're all going right now

in my k*ll car. It's a Jetta. It's cute.

It's good for zippin' around

and mowing down human roadkill.

Shotgun! Uh-huh!

- Elliot. Diane.

- Yeah.

What if the world was ending,

but only one of you could survive?

What would you do?

Oh, is this one of your

"Countdown to Something" games?

We only watched the first season.

No, it's a real question.

I would gladly sacrifice myself

for your mother.

Oh, Elliot, you wouldn't need to

because I would never leave you.

- I see.

- We had this very conversation last night.

Right before Jay gave us

the deep-dicking of our lives.

It's true. Your mother got a nose bleed.

Uh-huh. From the d*ck going so deep.

Yes, kudos to Jay.

You guys! Let's roll!

Yeah, let's go to that funeral.

The end is nigh.

Come join us in Juddstown.

Nick Starr.

Hey there, someone from my grade.

- My name is Caleb.

- How are you?

You had plastic surgery.

Ho-ho! Thanks for watching.

Where is she? Where's Jessi?

Nick! Nick Starr!

That's my name, leave me alone.

Oh, my famous old friend!

I tell a lot of people that I know you

all the time.

And I had a robot of you that d*ed.

Aw. Thank you.

Listen, Nick,

would you meet someone right now?

No, no, no.

Andrew Jr., this is Nick Starr.

Nick is famous, and he knows me.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Starr.

No, Maury,

I'm not gonna jerk off at a funeral.

Oh, dear Lord.

Is that what we were like at his age?

No, I actually did jerk off at a funeral.

These kids today, they're cowards.

Honey, the funeral's about to start.

Hello, I'm Nick Starr.

I know, Nick. It's me, Gina.

Gina! You look like a mom.

That's because I am a mom.

Yeah, I can see that.

m*therf*cker.

Well, I'm gonna go get us some seats,

but, Nick, it's been nice

to look into your dead eyes

and see nothing but profound loneliness.

Aw, well, thanks for watching.

And that was Gina.

She had marvelous breasts

when we were children.

I can't believe you married her.

Well, we invited you to the wedding,

but you wanted an appearance fee,

and, you know, we couldn't afford it.

So you have no money,

and this makes you sad?

Surprisingly, no.

I mean, I have a great wife

and that f*cking son

- and a solid job working for Ohyeah.

- Hold on.

I mean, I know I'm not the spokesman

or anything, but

- Freeze image. Rewind.

- What?

- What was that about Ohyeah?

- I've worked there for 20 years.

Are you holding?

Do you have any on you? I need some.

Oh, Nick Starr needs a favor from me.

Listen to me, you middle-class c**t,

get me the f*cking Ohyeah now!

Don't worry, I can get it.

Just give me two minutes.

By the way, ooh-la-la, "middle class"!

It feels like just yesterday

I was on a school trip

to the 9/11 Museum with Missy.

That's because the next morning, I was

kicked in the head by a jealous horse,

and I just woke up. So

The horse was jealous

'cause Steve had a bigger cock.

Oh, my God, horses love drama.

Oh, sh*t, it's Jessi.

She looks abso-boobly breast-taking.

Excuse me.

Jessi! Jessi Glaser!

- Hey.

- It's me, Nick Starr.

Yeah, I'm not calling you that.

You better call me on the phone or don't

call me at all!

Nick Starr for Samsung!

Dude, can you please lose

that stupid voice?

Uh, is this my voice?

- Just talk like yourself.

- Oh, no, she di'n't!

- Stop it!

- Ow!

- What was that for?

- There! That's the real Nick Birch.

- The real Nick Birch!

- God, no! Be you!

Ow!

Okay, I'm Nick Birch.

Stop being that f*cking money zombie.

So, you're against money zombies?

Can't you tell?

That's why I shaved off half my hair.

- It looks good.

- Thank you.

It's, uh It's nice to see you.

I don't think we've talked since

That day in the city when you were

a real assh*le to me?

- Yeah, I think I had a crush on you.

- You did?

And I, for whatever reason,

was jealous of

- Michael Angelo?

- Michael Angelo.

- Yeah.

- I know, he was such a poser.

He was, wasn't he?

Yeah, he really f*cked me up

in the old romance department.

Ooh, not my favorite department.

I just wish you had told me

you liked me all those years ago,

'cause things might have been different.

Jessi, but what if

it could be different now?

What if I told you

everything was about to change?

What are you talking about?

Look, I didn't come here

for Missy's funeral.

- I came here to see you.

- Really?

The world is ending, Jessi.

No sh*t.

Why do you think I shaved my head?

No, like, today! f*cking ASAP.

- The Earth's core is about to explode.

- Oh, my God.

But I have a way for you and I to survive.

You just have to let me

stick this pill up your butt.

I've fallen for that before. I'm

I'm not joking around, Jessi!

There is an ark leaving,

and this is the ticket.

But what about everybody else?

Jessi, I wish I could save everybody

- No, you don't.

- I know.

But I can only bring one person,

and I wanna bring you.

It's always been you.

Oh, my God.

And it's always been you.

Yeah. Right?

Okay. Stick the pill up my butt.

Turn around.

- Wow.

- What is so funny?

This hallway is where we had

our first horrible kiss 30 years ago.

Jessi, you really should stop talking

and just kinda relax.

You keep pushing it back out.

So in the end,

I have to believe Missy understood

that the bra was to hold radishes.

I did not wear the bra.

One cup of raw, unstrained Ohyeah

for my best bud.

Oh, yeah. This is fresh!

Where'd you get this?

I made it.

I I don't understand.

Ohyeah is my jizz. You inhale my jizz.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

People of Earth, if you are seeing this,

I was m*rder*d

because I knew too much.

Ooh, plot twist.

My life's work, Project Earthseed,

was supposed to save all of humanity,

but the disgustingly rich took it over,

and now they just want to save themselves.

You get your g*dd*mn hands off my pubes,

ya filthy toilet person, down there,

under here with my pubic hair there.

You see, this world is ending

much sooner than we predicted.

How much sooner do you think she means?

Today.

I f*cking knew it.

It's all over today.

Okay, so we still got

a couple days, though.

But there is a space ark

departing from

Shkreli International Airport.

Oh, no.

Go there. Save yourselves!

Everyone should have a chance

for survival, not just the privileged few.

Or Or

Or the privileged few could keep talking

and buy time as they walk out backwards

Get him!

Run, Nick, run!

No! No!

See? It's not that big!

Oh!

Chaos reigns!

Nick, wait! Take us with you!

Yeah, I wanna be the first chick

to sh*t on the moon!

Oh, go f*ck my parents and die!

Ugh. That's a pretty sick burn,

you gotta give it to him.

The world's about to end!

You gotta give it to me!

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!

Cantor Dina?

- Where are you going?

- To make sure we get to that ark!

Oink, oink ♪

That'll do, pig!

That's one way to b*at the lines.

Jessi, did you hear the cool thing I said?

- We have tickets!

- Let me through!

I'm on TV!

And one movie.

It was such a good experience.

It was like camp. We just played.

Nick Starr?

Oh, I'm sorry to be that person.

Would it be a pain if we took a selfie?

- Okay.

- You don't sound too excited about it.

Do you want the picture or not?

Ooh, four out-of-order episodes

of My Name is Earl.

Turn that off.

I think we can entertain ourselves.

I've waited a long time for this.

Hey.

Hey.

- Wait, there's

- What?

- There's something I have to tell you.

- What?

I've only ever used Ohyeah.

I'm I'm a virgin.

Not for long.

Well, well, well! That last kick

knocked my brain right into place.

And now that I'm very intelligent,

I know how to save the Earth.

But first, I must show my big fat

stomach finger to this horse.

Hey, David, look at this

Oh! Oh, my God.

Lola, I love you so much!

I think we should break up, Jay!

- f*ck!

- Oh!

Okay, let's all die together

as a family.

Ooh, good call, Maury.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna die upstairs

in my room with the door locked.

Bye-bye. Don't come in.

- Is he going to

- Like father, like son.

- Should we?

- You know it, baby.

Um

Is everything all right?

Yeah, sorry, just first time jitters.

You know, the world just ended,

so my head's a little all over the place.

But, hey, maybe we should

take the pressure off?

- Watch a little Earl or

- Ugh, forget it!

- Next time will be better, I promise.

- Oh-ho, Nick.

There won't be a next time.

I don't understand.

What are you talking about?

I was just stroking your pathetic ego

to get on the ark

so I can blow you

and the rest of these rich dicks to hell.

What about all the kissing stuff?

What was that about?

- I just wanted to get off one last time.

- What?

And who knows, if you'd

f*cked me right, we might have all lived.

Oh, boy, that hurts my feelings.

You won't tell your friends

or anything, right?

Ciao, Nick.

You're a bad person who can't f*ck.

- Oh, boy.

- Now get ready to play

Countdown to Death!

Oh, God. What do I do? What do I do?

Nick, you need to save yourself.

Yes! Save myself!

Ugh!

For the toilet people!

There's no one left.

I'm alone.

I'm all alone.

You're not all alone, Nick

- Who's there? Who are you?

- It's me, silly.

Oh, God, you're Tito,

the Anxiety Mosquito.

And you're Nick Birch.

You're sitting on a bus right now,

freaking the f*ck out!

Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪

- Oh, thank God, it wasn't real.

- Are you sure?

- Felt pretty real to me.

- What the no! No, not you again!

- That's right!

- We're back!

Oh, no! What am I gonna do?

Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Rick, what are you doing here?

They brought me out of retirement.

I'm back, baby!

But we were back first!

Nah, man. You're not back.

I'm back. You're a bug.

You're my hormone monster again?

Oh, f*ck me!

All right, man,

but I heard you're bad at sex.

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

"Good at Bizness."

- Chirp.

- Fathouse.