02x04 - Between You and Me

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, God, I gotta pee.

Then stop drinking so much water.

Because I have so much dust
in my throat.

- Well, then, drink some water.
- Okay.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- What?

Is my phone in my bag?

- What?
- My phone.

Can you look in my bag
and see if my phone is there?

No, I don't see it.

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*cking f*ck!

I think I might have left it back there.

- What?
- Yeah.

You wouldn't do that. Why would you?

- I don't know.
- You must have it somewhere.

I don't. I f*cking don't, Judy.
We have to go back.

Oh, my God, what if I left it in the hole?

- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God.

- Wait, I'll call it.
- No, don't f*cking call it!

- Why not?
- Are you f*cking insane?

- Why?
- If it rings in the hole,

it's like a megaphone saying,

"Hey everybody,
there's a f*cking body in here!"

- You're right, that's insane.
- This is a disaster.

This is a f*cking disaster! This is a...
Oh, here it is.

We're fine.

Fine.

Oh, my God, is that for us?

Is it?

How could it not be? It's right behind us.

I know. Um...

I hate to say this, but we are

two middle-aged white women
in a Mercedes.

I know, and I appreciate you
acknowledging your privilege,

but we also just buried a body.

Which nobody knows about.

Pull over.

sh*t.

We have shovels in the car.

We were gardening.

Oh, God, in the forest?

How do you think
forest people get their food?

Well, what, were we planting fruit trees
in the forest?

Berries for foraging. Foraging!

Say we were planting berries for foraging.

We're berry planters. Got it. Oh, God.

- What kind of berries?
- I don't know. Raspberries?

It's not raspberry season.

- Forget it, okay? Just don't say a word.
- Okay.

- Don't say anything, Judy.
- Okay, I won't.

Maybe I should just g*n it.

- You can't g*n it.
- No, I think...

- Hi.
- How are you?

Was it worth it?

- What?
- What was? Was what?

You committed a crime.

N-no.

You're driving.

As soon as that phone is in your hand,
you're committing a crime.

Oh.

- I didn't know that.
- What was so important

you had to look at it while driving?

- GPS.
- The...

- Yeah, the maps.
- Yeah.

I couldn't...

You don't need the GPS.
I can tell you where you are.

Up sh*t's creek.

I'm just messing with you.

You're getting a ticket, though.

Oh.

- You should've seen your face.
- A ticket.

- Silly Willy McGilly.
- License and registration.

Yep, yep.

You really can't wait till a hotel?

I've been holding it in for six hours.

Excuse me. Um...

Uh, what... what kind of pie is that one?

Cherry.

Is it, um... is it good?

It's cherry.

Well, cherry can be shitty,
but what about that? What's...

Cherry.

Oh, okay.
I guess I'm gonna have the cherry.

I can't f*cking believe we got a ticket.
Now there's record we were here.

f*cking Shandy.

This pie is really dry.

- You want some?
- No.

Oh, man.

It's just like, everything hurts.

It feels like my spine is trying
to claw its way out of my back.

You sure you're not hungry
or anything? They have waffles.

I'm not hungry.

Look...

I feel bad that we couldn't attend

to the more spiritual tidbits
that you wanted

to include in what we just did, but...

we couldn't risk getting caught, Judy.

I mean, we really had
to get in and out, right?

I mean, yeah, right.

But it took a really long time.
It's not like we just got in and got out.

- Right, we had to...
- Refill?

Yes, please. Thank you, Marva.

Marva, could I get
some whipped cream for this?

It's a little dry. Thank you.

Look, all I'm saying is that
we just didn't have time to, like,

dilly-dally.

- I wasn't trying to dilly-dally.
- You know what I mean.

I just wanted to sing a song for Steve
or maybe say a few things.

I know.

But we didn't know who was out there
or who could hear us.

Okay, so I'm sorry if I got a little rigid

'cause we couldn't stop
to sing "Halle-f*cking-lujah."

Just so you know...

Thank you.

I wasn't gonna sing that song.

I know it's played out.

I just wanted to give...

give the moment a sense of occasion.

This is what I'm saying, Judy.

Not everything is a f*cking, like,

Disney-movie's-about-to-start f*cking
castles with f*cking sparkle time, okay?

We are not in Snow White here.

We are in f*cking Scarface.

Well, I've never seen that.

Neither have I. No girls have.

But we know what it's about.

Really?

She did that on purpose.

Shouldn't we have stopped
someplace less fancy?

It's just a shower pit stop.

I know, but I didn't have time to
Trufflepig my way through Priceline, okay?

I just...
I can't handle this level of dirty.

I feel like a frat house toilet.

You think we're gonna get a room?
It's so last-minute.

It's the middle of nowhere.
No one stays here.

I'm sorry,
we don't have anything available.

What's that now?

We have a wedding this weekend,
so we're all booked up. I'm sorry.

Okay, you literally don't have anything?

Hmm.

Yeah, thought so.

Oh! Actually, I can offer you
our presidential suite.

It's a two-night minimum, but the rate...

I don't want to know. We'll take it.

I got this, okay? My treat.

Are you ladies in town
for business or pleasure?

- Pleasure.
- Business.

- Business.
- Pleasure.

No, it's just a gals' weekend
with my best friend.

My befri.

Right?

Yeah.

Who the f*ck gets married
in Antelope Valley?

People from Antelope Valley?

Oh, I guess.

- Jen.
- Jeff.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi, Jeff.

Hello, Jen.

Judy, this is...
You know my neighbor Karen?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, this is her husband Jeff.

- Oh, wow, Karen is so nice.
- Yeah. So hi.

- Yeah, she's great.
- Is she here?

- Uh, no, no, no.
- Bummer, bummer, bummer. Okay, all right.

Yeah, it's just a business trip, so...

- Great.
- You here for the wedding?

- No, we're having a girls' weekend.
- Oh, fun.

- I got our coffees, babe.
- Oh.

- "Babe."
- Thank you.

Jen, listen, could you...

- ...maybe not...
- Yep. All good. Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Yep. Nope.

The only reason that I even put...

- We were never here.
- Sure.

- It doesn't have to go that far.
- Okay, bye-bye.

Thank you, I just... thank... oh, f*ck.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe we did that.

We still have to deal with his car, but...

I think that...

I feel like we might be okay.

I guess so.

- Do you want to take a shower first?
- No.

Want to get out
of those dirty clothes or...

do you just want to stare
out the window weirdly?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey. Is there power?

Yeah, it just came back on.

Oh, well, that's good.

Well, not f*cking really. Now Henry,
Christopher, and Henry's weird friend

are dancing around
to Jesus Christ Superstar.

Okay, you know what? Language, Charlie.

Don't denigrate Jesus Christ Superstar.
It's a great f*cking show.

Whatever. I don't even know
why Christopher's here.

We would've been fine on our own.
Now they're driving me f*cking crazy.

You know what?
Why don't you go out for a walk

and say "f*ck" outside instead
of sitting there, moping around?

It's 100 degrees out.
I can't walk anywhere.

This is why I need a car.

With climate change,
it's only getting more urgent.

Oh, wow, well, thank you
for mansplaining to me

why you are the most affected
by climate change.

Charlie, you're going to get a car
soon enough.

But for now, like I said,

you're getting Dad's bike.

Well, when is that gonna happen?

Uh, when I have time to go
to the storage unit,

- which is a whole thing.
- Whatever.

Look, we, um...

...we'll be back tomorrow
from Judy's sick aunt's place.

She was kind of touch-and-go here,

- but I think she's gonna pull through.
- Great.

Okay, well, love you. Bye.

Wait, did you say you loved me enough
to buy me a car?

No, I said I love you. Bye.

Hey, I just need to plug in my phone.
It's dying already.

So, how are we?

We're okay.

Okay, yeah.

I know...

last night was a lot, but I...

I just feel like we're
on the other side of it, Jude.

Is there, um, anything

I can get you or, just, like...

Want me to get you a spa service,
like a nice massage or something?

Oh, look at that.
TripAdvisor gives it almost three stars.

Don't know why you would print that.

No, thank you.

You want a mani-pedi? No?

I'm not really in the mood.
Sorry if that's bothering you.

Jesus, Judy.
You're not bothering me. Okay?

Are you mad at me?

Because it's okay to be mad at me.

No, I'm not.

Okay, well, can you please
just tell me what to do here?

Because you're the nice one
and I'm the shitty one,

so just tell me how I can do
something nice for you.

Because you're scaring me a little.

I just don't really feel
like talking right now.

Okay.

I think I'm just really tired

from six hours of digging a hole
in the forest

that ended with dumping my ex-fiancé
in that hole.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Hey. Hey.

You up?

I am now.

What's going on?

Um, I, uh, have an idea.

There's, uh...

There's a bar down in the lobby called
Whispers and Winks,

and I just thought maybe...

we could go down and...

do a toast to...

to Steve.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, isn't that what people do
after a burial?

Right?

Commiserate, drink...

Let it all out.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Did you say "Whiskers and Wings"?

No, why would it be "Whiskers"?
No, it's "Whispers."

- Oh.
- And "Winks," like psst! Psst! Psst!

I am gonna need you to shower, though.

- 'Cause...
- Yeah?

Just 'cause...

I stink?

Mm, you just...
You just look dumb in those clothes.

They're yours.

Hi.

Hi. What can I get you?

Uh, we'll get two double scotches. Okay.

If you're with the wedding party,
it's open bar.

Oh, we're actually...

The bride is my second cousin, so, yeah,
we'll just get the Johnnie Walker Blue.

Thank you.

- It's pretty loud.
- It's a bar.

Thank you.

Thank you.

To Steve.

To Steve.

Um...

Do you want to say something about him?

This isn't really what I was imagining,
so I don't...

Okay.

I don't really know what to say.

Well, um...

He was very good-looking.

- He was more than that.
- Right, of course.

- You didn't really know him.
- No, I didn't.

He was very thoughtful...

and sweet.

- Okay.
- He was.

Okay.

He used to always do these little things
for me to make me feel special.

Aww.

Even the way he proposed.

Yeah? What, um...

How did he propose?

- With a flash mob.
- Oh.

Aw, that's... that's so fun.

I thought we were just going to the beach
for the day,

but then 200 people jumped up...

and did this whole choreographed thing
to Cyndi Lauper.

That's very thoughtful.

He really had a soft side
that he didn't show a lot of people.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

I know you didn't like him.

You have every reason not to.

I know who he was.

I get it.

But I loved him.

He was the first person who ever...

really made me feel loved.

He wasn't always perfect.

But he was my person.

No, I know.

No, I...

I know what you mean.

Hmm.

What?

- What?
- No...

There's this thing I always wanted
to tell you, and I just never...

never felt like it was the right time.

- What?
- I don't know, just forget it.

No, you can't tell me you have something
to tell me and then not tell me.

- Yeah, I hate when people do that.
- It's annoying.

- It is.
- So just tell me.

Okay.

The morning after we...

hit Ted...

I woke up, and...

Steve wasn't in bed,
so I went looking around for him...

and I found him at our favorite spot
by the beach.

And he was just sitting on the wet sand.

He was crying like a little kid.

It's not that he didn't care
about what happened.

He was gutted by it, but I just don't
think that he was able to...

...show his feelings, you know?

Mm-hmm.

But I think he felt safe at the beach,

and that's why I kind of wanted us
to take him there...

and put him to rest.

Yeah, I get it.

I just wanted...

I just...

I just wanted to say goodbye to him.

He always took such good care of me.

I just wanted to do something for him,
too.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You deserve to say goodbye.

I got to do it with Ted, and...

Just, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no.
- It's not fair.

- Don't cry. I don't want you to feel bad.
- You don't have to take care of me.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't take care of me.

I can do whatever I want.

It's why Steve loved you.

Because you are...

...you are, like, the kindest person maybe
in the whole f*cking world.

I love you so much.

I really do.

I love you so much.

Will you be my person?

Yes. I'll be your person.

- Hey, there.
- Oh.

Do you guys want to dance?

- Oh! No, thank you.
- What the...

- You sure?
- Oh, my God, excuse me.

Do you see that we're
in the middle of something here?

Does it look like my friend wants
to f*cking dance?

Read the room, fucko.

What in the hell is f*cking wrong
with people?

Seriously!

- Oh!
- Poor guy, he just wanted to dance.

My God.

"Those girls look like
they might k*ll themselves.

Maybe they want to get a nice jig in
before they jump off the bridge."

What an assh*le.

He really is.

Oh, God.

I do actually kind of feel like dancing.

- What?
- I don't know.

- With that guy?
- No, no. With you.

With me. Okay.

Okay.

Here.

♪ Do you remember there was a time ♪

♪ When people on the street... ♪

- Champagne.
- ♪ Were walking hand in hand in hand... ♪

Thank you.

♪ They used to talk about the weather ♪

♪ Making plans together ♪

♪ Days would last forever ♪

♪ Come to me, cover me, hold me ♪

- Ooh.
- Whoo!

♪ Together we'll break these
Chains of love ♪

♪ Don't give up, don't give up ♪

♪ Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love ♪

♪ Together we'll break these
Chains of love ♪

♪ Don't give up, don't give up ♪

♪ Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Oh-ho-ho! My God, wait.
How have we not talked about Jeff?

Jeff! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, poor Karen!

I feel so terrible for Karen,
and I don't even like Karen.

- Okay?
- Okay, wait, is there any world

where we think that those two guys
are business partners?

- Judy.
- What?

Judy.

- No?
- Those guys are joined at the d*ck.

- Aww! To Karen.
- Oh, to Karen!

- Whoo! Can we have two more, please?
- Um... yes.

Yeah, I know you're not
with the wedding party.

- Excuse me?
- What?

You owe me $83.

What?

Douche.

And get the f*ck out.

Psst, psst, psst.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, Christ...

Hello.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Oh, sh*t.

Are we sure that it's the bird?

That it's our bird?

Henry is sure.

What happened?

Everyone was having a fun time.

Then I stepped in here for two minutes
to make lemon ricotta pancakes,

and as I was grating the zest,

I heard a scream, and I was too late.
The bird was already dead.

Okay, but how?

Um...

The dog did it.

Probably just animal instinct.

- I am so sorry, Jen.
- Oh, God.

I told Alan she needed
to be professionally trained.

But you know what? This is not like her.
Adele is not aggressive.

I mean, she is a snob.

She won't wear synthetics.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay, baby. It's okay to be sad.

I just...

I just wish I knew it was the last time
I was gonna play with the bird.

I would have said goodbye.

You can still say goodbye.

In your hands, O Lord,

we humbly entrust our brothers, sisters,

and birds.

In this life, you embrace them
with your tender love.

So now, deliver them from evil

and bid them eternal rest.

Let us find in you comfort in our sadness

and the courage
to move through this together.

Amen.

Judy, would you mind singing something?

Yeah, would you?

Sure.

♪ Stars shining bright above you ♪

♪ Night breezes seem to whisper ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Birds singing in the sycamore tree ♪

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

I love you.

♪ Say nighty-night and kiss me ♪

♪ Just hold me tight and tell me ♪

♪ You'll miss me ♪

I missed you.

♪ While I'm alone
And blue as can be ♪

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

♪ Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you ♪

♪ Sweet dreams that leave all worries
Behind you ♪

Drive the car, stupid!

f*cking listen. Don't be so sensitive!

♪ But in your dreams, whatever they be ♪

♪ Please dream a little dream of me ♪

Hi, Jen.

Hi.

We're so sorry to bother you.

Oh, it's all right.

Hi, Shandy.

I hope we didn't wake you
from your slumbers.

No, it's eight o'clock.
I wasn't slumbering.

Shandy has something to say.

Don't you?

It's regarding the bird.

Okay.

I k*lled it.

Oh, you did.

I was trying to stop it from flying away.

But I guess I squeezed it too hard.

I didn't realize birds were mostly liquid.

- Hmm.
- But it was an accident.

Right?

Yes.

- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- I'm so sorry.

I really appreciate how much
you've been letting Shandy come over.

I hope this doesn't change anything.

She needs friends.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Uh, let's let Jen get back to her evening.

Thanks.

I just...
I wish I didn't have to tell Henry.

He's my best friend,
and I don't want to lose him.

You know what?

You don't have to tell him.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's okay.

I think sometimes people need a friend

more than they need the truth.

- Seriously, Shandy!
- You can go now.

♪ Say nighty-night and kiss me ♪

♪ Just hold me tight and tell me
You'll miss me ♪

♪ While I'm alone
And blue as can be ♪

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

♪ Stars fading, but I linger on, dear ♪

♪ Still craving your kiss ♪

♪ I'm longing
To linger till dawn, dear ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ Just saying this ♪

♪ Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you ♪

♪ Sweet dreams that leave all worries
Behind you ♪

♪ But in your dreams whatever they be ♪

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

Night.

Sleep well.

Holy sh*t.

f*ck, yeah, Mom!