04x09 - Turn Table Turn

[bunniefuu]

♪ The animals the animals ♪

♪ Trapped trapped trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

A surprising development
in the Judy King saga.

This photo leaked from inside
Litchfield Correctional Facility

- catches the queen of cuisine
- Yo!

in a romantic embrace
with an African-American inmate.

This undermines the allegations of racism

that have been swirling
since the discovery

of an offensive 1983 cable access video.

The identity of the inmate
remains unknown.

That's what I'm talking about! Ooh!

Okay, y'all, so what y'all gonna do
with y'all's cash money?

Yo, I'm gonna take my girl to Amsterdam.

Rent a bounce house
in the shape of a frog.

I'm gonna follow D'Angelo around

like them white people
be following that band Phish,

where they spell the word "fish" wrong.

What about you, Watson?

Ah, you know,

probably spend most of it on rims.

Y'all, we didn't think this sh*t through.

Man, stop crying about it already.

You were so hyped about being famous and...

Okay, first of all,

some brown puffs are famous, not me.

And two... how do you think
this gonna play upstairs?

Are you talking about... God?

I'm talking about Caputo.

Yo. Don't even worry about it, man.
We got Judy on our side.

Y'all still ain't getting it, are you?

She used us.

Now she out there
looking post-racial and sh*t,

and I'm about to get
a boot up my black ass.

Lesbians.

Am I right?

What the hell is this?

Anyone want to fill me in?

Who was on Judy King duty today?

It was me. But she told me to get lost.

She said she doesn't need
a babysitter anymore.

Well, I can see why.

I tried to stay,
but she got really irritated,

- and Caputo told us to keep her happy...
- As far as I'm concerned,

she's his problem to deal with now,

but what I want to know
is how this photo got out.

Hey, you know inmates.
Always up to something.

Right.

Well, guess what time it is, people.

It's time for a phone sweep.

Oh, no, sir, I don't think that'll help.

You know, they hide their sh*t in, like,
places you wouldn't think to look.

- Well, start thinking. And looking.
- Okay.

You're talking about dismantling
every electrical appliance,

lifting up ceiling tiles
and getting in the HVAC system.

Snaking the drains,
tearing apart all the mattresses.

I... I hear they hide their sh*t in sh*t,
like in the porta potties.

For real. It's nasty.

Oh, sorry.

I... I didn't realize this was going to be
hard. You know what?

Instead, let's just go over to my place
and watch Bachelorette.

Why don't you head this one up, Luschek?

Think of it as your chance to impress me.

Oh, and one more thing.

C.O. Mooney down at max
says the SHU's almost full.

There's one or two cells left. That's it.

Which means we can't
be sending people down there

all willy-nilly, pell-mell.

So, what are we supposed to do?

Go freestyle.

I put that doughnut in my pants.

Now, there's a bunch of white girls
pushing back on us in the TV room.

We gave them Tuesday night, straight up.

Now they asking
for an extra hour on Thursday

so that they can watch
something called Bones,"

which is about a lady named Bones,
apparently.

Give it to them.

You're just gonna bend like that?

We got power now.
We can't be petty and sh*t.

They come to us, we should be reasonable.

Also, I want order in the cafeteria.

Don't be marching in there
taking people's tables.

- That ain't fair.
- We got to sit.

So, pick out a couple of tables.

Make them our tables.
Anybody sits there, it's trouble.

They sit somewhere else,
we leave them alone. You hear me?

We don't need the C.O.'s
looking at us all the time.

Anybody else?

Okay, we're done.

Oh. And if that Moroccan tweaker doesn't
pay us today,

we start breaking fingers.

Dibs.

Yo.

The stop and frisk is bullshit.

I hear you,
but they ain't gonna find anything.

It's no problem.

And take a shower, man.

You smell like a skunk
that OD'd on vinegar and d*ed.

There's a lot of us.

Go now. There's no lines.

I'll cover for you in the kitchen.

Bianca?

Bianca?

Bianca!

Yes, missus?

I'm hungry.

I was in the shower.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

I got hungry.

And heat that soup up
on the stove, not the microwave!

It makes it taste different.

Margaret called.

Oh.

Too busy to talk to her own mother
more than once a week.

And then when she does call,

she won't stop harping
on the nursing home.

You can't call a structure
covered in spray-on stucco

"Golden" anything.

I'm speaking to you.
Please don't stand there like a half-wit.

She worries about you.

Oh, not about me. About herself.

She wants to get her hands on this house.

Pack me off to watch
Wheel of Fortune and drool

with other unloved, old people.

No, thank you.

She seemed nice.

Of course she did.
You only met her that one time.

That's how she acts, you know.

"Oh, I... I want you to have doctors nearby

in case you need them."

It's all for show.

What do you tell her?

Same as usual.
I'm staying right here in my own home.

Go take a long walk on a short pier.

And I have you. That's all I need.

Who's that?

A bit of a hood for my taste,

but, uh, Patty from church

says he worked wonders with her shrubs.

This soup is terrible.

I'm starving, but the thought
of actually eating makes me want to yurg.

Well, maybe it's because this food

looks like something
a walrus would regurgitate

- to feed its least favorite baby.
- I can't...

You know what?
I don't mind it so much anymore.

I did grow up eating mushy food

because my mother had the weak teeth,
you realize.

Is it, like, super bright in here?

Do you know what I want?

A burger.

From Shake Shack.

I legit just, like,
teared up a little bit.

Seared on the grill with tomato
and melted cheese.

On a fresh... soft... potato roll.

With a milkshake.

No, don't get greedy.

It's my fantasy.

And I can have a milkshake
with a side of Cate Blanchett.

My veins hurt right now
and you're thinking about sex?

No, dummy.

I want someone to massage my head.

And she looks like she'd have
really cool fingers.

Hey, there.

You're really being a bit of a downer.

I'm sorry.

Is my mood not up to your standards?

No one asked you to plop yourself down
right in front of me.

I'm sitting here 'cause we're girlfriends.

Okay, is that what we are now?

You need to stop blaming me
for finding someone, hon.

Mm-hmm.

It's not like my feelings for you
just went away.

But I didn't just jump into
the first pair of mooky pants

that came along.

I have no idea what you did.

But you sure as f*ck did something

because you can't keep
your head up right now.

Don't try to change the subject, okay?

It's been, like, months.

I mean, how do you even meet someone,
let alone...

- Okay, stop. Stop it.
- marry?

Stop it.

You left. You were the one who left.

All right? I didn't know
if you were coming back.

And it's your fault

because you love heroin
more than you love me.

For your information,
I was clean at the time,

you peanut-brained, fickle-hearted whore.

So... how is everyone?

Oh, you know...

pretty awesome.

She's on dr*gs, Red.

Just take a look at her.

She's smacked out of her gourd.

What, are we all gonna pretend
this isn't happening?

Feels like a yes.

Food stays in the cafeteria, Sister.
You know that.

I'll do what I want, you moron.

You f*cking moron.

I think your blood sugar
might be off again, Sister.

Oh, you think?

With your teeny, tiny brain.

Look, just take it, okay?

And don't tell anyone.

You know, if you're gonna poop
in the shower,

at least you could plan ahead.

Like, do it in a shower cap
and take it with you after.

Just common decency.

But you wouldn't know anything about that,
would you?

I mean, I know for some people,

dr*gs is the most important thing,
but guess what?

For the rest of us,

we have feelings and noses
and gag reflexes.

And janitorial has had enough
without you leaving your mess behind

once you found
what you've been looking for.

And I think you might have worms,

so deal with that.

Okay, g*n to your head...

do you run over an old lady,

or do you turn the wheel
and crash yourself into a wall?

How old is the old lady?

Seventy-six.

No. Seventy-two.

How's her health?

- You know, it's been better.
- Mm-hmm.

But she's all there in her head, you know?
She does puzzles and sh*t.

I think I mow her down.

Me too.

g*n to your head...

- Do you eat ten dead flies...
- Ugh!

- or an alive baby mouse?
- Mm!

- Flies for sure.
- Gross!

The wings would stick to your tongue
and your tonsils and everything.

Yeah, but at least it wouldn't be
wiggling no more.

A baby mouse is like a big jellybean.

I would just swallow it whole.

Speaking of flies on the wall.

Hey, watch out for this one.
She's more than meets the eye.

Mm, I don't know about that.

I mean, we've been friends
for a long time,

and as far as I can see,
it's all pretty much right here.

Hmm. I guess you don't know her like I do.

Did you get the money?

No. They did not send the check yet.

And I think he knows.

He's toying with me.

Ordered me to search for a phone
that's currently in my pocket.

No, I don't think that man toys.

I have a shifty face. I can't help it.

I come from shifty-faced people.

I invite suspicion
even when I'm not guilty.

Man, if they trace this thing
to my f*cking number...

Joel.

They are just a bunch of bozos
who failed police academy.

They've been to w*r.

Inside Weekly has a vested interest
in protecting their sources.

You know, I ought to tell you,

this pissing in your pants thing
is kind of a turn-off.

Well, at least there's that.

Officer Williams,
inmate services, extension 2365.

Demarco. It's Italian, right?

No. I'm 100% Hispanic.
Don't let the classical features fool you.

I could be up to anything.

Okay.

Take your time.

Ay, caramba.

Jesus Christ, inmate.

I'm going, okay?

Yeah, get out of here.
Maybe boil those clothes.

I can't understand what you're saying.
It's rude.

Let's get you in the car, okay?

Careful.

Bianca!

Why are you loitering?

Let's go.

Just a minute.

I'm waiting! Get in the car!

Score.

That's six phones for me.

This is new.

It's my me time.

You get out in two days.

You're gonna have
"all you can eat" me time.

And I'm gonna need it
the way you're up in my ass in here.

Look, just 'cause I'm getting out
don't mean we're gonna get

all kumbaya and sh*t right now, okay?

There's gonna be no crying

or making each other friendship bracelets
or whatever.

I just thought we could hang out.

Burn your ugly face into my brain

so I can remember you
when it's too peaceful around here.

Please.

Don't pretend like you ain't gonna be
relieved when I'm gone.

Oh, trust.

It's gonna be a party when that van door
closes on your ass.

But you're still my mom.

I'm gonna miss you.

Listen, we're grown-ups.

It is what it is.

Tell me what you know about this.

Mm. Nothing.

What? You think that's me?

Let's call it a hunch.

All right, how about you let me take this,
okay, hon bun?

Now, we are both as upset as you are
about this. I can assure you.

You know, we have done our best
with very limited resources...

- to try and make you comfortable here.
- No, I appreciate that.

I really do.

- Mnh-mnh.
- And you repay us by staging and selling

this crazy photo.

Look, I... I don't want to sound
like I'm full of myself,

but, you know, there are people out there,

and in here, in this case,

who are interested in taking pictures
of celebrities.

Even minor ones such as myself.

Mm-hmm. It ain't her fault
the paps after her like a Jolie-Pitt baby.

You're saying you had no knowledge
of this photo being taken?

I'm just living my life, Mr. Caputo.

And while I am aware
that a jailhouse romance is discouraged,

sometimes...

you just can't fight your passions.

Now, I'm sure that you are no stranger
to the vagaries of love.

Jesus, Judy, give me a break here.

The heart wants what it wants.

And you're telling me...

that your heart wants...

her?

What, you ain't ever heard of
a May-December romance before?

I think it's more like June-October.

Mm.

I'm the sexy arm candy here,
and Judy pants is my aging playboy.

Ah.

It's classic.

I hear you walk out of here
and went your separate ways,

I will come down on both of you
like the wrath of Khan.

Like in Star Trek?

I mean God. The wrath of God.
This better be the real thing.

This is a lot of pressure
to put on a new relationship.

In your case, I'm sure it'll just bring
the two of you closer together.

I think so, yes.

My girl.

Please leave.

I guess I could grab a beverage
while we're waiting.

I ain't telling you what to do,

but I kind of feel like staying sharp
and letting them get messed up early

is the only way
you're gonna dominate beer pong later.

Maybe you're right.

You ever think about how it's weird
that there's always a gardener around

when there's a whole grounds crew
that basically works for free?

You're right. That is weird.

Also, he has really nice shirts...
for a gardener.

Hey, you!

Yeah, you!

Stay right there!

Why are you running?

N... no reason.

What are you? Some kind of perv?

Trying to jerk it through the fence
to some prison tang?

I see you around here again,
you'll be sh1tting your own teeth, Pablo.

What's this thing supposed to be,
anyway?

Thought Caputo said it was
supposed to be a school or something.

f*ck that.

I don't want anyone sticking anything
in my brain I didn't give say so for.

We could all stand to learn stuff,
I guess.

Come on, they're gonna send
some volunteer college derp,

with a straight part,

who's gonna get all Dangerous Minds
when it turns out you can't read.

You can't read?

I mean... I probably can.

I'm not stupid. I just... choose not to.

Well, that's how they get you.

With words.

They put ideas in the words
that make you start thinking.

Never thought about it that way.

Yeah.

Well, then all of a sudden, you're like,

"what if other people
are having these experiences

that are different than mine
but still totally legit?

And what if I'm supposed to think
about that

before I start judging their lives?"

That's... chaos.

No, thank you.

Should we do something about Nicky?

Like what?

Look, it's not like I don't care.
I've just seen it before, you know?

You can't make them change
unless they want to,

and if you try,
they usually end up hating your guts.

I really just think
we shouldn't have done...

you know, cr*ck, with her.

Well, yeah. I mean, in hindsight.

Although, to be fair...

cr*ck is like potato chips to Nicky.

Little something to slake your appetite
while you're figuring out dinner.

Speaking of dinner.

C.O. Bayley.

Chapman.

Hi.

Vause and I were thinking.

Since you're such a super nice guy

and so good at moving things
across enemy lines...

What do you want now?

- A burger.
- Two, ideally. One for each of us.

With cheese.

- Cheese is key.
- Yep.

Uh...

Yeah.

Really?

Sure.

Oh, but first I get a handjob.

You know, from before.

From the panty thing.
You basically owe me.

Hmm.

They grow up so fast.

Boo. Hey.

Oh, hey.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Give.

Ha!

So, something kind of weird happened.

Oh, yeah?

Donuts apologized.

Right.

No, he did. For real.

He was really sweet about it.

Oh, well, good for him. Huh.

Oh. Oh, hell no.

No, no, no, Doggett.
That ain't the way this works.

He doesn't get to constantly r*pe someone
and then apologize and make it go away.

I'm not saying it's got to just go away.

Boo, I am so tired of walking around
feeling shitty every day.

Fine.

But guess what.

He gets to feel shitty
for the rest of his natural life.

Oh, and beyond
when he's a tandoori skewer in hell.

What if he's just like a regular person

who made a mistake?

Right?

I mean, come on,
we both know I'm not innocent.

Yeah, but you never...

Okay, you did sh**t a human being
with a hunting r*fle,

but she had it coming.

No, she didn't.

I do not like where this is headed.

Well, Boo, he ain't going anywhere.

Okay? We all live here together.

And I'm really tired of walking around
like a dog with mange.

You should've rammed that broomstick

right up his sphincter
when you had the chance!

You know, the thing is

I really liked him
before all that happened.

If you go back to giving that maggot
the time of day,

I swear to f*cking God, Doggett, to God,

I'm done with you.

f*cking kidding me with this sh*t.

How's it going, kids?

You're sure feeling frisky today.

I've transgressed,
and I'm ready to accept my punishment.

Yo! McCullough.

I believe this makes the score
11 to eight.

God damn it.

Uh, say a dozen Hail Marys or something.

I was actually super nice.
We went to Starbucks in Hoboken.

Did you know you can get
a frappuccino there

that tastes just like fruity pebbles?

- Get out.
- It's on the secret menu.

Vince told me about it.

Oh. That's nice.

Did he talk about me?

Oh, of course he did.

Kept saying how much he misses you.

Well, if he misses me so much,
why'd he skip visitation?

Why's he dodging my calls?

It's a long drive, Lorna. And he works.

And the football just started.
You know how boys are.

I thought you were supposed to be
on my side.

I am. I am.
I'm just saying, you know...

I think he's a good person.

Real sweet.

Did he mention anyone else?

Nothing like that.

I mean, honestly, he seems kind of lonely.

Good.

I invited him to our tailgate
next weekend.

Really?

Why not?

I figured he and Jack would get along.

Oh, he and Jack.

Sure.

He's so funny, that Vinny.

I know. I know he's funny

'cause he's my husband
'cause I married him,

in case you forgot.

You asked me to go meet up with him.

What did you wear?

The usual.

A top and a skirt.

Oh... my... God!

Oh...

...this guy.

What'd you do? Dress up like a book?

No.

- Gross, man.
- Gross?

Yo, she do got a point.

Nah, B, I got to shower every day.

I get sticky between my tetas.

You don't got to be dirty.

You just got to smell bad.

I see.

I got these pudding cups from commissary,

and when I opened one, it was rancid.

Smells like a fart d*ed.

This pepper sh*t makes my eyes water.

Oh, sh*t.

Ah.

Burns.

It burns. sh*t.

Ah, sh*t! Ah!

Oh, come on.

I've been looking for this church door
for ten minutes,

and it was right there in your pile.

Sorry.

Where's Dario?

I had to let him go.

He did something wrong?

I felt he wasn't as focused
as he should be.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that you have a job to do
and he was a big distraction.

And those tattoos.

You're jealous... because we had fun.

Fun? I saw the way
he looked at you. Dirty.

You get involved with a person like that,

and you'll regret it sooner
rather than later. I promise you.

Now, I... I have to go
to the little girls room.

That was his job.

That's how he earns a living.

He's a person.

And I'm a person.

I don't just live to work for you.

I'm not gonna be around forever, honey,

and I have half a mind
to leave this house to you,

if only to teach Margaret a lesson.

So, you keep playing your cards right,

and you might be looking
at a very bright future.

But I have to put my life
and my hoo-ha in storage.

Don't be vulgar, Bianca.

Now, I said I have to pee.

Let's talk about how my cousin
got tackled in the woods.

He's burnt on this job now.

- Yeah, that's a downer.
- You want to cut the attitude,

or should I come back with some friends?

I got nothing to do with that, okay?

I can't help what happens out there.

You think I'm some kind of
sh*t for brains?

You tell me you don't want to run no more,

and three days later, the game blows up
when there's no one around except you?

That creepy guard was all up in it.
You can ask Gonzalez.

Lurking around, dropping hints and sh*t.

It was gonna go jank any minute,
I'm telling you.

Then you come to me about it.

This is my business,
and I make the f*cking decisions...

Oh, I know you do.

And if he came after us,

you would've decided to push me
under the bus in one second

and walk away like you never knew me,

and don't even try to front
like that ain't the truth.

Van.

It's not a bus. It's a van.

I saved you.

And I ain't even Dominican.

So, if you want to bruise me up,

I guess I can't do much about it.

Walk, Ramos.

Faster.

Think about it this way.

You have maybe five minutes
of pig in a blanket

for eight or nine minutes
of pure burger bliss.

Just don't look down, because if his d*ck
looks like a chicken neck,

you'll never unsee it.

Why are we assuming
that I'm the one who's gonna be doing it?

- 'Cause you're the straight one.
- f*ck you. Guaranteed lifetime tally,

you have given more handjobs
than I have. Ten to one.

Only to get out of having sex.

Whereas I just had the sex.

Ergo... this is your field of expertise.

You think this kid needs an expert?

I seriously doubt he's a connoisseur.

Also, you're the one

that gave him the handjob idea
to begin with.

Because society has conditioned me
to see female sexuality as currency.

Right. And it's time to spend a little
in exchange for a burger.

Touché.

How are you doing?

I mean, I have nightmares, paranoia,

sweaty PTSD, micro flashbacks,

but other than that, it's horrible.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I did sound insane.

I get that.

I guess we're not gonna get those burgers,
huh?

Probably not.

Also because we could both probably use,
like, a week

where we don't do something pathetic

and/or morally incriminating.

Where your first thought
in the morning isn't

"I have defiled myself
in the eyes of God and man."

Imagine what that would feel like.

It's no melted cheese and onion.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Next.

Whoa!

Man, I know Latina girls
are supposed to be spicy,

but I had no idea it was this literal.

You ever hear anything about
a general fishiness?

Hey. You might want to check in
with medical, inmate.

Mm-hmm.

Ohh!

I thought I told you to shower, Flores.

Oh, yeah, I plan to get on that.

This isn't B.O.
You've doused yourself in something evil.

Is this some kind of game?

Jenga is a game.

- This is civil disobedience.
- Yeah, well, it's over.

Next time I see you,
you smell like a g*dd*mn daisy

or you're not gonna like
what happens next.

You can put me in jail,

but you can't tell me what to do
with my own body.

And yet it's happening.

Go get cleaned up, with soap.

And I'm not messing around.
I'm talking to all of you.

So, I said,
"Now, listen, you limey bitch."

Ooh.

"You steal one more recipe from me,

and I'm gonna have to put you through
the grinder attachment

to your
KitchenAid Professional Series mixer."

Oh, sh*t, yo!

Man!

Who knew Nigella was so basic?

You know, the truth is she is awesome.

We get high together sometimes
and make out.

- Oh, ah.
- Hmm.

She has a dessert recipe
called "Caribbean Creams."

I named it for her breasts

when she took off her bikini top one time
in Turks and Caicos.

Chi! Chi! Chi!
Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi!

Isn't it getting late?

Yeah.
She's right. It's almost lights out.

All right, well, peace. J-Kizzle.

Fino a domani.

Hmm?

Okay, I have no idea what that means.

But it's classy.

Later, girlfriend.

Lot of people hanging out here
all of a sudden.

Yeah, well, it's nice to have friends.

We are social animals, after all.

It's just we've got
some nice stuff in here.

Aren't you worrying about stealing?

Well, is that because they're blacks?

'Course not.

It's because they're in prison.

Stealing is what people do here.

And because they're poor.

Now, I think you're getting
a bit paranoid, Jonesy.

I'm telling it like it is.

So what if they do steal?

MCC has given us all this stuff.

It's not as if we deserve it
any more than anybody else out there.

Exactly when did you turn
into Abbie Hoffman?

You're as capitalist as they come.

Oh, I'm sorry. But this...
is not capitalism.

Now we're talking.

I blew out all my commissary money.

Figured you could use it
when it gets all stank in here.

Thank you.

For real.

What about you, huh?

You gonna be okay out there?

I have my doubts.

Come on. You're like a cockroach, Diaz.
When we're all dead,

you're still gonna be crawling around
the garbage,

saying mean sh*t to the other roaches.

I got to ask you a favor.

Dayanara.

You know I'ma look out for her.

Don't let her get into trouble.

She's a good girl.

All the sh*t she's been through.

This place could change her, you know.

Turn her cold and mean.

I ain't gonna let that happen.

And even when you feel like giving up...

don't let her see nothing like that
on your face.

You got to hold her up, you hear me?

She's your daughter now.

Long as you're in here.

Daughters.

They're the f*cking worst.

Well, look who it is.

You trying to get sent back to max?

Oh, my God.

Prison is prison, right?

What happened to you?

You stole from me to buy dr*gs.

And we're off.

Okay.

No, go ahead.

Get all up in my eyeballs
with your f*cking angry Brando impression.

Uh...

Call me a loser.

Mm...

Cut me off from the family.

Whatever you want to do.

I failed you.

I should've been watching.
I should've known you were in trouble.

And then you got taken away, and now I...

- Please just don't cry, Red.
- Look at you.

You look like you're dead already.

It was always hopeless.

I am not your fault.

I played tough with Tricia.

Now she's in the prison cemetery
with her name spelled wrong.

Tell me what to do, Nicky.

I don't know what to do!

Hmm, what is that? Oysters?

Want one?

Hey. No touching.

Oh, okay.

But be sure to let Mr. Caputo
know that we were touching.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, so what's gonna happen
when your

Dukes of Hazzard-loving
cr*cker fans see that photo?

Ooh, that Frito pie gonna fall
right out of their mouths.

I'll say, "Sorry about that."

- And that's it?
- Mm, pretty much.

You know,
you can cheat on your wife with hookers

who indulge you in your diaper fetish

and still be the senator from Louisiana
so long as you apologize.

See, that is the great thing
about the love of Jesus.

Oh, no, don't you start with me about
that holy white evangelical bullshit.

They're a bunch of hypocrites.

k*lling science and education

and refusing to marry
the nice gay couples,

but then being all
"Rah, rah, the holy land"

when they really think...
that my people got horns

and that we all gonna broil in hell.

Oh, oh, wait. Hold up.

You're Jewish?

I cannot believe that those posers
just smoked us

on the unspoken
interracial prison couple power ranking.

We ain't about competition,
all right?

We just doing our thing.

- Our real thing.
- I know.

I'm not trying to sell us short
or anything,

but it's like they're Beyoncé and Jay Z,
and we're just Kim and Kanye.

Yo, that hurts. I ain't gonna lie.

It's, like, about this super-nerdy teacher

and, um, he finds out he has,
like, terminal cancer.

And so he starts making meth
to make money for his family,

but e... except he dyes it blue
for some reason.

No, I'd never do blue meth.

That color ain't natural.

So, what happens?

I'm guessing it goes wrong somehow.

Man.

I'm missing out on all the best TV.

I swear I might've cleaned up my act

if I knew I was gonna end up
in a place with only network.

We got some basic cable,

like that show with the lawyers on USA.

Are they lawyers, or are they FBI guys?

- The FBI guys were in Miami.
- That's not Miami, it's Long Island.

Mnh-mnh. He's a doctor.

Or maybe CIA.

So, nobody's a lawyer?

No, there are lawyers for sure.

I thought that was just one long show.

Well, look who's not too good
to knock trays with us hill trolls.

Got tired of your butchy girlfriend?

She ain't my girlfriend.

Suit yourself.

I heard that there was this show

that was, like,
just people sh**ting zombies.

Yo, yo, you got to check this.

Listen, if your mind is starting to go,

just tell me and I'll mercy break
your neck so you don't end up in psych.

You told me Crystal's case was stalled

because we couldn't prove
that Sophia's in the SHU.

And you think you can prove that?

I know it's all isolation down there.

But there's a shower facility, right?

One that everyone uses
at one time or another.

If I can get word to her...

I mean, I'm half Catholic myself,

but what you're talking about
is a kind of miracle.

I have a phone with a camera...

in a very uncomfortable place.

You are one crazy bitch.

Thank you, Mendoza.

I'm pretty scared, to be honest.

The SHU's a scary place.

You want to get sent down there,
you can't be pulling this piddly sh*t.

You got to do something serious.

I know. It's just that I don't want to
hurt anybody, you know?

I was an activist, but always nonviolent.

Sometimes you got to think about
the greater good.

Oh, sh*t!

Good for you.

Oh. Oh!

Tell me I didn't see what I just saw.

No, this monster almost broke
my jaw, officer.

- And I'd do it again, Latino!
- Oh! Hell no.

You need to get her out of here,
'cause she is a thr*at to our safety.

Oh! Oh, oh. sh*t!

Let's go, Ingalls.

Here you go.

I am pleasantly surprised.

Yeah. I, uh, took the liberty of looking
through them for that crazy photo,

but, uh, they're clean.

Well, not clean.
There's some gnarly snaps,

but, uh, not the one we're looking for.

So, I guess some things
will always be a mystery.

Hey, what's your background, C.O. Luschek?

Uh... mostly Scottish.

Some French fur traders way back.

No. I mean, how did you end up here?

Oh, uh, you know, attrition.

It's just

you should so clearly be working
at a GameStop.

Need an escort to strip shack "A"

escort to strip shack "A."

Whoa! Are you for real, Flores?

The f*ck did I tell you?

Oh, man. I don't remember.

Program administrator, pick up three.

Get on it.

I said get up on the table, inmate!

Now, you're gonna stand there
and you're gonna think about

all the decisions that you've been making.

Does that mean
I don't have to go back to work?

No. You're not going anywhere.

Your job is to stand
on this table

until you're ready to quit
dicking me around.

Call me all the Spanish names
you want, mami.

We'll see how you feel
when your knees start to give.

Morning.

Coffee.

Careful, it's hot.

I microwaved it.

Problem?

No, no.

Good. Get dressed.

Hmm, let's see.

Maybe... pink today?

Yes?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Ramos.

I have something for you.

No, thanks. I'm cool.

Come in for a minute.

I got to be back at the warehouse

to get some towels
and stuff for down the hill.

It's your game.

The one you were talking about
with your friend.

I thought we could play.

This is disgusting.

You're the one who made it up.

What, I thought you'd got
a kick out of it.

Well, I don't.

You got to pick one.

You can't make me do this.

I think you're forgetting your situation.

My situation is you don't got nothing
on me now.

Look around.
You're not gonna find one thing.

g*n to your head.

It might not be Shake Shack,

but it's 100% guilt free.

Here's to the off-brand spam sandwich
of righteousness.

Cheers.

You know what?

f*ck righteousness.

You make a valid point.

Mm.

Uh, so here's the thing.

I'm gonna get clean.

Okay.

I mean, sure.

It's a little Abu Ghriab-y.

But... sure.

Just came to me. Spur of the moment like.

We're gonna have to ride this out now.

For how long?

Till she promises to behave.

I give it till dinnertime tops.

I don't know, dude.

I feel like you might've made a mistake.

♪ f*ck you a lenky cocky you a carry ♪

♪ f*ck you already and you don't know
me sorry yow ♪

♪ f*ck you you just full a mouth chat ♪

♪ Full a mouth hype
and can't defend dat, boy ♪

♪ f*ck you a lenky cocky you a carry ♪

♪ f*ck you already and me don't know
me sorry yow ♪

♪ f*ck you you just full a mouth chat ♪

♪ Full a mouth hype and can't defend dat ♪

♪ Have you ever sit you man pon a chair ♪

♪ And ride the cocky
like me just don't care ♪

♪ Hold me batty jaws tight
you all a root out him hair ♪

♪ It make the p*ssy blister boy
you make the p*ssy tear ♪

♪ Yo it's real f*cking man ♪

♪ That's real f*ck scare ♪

♪ That's the way it should be you know ♪

♪ All through the year ♪

♪ A boy can't f*ck me
tell him loud and clear ♪

♪ f*ck you, a lenky cocky you a carry ♪

♪ f*ck you already and you don't know
me sorry yow ♪

♪ f*ck you you just full of f*ck chat ♪

♪ Full a mouth hype
and can't defend dat boy ♪