(Both grunting)
(Grunts)
(Grunts)
(Grunts)
(Grunts)
(Grunts)
(Both grunting)
What's this show about?
Cavemen.
Where do they come up with this stuff?
(Mutters) I don't know.
(Laughs)
(Both laughing and grunting)
♪♪♪
Mommy, we finished our homework. Can we go play outside?
Sure. Just make sure you put on
Your sunscreen, bug spray, helmets if you ride your bike
And knee pads if you skateboard. Mom.
Oh, oh, and take water. You have to stay hydrated.
If you're thirsty, it's already too late.
But, mom--
Look, I don't want to alarm you girls,
But your organs will start eating themselves. (Both) ew.
I know. I saw it on the news.
Let's just watch tv.
Okay, don't sit too close.
Cheryl, what a great mornin'.
Great mornin'.
(Laughs)
The sun is shining, my blood is pumping,
And I had just enough toilet paper.
And then, obviously, you replaced the roll.
No, but I left you the sports section.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Hey, what are you doing with clothes on? Jim, it's the law.
No, no, no, no. Where's your running shorts?
You're supposed to be running with me right now.
Oh, you know, I couldn't sleep last night,
And at : in the morning, I finally realized
What I don't like about running with you.
What's that? You.
You're just upset because the last time
I b*at you up trogget hill.
You tripped me, screamed, "eat my dust,"
And then you ripped one as you ran ahead.
Oh, jim, on purpose?
Cheryl, when you put the pedal to the metal,
There's gonna be a little exhaust.
Oh, hey, honey, I got something for your run. Catch.
What is it?
It's a u.v. Protection shirt.
With all that running, you're getting way too much sun.
No way. My pits have gotta breathe.
Oh... So do the rest of us.
Good lord, and that's before you run. (Scoffs)
Oh, honey, come on, that's gross. Stop it.
Listen, jim, I saw a very scary news story
About the harmful effects of u.v. Rays.
Please wear the shirt. No way am I wearing the shirt.
Oh. If you think I'm gonna cover up this body
Or this hilarious joke...
I'm off for my run.
Aah! Aah!
Yeah. Hi. Hi, officer, um, i-i-i need to report
That my husband went running, and I have no idea where he is.
You're being too nice. Tell 'em we want choppers.
I want three birds in the air!
Yes, yes. He's wearing shorts
And a t*nk top that says, um...
Just--just a t*nk top.
Give me that phone.
Now you listen to me, and you listen to me good.
My best friend has been missing for over an hour.
(Voice breaking) and he's out there,
And he's cold and alone...
And probably scared.
So why don't you stop stuffing your face with doughnuts
And go earn the money that comes from my taxes?!
Hello? Hello?
Hey, guys. Hey. Did you find him?
Find who? Jim!
Oh, yeah, that's why I went out.
Well, he wasn't at the coffee shop.
Dana, I am really worried here.
Cheryl, he's just an hour late.
Look, if he's not back by : ,
I promise I'll go look for him at that new thai place downtown.
Oh, god, why now, just when our new rocking chairs are in?
What?
I ordered us his and his rocking chairs
For when we retire together.
Custom-made--
I took a butt impression off his chair at work.
It's not weird, it's thoughtful.
Hey, guys.
Oh, thank god! Where the hell have you been?!
What? I ran a couple extra miles.
Oh, you had us scared half to death! (Gags)
Jim, you're out there with no cell phone, no i.d.
For all I know, you could have been lying
In a ditch somewhere.
Ditch? Come on. I was on oak street.
I saw dana at the coffee shop. (Scoffs)
Oh, was that you?
Baby's useless before she gets her coffee.
What is going on here?
All of a sudden, you're so worried all the time. I am not.
Yes, you are.
Come on. Were you or were you not
Checking out my skin last night for unusual moles?
I'm supposed to do that.
Not during sex.
Jim, I can do two things at once.
You watch the game, I check for moles.
Oh, cheryl, you're being ridiculous here.
Jim, you have got to carry i.d.
From now on, you're taking your wallet with you when you jog.
No way! Yes.
There's only room for one bulge in these shorts. Oh.
And you know what?
I'm telling you, your obsession with safety
Has got to end, cheryl, got to end. The world is a dangerous place.
No, cheryl, your head's a dangerous place.
You know what? You're not anymore.
You turned last year.
Oh, god, she's right, jim. You're in the death zone.
Tell me this--what if something does happen to you
When you're out running? Like what?
Uh, like, uh, a stroke, or--or a heart att*ck?
Hit by a car, k*ller bees, t*rrorists?
I like to picture you getting head-butted by a buffalo.
Do you hear yourselves? A buffalo?
It happens, jim.
They escape from these petting zoos and just run wild.
I've heard that.
The kids run out of those little pellets,
Then all hell breaks loose.
Why are you two fanning the flame
Of this crazy woman's bonfire?
That reminds me. We've got to check the smoke alarms,
And this family needs an evacuation plan. Mm-hmm.
It certainly does. Eat my dust.
(Passes gas)
Hey, cheryl.
Hey, hey. What happened to you, honey?
Nothing.
I was gonna go bike riding,
And my helmet fell off the shelf and it hit me in the head.
I am so sorry, baby. Hope you feel better.
You know, cheryl, I'm curious.
Did a t*rror1st push that helmet off the shelf? Oh.
Did a k*ller bee come down and pick it up
And drop it on her? No.
No. (Chuckles) hold on, hold on, hold on, honey.
What? Okay, I know you think I'm crazy--
As a loon. But I made you an i.d. Card you can jog with.
Judge jim already ruled on this. And president cheryl vetoed that.
And two-thirds of the jim senate overrode it. You're wearing the card!
Now look,
I'm just gonna pin it right here on your shirt...
And you're not even gonna know it's there. See?
Okay, you win.
I'll wear your death card...
As long as it doesn't cover up this hysterical joke.
Ready for our jog?
What the hell are you?
You look like a cross
Between a paramedic and a weather balloon.
I'm your personal health commando.
You need water, orange wedge? Adrenaline sh*t to the heart?
Did cheryl put you up to this?
Is she telling you to babysit me?
Cheryl? Heck, no.
Jim, she doesn't care like I do.
I have a vision for us in our golden years, huh?
Rocking on the porch, eating any kind of soup we want.
Do not k*ll my dream.
You know, andy,
Every once in a while I realize how much you care for me...
And it really freaks me out. You know what freaks me out?
The thought of singing
&Quot;dust in the wind" at your funeral.
Come on.
But that won't happen, 'cause I got this.
An accordion?
Hmm, no. It's the v-fib portable defibrillator.
Now if you go into cardiac arrest,
I'm there for you, baby.
Do you even know how this thing works, andy?
Of course I do. Hold these.
Just hit the "charge" button...
(High-pitched whirring)
And as soon as it beeps, you're ready to go.
(Beep)
Uh, you forgot to say "clear.&Quot;
Clear.
(Thinking) death zone. Cardiac arrest.
Porch buddies.
If that's my future, I'd rather die now.
Nice shirt. Hilarious.
Thanks, man.
I like that guy.
He gets me.
Whew.
(Animal panting)
Easy, buddy.
Look, take it easy, all right?
There's no reason for anybody
To get their head butted today.
(Growling)
Crap! Come on! Stay away, stay away!
(Roars)
(Screams)
(Thud)
(Groans)
Where am i? What happened?
It's okay, honey. You're fine.
Let me tell him, cheryl. Can I tell him?
You got head-butted by a buffalo!
I totally called it.
Am I all right? Yeah. Yeah, honey, you're fine.
The doctor said you have a mild concussion,
And you'll probably have a headache for a few days.
Thank god you were carrying that i.d. Card. Oh, boy.
Honey, they called me right away.
I was able to tell them your blood type
And all your allergies. I mean, I know this is not
The time to gloat, but that card worked perfectly. (Chuckles)
This is the headache the doctor was talking about.
Oh, honey. Oh, you're awake.
You know, you really dodged a b*llet with that buffalo.
You're a lucky man. I know, I know. You know, I always thought
That buffalo att*cks would happen to some other guy.
Not me. I always pictured it happening to you.
Excuse me, ma'am, i-i came in with a t*nk top?
Oh, sorry. We had to cut it off you when you came in.
&Quot;thunder down under"? Hilarious.
(Chuckles)
Thank you. You know what, cheryl?
This is--this is a real eye-opener, I gotta admit.
Yeah, who knew there were other people out there
Who would find that t-shirt funny? (Sighs)
I almost d*ed.
The world is dangerous.
I mean, I got away with this one,
But maybe next time I won't be that lucky.
(Andy) oh, my god. Where is he?!
Oh, no. Don't you die on me, jim, not today! Andy, I am just fine.
What happened? Do you need an orange wedge? No, I don't need a--
Here, here. Andy, I don't want that. I don't want it. I'm fine.
Andy, stop it. Listen to me.
I-i got head-butted by a buffalo.
He's delirious.
No, no, it really happened.
I'm telling you, andy, when I saw that sucker,
My heart almost stopped. No, not the heart. Everybody, stand back.
Andy, andy, calm down. What are you doing? Just stop it.
Yeah, do you even know how to use those?
Of course I do. Hold these.
Just set it on "charge.&Quot; (high-pitched whirring)
You wait for it to beep, and then you're ready to go.
(Beep)
(Jim) clear.
Oh, dear.
(Screams)
(Both slurp)
Mmm. Mmm.
(Both slurp)
Mmm. Mmm. Oh.
Was I right? Was I right?
Oh, yes, you were right.
(Laughs) some hot soup,
A little blanket on the lap on a chilly day.
(Laughs) doesn't get better than this, andy.
It really doesn't. I was so right. Mm, you were right.
Oh, and thanks for understanding about the porch.
Are you kidding? With the sun and that global warming...
I know. It's a death sentence out there.
And that buffalo is still on the loose.
Once they've felt a human head against their own,
They can't stop craving it.
And I don't wanna go out there anyway.
You know what?
It's like my butt was made for this rocker.
Actually, that rocker was made for your butt.
That's not weird, is it?
No. It's thoughtful.
Thank you.
Here's to our golden years, andy.
Most guys only get or .
We're gonna get .
(Chuckles)
Hey, jim, wanna go for a jog?
Where?
Outside?
Where the wild animals are?
Well, I figure no guy's gonna get att*cked by a buffalo twice.
You're actually the safest person in the world to jog with.
I'm the safest person in the world
Because I'm sitting right here in this house.
Yeah, what are you two doing?
Enjoying an early retirement
And some very, very nice, hot soup.
(Chuckles)
Ooh, look, a piece of ham.
Make sure you chew that.
You know what? I don't want to take the chance.
Just spit it out in my hand. I'll chew it for ya.
Ugh.
Thank you, andy.
(As katharine hepburn in "on golden pond")
You are my knight in shining armor.
All right. Well, I'm outta here.
Eat my dust.
Dang it. I wish I was a man.
(Both slurp)
(Doorbell rings)
Dana went that way.
(Ring)
Do you think a buffalo can ring the doorbell?
If it's determined enough.
Let's just ignore it.
(Ring)
Damn it.
I don't know. I don't know. I gotta go.
No, i-- I gotta do it. I gotta open up the door.
Okay, jim, jim, jim, be careful.
Could be a home invasion. Use the window. You look.
(Gasps) looks like a canadian.
Can I help you?
Uh, yes, uh, I'm from animal control.
I'm following up on a buffalo att*ck.
How do I know this is for real?
Well, what are the odds I guessed
You had a buffalo att*ck?
You're right.
Come on in.
Hello, officer.
(Andy) hello, officer.
Uh, you care for a blanket or some hot soup?
I'd offer the rocking chair,
But that's for me and my pal here.
Andy, this man is very busy. He's here on official business.
Well, actually, if that's navy bean,
I haven't had lunch.
(Jim) get the man some soup!
So, officer, uh, what can I tell you about this att*ck?
Well, we need to determine
If the, uh, animal is a continuing menace.
Can you come up with a reason why the buffalo att*cked?
Well, I don't know if I can prove it,
But I think my sister-in-law might have put him up to it.
Unlikely.
But a buffalo doesn't att*ck without a reason.
Are you sure you didn't provoke him in any way?
Well, not unless he's offended by my clever t-shirts.
Any, uh, sudden movements? Loud noises?
Anything shiny that could have startled him?
Oh, you know what? It's all kinda hazy.
I was running up trogget hill,
And I got up to the top to take a breath,
And I looked up and there he was.
(Panting)
Okay, buddy.
(Growls)
Crap!
Go on! Stay away! Stay away! Stay away from me!
(Roars)
Aah!
(Thud)
Wait a minute.
You know what?
I was wearing this i.d. Card.
You think this has anything to do with it?
Well, I don't really think that--
Oh, mother of god! Stop it! Stop.
Don't you know that can enrage a buffalo?
Really? Of course.
A buffalo's eyes are times more sensitive than a human's.
That's how they see at night.
Isn't that owls?
I'm sorry, but which one of us
Appeared on jay leno with a marmoset?
You're right. You're right. You're right.
So theoretically then,
If someone wasn't wearing this,
They'd be safer.
You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd say that the person who gave you that card
Was trying to k*ll you.
Jim, would you stop that?
Stop what, cheryl? Flashing me with that card.
Why? Does it enrage you?
Does it make you want to head-butt me
And give me a concussion? A little.
Well, that's how a buffalo feels!
Fine. It's my fault the buffalo att*cked you.
Okay. I know this is no time to gloat.
Wait a minute. It is time to gloat.
Gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat.
Would you knock it off? Cheryl, this death card almost k*lled me.
You gotta realize that--
That crazier things happen in our life,
And no amount of sunscreen or helmets
Or spray or i.d.s is gonna change it.
Jim, you have to think about the worst case scenario.
I'm living the worst case scenario.
You've got me so sucked up into your safety bubble,
That I'm afraid of everything.
Fine, fine.
I admit, I may have gone a little overboard lately.
&Quot;a little overboard," cheryl? A little.
Come on, you went way overboard. Well...
Just tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me,
Please tell me what is going on with you? Nothing.
That's not true, cheryl, because, I mean,
Usually, you're just normal crazy lady.
But lately you've been, like, on "the view" crazy lady.
Really.
Jim.
You've been nuts. You've been paranoid.
You've been on me-- okay, okay, okay.
You know what it is?
What?
(Sighs) it's just...
My life is so perfect right now.
I mean, i-i got a husband who loves me.
I've got three great kids.
And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,
And I just think,
&Quot;this can't last.&Quot;
It's like, the other shoe is gonna drop.
Oh, baby.
I know what your problem is.
What?
I've given you too good of a life.
I'm gonna have to pull back in a little.
(Laughing) oh, stop it.
No, I know, we do. We have a perfect life. I know.
And I really think it's sweet
That you and your brother want to grow old.
(Laughs)
But you're right, you know, i-i gotta admit,
I think the same things.
Not as much as you do, but I think about--
I don't know, what if something happened
To our precious little family?
Exactly. Exactly. How do you deal with it?
Well, easy. I-i exercise,
I yell at the tv a lot,
And I hit your brother.
I really got to give that a try.
I just don't dwell on it.
I mean, the more time you spend worrying,
The less time we have to live our life.
You're right.
I promise I'll back off.
Oh, cheryl.
That's never gonna happen.
So this is what I did. What?
I went down to my t-shirt guy,
And I made something for you.
Yeah, you're right, jim. I feel so much better.
Right? Right. Hold on.
Check this out.
What do you think?
What do you think?
I think I love you.
You do, do you?
I do.
Well, then, what do you say
You and I smooch on the couch here a little bit?
Jim, the kids are playing right in the backyard.
I know, but from now on, we're gonna live dangerously.
(Laughs)