(Southern accent) mornin', y'all.
And what a fine day it is, too.
Andy, what the hell?
What are you dressed like colonel sanders for?
How dare you, sir? Wha--
This is how a southern man of leisure dresses for travel.
Andy, you're not traveling for... (Deep voice) leisure.
You're going to take care of mom in florida.
(Normal voice) please.
I figure as soon as I hit the sunshine state,
I'll take her to that alligator farm by the freeway.
Nothing cheers you up more
Than throwing live chickens to a gator.
Andy, she broke her hip. She's bedridden.
Can you handle that?
Of course I can. There's nothing I can't handle.
You're gonna cook for her? Her favorites.
You're gonna clean for her? Till it sparkles.
You're gonna give her a sponge bath? Ohh.
Thanks a lot, jim.
What? We weren't gonna tell him about the sponge baths
Till he got there.
Wow. What happened?
You fainted because you found out
You have to give your mother sponge baths. Ohh.
Crap.
I know. Now you're gonna have to go.
Cheryl, I have a very difficult baby.
(Tanner crying)
Oh, there, there. Looks like it's you.
Well, I have three kids...
And this one.
I am a handful.
Come on. We all know that if I leave,
This place is gonna fall apart. Yeah, that's right.
No one'll be here to watch soap operas or recycle.
Oh.
Cheryl, you can go. Come on. It's only for a week or so.
I'll be fine. I'll handle everything. Are you sure?
Yeah, it's your mother. It's family. Go. (Cheryl) oh.
Ohh. Oh, everything's spinning.
Am I dead? Why am I in this white suit?
Because you're on your way to florida
To give your mom a sponge bath.
(Clears throat) right, right.
I can handle that.
Yeah, it'll be easier than changing her diaper.
Ohh.
♪♪♪
All right, loser, cheryl's been gone for two days.
She wanted me to make sure
The kids weren't starving to death.
I'm not helpless. I got dinner for them.
Well, yeah, but they probably don't have any clean clothes.
(Buzzer)
Laundry.
Well, there must be something that cheryl does around here
That isn't being taken care of.
Yes, there is.
But if I get that desperate,
I'll go to andy before I go to you.
All right. Well, if he needs a dress,
I still have my maternity clothes.
Kids, come on! Dinner!
(Singsong voice) I got you some good food.
What are we having?
Tacos from the world's greatest dad.
Where's kyle? Oh, I thought he was upstairs with you.
You were supposed to pick him up.
I was?
Where is he?
At karate, next to the taco place.
Damn. I knew I forgot somethin'!
All right, uh, if your mom calls,
Uh, gracie, uh... You're kyle.
Who am i?
Uh... You're me.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, please be kyle. Please be kyle. Please be kyle.
Oh, kyle, kyle! I am so glad you are here.
Is that why you left me at karate?
(Laughs)
Mary beth, right? Yeah.
Thank you so much for bringing kyle home.
Oh, well, I saw kyle sitting on the bench
Outside the karate studio,
And I heard cheryl was out of town, so... Oh! (Laughs)
I don't know how I lost him there.
You must've snuck out the back door.
I waved at you. You just drove away.
All right, go for dinner.
Okay, how much do I pay you not to tell cheryl?
Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't even worry about it.
I know my husband would be in a panic if I left town. Oh, wow.
You know, are you sure there isn't anything I can do
To help you out while cheryl is away? No, no, no, I'm fine.
My tacos are a little cold, but I'm fine. Okay. Are you sure?
You know, 'cause I could help out with driving the kids around
And maybe drop off a nice stew.
Would that stew be beef?
Oh, look, it's america's favorite housewife.
Where's the apron? In the washing machine?
(Laughs) you know, andy, you were funnier
In that gay white suit you were wearing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Crackers and olives. Who d*ed?
Oh, god, not mom!
Oh, I shoulda been there!
No, settle down.
Susan made me a little cr*cker and cheese platter.
Who the hell's susan?
Hi. I'm susan.
Oh, and I'm available friday for dinner.
(Laughs) I'm married.
And I'm discreet. You like seafood?
Do you like pepper spray?
I've become accustomed to the taste.
Jim, I'll, uh, I'll get these towels back to you tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that's fine.
I'll just dry the kids off with their socks.
(Laughs) no, no. Never mind. I'll get 'em back tonight.
Oh, you're a peach.
I don't know what I'd do without ya. Aw.
If you change your mind, we can hit it and quit it.
What--what kind of scam you pulling here?
I tapped into something, andy.
I have tapped into the boundless pool
Of female pity for the helpless man.
The more pathetic I am, the more they wanna help me.
I've got three local housewives taking care of me now.
I'm pathetic. Huh?
Where's my cheese plate?
Heck, I should have a cheese house.
How--how did you pull this off?
Well, I lost kyle. Now mary beth is carpool.
I sent kyle to school in a dress.
Now susan does the laundry.
(Doorbell rings)
And that's lisa with dinner and dessert.
And if I play my cards right,
A little light vacuuming.
(Sighs)
Hi, lisa.
Jim, how are you doing?
Oh, I'm just so out of breath, you know, running around.
I'm trying to do everything.
Oh, well, I brought you a lasagna... Oh.
And some roast beef sandwiches for the kids tomorrow. Oh, that's great.
And... Oh, this carpet's a mess.
Oh, don't even look. I am so embarrassed.
I haven't had time.
Oh, lookit--the vacuum cleaner's broken now.
I...
You know, it's okay. I-i can get it.
Let me get this dinner put away.
I'll do the dishes and then run the vacuum.
Oh! Thank you so much. You're a peach.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
Actually, he does--
(Laughs)
Thank you.
I just couldn't do it without you, lisa.
(Falsetto voice) I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it without you.
(Laughing)
What the hell, man? I'm pissed!
I spend my life alone. You got three wives!
Four, including cheryl.
Well... Well, I'm blowing this thing sky-high, man.
I'm telling cheryl, I'm telling the new wives.
I'm telling everyone. Let the bodies fall where they may.
Sponge bath.
Ohh.
(Mary beth) jim, are you home?
Hi, mary beth.
Hi. Hi.
Oh, just sitting here,
Trying to make a costume for gracie's pageant at school.
Aw.
I think I can do something here with this tinfoil and this bag.
Yeah. That sounds good. Who is she gonna be?
Uh, eleanor roosevelt.
What do you think?
Yeah, uh...
You know what, jim? I bet I could whip something up.
Oh, great.
Oh, i-i brought you a little dessert for tonight.
Mmm! Oh. Uh, well, where did you get this other pie?
Oh. Susan.
Oh.
Susan from up the street made you a pie?
No.
Hey.
Dana made it because I asked her to.
What'd I do?
Uh, you made that thank-you pie for, uh, mary beth.
Remember, I still owe you $ for the ingredients?
Oh, yeah, that's right. You do owe me $ .
And I'll get you that $ in a minute.
Sold. I made the pie. Hope you like it. Oh.
(Doorbell rings) I'll get that.
Oh, that was really sweet of jim. Yeah, yeah.
So what kind is it?
Um...
Cherry.
Oh, hey, sweetie, you're a peach. Hi. Oh!
Thank you.
No, wait, wait. I left my gloves in the kitchen.
Ugh. Uh, you know what? I'll get 'em for you.
Oh, jim, you've got enough to do.
No, no, no, no, susan, susan, uh...
Andy is in there naked.
I, um...
I think I left them by the sink.
By the sink. Yeah.
I'll get 'em, I'll get 'em. Thanks so much.
Who was at the door, jim?
Uh, girl scouts. Uh, there's a big glove drive.
Apparently, kids in russia don't have gloves.
Oh, there's some right there. Excuse me.
Uh, wait a minute. Jim, jim. You can't give away my gloves.
These aren't your gloves, dana.
Uh, but, jim, cheryl's not here, they're too big for the girls
And, uh, they're not mary beth's. No.
So whose could they be?
You're right. They are yours. Yeah.
That's right. You left them here $ ago.
Uh, "$ ago"?
Did I say-- I meant minutes ago.
Yes, that's right, except it was .
Fine, but while we're sitting here talking,
Some little russian girl
Is freezing her hands off.
Jim, he's not coming out here, is he?
(Laughs) no, no, no, no, but I told him you were here,
And he did say, "say hi.&Quot;
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!
Thank you.
You're a peach!
(Telephone rings)
(Dana) I'll get it!
It's lisa!
Oh, lisa!
Yes, lisa, jim's right here.
Jim, it's lisa.
Is that lisa from school?
No, it's, uh, my buddy, steve lisa.
Yeah, he's a cool dude, man, really cool.
Hey, lisa.
What's up, dude?
Yeah. No, I think the duvet is permanent press...
Dawg.
Yeah, yeah, we'll talk later.
You're a peach.
That's what good friends do sometimes.
They call each other by their favorite fruit.
I'm "kiwi.&Quot;
Well, um, is there anything else
You want me to do before I go?
No, no, no, I got it all handled
All because of you.
(Laughs)
And only you, mary beth.
Oh.
(Laughing)
Thanks.
Enjoy that pie.
(Exhales deeply)
Well, I dropped by to see if you needed any help,
But it looks like you have it all under control, kiwi.
You know, I haven't juggled three women
Since I was in my s.
Jim, you know that a hooker with two wigs
Isn't three women, right?
(Sighs) to be honest with you, dana, I'm running out of gas.
I mean, I think it probably would have been easier
If I just did all the cooking and cleaning myself.
And it's immoral to take advantage
Of these three women.
Yeah, you're right. I know.
I could probably get by with just one.
I'll dump the other two.
So who's the lucky lady?
Well, I gotta say mary beth.
You know what they say--
&Quot;date vacuuming, but marry carpool.&Quot;
Oh. Oh.
(Sighs) lisa, I know this is tough to hear,
But I think it would be better for the both of us
If I vacuumed my own floor.
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not vacuum right?
I mean, I could vacuum right now
With the attachments you like.
No, no, no, no, lisa,
It's not you. It's me.
Here. Here, lisa.
Please accept these as a token of my appreciation.
Gift certificates from stevie b's rib cafe?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're rib bucks.
They're like real money.
See? &Quot;legal tender... And juicy.&Quot;
Please just take them.
I don't understand.
(Sighs)
Is someone else taking care of you?
That is hurtful.
(Sighs)
I mean, I'd have to be some big creep
To let more than one local housewife
Make me lasagna.
Please, just take 'em.
(Voice breaking) oh, jim, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
(Sighs) don't cry.
(Crying)
Please don't cry.
Think of this--
We'll always have that time you washed my car.
Oh! (Continues crying)
Mary beth...
Well, you've made me and my family
Feel very taken care of.
And i-i-i just...
Never thought a neighborhood lady
Could make me feel this way.
Oh, jim, i--
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
I-i need to get this out.
You've always asked
If there's anything else you could do for me.
I don't know. I-i-i've been afraid to commit.
But now i--
Oh, jim, are you saying that--
Yes.
Will you...
Pick up my kids every day
And do all the cooking and cleaning? (Sighs)
Oh... Jim.
Yes, I would love to.
I would love to help you.
Oh, that is so great.
I am so happy. Hey, let's go celebrate.
Oh, great, that'll be fun!
Okay, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
You go out and grab some chinese takeout... Okay.
And later, you can change the kids' beds.
Awesome!
Oh, oh, wait a minute. Here, here, here.
Take my car. It needs an oil change.
Where are the kids? Oh, uh, andy's tucking them into bed.
Oh. Well, the dishes are all done.
Oh, did you leave any for me to dry?
Oh, you know, it's just easier if I do it all myself.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.
So, uh, I guess I'll see you in the morning.
Uh, do you want me to tell you what I want for breakfast now
Or should I just hang it outside the door?
Jim, you are such a riot.
Oh, gosh, what a day, huh?
Oh, I just need to unwind.
Do what now?
My gosh, I totally didn't tell you.
Guess who I ran into today?
That marge hart and her stone-faced husband.
What are you doing?
I'm...
I'm telling you something that happened in my day.
Why?
Because I thought you would be interested.
Oh. (Laughs) honey, I see the problem here.
I'm not.
What, so we--we can't have a conversation about my day?
You know what? That's something i-i-i reserve for my wife,
And then, only because it's part of the deal.
I mean, I sit here with her, and she yammers and yammers on.
I have to pinch myself to stay awake.
But, mary beth, if I did that with you,
I feel like I'd be cheating on cheryl.
Right.
So let me get this straight--
You--you just want me to come over here
And do your dishes and then just go
Like I'm some kind of maid?
(Laughs) oh, honey. You're not a maid. Right.
You pay a maid.
(Laughs) come on.
(Doorbell rings)
(Ring)
(Ring)
I guess I'll get it.
Oh. (Sighs)
Hello, jim.
Oh!
(Grunts) come on. Come on. Come on.
We just ran into each other at stevie b's.
We know all about the little scam you're running.
(Groans)
I was doing all your laundry.
And I was doing all your cooking.
And these rib bucks expired a month ago!
All right.
What the hell?
You had all three of us helping you?
You used us.
How could I be so blind?
I am this close
To breaking the bank on my swear jar.
Oh, honey, no.
All right. All right. All right. That's enough. All right?
You know what? Cheryl's gonna be here in a few days.
I'll survive without you.
Why don't you girls just kinda move along?
Come on. Come on. Go. Go. You are terrible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell all the moms at the p.t.a.
The same thing. Come on. Oh, don't worry. We will.
Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get out. Stay out.
And you know what? My kids don't need breakfast in the morning.
Actually, I think I could whip up some-- no, honey. No.
Bye-bye, peaches.
(Telephone rings)
Women.
(Ring)
I'll get it!
Hello.
Hey, honey. How are you?
Oh, doing--doing great. You know, uh,
Nothing I can't handle for a couple more days.
How are you doing? How's your mom?
(Sighs) you know, I hate to tell you this,
But rehab is not going as fast as I thought.
(Groans)
(Exhales deeply)
What are you saying?
Well, um, I think she's gonna need me
For another couple weeks at least.
What do you think?
Whatever it takes, honey. She's family.
Oh, honey.
Well, thank you for being so understanding.
(Growls)
Hey, you know what?
Hmm?
Maybe I could call some of the p.t.a. Moms
And they could help you with, you know,
Cooking, cleaning, driving...
Uh... (Exhales deeply) not necessary, baby.
I'm happy to do it all by myself.
What did you do?
You know what? You--you got too much
On your plate to talk about it now.
Come on. Tell me about your day.
How's your mom?
Did you have to give her a sponge bath?
(Thud)
Oh... I'm... I'm okay.
I'm okay.
That's terrible. A suppository?
Damn you.
Ooh.
(Thud)
You are a good daughter.