Okay, you rats.
I know you guys miss your mom,
But I figured out a way to have her with us
While she's in florida taking care of grandma. It's gonna be just like having her here.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hey! Hi, guys.
Hi, mommy. Hi, mommy.
Mommy, what are you doing on daddy's naked lady machine?
Great idea, andy.
♪♪♪
Come on down here, kids.
I got all the clothes. They're all done.
Wow. Cheryl's been gone a month,
And you're actually making things work.
I'm really impressed. Well, when you have a system, it's very easy.
What did you do?
See that?
I pin their outfits together before I wash 'em.
That way I can tell whose is whose.
Mm.
Oh, there you are.
All right, young lady. This is yours.
Great. My red sweatpants and my white t-shirt.
Daddy's learning.
No. No, you're not.
This is for my sleepy football star.
What happened to my unicorn p.j.s?
Oh, you know what? The laundry fairy
Took 'em out to live on a farm.
She takes everything that makes me feel magical.
I can't tell if you're stupidly clever
Or cleverly dumb.
How about magically delicious?
All right, my dear. Here you go. Perfect.
Those are kyle's underpants.
They're girlie enough for you. Come on. Put 'em on.
Daddy? Yes.
Remember how you said when mom's away
I can bring all my problems to you? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I've got a mommy problem.
Oh, great. Here, let me put my mommy hat on.
Attitude.
Okay.
All right. (Sighs)
I need to get my eyebrows waxed.
All my friends are getting it done.
Look at mine. They're hideous.
You don't have to get them waxed,
Not when they're just starting to grow together.
Anything else?
Yes. I need you to buy me a training bra.
(Inhales sharply)
(Gasps)
Daddy, are you okay?
Let's talk about your eyebrows.
And a bra.
(Gasps) dana! Dana!
What? What is it? What? Dana, dana, get in here.
From now on, I hereby give you mommy powers
For things like that.
What's this about?
He's freaking out because I told him
I needed a trai-- no! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Dana, take my credit card, all right? Buy it for her.
I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to see it
And I don't want to find it in the laundry.
Okay, what's this about?
Your mom and I bought you a bra last month.
I know, but it's no fun going to the mall with daddy.
I knew the words "training bra" would freak him out,
And now I get to go with you.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror...
Except for that hideous eyebrow.
Aunt dana, can I talk to you about something? Sure.
There's this boy at school named sammy. Oh, I dated a sammy once.
Well, not really dated.
It was more like a lot of one-night...
Tell me about your sammy.
He passed me a note, and he wants to go out sometime.
Oh, ruby! Good for you. What else do you know about him?
His name's sammy, and he passed me a note.
Well, he sounds like quite a catch.
Well, all right, if-- if you want to go,
As long as it's in a public place,
Somewhere like here, aunt mommy says, "yes."
Awesome. I'll call him right now. Oh, no, no, no, no. You wait two days,
Then you pass him a note saying
You just got out of a major relationship,
And you're taking things slow. How old were you when you got married?
. I'm calling.
Well, you missed a delightful trip to the mall.
And thank you very much for that.
Mm-hmm.
So did you get the, um...
Yes, she tried it on.
It's a little big, but she's gonna grow. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Just give me the credit card.
Uh, we had the [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]best time.
Lots of girl talk.
Oh, and guess what?
Our little ruby is going on her first date.
Are you okay?
So tell me about the training bra.
No! Ruby is not going on a date. She's a little girl!
Ruby's dating? I'm not even dating. What the crap?
No! Nobody is dating.
Jim, she's in the sixth grade.
She's ready for this. Oh, you know what?
I knew a girl in the sixth grade who was ready for this,
And you know what? I went to her kid's first birthday party
In the eighth grade. Jim, that's not ruby.
They're gonna go to the mall and maybe hold hands. I knew a girl who was ready
To hold hands in the sixth grade,
And her grandkids went to her high school graduation!
Wait, wait. Something doesn't sound right about that.
Why haven't you introduced me to this girl?
Because she's a great-grandmother now!
And?
Yeah.
Tell me about this guy, 'cause I wanna k*ll him.
He's not a guy. He's a boy.
He's a little boy named sammy. What do you know about sammy?
I'm sure he's inches shorter than ruby
With pimples and a squeaky voice.
Aw, and this kid's getting action? Damn it!
Nobody's getting any action,
Because she's not dating this kid.
She's not going on a date. She's too young.
I'm sure it's harmless. Don't you remember middle school?
You were there for five years.
No. We're gonna put an end to this right now.
Andy, do your voodoo thing and--and, uh, and summon cheryl.
It's a video chat, jim. It's not black magic.
Summon her!
You know what?
We're gonna get the right answer from the real mommy--
The mother of my children, my wife,
The wisest woman in the whole world.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hey, guys.
Hi, cheryl.
Listen, um, ruby got asked out on her first date,
And [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]dana said she could go.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"](gasps) a date? I'm so happy for her--
Forget it.
I knew it!
From now on, there's only one mommy in this house,
And you're looking at him!
Oh, jim, it's age-appropriate.
She's right on schedule.
Schedule for what, working the pole at cleavages?
Not happening.
(Computer chimes) what's that sound?
Oh, it's the computer. It's cheryl.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hey, what happened? Everything went dark.
I don't know, honey. Maybe asteroids.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]what's going on with ruby's date?
I'll tell you what's going on. She's [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]not going on a date.
All right? She just her first training bra.
I don't want some sleazy guy named sammy
Trying to take it off her.
Oh, my [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]god! oh, my god!
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]wait. W-w-w-was that ruby?
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]did she hear you?
I don't think so.
Everything seems fine.
Asteroid!
Any luck?
Ruby still locked up in her bedroom?
Yeah. I'm gonna go to the garage to get a crowbar. Wait, wait. Jim, jim, jim.
Come here. No, no, no, no. You gotta sit down.
I want you to hear this. Oh, dana.
No, listen to me for a second, okay? (Groans)
Look, my dad was a real hard-ass.
He wouldn't let me or cheryl wear makeup
Or talk on the phone or even [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]think about boys.
He was like a prison warden. A brilliant man!
No, it just made us rebellious.
Rebellious? You two were the town skanks.
Hey!
It wasn't that bad.
You and cheryl went through half the football team.
Hey, cheryl is my wife. Now you back off.
Yeah, that's right. Cheryl preferred the basketball team.
What?!
Yeah, and poor old dad would stay up all night
On that sofa with me and his gin
Wondering where it all went sour.
(Deep voice) "was it me, andy? Did I raise 'em wrong?"
"No, pop. You did the best you could.
Refill your cocktail?"
My point is, if you lock her up,
You're just gonna turn her into me.
All right. I'll talk to her.
(Dana) good.
(Thud)
(Gasps) that was the fridge.
Do you think it's ruby?
I don't know. Gracie's at a friend's house,
And kyle always says,
"Open sesame, magic cold box."
You made dad drinks?
Sure.
(Deep voice) "and don't pour that gin
Like you bought it, 'cause you didn't!"
"I know I didn't. I'm just a kid."
(Cries) I was just a kid!
Hey.
I really want to be alone.
Hey, you know what? Me, too.
Maybe that's something we can do together.
Why are you making such a big deal about this?
Honey, it is a big deal. It's a really big deal.
It's a turning point in a father's life
Seeing his little girl grow up.
And that's my problem how? (Sighs)
Look...
It's my job to protect you.
From what? We're gonna eat frozen yogurt.
I'll order low fat.
Well, with that attitude,
Maybe I'll go on the date with ya.
I don't understand.
What do you think's gonna happen on this date?
Well... You know what?
I-i've already got a headache.
I don't want to think about it.
It's like you think I'm bad or something.
No, I don't think you're bad, sweetheart.
It's the boys. They're rotten.
You're a boy. I'm the only good one.
Do you think you and mommy did a good job raising me?
Of course we did.
Well, then you obviously taught me right from wrong... True.
And you should trust me to do the right thing... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Or you're a bad father. Take your pick.
Man, you're good.
All right.
(Sighs)
I trust you.
Thank you.
Do you really think mommy and I
Did a good job raising you?
Yep. Gracie, too.
Kyle?
Let's not spoil the moment.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]so what are you gonna do when sammy gets here? I'm just gonna have a little talk with him...
Out in the garage-- nothing scary.
I just want him to see
That I have a saw that can cut through bone.
(Singsong voice) okay, here she is.
Hi, daddy.
Look at you. You look so beautiful.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]wait, turn me around. I can't see.
You look beautiful, like a little angel.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]oh, for god sake! Would somebody turn me around?!
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"](gasps) oh, oh, look at my little girl,
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]all grown up... (Gasps)
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]and you're wearing your training bra. ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, my god! That's sammy.
(Chuckles)
All right, jim. Now just remember,
This is probably the little guy's first date, too,
So try not to scare him.
What now?
Hey, what's up?
Did you see that guy?
Now I don't feel so bad
That he's getting dates and I'm not.
Can I get you another beer, jim?
Or maybe a gin and tonic?
Hey, ruby. How you doin'?
I'm good. Let me get my coat.
What happened to that pimply faced runt, dana?
You said he was a kid.
What do I know, jim? I'm just the town floozy.
Sorry I'm late.
Basketball practice went long.
Basketball...
Like mother, like daughter.
Okay, see ya.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
You two have fun.
(Dana whispers) jim, what are you doing?
(Raises voice) what are you doing?
You let her go?! Say something!
I looked her right in the eye,
And I told her I trusted her.
Oh, man.
At least when cheryl and dana skanked out,
They went through the back door.
They're walking away.
I'm not a prison warden, dana. That's what you said.
So we're gonna follow 'em to the yogurt store? Absolutely. Grab the keys.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"](cheryl) hey, guys, what's going on?
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]come get me!
(Speaking inaudibly)
Seems like everything's okay.
How can you tell?
I can't hear a word they're saying.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hold me up. Hold me up. I can't see.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]i know that kid. He's a seventh grader.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]i think he hit on me once.
Wait a minute.
Who are those hooligans?
They got cigarettes.
Jim, those are straws.
Good lord, they're hooked on straws.
Yeah, well, not on my watch.
I'm going in.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hey, jim. You promised you wouldn't embarrass her.
Don't worry.
She's not gonna even know I'm there.
Andy, come here.
Here. Hold cheryl's head.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, want a coupon?
No, no, no. I think it's break time for you.
Break time? I wish.
Oh. Aah.
Aah!
So how do I look?
Fantastic. Hey, see if you can get some coupons
Or the hole punch for the frequent buyer card.
Oh, come on, andy.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]hey, jim. You're a penguin.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]you gotta waddle.
Yeah, more than usual.
So the other day my dad was totally on my case.
I said, "back off, walter,"
And he did.
Awesome.
What's your dad like?
Actually, he's pretty cool.
What's up, penguin dude?
Hey, stop that.
(Laughs)
Hey, seriously, get off me.
(Laughs nervously)
Hey, you guys wanna bail?
My folks are totally not home, and we can hang out.
Tight. We're in.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Get me out of this thing. Get me out of this thing.
I can't break that kid's neck with these flippers.
What's goin' on?
Oh, that other creep wants to go over to his house to hang out.
Probably the guy who brought the straws.
Well, it's not gonna happen! Get me out of this thing.
I'm trying. Hey, did you get the coupons? What coupons?! No!
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"](ringtone playing)
That's my cell phone. That's ruby's tone.
Dana, it's in my front pocket right here. Get it.
Not on your life. Come on, dana.
Andy, come on. Your turn. It's right here.
Th-there's a vent right here, right--right below my waist.
Right here. Come on.
You call that a vent. We both know it's a pee hole. Get it! Come on.
You heard him ask, folks.
Hurry up, before she sees us.
Andy, get it. (Gasps) coupons? You son of a--
Get my phone! The phone!
Give me a break.
Guys, guys, ow, ow! What are you pulling on?
It's tiny. I see it. I see it.
Come on.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"](ringtone continues playing)
(Calmly) hello?
Oh, hi, ruby.
Sure, I can come pick you up.
I'll be there in ten minutes, honey.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]will somebody tell me what's going on?
That was ruby.
She wants me to come and pick her up.
She's gonna tell sammy that she's not feeling well,
And we're supposed to meet her outside in the mall.
[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]oh, she is such a good girl.
Yeah, she really is.
Yeah, a good girl who's coming this way.
Scatter!
(Grunts)
(Goofy voice) well, hello, little girl.
You know you're too young to date.
(Grunts)
Get away from me, you creep!
(Groaning)
That's my girl!
All right, good night.
"Good night"? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
Come on. Don't you wanna talk about tonight? I'm dying to.
That's why I'm gonna go upstairs and call my friends.
Come here, come here. Come on, come on.
Come on, wise guy. Sit down.
Now...
What happened?
There were some older kids,
And they wanted to go to this guy's house
Where there are no parents around,
And you're right. All boys [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]are creeps.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You went a little fast through my favorite part. Boys are creeps?
No, no, back farther.
You were right?
Ah.
Sweet victory.
Don't I get any credit for realizing
It wasn't a good situation and getting myself out of there?
Doesn't that make you trust me?
Oh, baby, absolutely not.
I'll never trust you, not now or ever.
I mean, uh, face it, honey.
You're really a good kid.
But on your wedding night,
If you order room service,
Be sure, I will be under the cart. Dad.
No, no, no, and on your th anniversary dinner,
You look up, and you'll see the waiter--
It'll be your old man in a fake mustache... But--
And when you are elected president,
The first night in the white house--
I get it.
Secret service guy. Wig.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Now... Come here.
Come here.
Come on. You know I love you.
You mean everything to me,
And you're a good kid,
And that's why I will always be looking out for you.
(Cell phone rings)
Oh, my god. Oh, my god! It's ben.
Ben who?
He's the one I really like.
I was only going out with sammy to make ben jealous.
I thought you said all boys were creeps?
Ben's different. I can change him.
(Beep)
Hi, ben. Hold on a second.
Dad, what you said tonight really made a lot of sense.
I'm really lucky to have you as a dad,
And I've learned a lot tonight,
So...
Go.
Yeah, right.
You're really good.
Oh, my god. I'm so happy you called.
Go!
I was at the mall,
And this weird penguin--
He was being really weird.
So is your band going to play a show?
Why is kippy your manager? All he does is eat your snacks.