(Whirring)
Come on.
What the hell?
(Turns vacuum off)
Hey, when you're done over here, my place is a mess.
Very funny. There's something wrong with this thing.
It won't suck anything up.
Ah, could be a couple things. It's probably the bag.
Yeah, when it fills up,
The sucking capacity's diminished.
That's just basic vacuum science.
Let me take a look. What, you know about this stuff?
Ah, yeah, I read a lot of manuals--
Vacuum cleaners, phone chargers, d.v.r.s--kind of a hobby.
You're an odd little guy, aren't you?
I've been told so. Oh, all right.
Just press that button. Should pop right open.
Oh.
Yeah.
(Clears throat)
You have the m- bagless with the expulsion cartridge.
I didn't expect that to happen. (Laughs)
(Whirring)
(Gasps)
Oh! Ah! Ah!
Did you expect that?
Aah!
♪♪♪
Hi, honey. Yeah, it's me.
What do you mean, "what is it now?&Quot;
I am really hurt by that.
I was calling just to say that...
That I love you, baby.
Yeah, and I wanted to know, h-how's your mom doing?
Yeah, yeah, great.
Listen, while I got you on the phone, i-i-i, uh...
It occurs to me that I just can't find the waffle iron.
Fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
How could she say,
&Quot;'where's the waffle iron' is a stupid question?&Quot;
Here it is.
All right, kids, come on down.
(Ruby) I hate you, gracie! (Door slams)
(Gracie) you're just jealous! (Door slams)
You know what?
This has been going on for the last three days.
These two are so crabby, it's like having
One adult woman here. Jim, come on. I grew up with two sisters.
One probably slept with the other one's boyfriend.
(Gracie) move!
(Ruby) why are you pushing me down the stairs? Come on, come on, come on.
Knock it off. Come up here. (Gracie) because I want to get down!
What is going on with the two of you?
Nothing. Nothing, and she started it.
I did not! Yes, you did!
Hey, hey, hey--
'Cause you're the nice one, right?
Okay, jim, unless those "after school specials"
Lied to me when I was a kid,
I know exactly what this is about.
What?
dr*gs or bulimia.
I don't know, andy, this sounds pretty serious.
I-i gotta fix this thing.
Yeah, good idea. Call cheryl.
No, I'm not gonna call cheryl.
Come on, I can fix two girls fighting.
I mean, I found the waffle iron, didn't i?
Good point, but they're not talking to you.
How are you gonna figure out what they're fighting about?
Well, you know what?
Santa gave them diaries for a reason.
I like santa.
Yeah, you do.
All right, andy, if we were girls,
Where would we hide our diaries?
Jim, if you want to get inside the mind of a young girl,
You have to become one, so let's role-play.
Now, andy-- I'll be marci-- no, no, no, no--marciella...
All right.
The sweet but shy seventh grader
Who likes to set things on fire.
And you, you, you're eleanore, the girl everyone hates.
Look! Just look for it.
Voilá.
Oh. Right here.
All right, what do you want--
Tall and sullen or short and sassy?
Give me ruby.
I don't want to know how gracie's mind works.
All right.
Hey-oh, I got a shout-out.
&Quot;this afternoon, uncle andy came over.&Quot;
That's me. I did that. Yeah, I know who it is.
&Quot;he ate a whole bag of jelly beans,
&Quot;then passed out on our couch.
He smells like a strip club and sadness.&Quot;
Maybe reading these isn't such a good idea, jim.
Andy, don't throw out this diary.
How am I gonna find out what my kids are up to? Uh, you could talk to her.
Yeah, but she goes on and on and on and on and on.
(Draws in deep breath)
Oh, my god.
What is it?
It's a... Wrapper...
Of a maxi pad.
My little ruby is becoming a woman.
Jim, jim, calm down.
This is a wrapper for an ice cream sandwich.
Thank god. Yeah.
This is a maxi pad wrapper.
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl,
Cheryl, cheryl, I need to talk to you.
Uh, uh... I need to talk you about some, uh... Stuff,
Some very uncomfortable, embarrassing stuff.
Uh, jim, the plunger's under the sink.
No, cheryl, it's not that.
Although that's good to know.
Look, honey, you told me if I came down here
To take care of my mom, you could handle the house.
I can't deal with every little problem that comes up.
Cheryl, this is not a little problem!
This is big. This is huge. This is honking.
You're a grown man. Handle it.
Look, I've really got to go get my mom to the doctor.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I love you.
Cheryl, don't hang up on me!
(Grunts)
So did she tell you how to put the kibosh on ruby's period?
We are on our own, my friend.
Oh, how we handle this, jim,
Will affect ruby for the rest of her life.
Yeah.
(Slurps)
Ahh.
But luckily for her,
She's got two knowledgeable men of the world
Here to help her.
She's gonna need more than one of these, right?
There it is. Aisle nine.
No-man's-land.
Oh, no... Aisle nine.
No! Let's go, let's go.
(Sighs)
All right.
Well, cheryl's not here,
So I just have to... Man up and be a woman.
After you, my friend.
No--oh, hell, no. I'm not going in there.
Well, come on-- no, there's no telling what darkness lurks
At the heart of aisle nine. Come on, grow up.
No, not moving. Come on, get in touch with your feminine side.
No. Jim! Come on, get in there. Get...
(Both grunting)
Come on, come on! Get in there!
I'm sick of this!
I'm sick of-- I'm sick of you!
(Laughs) hey. Hi.
Hi.
So, uh, that time of the month, huh?
Ow. What?
What are you doing?
Wow.
I can't pronounce half these words.
Well, turn the box.
It goes from spanish to english.
Oh.
So, wh-what do we do? Which one do we pick?
Well, you know what?
You can't be too safe.
We may have gone a little overboard.
Well, I just want ruby to know
That I care about her, you know?
And if these things are anything like shoes,
She's gonna want a variety.
Oh, look at this--it says here that in many cultures,
You throw a young lady a party to welcome her into womanhood.
Oh, kind of like a fraternity initiation, huh?
Oh, hey, this company sells a ceremonial kit
With everything you need to--and I quote--
&Quot;ease the transition from girl to woman.&Quot;
Andy, that sounds perfect.
Hey, see if they got one there for boys.
I need one for kyle-- "why does my winky tingle?&Quot;
(Ruby) quit being such a jerk!
(Gracie) you're the jerk!
(Door slams)
Oh, if someone talked to marciella like that,
She'd burn 'em down.
I'm gonna take care of this.
I wish you were never born! Yeah, well, guess what? I was.
All right, all right. Now just hold up here.
I think I know what's going on.
Whatever. You don't know anything.
Gracie, you gotta cut your sister a little break.
Why?
Come here.
You know... Well, it's like this.
Um, there's a reason
That your sister's been impossible to deal with lately.
I mean, she's just a little bit older than you,
And she's starting her... Uh...
Uh...
Thing.
Her period.
(Breathes in sharply)
All right,
If you want to be technical and icky about it, yeah.
Now your mom's on vacation,
And so your uncle andy and I thought it would be nice
If we threw her a little party, you know,
A nice little party, you know, as kind of a...
The fraternity of...
Of girls becoming women party.
Dad, ruby didn't get her period.
I did.
Oh.
Ha ha.
I wasn't prepared for this.
(Ruby) gracie, get your stupid shoes
Off my side of the stupid room!
You're stupid! Don't you talk-- wait a minute, wait a minute,
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I'm gonna go upstairs, okay?
I'm gonna tell ruby
Why you've been so impossible to deal with lately, all right?
And--and meanwhile, you go in the kitchen,
And uncle andy, uh, is gonna help you kick some tires
On some brands... Of... Stuff,
Because...
You know, you're starting your, uh... Thing.
Period.
I can say it!
Period, period, period, period!
Thing, thing, thing!
Oh, you got it, all right.
Hey, ruby.
What do you want?
Well, i-i think I know why you're mad.
No, you don't.
Yeah, yeah, I know why
Your sister has been driving you crazy,
You want to tear her head off.
I get it, believe me.
I've been going through it with your mother for years.
But you can't blame it on her,
'Cause she's... You know,
She started her... Her thing.
You mean her period.
Is there another word for it?
Period. Yes, she started her period.
Come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Actually, I don't. I haven't gotten mine yet.
Oh.
Huh.
Well, I wasn't prepared for that.
Hey, ruby, you-- you don't have to worry
About not getting your--your thing yet.
I mean, it doesn't make you any less of a woman.
It actually makes you more of a little girl.
Come on, honey. You want to talk about it?
With you? God, no.
Are you sure?
Because maybe we can figure something out
To kinda help it along, you know,
Like you do with pregnant women.
Have you tried eating steak?
Jumping rope?
Hanging out with older girls?
You--you can drink from their cup
And maybe their hormones'll rub off on you.
I will do anything to stop talking about this right now.
Well... (Laughs)
My car's pretty dirty.
Are you sure you're not starting it?
So, uh, you got this stuff here.
Um, and, um...
I think this thing, uh,
Okay, it goes like that.
And, um, whoo...
Okay, this must go over the shoulder.
Maybe, uh--
Hey, can you just-- snap at the bottom like a bodice.
Okay, stop. Can you just please leave me alone?
They showed us how to use this stuff at school.
Can you teach it to me, then?
Hey. So, uh...
How's it going?
Dad? Yes.
I've been thinking. Mm-hmm.
I want a party. What?
Well, you were going to give ruby one, so I want one.
Honey, I don't think that's such a good idea.
I mean, ruby's gonna get really upset.
Do you want to see upset?
Do you want to see upset?!
Oh, no, jim, she's hulking out.
I will show you upset!
Give her some chocolate. Give her some chocolate.
I ate it in the car.
Run. Do you want... (Screams)
Ow! Okay, okay, okay. We're gonna have a party.
We're gonna have the party. I want that party now!
You're gonna have it! We're gonna have it!
Welcome to gracie's first moon party.
Welcome, sisters, welcome.
(Strums)
Thank you, andy.
Well, typically, the only guests that are invited
To a celebration like this
Are women who've already... Had their... Thing.
But this was such short notice that I had to improvise.
So lynn here is gracie's gym teacher.
A guy.
Yeah.
Which I didn't know when I evited you.
Welcome, lynn.
Yes, welcome, sister, welcome. (Jim) yes.
(Strums)
I'd like to welcome, uh, some of gracie's friends
Who've already gone through the change.
It's not a big list.
Just miriam here.
It turns out that...
Maybe she just was injured during gymnastics.
Dad, what are you doing?
When you said "party,"
I thought there was gonna be presents and a cake.
Now this is just weird. No, this is not weird, honey.
This is the celebration of you becoming a woman.
Andy, release the thousand white butterflies.
One, two, three.
Oh, how cute. They must be asleep.
(Chuckles)
Come on. Come on.
I knew I shouldn't have left 'em in my car.
Stupid!
I'm outta here.
♪ There are lots of words of wisdom ♪
♪ In "the iliad" ♪
♪ But nothing in there ♪
♪ About getting your period ♪
Let's go. Thanks, man.
I-- no, no, no.
There's more.
Is your stupid party over yet?
Yeah, it was awesome.
Liar. I watched it through the window.
Uncle andy threw dead bugs all over the place.
Okay, you're just jealous
Because you didn't get your period.
Why are you being such a jerk about this?
Okay, you are being a jerk! Don't call me names!
Oh, 'cause we're in preschool, right? Hey, hey, hey, now come on! Stop it! Stop it!
I cannot handle this.
You know what? I gotta tell you something.
I thought I could handle this without your mother,
But I was wrong.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm packing your stuff.
I can't get you two to stop fighting,
So I'm shipping you to florida.
What? Yes, I'm shipping you to florida.
You are your mother's problem now.
Okay, fine. Fine.
Wait, wait. You're going? Then I'm so not going.
Okay, then I'm not going, either.
No, no, no. You know what? I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go to florida, not to see your mom,
But to get drunk, stinking drunk,
Because I hear the clubs in miami are really fun.
Is he okay?
You know what? You know what?
I told your mother not to feed you,
Because if she didn't feed you, then you'd stay little girls.
But now look at you. You're women!
Well, at least one of us.
Oh, my god, you are so not a woman.
You don't even know fractions. I know you're half the woman I am.
Oh, my god! Oh, my gosh!
(Gracie) you just pushed me! All right, all right, all right, all right.
Stop it! That's it, that's it. That's enough.
No more fighting. No more fighting.
What is the big deal here?
Who cares who gets their period first?
I do. Ruby gets to do everything first.
Oh, so it's my fault I'm older?
I'm not saying it's your fault.
It just stinks always being second.
You know how you feel now?
I feel like that all the time.
Really? You've never told me that before.
Well, wh-what's going on here?
I mean, i-i just heard a lot of yelling,
And now there's a lot of quiet.
We're making up.
You are? Who won?
Nobody won.
Well, how do you know it's over unless somebody wins?
He just doesn't get it.
I know.
Sorry I was being such a jerk.
I'm sorry, too.
By the way,
After seeing the kind of party that daddy threw for you,
I'm kinda glad you got to go first.
I hope I don't get my period till mommy comes back.
Yeah, you and me both.
Are you sure they're just taking a nap?
Yeah, yeah, and you better hurry up before they wake up,
'Cause they're gonna be mad.
Attaboy. Come on.
(Cell phone rings)
Hold on.
Hello?
Hey, honey.
Well, hello, stranger.
Oh, I'm sorry I haven't had time to talk.
Mom has really been keeping me going.
But I think after that box of wine,
She'll be down for a couple of hours. (Laughs) well, that's good,
Because I have so much to talk to you about.
Ruby and gracie got in a big fight
Because gracie got her period before ruby.
What?
Well, why didn't you tell me? Did she know what to do?
Ah, it was no biggie, really. It's fine.
I can't believe I missed
Such an important moment in our little girl's life.
Cheryl, don't worry about it.
I handled it. Don't get upset.
Don't get upset?
Do you want to see upset?
Do you want to see upset?!
It's the th, isn't it?
Uh, cheryl, uh, why don't you have some chocolate
And call me in five days?
Gracie, your mother's on the phone!