Daddy?
Hmm?
Can you sign my spelling test?
Sure. What'd you get? A "b.&Quot;
Kyle, this looks like you turned a "d" into a "b.&Quot;
Is that what you did?
I love you, daddy.
Kyle, come on. Is that what you did?
You're not just my dad. You're my pal.
Kyle, stop it.
In this family,
You don't take a "d" and turn it into a "b.&Quot;
You turn it into an "a.&Quot;
And remember what I've always told you.
It's just as easy to put a plus there.
There you go.
Now go show your mom what a good speller you are.
Dad, can you sign my math test?
Sure. What'd you get? A-plus.
That's my girl.
♪♪♪
Cheryl, are you sure it's all right to be down here?
'Cause the doctor said complete bed rest.
No, I know, but I think the point is that I rest.
It doesn't really matter where I do it. All right.
And it's so nice to have a change of scenery, you know? Yeah.
But, honey, you know, I actually do have something serious
That I want to talk to you about. Great. Change the subject, by all means.
Okay. I was just watching "oprah.&Quot;
Yes.
Well, it turns out that a lot of husbands
Have found a new way to honor their wives
After giving birth. Hmm.
Well, apparently modern husbands
Are getting their wives push presents.
It's a way to say thank you
For suffering through the pregnancy and labor.
Uh-huh. I see.
And, uh, where will you be suffering today,
On the couch or up in bed?
Jim! I'm serious. I want a push present.
Cheryl, I recall this whole thing started
Because I gave you a present.
And if my memory serves me well,
There was quite a bit of pushing going on.
You know, charlie up the street
Gave his wife a diamond bracelet.
You know, I actually just listened to what you said.
Charlie up the street? Yes, charlie up the street.
He's a jerk! No!
A diamond bracelet for having a baby?
Yes.
That is ridiculous. No.
Cheryl, look, look, you know,
I--i'm not one to say no to you, all right.
And you're not gonna say no now!
You're gonna get me a present
That shows how much you love me and our babies
And that I can show to oprah and my other girlfriends.
I'm sorry, what's that, babies?
What's that?
Oh, you think it's a present enough
To have a house to come home to? Oh.
The one your daddy pays for?
Wow, cheryl, I guess you love oprah
More than you love the babies.
What daddy doesn't understand is that oprah and I
Have been through a lot together.
Wait a second. What color is that wallpaper?
Is that pink?
We don't want pink. Pink's for kids.
Can you get us lime green?
No, but I can poke a tiny hole in that gas line
So you slowly suffocate.
You know, when you bend over, we can see your butt cr*ck.
You know what's funny about sleeping in a basement?
When the burglars and K*llers break in,
No one will hear you scream.
(All speaking gibberish)
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, girls. How do you like your new bedroom?
Daddy, can we put in a dance bar?
Uh, I don't think I like the idea
Of you two drinking down here. Come on.
It's for stretching.
Like what uncle andy's doing to the seat of his pants.
I think the bar's a good idea, jim.
We could hang the rat traps from it.
No rats. No rats down here.
(Lowered voice) not yet.
I brought some paint samples home for you.
Pick out a color for your new bathroom. Okay.
All right. All right.
Andy. Don't tell the girls there's rats down here.
We only found two of 'em,
And the snake probably scared 'em away.
Sorry, jim. The girls were working me over good.
Yeah? Well, I know where they get that from.
Get this. Cheryl wants a push present.
Oh, like on "oprah"-- new babies, new traditions.
I love it.
Are you kidding me?
You actually think it's a good idea?
Oh, yeah. And it's not just for ladies.
I-i gave myself one
When I passed that kidney stone.
Are those charms for each stone?
No, these are the actual stones.
Oh.
You know what?
As disturbing as this is, you got a point.
What about us? Where's our oprah?
Where's our push present?
I tell you what, jim, if I was your wife--
Andy, how many times do I have to tell you
Not to start sentences off like that? No, no, no, no.
I got your push present all picked out.
We tell ruby and gracie
That the twins are moving in with them.
Then we mount a flat screen on that wall, and snap--
You gots yourself a fly media room.
Whoa.
Uh-huh.
Wall mount some speakers.
A subwizzy in the hizzy.
Stop talking like that. (Coughs)
Uh, nah. Listen, I already promised the girls
We'd turn this into the bedroom.
And I promised myself
I'd give up foods loaded in nitrates.
Jingle, jingle.
Andy, you know, it is a beautiful dream.
But I got a blue-eyed, blonde roadblock
Up there on the couch,
Suffering through her vacation.
I'm sorry. I mean pregnancy.
(Laughs) aah! What? What?
The snake! The snake!
Andy, that's not a-- that's not a snake.
Oh.
That's just a piece of rubber.
No, it is a snake! Aah!
Andy!
It was a rubber snake left down there.
It was kyle's for cryin' out loud.
Hey, what was all that screaming about?
Oh, andy was upset
When he heard you watched "oprah" without him.
Oh, I thought maybe you passed another stone.
You know, I am glad you brought up oprah, though.
There's something I want to talk about. Oh, god. What now?
Well, apparently a lot of men now
Are buying their wives push presents.
You mean, like charlie down the street?
Yes! How did you know?
Because we had this conversation
Minutes ago.
We did?
Yeah, and it was just as stupid then
As it is now.
Oh, god. You know what this is? Huh?
Pregnancy brain. Oh.
What--what's that? Oh, it's a hormonal thing.
Ugh.
You know, about six months into pregnancy,
Cheryl can't remember a thing.
Yeah, it happened with ruby, gracie and, um, um...
The little one. Yes, yes. What's his face.
I know who you mean. I know who you mean. Um, uh-huh.
Kyle. Yes, yes, right.
Kyle. Kyle. Right, right, right. Kyle. Kyle.
Yeah. God, I can't believe
We already talked about push presents. Yeah.
Hey, what are you gonna get me? No, no, don't tell me.
Or you know what? You could tell me
'Cause I'll just forget anyway. You know, we're gonna have
This same conversation in about two hours,
So I'm gonna go get myself a beer. Oh, great. Would you get me one?
You're pregnant.
Right.
Oh, my god.
I forgot how crazy she gets in the homestretch. I-i don't get it.
It's like she blacks out. Is that really possible?
Totally possible.
It's like saying I love you before you do it with a chick,
And then when you're done, you don't remember saying it.
I get that. Yeah.
You know what? She doesn't remember what she says,
She doesn't remember what she's supposed to do.
It's crazy.
She probably doesn't remember telling you
She wants the basement turned into a new media room.
Nah, she never said that...
Hey. How did I miss that?
You must have pregnancy brain.
(Laughs)
And I'm just about to get myself
My own push present.
(Laughs)
Ah, my young bride...
Here's some tea for you...
Carol.
Oh, I haven't forgotten my own name, jim.
Oh. What's your middle name?
Damn it.
(Laughs)
All right, if you're all set with the tea... Yeah.
I'm gonna go back downstairs, help andy finish the media room.
It is almost done. Baby, you're gonna love it. Wait. No, no, no. Media room?
Honey, you mean ruby and gracie's bedroom.
(Laughs) we talked about this, cheryl mabel.
Mabel. Ha! Mm-hmm.
You said, "let ruby and gracie stay cozy in their own room.&Quot;
But what about the twins?
(Laughs) you silly goose. You really are out of it.
What? We're turning the linen closet into the nursery
So we all can be closer together.
It was the best idea you ever had.
Are you sure that was my idea?
Cheryl, how would I even know that we had a linen closet?
Yeah, but a media room?
Come on.
You helped pick out the color for the lounge chairs.
You also said you wanted an lcd screen, not a plasma.
Oh, yeah.
Got it?
Yeah. Are-- are the chairs taupe?
Of course. You think I'd pick a color like that?
(Chuckles) right. It is a color, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay.
I-i think I remember talking about that.
I knew it.
Wow. Pregnancy brain must be twice as bad with twins.
(Laughs)
You said that an hour ago.
(Chuckles)
(Laughs)
We love our new bedroom.
That is the biggest tv I have ever seen. Actually, girls--
Uh, jim, please, may i?
Yeah, here's the thing about a -inch, I lcd
With -channel digital sound--
It's not for you.
The plan now is to have you losers
Sleep in the same crappy room you've always slept in
While the basement becomes a land of fun for us,
The grown-ups.
But where are the twins gonna sleep?
Oh, right here.
Look--bunk cribs.
This sucks. We want our new room.
Sucks to be you.
And if you're gonna cry, take it outside.
So mom just sold us out? She did. She really, really did.
Yeah, I mean,
You can take it up with her if you want,
But if you argue too much with her,
I'm afraid you'll be sleeping in this linen closet. With the rats.
(Andy, gracie and ruby speaking gibberish)
Snake! (Jim and andy) aah!
Man, can you believe this picture?
It's like we're right at the game. Yeah.
(Laughs) aah! I got it! I got it! I got it!
(Groans) damn it. So close.
Remind me not to watch p*rn on this thing with you.
Oh, this media room is awesome, jim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Except... Except there's something missing, right?
Yeah, I just kind of wish we had-- an old-fashioned popcorn machine?
I was gonna say my dad,
But a popcorn machine isn't bad.
Yeah. Fire up the internet.
See if you can get
A popcorn machine on the cheap.
Oh, andy, this pregnancy brain thing
Is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Hey, you could get that mechanical bull
You always wanted
Ever since you saw "urban cowboy.&Quot; oh, yeah, look it up.
See what kind of price we can get.
Well ahead of you, captain. Check out this price. (Laughs)
Oh, my god. It's so low,
It would be immoral not to buy it. (Laughs) (laughs)
I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it!
Andy! Andy!
Andy, it's a tv!
This is a good tv, man. Uh-huh.
You ready, champ?
(Grunts)
(Metal rattles)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I think I got this thing...
(Southern accent) all figured out there, andy.
I'm gonna hold on real tight with my left hand,
And I'm gonna squeeze my legs with my life.
(Laughs)
Now it's all about balance,
Not about strength.
Like that.
All right, hit it!
Here we go.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo--aah!
(Laughs) yeah! That was a new record.
(Normal voice) yeah!
I got you b*at. I got you b*at.
Okay, your turn. Your turn, man. Your turn.
All right.
(Southern accent) now I know you can do it, andy.
All right.
Give me a minute. I just wanna adjust the boys.
(Andy with high-pitched voice) aah!
(Normal voice) that was your best time!
Best time yet, man. (Laughs)
I won't be able to have kids now, but who cares?
These memories will last longer. (Laughs)
Yeah! (Laughs)
Oh, I'm s--i'm s--
(Cheryl) jim? Jim, are you okay?
Damn it. Is andy passing another stone?
Cheryl, don't come down these stairs.
You are supposed to be on bed rest. I know, honey, i-i know,
But i-i keep hearing a thump and then a girlish scream.
What's that?
That?
Yeah.
I-i wanted it to be a surprise,
But happy push present.
Hooray! Okay, me again. Give me the hat.
What? Come on. Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Take it. (Laughs)
You got me a mechanical bull as a push present?
Mm-hmm.
(High-pitched voice) aah!
Why would you do that?
Are you serious? Are you flippin' serious?
You are breaking my heart, cheryl.
Are--are you trying to tell me
That I forgot that I wanted that?
Okay, jim, watch me this time.
I'm gonna try something new.
Cheryl... I kept talking to you about jewelry,
And you said, "no, I want to get in shape
After the babies are born.&Quot;
Hit me!
(High-pitched voice) aah! Aah!
But I always get in shape after the baby.
I know. That's exactly what I told you myself.
Then you said, "no, I saw it on 'oprah,'
And I think it's a fun way to get back in shape.&Quot;
(Cheryl) wow.
I just can't believe I keep forgetting all this stuff.
Cheryl...
To be honest with you, I can't believe it myself.
You know, I mean, it's-- it's kinda hurtful.
(Andy groans)
It makes me, you know...
(Grunts)
It makes me not want to do nice things for you anymore.
Oh, oh, honey, i--i'm--i'm sorry.
I love my mechanical bull.
Thank you.
(Southern accent) you're welcome, ma'am.
Now hit me.
(Grunts)
Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?
Cheryl, you're pregnant.
Oh, right, right.
(Andy groans)
Oh.
I wanted it with the crust cut off.
Why didn't you make it with the crust cut off?
You see how annoying that is, girls?
This is no time for jokes.
We're gonna ask you a question,
And I want you to be honest with me. Okay.
We love you either way,
But we just want to know the truth.
Are you on dr*gs?
What?
We're talking about that ridiculous bull.
(Andy with high-pitched voice) aah!
(Thud)
In what universe did you want that?
I know, I know. You're right. It--it's pregnancy brain.
You say crazy things, and then you don't remember.
But... You gotta admit,
I mean, that--that bull looks like fun, right?
More fun than a diamond bracelet?
(Sighs) that does sound good.
Mom. Mom, snap out of it.
Come back to us. You didn't want that media room.
Or a mechanical bull.
I didn't want any of those things.
But who did?
Hint--rhymes with "bad.&Quot;
(Gasps)
What's more likely, you forgot about
All of those conversations you supposedly had...
Or I forgot who I married.
There's the mother of my children.
I been missing your beautiful face all day.
Oh. Mwah.
I'm gonna hit the bull. Later.
Um, jim-- you know what?
Tell the kids I'm gonna have my dinner downstairs.
(Southern accent) maybe a pot of black coffee,
Some campfire beans, and anything in a skillet, baby.
Jim...
Cheryl! Cheryl!
My bull is gone.
Rustlers got my bull.
I mean your bull.
Well, whatever are you talking about, james orenthal?
You decided that a mechanical bull
Was not an appropriate push present.
You insisted that I sell it
And buy myself this beautiful diamond bracelet.
I did?
Oh... You silly goose.
Have you forgotten? You said...
(Southern accent) "i don't care
&Quot;if it costs a little bit more,
I want my baby's mama covered in ice.&Quot;
(Southern accent) now, cheryl, you know I didn't say that.
(Normal voice) sounds like you have pregnancy brain.
Only it's worse. It's big fat jerk brain!
(Normal voice) cheryl!
Push presents are just ridiculous.
What? Come on.
Giving a woman a gift for having a baby?
There's nothing more ridiculous than that.
Have you seen yourself in a cowboy hat?
Cheryl, I have been doing nothing
But helping you and this family for months.
I mean, first you're down in florida,
Now you're on bed rest.
I mean, a state-of-the-art media room
With a mechanical bull, is that too much to ask?
You didn't ask. You lied.
Because it was easier, honey.
Come on, cheryl.
I just felt that...
I needed a little something special.
You know, a lot of men feel neglected
During a difficult pregnancy.
Who says? Oprah did.
Oh. (Scoffs)
No, you made me sit down and watch it with you.
Really.
Oh, god. I think I actually do remember that.
See?
So okay, you've made your point now.
Now we've returned the mechanical bull.
Now let's return this diamond bracelet.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I think keeping this bracelet will remind you of my point.
I think keeping the bull would remind me, too,
And for a lot less money. Come on.
I sold the bull to andy. Shh.
(Andy with high-pitched voice) aah!
(Thud)
(Laughs) all right.
All right, fine.
This weekend, andy and I will finish the bedroom
Downstairs in the basement for the girls.
And we'll finish the nursery, too.
Oh, honey.
You know, you really have been amazing
Through this pregnancy. Well, thank you.
And if you still feel like
You need a special place of your own
Once there are five kids in the house,
I think we can work something out.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Nothing like a day at the ballpark.
Yeah.
(Grunts) I think I'm getting a sunburn from the screen.
Yeah. Let's take our shirts off.
Ow.
Ouch.
(Knock on door)
Privacy.
Hello.
I need a towel.
There you go, son.
Daddy.
Hmm?
When are you and uncle andy coming out of the closet?
You know, with any luck, never.
Ahh.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I got it!
No, you don't. It's a tv. (Grunts)
Andy, it's a tv! Get up! Get up! Yeah, yeah, yeah.