(Tapping)
Well, top of the mornin' to you, sir.
What the hell? Why are you wearing that?
What, can't a man class up his breakfast a little bit?
A man can, but not you.
The truth is, I've, uh... (Sighs)
Gotten a little behind on the laundry and dry cleaning.
This monkey suit's the only clean clothes
I could find in the house. (Laughs)
Dad, I don't think they're gonna let me wear this to school.
Well, tell 'em it's a religious thing.
I'll write you a note.
Uh, better make it two notes.
All I did was walk down the stairs,
And I'm sweating.
All right, here. Try this.
Yeah.
There you go. That'll cool you down.
Ahh. Thanks, dad.
You're welcome.
You see that?
Everything is fine. Hmm.
Morning.
The sad thing is, I did his laundry.
Frankly, dad, I don't give a darn.
♪♪♪
All right, I'll be right back, sweetie.
So? So? So what do you think of her, huh?
She's cute, right? Yeah, she's cute.
Oh, damn it, she's too good for me.
Oh, come on. All women are too good for you.
Andy, just relax, all right? She's a nice girl.
You're gonna make a very nice couple. Okay, okay, okay.
Another hour or so, and I can get her out the door
Without you doing any damage. What? Damage?
Come on, man. What are you talking about?
I tucked in my shirt, zipped up my fly.
And this is the first beer I've had all day...
Since lunch.
Don't judge me.
Oh, man.
I just wish cheryl weren't upstairs on bed rest
So she could be down here to keep an eye on you.
Don't worry about it. She took care of everything.
She knows I'm not so good with the niceties,
So she made me a conversational cheat sheet. Oh.
Check it out, huh?
&Quot;don't tell them you have a cheat sheet.&Quot;
So, emily...
I would like to take this moment
To compliment something you're wearing.
What you got there, hose?
They're tights. (Laughs)
And they're fantastic!
He's not normally like this. (Chuckles)
Well, he is, but it's easier when cheryl's around. (Mouths words)
(Mouths words)
So, emily, um, where do you stand
On religion and politics are totally off-limits?
Jim, are you reading questions off of a cheat sheet?
No.
It's okay. We can just talk.
(Yawns)
(Laughs nervously) jim, would you...
You're being ridiculous. (Laughs)
Spit--spit that out, huh?
(Clenches teeth) spit it out!
Cheryl thought that...
Having that would help during awkward moments.
That's it. I'm going upstairs and I'm carrying her back down.
No, andy, no. It's--it's fine.
Jim, I really appreciate the effort,
And when I meet cheryl, I'll tell her
That this went much better than it actually did.
Oh, that is great. That is so great.
Now I can just relax and be myself.
Here, let me ask you somethin'.
Now--now you're a-- you're a single mother, right? Yeah.
Is it as awful as they say?
I think I can dry this off pretty easy.
Yeah, give it to me. I want that. I want it. I'd be happy to...
Hey, mom, mom, guess what? Ruby and gracie listen to the glitter pops, too.
They want to go to the concert tomorrow. That would be so tight.
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls. I can't take you tomorrow.
Andy and I are going to an awards banquet.
Yeah, emily's being honored
By the county orthodontists association.
It's the oscars of teeth. (Chuckles)
(Clenches teeth) isn't that great, jim?
Yes!
Congratulations on your honor/award.
Thank you.
That's very kind/thoughtful.
(Laughs) hey, listen, you know what?
Why don't I take the girls? I mean, I'm going anyway.
What's two more hysterical girls in the minivan?
Wow, you would really do that? Sure, and that's me talking, not the cheat sheet.
You--i-i don't think emily really wants you to do s--
That really sounds like fun. Yeah. Yeah. Good. All right.
You know what? I'll see if I can get tickets. Okay.
Mom, can we go listen to the cd? Oh, sure.
Yes! Yeah, wow.
Yeah. Wow.
Wow. Great.
(Chuckles nervously)
Ha ha ha ha ha.
(Sighs)
Well...
So are we done here?
Jim, we haven't had dinner yet.
Yeah.
&Quot;make dinner.&Quot;
Oh, I think this part is for you.
Oh.
So all the pots and pans are in there.
Oh, hey, kyle, you know what? I didn't even think to ask
If you wanted to go to that glitter pops concert tonight.
Ride in a car full of screaming girls
To see a concert full of screaming girls? Pass. Yeah.
Oh, hey, jim, i, uh...
Kyle, you know what I saw?
There's a cupcake tree out in the backyard.
I'm not a moron. Cupcakes grow on bushes.
But... Just to be safe...
Well, what's going on? What...
What's up?
It's about the concert.
I'm not comfortable with emily's girls going tonight.
Why? If there's a problem, I'll be there looking after 'em.
Yeah.
That's part of the problem.
What part?
The part that's you.
What?!
Great talk. See you at work. Wha--andy.
Not ripe yet, but still pretty good.
Maybe I'll go and plant some cupcake seeds outside.
I just think it's a bad idea for you to take emily's girls
To the concert. Bad idea? Come on. I'm a good parent.
I took care of my two kids
While cheryl's been on bed rest this whole time. You have three kids.
That's even harder.
Jim, there'll be a lot of people there.
It's a public place. We both know how you are.
How I am?
How I am?
How I am?
No, andy, I don't know how I am.
How am i?!
You took your kids to a bears game
And punched a packers fan.
If punching a packers fan is a criminal offense,
Have me arrested.
You were arrested!
Come on. That was stadium jail.
I missed the fourth quarter. I paid my debt to society.
You lost them for six hours at the dog track.
And ruby hit the trifecta.
And we're still in touch with that family
That found her and bought her lunch. That's what I'm talking about.
What are you talking about? Right there, man.
Where? I can't have emily's kids come home
Talking about how they got in a high-speed chase
On the expressway
Because you thought you saw coach ditka!
That is not my fault!
That woman had a very thick moustache!
Have I proved my point?
Come on, man.
You know what, andy? You have proved your point.
You being my best friend, i-i'm gonna do the right thing.
(Sighs) oh, thank you.
(Laughs) ruby!
Hey, I appreciate this. Aw!
(Laughs) what's up?
Listen, I want you to get rebecca and lauren on the phone.
Tell 'em we're going to the concert,
And we're picking them up at : . Sweet!
Get off of me! What are you doin'?! I'll tell you what I'm doin'.
I'm saving your relationship.
If you're afraid of your woman, it's never gonna last.
Oh, god!
(Sobbing) oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
You know what? I take care of other people's kids
Better than I take care of my own.
I can't sue me.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Andy, relax.
It's three little girls. What can happen? Four!
Four, four, four, four.
(Jim) okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
Are we all still here? Right? All right, count off. Count off.
Dad, we're all here,
And we're late because you wouldn't pay for parking.
Well, are you kidding me? Bucks for hours?
When there was a perfectly good vacant lot blocks away?
There were rats there.
There were squirrels there.
Okay, now let's go over
Jim's master plan one more time. Go.
We're wearing orange t-shirts
So you can pick us out of the crowd. Good. Go.
We each have glow sticks so you can see us in the dark. Good. Go.
If we need you, we wave them in the air. Good. Go.
There isn't any more.
Very good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Come back here.
Come back here. One more thing.
All right, you see that concession stand over there
Where the irresponsible fathers are drinking beer?
Well, if we should get separated, we should meet...
Meet...
Hey!
(Crowd speaking indistinctly)
(Exhales deeply) my god, I haven't seen this much orange
Since I did my community service.
(Whispers) crap.
(Normal voice) girls!
Girls, hold up your glow sticks so I can see you!
I can see you!
(Crowd screaming)
And now I can't see you.
(Pop music playing)
♪ We can dance all night ♪
♪ You got me feeling so right ♪
♪ We can dance all night ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I say we dance all night tonight ♪
Andy, are you okay?
I told you that was too much ham.
Oh. No, no, I'm--i'm fine. I'm just nervous.
What if you don't win? What if your speech is bad?
What if the kids aren't safe with jim? What?
I mean... (Laughs) they're totally safe. Yeah.
Relax. Worry about your crappy speech.
Oh, don't try to be funny. It's not your thing.
Um, can I get some more ham?
(Man, voice amplified) and now please welcome to the stage
Tonight's guest of honor-- dr. Emily colgan.
(Wheezes) yeah!
Right? That's my girl! (Laughs)
Best orthodontist in town, man!
(Laughs) her kids are totally fine!
(Emily, voice amplified) thank you. Thank you very much.
I really appreciate this so much.
(Cell phone rings)
(Ring)
Hi, andy. The girls are fine.
They're standing right next to me. I'll talk to you later.
You are a liar, a thug and a drunk.
What happened?
Nothing happened.
I-i want to hear it from rebecca or lauren.
Put 'em on the phone. (Imitates static) I'm going through a tunnel.
You're at a concert! Tell me what happened--
(Gasps) did you lose them?
I did not lose them.
I just don't remember what they look like.
I mean, it's nothing but a sea of hair and braces.
(High-pitched voice) oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Relax. Don't worry. They're here.
I know they're here.
I mean, I guess they could be gone.
Oh, my god!
Okay. Don't--don't do anything.
I'll be right there.
(Emily) ...over the years... (Continues indistinctly)
What are you staring at? The show's onstage.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, by the way, by the way, my friend,
Um, if she asks where I went,
Um, will you just tell her that I had an emergency
That had nothing to do with her kids?
♪ I had to tell someone ♪
♪ I could be wrong, and I've said it before ♪
Rebecca!
Jim!
♪ He looks my way ♪
♪ And I forget the words... ♪
Are you--you're not lauren?
Oh... You are the worst friend ever!
Will you relax? They're out here somewhere.
&Quot;out here somewhere" isn't good enough, jim!
I knew you would screw this up!
Look, you wanna say, "i told you so,"
Or do you want to say to emily,
&Quot;i found your kids. They're safe and sound"? I wanna do both, and I want some post-award ceremony lovin'.
♪ Had to tell someone ♪
♪ I could be wrong ♪
Hey, this band's pretty good.
Oh! Come on, come on.
(Jim) look for 'em. (Andy) uh-huh.
This one here. Here.
No.
This one here?
No.
Oh, this--this is never gonna work, jim.
We gotta be someplace where we can see everybody.
♪ We finally take our chance ♪
♪ I may be too young ♪
Come on.
Where--where are we going? Come on.
(Crowd screaming)
How are we doing tonight, chicago?
(Screaming continues)
That's great.
This next song we're gonna play is our last song,
But it's our favorite song to play live,
Called "why won't he talk to me?&Quot;
One, two, one, two, three, four!
(Blues harmonica playing)
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome special guests--
Big daddy jim and the andyman!
Hey, chicago, how you doin'?!
♪♪♪
♪ If your name is lauren, raise your hand ♪
You heard him. Raise your hand!
♪ If your name is lauren, raise your hand ♪
(Both) ♪ if your name is lauren, raise your hand ♪
♪ Now if you raised your hand ♪
♪ Come up here and join the band ♪ (harmonica plays)
(Girls) ♪ raise your hand, come up here and join the band ♪
(Jim) ♪ if your name is lauren-- ♪
Come up here and join the band, lauren. Ooh, got her, got her. ♪ If your name is lauren, come up here and join the band ♪
♪ If your name is rebecca, come up here ♪
(Girls) ♪ if your name is rebecca, come up here ♪ (plays harmonica)
♪ If your name is rebecca, come up here ♪
♪ If your name is rebecca, come up here ♪
♪ If you come up here, I'm in the clear ♪
♪ So if your name's rebecca ♪
♪ Come up here ♪
♪ Come up here ♪ (plays harmonica)
Dad, you're so cool! You're so awesome!
(Plays harmonica)
♪ And scream and dance and jump around ♪
♪ I won't get sued now that they're found ♪
♪ He won't get sued, he won't get sued ♪ ♪ come on, rebecca ♪
(Harmonica playing)
Okay, we got 'em, we got 'em. Let's go.
We got 'em! I got 'em! I got 'em! They love me.
They love me! It's not all about you, jim!
What if there's a scout out there? Emily's waiting for me.
Get away from me! (Resumes playing)
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you, chicago.
(Continues playing)
I love you, chicago!
(Cheers and applause)
Let's hear it one more time
For big daddy jake and the fat man!
(Cheering)
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
I get it, I get it. I'm the coolest father ever.
Please stop it. It's just embarrassing me.
That means he wants us to tell him more. Thank you, honey.
That was awesome. I can't believe we met the band.
Hey, and not only that, we got banned from the arena.
How many little girls can brag about that?
You're the greatest. You're the worst!
Did you really think you could ditch me on the way home? I wasn't trying to ditch you.
We were chasing coach ditka.
Girls, why don't you go in the kitchen
And get some ice cream? Thanks again, dad.
Oh, you're welcome. You were really fun,
And you're good dancers. (Chuckles) yeah, i-i just came back by
To make sure you didn't lose 'em again on the way home.
Now I gotta get back to emily's dinner. Well, wait, isn't that dinner over by now?
Of course it's over! Help me come up with a good lie.
Andy, honestly, I can't believe I'm about to say this,
But why don't you just tell her the truth? Are you kidding me?
She'll think I'm an idiot for being friends with you.
You are an idiot for being friends with me.
Andy, what are you, an idiot?
I was just in the middle of my speech,
And you just walked out. Uh... Well, um...
The night my father d*ed,
He was supposed to receive an award, and so i-- andy!
(Gasps) you stay out of this. Come on. All right, all right, all right.
It's none of my business. Oh, by the way, emily,
I lost your kids briefly at the concert.
Then andy freaked out, and then we found them. Oh, that happened to me once.
Those concerts are just a sea of hair and braces.
Hmm.
Go ahead, andy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second.
You're not mad? Why would I be mad?
Well-- you see, andy, emily accepts you warts and all,
And I'm wart number one,
But she can get used to that
And eventually, maybe even enjoy it.
Thanks, jim.
I can take it from here.
Right. This has nothing to do... With me.
No, this is about andy and i,
And there's something I really need to say to you, andy.
(Sighs) I agree with everything jim just said.
Hmm.
Really? Yeah.
Because everything he said for me is exactly what I think.
So should we hug or kiss or somethin'?
Well, jim, what do you think?
Well, I think it might make andy a little uncomfortable,
But, okay, I'm ready for it.
Ah...
Jim, I think I got this one. (Sighs)
Oh!
Andy?
Jim...
Oh. (Laughing)
Whoo. (Laughs)
So we're done here?
Well, we haven't had dinner yet.