All right, let's get going here. You gotta get to school.
Mm, there's no milk left.
Oh, there's plenty in there. You guys have it too good.
There's no way this milk
Can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
You know what?
When your daddy was raised during the great depression,
You know what we had to put on our cereal?
Tears.
The great depression was in the ' s.
Honey, we were so poor, we couldn't afford calendars.
All right.
(Grinding)
(Grinding stops)
(Grinding resumes)
(Grinding stops)
This'll pick you up.
♪♪♪
Jim!
What?
That's too rough. And use more lotion.
Fine, but I want you to know
This counts as foreplay if we ever have sex again.
Ow! What?
What pinched me? My wedding ring?
Take it off.
(Under breath) gladly.
What was that?
Sadly.
All right, here's your tea.
I hope I got it right this time.
Yeah, we both do.
All right, listen here, missy.
You might be able to boss him around because he violated you--
Dana, could I have a word with you in the hallway?
But she's being completely-- dana. Word. Hallway!
Yeah, and when you're done with that,
Perhaps you can bring me a teacup
That's been properly washed. We'd love to, because we love you.
I don't love her. I think she-- in the hallway!
(Grunts) what is wrong with you?
Jim, when I was pregnant,
I didn't have people waiting on me.
No one was rubbing my feet or bringing me tea
That may or may not have spit in it. Do you remember the advice
My grandmother from the old country gave?
(Sighs) yes. &Quot;always say yes to a pregnant woman
For the entire pregnancy and days after.&Quot;
Exactly, so if either one of us fights with her,
We're risking a gypsy curse.
Jim... May I use your bathroom up here?
Kyle's arm's stuck in the toilet downstairs.
W-well, why didn't you help him out?
Isn't it safer this way? You know where he is.
(Cheryl, singsong voice) excuse me!
Pregnant lady with wrong tea and dry feet.
(Gasps) dry feet! Good heavens!
Dana, just do exactly what I do.
You have to adopt a "yes and yes only" policy.
Can you do that, dana? No.
You're not very good at this, are you? Ugh.
Can I still spit in her tea?
Sure, but it won't b*at what I did to her cupcakes.
And we warm the lotion thusly.
Oh, my. You gotta teach jim how to do that.
Well, somebody ought to.
He's made a complete hash of things. (Cheryl sighs)
Gimme that.
Use delicate strokes, jim,
Parallel to the plantar fascia.
Guys, you know what I'd really like?
I'd like to go downstairs
And hang out on the sofa with you guys.
You know, I get kinda isolated up here. You know what I mean?
Yes. And yes only.
You know what?
Maybe we could all do something together,
Like--like a game night.
Game night?
You mean like... Where we...
Play games at night?
Yeah.
(Gasps)
Well... I don't know.
I don't know. Uh... Those don't seem to go so well here.
Sure they do. You know what I want to play?
I want to play pioneers of nowak. Oh, good god!
Cheryl, cheryl, now there's two things
We don't talk about in this house,
And that is playing pioneers of nowak
Or the time I saw your mother in the shower.
Hey, you could do a lot worse than seeing mom in the shower.
It was worse-- she wasn't alone.
And that is why we don't talk about it. (Door shuts)
Are you sure? Pioneers of nowak?
What's the big deal? Who was with mom, jim, huh?
Who was it? Was it--was it that gardener?
(Gasps) or the skunk from the library? I'll k*ll him!
Look, cheryl...
I don't want to be negative in any way,
But last year when we played that game,
It was kind of a disaster. It was fun.
I don't remember "fun.&Quot;
. Oh, crap.
That's a double kunka. Aw.
Yeah. We all have to discard half our hand.
All right. There you go. (Andy sighs)
Was that half?
Yep.
Huh. Okay.
Okay, my turn.
Okay, there you go.
! (Laughs)
Okay, this is a cannon, so I wipe out dana's village.
Aw. Oh! Sayonara, d-town.
(Laughs)
(Laughs) andy's stable of barmaids get syphilis.
Oh, damn it!
And I used my penicillin card on my rheumatic son.
Well, I gotta say, the syphilis is my fault.
You know what?
My soldiers get a little restless when there's no w*r.
And a hurricane wipes out... (Singsong voice) jim-ville.
W-w-wait a minute. We had a truce. You had a truce.
I had a plan-- to build my town square...
And win! (Gasps)
(Dana) aw. Yay!
What the "h"?!
That is three in a row.
I guess it's my night. Damn it! I should've never built those schools.
I should've stuck the boys in a mine
And sold the girls to andy.
Ugh! I'm getting a beer.
Oh, hey, you wanna get me one? No.
Thanks. I'd love to come with you.
Do you believe the luck of that woman?
Man!
No.
I cannot.
Wouldn't you say her winning streak
Is a wee bit suspicious?
No, andy, I wouldn't say that,
Because it sounds a wee bit fruity.
Well, jim,
Cheryl is cheating.
Cheryl? Cheating? The most honest woman in the world?
What are you, out of your mind? No.
I mean, she made a pledge to pbs,
Got the tote bag and still paid.
Okay, let me break it down for you.
On that last move, she won by playing three cards.
But on the previous turn,
She had to discard half her hand and only laid down two.
Do the math.
I can't.
Look, trust me. She's cheating.
Something's rotten in nowak village.
And it's not just the mattresses
From andy's house of billiards and whores.
Okay, my turn.
(Dice rattle)
!
(Laughs)
Cattle, creek, gold mine... Syphilis!
Damn it! Whoo! I win again!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. No way, no way. What?
You just played four cards... Yes.
When you couldn't possibly have more than two. Excuse me?
I think your winning streak is a wee bit suspicious.
Suspicious?
A wee bit.
But it's fruity when I say it.
What exactly are you saying about your loving wife--
The mother of your children?
I'm saying you're a cheater! (Gasps)
You are a cheater!
You cheated this game, you cheated the last game,
And I wanna see your canceled check from pbs.
How dare you?
Aw, save it, blondie.
There's no way you can b*at me
Three times in a row like that.
Oh, I see. I have to cheat 'cause I'm so stupid.
Come on, you cheated, you cheated.
You saw her cheat, andy. Back me up here.
Oh. Oh, I don't know, jim.
You know, i-- that--that's a little harsh.
Cheryl, you are hiding cards.
(Gasps) do you even hear yourself?
I bet he does. I bet the neighbors do, too.
I don't care. Let the neighbors hear, dana.
They should hear that cheryl's a cheater!
(Gasps) she's a cheater!
(Gasps) oh, my god.
Is that how you got elected treasurer of the p.t.a.?
(Gasps)
Everything's tainted now.
I am your wife. I will not be talked to like that.
Oh, really? How about this?
(Imitates pirate) I think you're a cheater.
(Normal voice) or how about this?
(Imitates pirate) methinks you're a cheater!
Those are actually the same voices.
Why don't we play a new game?
Ahem. It's called
&Quot;what happens when you mix white wine with red wine?&Quot;
Mm.
(Burps softly, grunts)
I think I won that round.
Yeah, dana? Well, don't play cheryl,
'Cause she'll just cheat!
Oh, the last time I played the wine game,
I almost cheated on my husband. (Laughs)
You know what? This conversation is over.
(Whispers) that's right. He must never find out.
(Slap)
Empty your pockets.
Don't do this, jim.
Cheryl mabel...
Empty your pockets.
Fine.
Search me if you like, jim,
But know this-- if you don't find any cards,
This marriage is as good as over.
(Inhales deeply)
When you say, "marriage is over,"
Do you mean, like, you know,
&Quot;great makeup sex in three days," or...
Or "you get half my stuff"?
The latter.
(Whispers) if it only costs you a ladder, jim...
I think I'd go for it.
(Laughs) i-i still have no clue
Where he got the idea that you were cheating. More lotion?
Well, jim did hurt my feelings,
But I think he learned his lesson.
Oh, yeah. I learned I really, really love my stuff.
I mean, you know, our stuff.
Our kids, our family, et cetera, et cetera.
So... Game on?
Oh, god, please, no.
(Imitates gypsy) a curse on you and all who bear your name.
Wait. Was that a gypsy curse or a pirate curse?
Aargh!
Pioneers of nowak it is.
Yay!
All right, andy and I are gonna get some snacks.
This is your last chance to eat pizza and watch hockey.
No, thanks.
Eat salad and watch hockey?
Nope.
Eat salad and watch oprah?
Watch oprah eat salad?
Just pioneers of nowak.
And maybe some salad.
Okay. (Laughs)
Ooh, it's gonna be a great night!
I know!
All right, what are you up to?
What do you mean?
(Scoffs) are you kidding?
I was there. I remember what really happened.
Ah, I'm gonna get a beer.
Wanna get me one? No.
Thanks, I'd love to join you.
What are those?
What? Where? Nothing.
You're sitting on a bunch of cards. No, I'm not.
Get up.
You get up.
Okay.
Now you get up.
I asked you first.
And I'm up.
And looking great. Are you on a diet?
Oh, get up!
Oh, no, no, no, no--oh!
Ha!
Oh, wow! How did those get there?
You know, they must have fallen out of my hand.
And crawled under your ass?
(Sighs) you're cheating.
Prove it!
I just did!
Oh, fine.
I just wanted to b*at jim.
Well... (Scoffs)
So do i, sometimes, mostly with a stick.
Can you imagine what he's gonna be like if he catches you?
All right. Pretend you're jim.
(Sniffs)
Cheryl mabel, you're cheating!
(Gasps) how dare you?
I suppose I can only b*at you by cheating
Because I'm so stupid.
This marriage is as good as over.
(Deep voice) you're right. I'm a big jerk.
Let me touch your boobs.
(Normal voice) you're right. That will work.
Yeah, although he normally doesn't ask.
He just sort of dives right in, but other than that...
I am not gonna just sit here
And play this stupid game all night,
When I know for a fact you're cheating. Fine. How about you sit there
And drink a lot of wine all night
While you know that I'm cheating?
Okay.
Tonight is our chance, jim.
We bait the trap,
And when she sticks in her little paw--slam!
We got that lying, cheating skank!
Andy!
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. She's not a skank.
But before you, there were a lot of guys.
Knock it off.
Lots.
Andy!
She threw it around like bird seed.
All right, knock it off.
Now come on. The last time you pulled this nonsense,
It cost me.
I felt really bad for weeks.
Then I had to pretend I felt bad for weeks after that.
So just knock it off.
Okay, okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa. Watch the cards.
(Whispers) watch the cards.
And watch dana.
(Normal voice) she gets a little jim fever
When she's been drinkin'. (Slap)
It's fun.
Sure it is. Whatever.
You're looking good, jim.
(Mouths word)
All right. My turn.
If I roll an or better, I win.
And if I can infect some of andy's cows with syphilis,
Just gravy.
Shoulda never put that brothel in the hayloft.
(Dice clatter on board)
(Groans) .
Okay. All right.
Now that's a-- that's a double kunka.
We all have to discard.
All of us.
Did you put in enough cards?
Are you questioning me?
I think we all know how well that went last time.
Ah, who cares?
As long as we're all having a good time, right?
! (Laughs)
Okay, jim, good luck rebuilding...
(Singsong voice) after that tornado.
(Gasps) look at her butt! Look at her butt! Ah!
What? Look!
Nothing! No, no, no! She--she--she has two more tornadoes
And a cannonball down there! I'll prove it. Nothing! No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Come on! Give it up! She's pregnant!
(Dana) oh! (Gasps) oh!
Oh! Cheater! You cheater!
(Gasps) and she had my syphilis vaccine. Damn it!
Stop yelling at me.
I'm going into labor. You're bringing on contractions.
Ow! Ow!
Ow, ow...
My water broke.
(Weakly) ow.
Andy, dana,
I think you should both probably go.
(Groans) oh.
And, andy, I think you should drive dana.
That's right, I'm drunk.
And, jim...
You know. (Laughs)
And, cheryl, I spit in your tea.
And, andy,
That man in the shower with mom?
Your old piano teacher.
(Gasps) mr. Carruthers?
Yes. Seems he was tickling more than the ivories.
(Door shuts)
(Sighs) all right, jim.
Go ahead. Tell me what a terrible person I am.
Believe me, I'd love to, but I can't.
Give me one good reason why. Well, first of all, you're pregnant,
And my alcoholic grandmother instilled
An irrational fear of gypsies in me.
Oh, I see.
You're afraid to yell at me.
Chicken.
I am not a chicken.
(Imitates chicken clucking)
(Imitates chicken clucking)
(Imitates chicken clucking) what the-- you know I hate that!
I hate that chicken voice! Oh, yeah? How about this voice?
I'm a cheater, and you're a chicken, matey! Oh, stop it right now.
Aargh! (Imitates chicken clucking) stop that noise right now!
Aargh! (Imitates chicken clucking) stop that!
Aargh, aargh, aargh! What are you doing? What are you--
What the hell are you doing here?
You trying to pick a fight? Oh, if I wanted to pick a fight,
I'd pick a fight with a real man. All right, that's it!
That is it. Gypsy curses be damned! Oh, really? Oh, oh, oh.
I've had enough of this crap! Oh, oh, oh, oh. You gonna do something about it?
You're damn right I am. Oh, really? Aw!
You punished me for seven weeks
The last time we played this game,
And--oh, my god, you do wanna fight.
Oh, that--why would I pick a fight with you?
You've been nothing but nice to me this whole pregnancy.
Because when we argue, there's heat, and you miss that. Bah!
No, no, no, you miss the emotional intimacy.
I mean, I know I miss the real intimacy,
So you must miss the ladylike intimacy.
Okay, genius.
Then tell me why I cheated a year ago.
Because of the same reason.
You poke the marriage every once in a while
Just to keep it alive,
And I'm sensing when you said, "genius,"
You were being sarcastic. (Goofy voice) ya think?
You just did it again. (Scoffs)
Yeah, you're picking a fight with me.
What are you doing?
I don't know. Maybe I'm tired of this "yes man.&Quot;
So you miss the fight?
(Stammers) maybe I do miss the fight.
May-maybe-- maybe I miss the intimacy.
You know, jim, I miss you.
(Sighs)
(Imitating pirate) well, never let it be said, matey,
That I didn't give my wife exactly what she wanted.
(Normal voice) so...
You wanna fight?
Oh, yeah. I wanna fight.
I'll give you a fight...
You pathetic, cheating, tubby tub of lard!
Oh! (Pants)
Did anybody ever tell you you look like a boiled thumb?
Oh, come on! You can do better than that.
That's all you got? (Imitating pirate) oh, I have plenty more
Where that came from, matey. Matey! Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!
I'll give you more right now. You called me a chicken like a-- that's right, that's right! (Imitating chicken clucking)
Was that a good enough fight for you, baby?
You rocked my world.
But I may want to fight again in minutes.
(Laughs)
Mm.