Hey j-dawg. Can I get a what-what?
What?
And one more?
What?!
Ah. My man, kickin' it old-school.
Ah. Get outta here.
Whatcha doin'?
Ah, I'm making a list of all the things
I want cheryl to do when she gets off of bed rest.
Hey, uh, is "fence post" one word or two?
Wait. You've got her digging fences?
You're damn right. During her whole pregnancy,
I've been doing all the housework.
As soon as her doctor signs off on her lady business,
I want her doing some of my jobs.
&Quot;mow lawn"... Yep.
&Quot;rake leaves"... Mm-hmm.
You know, jim, we could make some money here.
I'm pretty sure there's a fetish market on the internet
For pregnant women doing yard work.
Actually, i-i'm very sure there is.
Andy, you are sick!
But you'll send me that link, right?
Oh, yeah.
♪♪♪
You know, andy, the best part of this whole thing
Is when cheryl goes off of bed rest,
We can finally get back to bed action.
Mm. Wow. That--that is good news.
It is.
You get to have sex with my pregnant sister
While...
While my unborn twin nephews watch on in horror.
Andy, it's been nine months.
If they blink once, they'll miss it.
Hey, guys.
Hey, there's the queen of my castle.
(Laughs)
I mean, it's not quite a castle.
I mean, castles have fences.
Um, honey, first of all, the--the babies are fine,
But the doctor really doesn't want me on my feet
Until I go into labor, so I'm still on bed rest.
Bed rest?
Are you sure he said "bed rest"
And not "you should be fed less"?
No. No?
Do you want me to help you upstairs?
No, thanks, honey. I'm fine.
Look, uh, jim?
Yeah, cheryl? I-i know you're disappointed, and I really wanted
To start pitching in around here, too, but...
It's no big deal, honey, really. Come on.
I didn't even think about it.
You're the best.
I am the best, aren't i? Yeah.
(Grunts)
What's that?
Ah, it's just a list of things I gotta do
Before the babies get here. Oh, well, I'd be happy to pitch in.
Well, I don't know why you'd wanna-- oh, I don't think you really wanna--
&Quot;play pregnant stripper who needs cash to pay rent"? Gimme that.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Stuck doing my own lawn work.
The good news is, jim,
I'm--i'm pretty sure there's a fetish site on the internet
For husky blue-collar guys doing yard work.
Actually, I'm very sure there is.
Queen cheryl wants her favorite cereal.
Queen cheryl wants her organic raisins.
Queen cheryl wants her lightbulbs!
Ah! A-actually, I needed the lightbulbs,
But, ah, that's okay.
A grown man can go one night
Without f*ring up the old easy-bake.
Oh, andy, I need a break.
I just wanted a couple days
Between the pregnancy and the birth... Yeah.
Have a little sex,
Maybe even a repaved driveway.
This has been a tough time for you, jim. I know it. Yeah. Yeah.
I tell you what-- you buy me some new lightbulbs,
And we'll see if a -inch tray of snickerdoodles
Doesn't turn that frown upside down, huh? Aah.
Huh? Hello, jim.
Oh, dr. Collins, how are you?
Andy, this is cheryl's lady doctor. Oh.
How are ya?
Ew.
But, jim, why are you shopping?
I mean, this is exactly the kind of thing
Cheryl should be doing, now that she's off bed rest. No, j-jim--jim,
This isn't what cheryl said when she got home.
Hey, are you lying to us, man?
Because that would be in very poor taste.
I don't even know you, man! Andy, andy, andy, andy!
Come on! Andy!
Come on!
Andy!
Dr. Collins...
You told her about the bed rest this morning?
Yes. Isn't that good news?
Oh, it's good news, doctor.
Oh, it's very good news indeed.
Andy, direct me to the whup-ass aisle.
I'll be needing several cans.
Oh! There's the mother of my children.
Resting in bed as per the doctor's orders.
Yes.
So were you guys shopping?
Shopping? Of course.
Uh, what saturday haven't I shopped
In the last nine months?
Yep. Nothing's different.
Mnh-mnh.
Jim's shopping. You're lying in bed,
As per the doctor's orders. Yes.
Did you guys get me my ice cream?
Ooh, did we remember her ice cream? This ice cream here?
Ooh, this ice cream indeed. Are you gonna give it to me?
Oh, I'm gonna give it to ya.
I'm gonna give it to ya, baby.
Yeah!
Oh!
What the hell?
All right. What's going on here?
I don't know. What's going on here?
I'm in the dark.
Maybe these bulbs will light up the subject.
No. No, no. No. Aah! Damn it!
Guess who I ran into at the grocery mart today, cheryl.
Here's a s*ab-- dr. Collins,
And he told you I'm not on bed rest.
And he told me you were not--
Okay, so you guessed.
My wife is a big, fat liar!
And I always thought this marriage
Was based on your honesty.
All right, what's going on?
I saw ice cream flying out the window
And andy running down the stairs muttering,
&Quot;my bulbs, my beautiful bulbs.&Quot;
Jim figured out I was faking.
Aw, crap.
What, you were in on this, too?
Oh, my god, cheryl, how deep does this go?
Are you even pregnant?
No, jim. No, she's not pregnant.
And guess what else.
She's a dude.
Okay, okay, here's the truth.
If I get up and start moving around...
(Voice breaking) these babies are gonna pop out,
And this family is gonna be changed forever.
Cheryl, cheryl, come on with the crying.
Stop with the crying. (Crying) I know, I know.
Come on. You're not the victim.
I'm the victim! I should be crying.
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
I guess I just wanted to savor
These last few days before everything changed.
But--but, honey, it was wrong. (Sobs)
And I'm so sorry.
But, cheryl, the doctor said--
(Sobbing)
And for these seven months I've been--
(Wails)
This sucks!
I totally caught you red-handed as a big, fat liar,
And you double-cross me
With legitimate, deep, emotional feelings.
Actually, she triple-crossed you.
She's a dude.
Oh, stop it!
I-i'm sorry, honey. I-i'm sorry. I was wrong.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What are--what are you doing here? I'm getting up. I'm not on bed rest.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, cheryl, wait. Wait a minute.
If--if it's that important to you,
Why don't you just stay in bed
And enjoy yourself the last couple days?
Really? Yeah, really.
Are you sure?
I said, "really.&Quot; don't push it.
And if you really want that ice cream,
I probably could scrape the ants and the broken lightbulb off it.
I'll go get it.
Or you could just go back to the store.
Fine.
Wow, I knew you were faking, but I didn't know
It was driven by legitimate, deep, emotional feelings.
Well... (Sniffles)
Now that jim's gone, I can tell you that...
Maybe they weren't that legitimate.
Or deep or emotional, really.
Wait. You were lying?
(Sighs) yeah.
Again? Why?
Mama's not cookin'. Mama's not cleanin'.
Mama's not diggin' no fence posts.
Mama's a bad mama.
Can I get a what-what?
(Laughs)
(Vacuum whirring)
(Vacuum turns off) I don't know what's the matter with this thing.
It doesn't work.
Huh. I've been having the same problem with my easy-bake oven.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. (Gasps)
Is--is this what I think it is? Is this what-- yeah, jim, this is the, uh--
Let him say it. Let him say it.
(Plays fanfare)
(British accent) "hear ye, hear ye.
&Quot;by order of stevie b,
&Quot;emperor of ribs, viceroy of barbecue sauce
&Quot;and sovereign ruler of all things grilled,
You are hereby anointed king for a day...&Quot;
Yes!
&Quot;on the stevie b's rib cafe
Booze and blues cruise on the lake.&Quot;
Yes! (Gasps)
You will reign for hours
As the "s.s. Babyback" sails to the far-off shores
Of an exotic land known only as... Michigan.
(Gasps)
If it pleases your highness--
Oh, it pleases my highness greatly!
Good. We set sail tomorrow at : a.m.
It may also please your highness to, uh...
(Normal voice) bring a light jacket
And cash for premium well drinks.
Yeah, tell stevie b that I wanna do that--
(British accent) tell him that I accept thine offer.
(British accent) by your leave, sire.
Okay. Leave.
Leave. (Normal voice) I'm leaving.
(Normal voice) leave! Leave! Leave!
Ha ha ha! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, king for a day! Yes, yes.
This is exactly what you deserve.
(British accent) I deserve it. I deserve it.
This is your reward. My reward.
For the way you've treated cheryl for the last nine months.
(Normal voice) cheryl... Curses!
What?
I can't go to sea for hours
When the big white whale is about to blow!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ugh!
Why not?
You are the king.
Yeah, but be serious.
I am serious.
Cheryl's back on bed rest, jim.
These babies may not come for days.
And you...
You deserve this.
That's true.
And if I miss the delivery,
We can always start a new life in michigan.
Unless those babies come out before we set sail,
I see no reason why you can't go.
No reason.
No reason at all.
(Chuckles evilly)
(Whispers) long live the king.
Long live the king!
Long live the king!
You know, cheryl, I gotta hand it to you.
Punishing a guy who's been a bonehead is one thing,
But punishing a guy
Who's been an absolute prince for the last nine months,
Bra-vo.
Don't say it like that.
You make me sound like a horrible person.
You are a horrible person. You're my role model. Oh.
I'm thinking about faking a pregnancy
Just to get my husband to take out the trash.
Oh, my god. What am I doing?
He's been so good for nine months. And so rotten for the last years.
This is nuts. Dana, help me up.
I gotta get these babies out of me.
No, no, cheryl, get back in bed.
No, punish him. Just... Grind him into the dirt! Dana.
Cheryl, if you go down there, then he wins.
And you know what that means? We're gonna see a victory dance.
Oh, don't worry. He doesn't do that anymore.
Oh!
Whoo!
Jim, I have been to "riverdance" five times.
They have nothing on what you just did.
Oh, I felt it, too, andy.
Ever since they made me the king, I've changed inside.
I see the good in the world,
Not just pregnancy and babies. Oh. (Laughs)
I'm the king! You are the king. (Laughs)
Jim? Yes.
Honey, I have something important to tell you. Oh, I have something to tell you.
I think we should have sex. I like what you're thinking. Go, get out.
Go. Jim! Cheryl!
You're making a big mistake.
Yeah, we'll make a few mistakes
'Cause we haven't done it for a while. Go.
Uh, jim, uh, I'm pretty sure
There's a fetish site on the internet-- get out!
Okay. Okay, where do you wanna do it?
Oh, we're gonna need some room. (Table scrapes floor)
Should I get some newspapers for the rug?
Honey, don't you wanna know why I wanna do it?
No, I just wanna do it. I wanna do it and fall asleep
While you're telling me why we should do it. Okay, but listen to me,
Because making love is a great way to induce labor.
(Exhales deeply) cheryl, "making love"
Is a very fancy term for what's about to happen.
You know, if this works,
We could have these babies tonight.
Excuse me. What?
We could have these babies tonight.
Look, honey, I know you're tired of taking care of me,
So the sooner we have sex, the sooner I go into labor.
Tonight, huh?
(Sighs) oh, cheryl...
Just not in the mood.
Not in the mood?
You got kicked in the junk by a horse,
And you were still in the mood.
What can I tell you, cheryl?
I'm not just like a lightbulb you can turn on and off. Boobs.
(Breathy voice) not working.
What's going on?
Is it... 'Cause you're not attracted to me
When I look like this?
If I say yes, will you go away?
Are you sure you're not in the mood? (Grunts)
Hey, we could play
&Quot;pregnant stripper needs tips to pay the rent.&Quot;
Cheryl, I don't like that game.
I find it very demeaning
To pregnant women, strippers and renters.
You know, I'm starting to think
You don't want these twins to come. I don't, not yet.
I mean, I was thinking about what you were saying
The other night about preserving the family,
And I gotta be honest with you. You won me over.
You're right. I'm wrong. All right, you don't wanna have sex,
And you just admitted to being wrong.
Either you're having an affair,
Or you're doing something insane you don't want me to know about.
(Sighs) her name is sue.
Really?
Where'd you meet her?
At the gym.
She's a, uh, you know, a spinning instructor.
What's spinning?
Hula hoops?
All right, jim, come on. Spill it. What's going on?
Nothing's going on
Except for my undying love for you and our children
In our current family structure. Oh, I see.
Then I guess you probably don't want me to shake the twins out
By doing this. Oh, wow. Oh, dear. Oh, my god, honey. Oh, cheryl! Oh, cheryl, you're testing my undying love!
Oh, honey, they're coming! I think a hand just popped out!
Oh, cheryl, stop it! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! What?
Stop it. All right.
They made me king for a day
On the stevie b's blues and booze cruise
On the lake tomorrow for hours.
(Clears throat) okay.
I am about to give birth. Yes.
And you wanna go on a boat on a lake
For hours eating ribs?
Yes, cheryl, I do. I think I deserve it.
I mean, for the past nine months,
I've been taking care of you and the children and the-- you should go.
I take 'em to school. I-i-i do the laundry. Yeah.
I do all the cooking for 'em. I know. You're right.
I-i do the floor. You're right.
I mean, the vacuum cleaner needs to be fixed. Go on the cruise.
I think I've really deserved and earned this mo--what's that?
You should go on the cruise.
Okay, blondie, what's the game?
Look, honey, I admit the cruise sounds a little bit selfish,
But I've been pretty selfish myself.
No, you were just trying to preserve our family
In its current structure.
Well, actually, the current structure
I was trying to preserve
Was you doing everything while I sat around on my ass.
But you had legitimate, deep, emotional feelings, cheryl.
(Imitates sobbing) legitimate, deep, emotional--
(Normal voice) yeah, faked.
(Sighs)
You pulled off a double fake.
Bravo, cheryl.
Wait a minute. Is dana right? Are you a dude?
Oh, jim.
(Scoffs) no.
I think I just went a little crazy, you know,
Thinking about what it's gonna be like with five kids.
(Both sigh)
Me, too.
Really?
Yeah. Five kids are a lot, cheryl. It's a lot.
Whew.
How the hell are we gonna handle it?
(Scoffs) probably not by lying and tricking each other.
(Sighs) hate to give that one up.
(Laughs)
Oh, honey. (Exhales deeply)
Oh, I guess I'm not gonna get
My ice cream and gossip magazines.
Yeah, I'm not gonna get my ribs
Or be able to pee off the side of the boat.
I'm sorry.
Ah, it's all right.
Wait a minute.
Do you think that you could handle
Holding off your raging desire for me for a few hours?
I think I can manage.
(Trumpets play fanfare)
All this with just one phone call?
Well, I may not be on the blues cruise,
But I'm still the king!
(Imitates trumpet playing fanfare)
Hear ye, hear ye.
In honor of the king and queen,
I present for thy royal pleasure
Stevie b's smoked meats and hush puppies.
(British accent) as your king,
I declare this... Forsooth!
(Normal voice) "forsooth" is good, right?
As you wish, my king.
Mmm.
Wh--my king? Yes.
You have some sauce on your chin. (Grunts)
Wench? Where's my wench?!
Yes, milady?
Milord needs his chin wiped.
Ugh. Oh, I'm not doing that.
He's just gonna look down my dress again.
Forsooth.
You do it.
And call me when you have the stupid babies.
(British accent) would you like to join me
In the royal bedchambers, my wench?
I thought I was the queen.
(Normal voice) oh, believe me,
You'll be wearing a few hats before the night's over.
Except... My water just broke. Your water just broke?
Oh, we're never gonna get that guck off the throne!
Wiping wench! (Door opens and shuts)
Honey, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to take me
To the hospital. Fine, fine, fine, pack a small bag.
I-i'm already packed. No, no, of the royal feast.
I'm not carrying it. I'm the king!