06x02 - Shitstorm Coming

[bunniefuu]

Yes, sir, I am aware
of the time... Of course, sir.

No, sir, we would never...

- I'll tell you something...
- I understand that.

- ...and I don't want you to take offense.
- Mmm-hmm.

Your breakfast smells
like the inside of an assh*le.

- Uh-huh.
- None taken.

Of course, Governor, I assure you,
we're doing everything...

Yes. I understand. Loud and clear. Okay.

Sir?

Okay! Our timeline's been chopped again.
We've got less than a week to deliver.

- A week?
- Under a week.

The governor's got Blue Lives Matter
crawling up his ass

along with police lobbying groups,

the families of the dead guards.
They want charges.

And BOP wants this over
before the ACLU starts heavy sniffing,

giving the media another reason to run
that clip of the burning Cheetos.

Put it together, we're holding
lit dynamite with sh*t on it.

When do we interview the inmates
that went to the Ohio facility?

- What to do with sh*t-smeared dynamite?
- Well, I...

Take it to Ohio?

Locals in Ohio will get statements,

but we'll rely on the CO statements
you two got,

and the testimony of the inmates here.

No one who was in that riot, whether they
participated or not, goes back to Minimum.

BOP says they need at least
five inmates to eat big charges.

So, we'll finalize Diaz's plea today,

and from this bunch we'll owe
a life sentence for m*rder,

and three minimum tens
for the riot leaders.

What am I smelling?

- Jackie has me seeing a nutritionist.
- It's horrendous. Make it go away.

Let's make this easier on ourselves.

None of the CO statements pointed
at Tasha Jefferson being responsible...

Like it matters.
She's the face people saw in the videos.

You need to fill out the other riot slots.
Who'd the CO statements point to?

There were mentions
of Mendoza, Ruiz, maybe Flores.

Make sure you can indict
at least one of them.

Let's prosecute a rainbow, shall we?

Ugh, I can still smell it.
That is f*cking ungodly.

We could use it to t*rture inmates
into confessions.

Always thinking, Nguyen. Nice.

Where'd y'all take Suzanne?

Where Suzanne at?

You need help shutting that mouth?

No, sir. I'm good.

- You sure?
- I'm good.

Okay.

Taystee!

T! Look at me, God damn it!

Dear Taystee... sh*t!

Can't write her name.

Oh.

Giant k*lled. Cops framing us.

Exercise hour, inmate.

An opportunity to replenish your resources
with physical renewal.

Hands.

Hands.

Hands. Girl in gen pop got her face
slashed last week. Can't be too careful.

My leg gets numb sometimes.

- I sat for too long.
- You need to stay more active.

Let alone more proactive.

It's a habit of successful people.

I got an aunt from Michigan, had gout.

I bet that's what happened to her.

Couldn't get more proactive.

Nothing to do with
her love of organ meats.

Come on.

T.

Do you intend to charge her formally?

It's up to Lieutenant Columbo.
It's his case.

I've never seen one this thick before.

Oh, it's like a dinosaur!
A big, black dinosaur cock!

You're gonna stretch out my tiny p*ssy
with that...

Hey! Knock it off!

It's a g*dd*mn PE class out there.

Stop bouncing the ball!
It's too early for that kind of noise!

It's 12:23. Go to work!

Not that it's any of your business,
but I am on paid suspension.

- If you're gonna lie to me about it...
- I'm not lying!

It's a complicated situation

that I'm taking the hit for
that you will not understand!

So now stop disturbing the entire
neighborhood with your stupid racket!

Mr. Kingston.
Yes, just give us a moment.

Stretch out my tiny p*ssy.

We're getting a few...

Eat a d*ck.

Wait here. They'll get you some Tylenol
for your face.

And it would also do wonders
for those bags under your eyes...

- Lorna? Lorna!
- No cuts, basehead.

- I'm trying to get to my friend.
- I'm 'posed to give a f*ck, basehead?

Why do you keep saying "basehead"?

She smoked so much rock
she forgot what they call it.

Are you calling me a crackhead?

Yes! You smoke up your whole vocabulary?

- She ain't a crackhead.
- Thank you.

Trista? We used to smoke meth
near the Chuck E. Cheese off 95.

Check it out. It's Trista.
Mikey's cousin's mom.

- How many kids you got now, Trista?
- I'm not Trista. Lorna!

I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

Lorna, it's me. It's Chapman.

Oh, of course! Don't worry, you look fine.

How are you?

I'm not so great.
It's very different here.

These girls are psychos.

They will come at you
for just looking at them wrong.

And my bunkie,
she does four poops a day. Four.

Have you seen Alex? Was she on your bus?

No. Not that I was lookin' around
a whole bunch.

I was mainly weeping softly,

but also trying to stay positive.
For the baby.

Oh, that's right. Nicky told us.

I'm just so glad that our bus came here,
so I'm still close to Vinnie.

The other buses, I hear,
went all over the country.

Have you seen Nicky or Red?

They're in Administrative Segregation
with me.

Hey, listen, I've been feeling so guilty
about leaving you guys.

People say you're gonna
get pegged for the riot.

Like you might get extra time
on your sentence.

It's like when a whole group of you
are running from the security guard

after lifting something at Sephora,

and the ones at the back
are gonna get grabbed,

and they have to show the security guard
their titties so they don't get arrested.

You guys all have your tits out.

Extra time?

- Go, bitch.
- Sorry.

Chapman, you take care of yourself, okay?

I gotta take my prenatals now.

Morello.

Morello. Folic acid, paroxetine.

No, that's not me. You got me all wrong.
If anything, I was on your side.

Then why are several COs telling us
you locked them in porta-potties?

- That could be considered t*rture.
- I wasn't torturing nobody.

You have kids?
You want to see them grow up?

You're looking at a decade
added to your sentence.

Gonna have to ask you to step outside.

This room has been commandeered
as part of a federal investigation.

Three minutes. I need to eat hourly
or I'll blow my gains.

Popcorn's high volume, low calorie.

Lot of people don't know that.
Lot of bang for your buck.

Get it? 'Cause when the popcorn pops...

You can pop the popcorn,
but you have to wait outside.

No, I have to wait until there are
two to three seconds in between pops.

If I go outside,
I'll miss that window and it'll burn.

Burnt things give you cancer.

Just undershoot it!
Put it in for 30 seconds less!

Look. I don't know what you heard,

but I was trying to get those guards
out of the prison safely.

Ask the head of MCC, Jack something!

I risked my own safety
to help them escape.

No. Who was that?

- Ruiz.
- Right. Ruiz helped the guards.

Let me tell you what the f*ck Ruiz did.

She started this riot in the first place.
Pushing Daya to use the g*n.

Ask that guard, um, McCullough!

Ruiz was ordering
all the other girls around,

telling them to t*rture the guards,
made everyone take off their name tags.

What else did she do?

What else?

She's been cooking this up
for a long time.

I heard her in the cafeteria
plotting this whole riot thing

two weeks before it happened.

That's some premeditation sh*t
right there.

So you know, this is, like, half kernels.

So, Ruiz.

That's right.

Start from the beginning.

Sorry, sorry. I know I'm late,
but I have a good reason.

I won a trial.

Congratulations?

I shouldn't brag, but I'm so shocked.

I thought this guy
was going down for at least 15.

You should've seen this AUSA,
smooth as silk, Eric Troutman.

Yale. You're gonna see him
on the ballot in a few years.

Anyway, he is virtually undefeated,
and I'm coming off a hefty slump...

Hold up. Hold up. A hefty slump?

Man, Tatelbaum told me
he was sending in a big g*n.

Are you even Jewish?

You lookin' mighty shegetz to me.

I assure you, I'm Jewish.

On your mama's side?

On both sides.

And I was in a slump
because I take difficult cases.

If I took easy ones,
I would still have hair.

Kidding, it's hereditary.
It started vanishing in my mid-20s.

But it's a sign of high testosterone.

We are here to talk about you.

I love your meme, by the way.

Wasn't sure how you take it, so I got
the same as mine. Two sugars.

Mmm-hmm.

I guess this will do.

So, down to business.

For rioting
and incitement to riot charges,

they tend to go after organizers.

Did you organize the riot?

- Nope.
- Good.

Good. Concise.

The meme doesn't exactly help us,
but it says follower more than instigator.

We'll highlight any actions
you were taking to end things peacefully.

What do you know about this guard
who was k*lled?

CO Piscatella?

Nothing. I wasn't there.

Great. This should be easy, then.

Oh, sh*t. Cindy. f*ck!

- Be quiet!
- Mmm-hmm!

Oh, my God! Shut the f*ck up
before you get us caught!

All right, girl,
you know I like them titties.

Did they just get bigger?

You missed this, didn't you?

You know I'd be in this sh*t
every night if it wasn't for...

If what? You didn't have a girlfriend?

Come on, you know that
ain't got nothing to do with this.

All right? sh*t!

No, not my b*tches.

Let me see this.

I put it in my locker.
I'll show you later.

Watch that sh*t be
in hell right now.

Why half the lights out?
It's darker than Curtis' gums in here.

Ain't dark as your burnt marshmallow mama.

This from a fool look like a cross
between Nelly and a black Twizzler.

Ah! She went on this n*gga, yo!

Don't come at me 'cause y'all was
in the dark like some dumbasses.

Yeah, right. They was f*ckin' in here.

This n*gga, Curt, was in Cindy p*ssy
wrecking it like... Bong! Bong!

Ain't my goodie box gettin' wrecked.
I'd wring his thing out like wet laundry.

And he'd be on his knees.

"Cindy, what you do?
I'm ruined for all other women!"

Oh, sh*t, Jasmine be all like,
"What happened to your d*ck, n*gga?"

He all like, "Jasmine, baby,
you don't understand!

Cindy p*ssy be crushin' it!"

f*ck you say about Jasmine? Hmm?

Yo! It was a joke!

Keep Jasmine's name
out your mouth!

On my mama, that's my girl.

- Never say anything about her.
- Chill, son. It was a joke.

Yeah, whatever.

Stupid ass n*gga...

Awkward.

Yo, your boy is lunchin'.

Come on. Coach G 'bout to be pissed.

L, in Lobster.

M, in Mattress Warehouse.

Two in a row. Come on, brother.
I'm smokin' you.

Uh, yeah. Sure.

I know I invited myself along,
but I really needed this road trip.

Something to take my mind off things.

And you shouldn't be alone either.
N, in Nathan's.

This isn't really a road trip.

I'm just dropping you off
at your sister's.

Damn straight, it's not. We got no snacks.

You at least got gum or something?

There's nothing in there.

- What's this?
- It's nothing. Put it back.

"Hersheypark,
world's largest Buffalo wing,

Nic Cage's tomb,
that mall from The Mighty Ducks movie."

This is a bucket list.

No, it's just some stuff
I'm gonna see after I drop you off.

No, it's not.
It's stuff we're gonna see. Together.

f*ck my sister. She's a bitch.
Her house smells like hairspray and soup.

No! I'm taking you to your sister's.
This is a solo road trip.

So you can k*ll yourself after?

No f*cking way, brother.
I can read between the lines.

I'm not going anywhere.

O, in Oil Change.

Uh, I'm not suicidal, I just...

I just wanna be alone.
I'm dropping you off and that's it.

I'm not afraid to say
we went through some real sh*t.

Brought up some darkness.

You think I'm a p*ssy,
sitting here bitchin' about my feelings?

Let me tell you, brother,
there's a shitstorm coming.

And if you try to ignore it, it'll explode

when you're waiting in line
at Wegmans' hot food bar

with a whole thing of orange chicken
and they run out of rice.

P, in Parkway.

I gotta pee. P in pee.

That's good.

Q, QuickShop. That's a sign.

I'm gonna grab some Cajun peanuts.

Ditch him already!
He's taking up all of our together time!

- I'm trying!
- Are you?

I can hear you playing the alphabet game.

Cajun peanuts. Everybody knows you have
Slim JJims and Zotz on a road trip.

Penn, I'm gonna get rid of him, I promise.

I want to ride the Lightning Racer
with you, not with Dixon.

You're so much hotter.

I am hot.

In case you have to pee.

Oh, my God.

It's like they want me to just disappear.

They want me to just take my check
and fade into the scenery

while they villainize
a bunch of girls who...

who were born a couple miles
south of hardship

and took the only road in sight.

That's a Side Boob lyric, but it's true.

I don't want to give them
that f*cking satisfaction.

There are institutional problems!
I've been listening to podcasts.

What do you mean by that?

I mean what I was saying, man.

Podcasts, institutional problems,
those lyrics from "Misery Road."

I'm not gonna pretend
I was a flawless warden,

- but to be put out to pasture like that?
- Am I right?

I figured if there was anybody who had
some perspective on it, it would be you.

This is basically...
They did the same thing to you.

What do you mean?

You're not listening
to anything I'm telling you!

You're right, Joseph.
I haven't been listening.

I'm not gonna lie.

I guess I'm just past
the Litchfield leg of my life's journey.

I want to empathize, but I can't.

I don't live there anymore. Not here.
Here, I've moved on.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about acceptance,
disrupting the negative thought patterns

that I've fostered for my entire life.

Why do you think I suggested
Siren Smoothie?

I'm filling my life with positivity.
Places that bring me joy.

They have a secret menu.

I didn't know that.

Like this.

This is green Jolly Rancher flavor.

This is where I want to live.

Green Jolly Rancher.
Not in a prison of the mind.

Let me ask you something.

How do I just do nothing? It's k*lling me.

I got no more come.

I got no more Cap'n Crunch,
no more Columbo episodes.

f*cking everything
drives me nuts. Everything.

I don't know, man.
I don't have all the answers.

But I do know this, you don't make waves,
man, you ride 'em.

And if MCC wants to give you a check
and tells you to go away,

then you take that check,
and you go that way.

And while you're at it,
give yourself some joy.

Yeah.

Hi, Rebecca.

All right, Ruiz. You're up.

Trista. Back against the wall.

Hurry up, Hoefler.
I don't want any more problems with you.

But someone's in my Ad Seg cell.

We're doubling up because of the cookies.

Should we talk
about sleeping arrangements?

I have my bed.
I don't give a sh*t where you sleep.

Uh, you must be one of the riot girls?

I heard you cut off a guard's privates
and flushed them.

Do I look like a Trista?

What do you see when you look at me?

I used to think
there were two versions of me.

That there was the version of me in here,

who smoked cr*ck, had a g*ng
that punished people for crossing her.

And then the real me, she was out there,

and she hadn't done any of those things.

But now I realize there isn't another me.

There's only this me.

And I don't know what to do with that.

Honey...

Don't you f*cking touch me!
Don't you ever f*cking touch me.

And we never would've flushed
the guard's privates down the toilet.

Would've clogged the pipes.

We would've thrown 'em
down the porta-potty.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're telling us you didn't insert
a baton into the rectal cavity

of any of the COs being held.

I didn't lay a finger on nobody.

We have testimony, says you ordered it.

Testimony from who?

You don't ask the questions.

b*tches will say the sky is green
to save themselves.

But we should believe you
that you didn't organize a riot.

I'm not saying that.
I'm saying, trust what you know.

And what is it that
you think we know, Ms. Ruiz?

Open the door, please.

- Open the door. I'll be super fast.
- Should I...

- Don't.
- Pretend he's not there.

Open it!

I'm on a regimen. You're blowing my gains!

Are you happy about this?
Come on! I swear to God!

You were telling us
what you think we know.

You know that I risked my life
to get those hostages out.

Funny. Other inmates
have said the same thing.

I bet there's a line of b*tches
from here to Queens

saying they helped get the hostages out.

But the only person that got them out

is the person that walked out
with the hostages.

Everything else is just talk.

The testimony about you ordering
prisoners to t*rture guards?

How do you think I got enough trust
to get them out?

You think Mendoza would let me
walk out with those hostages?

Gloria Mendoza?

Oh! Oh...

She got to you already, didn't she?

I bet she made it sound like she had
nothing to do with any of this.

Blamed it on somebody else.
That's what she does.

Hey, you!
You're violating our religious rights!

- Me?
- Yes, you!

Over here! To your right! That's right.

Warmer. Warmer. Warmer.

Uh-huh.

I need to go to the chapel and pray
in observation of a religious holiday.

Chapel hours for Ad Seg inmates

are from 6:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.
on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Exceptions are made
for religious holidays.

Requests must be submitted
six days in advance,

unless there are extenuating
circumstances, which are not enumerated.

What holiday is it?

El Día de Anunción de la Soledad.

What religion is that?

- I'm Puerto Rican, so it's Catholic.
- My dad is Puerto Rican and Catholic.

Hey, look at that.
I knew you had some flavor in you.

But he never celebrated
El Día de Anunción de la Soledad?

Yeah, well, the cult of the Holy Virgin
is like the mullet of religions.

Catholic in the front,
Santería in the back.

Plus, it's for ladies.

Anyone who is a member
of the cult of the Holy Virgin

has a right to celebrate
this day in prayer!

Okay? Anybody wanna pray with me! Blanca?

Yes! I'm also a member
of this Holy Virgin cult.

Me, too. I am also a member.
Do we get to leave our cells?

The three of us deserve the right

to celebrate this day in prayer,
together in a group.

This doesn't feel very extenuating.

I'm sure that the federal agents
that are here

will find it interesting to know

you're refusing to allow us
our most important worship day.

Especially since you already made us miss

La Fiesta de la Soledad
de la Virgen Inmaculada.

That already passed?

Yeah!

Is that where
the kids get to drink the wine?

Yeah.

Looks pretty good.

Hey, Fig, it's JJoe.

Uh, straight to voicemail, huh?

I know I'm supposed to be texting
instead of calling, but, uh...

Well, this is a dinner invitation,
and I'm old-fashioned.

So give me a shout
when you get this. Okay.

Give me that brontosaurus rex cock!

And then I remember I had a weird feeling
in the pit of my stomach.

Turns out, I was gassy,
so I went looking for milk of magnesia,

and, to my recollection,
that was approximately 11:42 a.m.

I knew it was 11:42
'cause I remember looking at the clock

and being like,
"Damn, how'd it get to be 11:42?"

And if you wouldn't mind
skipping forward a bit

to after the CERT team
had entered the building,

why didn't you surrender
with the first round of inmates?

Why didn't I surrender?

That is an excellent question.

If you remember,
I was entrusted with the care of

a mentally not-right-in-the-head inmate,
Suzanne Warren,

and I was concerned

that she would react crazy
to the Stormtroopers with g*ns,

so I decided to go chill
in a back closet till things calmed down.

When did you go to the pool?

Uh, no. I wasn't in the pool.

I was in the back closet with Suzanne
till the Stormtroopers found us.

Why are you lying?

Why don't we avoid the hostile tactics?

Ms. Hayes has been forthright
with her answers.

You'll tell him, or should I?

I was in the back closet with Suzanne
until the Stormtroopers found us.

We both know that doesn't make any sense.

Your fingerprints were found in the pool

and on a g*n registered to CO Piscatella,
used to sh**t him in his face.

I need time alone with my client.

Unless you want to tell me the truth,
you're looking at a m*rder charge,

which carries a life sentence.

A moment, please?

Okay, something I forgot
to mention earlier,

this only works if you are honest with me.

Is there something you want to tell me?

What else?

That bathing suit.

What will you do with a bathing suit?
Tie it around your ankle?

Bitch, I'mma wear that sh*t.

I'm not about to be in Michigan all summer
with no pool wear.

You understand why you're going?
To have a baby?

I understand
you hating on my active lifestyle.

This is the last time I'll say this,

but you're making it harder on yourself
by not givin' up baby daddy.

I heard a sermon this morning, Joy.

Are you scared of him?

You don't get it.

I like him.

More than anyone
I've ever liked in my life.

And if I tell Mom and Dad who he is,

they're gonna want to drag him in
and talk to his parents.

It'll ruin everything.

Don't you think they should talk to him
since you're having his baby?

That ain't got nothing to do with this.

What?

Joy, excuse us.
I'd like to speak with Cynthia.

You have to know,
dishonesty eats away at you.

- You think lying will solve...
- I'm not lying.

Don't interrupt me while I'm talking.
I taught you better than that.

When you lie,
you're putting a Band-Aid on a leaky pipe.

At first, it can seem
like the problem is fixed.

But then, drip, drip. Drip, drip.
Drip, drip, drip, and pop!

It comes flooding out
in a torrent of destruction.

I'm not lying.

Yes, you are.
Because you are not telling the truth.

I'm not telling you something
you don't need to know.

Don't sit in my house, that I pay for,
and tell me what I need to know.

Who is the baby's father?
Tell me who he is!

Who is he? Tell me!

Lucas, please.

You let her get away with too much.

This is the chapel?

If I made these,
they would be more symmetrical.

Can we have some privacy?

I feel a touch crowded...

Women in Administrative Segregation

are not to be left alone
under any circumstances.

The Lord will not be the only one
hearing your prayers.

Get it?

Oh, yeah. That was a good one.

I thought the virgin thing
was bullshit, too.

Are we meant to believe
Mary and Joseph spent...

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Let me do it.

You sure?

Yeah.

I'm surprised you didn't ask how I got it.

Lean forward a little.

Would you believe I got it
by backing into the sharp edge of a bunk?

I didn't.

It was a mouthy girl from C block.

I don't really blame her.
I blame this place.

You lock a dog in a cage all day,

then you let it out and it bites you,
do you blame the dog?

Outside, I was a mother and a homemaker.

You have any kids?

No.

That's good.

It's harder when you do.

How do you survive?

My first week in here...

I caught a shiv between my fourth
and fifth ribs on my left side.

I'm still not really sure what for.

But now, I fight back.

It costs me, but I do it.

I'm gonna die in this place.

Either you lie down, it kills you quick
because you're weak,

or stand up and defend yourself
and it kills you the other way.

With time. And more time.

My ten-year sentence
would've been up four years ago.

Now I'm lucky if I get out before I'm 50.

You asked me before,
what I see when I look at you?

I see the person I used to be.

- I'll grab the bags.
- No, no.

I'll get the bags. You book the rooms.

You are really intense.

- You doing the NoFap challenge?
- Maybe.

- What is that?
- You stop jerking it,

so you get incentive
to get the real thing.

I did it last fall.

Worst four days of my life.

- I'll book the room.
- Rooms, dude. Two separate rooms.

We can't face the demons of our experience
in separate rooms. One room.

Plus, it's economical.

More scratch for Hersheypark.
We should sneak in our sodas.

I got a way.

Hey, look what I got you.
I got you Slim JJims,

and I got you your Zotz.

It's like a real road trip.

I don't care about this!
It doesn't make everything hunky-monkey.

Figure out how to ditch that big assh*le,
like, really, like, now!

Tonight. I'll wait till he falls asleep,
then I'll write a note

and we can leave
without him calling the cops.

I got to figure out how to write it
so he doesn't think I'll k*ll myself.

I'll get it right.
I'm sorry but I'm gonna...

I need that bag under your...

- Yeah. I'm sorry.
- Okay. Yep, here you go.

Take my pillow. I'll be in the trunk.

Eating this crap, pissing in a cup.
It's no worries.

I've been having these negative thoughts

swirling around in my mind.
It's not pretty.

- Just be cool.
- You know what?

I don't normally say this to a man,
but you're scared.

- I am not.
- Yes, you are. Okay.

There's Temple Run in there.
I'll see you tonight.

Hey, what's up?

That dickhead won't let me
put down a debit card.

You got credit?

No hablo inglés.

- What is she saying?
- Nothing.

Is she thinking about
what she's done?

Think about what you've done.

Sorry. What... I don't...

Ruiz is the leader of the riot.

Gracias.

- It's two against one for Ruiz.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hello!

Hello, madame.

Our meal tonight will be
shakshuka with sautéed kale,

courtesy of Blue Apron.

You'll find it's only partially completed,
because I have no idea what I'm doing.

Joe.

- What?
- You're actually cooking?

I already ate.

But I invited you to dinner.

Yeah, I thought dinner
was code for f*cking.

No.

Aw... Don't be sad.

I bet I can still find your d*ck
under that blue apron.

And trust me, you want to f*ck
before shakshuka, not after.

Harder! Pull harder!

- You like that, huh?
- Yeah.

Tell me I have a dinosaur cock.

- Okay, that's weird.
- Then say something evil, you evil bitch.

I didn't eat your stupid kale.
How does that make you feel?

That was inconsiderate.
You can do better than that.

- Yeah? I'm the f*cking interim warden.
- Come on.

I took your job!

Wait, what's happening?

What do you mean?

Did you have to stop f*cking me
to ask that question? Come on.

What?

They're letting you run Max again?

- You stole from them!
- They don't know that.

If you're getting angry,
put that anger to work.

I think you've f*cked me enough.

Come on! Half of the facility
you were in charge of rioted.

You thought they would throw you a parade?

They couldn't let you keep running Max
after Camp was a shitshow.

This is the best-case scenario.

You're still getting a check
while dodging the PR nightmare.

Take the cash and be happy.

I can't believe they gave it to you.

What can I tell you?
They needed someone who knew the place.

It's all about optics.

Speaking of, I miss the 'stache.

Ooh! Jump! Yes.

Come on, come on.

Bam, do it.

Yes, yes, yes.

Did it f*cking die?

f*cking kidding me?

Oh, my God. I was just about to b*at it!

f*ck!

I can't take this anymore.

Oh, my God.

Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one,
twenty-two, twenty-three.

- Man, I am sh*t tired.
- Twenty-four, twenty-five.

- We should call it soon.
- Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight,

twenty-nine, thirty.

Hey, don't mind me. Just trying
to get back to my m*llitary weight.

A few sets of those, rest for an hour,
Roman chairs, rest for an hour,

a few sets of push-ups, rest for an hour.

And when were you thinking you'd sleep?

I haven't been sleeping
very much lately since...

Well, you know.

We've been sitting in the car all day.
Sitting is the new cancer.

- Did something happen to cancer?
- Cancer's over.

If you need to fap to get some shut-eye,
the bathroom's open.

You expecting anybody?

No.

Probably something wrong with your card.

I was tired of hiding in the car.

Cindy,

go ahead and tell Special Agent Bellamy
exactly what you told me.

So, it's like this.

I actually was in the pool
before I went to the closet with Suzanne.

And?

And yeah, I touched the g*n,
but only once.

I pulled it away 'cause it was aimed
at Piscatella's head.

Then I put it down,
and me and Suzanne left.

Let me get this straight,
you pointed it at Piscatella's head.

No, I had it for, like, two seconds,
and I put it down.

After pointing it at his head.

I ain't point no g*n at nobody's head!

Stop putting words in her mouth.

She said she had it pointed at his head.

- I said I took it from T and put it down.
- Would that be Tasha Jefferson?

Did you see her point the g*n
at Piscatella's head?

I didn't say that.

Ms. Hayes,
it doesn't make a lick of difference to me

if you spend the rest of your life
in prison.

But I imagine it matters a lot to you, so,

you should have a refresher
on how this works.

We only grant immunity
for testimony we can use.

If you saw Jefferson point the g*n
at Piscatella, I can use that.

Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you.

Your fingerprints
are on the m*rder w*apon.

Cindy! Cindy, come here!

Cindy!

Cindy, I'm not calling you again, girl.

Cindy!

Three sets of prints were on that g*n?

Hayes, Jefferson and Frieda Berlin.

- How are you on the riot charges?
- Definitely Ruiz.

Testimony from guards
saying she was a leader,

and two inmates corroborated.

Mendoza's a bit of a tougher case.

She said things
that seemed like stretching,

but Jack Pearson from MCC
corroborated her.

So we ignore the bad facts.
She could be a useful witness.

Come on, Michelson!

Indian?

It's like you're a sociopath.
You have no regard for human life.

Right. You're banned from eating in here.

What? It's aloo gobi!

At least close your mouth!

What about this one?

Um, we don't have
much guard testimony against her.

She gave a solid statement
against Ruiz. She'd be a witness.

Wait, hold on.

The US Attorney's gonna love this.

Not tender-headed, are you?

No. This is actually really nice.

Michaela, my oldest, made a fuss
every time I tried to braid hers.

Such thick hair.

Hey!

What'd I tell you, Hoefler?
Hands off, or you're going to SHU.

You know what she did, right?

She k*lled her kids.

Three of 'em.

Your hairdresser here
is a sicko f*ckin' baby k*ller.

Oh, don't mind him.

He's all bark.

At Hersheypark, I'm not always gonna be
the single rider. You got that?

We rotate!

Yeah, hello. Jack?

This is Joe Caputo.

I want my job back.

Diaz, you're headed to gen pop.

Mendoza.

You, too. Let's go.

What about me?

What about me?

I'm supposed to be going, too, no?

What about me?

You took a plea, too?

No, I just made a statement.

You took a plea?

- For what?
- m*rder.

Diaz.

Oh, look. D for Diaz.

They named a cell block for me.

Come on.

C Block.

C for cheerful.

Positive thinker. That's good.

Hey, T.

What was you trying to tell me
the other morning?

Can't even remember.

I'm just glad to know you're okay.