07x07 - Me as Well

[bunniefuu]

The Vietnam w*r was mostly subsidized
by pesticide manufacturers.

Agent Orange, look it up.

Don't need to. I know you're right.

That's why they call the bug spray "Raid,"
after the Son Tay Raid.

This is so nice!

You know what's great
about being gettin' out of Psych,

besides, you know, gettin' out of Psych?

Is actually having a roommate
that you can, like, really talk to.

My last roommate...

she could barely put two words together,
and when she did,

they were either
"dragon bastard" and "fight fire."

"Dragon bastard, fight fire."

She had some weird movie
goin' on in her head.

I need your help here.

Absolutely. Whatever you need.

I need you to go swipe a tablespoon.

Not a teaspoon, a full-sized tablespoon.
A metal one.

A metal one? That might take a while.

However long it takes.
We're playin' the long game.

Okay.

f*ckin' nutbirds everywhere you look.

Funny you should phrase it that way,

because today I'm working
with a flock of actual birds.

Chickens for the new farm therapy program
that Warden Ward has instituted.

f*ckin' Ward.
Talk about an inmate runnin' the asylum.

Makin' us call these criminals
Ms. So-and-So?

Like they're friends of my parents
and not some dirty felons.

Yeah, and what if they don't
gender identify as a Ms., right?

That's some insensitivity right there.

Who gives a f*ck, okay?
Don't even start with that bullshit.

You're not what you feel like.
You got a vag or you got a d*ck.

I could feel like I'm a Chinese,
don't mean I am one.

-You feel Chinese?
-You see that interview she did? Hmm?

Ward got a cool two mil for closing Psych.

Instead of spreadin' it around
on the people who are actually down here,

in this sh*t with these wackos,

she's givin' the money to f*ckin'
chicken farmers. I identify as pissed off.

Actually, there's a lot of research

that shows the benefits of working
with animals for the neurodiverse.

You wanna request a book?

I actually would like your help
to distribute a self-published work.

Nonfiction, it's a new genre for me,

but I think this is compelling,
nonetheless.

If you're lookin' to enter
the underground market,

most folks want p*rn stuff,
or one of them Bosch books.

Yo, if you wanted to write
some Harry Bosch fanfic,

you'd have a bestseller right there.
You can call it "Hairy Bush."

I'm not looking to appeal to the masses.

I need this to get into the hands
of Tasha Jefferson.

No one else.

Why do you look so down?

You should feel good.
Think about all those words you wrote.

Was it too many words?
I mean, I know I can be long-winded,

and I know that writing
is really rewriting, as Stephen King says.

Maybe I should I get it back,
do another pass before Taystee reads it.

Or maybe I should add some sex stuff
to keep it interesting.

Maybe you just should let go and move on.

I knew this cook once, Shandy.

He was always overthinkin' everything,
worryin'.

In the end, that's what k*lled him.

-Did his brain short circuit?
-No, his meth lab blew up.

But the point is, you need to have
somethin' else that occupies your time.

You know what? You wanna come
to GED class with me?

Mr. Fantauzzo makes it super fun.

Unfortunately, I have already graduated
from high school.

Oh. Well, then do that chicken class that
Alvarez wanted everyone to sign up for.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There is a chicken class? What...

Are they going to teach
to the chickens about chickens,

or teach us how to be chickens?
Why am I even asking? I am so in!

Cluck yeah, you are.

See what I did there?

Can't all be winners.

No, no, don't. She's almost there.

m*therf*cker.

One sec. One sec. One sec.

Pipes, can you come out? We need to talk.

Hey. Hi.

Can you guys hang on a second?
I was just about to hop in the shower.

You already came once. Don't be greedy.

Your new, um, habits
have become kind of disruptive.

The resonant frequencies of your vibrator

are distorting the audio
on the baby monitor.

I'm so sorry.
I was just following Alex's suggestion,

and then, I guess it was working too well.

I thought Alex said
you should f*ck other people.

Her point was that I need to release
the pressure that's building up,

so that I don't act out in some other way
and screw up my probation.

This way, I don't involve other people.

Man cannot live on masturbation alone.

And woman's stitches
don't always heal right away, okay?

Was it working for you?

For about 30 seconds afterwards,
I'd feel at peace.

That adds up.

-Compulsively masturbating...
-Come on, now.

-...it speaks to something deeper.
-Oh, God.

You're not solving the problem.
You're just masking it.

When was the last time you had real,
physical intimacy with another person?

It's been a while,
but I don't wanna date anybody else.

No one's talking about dating.

This is strictly
a one-night stand situation.

- Right.
- I know.

The next time you go
to one of your NA meetings,

just go next door and drop in
on a Sex Addicts meeting.

Meet some freaky deakies.

I don't want a freaky deaky.

At least, I don't think so. I don't know.

I'm worried if I hook up
with anybody else,

I'll spend the entire time
comparing them to Alex.

Okay, then, go the opposite.

Hit up one of those douchey gyms
in the Financial District.

Back in the day
when I wanted some strange,

I would grab a Wall Street dude
coming out of spin class.

I knew exactly what his body looked like,
I knew what his sweat smelled like,

and I knew for sure
there would be no emotional attachment.

I could simply hate-f*ck
his capitalist brains right out his prick.

Before Lehman Brothers went down,
Neri went down on Lehman Brothers.

No. You have not earned back
your fridge-lidges.

Room temperature only for you.

Un-f*cking-believable!

It's up to 123 likes,

27 hearts and 18 sobbing faces!

f*cking Luschek.

What about f*cking Luschek?

Keeps commenting on the post

where she basically calls me
Harvey Weinstein.

She accused you
of sexual harassment, not sodomy.

And she didn't even say it was you.

Then why did O'Neill reach out to me?
And Kirkpatrick?

And you know what really chaps my ass?

She doesn't have her facts straight.

She says the warden fired her.
I wasn't even the warden then.

Maybe you should message her
with that clarification.

I know you're being sarcastic,

...but I was thinking that maybe
I should reach out to her.

-No!
-I just wanna clear the air.

This is basically one big misunderstanding
that has now turned into slander.

She says I was obsessed with her.
I was not obsessed with her.

Well, you are now.
Joe, you gotta let this go.

Luschek just commented "believe women."

An-- And he did the fist emoji,
but he changed the skin color to white,

instead of keeping it Simpsons yellow.

Who does that?

That's some
white supremacist sh*t right there.

Maybe I am not the best person
to be advising you on this,

considering you blackmailed me
into giving you a blowjob.

That was consensual blackmail.

And now, we are living
in non-wedded bliss.

Joe, the best thing you can do

as a straight white man
is shut the f*ck up.

But that's crazy.

I get it, men have been abusive assholes
throughout time,

but I am not one of those guys.

I'm just trying to get the facts straight.

The only thing more annoying
than you being a nice guy

is your need for everyone
to think that you're a nice guy.

It's not gonna happen,
but this will blow over,

'cause the world doesn't really care
about anyone,

and it really doesn't care about women.

So, sit tight and let it pass.

-Hurts when I sit too long.
-Then stand and let it pass.

f*cking Luschek.

Do it, ping-pong.

We need to talk.

In private.

Yo.

Leave me be.

The guards did a sweep last night
and they cleared out our safe spot.

What did they get?

Your phone and seven marijuana hand rolls.

Thank goodness we're waiting
on a delivery,

but we need to find a safer spot
for when it comes in.

We can call it "safe spot B."

Yo, this is not good.
I have mad sh*t in that phone.

Deals, amounts, f*cking names.

-Didn't you put any of it in code?
-I was busy.

I don't even know why
I try to set up security protocols

if you're not going to implement them.

It's gonna be fine.
I'll just talk to Hopper.

Hopper?

Hopper has not been to work
for two days now.

What?

Hopper's helping Mom deal with court sh*t.

What the f*ck, yo?

Is she still trying to sue that nail place
for that foot fungus she got?

No, she lost her sh*t on some dude's car,
thinking it was my boyfriend's.

I mean, lost her sh*t.

So, now Hopper's skipping work
to f*ckin' clean up her mess?

And now Angel broke up with me,
and I miss him so bad.

He's my life, Daya.

What am I gonna do? f*cking Aleida.

The f*ck.

Kitchen volunteers reporting for duty.

That's great. We need all the help.
Thank you.

There's a problem.

Diablo?

No, I still can't find him
in the system.

It's about that free lawyer group
I hooked you up with,

the Freedom for Immigrants guy.

Yeah, he's coming next week.

I'm sorry, baby. No.

These ICE pendejos
are-- are not letting them come no more.

Those micro-dicked pieces of sh*t.

Yeah, ICE is saying that the organization

is inciting riotous behavior
among the detainees.

That's a damn lie.

Liars!

They're banning them
because they can.

Listen, I made some calls
and I put you on some wait lists,

but it's gonna be a couple of months
before a free lawyer could see you.

There is no way
I can delay my hearing that long.

The only reason
I got back here

was because I copied
what the Salvadoran said to the judge.

Maybe you can ask her
to help you,

and maybe you could call her by
her real name instead of "la salvadoreña."

She's too busy
looking down her nose at me.

She's not gonna
reach out her hand.

Let me see this lady.

There she is.

That's her spot.
Always sitting by herself, of course.

Look at that ICE m*therf*cker,

struttin' around like king rooster
on sh*t mountain.

Deporting the best and the most beautiful.

He don't even know
how to put his sunglasses on right.

Go to bed with illegals,
you wake up with fleas.

I mean, she could be a t*rror1st.

They use lady su1c1de bombers
all the time.

They hide the expl*sives
under their burqas. It's diabolical.

I don't feel safe with her in the kitchen,
quite frankly.

Don't you think?

Yes. Yes, of course.

I don't understand why we let
all these Muslims into our country

when we know all they wanna do
is destroy our way of life.

I don't know if this was
a real American television show

or a fever dream I had as a child.

I'm basically a walking Wikipedia
of useless pop culture information,

so I'm happy to fact-check.

Was there a show
with a male modeling agency

that secretly solved crimes?

Holy sh*t. You're talkin' about Cover Up.
I can't believe you saw that.

I'm telling you, my uncle had
the biggest satellite dish for miles.

I watched everything,
whether I could understand it or not.

I liked having the TV on
while I did my homework.

All this nonsense chattering
made me feel less alone.

Well, if you like nonsense chattering,
I am definitely your girl.

I knew there was a reason
why I liked you so much.

Ah, crazy story about Cover Up.

You know the main dude
who played the international male model

who was actually a secret CIA operative?

Well, he accidentally k*lled himself
on set with a prop g*n.

-Someone put in real b*ll*ts?
-No, no, no, no, it was blank.

But he held it up to his head,
messing around, pulled the trigger.

And that close, a blank can k*ll you.

I'm relieved to know it was a real show
and not a strange dream I had.

And I'm relieved that I didn't have to
hear you tell me about a dream you had.

You don't like to hear about dreams?

I have a strict policy.

I don't wanna hear
about anybody else's dream

unless I'm in it and we're f*cking.

In the dream, I mean.

A giant was, uh, chasing me.

Okay, final question in this round
of Biology Feud.

Currently, Team Photosynthesis
is in the lead with 62 peanut M&M's

to Team Krebs Cycle's 58. Very close race.

Remember, this one is for the full-sized
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

for every person on the team.

Does that mean each person gets two?
'Cause they come two to a pack.

No. Every person gets one cup.

- What? I was just asking.
- Be classy, dude.

Okay.
"What are the three states of matter?"

- Buzz.
- Buzz.

Very close, but it's Ms. Cabrera
by a parsec.

Um...

Solid, liquid and...

ice.

That is incorrect.
Ms. Doggett for the steal.

Solid, liquid, gas.

That's correct! Ding, ding, ding!

Team Photosynthesis,
converting that carbon into a win.

One last thing, everyone. Please review
your social studies worksheets.

This Friday, we're gonna do
our very first practice test.

I know. I know.

But the GED board won't let me administer
the test like a game of Jeopardy!,

so we're gonna stick
with the practice tests for now.

Hey.

I was wonderin', uh...

I thought there was only one test
at the end of this whole class.

Sure, the big one, at the end.

But to prepare for it,
we need to take a lot of little ones.

Okay, well, can I just take the class
and no tests?

Then how would you get your GED?

Well, I'm gonna be here a few more years.

So I was thinkin'
that I could just take the class

a couple of more times, no tests,
just learn,

and then I'll be really prepared,
and I'll take my GED thing then.

Ms. Doggett, all of the exams,
including the final GED exam,

are required to stay in the class.

If you wanna keep coming,
you do have to take them.

Oh. Okay.

It doesn't affect your grade.
It's just a practice test.

See you Friday?

Daddy!

Jesus. You damn near k*lled me there.

You just damn near
scared the living craps out of me.

It's been a while.
I thought you was in North Carolina.

Yeah, I was, and then it was Texas.
Now, I'm here.

Thought I'd enter the bass fishing tourney
over the weekend,

over at Weebreck Lake.

Figured you might wanna join me.

Why, 'cause you asked Trey and he said no?

No, I figured
I'd ask my first choice first.

Oh, Donny said no.

Listen, Tiff, you don't wanna go,
you don't have to.

But you used to love fishing with me.

Yeah, when I was, like, eight, maybe.

Then you freakin' hocked the boat,

and you left town and you went off
with that Trina lady.

And the Lord punished me for that,
believe you me.

Come on, what do you say? You in?

Me and you split that $400 prize?

I haven't been fishing
in, like, a million years.

Well, I ain't askin' on account
of your expertise, Tiff.

You've always been my lucky charm.

Okay.

Sure, I'm in.

All right! Got us a plan.

Unless I die of thirst before then.

Well, you look good, Dad.

I mean, sh*t, last time I saw you,
you was real messed up.

Yeah. I'm clean now.

Six months. Just beer and pot.

What about you?

I dabble.

Well, to fishin' ass and kickin' bass,
or, you know, vice versa.

- Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Sam.

Hey. Good to see you.

-Thanks for makin' time for me.
-Always, brother, always.

Hey, Corinna,
I'm gonna take my break now, okay?

Hey, I'm gonna make a smoothie.
You want one?

Oh, no, I'm okay.

Oh, come on. I'm makin' it for myself.
It's no bother.

All right. Sure.

Great. This is my special recipe,
off the menu.

So, what's goin' on?

Your energy is kind of unbalanced.

Yeah.

Um...

-We can talk about it when you're done.
-No, it's cool.

I can hear everything perfectly.
What's up?

-I'm sure you saw the thing on Facebook.
-What's that?

Facebook. The thing Susan Fischer
wrote about me?

Who what, now?

Susan Fischer, the guard from camp.

Oh, yeah. The little cutie.
She reached out to you over Facebook?

She Me Too'd me.

-It looks good.
-Yeah, it's pretty good.

$8.32. I gotta charge you.
They keep track.

Oh... oh.

Hey, thanks. I'll meet you over there.

Take a look at this.

Oh.

That's rough.

Oh, man. That's really rough.

So, what do I do?

I-- I mean,
I had a little bit of a crush on her,

but I was never inappropriate.
I-- I never made a pass.

Now, she's written this thing that...

It's all part of the whole movement,

which I, of course, absolutely support,
the movement.

Absolutely. Me, too. I mean, me, as well.
You know, I support the movement.

Fig says I should ignore it.

You know, when I interviewed for this job,

they wanted to talk to me
about my strengths,

but I wanted to talk about
my weaknesses as well.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I mean, I was a great counselor,

but I lacked
in certain interpersonal skills.

So, I was working on that, so I figured,
well, I'll let them know about that.

Well, it worked. You got the job.

Yeah, I got the job,
but it's more than that.

I got out ahead of it.

Which is why, when team member Rebecca
complained about feeling unsafe,

I got a second chance.

Now, they don't put us
on the same schedules,

and I know there's no more
shoulder squeezes.

You gotta get out ahead of it.

-You really think so?
-Apologize to Susan.

Explain your side of it,
but most important, listen to her side.

- Hey, Sam.
- Yeah?

Gonna need you
to wrap up that break, buddy.

You got it, C-Dawg.

These women, they just wanna be heard.

-Sam?
-Yeah. Coming.

-Okay, I gotta go.
-Sam, thank you. Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yo, Madam Secretary.
You workin' in the warden's office today?

Yeah, later.

All right. I figured out
something you could get for me,

and once you get it, I could get for you
that thing that you want.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

My phone got nabbed
in the sweep last night

and I need to get it back
before they figure out it's mine.

And my dickhead stepfucker
isn't showing up to work to help me out.

Look, I don't know where they keep
stuff they seize,

but I know it's not in her office.

It's not. There's a contraband room.

Hopper told me sh*t's kept there
a couple of days

until they turn it over to the cops.

Warden's got one of the keys.
All I'm asking you to do is get that key.

And do you know where she keeps it?

Bitch, am I supposed to do
everything for you?

You're her assistant. Assist sh*t out.

Do you want the dr*gs or not?

sh*t. I lined it up wrong. Hang on.

It's okay.

God damn it.

You doin' all right?

I told Piper she could see other people,
and now it's all I can think about.

-Are you regretting that?
-Not exactly.

I know it's the right decision
while I'm in here, but I just...

I can't stop picturing it.
I mean, is she...

kissing someone else right now?

Is she f*cking someone right now?

Maybe you could try
to reframe it for yourself.

Instead of getting upset
by thinking about it,

you could let yourself be turned on by it.

I appreciate your helpful interest,
but we don't need to talk about this.

-No, it's okay. I don't mind.
-No, no, I'm good.

I'll see you later.

-Somebody's thirsty.
-What? Me? No, why?

This is a total body hydrator.

Aloe, coconut water, cukes.

I like your Lulus. Are those vintage,
or is boot-cut coming back?

Um, vintage.

-Eighteen dollars.
-Seriously?

It's cold pressed.

Oh, no. I forgot my credit card.

Oh, that's cool.
What's your membership number?

Um... Uh, you know,
I'm gonna stick with water.

I know you. You went to Brown, right?

Smith.

Brown was too loosey-goosey
with that whole "no grades" thing.

I get it.

You're a goody two-shoes, right?
Like to follow the rules.

Depends whose rules.

Let me guess, lawyer?

I work in accounting.

-Nice. What firm?
-Mmm.

You don't really care
where I work, do you?

Because I know
I don't give a f*ck what you do.

You feel so good.

-You, too.
-Yeah? Like it when I f*ck you like this?

Ac-- Actually, you know,
maybe we should try--

- On top.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Oh.

Oh, God.

You really like that? You like it?
You like riding my--

- Maybe if you don't talk.
- Okay.

At all.

-What's wrong?
-Sorry. I gotta pee.

What?

-You wanna do it on my face?
-No, thank you.

Kidding. You know that, right?

You're hilarious.

Are you using my toothbrush?

Uh, the file cabinet's locked.

Oh. Um... Okay, just a second.

I know Linda's probably seen
that interview by now,

but she hasn't called to yell at me.

And now, Hopper is late.

I know they're meeting.

That's how it's done.

They set up the person who's gonna
take over before they fire you.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
Linda's out on vacation until Monday,

and Hopper is out sick with strep throat.

What the hell, Taystee?

Okay, that's it.

We are going to meet some chickens.

Uh, but I got a bunch of work to do.

No, as my assistant,
you need to come out there with me.

But why?

Because chickens, Taystee. Come on.

Morning.

Mr. Alvarez.

Hello?

Uh, why don't you fill me in
on what you got goin' on here so far?

The warming lights are new.
Good price, right?

Yeah, it's, uh...

Taystee?

Did you sign up for this program, too?

You know, it is not us
that are teaching the chickens,

but the chickens might be teaching us.

No, Suzanne, I'm not signing up.

Well, did you get to read my book?

Come on. What'd you think?

An-- And be brutally honest,
but lead with the positive,

because I might shut down
and not be able to process the criticism.

-Yeah, I read it.
-Okay, good.

Keep in mind, this was my first foray
into the nonfiction world, so...

I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. Okay, but did you read the part
about me and Cindy hiding,

and how we saw the men drag in
Piscadoodoo's body?

Or where you just skimming?

No, I read it. I read every detail of it,
and I wish I hadn't.

But I-- I wanted you to know
what really happened.

Why? Did you think it was
gonna make me feel better

to know that it was all a setup?
Because it didn't.

-No, but I was thinking--
-No, you wasn't thinking!

That's the problem. You wasn't thinkin'.

And if I was thinkin',
I would've known that I never...

I never had a chance.

Can I go back to the office now? Please?

Sure, go ahead.

-You workin' on your case, too?
-I was trying to.

I had a lawyer all lined up
and f*ckin' ICE won't let him in.

Now, I can't get a free one for months.

-You paying for your lawyer?
-I'm my lawyer.

-You're a lawyer?
-No.

But you know stuff, right?

Like how you got an extension
to find effective counsel?

The only effective counsel
I can afford is me.

So, if you don't mind,
I'm trying to be effective here.

-You understand all this law stuff?
-Please let me concentrate.

If you two can't behave
like civilized adults,

you'll lose these privileges.

These computers aren't privileges.

They meet the bare minimum
of our legal rights.

This is my center. These are my rules.

So, why don't you get your ass
off of my chair,

go lay down in my bunk,
and shut the f*ck up

so I don't have to hear
your sh*t in my ears.

I am a human being.
I am trying to use the law library.

Library's closed for repairs.

Dad... Oh, sh*t. I think I got something.

-I do! I do!
-f*ck yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about.

-My good luck charm.
-Yeah.

-All right.
-sh*t.

Another pissant little big mouth bitch.

It feels like
that's all you're catchin' today, Tiff.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Yeah, sorrys and wishes
don't catch fishes.

Now, take a look at that map

and find out where we should be goin'
instead of this dumbass spot you picked.

It's in English, isn't it?

Yeah.

Hey! Check out this beauty!
Little Gene here caught this one!

It's nine pounds if it's an ounce!

Well, then it's almost big enough
to fit up your huge assh*le!

Nice one, Dad.

God damn it, I told you
to pick a prime, deep spot!

Now them cocksuckers got one up on me.
g*dd*mn, you're dumb.

-We still got time.
-You're done fishing.

No. Dad.

You just sit there,
try not to screw sh*t up for me anymore.

Okay.

Gloria said we don't need as much.
A lot of people are skipping lunch.

Ah, so, Red's shitty cooking
finally sparked a hunger strike.

No, it's the pork. Muslims can't eat it.

They'll eat the dinners, which is beef,
that the Hindus can't eat.

If Red is such a poor cook,
why does she run the kitchen?

Uh, she isn't always like this.
SHU f*cked her up a little bit.

She's coming back, though.

But, hey, never say anything bad
about her cooking to her face, okay?

I would hate to see you deported
in a body bag.

What's a body bag?

Uh...

You know, it's like a bag
that you put a dead body in.

It's kind of self-explanatory
if not particularly poetic.

If there are any other American idioms
I can explain to you,

my mouth is at your service.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?
If I'm moving too fast.

I'm just trying to navigate
our cultural differences here, okay?

You're in the driver's seat.

You wanna just kiss, we could just kiss.

No. That's not all I want.

Mmm.

It's lovely, but, uh, quid pro quo.

Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait.
That's very nice, but I'm a giver.

Okay.

You know what they say,
two tops don't make a right.

Okay.

Okay, okay. Uh...

Okay, I'm gonna pass out, so...

Okay, you have to stop. I'm gonna die.

You are not going to die.

You trust me?

Oh, uh, you have to wait
for the orange light to come on.

It's not done brewing yet.
That's gonna take for-f*ckin'-ever

'cause there's, like,
100 cups of water in there.

But at least once it's done brewing,
it's gonna taste like sh*t.

I was in prison for 18 months,

so I could drink a cup of mud

and it would taste better
than what they called coffee.

I, uh... I did 90 days in county.
Third DUI is no joke.

Federal Max.

Turns out drug smuggling
is no joke, either.

Hmm. Damn. Look at you.

Look at me.

Meeting time.

You know, the nice thing
about doing the setup

is that I don't have to stick around
after to do cleanup.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. After this, I'm totally free.

Me, too.

Maybe we should do something about that.

-Maybe if you did it more like--
-Like that?

Sorry, no. Not like that.

It's just... it's been a while
since I've been with someone.

It's cool.
Sex in sobriety is f*cking weird.

-Close your eyes.
-Okay.

Sorry. I can't do this. I can't.

It's not you.

You're, um... You're great.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, uh, I get it.

First time I f*cked sober, um...

it messed me up so bad, I smoked cr*ck.

But I didn't pick up a drink.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

Thank you for understanding.

One day at a time.

I need to talk.

-You came through for your girl?
-You got what I need?

I got it, but I'm not giving it up
until I know that's the right key.

Of course it's the right key.

And I'm not gonna give it to you
until you give me the dr*gs.

Think about it, Taystee.
If I give you the dr*gs now,

what am I supposed to do
if I find out you ripped me off,

or even made an honest mistake
and messed up?

Either way, I got nothin'.

I can't get a refund,
'cause you're already dead.

So, you've got what you want,

and I'm stuck here with a key
that don't work?

I'm just being logical here.

Hey, D, you better give me what I need.

-Mr. Caputo.
-Please, Joe.

Mr. Caputo, what are you doing here?

-You know, I don't care.
-Wait!

Please, give me a minute.
I'm here to apologize.

Okay?

I am sorry if I ever did anything
to make you feel unsafe,

or uncomfortable, or objectified.

It's not if you did that.
You did do that, all of that.

Right.

If that's how you feel,
then I am really sorry.

Stop saying "if." I'm telling you,
that's how you made me feel.

Okay.

I was a jerk. I was.

I had a little crush on you
and I sincerely thought you felt the same.

But I realize that I was still your boss,

and that made me inviting you
to see my band intimidating.

And for that, I am...
I'm really sorry.

You didn't just invite me
to see your band.

You changed my work schedule
so I had the night off.

Also, your band was called Side Titties.
How was that supposed to make me feel?

It's called Side Boob.

Not that that's much better,
but it was a different time--

I turned down your advances
and you fired me for it.

Oh, that had nothing to do with it.

-You-- You were a terrible CO.
-Really? Really?

Did you think that when,
under my own initiative,

I listened to recordings
of inmate phone calls?

And when I translated them from Spanish,
which no other CO could do?

If I was so terrible,

then why didn't you give me a warning
before you fired me out of nowhere?

Oh, my God. Seriously?

I mean, if you think you were a good CO,
you are delusional.

I only gave you so many chances
'cause I liked you. You--

You actually benefited
from my feelings for you.

You are disgusting.

You know what? I take back my apology.
There are real victims out there,

and for you to lump in your story
with theirs, that is disgusting.

It's bad for the whole movement,
which I support.

And also, I was not the warden then,
I was on...

Eww. Oh, my God!

I-- I tore a stitch. I... Oh.

Hey, you seen my sunglasses anywhere?

On the back of your head?
I meant, that's where they usually are.

I haven't seen them since lunch.

Well, I'll keep my eyes open, sir.
Maybe one of the inmates has 'em.

I mean, uh, deportees.

I mean, detainees. I'll go look.

Excuse me, señor?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry
for how loud me and my friend was before.

You're in America for now.
You can't act like that.

I know. I'm sorry.
We were just excited to see a computer.

Nobody in our village
had a computer before,

except the mayor,
'cause he was a very important man.

We were excited to use not just one,
but two.

Wow. I'm sorry.
Me and my people, we're loud.

I know it's exciting,
but you gotta keep it in check.

And thank you for making sure
everybody here behave quiet

and for everything in the center.

Yeah, well, I still want you
to have a little fun.

I actually put some of my music
on the computers, just to be nice.

I love music. I can't wait to hear that,

whenever you decide
we can use the computer again.

I was actually headed over there now
to plug them back in.

You should check out Jason Mraz.
But don't play it too loud.

Of course. Thank you.

-That's reserved.
-But I want to hear "The Remedy."

If they are going to
turn on the computer,

it should be used by someone
who actually knows how to use it, right?

Thank you.

How did you get him
to do that?

That's the one good thing
about having gone to prison.

That you learn to deal with a
rainbow of assholes and their power trips.

That assh*le likes to feel
like a real American hero.

So you make him
feel like one.

That assh*le wants to feel
like he is his mama's favorite boy.

So, you act like a proud mama
every time he does something nice for you.

So, when they treat us like animals,
we need to kiss their ass?

Karla, right?

I tried to stand up
to them once.

It made it worse.

All I got was beaten
and f*cked up even more.

If they treat you
like an animal...

then act like
you've been tamed.

Like a dog.

But dogs figured out
how to get humans

to feed them and pick up their sh*t.

Look, in the wild, I'm a f*cking wolf.
But in these cages...

I can't bite the hand
that feeds me.

Thank you for getting him
to plug in the computers.

Of course.

Hey, we're on the same team.

They are the enemy.

You can't just sit there and watch me.

It's called LexisNexis.

It's like Google, if all you're looking at
is old legal cases.

How did you learn all this sh*t?

After my husband d*ed,
I did office work for a law firm.

But then they got shut down
for scamming insurance companies.

sh*t.

Sounds like you dealt with a rainbow
of assholes, too.

What I'm doing
is looking up examples

of overturned deportation cases, okay?

I click here.

-Here?
-Uh-huh.

Well, I must say everyone did very well
on this practice exam.

Ms. Kerson. Ms. Munoz, very nice.

I'm gonna send this
to my grandma.

Yo, she's gonna sh*t herself.

Now, of course,
this is just the first one,

so it's only going to help you
if you review what you did wrong.

I want you to partner up outside of class.
Ms. Doggett.

And Ms. Cabrera.

Oh, hell yeah! 69!

Sixty-nine is barely a passing score,
Ms. Cabrera.

Yeah, but a 69 is hilarious.

Okay! Thank you all so much.
That's all for today.

Ms. Doggett, can I actually have you
stick around for a moment?

I, uh, wanted to talk to you
about your exam.

Why? I wasn't cheating. We were sharing.

Okay. Well, when you copied
Ms. Cabrera's answers,

you made some spelling errors.

Even the answers that she got right,
you got wrong

because you flipped around some letters.

Uh, look at this map. Where she wrote
"Kansas," you wrote "Sankas."

Or where she wrote "Texas,"
you wrote "taxes,"

which is a word, but is not the name
of a state in the South.

Whatever. I don't care, 'cause I quit.

I told you I didn't want
to take stupid tests

and now you're trying to tell me
I'm so stupid I can't even cheat right?

I don't need to put up with this sh*t.

Nope, nope. Uh, Ms. Doggett,
this is actually good news.

Can I ask you a question?
Do you avoid looking at maps?

No. I don't need 'em.
I know where I'm going.

Okay, but when you do look at maps,
do you feel really dizzy?

Yeah, kinda.

I think you have a learning disability.

I am not R-worded.

No, you're not, um,
but I think that you might be dyslexic.

I wanna get some diagnostic tests
to be sure,

but all signs point to yes,
which is great.

No. It's f*cking great, yeah.

It is. The diagnosis is great.

Because once we know what the problem is,
then we can help you.

You know who else was dyslexic?
Steve Jobs.

Whoopi Goldberg. Tom Cruise.
Emmy award-winning actor Henry Winkler.

- The Fonz got what I got?
- Yeah.

Lots of successful people do,
but you need tools to work with it.

So, I'm gonna talk to the warden
about getting you a tutor.

And I'll make sure that you get
extra time on the GED exam.

It's a common allowance that they'll make
for people with learning issues.

Okay.

I do like Whoopi Goldberg. She's funny.

Ghost was one of my favorite movies
for a minute.

-I'm a fan of Sister Act myself.
-Oh, yeah! Me, too.

I'll see you next time, Ms. Doggett.

Okay.

f*ck this. I ain't weighing this crap
to know we lost.

We could win the smallest fish contest.
The prize is 40 bucks.

Suck that. I don't need a prize
for being a f*cking try-hard loser.

Oh, if it ain't
Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass.

What the f*ck?

What kind of moron names their boat
"Ban Mass"?

What kinda anti-Catholic sh*t is that?

-It says "Bass Man."
-Don't even try, son.

You can't teach a man how to fish
or how to read, apparently.

Are you calling me stupid,
you anti-Catholic m*therf*cker?

Yeah, that's right. You walk fast
like the little b*tches you are!

You don't come to my town
and disrespect me like that,

you little pissant pieces of sh*t.

You got something to say, too, stupid?

Alex...

this isn't working.

The open thing.

I do-- I-- I do need
some kind of a release, and I tried,

but I don't think that this is the answer.

Please call me.

I need you.

And then, I might have, uh...

-grabbed my balls.
-Oh, Jesus, Joe.

-I tore a stitch!
-I told you not to go over there.

I-- I--
I figured I could make things better,

that I could convince her
to take it down off Facebook.

Oh, God. She named you.

Excuse me, if I found what looks like
a large slick of human blood,

I should report it to you first
before I clean it, yes?

Yes, absolutely report it first.
Don't touch a possible crime scene.

Yes, that is what I thought.
It's in the stairwell, over here.

It's a copious amount.
I think perhaps a head injury?

Whoa.

Yep, definitely smells
like blood.

Do you want me to clean it now?

No. Uh, no, you just go clean
some other things.

I'll-- I'll call this in.

Did you get your phone?

I did. I did.
Still got some charge on it, too.

Plus, got some razors and joints.
He fell for it, right?

Yes, Sherlock Holmes
has a blood trail to follow now.

Thank God these b*tches
got their monthlies synced up.

Easy for you to say
when you're not the blood gatherer.

Oh, man! There really
is a huge mess in here.

Just like we thought.

It's a good thing we're here
to clean it up.

-Very convincing.
-Get in there.

Red? Red, are you okay?

Forgive me.

Please.

It's okay.

-Hey.
-Do you want to explain this to me?

There's important information in here
about what happened to Piscatella.

And also some weird-ass drawings.

-Do-- Do you think this is true?
-Does it matter?

Hey!

Sit.

Of course it matters. What's your problem?

Taystee, there could be something in here
that overturns your entire case!

Wh-- Why are you dismissing it
like it's nothing?

'Cause it is nothing.

You think she made it up?

I think it don't matter either way.

If this is true,
you need to get this to your lawyer.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Yell at me! Be real with me!

-I feel like I'm talking to a ghost.
-I ain't got nothing to say.

Too busy feeling sorry for yourself
to do something about your situation?

Every f*cking day since I got this job,

before I got this job,
I've been fighting for you!

So, could you just please pretend to care?
For my sake?

Why should I do sh*t for your sake? Huh?

You got this fancy-ass job
and I gotta die in here.

I don't tell you how to live your life.

You just can't give up.
You cannot give up--

You don't get to tell me
how I feel or how I should feel!

You think the judge is gonna give a sh*t
about the truth now?

Because they damn sure didn't before!

You were there!

Fine. I don't know sh*t.

But you don't know sh*t, either.

Until you got this, you didn't even know
what happened that night.

You didn't know there were witnesses.

You can't just give up hope.

Because then...
then you're already dead, Taystee.

Please.

This is me.

I know you.

I can't hope.

I... I don't have
no more fight left in me.

I'm exhausted.

Exhausted. I can't.

Y-- You don't know what's gonna happen.

You gotta keep fighting,
so you can find out.

You gotta keep showing up.
You gotta keep trying.