02x07 - I Love Judging People

[bunniefuu]

But now, instead of
a janky-ass sticky magnet,

imagine that this is our spaceship.

Since when can the ship split in half?

Also, why does it split in half?
Is it ease of cleaning?

Making it in two parts meant
that I could classify Avenue

as two half-mile vessels.

Made me a substantial tax saving.

Jesus wept.

No, Jesus b*at the sh*t out of
the tax collectors. Look it up.

Or have Iris
look it up for you, I guess.

So, if the ship splits,
the m*ssile can only hit

- one half, is that right?
- (FINGERS SNAP)

No, no, no. No.
We're talking about genocide.

Again!

It's not genocide if half of us survive.

All right, semi-cide then.

The m*ssile is a real assh*le.

It will go for maximum devastation,

so probably the back half
where the engines are.

So, who decides who goes in which half?

(SCOFFS) No. It's not a dictator's job

to decide on a whim who lives or dies.

It absolutely is, isn't it?

♪ ("AVENUE " THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

MATT SPENCER: Okay, here's how
the algorithm works.

So, the AI algorithm delivers
a rank for each passenger

based on their perceived value
to the ship.

Knock, knock. Hello?
Why was I summoned here?

Yeah, and why wasn't I summoned?

- Okay, so take Frank, right?
- Hey. That's me.

The algorithm has tracked Frank

from the moment that
he stepped on the ship

and laughed at the very idea
of the complimentary slippers.

They're basically free shoes.

Okay, so Frank produces
two pounds of solid waste,

four pints of urine every day.

He laughs on average twice a week.

Ah, I laugh more than that.

You do a lot of nervous laughter.

(CHUCKLES) Exactly.

MATT: His testosterone levels are normal

for a woman in her seventies.

He has a percent near-fatal embolism.

He has hairless feet, can't taste
pears, etcetera, etcetera. Okay.

And Frank's overall ranking is .

Thank you, Frank. You can go now.

What was that about an embolism?

KAREN KELLY: Don't stress
about the embolism, Frank.

You'll give yourself an embolism.

Every single J on this ship
is embedded with a camera.

It tracks, through our actions
and demeanor,

our positive contributions to the ship.

It's my algorithm,
but I promise to keep it fair.

I love judging people.

So, we lure the lower-ranked
passengers to the back,

then we split the ship
in two and... mm, mm, mm.

RYAN CLARK: A passenger pogrom.

There's gotta be a better way
of doing it than this.

Look, we've always given
machines the tasks

that we can't handle, right?

Defuse bombs, reset bowling
pins, provide reliable orgasms.

This is another thing that we should put

in the hands of a machine
because ours are too shaky.

Okay.

To use what is rapidly becoming
our popular catchphrase,

f*ck it.

Let us temporarily suspend our humanity.

IRIS KIMURA: Great.

- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

RYAN: Passengers, today,
the ship's computer

will be ranking all of us.

And if you rank between one and ,

you will be rewarded
with a first-class cabin.

Everyone else will be well provided for,

so don't worry about that.

Keep on smiling
and you will win the day.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES) ♪

Well, at least half of you will.

(DEVICE PINGS)

Did my ranking just go up?

The algorithm rewards
cold-hearted decisions

- clinically made.
- So it's a psychopath?

Well, it has Judd in its coding.

Well, if the algorithm is in charge,

I won't need the head warmer.

So, my followers all rank low
because they follow me.

So let's see how that's going.
Oh. They've unfollowed me.

That was fast. You have to respect that.

- Fickle little b*tches. (LAUGHS)
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

How can my ranking be so low

when I am D printing an actual
human baby in my cooch?

We don't need a bigger suite, though.

Babies are famously small.

Not in your family. You had
a head like a refrigerator.

Honey, like I told you,
it was a bad angle.

- In every single photo.
- Well, my love for you

is even bigger
than your freakish skull, Doug.

- (BOTH GIGGLE)
- (DEVICE PINGS)

Wait. Were you saying that
'cause you meant it,

or were you trying to get a ping?

- Of course I meant it.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

MIA: Okay. That smile
is freaking me out,

but I'm just gonna go with it.

How can I be bottom half?
Doesn't make sense.

- I'm a good person. Fact.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

KAREN: Frank? Why have I gone down?

FRANK KELLY: Sorry, I'm making bathroom.

Ryan compliments me all the time.

He says he never met anyone like me.

FRANK: That's a known
British insult, honey.

- No, it's not.
- FRANK: No, I think it is.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- (FRANK LAUGHING)

- Don't nervous laugh me, Frank.
- FRANK: Sorry.

- I'm going out.
- FRANK: I'm almost done.

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- ELENA: Oh, wow, mi amor.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wow. "A Traditional British Eelhouse.

- Eel-sy does it, Guvnor."
- (CHUCKLES)

Why are we eating here?

The camera-to-customer ratio
is pretty high here.

And you lot could use a bit of a lift.

Is the food all eels?

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Is it all eels?

Eating eels is what won us
the Battle of Agincourt!

We thrashed h*tler's anus
with a brace of eels.

- I don't like eels.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Oh, nobody like eels.
They're the celery of the sea.

But just relax and embrace
the authentic British smell

of abandoned phone boxes

- and James Corden.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hoity-ho
and scupper me bollocks!

Let me show you luverly, luverly c**ts

to your sh*t and stable.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
That means table. This way.

I think the C-word is considered
affectionate in the UK, right?

RYAN: Yes. Absolutely. Yeah.

Sometimes makes it
into the wedding vows.

(DEVICE PINGS)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Here we are,
the old cock and balls. (LAUGHS)

We'll have, uh, an "Eel-ivia Colman,"

an "Idris Eel-ba,"

and an "Eel-ementary, My Dear Wats-eel"

for the tab-eel.

WAITER: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Excellent choices, man.

ELENA: Why are you acting weird?

I thought the rankings
were just a bit of fun?

Yeah, yeah. It's just...
it's just fun, cor blimey!

- (CHUCKLES)
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Is that for your dreadful
cockney accent?

Or 'cause you're lying?

- No.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- It goes down when he lies.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Eel-ivia Colman.

We deboned it for you.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Means we took the bones out.

- It looks like mashed up eyes.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

RYAN: Hold your nose. Push on through.

Or what'll happen?

- Nothing.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Just as long as they
don't force feed us.

Do we die?

- Of course... not.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Okay. Ryan, you need to tell us
everything, right now.

(DOOR CLOSING)

COMPUTER MATT: Welcome, Ryan Clark.

KAREN: Huh. Knew this software
would be cheap.

- Can you change your voice?
- COMPUTER MATT: No.

Can you change yours? See?
(LAUGHS) I have a humor chip.

Mm. Okay, so let momma see
what baby's been thinking.

Ryan's most used words.

RYAN: (OVER COMPUTER)
Karen. Karen. Karen...

- (GASPS, CHUCKLES) Ryan!
- COMPUTER MATT: Hey, do you want

- to expand context of...
- RYAN: Karen.

- COMPUTER MATT: ...words?
- KAREN: Oh, yeah, baby.

RYAN: I'm talking about f*cking Karen!

- (GASPS)
- RYAN: Honestly?

Being around Karen makes me feel

- like a teenager again.
- Oh.

RYAN: And I was deeply uncomfortable

as a teenager. Borderline suicidal.

Christ, that woman is like a verruca

- on my blinking anus!
- Well, that could be anyone.

RYAN: I'm talking about Karen,
for f*ck's sake.

- Dull and draining.
- (GASPS)

RYAN: Like a month
of f*cking Wednesdays.

I'll tell you who can f*ck along nicely.

- Karen Kelly.
- (GASPS)

RYAN: Karen Kelly. I bet if you say that

in the wrong pyramid,
your mouth fills with beetles.

KAREN: You S-head.

RYAN: Honestly, that woman haunts me

- like a perfumed plague pit.
- Shut the f*ck up!

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- PASSENGER: You deserve it.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- No, but I wanna buy this for you.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- I wanna buy it for you.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- (LAUGHS)

That's so cute. (CHUCKLES)

I bet a beautiful couple
like you are ranking highly,

- am I right?
- Uh, no. She's my sister.

RAV MULCAIR: Oh, shame.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- I mean, not a shame, a waste.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- No. (LAUGHS) What I mean is,

I was gonna say
you would have lovely children,

but then, children of incest
are plain looking, aren't they?

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- Not that yours would be.

- Yours would be lovely.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

If you're planning to have them.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- sh*t.

Did you just tell them their
incest children would be plain?

Yes. Yes, that's what just happened.

You know, Rav, I think conversation

isn't your natural medium.

I think you'd do better
with a grand gesture.

Like, a "you go girl" moment.

Okay, yeah, like , points for Rav.

Yes. Yes. As long as you're not talking,

- I think you're... Oh!
- Oh.

- After you.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- Hurry up.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

I'm sorry. Oh, sh*t.

(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

RYAN: You have five hours
of ranking left.

Five hours.

(DEVICE PINGING)

What are you doing?

You just have to smile
for the cameras. It's easy.

I know the intersection points
where I can hit multiple cameras

at once. It's efficient
and avoids cheek fatigue.

(DEVICE PINGING)

Uh, is it okay if I join you?

- Absolutely not.
- (DEVICE PINGING)

(DEVICE PINGS)

You know, I say screw the rankings.

- I am not looking.
- Yeah.

I don't... (SCOFFS)

(DEVICE PINGS)

- Or maybe we should...
- Way ahead of you.

Four thousand four hundred seventy-two.

Five thousand
three hundred and forty-seven.

I can't... I can't believe it.
I'm number two.

How...? Really?
Oh, I'm so pleased for you.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- That makes me so happy.

(CHUCKLES) Wait. Who's number one?

Who the f*ck is better than me?

She's a real number two, all right.

- (JAZZ CHUCKLES)
- (DEVICE PINGS)

Looks like the algorithm
likes your joke.

Does it find me attractive, too?
Maybe I could take it to dinner.

- (JAZZ LAUGHS)
- (DEVICE PINGING)

- You're on a roll.
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna

head up to the bar.

CHARLES: I don't believe this.
You told us

it was about where we live,
not whether we live.

- I really did love you, Ryan.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

Oh, my God. You actually did.

- I did, too.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

I did wonder.

You always seemed to be two drinks short

of curling up in my laundry.

So, where do we go from here?

- Uh, I don't know.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Okay, por dios.

I love you both equally,
but differently.

(DEVICE PINGS)

Well, this is a lot to take in.

- (DEVICE BUZZING)
- What?

(BOTH GRUNT)

- (PASSENGER YELPS)
- (PASSENGER SCREAMS)

- (DEVICE BUZZING)
- I... I didn't do anything.

Unless I'm being penalized for existing.

(SCREAMS)

- (BABY CRIES)
- (SCREAMS)

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- See, this has just tipped over

- into bullying.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- I'm gonna have to sort this out.
- (DEVICE BUZZING)

Guys, you know, I am getting so old.

You know, when I go to
the toilet, I don't take a book.

- I take an encyclopedia.
- (CROWD LAUGHS)

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Back in the game.

Now let me tell you
about my brother, Larry.

I don't wanna say
he's unhygienic, but my God,

the only time he washes behind his ears

is when he's eating a slice
of watermelon.

- (CROWD LAUGHS)
- (DEVICE PINGS)

You ever wonder why
the word "monosyllabic"

has five syllables?

Huh? Boy, that kind of split the room.

Spike is gonna drop the mic
and I'll be back in five.

Thank you.

Uh, number one stuck in your craw?

You know that old folk song,
"Simply the Best"?

That's my funeral song.
Not "Simply the Second Best."

You know why? 'Cause that's not a song!

- (COMMUNICATOR BEEPS)
- Message. It's from number one.

"Meet me at Judd's statue."

How are we looking?

We're both trending below cannibal.

- (SCOFFS) What?
- (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

RYAN: You have two hours
of ranking left. Two hours.

Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it, Doug.

- No, I'll think of something.
- No, I think the baby's coming!

- It's too early.
- It's not checking into a hotel.

It's literally coming out
of my body right now!

- Oh. All right. Towels! Do we need towels?
- (GROANS)

No, f*ck towels! I need dr*gs!

Women want to be unconscious!

(BABY CRIES)

Hey, my hat!

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- f*ck.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- f*ck.

(DEVICE BUZZES)

Judd's ranking advice. Hi, how are ya?

I was told if I kept smiling,
I'd be fine,

um, but my ranking's lower
than snake sh*t.

I think it's because
whatever's happening

on your face right now isn't a smile.

- It's more like a smirk.
- Oh.

I want you to watch me.
See this? See this?

You see? You see what
I'm doing right now?

That's a f*cking
happy factory right there.

There's thousands of people
working up there

making nothing but joy.

- I'm smiling.
- No. You maybe have

- minor nerve damage or something?
- No.

I would maybe get your hands
on some Botox

and a disgraced surgeon.

Judd, your algorithm
inexplicably despises me.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- See?

It's actually a very simple system.

It's, um...

- How do you turn it on?
- Don't you use it?

No. I can't be in my own app

because then
it would achieve singularity.

- You just press that down there.
- Oh.

And let's just...

f*ck.

- Are you low?
- (SCOFFS) As if.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- RYAN: (LAUGHS) That is very cheering.

The German word for what I'm feeling now

is "Schitting Fantastiche."

Okay, um, I could really use
your help right now.

Could you maybe tell me some
of your problems or whatever?

- I'd be doing you a favor.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- So, I'm in love with a woman.
- Which is great.

- But she's married.
- Which is... bad?

Well, y... yeah. The marriage
is complicated. The thing is...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Is this a problem that I can
solve with either money

- or aggressive legal action?
- Uh, probably not.

Then this is not gonna work for me.

I need points, Ryan.
I am desperate for points.

- I will pay for points.
- Christ. You're like

an upturned turtle, aren't you?

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- I'll take the hit on that.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- RAV: Excellent.

Ooh, well done, you, sir.

You... you... Oh, fantastic!
Everyone's a winner.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- No, soccer's the winner!

- (COUGHING)
- Help! Somebody help!

Oh, God, that man's choking!
He's choking! Somebody help him!

- Somebody help him!
- Rav, look at me.

Saving a life is a rankings bonanza.

- Oh, God.
- Come on.

I don't know what I'm doing!
What am I gonna do? Help me!

Give him the Heimlich!

- I don't know the Heimlich.
- I know the Heimlich.

- No, no. She's got it.
- Do I just pump him?

- Pump. Pump.
- I'm here to help you!

You're helping each other.

- I think you have to do it harder!
- It's not work...

He's bloody heavy!

She's saving him! She's saving him.

Thanks.

Well, it's an easy mistake to make.

You know, a heart att*ck
is often indistinguishable

from choking.

Hey. Hey, let me help you with that.

- No, thank you.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- Let me help you with your bag.
- No.

- (DEVICE BUZZING)
- Please, please!

- No.
- HERMAN JUDD: f*ck.

Hey, Iris. How are you?

That's confidential information.

- Damn it.
- Everything okay, Iris?

The algorithm seems to have
figured out my smile hustle.

Is the algo evolving?

Well, if it is, then we must evolve too.

Like how bears learned to dance.

Um, I would like you, Iris,
to be my friend

slash employee again. My friend-ployee.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Did you say that for the rank?

- No.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Yes. Yes. I said
the friend thing for the rank.

And then I said that I said it
for the rank for the rank, too.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Okay.

For this to happen,
you're gonna have to treat me

like a human being, because I am.

You are like a human being.

I am a human being, damn it,
and I want respect.

- I respect you so much.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Okay, I will do my best
to make the respect happen.

(DEVICE PINGS)

You also need to drop
all the lawsuits against me.

- Even the fun ones?
- Yes.

Okay. Okay.

- Oh, man. I missed you, Iris.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- I missed you, too.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- You lying f*ck.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- Goddammit, Iris.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- You're really f*cking me here.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

BILLIE MCEVOY: Hello? Number one?

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) So... oh.

The cream has risen. We are the cream.

- Be the cream.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

What the f*ck? You?

- The best of us is Mads.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

You are two. I is one.
We are three. Pronounced "free."

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Oh.

Oh, I see. No, no, no,
it doesn't understand you.

You're just saying nonsense confidently

and you have cheekbones.

Billie, don't overthink it. It's a very,

- very number two thing to do.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

Just accept that
I am the king of this ship

- and you are basically my...
- If you dare say queen,

I will gouge out your tongue
with my thumbs.

No. I was going to say my jester.

Your jester?

Tongues are too slippery
to gouge, you silly jester.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Ugh, this is ridiculous.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- Oh!

You are the stupidest computer
I've ever met.

I'm gonna turn you off
before you make me hate numbers.

- (CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
- (DEVICE PINGS)

I'm, uh, I'm actually bisexual.
I've had sex twice.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Spike slam. (CHUCKLES)

You know, people say to me, they say,
"Gosh, was it scary, walking on Mars?"

I say, "I don't know. I had
my eyes closed the whole time."

- (CROWD LAUGHS)
- (DEVICE PINGS)

You know, my, uh, fourth wife...

- f*ck!
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Okay, this... here...
There's nobody in here.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- DOUG: See, that's not helping our rankings, honey.

Maybe you could just smile
through the pain?

I hope your ass splits

- and a bus falls out!
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

I completely understand
your hatred, honey.

- IRIS: I hear screaming.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

MATT: No, no, no. I can't get involved.

God, we're so f*cked.
Babe, can I hold... I need to...

What are you doing with your hands?

Oh, my God, the baby's coming.
I've never seen a real birth.

I mean, aside from my own,

but that was a cesarian,
so I missed the money sh*t.

Sadly, I am a midwife only to disaster.

What is this, cervix tourism?
Two tickets to see

- a woman being split in half?
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

(CHUCKLES) You mean like the ship?

The ship is being split in half?

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Yeah, so the m*ssile...

- m*ssile?
- What?

You know what? If you push hard enough,

you could suffocate Matt
with a flying placenta.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- Wait, is that why you're ranking us?

- No! No.
- (DEVICE BUZZING)

Right, stand back. Here I come.

Auntie Iris gonna land this baby.

- I'm not sh1tting out a shuttle!
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- Just smile, like me.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

I can't get involved because last time

I got involved in a medical emergency,

a bald man d*ed.

Be uninvolved more quietly, please.

MATT: But doesn't she need a doctor?

- Okay, baby. Smile!
- IRIS: Push!

- Smile!
- Push!

- (GROANS)
- (WHISPERING) Sound happy. There are mics everywhere.

Just picture stroking
her squidgy little cheeks

- while she's sleeping.
- I can't! I can't!

f*cking picture it!

(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

You have five minutes of ranking left.

- Five minutes.
- (BABY COOS)

I stepped back and you all flourished.

- Isn't that interesting?
- If you said it, no.

- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- DOUG: Oh, wow.

- You're a mother, Mia.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- And I'm a father.
- (DEVICE PINGS, BUZZES)

(DEVICE BUZZES)

- RYAN: Karen! Karen!
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

What are you doing?

KAREN: I'm fruit effing your rank.

You called me an a**l verruca,
and it hurt.

- You mind taking that off?
- KAREN: You said you hated me.

(SCOFFS) The algorithm
was fooled by that?

- Look, I don't hate you.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- Yeah, I do hate you.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

But there are tons of people
I hate more than you.

Matt and Judd, they're the top ten

- all by themselves.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- Really?
- RYAN: Yes. Look at you.

You're intelligent. Relentless.

Not relentless.
You're... you're consistent.

And you get things done.

Things that don't want to be done.

It's actually annoyingly brilliant.

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- But I... I am sorry.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

You know, we always hurt
the ones we love.

Yeah, that's not where this is headed.

Hey. I'm your fruit monster. I'm sorry.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Oh.

- (GASPS) Points for Karen. Ah!
- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

Can someone please explain to me
why she's sh1tting around

and getting rewarded for it?

What kind of value system is that

and how may I exploit it?

No, it's rewarding her apologizing.

The algorithm is learning
to love a teachable moment.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- So, wait a minute. If I...

If I were to call Matt,
as I have many times,

a dead-eyed masturbating parakeet,

and then apologize for it,
"I'm sorry, Matt,"

- I get points for that?
- (DEVICE PINGS)

No need to apologize.
I mean, I... I'm flattered

you think I have
the vibrancy of a parakeet

or the energy to feather
my cloaca to completion.

(DEVICE PINGS)

I'm gonna go prepare my nest for impact.

Doesn't that mean everybody's
just gonna go full metal assh*le

and then apologize
to each other right after?

- Yeah? (GRUNTS)
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Uh, I... I am so sorry, Spike.

- That was an error in judgement.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- f*ck you!
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

I'm so sorry I said that, Jaden.
I've grown so much since then.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- ♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

FRANK: You are indistinguishable
from my mother.

- I can't believe I married you.
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

Not now, Frank.

- See, I'm sorry. See?
- (DEVICE PINGS)

- (GRUNTS) I'm sorry. So sorry.
- (DEVICES PINGING)

- (DEVICES BUZZING)
- PASSENGER : Sorry!

Another beautiful day
in the neighborhood.

- PASSENGER : Sorry!
- PASSENGER : (GRUNTS) Sorry, sorry.

I think we should shut the ranking off

- for the good of mankind.
- (DEVICE PINGS)

Not because you're in the bottom half?

No. No, 'cause actually,
because I just said

that nice thing about mankind,

I'm actually in the safe zone again.

IRIS: Okay. You still want
me to turn it off?

- PASSENGER : Sorry!
- No. No.

- (DEVICE PINGS)
- Because, for whatever reason,

I don't feel very bothered by it now.

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- Goddammit. Uh, yeah. Yeah.

I should shut it off. (SCREAMS)

- (DEVICE BUZZES)
- PASSENGER : Sorry!

I now believe your husband
may have been k*lled

by his own heart whilst I was
trying to save him from choking

on what turned out to be nothing.

- Um, but never the, uh, less...
- Let me be sorry!

I... I just wanted to say,

he seemed like the most wonderful,

bulky man. I am so sorry.

- (DEVICE PINGING)
- Oh, big upgrade!

- (PASSENGERS SCREAMING)
- (DEVICE BUZZES)

- PASSENGER : Sorry!
- (DEVICE PINGS)

COMPUTER VOICE: Ranking complete.

Ranking complete.

- ♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

RYAN: Uh, this is just a reminder,

you only have a couple of minutes left.

If you ranked between one and ,

please head for the front of the ship.

Everyone else, head to the back.

- RYAN: Elena.
- Ryan?

I'm , . What are...

What are you doing?

- Here.
- What is this?

- I love you, Elena.
- I love you.

Five thousand nine hundred
and sixty-three is...

Yeah, sorry, Charles.

Maybe I'll save you in the next life.

- ELENA: Mi amor.
- RYAN: Be safe, my darling.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Billie, you're joining us.
- But you're number two.

Yeah, but we're engineers, so...

we should be with the engines, right?

You're right. Yeah.
Grease and math, my two pillars.

How did you do in the end?

Uh, it was good, but then bad.

Apparently, my jokes are offensive.

I got complaints from bisexuals,

people who don't know the
meaning of the word "monosyllabic,"

folks who are allergic to watermelon.

DOUG: Looks like there's a dipes
to clean.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You know, after this one,

it gets all yellow and seedy.

- Okay, well, that's unpleasant.
- I'll deal with those ones.

Oh, I like Daddy Doug.

That's why we got in the top half, baby.

- I'll get the wipes.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

- AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds.
- Remember me.

Tell my story.

- Do not believe the accusers.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds.

I've wished him away in the past,

but this is as sad
as a graveyard sunset.

At least he'll live on
through all this branding.

I'll give him three minutes.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds.

Make way for King Mads
of the front section.

Happy birthday to everyone
who has a birthday.

BILLIE: Hey, this is the back.
What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

The algorithm peg you
as an engine jockey?

Yeah.

Slammed you
as an emotionally incontinent

walking bald patch?

- Exactly.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten seconds.

- Ready?
- (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)

Let bisection commence
in three, two, one.

(WALLS RUMBLING)

- PASSENGER : Wait!
- (INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

PASSENGER : There's a wall coming down!

MIA: Oh, babe, I put them over here.

No, Doug! The doors! The doors!
Doug! Doug! Doug!

- (DOG BARKS)
- Buddy! Buddy!

There's a big-ass m*ssile
locked onto this side!

Lock onto me if you wanna live! Ah!

(PASSENGERS YELLING)

(LAUGHS) You can never thank me enough!

I'm a space Moses!

- (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS)
- Listen,

there is indeed a m*ssile
coming towards the ship,

and I have to tell you now
that it is most probably

aiming for the back of the ship.

- (ALL GASP)
- RYAN: Where we are.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Sixty seconds to division.

All the bodies that Judd took over there

means more body heat in the front,

so the m*ssile probably
hits them now, right?

- AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds.
- Yeah, I think so. I mean,

it's programmed for mass destruction.

It's a real mass-hole.

Right. I don't care
if the whole ship hears.

I love you, Elena.

- AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds.
- I love you so much,

and it's an honor, truly,
to lay down my life

- for you and for...
- BILLIE: (WHISPERING) Ryan.

Sorry, just one second.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds.

Judd! You... gurning hemorrhoid.

You've just taken a giant
J-shaped sh*t on my sacrifice!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty seconds.

Elena, I'm sorry

that this is the last thing
you're gonna hear me say.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten...

I mean, there were
some really lovely bits

for her to think about.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Five, four, three,

two, one.

(RUMBLING)

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- MIA: Doug! Doug!
- Mia?

MIA: Support the head!

Mia!

PASSENGER: Buddy!

MIA: What's going on?

- RYAN: Elena!
- CHARLES: Elena!

- RYAN: Elena!
- CHARLES: Elena!

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪