17x18 - Please Please Jeff

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[THUD]

- Hey!
- Whoa, man!

I think I have that disorder

where you fall asleep after
you stay up all night.

That's not a disorder,
that's called exhaustion.

What were you doing up all night?

Mrs. S asked me to prep

the chilaquiles, enchiladas suizas,

and huevos motuleños for breakfast.

You made this?

The way you say the names

of this traditional Mexican breakfast

sounds different from mom's,

but tastes exactly like it.

My secret?

I always have Jeff make it.

Another secret?

"Huevos" is Spanish for eggs and balls!

Jeff, you shouldn't be staying up

all night doing chores for my mom.

Especially before we
celebrate our anniversary!

Our wedding's birthday!

Sure. So let's be well-rested

for our wedding birthday
dinner tomorrow.

And for the festivities after.

It's our weird sex stuff birthday, too.

Not to me, Jeff. Okay!

I've just finished designing my costume

for the CIA costume party.

And this is how I'll be going!

I don't know what I'm looking at.

You're looking at Chicken Baby.

Chicken Baby!

Dad, I don't think anyone

at the CIA is going to
understand your costume.

Chicken Baby is...

- not a thing.
- "Nothing is a thing

until it happens for the first time."

Do you know who said that, Steve?

Chicken Baby.

Welcome aboard, Steve.

[THUD, SNORING]

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

Jeff, we're gonna be late
for our dinner reservation!

Well, hello miss unobstructed forehead!

And who's this persona?

Oh, this is no persona,
this is an homage.

To my favorite man, Tony Mendez.

Was he... one of those two brothers

who k*lled their parents?

No, those were the Menendez brothers.

Both way hotter than this guy.

Tony Mendez is who Ben Affleck
played in "Argo"...

, dude made a fake movie
to fly hostages out of Iran.

And planes didn't even
exist before that!

Tony Mendez made the first airplane!

That... isn't true.

Ah, you got me. Just trying a lie.

Anyhoo, I'm celebrating the opening

of an Argo museum in Fargo,
north Dakota.

Apparently,
they tried to put it in Argo, Alabama,

but there was already a museum

dedicated to the movie "Fargo" there.

Jeff, get down here!

I can't hear any more about Tony Mendez!

He was a scorpio and he hated mushrooms.

- One sec, babe.
- ♪ Let me see that thong ♪

I just need to finish recording

this song off the radio.

It's the last song I need for
Klaus's mixtape for Danuta.

- ♪ Thong, thong... ♪
- [STOPS PLAYBACK]

Now you're doing favors for Klaus?!

I believe "favors"
means they'll be returned.

- I get nothing!
- Oh, my God, babe.

You are such a people-pleaser!

- Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.

- It's really not.
- Roger!

Alright, consider me... Gone, Girl!

Another great Ben Affleck film.

If you excuse me, I'm off to the town.

To bang some mallrats.

Jeff, you gotta learn how to say no!

I told Klaus I was celebrating with you,

but he said making the mixtape

was the most important
thing in the world to him

but he didn't feel like doing
it himself because it's boring.

I couldn't say no!
What if he got mad at me?!

Who cares if Klaus gets mad at you?

But when someone's mad at me,
I get so anxious!

Look, bottom line:

You need to do what you want,

not what other people want you to do.

Alright, that won't be hard.

Great! Now put on this shirt for dinner.

You know you're not supposed
to choose your own clothes.

You got it, babe!

♪♪

Finally, I get you all to myself.

Nobody coming around,
being like "duh, Jeff,

chew my food, wipe my butt."

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, no, your shirt!

Whoops!

It's just, when you do voices,

they're spot-on!

But who are they?

[SLOSHING]

Hey!

You look like me!

No, I don't.

I look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas!

And I thought the manager said
we couldn't do our laundry here.

Hey, new guy! I said no laundry!

Me? I don't...

I just spilled on my...

You spilled on your shirt,

and now you're doing laundry

like I asked you not to!

Well, yeah, but...

Are you trying to make me mad?

Are you not mad already?

Get back in the kitchen
or I'll be really mad!

Okay, boss!

Hey! What's that sloshing?!

You better not be an employee
doing laundry in there!

Uh... nope!
Just a horny customer jerking off!

Very good, sir.

Thank you choosing Mama Mangia's.

♪♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

Whoa!

Look at that hot-ass dad

- wearing the...
- Did somebody say

"hot-ass dad wearing
the perfect costume"?

Stan, you stepped on my line.

Take it from the top.

- Did someone say...
- Stan!

You're not giving me time to say it!

You know what? Forget it.

This is just for Steve's benefit.

My benefit?

Huh-ho!

Wow!

What am I lookin' at?!

Right? Right?

Chicken Baby in the flesh.

Did I nail it or what?!

[SNIFFS] And instead of milk,

Kool-Aid and... Everclear?

Nothing but the best
for the best-dressed,

no-stress, feeling young and blessed.

Dad, I'm worried
you're gonna spend all night

explaining your costume.

Oh, okay, I see:

You're jealous.

Aw, it's so sad.

But I forgive you,
because as everyone knows,

Chicken Baby has a big
heart full of forgiveness.

So go [BLEEP] yourself.

[MUSIC THUMPING, GUESTS CHEERING]

And there's Stiles as a werewolf!

Better check your moon schedule

before you go camping with this guy!

And look, d*ck's a scarecrow!

Wouldn't hurt to check your
moon schedule about him too.

In fact, it's startin'
to seem like these moon schedule

party favors aren't as stupid
as people first thought!

[RECORD SCRATCH]

Bloody hell, Smith!

What are you?!

Probably should have checked

your moon schedule

before you chose that getup!

[LAUGHTER]

These moon schedules, right?!

Indispensable!

[SLOSHING]

The manager's a real tyrant, huh?

Tell me about it,
he's making me work on my anniversary.

- HAYLEY: Jeff!
- Customer in the kitchen!

Hide!

What are you doing?!

You left me alone so long

I watched "The Irishman"
in its entirety on my phone!

I'm so sorry, babe!

The manager asked me to wash dishes,

and then something came up
with, um, with...

Jane's babysitter.

Jane. So she asked me to cover for her.

And I didn't know she
was working a double!

Jeff, table, now.

Hey, if I don't see you again,

I just wanted to say,

thanks for telling me
about all the girls

you banged at Christian camp.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Jeff?

[GROANS] Have you said all the parts?

- Get back in the kitchen!
- Okay.

- Jeff! Sit down!
- Okay.

It's happening!

I'm getting angry!

Aah! Jeff doesn't work here, you moron!

He's just a people-pleaser
who can't say no!

My bad! Thank you for choosing

Mama Mangia's!

[SMASHES]

Jeff! You gotta stop doing
what everyone else wants.

You're not just a monkey taking orders.

But I like doing what
makes other people happy.

That's my reason for doing anything.

Plus, I like monkeys!

What about tonight?

Our "wedding's birthday"?

Did you want this?

Well, you asked me to marry you!

I what.

You proposed to me.

I thought you wanted...

I was talking about where we're eating,

not our whole [BLEEP] marriage!

Oh-ho, good.

Whew.

The restaurant?

No.

Mmm... no.

I can't believe you only married me

because I asked you to.

Babe, wait!

Could you keep it down, please?!

I'm jerking off really hard right now.

♪♪

Oh, hey, Jeff.

What's up, sad-ass?

I messed up.

And now Hayley's worried

I just married her
because she wanted me to.

But that's what happened, right?

Yeah...

But I also married her
because I wanted me to.

I love Babe.

She called me a people pleaser.

Which turns out is a bad thing!

Whoa, bad things are harsh.

Hey, could you give me
a hand plucking these

strawberry seeds out of my toothbrushes?

My fingers are sore from piano lessons.

Sounds like you have to show
Hayley you're capable of making

a self-motivated decision.

- Is that what I gotta do?
- Yes.

And you can do that by
choosing to do something no one

in the world would want to do but you.

My heart's desire!

Yes!

But what is that?

I can't tell you that, Jeff.

But this little bag can.

- Is that dr*gs?
- Yes.

I love when dr*gs are the solution!

Your costume is a failure.

You're a big, stupid idiot, Stan.

Time to tear up this
Mensa membership card.

Men's spa?!

Oh, that's why no one
wanted to do anagrams

with me in the steam room.

[GROANING, SMACK, THUD]

MAN: Whoa, it's Chicken Baby!

Great costume!

Who said thaaaaa...

[CHIMES]

My name is Shaman Randy,

you may know me as the
part-time lifeguard at the Y.

I was full-time but they cut my hours.

Guess they don't care if
kids drown from to .

This is Mother Ayahuasca.

And on today's journey she will
show you your heart's desire.

And mess you up real good.

Ayahuasca's so powerful,

it costs ten whole dollars

for a container this big at Whole Foods.

Tuttle's confusing Ayahuasca
with açaí berries

I'm not correcting him.

Now Ayahuasca can make you

feel a little like vomiting.

But as the Dalai Lama famously said,

"the more you throw up,
the more you grow up."

And then he famously threw up.

Namaste.

Shaman Randy?

Please, call me Shaman Randy.

When will it kick in?

I don't feel any...

differreeennnt...

♪♪

♪ Quando o coracao para ♪

Make my chilaquiles, bitch!

♪ A eternidade começa ♪

Aah! Oooh-ooh!

Mix tape! "Thong song"!

♪ Quando o ritmo cessa ♪

♪ an be ta anga yalahoula ♪

♪ kiléganfai yalahoula ♪

♪ an be ta anga koumahoula ♪

Ooh-ooh! Shave me!

Shave my monkey balls!

I'm supposed to be Chicken Baby!

Everybody knows!

♪ An be ta anga baro la ♪

Moon schedules!

Get your indispensable

moon schedules!

Aah!

♪♪

[TIRES SQUEAL]

I know what I want! I know what I want!

I know what I wanna do!

[RETCHING]

Yes, yes, that's quite common.

More have to than want to.

No, I know how to show Hayley
I'm capable of doing things

just because I want to do them.

I'm gonna drive a plane

across America!

Wow! I need you to wipe
your mouth immediately.

And you don't mean "fly" a plane?

No. My license is for driving.

I'm going to taxi across the country,

right back into Hayley's heart.

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

That's certainly something no one else

in the history of time
has ever wanted to do.

But there's just the small matter

of where to get a plane...

They have a ton of them at the airport.

You know what,
I could give ya my old plane.

It's just been sitting gathering dust.

Really?

If Jeff gets a plane,

can I get an amen?!

- Amen!
- Amen!

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[WHEELS CLATTERING]

Wait, stop, stop!

It's okay, sir,
you hit your head pretty hard,

but you're gonna be fine.

No! No I'm not!

My son... he thinks so little of me.

Well, that's pretty common.

No, somebody recognized my costume!

It wasn't us...

But there was a guy in here!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

A shoe!

Whoever was in that
stall got my costume,

and when he ran out to
share the good news,

he lost his shoe.

He's my Cinderella!

No one's leaving this
party until I find him.

When it's a man you say
Cinderfella, you bigot!

♪♪

Hayley, did you hide my driving cane?

I'll hide it up your ass if
you don't get out of here.

- [GASPS]
- I'm sorry, Klaus.

I... I don't even know if my husband

wanted to marry me.

Wow!

I'm touched you would
open up to me about this.

And fortunately, I have some advice

- that'll solve...
- [JET ENGINE ROARING]

What the hell?!

[ENGINES IDLING]

Well, babe, I guess it's pretty obvious

what this means!

No! Not even a little bit!

I'm driving this thing to north Dakota

to remove any doubt about the
sincerity of my wedding vows.

That sounds kind of unnecessary
bordering on stupid!

I'm glad you think so!

'Cause that proves I'm doing it for me!

- [HONKING]
- Whoa!

Wonder where he's going in such a hurry.

I'm flying this car to Fort Lauderdale

to prove to my wife I love her.

That's sweet.

[ENGINE ROARING]

[CRASH, expl*si*n]

JEFF: His wife is gonna be so happy.

So I don't know if my
marriage is even real.

Of course Jeff said "I do,"

but he never says no to anything!

Oh, totally!
I dared him to kiss a bat...

and he did!

He also mounted our TV and
hung the picture frames

and got rid of the dead bat in
the back of the refrigerator.

This bat's dead?

[CHUCKLES] No, that's a different bat.

Our other bat.

Look, what I'm trying to say is,

I don't even know if Jeff loves me.

Because of the bat?

- No.
- Of course he loves you.

He won't shut up about you!

Oh my God, Nerf, check out this bat.

Is he freaking gorgeous or what?

Oh, my God, get it!

He's $ , though...

Screw it, I'm getting it.

- I got it. It's done.
- Wait, guys!

What do you mean Jeff
won't shut up about me?

Do you guys talk to him a lot?

Yeah, mostly when he's trimming my bush.

He always makes it about you.

When he whats your what now?!

Oh, my God!

Look, Jeff's always gonna be

a people pleaser, that's just who he is.

But if you don't realize he loves you,

- you are batshit crazy.
- Hey, look!

Someone's driving a big
metal bat on the highway!

For those of you who
just unmuted your TVs,

yes, someone's driving
a plane down the road,

causing incredible damage.

Eye witnesses say it even
tore through a Foot Locker,

exposing that they do, in fact,
have your size in the back.

Now let's throw it over to Memphis,

who, like the plane,
is down on the ground.

MEMPHIS: Y'hate to see it, Greg.

Six adult bookstores,
completely decimated.

What was once the heartbeat of Langley,

affectionately known as Skin Alley,
is now no more.

And now I'm standing next
to a man who seems to think

I'm going to interview him, but I'm not.

Back to you!

[METAL CRASHING, CLANKING]

This just feels good!

I'm following my heart,

showing Babe that what we have is real.

[CHUCKLING] And I'm in the middle of

a Kn*fe fight with Jesus.

[RINGTONE PLAYING]

It's Babe!

Wait, this isn't safe.

I should be in airplane mode.

[RINGING STOPS]

I'm switching to airplane mode, too.

I'm dying!

That's everybody's shoes?

Yeah, Stan, you did it.

No one is wearing shoes.

I don't like that tone,
d*ck, I'm not being stupid.

I'm looking for my
Cinderella shoe match.

Where are the hostage negotiators?

Over there.

Why aren't we using them?

Cuz they blew out their voices singing

"Livin' on a Prayer"
in the karaoke room.

That was them?!

It was worth it.

But we've contacted Smith's family

and someone's coming to talk him down.

Oh, boy. Dad?

Is everything okay?

Oh yeah.

Better than okay, Steve.

Contrary to what you thought,

someone recognized my costume.

And the... [NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

the shoes are for what, Dad?

I'm looking for my Cinderella...

The man who recognized my
costume left a shoe behind.

Couldn't you have just looked
for the person with one shoe?

Millennials, always taking the easy way.

And you...

you're only wearing one shoe, Dad.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

So your Cinderella is...

Me. So that must mean
my subconscious told me

how kickass my costume
was before I passed out.

I guess I should feel lucky to have

such a supportive subconscious.

Great, Dad.

So can everybody go home

to their families then?

Not quite yet, Steve.

Maybe you guys didn't
know I was Chicken Baby,

but I knew.

And that was the lesson

I was trying to teach my son.

Teach all of you really.

Because if you know
who you are in here...

Uh-oh, here comes the tranquilizer.

Then it doesn't matter what
anybody else thinks of you

Chicken Baby's a metaphor
for being yourself...

[FIRES, DART STICKS]

Let the party continue!

We still have the
photo booth for an hour

if anyone wants to wear
a funny hat with me!

Get off the road!

You're making me late for work!

Ever heard of flying, moron?!

JEFF: Sorry!

I know Babe told me not to care

if people are mad at me,

but I do care!

I can't not care!

I give up!

[HONKING]

[METAL CRASHING]

[HONKING SUBSIDES]

Tuttle, put some clothes on, bud.

We're in mixed company.

TUTTLE: I don't wanna!

- Babe, we need to talk.
- No, babe, we need to talk.

I tried my hardest to
show you I love you,

but I just got in everybody's
way and they were honking

and I felt terrible.

I failed.

If you don't want to be married to me,

I understand.

No, babe. Just the opposite.

I love you, Jeff.

And I know that being a people pleaser

is just part of the whole
beautiful package of Jeff.

But I didn't prove I love you!

You don't have to.

Nerfer and Danuta did it for you.

Aww, those guys are great.

They let me kiss a bat!

When you try to make people happy,

it's your way of showing you love them.

And nobody could make
me happier than you do.

What in Tony Mendez's
blessed name are you doing?!

My girl Margot at the Argo museum

told me to turn on the news

'cause there's an embargo on
my cargo headed for Fargo!

This plane needs to get to north Dakota

or I'm not getting bucks.

Wait, this was your idea?

As Jeff's Ayahuasca shaman,

I may have had a light
hand in guiding him.

[BELL CHIMES]

Drive my plane to Fargo!

Drive my plane to Fargo!

That's your heart's desire!

Okay? Drive my plane to Fargo!

Heart's desire!

So get back on the plane, Jeff!

- You gotta get movin'!
- No!

Find somebody else to drive your plane!

[CHANTING]

Never mind, I just spotted

an extremely qualified candidate.

[MOANING]

Aah!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!