02x02 - Guess Who's Coming At Dinner

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("NOBODY KNOWS"
BY T. L. BARRETT PLAYS) ♪

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

GOSSIP GIRL:
We all want to be in control

of how the world sees us.

♪ Nobody knows ♪

- ♪ All the troubles I've seen ♪
- (CELL PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ All the problems... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Sometimes we're tactful
about what we show others.

♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ Glory, hallelujah... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL:
And sometimes we are tactless.

- ♪ Glory, glory ♪
- ♪ Hmm, let me hear you ♪

♪ Glory, hallelujah... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: There are times we wish

we could have
shown ourselves differently.

And then there are times when the
world sees us exactly how we want.

GARRETT BARNES: No one believes
me, but it's better in the oven.

They're turkey. Shan's off pork
and Gwen's off nitrates.

- (CHUCKLES) And I was fasting.
- (ALARM BEEPS)

GWEN BARNES: That's new.

GOSSIP GIRL: Who among us
hasn't tried to escape our lives

- from time to time?
- (ALARM STOPS)

GOSSIP GIRL:
Or buried our heads in the sand

to run from an uncomfortable reality?

You're gonna be late.

Not if I don't go.

- Your friends miss you, and...
- Who needs friends, or school,

or clothes?

Can't we just do this forever?

Obie, no... (BREATHES DEEPLY)

GOSSIP GIRL: That's why I'm here.

To drag you kicking and screaming

into the harsh light of day

until you finally accept the truth.

Your image is something
you'll never have power over.

Show any face you want,
but know I'll expose them all.

There's no hiding from me.

"The inevitable death of..."

♪ ("NOBODY KNOWS"
BY T. L. BARRETT FADES) ♪

I got the granola you like.
And the pistachio milk.

Did you know this is made
in Fort Greene?

You didn't have to do that.

I know you're still reeling
from the other night.

And while I can't condone
how you two handled yourselves,

I can't imagine how shocking
it must have been finding out

Monet invited your dad.

Actually, that was
the most believable thing

that happened that night, lol.

I assume this means w*r?

JULIEN CALLOWAY: I'm gonna try
something more radical...

letting it go.

Please impart this newfound wisdom
onto your sister,

who's miraculously still asleep.

- I'll go check...
- Oh, um, I'll go get her.

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

I think I'd like a bagel,
actually. (CHUCKLES)

Bread on a weekday? You have changed!

- (JULIEN CHUCKLES)
- I'll get one going.

(DOOR OPENING)

(YAWNS DRAMATICALLY) Mm.

(YAWNS, CLICKS TONGUE)

Mm.

Good morning. (EXHALES)

NICK LOTT: Up late again?

Finishing a paper on Catch- . (SIGHS)

Ever since Christmas it's like
you're your old self again.

(CHUCKLES) Even better, am I right?

(NICK CHUCKLES)

What do you think about cooking tonight?

We could each do a course?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in.

Me too.

By the way, Sis,

did you notice you're
all over the socials today?

Monet! What the f*ck?
Did you invite my dad?

Why would you do that?

You ruined it.
Like you ruined everything.

- Stop!
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I'm actually not that hungry.

That's the second day in a row.

Maybe she already ate?

(CHUCKLES)

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC FADES) ♪

You're still not dressed?

OBIE BERGMANN: No. I'm not going.

Look, why don't you
just move in, all right?

Your tutor can move in too.

We can all be homeschooled together.

(SIGHS) In our free period,
we can, uh...

Why don't you wanna go? Julien?

No, of course not. No, it's...

Everyone. (SIGHS)

You know, they're just...
I mean, did you even read about

what happened last weekend?
And that's not even, like, bad

from where they're concerned.

GRACE BYRON: Yeah, I don't think
you give them enough credit.

A lot of introspection seemed
to be happening over New Year's.

Maybe they've changed. Give it a day?

Tomorrow is a day.

My driver's downstairs.
How about we pick up Audrey

and Aki on the way?

Find out whose house they're at?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY) Okay.

Sam Francis sketch was a gift
from your mother, correct?

A gift to me, before we were married.

- Okay, another one for you.
- Is that a dig?

Not a dig. Just an observation.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Maxy?
Honey, could you do me a favor

and grab me a water?

You don't wanna hear this next bit.

I'm gonna have to pretend
to put up a fight

for pops's Nick Brandts
so that he'll let me keep the Haring.

- (SCOFFS)
- Yeah, sure.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- AUDREY HOPE: Hey!
- GIDEON WOLFE: Audrey,

Aki, Obie, what a nice surprise.

And you are...

GRACE: Grace Byron.
My pronouns are she/her.

- And yours?
- Ah, f*ck.

GIDEON: He/him,
and thank you for asking.

GRACE: Thank you so much for having us.

So, she ambushed us
on our way to come get you.

- (SIGHS)
- AKI MENZIES:

Looks like you had a rough night.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you said
to keep up the appearance

I'm single, so I'm keeping it up.

(INHALES) Which probably means
I won't be able to free you later.

Well, better than the word getting out
that you're suddenly celibate.

That would raise too many alarms.

GRACE: We have
some mutual friends, right?

- ROY SACHS: Do we?
- GRACE: Iris Lefferts?

ROY: You're kidding.

I'm dead serious.
Iris Lefferts and my mother

are in the DAR together!

The what?

Uh, Daughters of the American
Revolution, it's...

Words you probably
shouldn't say anymore?

- (SCOFFS) It's an organization.
- For rich WASPs. Like Congress.

Um, remember when I told you
they were meeting people

to redesign Gramercy Park?

Well, I was trying to find a way in.

Grace's mom's friend is on the board.

- Uh, Iris is notoriously...
- Particular? (CHUCKLES)

She warms up once you get to know her,

but let me put in a good word!
Forward me your proposal?

Well, thank you.

Otto, you found yourself
a good one here.

Yeah.

"Gossip Girl's meteoric rise was fueled

by its unflinching finger
on the pulse of high society,

but she appears to have flatlined.

The tell-all source told us nothing

about the biggest showdown
since Nicki v. Cardi.

"Has GG left the scene,
or has the scene left her?"

(SCOFFS) I miss one scuffle
and it's over?

All good things must come
to an end, right?

And surprisingly, without a
suspension or a subpoena!

But you're not really
buying this, right?

I mean, it's nothing.
It's The Spectator,

for God's sake. The amount
of tips I got this week alone...

You accomplished what you set out to do!

Julien is a kinder, gentler,
albeit disgraced young woman

who is off social media
and considering college.

What else do you want?

(BIKE ENGINE REVVING)

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Once GG gets footage
of Camille admitting

that she bribed Burton,
talk about front page news.

It'll make The Spectator
look like a Substack.

Do you really think that Motorcycle Mike
will give it to you?

Even if he does, the second it's on GG,

he'll know how it got there.

And why was he even in the room?

Maybe he's a spy for Pfizer
in some sort of intricate game

- of corporate espionage? Or...
- Or I could just ask him.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

Hey!

- So, uh, about the other night...
- MIKE SHUBIN: Let me guess.

You want a cut of the blackmail money?

- Depends on how much it is.
- Look, that sabbatical I took?

It was 'cause I reached a breaking point

with the corruption here.
I'd hoped post-Covid

it would've subsided, but no,
I... I can still get a table

at Lilia at a moment's notice.

Hmm. The true New York superpower.

MIKE: Yeah, granted
to me by supervillains.

Someone needs to hold
these people accountable

before we're all bought and paid for.

You might be the first person

who could actually
take out Camille de Haan.

She's just a victim
of a systemic disease

that's been plaguing
these schools for years.

What we heard the other night,
not even a tip of the iceberg.

So, why not send it in to Gossip Girl

- and Titanic her ass?
- MIKE: Well, from what I've read,

Gossip Girl is more
the Titanic these days.

Well, I believe so fully in your
mission statement, and I want in.

Thanks, but I'd hate for you to
get caught up in this and get fired.

I trust you'll keep this between us?

- You won't tell Gossip Girl?
- Mm, of course not!

(CHUCKLES) Keller.

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC FADES) ♪

AUDREY: I starred a bunch
of people who tapped you

who I think you'd like.

Also I realized you were incognito mode,
so I switched your settings.

(EXHALES) It's because I'm exhausted.

Can we please not do this anymore?

You said you understood we need time.

Yeah. Also, it's not just about us.

See, my mom, she's up
for this big design job at J Crew.

So, a scandal could overshadow that.

AKI: Yeah, and my mom's throwing
a big Welcome-to-New-York party

for former Princess Mako,
and I don't want that

- to be overshadowed either.
- Yeah.

Look, just pick three
that you like, okay?

If you're too tired to chat them up,

then I'd be more than happy
to do so on your behalf.

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You know, I'm so glad to see
you guys all so happy together.

Wasn't really sure how things were left
after New Year's, you know.

- (INHALES) You and Max are...
- Uh, no...

- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

That was kinda just for fun.

Yeah, and it wasn't even that fun.

- Right. Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) Seriously.

Oh, my God, look,
it's Julien with paparazzi?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

OBIE: Will you take me with you, please?

One day, you promised.

I'll be here to pick you up
after school like a mom.

(EXHALES) I know.

And now something else
to talk about with my analyst!

(OBIE CHUCKLES, KISSES)

Bye.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

PAPARAZZI : Julien, come on,
give us a little smile.

PAPARAZZI : Good, babe.

PAPARAZZI : Beautiful. Come on, Julien.

PAPARAZZI : Right the...
Yes, right there, okay.

PAPARAZZI : Right,
I love that look. Yes!

Oh, thank God you're here.
They followed me onto the M !

I don't know that equation.

The bus, Luna.
They were outside Zoya's house

and now they're still here!

It's because you're trending again,
from Discord to Douyin.

Who knew what everyone wanted
was to see a bunch of rich girls

in white dresses tear each other apart

like it was the next Ari Aster movie?

That's the last thing
I want to be known for.

Mm, second to last.
Let me remind you, this is good.

Your dad may have been there,
but he's not on here.

You're on your way to being you again.

Maybe infamous this time
instead of famous,

but that's so much better.

The Spectator called.
They're doing a spread

for their Sunday magazine
on the world's most influential teens,

and they're hoping
I can sway you to be the center.

Well, what does that entail?

You basically host a luxe dinner party

for six of your besties for
them to sh**t and write about.

If you don't do it,
they're gonna call Monet, Jules.

It's you or her.

Stop trying to pit us
against each other!

There's no versus, there's no w*r.

What happened at the deb ball
blew up in her face.

She's probably somewhere
with her tail between her legs.

Kate... right?

- Hi.
- Uh...

Ms. Keller. Uh, since when do you two...

Complete strangers to us. (COUGHS)

Are you students here?

Pippa Sykes.

- And Bianca Br...
- Transfer students, as of today.

Um, so the teachers' entrance
is just gonna be around the back.

That hasn't been enforced
since the s.

(CHUCKLES) And again today.

- I'm not a teacher.
- BIANCA BREER: Your hair is.

And your clothes.

In ten years, you're gonna
be digging through the racks

at Screaming Mimi's
praying you find all of this.

In ten years my EA might.

Vintage on th street?

If I wasn't intermittent fasting, I'd

literally be throwing up in my mouth.

(BIANCA CHUCKLES)

Intermittent fasting is just
a rebranded eating disorder!

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ever had a -dollar heirloom carrot?

- Can't say that I have.
- Well, you're in luck.

Dan Barber is making room for us
at the Blue Hill upstate,

so there's a seat at that farm-to-table
with your name on it. You in?

Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.
My dad says we should have fun.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

On the grid, I see?

Still pent-up after leaving me high
and very dry last night?

If you're not into this,
just tell me. I can take it.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Rex,
I told you, anticipation...

Is only worth it in the end?

This bottom is free first period

and so are you.

That was last year. Maybe another time.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

What's going on?

"New rules, or new school, up to you."

(SCOFFS) What fresh hell is this?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

WENDY FINEMAN-WALSH: Oh,
she's gone full Chairman Mao-net!

And on real paper, not an email!

Bonus points, but still terrifying.

Nope, exactly what I need.

Monet wants to take
Constance pre-me, good.

Maybe it will remind Mike
that the apple doesn't fall far

from the tree.

- GOSSIP GIRL: Greetings, followers.
- (CELL PHONES CHIMING)

It's a new day, a new dawn,
a new life, and I'm feeling greedy.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

GOSSIP GIRL: So many tips coming my way,

you'd think it was last semester.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

GOSSIP GIRL: Though Max Wolfe looks like

he's on the prowl,
it appears he's on pause.

Everyone he dates, he ducks out on.

What of Zoya Lott, caught sneaking

into her apartment
the third day in a row?

Where has she been sleeping,
and who with?

Oh, I really hope Dad doesn't see this.

I warned you about doormen.

GOSSIP GIRL:
But does it even matter anymore?

A new era may soon be upon us,

with Attila de Haan at the helm.

A play for back doors,
dress codes, and hierarchies.

This revolution will be live-streamed.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC FADES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Uh! I'm sorry, you're not on the list.

- Uh... (SCOFFS)
- Let her pass.

A formal dress code?
Assigned seating on the steps

and imported minions? Is this your way

of trying to make Constance
a caste system?

(CHUCKLES) Back when you “mattered,”

- this school had no hierarchy.
- Which is a good thing.

Until it led to anarchy like Zoya and...

(GASPS) ...Gossip Girl.

You know, people crave order.
That's what I deliver.

You were soft, benevolent.
Switzerland. I'm North Korea.

Though it may be the size
of a postage stamp,

the whole world shudders
when it does so much as speak.

The peasants
of Constance falling into line

is only the beginning. (CHUCKLES)

Next, legions of followers,
all bowing down to me.

This w*r you tried to start
is between me and you.

- Don't take it out on everyone.
- No. They love it. (CHUCKLES)

It gives them purpose,
rewards their potential,

and it provides someone
to aspire to. Hmm.

(INHALES) And after my piece
in The Spectator

where I am named

one of the world's
most influential whatevers,

everyone...

will be under my influence.

(LAUGHS)

What's funny?

- They offered it to me first.
- Sure they did, bb.

Yeah, and I happily declined.

(CHUCKLES) You be happy.
I'll be powerful.

Just remember,
no adornments moving forward?

You're... (SIGHS) ...enough as you are.

(INHALES) Um, come.

I want that.

PIPPA SYKES: Oh, Cartier.

(JULIEN GASPS)

(SCOFFS) You're not in on this, right?

Hell no. My parents sent me here
to escape dictatorship.

People won't just fall in line.

(EXHALES) Said every democracy
before it fell.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Dad.

If you haven't been sleeping
at home, where have you been?

- Listen...
- I know where you've been.

I can't believe
I thought you were better

than all these rich,
self-absorbed snobs.

What other kind of people
would let you stay over there

without checking with me first?

The kind that trust their kids.
You know, maybe if I thought

- that you trusted me...
- Why would I? You'd lie.

You even lied about
where you were at New Year's.

- I called Shan's mom...
- You called her?

And she said you were there
that night, too. (SCOFFS)

- Did you even go to Hudson?
- Dad, I...

NICK: Prepare closing arguments at home.

You'll be there for a while
because you're grounded.

And I don't want Shan
coming over again, either.

Shan didn't even know
that I lied to you!

NICK: Be home within
minutes of last bell

or you won't be seeing daylight
again for the rest of the year.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

No carrots for Zoya?

Why didn't you tell me
you hadn't told him?

I didn't want you to feel bad
when he said that I couldn't.

I was having so much fun,
I didn't want it to end.

And truthfully,
hanging out with your family

just reminded me
what things were like before.

When life was simpler and
my dad and I actually talked.

What's his beef with us anyways?
He hasn't even met my fam.

His beef is with anybody that can
easily afford a place in Manhattan.

And now I can't see you
for who knows how long.

You've been faking it this whole time?

Uh, I made out with them, I just...

- I just never made it into them.
- (AUDREY SCOFFS)

What? With one person, fine, but three?

Even Gossip Girl knows something's up.

Yeah, look, I know you guys
are not ready,

and I'm sorry that GG caught on, okay?

But look, maybe this is more of a sign
that we should be ourselves.

Aki and I have been talking, and
honestly, this thing between us?

Why should it be anyone else's business?

I mean, my college counselor's
been going on non-stop

about avoiding scandal,
and the only way to do that

is to keep this between us.

W... never come out?
What, am I to be trapped

in your closets forever?

No, thinking about this
as "in vs. out..."

It feels so binary, dude.

Like, this is about us
not opening ourselves

up to public discourse and judgment.

Look, see, all we have to do
is one more thing

to get GG off our backs,
and we can be us again. Alone.

Let me guess. You have a plan?

Your dad's going
to a show tonight, right?

So, invite a group over
for a little romp

and circumstance,
and once they're in your bed,

we'll bust in, snap a photo,
and show GG that Max Wolfe

is still up to it,
three little pigs and all.

Just not us three.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

- KATE KELLER: They got you too?
- Barricaded the front door

with freshmen
like it was a human Les Mis.

That's your “victim's” daughter.

Oh, Keller, thinking small.

I'm after a bigger fish.

KATE: The headmistress?

Who better?
You may be focused on Camille,

but I think the source
of a river is more interesting

than the tiny stream we stumbled upon.

When something's for sale,
there are multiple bidders.

- (KATE GASPS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Which is why I'm having dinner
with her tonight.

She likes me, I know opera.

After a couple bottles of Bordeaux,
she'll be singing an aria.

Or fifty.

You want more than just one name.

Or maybe I wanna see how much I cost.

That's one secret I'll never tell.

Um, okay, that's enough, handmaids.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC FADES) ♪

My place at : ?

I need my arrival live streamed,

and no one knows my angles like you do.

Mistaking me for one of your minions?

No, just outsourcing.

You... you and I were wasting our time
in those roles for too long.

It's time we see ourselves at the top.

There is no "we" in this.

This is all you, to do it this way.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Come on, Lune, okay?

You know I've always wanted
my own influence.

Julien just got there first.

And now that she's squandered hers,
it's my time.

And unlike Julien,
I want my subjects to quake in fear,

never forgetting who's in charge.

(PIPPA CLEARS THROAT)

MONET DE HAAN: Hmm?

- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
- (GASPS)

Oh, good, it's my first banishment!

Um, Pips, accidentally trip,
as you bring her to me,

so she skins her knees? Oh, my gosh!

PIPPA: Hey!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Monet actually expects people
to use tickets to enter

- the bathroom?
- It's a power move,

- it won't stick.
- Gossip Girl says different.

"Another January insurrection?
This Constance coup is brewing.

What's your role gonna be, JC?
Savior, or subordinate?"

- Down. Lower.
- Down. Down.

I mean, I know she has to be stopped,

but why does it have to be me?

Because you created her.
Years of inattentiveness

to her wants and desires
has made her your Brutus.

As my tío used to say,
"You cause the problem,

you fix the problem."

And there's an easy way to do it.

Sabotage The Spectator spread.

That would only incite her more.

Not if she can't prove it was you.

You do it from the inside,
making it silently fall apart,

like Neiman's, or Florence Pugh
and that old guy.

Monet'll look desperate trying to pin

the blame on you
with nothing to back it up,

and while she tries
to put out the fires,

you appear as the smoke clears.

Lady Liberty after a foggy morning.

Constant, reliable, strong as ever.

Hi, this is Luna La calling
for Zelda Wengrod?

- Yes, I'll hold.
- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES) ♪

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(INHALES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Did you really think this would work?

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.

Noble O in less than noble company.

Are you kidding me? (CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL:
Is he playing for a...

Are you kidding me?

Honestly, Roy, if this is about
the Le Sidaner again...

No, it actually worked!
Grace Byron got me an audience

with the Gramercy Park gorgon
for tonight.

GIDEON: Well, I'm glad for you?

Yes, well, I need a little...

Favor.

I don't understand. From me?

And there's a catch.

Let me guess.
She doesn't like q*eer people.

Historically speaking, no, she doesn't,

but she is willing to meet, so...

- Maybe I was wrong.
- About what?

Tonight.

She turns out to be so much bigger

than I ever could have imagined.

This is ridiculous! You can't
hide from your life like this,

and you can't run from your friends.

It's not running if they're not chasing
or... or even noticing.

I'm not following.

How do you feel about being a plus one?

- To what?
- Dinner tonight. You, me, your friends.

Let them remind you why you love them.

I'm still waiting for the catch?

Well, she thinks we're married.

- What's going on here?
- Uh, nothing.

It's not a big deal.
We could just pretend, right?

Like old times.

Like nothing happened?
What exactly are you telling me?

I need to have dinner
with Nancy f*cking Reagan

and pretend like we're still together?

Or that maybe our life
is a little more conventional

than one of us is?

Shouldn't you be
on your way to Tarrytown?

- (INHALES) Change of plans.
- People do not do these things, Roy!

This is the real world,
not The Birdcage!

He says while clearly clutching
his pearls at this very moment?

(GASPS)

Audrey, Aki, would you wanna
have dinner with Obie and me tonight?

At your house?
Sorry, did you miss the part

where my dad said
I can't see you or your family?

Just... just two hours, Gideon.
I promise.

Two hours? That's it?

Just know I won't take no for an answer.

An answer to what now?

That dinner she requested
is at our house.

He just needs to see it
with his own eyes.

- See what?
- My taste?

GIDEON: It's three.
You think I have time to cook

and redecorate?

Dinner. You, us.

Me, my fam.
Which is why Gwen and Garrett

have invited the both of you
over tonight, and I told them

to tone down the whole rich thing
so he can see just how wrong he is.

The answer is yes!
Uh, anything for my boy Obes.

We just have an errand
at, like, six. Six?

Seven.

Seven, and then we're all yours.

Max, would you want to join?

- No, he's busy.
- He's busy.

Yeah, that.

- Do you have an appointment?
- JULIEN: We both do.

That Spectator spread's about
to get a whole lot bigger.

Why be influential alone

when you can be referential together?

I can't wait to see you shine, bitch!

Wait, what are you saying?

SHAN BARNES: Get Nicky and get dressed.

Tonight, you're eating Barnes-to-table.

- That's right! I'm coming to dinner!
- See you there.

- GOSSIP GIRL: Julia Child once said...
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

GOSSIP GIRL: ...“The dinner hour is

a sacred time.”

GOSSIP GIRL:
But she didn't live in New York.

Hope you're hungry, followers,

because tonight, mayhem is on the menu,

and devastation is for dessert.

I left my boyfriend at home
for Victorian-era cosplay?

No good sex happens here.

Yeah, Wolfe, what's this about?

Since you all seem dissatisfied
by my previous performance,

perhaps a group activity
might do the trick?

Uh, we have the whole house
to ourselves and I will not stop

until you are all deeply,
fully satisfied.

But I am gonna course
it out, you know, like a...

like a five-star meal.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Okay, my room is on the fourth floor.

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

That's strange. It's not locked.

Uh, Maxy must've forgotten
on his way out.

(SIGHS) Get dinner going

and I'll make
everything less Oscar Wilde.

Oh... Cunty Continental or Country Club?

If they serve it on Gilded Age,
we're good.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Oh, Keith, I'm so sorry
to do this to you.

♪ ("SOMETHING WE'LL REMEMBER"
BY IBIBIO SOUND MACHINE PLAYS) ♪

PHOTOGRAPHER: And together.

Of course she's late. They won't seat us

until the full party is here.
She better show.

(EXHALES) She wouldn't wanna
sabotage this one, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's good for her, too.

Pippa, I can feel you breathing
on my shoulder.

Swap with Bianca, hmm? Mm-hmm. (GRUNTS)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪

♪ And you will remember ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Something we will remember ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na ♪

MIKE: Okay.

Is there a problem? Are we early?

Okay, only one way to say it, I lied.

Burton is having dinner tonight.
Just not with us.

- Uh...
- (KNOCKS)

At least, not yet.

- Hey!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mr. Shubin. And Ms. Keller.
Did something happen at school?

I saw dinner on your calendar,
I thought I missed an email. Uh.

- It's not a faculty event?
- No, it's not.

- KATE: Huh.
- Darn it! Uh. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Well, I even brought
a rare Callas. Proch Variations!

Featuring two high F's!

You can put your coats in my bedroom.

- MIKE: You sure?
- Up the stairs

- and off to the left, yeah.
- MIKE: Okay.

- Thank you. So sorry.
- KATE: Thank you.

Oh. Door's just open?

I guess the butler has the night off.

Okay, you said you'd give them a chance.

I'm here, aren't I?

(INHALES) Hey, Mister L! (CHUCKLES)

We don't shake hands in this house!

NICK: Oh, okay.

SHAN: Mm. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Nick, right?

Sorry we're late. Delay on the two.

Uh. Love your coat. Where is it from?

Um. Men's Wearhouse.

Oh, and you brought wine,
how thoughtful.

- (CHUCKLES)
- The store recommended it.

Skin contact, I think.

Never seen this before. Seems
fancy. (LAUGHS)

Well, I mean it is a special occasion,

our families finally meeting. (LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES) Come on in.
- (CHUCKLES, SQUEAKS)

♪ ("SOMETHING WE'LL REMEMBER" FADES) ♪

This is more boring
than a Wes Anderson movie.

And you reading all of Rimbaud
was bad enough.

Maybe I should go.

No, no, no. You just...
You just need to get

into the spirit of the build-up.

(SIGHS)

I mean, the foreplay makes
the field play so much better.

(INHALES) And I wanna be here

the whole damn night.

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(SMOOCHES, EXHALES)

(SMACKS LIPS) Uh. No. What...
Uh. One kiss per item.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(INHALES) Iris, uh, welcome to our...

Humble home.

Mr. Wolfe, nice to meet you.

Is this a, uh, shoes-off household?

It is... n't.

- Thank G-O-D.
- (GIDEON CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Someone's disgusting
bare feet on your flooring

has never made sense to me.

This is nice.
Might as well be on the park.

But, of course, it isn't.

(SCOFFS) Not a fan
of the wallpaper. (INHALES)

Mrs. Lefferts,
would you like a cocktail?

And you have staff! How wonderful.

Oh! Yes, please.

Dearie, gin,
neat and only Navy Strength.

- You didn't have to cut your hair.
- ♪ (GENTLE MUSIC FADES) ♪

(WHISPERS) It's a wig
from when Annette Bening

made everyone come as her to her th.

♪ ("SUMMER IN NEW YORK"
BY SOFI TUKKER PLAYS) ♪

MONET: Jules! (EXHALES)
You missed the sunset photo.

Oh, that's okay. I'll just get
them to Photoshop me in.

Hunter! I didn't know
you were going to be doing

this piece, it's so great to see you!

You look amazing. Who are you wearing?

Theophilio.

Um, I'm Monet, and Dolce. Vintage.

I'll make that note.

Are you ready to be seated?

The first course is about to begin.

Oh, yes. I am so excited to try
their flute course,

- I can't contain myself.
- Um. My paper was informed

that this was to be a vegan meal.

Vegan? No one here is vegan.

I'm sorry. It's already prepared.

- Follow me.
- Did you know

that meat production
is one of the biggest

- causes of climate change?
- No, I...

definitely do not care.

Even just going vegan for lunch
can do so much.

You know, perhaps it's all these lights,

but suddenly the room feels
full of hot air.

I need food before I faint,
even if it's a vegetable, okay?

- (GRUNTS)
- MONET: Come on.

♪ ("SUMMER IN NEW YORK"
BY SOFI TUKKER FADES) ♪

This is a parents' night?

Donor dinner.
I saw a note in Burton's cal.

- Well... (GRUNTS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Don't get all "you" about this

when we've cracked the inner circle.

I guess a dinner is better
than crouching in a closet.

And a hell of a lot nicer.

- What are you doing?
- It's FAO Schwarz

for rich spinsters.

This hand-painted wallpaper,
it's a thousand dollars a panel.

And this townhouse,
it's bought and paid for,

I checked. Seven mil.

I... (GRUNTS) She probably makes, what?

No more than a couple hundred
grand a year, at most?

We know she's on the take.
Now, we just have to note down

everyone who shows up to pay.

(BREATHES DEEPLY, SMOOCHES)
I think I need a... (INHALES)

I think I need a moment to catch
my breath.

You boy, do something
in the meantime I might like?

I'm... very gay.

VALERIA:
Then you should be better at it.

Enough stalling.

Either I'm sliding in you
or into GG's DMs

telling her you've gone ace.

What'll it be?

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

AUDREY: We'll just be one minute.

GRACE: Okay, we'll wait here.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC FADES) ♪

GIDEON: Yeah, we could probably...

- (ROY LAUGHING)
- AKI: What?

Mr. Sachs? What are you doing here?

Uh. Max isn't home.

Of course he isn't. Gideon, is that you?

(INHALES) Oh, she's joking
because it's just been so long

- since we've...
- Who is this random child?

These are our son's friends.

- I didn't know you had a son.
- Uh. Yes, we do and, uh,

he's at Andover. He's a...
he's top of his class,

he... he even rows crew.

Well, I'm... I'm pretty sure
he's upstairs, not at Andover.

Oh, he means home for the weekend,

but he's out, Mr. Menzies,

- I promise you.
- Menzies. As in Roger Menzies?

He's my dad.

It is a pleasure to meet you!
Come and sit down.

Your father and my late husband
were once in business together

at the National Review!

Uh. Th... this is not at all
what I expected,

- and I'm so glad!
- ROY: Ah! (LAUGHS)

You don't need to stay.

♪ ("BUMMER DAYS" BY LIZA ANNE PLAYS) ♪

It's going to take more than
maitake to ruin this for her.

- WAITER: Your first course.
- Don't worry, I've got this.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, for a candid conversation
with our guests of honors

and the topics of interest
that they provided.

Be warned. I give great banter.
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Ms. De Haan, what are your thoughts
on Ukraine joining NATO?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Uh, there must be some mistake.
Um, the topics that I requested

were pop culture, celebrities,
"Why would you wear that?"

- (EXHALES)
- (LAUGHS)

These are the topics my team received.

It says here that you
also wanted to discuss

"De Haan Pharmaceuticals'
controversial decision

to hike prices for their

patent-protected
Alzheimer's medication"?

- No, I... that's um... I...
- Monet is very passionate

about making medication
accessible for all.

Remember, Monet? Freshman year,
she sold samples to any student

who wanted them for half price.

(CLEARS THROAT) Julien's kidding.

(LAUGHS)

Um. Why don't you ask her one of hers?

Julien, what are your thoughts
on life after cancellation?

- Ooh, cancellation.
- Um.

I think of it as a questioning,
not canceling.

Who are we
when we're at our lowest point

and what do we do with the wisdom
that we gain from being there?

- Maybe...
- Uh, my turn, my turn.

Apparently, you have a “hot take”

to share on Israel building
settlements in Palestine's Area C?

- ♪ I think I make myself sad ♪
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(ALL LAUGH)

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

- (CHUCKLES, LAUGHS)
- (SHAN CHUCKLES)

(GARRETT LAUGHING)

Maybe Zoya will treat us to piano later?

She has quite the gift.

Piano? She took lessons
when she was younger.

But... I didn't know you still played.

(CHUCKLES) She's like Alicia
Keys! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) She's also a master
at Dutch Blitz.

- And she's a k*ller at Uno.
- Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I am.

All these things I'm learning
about my daughter.

I guess I should come here
more often. (SLURPS)

(CHUCKLES)

- (GWEN CLEARS THROAT)
- So, the... Employment law.

It... must keep you
pretty busy these days?

It pays the bills.

Dad, actually,
just recently got a promotion.

And not only was he able
to keep the apartment,

but he can now do some very much needed

- renovations around the house.
- (LAUGHS)

It's nothing, it's nothing,
just touch-ups.

Uh, we've been wanting to do
some renos ourselves.

But we don't have the budget
for the scope of what we want.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I guess we're stuck for now.

- (LAUGHS)
- (GWEN CHUCKLING)

Worse places to be stuck.

Of course. We're very lucky.

(SIGHS)

Where are the real glasses?

Yeah, does anybody wants
some more ranch?

I'll get it. (LAUGHS)

(MUNCHES)

(BREATHES DEEPLY) I need a break.

(SMOOCHES)

(EXHALES) Come on.
Is this edging or evading?

VICTOR: He clearly
doesn't wanna do this.

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- VICTOR: Max,

- what's it gonna be?
- What? No! No, no, no. Uh. I...

I am stalling because I may
or may not have ordered us...

some molly!

Well, where the f*ck is she then?

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Young lady, it's not polite
to have your phone at dinner.

But A... Audrey knows

we're a no-phones-at-the-table
household.

We're very traditional that way.

Traditions are like clichés,

they exist because there's proven value

- to them. Don't you agree?
- Oh. (CHUCKLES) Yes.

(DOORBELL DINGING)

That must be Max.
Down from Massachusetts.

(INHALES) Uh. Roy, tell Iris
your inspired idea

about adding terraced
flower beds in the park.

Uh. Right, right. Well,
I would start with azaleas.

Azaleas!

And then throw them... right out.

I'm just listing the things
I don't like first.

GIDEON: What are you two doing here?

We're just waiting for Aki
and Audrey. Um...

- Why are you dressed like that?
- Gracie, is that you?

Ms. Lefferts, how are you?

How's the DAR?
Gran says you're headed down

- to Baltimore next week.
- (CHUCKLES) Young lady,

you may not respect me,
but I sincerely hope

you respect our gracious hosts
and their rules!

You know what? I'll see if Rocky, uh,
can get us some more setups.

Everybody, uh, please come in
and take a seat.

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪

(DOOR CLOSING)

That's the Newhouses.
God, who isn't at this party?

What... what are you looking for?

Payments, but seems like
it's just gifts.

(INHALES) You can't really prove
anything that way.

Or...

Oh, just a, uh,
stack of old love letters.

These are from Leonard Cohen
to Marianne Ihlen!

They were auctioned off for grand!

HEADMISTRESS BURTON: Is someone in here?

Headmistress! This, uh,
is exactly what you think!

That's right. We are dating.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

No, we're not.

- It was a cover.
- Well, we don't need a cover!

We know about the bribes, Vivian.

KATE: Yeah, we know that Camille de Haan

has been paying you
to improve Monet's grades.

And that everyone else here
is doing it too.

Oh, my God! Is she going to k*ll us?

Well, thank God.
My secret's finally out.

Excuse me?

(SIGHS) Anyone for a refill?

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I thought you never tried skin contact.

Uh. Yeah. This was just laying around,

it was a gift, I think.

Yeah.

A gift with a price still on it.

- (GARRETT SIGHS)
- Is something wrong, Nick?

(SCOFFS) You know, Zoya said you

canceled dinner at Blue Hill for this.

So, just a little surprised
about the paper plates

with the wings and the pizza,

especially when you have
your china right there. (SIGHS)

I thought I raised you
to not surround yourself

with anyone who thought less of you.

SHAN: This is all my fault.

If we offended you, we are sorry,

but we definitely do not think
less of you.

Maybe you don't realize it,
but you definitely do.

Hey, what the hell are you saying?

- Babe...
- No, we've only ever tried

to be supportive of your daughter.

She doesn't need your support.
She has mine.

Or had, before she started coming here.

Dad! What is wrong with you?

I know you're behind this.

If by “this” you mean you,
looking amazing,

and coming off great, then yeah, I am,
a hundred percent!

Okay, well, there's something
that you didn't know about,

so you couldn't screw it up.
And this thing is all

but going to get us on the cover.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I got Solange to give us
an intimate concert

over dessert. She's right over there
behind that screen.

(JULIEN SCOFFS)

MONET: What?

I'm sorry. Hunter was called away,

and there was some miscommunication

with Solange's manager.
Someone told her the event was off?

MONET: But what about my spread?

I think it's best we regroup
and potentially try again next year?

One second. Um. Excuse me,
maybe there's something

that we can do, um...

I knew there was still a queen in there.

And when word of what you did hits,
the world will know it's you.

This wasn't for the world.
This was for Monet,

to check her power trip.
And she can't pin it on me.

Okay, but I don't... I mean...

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.
Looks like when it came

to Queen D's big moment,

JC couldn't stand
to be just a spectator.

She decided to write her own headline.

And it was only one word, sabotage.

What the hell?

- ♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪
- ♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

IRIS LEFFERTS: Aren't you just so glad

we've lived long enough to see the
Supreme Court come to its senses?

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

- You can't use your phone.
- You can't use your phone.

Um. Iris, uh,
I'd really like to reintroduce

native species to the park.
You know, maybe in an element

that's, uh, viewable from the street.

The public is on us
about more accessibility.

Well, I think we can all agree
that... (SIGHS) ...the city park

should be accessible to everyone.

Well, maybe not everyone.

I appreciate understated elegance.

Things that are not flashy
or attention-seeking.

A simple privet hedge, clean lines.

- Sure.
- IRIS: Yes,

and none of the namby-pamby softness

that one sees everywhere these days.

You know, I worried
that I would see it here

- but thankfully, I do not.
- (DOORBELL DINGING)

- I'll get it.
- No, let me. Please.

KIKI HOPE: Hello. I'm letting myself in.

(DOOR OPENS)

KIKI: And I think
there's somebody here for Max.

Oh, my gosh! I can't wait to see
these gowns on... you.

- Mom?
- MAX: Yeah, I'm coming,

I'm coming.

(MOUTHING)

(DILDO CLATTERING)

Knocked over my clogs, so clunky.

Oh, don't tell me
that you took them off.

Iris, this is my dearest friend Kiki

and she is a designer

and she's brought some
of her latest creations.

- Yes.
- Um, which have been inspired

- by...
- Uh. The... The park.

- The park.
- I love the park.

That's actually who I was texting,

I felt I wasn't properly dressed
for your company.

Where's Max?

DRUG DEALER: Are
the goods for this party?

- AUDREY: Oh, God.
- OBIE: Oh, oh, my...

Uh. Oh, you must be from Instacart

with the baking powder for Rocky.

Do you think I'm a rube?

It's obviously confectioners' sugar!

Enough of this time wasting.
Let me have molly and let's go!

You didn't tell me it was an orgy.

Of delights.

Where are your clothes,
young lady? (CHUCKLES)

Here, they're just right here.
'Cause I was bringing them

to her and her name is...

- Valeria!
- ...Va... Valeria.

Valeria! I've seen you at the ballet.

- Yeah, that's right.
- You are terrible.

- VICTOR: Valeria!
- REX: Let's go.

- (FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)
- We know when we're not wanted.

Speak for yourself,
this is a first for me.

No, no, no, no.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Please.

IRIS: Why is everyone undressed?

ROY: Uh. Y... Rowing team on the crew.

They... They're working out
in our home gym.

This is what I was talking about.

I thought your dads were divorced.

Divorced?

Dinner is served.

- f*ck!
- ♪ (JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪

I don't expect you to understand...

but I felt like I had no choice.

They kept plying me with these things

and they made it very clear
that if I said no,

I would be removed.

So, I said yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

And spent my life
in a constant state of fear...

(INHALES DEEPLY)
...that I would be found out...

as I just was.

But Jesus.

(SOBS) What a relief.

A relief... (SOBS)

This is not my home...

it's a gilded cage. (SOBS, SNIFFLES)

Report me.

Please.

I knew we shouldn't have come here.

Okay, why did you treat them like that?

Treat them?
Were we even at the same table?

Dad, they were just trying to be nice.

Playing poor isn't nice.
It's patronizing.

I was hoping to find out
why you've been lying to me,

but all I saw is what they think of us

and now, I understand it
even less. Where's your coat?

I'm not coming with you.

- I'm staying.
- No, you're not.

- Z!
- Everything okay?

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- (SNIFFLES)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Mone, I'm sure you're upset
with me. I get it.

But look, you just went too far.

I can't let you destroy the school.

I'm sorry.

Ew. What are you doing?

You're not supposed to apologize.

Excuse me?

You're supposed to fight back.
That was the plan.

And you did it.

The plan?

I put everything into place
so that you would come for me,

and you played into it perfectly.

While Pippa and Bianca
caught it on camera.

This was a setup?

I told you that I'd find a way
to start the w*r.

What better way than leaning
into the antiquated fetish

of pitting two women against each other?

I can't be Blair
without a Serena. (CHUCKLES)

f*ck the spread,
we're gonna make the cover.

- Push me in.
- I don't want a cover!

I want you to stop making
other people's lives miserable.

This isn't about other people.

- This is about you losing to me...
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)

...and not being able to stomach it.

So, you schemed and manipulated
to get your way.

You're doing exactly what I'm doing.

Hmm. I should know,
I learned it from you.

You're right. I'm a hypocrite.

But not anymore. I'm not doing this.

But what are you doing?
You can't walk away.

- (SCREAMS)
- (GASPS)

Did you see that? Julien pushed Monet!

(GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY)

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Finally, we can start our party...

Please. Roy is so passionate
about this opportunity.

And he just... He wanted to make
the right impression.

I've gotten the right impression.

I don't stand for being tricked.
(INHALES DEEPLY)

And how could I expect respect
from two men who...

don't even value the promise
they made to one another?

- (IRIS CLEARS THROAT)
- Hmm, okay.

Uh. Well, with all due respect,

uh, my dads, married or not, are a model

of a supportive relationship.
My dad cares so much

about my pops that he was willing

to sacrifice his comfort...
(INHALES DEEPLY)

...to appeal to someone like you.

That was the true deception tonight.

And you are an expert at, uh,

- some kind of healthy relationship?
- (CHUCKLES)

Max is an amazing boyfriend

who's willing to sacrifice
his own comfort

for the people he cares about, too.

Oh! I... I'm confused,
whose... whose boyfriend is he?

- He's mine.
- And mine. (EXHALES) Both of us.

(SCOFFS)
The moral decline in this house.

You know, the only moral decline
in this house is yours.

You know, I don't want
to have anything to do

with, um, "your park,"
if it means dealing

with small-minded bigots like you, Iris.

- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
- ROY: And regardless

of what you think,
this is a sex-positive,

gender-fluid, flashy as f*ck home.

(CHUCKLES)

And I won't let it be anything
less than that ever again.

Good night, Iris.

(KATE GRUNTS)

- Well... that was bleak.
- (EXHALES)

Or a success. You got
all the evidence you need.

Are you going to send
the recording to the board?

Or, uh, if you want
to keep your hands clean,

- Gossip Girl?
- She's miserable.

And it isn't even her fault.
We'd just get her fired

for some replacement to come in,
do the same? Maybe worse?

I don't want that small victory.
I don't think you do either.

(ZOYA LOTT SNIFFLES)

♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

You don't have to do that, sweetheart.

No. It's the least I can do
after the show my dad just put on.

God, I mean, you open your home to him

and he just does nothing but judge you.

I... I'm so sorry.

(INHALES) Your dad is hurt.
I mean, it's one thing to lie

about leaving a party
that you're supposed

to be at, but to lie...
(INHALES) ...to spend time

with another family?

The type of family that he wasn't able

to provide you?

And Garrett and I, we...

we really wanted to make
a good impression,

but your dad wasn't wrong.

We chose to present ourselves in a way

that we thought would make him
more comfortable,

instead of being ourselves.

We pushed him away.

Don't do the same.

I, uh, I'm sorry about all that.

No, it's us who should be sorry.

And I never want you to hide
who you are for someone else.

Especially if those people are us.

I know, there's just...
There's so much uncertainty

about what this is, and maybe people,

or colleges, or who knows

who will be weird about it, but...

But we said all for all
or none for none.

It's time we made good on that.

Do you want to tell GG, or should I?

♪ ("SEE YOU LATER, I'M GONE"
BY ROBERT LESTER FOLSOM PLAYS) ♪

Well... (SIGHS)

I knew you three were experimenting,

but I... (INHALES)

...I didn't expect a relationship.

How does it work?

Have you ever seen Bertolucci's
The Dreamers?

- (LAUGHS)
- AUDREY: Oh, no, babe!

- That does not help.
- (CHUCKLES)

Maybe we should talk
about this on our way home.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Let's go.

Okay.

♪ And now you know the thoughts I own ♪

♪ They're all that keep me
Feelin' fine ♪

♪ But every longing's for... ♪

ROY: Something I've been wanting
to do all night.

♪ And it's my home That's on my... ♪

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) There.

- (SNIFFLES)
- Yeah, that's...

- That's much better. (CHUCKLES)
- (BREATHES DEEPLY)

I'm sorry about the park.

Oh, I don't care about that park.

I should never have asked you
to do this.

It's okay. It was one night.

No, no, it wasn't. I've been asking you

to dim your light for a long time.

(INHALES) And you...
(EXHALES) ...Gideon Wolfe,

are meant to shine at full wattage.

I should never have asked for it
to be any other way. Hey!

(SMOOCHES)

I'm sorry.

Wait.

(BREATHES DEEPLY, SMOOCHES)

♪ Summer's smile has left me sad ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ Though it's here it's not for me ♪

(CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING)

♪ But if it was would I be glad ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Control is an illusion.

♪ If it was but I believe ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Although it might feel like

we have the power to effect change...

♪ Chase the wind as seagulls fly ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ To where the greener trees
Have grown ♪

I'm really sorry that you had
to witness all that last night.

Stop apologizing. I don't think
you understand how important

that dinner was for me to be a part of.

For you, they may be messy, but for me,

I saw what I've always wanted.

What's that?

Openness.

Your friends just lay everything out

on the table, no matter how complicated.

My family... (EXHALES) ...we stay quiet.

We don't go anywhere uncomfortable.

Your friends care
so much about each other.

About you. You can't just...
leave that behind

because it's messy.

Embrace the mess, Obie,
because you're messy too.

GOSSIP GIRL: The truth is,
what we really need

is a guiding hand.

Looks like it's official.

If you can't b*at 'em, join 'em.

Fine. I'll b*at you next time.

GOSSIP GIRL: A strong,
supportive hand to hold

as you march off into w*r.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ See you later, I'm gone ♪

♪ ("SEE YOU LATER, I'M GONE"
BY ROBERT LESTER FOLSOM FADES) ♪

What's going on?

Burton's been suspended
until further notice.

They launched an investigation
after the Gossip Girl post.

It's you.

You sent the post to Gossip Girl.

Why? We decided against it.

Burton's a hydra, you cut off one head

- and two more will appear.
- This isn't Greek mythology.

It's w*r.
Every w*r has collateral damage

and Burton has to be ours.

GOSSIP GIRL: But w*r is never pretty.

- And it's time to pick a side...
- (MIKE SIGHS)

Before any of you say anything,
I did not push Monet

in the fountain. What is it?

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Oh, my God.

Did she really convince everyone
to follow her dress code?

MONET: What did I say?
Only whispers in this hall.

Anything above decibels
and you're out.

AUDREY: Is she serious? We can't let her

- get away with this.
- LUNA: I'd push her in the fountain.

- Or down the stairs.
- AKI: You unleashed a monster.

LUNA: She's got too much power now.

MAX WOLFE: She won't stop
unless you stop her.

LUNA: You need to do something,
Jules. It's time.

GOSSIP GIRL: Because this w*r
has only just begun.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC FADES) ♪