03x08 - Call Me Fancy Puffenstuff

[bunniefuu]

Okay, y'all, Randi asked me to make

a Thanksgiving-themed smoothie.

I was thinking something
with pumpkin spice.

It costs the same, but
we get to charge bucks.

Ooh, I am so thankful for bougie fools.

And the reason I didn't
use pumpkin spice is

that I don't wear yoga pants
and I'm not a basic bitch.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh. Aw, hell no.

That goes down like something
that already came back up.

It's Mama's green bean casserole.

It's got cream of
mushroom soup and almonds.

Dang, I forgot the fried onions.

- Let me try it with a little vodka.
- Mm.

Much better.

Hi, everybody.

What the hell are you two wearing?

Oh, just a little matching
Thanksgiving hilarity.

- "She's my sweet potato."
- "I yam."

Okay, this is whiter than
the first Thanksgiving.

So, what are you all
doing for Turkey Day?

Same thing I always do,
feed the desperate and needy.

But hopefully Katharine
has other plans this year.

(LAUGHS): She's kidding.

She's never invited me for Thanksgiving.

Well, CJ is spending it with his mom,

so Randi's gonna cook for me all day.

(SCOFFS) Randi better be
the name of your DoorDasher.

I'm camping out all day to get
a good spot on Black Friday.

- You getting a new TV?
- Nah, I'm not buying anything.

Just there for the fights.

How about you, Phil?

Are you taking Jalen
home to meet your family?

Oh, no, no, no. We just
started seeing each other.

Plus, the Crumpler family
Thanksgiving can get

a little rowdy.

Last year's pig wrestle
sent two cousins to the ER.

Well, since everyone's available,

we should do a Friendsgiving.

(OVERLAPPING AGREEMENTS)

- I'm happy to host.
- (OTHERS GROAN)

What?

Kat... how can I say this?

Your parties suck.

And that's nicer than the
way I was gonna put it.

My parties are fun.
Max, back me up here.

Ain't no party like a Kat Silver party

'cause a Kat Silver party's
got nonalcoholic punch.

We were scrapbooking.

You can't have a bunch of drunk people

wielding scissors all willy-nilly.

- This party's gonna be different.
- Are you sure?

I yam!

- (OTHERS GROANING)
- Up top? No?

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Why isn't Katharine letting us in?

Maybe the cats finally got her.

I need to eat soon.

- Phil is starting to look like a cartoon drumstick.
- Ha!

A drumstick wishes it was this juicy.

Carter has a Thanksgiving protocol.

He doesn't eat for hours,

- and then he shows up in maternity pants.
- That's right.

Tonight, I'm getting
knocked up with a food baby.

Do we have any idea
what Kat has planned?

Last night, she was writing
things on index cards

and giggling, so I'm thinking
Thanksgiving Mad Libs.

(ALL GROANING)

Kat's parties are so adjective,

I'm gonna go verb myself
with a loaded noun.

Good evening, everyone.

I hope you're ready for
a night of glamorous fun.

It's gonna be hotsy-totsy,
and that's no applesauce.

You've got to be adverb kidding me.

Why are you dressed like that?

You'll learn. I stopped
asking years ago.

Why, I'm Kitty Vanderhuff,

America's wealthiest cat food tycoon.

Our kibble is the cat's pajamas.

We also make cat's pajamas.

Now, if all you chippies
and cake-eaters are ready

for a real humdinger,

let's fly on up to the cuckoo's nest.

- Let's go upstairs.
- You hear that, baby?

Mama's gonna eat.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

- Ooh!
- Oh, man.

We're going back to
the s. I love it.

Although that means us confirmed
bachelors can't kiss in public.

Oh, who cares, there's
cocaine in the soda pop.

s? Hold up.

If Randi and I got
to eat in the kitchen,

- I'm calling Al Sharpton.
- (KAT LAUGHS)

No, all are welcome at
Kitty Vanderhuff's table.

And to prove that I throw fun parties,

I've come up with a
theme for this evening,

and the theme is... (GASPS) m*rder.

(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

Wow, honey, a m*rder
mystery Thanksgiving.

Yay.

All right, let's meet the victim.

If you please. Earlier today,

Tom Turkey was found decapitated,

plucked, and stuffed,

and one of you in this very room is...

the m*rder*r.

(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

You sure it didn't die of boredom

from one of your parties?

We're not eating for a while, are we?

KAT: Not true.

Alexa, how long does it take
to cook a -pound turkey?

ALEXA: It is recommended
to cook a -pound turkey

for four hours and minutes
at degrees Fahrenheit.

Four hours and minutes?!

Alexa, how long before
a human starves to death?

ALEXA: Approximately days.

This is horrible.

Till we eat, I'm just a
man in maternity pants.

Now, inside of these bags,

you'll find your character backstory,

props and an alibi for...

the m*rder.

(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

Give me that, or there's
gonna be another m*rder.

No big deal, because I have...

- a backup.
- (DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

Who knew I'd miss Mad Libs?

All right, Randi, tell 'em who you are.

Okay, uh, well, it says here

- that I am... Oh.
- She's my daughter! She's my daughter.

We've always best friends,

but since blooming into
womanhood, she's more interested

in the attention of gentleman callers.

Yeah, you're right, we
should've gotten high.

Cool, I'm Mayor McCheese.

Oh, it's Mayor McChase. Sorry. Typo.

Don't be sorry, Mayor McCheese
commends Ms. Vanderhuff

on this fine celebration.

Shamrock Shakes for everyone!

I'm a world-class jockey

and three-time Kentucky Derby Champion.

I get it, I'm short.

I was a preeminent surgeon in the Army,

who saw things during the
Great w*r that changed me.

- And what else?
- I have a crush on Kitty.

Darn tootin', you do.

Max, who are you?

Uh, a brilliant college professor.

I won the Nobel Prize for
my work in thermochemistry.

Great, I'm the nerd.

Really, Katharine? I'm your maid?

(CHUCKLES) Tut-tut.

I rescued you off the street

when you got too old to be a prost*tute.

This is the first costume I've ever worn

that my father would approve of.

I'll be right back.

He is such a delight.

If he were straight
and years younger,

he'd be perfect for me.

He's sweet, he's smart.

He makes me feel like I'm
the only person in the room.

Look at me, falling for
him at the speed of lesbian.

(LAUGHING)

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Unlikely friends, secret allies,

perhaps partners in... m*rder?

(FART NOISE)

Okay, who messed with my button?

Hmm, looks like another mystery.

This is the worst party ever,

and I've been to an adult bris.

You know what?

You're a worse maid than
you were a prost*tute,

and you were an awful prost*tute.

Al Capone called, he
wants his penny back.

If you keep looking at your
phone, Kat's gonna kick you out.

Actually, that's a
good idea. Give me that.

(GROANS) I sent this record
label my demo over a week ago.

I just really need some good news.

The phonograph is a fad,
it'll never catch on.

Now, put away that cell blower,
or it's skidoo for you.

Well, I was looking at it, too,
if you want me to Scooby-Doo.

This label is perfect for me.

They only have a few artists.

Although one of them is
Kenny Chesney... 's cousin.

Max, can you just put
that away for a few hours

and be part of this party?

I can, I just don't want to.

What is wrong with you people?!

It's like you're not
even trying to have fun.

You know, when I bought these
decorations at Party City,

the cashier said, "Wow, I'm so jealous.

Y'all are gonna have a good time."

Well, you know what, Donna?
I'm the jealous one now.

I wish it were me driving

all the unsold Halloween
crap to the dump.

I'm trying. I checked
every side dish for clues.

The real mystery is who
stole all the flavor?

All right, guys, Kat
worked really hard on this.

So let's show her how much we
appreciate it by having some fun.

Thank you.

By making it a drinking game!

(CHEERING)

No. No, no.

We don't need drinking to make it fun.

I mean, it's already a
logical deduction game.

How about every time Katharine
bosses us around, we drink?

No, no, we are not doing that.

She bossed us. Drink!

(CHEERING)

- (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
- No snacking.

Here you go. Since it's Prohibition,

I had to get the booze from
a couple of shady bootleggers.

They tried to give me the "rum-around."

Dear God, only you could ruin alcohol.

So, how do we wrap this game up?

Oh, we've hardly scratched
the surface of the fun.

First you gather clues,

then after many hours of
sifting through evidence,

you make an accusation.

It was Carter. Game
over. Let's frigging eat.

Excuse me? I didn't do it.

And I'm the mayor, so you may
refer to me as "Your Highness."

Okay, new rule, anyone who makes
a wrong accusation has to drink.

I accuse the groundskeeper.

There is no groundskeeper.

Oh, I know.

- It was the maid.
- (OTHERS GASP)

Tom Turkey knew she was spit shining

more than the jockey's shoes.

(GASPS) You treacherous bitch.

Seriously, me and the maid?

I don't mind being straight,
but really, the help?

I'll tell you who I think it was...

our host, Fancy Puffenstuff.

- (OTHERS GASPS)
- Oh, it's true.

Look at those ham hands.

She could strangle a buffalo.

Why, I would never hurt Tom Turkey.

He was my... Randi,
get the button ready.

Nope.

Fine. He was my...

- father. "Dun, dun... "
- (FART NOISE)

All right. Who has the button?

Yeah, it was definitely the button.

You don't know what
it's like to be mayor.

All those citizens,

all those potholes,

having to carry around that
big-ass key to the city.

Well, you don't know what
it's like being Kat's daughter.

I know it's pretend, but
the embarrassment is real.

(ICE RATTLING)

So, Professor, as a
colleague of Edison's,

I'm curious what you
think of Nikola Tesla.

Oh, that dude's awesome.

Great cars, even better cough drops.

♪ Ni-ko-la! ♪

(LAUGHING)

This is the best Thanksgiving

since Katharine's father
and I went to Honolulu.

We swam with the dolphins and
had sex on the USS Arizona.

I've never been, but I sure
watched a lot of Magnum, P.I.

The mystery was, "Am I
gay?" And he solved it.

Oh, Hawaii with you would be magical.

We could boink at all the w*r memorials.

KAT: Hey, y'all, come on in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

dames and daddies, get your wiggle on.

The moment has arrived.
Dinner is... Whoa.

- Oh.
- (OTHERS GASP)

(HIGH-PITCHED): Ah! My baby!

Screw it! I'm going in!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Save some for me.

I'm the runt of the litter.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

MAX: Phil! That is my foot!

This is the best Thanksgiving ever!

That was the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Oh, good, hey, you're up.

Who wants a breakfast margarita?

How are you not hungover?

You can't get hungover if
you don't stop drinking.

- (WHIRRING)
- (OTHERS GROAN)

Dude! It is Black Friday.

I will whoop your ass at a discount.

Well, you know what they
say, it's noon somewhere.

I'll take one.

That's a hell of a
mattress you got in there.

Is that where you slept, baby?

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Where's Jalen?

Well, he left after you
told him you loved him.

What?!

I was as surprised as he was.

How about you make
me one for a grown-up?

I told him I loved him?

What did he say?

He said, "You're pretty
drunk, please stop crying."

Oh.

- (BUZZES)
- Oh, my God.

The record label loved my demo

and would like to meet
me in Nashville tomorrow.

Whoa, that's amazing!

You're gonna meet Biff Chesney.

(CHEERING)

Okay, okay, everybody be happy quieter.

This is a perfect end
to what many are calling

a flawless m*rder mystery Thanksgiving.

Well, you know, we never found
out who m*rder*d Tom Turkey.

Oh, we all did,

with our apathy toward factory farming.

- (BOOING)
- God.

That's stupid.

All my parties end
with a teachable moment.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up.

I need some relationship advice.

On it, what's up?

Oh, I meant Randi, Carter.

Any of these people.

Phil, if you haven't heard from Jalen,

you need to text him.

But what would I say?

Is it time to send a tasteful nude?

- Fixes everything.
- No.

- KAT: Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Hey, Phil, can I get a coffee?

I didn't expect you back so early.

How was your meeting?

I decided to skip the meeting.

You skipped it?

Yeah, the label's too small for me.

I-I need a place with a bigger reach.

Well, big things come from
small things all the time.

If you need proof, I can send
you one of my tasteful nudes.

Uh, I'm sorry, I'm just confused.

Yesterday you were
so excited about this.

And today I changed my mind.

- But I don't...
- Just let it go.

Wait... Max, hang on.

- What's Max's problem?
- Oh, who cares?

Now, should I send this text to Jalen?

"Hey, just checking in. How's it going?

Are you breaking up with
me? Please don't. I love you.

This is Phil."

- Perfect. Send it.
- No!

My phone.

What's going on?

The truth is I overslept. My
stupid alarm didn't go off.

Oh, well, you can always ask me.

I'll be your wakeup call.

I can even do one of my accents.

(IN ACCENT): Crikey,
mate, it's time to get up.

You've got things to didgeridoo.

I'm not in the mood,
Kat. It's not a great day.

Okay. Well, just reschedule.

I tried. They were jerks about it.

Really?

You know what?

It's their loss.

You're gonna find some place better.

Thanks.

Have you been drinking?

I stopped off at a bar, had
a couple to take the edge off.

Uh, it's not even : .

I mean, who are you, one
of the Real Housewives?

What are you saying, I drink too much?

Um, you tell me.

Were you drunk last night
and that's why you overslept?

Kat, will you give me a break?

I'm just trying to figure
out what's going on here.

I said that my alarm didn't go off!

I didn't realize that
you were monitoring

how much I was drinking.

And who didn't have to get hammered

to get through your dumbass party?

Max...

Okay, he's way out of line.

That party was on the chain.

Or off the chain.

Whichever one is cool,
my party was that.

Kat, everyone drinks
too much at the holidays.

That's what family does to people.

I know, but this feels different to me.

Max was so excited about this meeting,

and then he missed it
because he drank too much.

I mean, you're his roommate,
have you noticed anything?

Well, only when it's Tequila Tuesday.

Or Whiskey Wednesday.
Or Thirsty Thursday.

Wait, damn, do I have
a drinking problem?

Max doesn't have a
problem with drinking.

He has a problem paying his tab.

I mean, once he settles up,
my kid can finally get braces.

(KNOCKING)

Oh, no, it's Jalen.

(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

It's the best three
bucks I've ever spent.

Oh, God. He's here to break up with me.

He's gonna do it in person.

That is so classy,

I love him even more.

- Well, be strong.
- Be confident.

Cry early and often.

Hey, you. See you later, guys.

I love you, Kat. I love you,
Randi. I love you, Carter.

Something I say to everyone,
doesn't mean anything.

It meant something to somebody.

Don't know if you got my text.

It was nothing special, just,

"What's up?" (CHUCKLES)

Not "wassup... "

You remember that years ago?

Oh, boy, that was funny.

Anyway, nice talk. Kiss?

I-I did get your text,
and sorry I didn't respond.

But what I have to say
should be said in person.

No.

You cannot break up with
me if you can't catch me.

N-No, no. Oh, Phil.

Sit down, Phil.

I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh, thank God.

I haven't run in over years.

Look, I'm not gonna lie,

when you said you loved me,
it kind of freaked me out.

So...

I spent the last couple
days thinking about...

why.

Well, I know why I said it.

You're kind, you're thoughtful.

You've got a butt tight
as airport security.

Since we met, it's
been super obvious to me

that I'm falling for you.

Oh.

Then you went and said that and I...

I don't want to ruin this by rushing it.

Well, I don't want to ruin it, either.

I want to make sure we do this right.

You're the first boyfriend I've ever had

where I really see a future.

Boyfriend?

I ate turkey off the floor
with you and your weird friends.

You think I'd do that for
anyone less than a boyfriend?

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)

Hmm. I got a boyfriend.

(GIGGLING)

And my friends are cool.

The only weird one is Kat.

Ay, ay, ay.

Y'all want to come up for
some Thanksgiving leftovers?

I'm in. How about you, food baby?

(SCOFFS) Back up,
ladies, he is all mine.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh.

Hey, Max.

Yeah, I'm glad you called.

Uh, listen, about earlier...

What?

What's going on?

He got arrested for public intoxication.

(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)

Seriously?

Oh, so now you don't like the button?

All right, I'm-a just
come out and say it.

I think peeing on a cop car is funny.

You, sir, are an ally.

Why did you bring them?

Do you know how exciting it is

for a Black person to
bail out a white dude?

I mean, this is the world
that Dr. King dreamed of.

I'm here because my
boyfriend is a lawyer.

Did you say boyfriend, Phil?

(SINGSONGY): Why, yes, I did.

Max, maybe you want to walk
us through what happened?

Uh, after our fight, I
had a couple of drinks,

and then I was walking home,

because I didn't want to drive drunk,

which I think I deserve credit for.

No.

So, I ducked into a side street to go.

And you went on a police car.

Near a police car.
The wind did the rest.

All right, maybe...

maybe I have been
drinking more than usual.

Yeah, the neighborhood kid who
recycles our cans and bottles

just bought a new bike.

It's just the music stuff
hasn't been going like I wanted,

and I just have too
much free time lately.

My boyfriend says, "Idle hands
are the devil's playground."

That's right, I have a boyfriend.

Maybe a break would be good.

You know, change up my habits.

I think that's smart.

You know what might help?

Paying your bar tab.

I'm sorry that I snapped at you.

Oh. It's okay.

I figured it was the alcohol talking.

Why else would you say
I threw a dumbass party?

Oh, good God, give it a rest.

We didn't eat for six hours.

Jalen thinks you're weird.

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪