09x11 - Cosmonopoly/Hero Hound

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

[Upbeat music]

♪

- [Snoring]

- Timmy!

- [Screams]

- There's a bunch of weirdos

Shuffling around our lawn in the dark.

It's the zombie apocalypse.

Hopefully, they'll feast on dinkelberg's brain

While we barricade ourselves in the zombie shelter.

Which is now your bathroom!

There's no toilet paper in the zombie shelter!

- Dad, those aren't zombies.

They're people here for mom's garage sale.

- That's even worse.

Your mother's gonna sell all my stuff.

Hey, weirdo!

That porcelain unicorn is not for sale!

- I'm going back to sleep.

- She's selling your fish.

- Ahh!

- Thanks for the first, mrs. Turner.

Looks like it's sushi night at the crocker house.

Mother's allergic to raw fish, so it's a win-win.

- Did you hear that, wanda?

We're having sushi tonight.

Timmy never gave us sushi.

- Sorry, mr. Crocker.

Those fish are not for sale.

- In that case, I'm taking this porcelain unicorn.

- Give me back lady cornington, you humpbacked thief!

Tackle!

- [Groaning] ahh, I hate this family!

- Thanks for saving us, sport.

- Good thing I got here in time.

I don't want my mom selling

Anything else that belongs to me.

- Oh, no, your mom's trying to sell

The magical board game I invented.

- You created a game?

- Yeah, cosmonopoly.

A whimsical yet horrifying journey

Through the twisted mind that is me.

- Why would you make a board game?

- Duh, duh! I was bored!

Ooh, the game is turning on.

- I'll never let you go, lady cornington.

I'm gonna wash the dirty crocker off you.

Whoa!

- Cosmo, my dad just disappeared into your game.

Poof him back!

- Timmy, timmy, timmy.

Someone hasn't read the rules of cosmonopoly.

Also, someone hasn't written the rules of cosmonopoly.

- Cosmo, how do we get timmy's dad back?

- We can't.

To get out, your dad's gonna have to play the game

All the way to the end.

- Are you kidding?

My dad can't find his way out of your game.

He can't even find his way out of his car.

- Help!

I can't find my way out!

Oh, no!

The car is eating me!

- Guys, we gotta get my dad out of that game.

- Relax, timmy.

It's not like if we don't

Someone's gonna throw the game in a wood chipper.

[Wood chipper rumbles]

- Listen up!

I can't spend my whole day with you weirdos.

So whatever I don't sell in the next hour

Is going into the wood chipper,

Which is also for sale.

- Oh, no, my dad's gonna get wood chipped.

We need sparky's help.

- Neat wallet.

It looks just like the one I lost ten minutes ago.

How much do you want for it?

- $...$...

$...

$.

- Deal!

It's a dead ringer for my old wallet.

Only without the credit cards.

- Sparky, I need your help.

Whatever you do, don't let my mom

Throw that board game into the wood chipper.

- Sure, timmy.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Seriously, scratch my back.

- No time, sparky!

[All screaming]

Cosmo, where are we?

- It's the game version of my old room in fairy world.

Cosmonopoly is based on a typical boring day

In my life before I met wanda,

Which explains the feeling of emptiness.

- Aww, that's sweet, cosmo.

- No, I just meant the room was empty.

I didn't have much stuff back then.

- Come on, poof us to where my dad is

So we can get out of here.

- In order to move forward,

We have to pick a card or roll the mice.

- Don't you mean "roll the dice"?

- Boy, it's like no one read the rules I didn't write.

Anyone catch the numbers on their backs

Before they scurried off?

- Just pick a card!

- "You got hit on the head with a ceiling tile,

"And you're especially forgetful.

Lose your wands."

- Oh, no!

Cosmo, why would you put that in the game?

- 'Cause the day I made it up

I got hit in the head by a ceiling tile

And forgot where I put my wand.

Ow! Just like that.

- I guess we're gonna have to play this game without magic.

"Advance to the laundromat and wash your underpants"?

- I forgot how much fun this game is.

Ah, the laundromat.

Don't worry, guys.

I know exactly how to get through this part of the game.

Agh! Ow!

I turned my underwear pink,

And now it's turned on us.

Quick, timmy, get the bleach.

Good job, timmy.

Now go pick another card.

- "Your shorts are clean. Advance to playground."

- I love the playground.

Now spin the spinster.

- Don't you mean "spinner"?

- No, spinster, that old unmarried woman over there.

- I'm dizzy.

Will you marry me?

[Screams]

- Did anyone see where she landed?

- No, I won't marry you, bernice.

I already have a wife.

- She landed on my dad.

Come on!

- You're a cutie.

[Screams]

- Hi, timmy.

Ooh, I'm having a weird dream.

I drew a card that said my greatest wish would come true.

And look, lady cornington's alive.

[Laughs]

To the sky, lady cornington!

- Oh, no. What do I do?

- If you wanna advance to the next part of the game,

Just pick a car.

- You mean "card"?

- No, car.

What kind of weird board game do you think this is?

I'd pick the one with the wings

So we can fly over that cliff.

- Come on!

[Engine revs]

Let's catch my dad and get out of this game!

- Not so fast.

First, we have to register this car at the dmv,

The department of magical vehicles.

- Oh, can't we do that later?

- Sorry, wanda, that just doesn't fly.

Sadly, neither does this car if we don't go to the dmv!

[All screaming]

- Welcome to the dmv.

To register your car, you must first pass an eye test.

- The test is a staring contest.

- Sorry, you had and eyelash.

- You passed. Here's your registration.

You car can now fly.

And you can advance to the next blue square, baby.

[Engine revs]

[Rattling]

- Oh, no, that sounds like the wood chipper.

We're running out of time!

- ♪ La-la la la-la-la-la

- All I hear is the voice of an angel.

No, wait, it's not an angel.

I remember now.

I didn't make this board game because I was bored.

I made it 'cause I wanted to remember the day

I met the love of my life.

- [Singing]

Ow!

- Wanda, was that you?

- Yeah, that's how cosmo and I met.

He accidentally ran me over.

- I swept her off her feet and under my bumper.

It was the best day of my life,

Which is why I made a game about it.

- Oh, cosmo, that's so sweet!

- But wait, what happened to your beautiful singing voice?

- Oh, that went south the minute I barreled into her.

She took a headlight right to the windpipe.

[Crashing]

- Ooh, what's going on?

Is it an earthquake?

- No, it's my mom picking up the game.

We're headed for the wood chipper.

- Uh-oh, I gotta unplug the wood chipper.

[Wood chipper stalls]

- Oh, darn.

The wood chipper's on the fritz.

Now no one's gonna buy it.

- Timmy, I bought you some time.

I also chased mr. Crocker up a tree.

- Ugh, I really hate this family!

[Rumbling]

- Hey, dream timmy.

I think your mother's trying to shake me awake.

Let me sleep. It's saturday, you lunatic!

- Dad, get in the car.

- I don't know, timmy.

The last time I got in a car it tried to eat me.

- Come on, jump!

- Timmy, I think your weird green-haired friend

Is driving the flying car into a thunderstorm.

- That's not a thunderstorm. It's the wood chipper!

[All scream]

- Bad dog. Give me the game.

- [Growls]

- [Growls]

- [Whimpers]

- Ahh!

[All screaming]

- We gotta finish the game.

- We're almost there.

The game ends where wanda and I had our first date.

The emergency room.

I brought you here because I ran you over.

Also because I like hospital food.

It's the magical place where I stole your heart.

- I don't remember any of this.

- That's 'cause you were unconscious.

Although you woke up once and strangled me

With your powerful little man hands.

Before that, I had a pretty good singing voice too.

[Rumbling]

- The chipper's deadly whirling blades

Are in perfect working order.

- Quick, this way to the operating room.

- Operating room?

Cosmo, you didn't operate on me, did you?

- Of course I did.

How else was I gonna get in your heart?

- Cosmo, you gotta hurry!

- I got this, timmy.

It takes a steady hand.

[Screams]

I've got it!

- Oh, cosmo, it's true.

You did steal my heart.

- Yeah, love hurts.

[Rumbling, all screaming]

- We're going into the wood chipper!

[Screams]

- It's okay. We've almost finished.

The game ends with our first kiss.

All I gotta do is draw a kiss card.

Of clubs? No.

Baseball card? No.

Birthday card? Yay!

Hey, there's no money in here!

- Cosmo, hurry!

- Oh, here it is!

"Kiss wanda."

- Well, why not? It's only a dream.

Mmm--

[Triumphant music]

♪

- Phew. That was close.

- I must have dozed off here on the lawn again.

I had the weirdest dream.

Timmy, you were in it,

And so was lady cornington.

- Oh, honey, I sold your golf clubs for $.

Here's your money.

- I love those golf clubs!

Wait, I stole those from dinkelberg.

This is $ of pure profit!

In your face, dinkelberg!

- Cosmo, that was the sweetest game.

I'm sorry it got destroyed.

- Don't worry, wanda.

I made another one of our wedding day.

- A wedding game?

Well, that's the closest I'll ever come to getting married.

Except for my engagement to that spinster.

Ahh! I really hate this family!

- Yo, the game is over, baby!

[Triumphant music]

♪

- [Panting]

Hide me, timmy.

There's a monster after me.

- Ah, there's nothing to be afraid of, sparky.

That's just a cute baby bunny.

- On the outside.

You can't see into its dark, twisted, soul.

[Whimpers]

- You need to be a little braver.

Speaking of brave dogs, hero houndsis on tv.

- This is chet ubetcha welcoming you to hero hounds,

A show that chronicles the true life stories

Of dimmsdale's most heroic dogs.

[Dramatic music]

♪

- Ooh, speaking of heroes, I'm gonna get a hero sandwich,

With its heroic sidekick, the dill pickle.

- Tonight's episode features a brave little dog named reuben.

- Ooh, now I want a reuben sandwich!

- Help!

My baby's trapped inside that building!

[Sirens blare]

[Triumphant music]

[Baby chatters]

- Help, my baby can't land this plane!

♪

[Crowd cheers]

- Wow, reuben is amazing.

- Yeah?

I'd like to see him go one-on-one

With that monster in the garden.

Oh, no!

He's teamed up with some kind of hideous beast!

- That's a kitten.

- Face it, timmy,

I'm a big fat chicken.

- Whoa, now I want a big fat chicken!

What's wrong, sparky?

You look down. Hero?

- No, I'm not.

- Big fat chicken?

- Well, thanks for rubbing it in.

- Wait a minute.

I can understand you.

I'm talking to a dog! Yay!

I have a useful skill.

I can talk to animals.

I'm gonna call my boss, mr. Ed leadly, and tell him.

[Dialing]

Hello, millie?

Put the big cheese on the phone.

Ooh, now I want a big cheese.

Mr. Leadly, I quit.

Of course it's for a good reason.

I talk to animals now.

If you can't understand me, put your poodle on the phone.

- I'm worried about sparky.

He's all depressed 'cause he thinks

He's never done anything brave.

- What are you talking about?

Sparky does brave stuff all the time.

He landed that plane and saved the baby.

- That wasn't sparky. That was reuben.

- Then why is reuben depressed?

- Reuben's not depressed. It's sparky!

- Problem solved. You're welcome.

Who wants a big cheese? My treat.

- Guys, I bet we could cheer sparky up

If we made him feel brave.

I wish sparky had a chance to be a hero.

[Screams]

- Good thinking, cosmo.

Now sparky can rescue timmy from the well.

- And with timmy gone,

There's more cheese for me.

- Help! I am stuck in a well!

- Ahh! This is awful!

Now that we have a well,

Our property taxes are gonna go through the roof!

- This is chet ubetcha with tragically cliched news.

A boy named timmy has fallen down a well.

In related news, the turner's property taxes

Are going through the roof.

Quick, get a sh*t of the roof.

Time is running out.

Is there anyone who can save this boy?

We'll find out after this super weird commercial.

- Do you wish your cocker spaniel

Was a talker spaniel?

Or your seeing-eye dog was a speaking-mouth dog?

Well, I can help.

I'm timmy's dad, and I can talk to animals.

Watch me have a conversation

With this blood-thirsty african lion.

Hello. What's your name?

- [Roars]

- Use your words.

[Screams] oh, no!

[Groaning]

[High-pitched wail]

- Sparky, help me!

- Come on, sparky.

Now's your chance to be a hero.

Timmy's in trouble,

And you're the only one who can rescue him.

- You're right, wanda.

I'm gonna save timmy...

By going to china, digging a hole,

And tunneling my way up into the well.

- Couldn't you just throw down a ladder?

- There's no time!

I have to get to the airport.

But first I have to get to the book store.

I need something to read on the plane.

Can I borrow $?

Never mind, I'll stop at the bank.

- This is chet ubetcha saying it's day five

And timmy turner is still stuck in that well.

Boy, it's been a slow news week.

- [Shivering]

- Hi, timmy! I'm here to rescue you.

Sorry it took so long.

My flight to china was delayed.

Our baby pilot got lost.

- Whatever. I'm glad you're here.

Now use your fairy dog powers and float us outta here.

- There's no time.

We have to get back down to china

To catch our -hour flight back to dimmsdale.

And the airport security stinks.

They search everywhere.

I hope you don't mind flying coach.

I could only afford one first class ticket.

[Horn honks]

- Hey, everyone.

My dog eventually saved me from the well.

He's a hero.

[Cheers and applause]

All: hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

[Loud thud]

We haven't eaten in ten days.

- Well, you're not getting my big cheese.

- It's okay.

My dog brought takeout from china.

[All cheering]

- This is chet ubetcha saying this dog is a hero

And I get dibs on the pork lo mein.

[Upbeat music]

♪

- Welcome back to the animal talker,

Starring me, timmy's dad

And my python co-host, ed mcman-eater.

Why yes, ed, I have put on a few pounds.

I've been eating a lot of big fat chicken.

Anyway, my guest today is sparky the hero dog.

[Cheering]

Make room for sparky, ed.

That's not what I meant.

- It's too bad your dad got eaten by the snake.

- It's okay. The snake spit him out.

- No, it was too bad 'cause I didn't get to promote

My new cereal, here-i-os.

It's so not a part of your balanced breakfast.

- It's nice to see you feeling good about yourself, sparky.

- Thanks, timmy.

I gotta go get fitted for a tux.

I'm scooting down the red carpet at the puppy's choice awards.

- My plan worked perfectly.

Sparky feels heroic,

And he's got no clue I tricked him.

- Shh, sparky might hear you.

- Might hear what?

- Timmy's plan of pretending to be in danger

So you could save him and you could feel better.

But now somebody ruined it completely.

- Cosmo, that was you!

- I'm sorry, my brain was clogged with cheese.

- Timmy, is this true?

- Oh, it's true.

I ate a whole lot of cheese.

- Look, sparky, I was only trying to help.

I wanted you to feel good about yourself.

- So I was never a hero.

I'm just a big loser who's afraid of baby bunnies

And their fluffy, scary friends.

[Sobs]

- Sparky, wait!

Oh, man, I feel terrible.

- This is chet ubetcha

Reporting that a vicious chinese panda

Has crawled up through the hole dug by sparky the hero dog.

[All screaming]

- [Growling]

- [Baby wails]

- [Panda growls]

This just in, I'm running for my life!

- Don't worry, chet. I'll handle this.

I can talk to animals.

- [Growls]

- Eeh, that's not a panda!

Pandas are cute.

That's some kind of chinese bear,

And I don't speak chinese.

- Oh, no, we've got to save my dad.

[All scream]

- [Whimpers]

Timmy, I need help.

But mostly I need an english to chinese panda dictionary.

- [Growls]

- Guys, I really wish this panda wasn't in my room right now.

[Triumphant music]

- [Growls]

[Growls]

[Horn sounds]

- Animals of the wild, save me!

Not you, ed mcman-eater.

Go eat dinkelberg.

- [Growls]

- Sparky, thank goodness you're here.

Save us!

- Oh, let me guess,

This is another trick to make me feel better.

I'm not falling for that again.

- [Growls]

- [Screams]

- It's not a trick, sparky.

Please, save my dad.

- [Screaming]

- Oh, no, he knows judo.

And I thought pandas only knew kung fu.

Don't worry, timmy. I'm on it.

[Dials]

Hello, I'd like five orders of crispy wontons to go.

- Sparky, what are you doing?

- I'm saving you, timmy.

- [Growls]

- Here you go, panda.

- [Growls]

[Chewing]

- You see, timmy, when I was in china

I learned that pandas love crispy wontons.

I also learned fried food gives them indigestion.

- [Belches]

- Yay!

- Are you cheering 'cause we were saved?

- No, I finally got to see

What the inside of a panda looks like.

It was on my bucket list.

[Triumphant music]

- Sparky, you did it.

You really are a hero.

- Wow, I really am.

[Gasps]

Glare all you want, you little monster.

I'm not scared of you anymore.

- [Sneezes]

- Aghh!

[Whimpers]

Yep, totally over it.

- Yay!

Now I finally get to see

What the inside of a python looks like.

And the inside of a goat,

Which the python apparently ate before he got here.

[Goat bleats]

- This is chet ubetcha with another episode

Of hero hounds.

Today we feature sparky the dog,

Who not only rescued a boy from a well--eventually--

But also saved him and his dad

From a vicious panda.

- Wow, timmy, I'm the bravest dog in the world.

I guess I take the cake.

- Ooh, now I want cake.

But first I need to beg for my job back.

Hello, millie, put the top dog on the phone please.

No, not mr. Ed leadly. His poodle.

[Poodle yaps]

Thanks, raffles.

Well, I took a pay cut,

But at least I got my job back.

Oh, look, a cute little kitten.

- [Howls]

- [Screaming]

- He has a dark soul!

Oh, now I want soul food.

Big fat chicken!