09x18 - Turning Into Turner/The Wand That Got Away

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Fairly OddParents". Aired: March 30, 2001 – July 26, 2017.*
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Series follows the adventures of Timmy Turner, a 10-year-old boy with two fairy godparents named Cosmo and Wanda who grant him wishes to solve his everyday problems.
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09x18 - Turning Into Turner/The Wand That Got Away

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

[Frantic music]



- [Laughs wildly]

At last, my dna replicator is complete.

With it, I can turn myself into timmy turner

And trick his fairies into granting my wishes!

I call this baby the turner-me-into-turner-ator.

- Denzel, are you ranting to yourself again?

- No, mother!

I'm ranting to my raven, dwayne.

He's my new b.f.f., Bird friend forever.

[Bird squawks]

- You know I'm allergic to that bird.

[Sneezing]

- Yes, I do.

That's the cherry on top of our friendship sundae.

- I really wish you'd make some human friends.

- And I wish you fell victim to an abrupt meteor shower!

A wish that will soon come true once I get turner's dna,

And I know the easiest way to get it:

By waiting six months

For one of turner's teeth to fall out,

Dressing up like the tooth fairy,

And snatching the tooth from under his pillow.

- Drop it.

This tooth ain't big enough for the two of us.

- If you want it, you'll have to pry it

Out of my dainty gloved hand, toots.

[Lively music]

- [Screaming]

- Thanks for the teeth, punk.

- [Groans]

- What are you gonna do

With your tooth fairy money, sport?

- Well, it's only a quarter, so I guess I'll not do anything.

- [Panting]

On to plan "b" to get turner's dna.

Turner, would you care for some gum?

- No, thanks.

I make it a point not to take gum from weirdos.

- Just chew the gum!

No chewing gum in class!

Now, kindly spit it into this sterile petri dish.

- What? But you just said--

- Just spit out your dna!

I mean, gum.

[Cackles]

- Is it just me,

Or does it seem like mr. Crocker is up to something?

- Well, it's only been a two-minute school day,

So who cares?

- [Laughing wildly]

Aha!

As soon as I put turner's slimy spit-covered gum

In the dna replicator,

I'll have the body of a ten-year-old boy.

[Bird squawks]

Yeah, that came out creepier than I planned.

Thank you for your honesty, dwayne.

- [Sneezes]

Denzel, I told you

I'm deathly allergic to that bird.

- And I told you to take a long walk

Off a short pier.

Looks like neither one of us are good at taking orders.

Anyways, dwayne, where was i? Oh, yes.

Turning into the ten-year-old boy

Of my dreams.

[Bird screeches]

Right again, dwayne.

I shouldn't say everything I think out loud.

- Well, if you need me,

I'll be driving myself to urgent care.

I can feel my throat closing up.

[Sneezing]

- [Screams] oh, no!

Mother's booger dna contaminated

Turner's slimy spit-covered gum dna.

Must stop the machine.

[Yelps]

Huh, I don't feel any different.

Looks like I got off scot-free.

[Screams] I'm a monster with a pink hat!

Huh, guess the pink hat is genetic.

Curse mother and her old lady dna.

Now I look nothing like turner,

But not to worry.

I have a better plan.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, I'm--

- [Gasps]

Timmy from the future.

- Well, I was gonna say

Your slightly effeminate uncle marv,

But let's go with what the talking fishbowl suggested.

I'm you from a week from now.

- You're me?

What the heck happens to me in the next week?

- I'll tell you right after I use the can.

I have the bladder of an -year-old woman.

Where's your restroom? I mean, I know where it is.

I'm you.

[Grunting]

That was the closet.

I mean, it was so good to see the closet of my boyhood.

On to the can!

[Gurgling noise]

I hope.

- I can't believe

I turn into whatever that is in a week.

- It's not that bad, timmy.

Sure, you're old and ugly, and you have a hump, but...

I started the sentence without thinking it though.

- I bet you got that hump from being hunched over,

Playing video games.

Ooh, I know.

I'll help you by playing your video games for you.

That'll take care of your hump,

But you're on your own with the old lady bladder.

- I wonder how ugly I get in the future.

[Gasps] I know.

I'll poof in my future self.

Who is this handsome scoundrel? - I'm you from the future.

See? Here's our driver's license.

- Oh, no, this is terrible!

- You bet it is.

Some lunatic let you have a driver's license

In the future.

- No, this picture's awful.

This gorgeous stud blinked.

Come on, future me, we got to retake this photo.

- I can't believe cosmo gets a driver's license

In the future.

He can't drive.

He can barely remember to open his eyes

After he blinks.

I got to see how this happened.

- Does anyone care that I turn into a monster in a week?

[Toilet flushes]

- Sorry that took so long.

Between having an -year-old memory

And not being in my own home,

I completely forgot where I was.

I mean, I'm you!

- Oh, no.

In the future, I'm ugly and crazy.

Future me, we have to stop me from becoming you.

No offense. - None taken.

That's why I'm here.

This continues to be so much better

Than my uncle marv story.

- Just tell me what to do. I'll do anything!

- Give me your fairies and-- wait.

Did you say anything?

[Lively banjo plays]

- So how does feeding you waffles in a chicken costume

Prevent me from turning into you?

- Well, do you feel humiliated? - Unbelievably.

- Then it's working!

I mean, the future is complicated.

Now, cluck your way down to the kitchen

And get me more syrup.

- [Clucking]

- This is perfect.

Eventually, I'll get turner's fairies!

But in the meantime, I'm having a blast

Torturing him in outlandish and embarrassing ways.

- [Clucking]

So have I saved my future? - Not even close.

Next, you'll need to get me some prune juice.

- Ew, when did I start liking prune juice?

- When you realized your -year-old digestive system

Can't handle waffles.

I mean, next wednesday. Now, hop to it!

No, I literally mean hop,

And throw in some clucks.

- [Clucking]

- [Laughing]

- If you want a new driver's license photo,

You handsome studs will have to take the test again.

Both: no problem.

But shouldn't we wait until daytime?

- It is daytime. Un-blink!

Both: whee!

- [Screams]

Watch out for the tree.

Ding!

And the street parade.

[Screams]

And the giant skyscraper.

How are you not seeing this?

[Screaming]

- Well, this is terrible.

My pen ran out of ink, and I wanted to write,

"Congratulations. You boys passed."

- What?

They nearly hit everything on the road.

- But they didn't, and that's what matters,

That and getting a new pen.

- But that means I'm the reason cosmo got a license.

No!

- All right, boys,

Head inside to take your picture.

- Quick, future me, let's practice not blinking.

Both: this is hard.

[Bright, frilly music]

- Okay, future me,

Have I done enough weird, humiliating stuff

To change my future?

- Ha! Of course not.

Now, go find some peanut butter and smear it all over the floor

Of mr. Crocker's crocker cave.

- Why?

- Because mother's allergic to nuts

And I want to keep her out.

I mean, complicated future reasons.

- [Sighs]

[Bright, frilly music]

- [Laughs]

- Good news, timmy. I finished your video game.

You should be totally back to your hump-less self.

Nope, if anything,

You're more hideous than I remember.

- Wait a minute. A high score on angry nerds?

No mere mortal can achieve that.

You must be a fairy dog!

New plan.

Who needs fairies when I can take the dna

From that magical dog,

Combine it with my own,

And turn myself into a fairy?

You there, timmy's dog.

I mean, dog of boyhood,

I command you to poof up crocker's dna replicator.

- You got it.

[Wand shimmers]

- That's an incubator.

That's an elevator.

Ding!

An alligator? Come on.

That's not even close.

Ooga-booga! Why mother?

- Sorry, man.

On the plus side, now I can see less of you.

- There, maybe I've finally done enough weird stuff

To stop me from becoming totally gross.

What the-- oh, my gosh.

What's my gum doing on an dna replicator?

The turner-me-into-turner-ator?

"To do: impersonate turner,

Get his fairies, smear floor with peanut butter."

[Screams]

That wasn't future me.

That was a weirdly mutated mr. Crocker.

Oh, no, I left him alone with sparky.

I got to get home, and fast!

But how?

[Bird squawks]

- Curse this bladder.

With all the trips to the bathroom,

I don't know how mother had time to ruin my life.

Anyway, where was i? Oh, yes.

Shoving this fairy dog into the replicator.

- Ow.

[Bird squawks]

- Hold it right there, future me,

Or should I say mr. Crocker?

- Dwayne, you turncoat!

I'm gonna turn you into a coat.

Anyway, you're too late, turner,

And since mother's not here to sneeze on anything,

Nothing could go wrong.

I'm about to become half-human, half-fairy!

[Engine revving]

- [Screams]

- [Shouts]

[Electricity crackling]

- [Shouts]

Gah! I'm a p.t. Crocker.

- When did mr. Crocker get here?

- He was here the whole time, pretending to be future me.

- Whew, what a relief. - Yeah!

I don't turn into a repulsive monster next week.

Whoo-hoo! - No.

I mean, I got my driver's license,

And I didn't blink.

- Yeah, but I did.

- We got to go back, but we crashed our car.

- Oh, I've got a car you can use.

- [Shouts and grunts]

Gah! Watch the road.

- Where we're going, we don't need roads.

- Then again, our eyes are shut,

So I don't know what we'll be driving on.

[Bird squawks]

- I'm coming for you, dwayne,

Right after I see a doctor.

I'm leaking fuel.

I have the gas t*nk of an -year-old woman.

- I found a new pen. Best day ever.

[Bouncy pop music]



- Boy, it was fun seeing the s, guys.

- I'm just happy we survived the disco inferno, sport.

- [Peeps]

[Flowing disco music]



- Let's never do that again.

Hey, where's cosmo? - What do you mean?

He's right--

Oh, that's just a green lava lamp.

I guess I couldn't tell the difference.

[Horn honks]

- Oh, timmy, it's awful.

I lost my wand somewhere in the s,

And I can't remember where I left it.

I also lost my wallet, so the cab's on you, wanda.

- That'll be $,.

It's long ride from .

Plus, I got two speeding tickets through the 's.

- Cosmo, this is bad news.

If someone gets hold of your wand,

It could be disastrous.

- Nothing's more disastrous than the s.

The boys looked like girls, and men had perms.

Curls should never be that tight on a man.

Gah! Tight curls!

- Cosmo, I may have big hair, but you have big problems.

If a fairy loses his wand,

He can no longer be a fairy godparent.

It's all clearly stated here in the rules.

Oops.

That is just a screenplay for saturday night fever.

Anyway, you have hours to find that wand,

Or I'm going to have to replace cosmo

With another fairy,

Like that green one over there.

Oh, wait. That is a lava lamp.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have got a gig tonight

Dj'ing at a disco roller rink.

It's going to be dynamite!

- So turner does have fairies!

And one of them lost his wand.

If I find it, I'll have unlimited magic,

And thanks to my new invention, the fairy flier,

The sky is the limit!

[Shouts]

I pulled a hamstring!

[Shouts]

When did turner get a barracuda pond?

- I got it.

In order to find where cosmo lost his wand,

We'll just look at these pictures I took

In the s.

[Rousing disco music]

Cosmo, I don't see your wand in any of these.

In fact, I don't even see you in this last one.

- That's 'cause I'm being blocked by fat elvis.

He should've done a little more jogging

In those blue suede shoes.

- Are you sure you had it with you before we left?

- Well, I know for sure I had it at the park

Before you made the wish to go to the s.

- Well, then let's go to the park.

Hopefully your wand is still there.

- I'll drive. - How?

You don't have a car. - Yes, I do.

I won it on a s game show.

It was behind curtain number two.

[Bubbly pop music]

Groovy ride, huh? - Ooh!

We could solve mysteries in this van.

Okay, g*ng, our first case is the mystery of the missing wand.

And I found it.

Case closed. - That's my wand.

- Oh, and we were on a roll.

Way to blow the streak, wanda.

- Come on, sparky. To dimmsdale park.

- Zoinks! - What?

- Sorry, that's how I sneeze, timmy.

Must be allergic to your polyester pants.

All: yahoo!

- I have to find that fairy wand

Before turner does.

Good thing I repaired my trusty fairy flier.

With this baby,

They'll never see me tailing them

From high in the sky.

Ha!

I'm like a humped angel of doom.

[Laughs and groans]

Charlie horse.

[Grunts]

Once I get that wand,

My first wish will be for a little muscle development

Below the waist.

- There's cosmo's wand!

[Dog gasps and pants]

- And there goes cosmo's wand.

- Follow that dog.

[Tires screech]

[Upbeat 's pop music]

- Jinkies. - What?

- I always say jinkies

When I got to catch a flying dog.

[All screaming]

[All scream and grunt]

- Oh, no. Now chet has cosmo's wand.

- This is chet ubetcha with a fancy new microphone

Covered in doggy drool.

- Well, we're safe as long as chet doesn't make any wishes.

- I'm reporting from dimmsdale's oldest bridge.

It's so old that it can't support any more weight.

Man, I wish all you viewers at home could be here

To see how incredibly fragile it is.

Ding!

- [Shouts] there's the wand.

All I need to do

Is carefully maneuver my fairy flier

And deftly snatch it from that reporter.

Gah! Butt cramp!

[Screams and grunts]

[Dramatic music]

[All shout]

- The wand! Sparky, get it, boy!

[Upbeat 's pop music]



[People cheering]

- What a great day in the ballpark, folks.

You know, this takes me back

To my own spectacular major league career.

- But, jeff, you were a hockey player.

- Please stop talking, brenda.

The ducks are ahead by one.

We've got a full count at the bottom of the ninth.

This next pitch will determine the national league champs.

- Strike three.

- That was the final out.

- And the dimmsdale ducks take the championship.

- There it goes!

Did anyone see where it landed? - Gee, scoob, I don't know.

- What? - Sorry.

I always scoob when I don't see

Where a wand has landed

Or, on another note,

If I'm about to use the word "scuba."

- Stupid traffic.

Why couldn't the bridge have collapsed

After I crossed it?

At least those people who got washed away are moving.

[Grunts]

Ooh! A sh**ting star.

I'm gonna make a wish.

Star light, star bright,

First star with a stick I see tonight,

I wish for the one thing

That will fill the void in my life:

An endless supply of gum balls!

No, wait, that just filled the void in my car,

And I'm still stuck in traffic.

I know.

sh**ting star stick,

I wish I could fly out of this traffic

Like that pigeon.

Hey, hey! Yay!

I'm free as a bird.

Oh, a dirty cupcake! I'm gonna peck at it.

- [Gasps]

Can it be? It's the missing fairy wand!

At last, it's mine. Huzzah!

- Oh, no, mr. Crocker's got cosmo's wand.

We have to go after him.

- I think we've got a bigger problem

To take care of first, sport.

- [Gasps]

[Dramatic music]

- A giant wave of gum balls.

Great, now I can't see

Where I dropped my dirty cupcake.

[All scream]

- Finally I can make my own wishes without fairies!

First up, I wish to be a zillionaire!

[Jazz music]

Oh, great, no money. Just dirty rain.

Let me try again.

I wish for a fairy tale romance.

- If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess.

- That's what the guy at the car wash said.

I'm not falling for that again.

I'm waiting for my wish to come true.

[Shouts]

Stupid wand doesn't work. Oh, well.

Guess I'll just get rid of it

By throwing it into the vat of acid

I keep in the basement.

You never know when mother's gonna want to take a bath.

[All screaming]

- Oh, no.

Mr. Crocker's already made a wish.

- Ruh-roh. - What?

- [Coughs]

Sorry, I had a gum ball stuck in my throat.

- Come on.

We have to stop him from making any more wishes.

We better split up.

Sparky, you and cosmo search the kitchen.

Wanda, poof, and I will search the basement.

Come on!

- Like, good thing we're going to the kitchen, sparky.

I could use a snack.

[Both scream]

- [Hisses]

[Both scream]

[Both scream]

- Jinkies. What's the matter?

- Monster! - Calm down, you two.

There's no such thing as monsters.

- Well, somebody better tell that to her.

- [Snarls]

All: monster!

[All scream]

- [Moans]

[All scream]

[All scream]

- The horror! It's even worse than fat elvis.

[All scream]

- Mr. Crocker, give me that wand.

Also, why is your house full of monsters?

- That's mother's bridge club.

They're not monsters, just really hideous old ladies

And the reason we should all wear sunscreen

And floss our teeth.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to toss this useless fairy wand

Into a vat of acid in slow motion.

[Dramatic music]



- [Screaming in slow motion]

No!

Yes! Uh-oh.

[All scream]

- It's okay, guys. This isn't a vat of acid.

It's just orange juice.

- Well, it's acidic.

The acid helps soften mother's leathery skin.

- Catch, cosmo!

- Uh, that's a lava lamp. I'm over here, timmy.

- Guys, I wish we were back home.

Ding!

- Wait a minute. The wand really does work?

No! I had it in my hands.

I could've made a million wishes.

And I would've gotten away with it, too,

If it weren't for those meddling kids.

- Denzel, who are you talking to?

- [Screaming]

Ooh, this o.j. Is nice on the skin.

- Are you sure you don't want that kiss?

- Okay, now you're just coming off as desperate.

- We did it.

Now that cosmo has his wand back,

I don't need a replacement fairy.

- And we won't need to solve any more mysteries.

- Rooby, rooby-roo! - What?

- Uh, that's what I always say before a giant pigeon's

About to hit a window.

- [Laughs and grunts]

Zoinks!

[Shouts]

I broke my jinkies!
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