09x19 - Stage Fright/Gone Flushin

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

[Upbeat music]

♪

- [Screaming]

- Stand still, twerp!

I need to break in my new mace

By breaking your face with my mace!

- Ha! You missed me.

But I got you on camera.

Sparky filmed the whole thing.

- In h.d. I mean, woof!

Bark! Dog sounds dogs make.

[Dramatic music]

- You're busted, vicky.

I'm gonna show my parents what a terrible babysitter you are.

- Oh, my gosh!

- So you finally realized you're a monster

Who feeds on the fear of children?

- No, I knew that.

But I didn't know I look so great on camera.

I was born to be an actress.

Forget babysitting.

I quit! Ha ha!

- Guys, it finally happened.

Vicky's gone, and she's never coming back!

[All cheering]

- I'm back!

I looked up what it takes to be an actress,

And it's money.

I gotta pay for head sh*ts, an acting coach,

And a psychic that tells me to make life and death decisions

Based on a ding-dong pseudoscience.

- You should see my guy.

He predicted the housing collapse.

I mean, "begging for treats" sounds.

- Anyway, now I'm gonna babysit you

Day and night until I land my first acting gig.

- Ha, there's no way my parents will leave me

With you full-time.

- Oh, timmy, we're leaving you with vicky full-time.

We're going treasure hunting.

Thanks for the pirate map, vicky.

- I'm so excited.

Now I won't have to feel self-conscious

About wearing my laser surgery eye patch.

- And I won't have to feel self-conscious

About this parrot who's mysteriously

Roosting on my shoulder.

Or this meat hook I accidentally glued to my hand.

- [Squawks] glued to my hand.

- Her name is polly,

And she's like a tape recorder that poops.

This is my fourth shirt this morning.

We have to find that treasure to pay for my dry cleaning.

- Mom, dad, you can't be serious.

This is just a kid's menu from a dinner theater

Called pirate foody.

Why do you think it has a game on it

Called "tic tac yo ho ho"?

- To throw us off the trail.

With so many "x"s, we won't know which one marks the spot.

Let's go, dear, after I get a fifth shirt.

- Stupid eye patch.

[Triumphant music]

- Uh, why am I dressed like a matador again?

- You're helping me practice for my first audition.

I play bonita carnita, a matador's concerned sister.

- There is no way I'm helping you.

- Maybe you should, sport.

If she lands a part, she can't babysit you anymore.

- I mean, let's get you a part.

So what do you want me to do, vicky?

- Just stand there while I say my line.

[Clears throat]

Guillermo, watch out for that bull, por favor.

Okay, twerp, now you say, "ow."

- Why?

- You didn't say your line! Let's do it again.

Well, I didn't get the bonita carnita part,

But I got another audition.

I play a desperate, clingy girl who's in love.

- Please not with me.

- With you!

You're my boyfriend in a super desperate,

Clingy romantic scene.

- [Gulps]

I think I'd rather get trampled by the bull again.

- Just pucker your lips and run towards me.

- I can't do this, guys.

It's hard to pucker your lips when you're choking back vomit.

- You can do it, timmy.

Just pretend she's a dead crab

And peck the meat out of her legs.

No, wait, that's what a seagull would do.

I'm really into character.

- Okay, twerp, pucker and run!

[Romantic music]

[Distorted romantic music]

[Romantic music]

[Distorted romantic music]

- [Groans]

[Romantic music]

[Quirky music]

[Groans]

Who the heck is this?

- Oh, this is t*nk.

He's playing my jealous ex-boyfriend.

I found him under the pier hiding from his parole officer.

All right, let me read the script.

No, ex-boyfriend, don't punch my new boyfriend again.

- Okay.

- No, you're supposed to punch him.

Stick to the script!

Am I the only one here who can act?

- [Screams]

- Okay, so I didn't get the girlfriend part either.

Next up, I have an audition

For a girl whose little brother is in a coma.

You play the little brother.

- But I'm not in a coma.

- You are now!

- Well, the good thing about a coma

Is that I missed two weeks of school.

And some memories.

- Hey, twerp.

You regained consciousness just in time

To help me with my next audition,

The babysitter slasher in babysitter slasher.

You're the slashee.

Spoiler alert: you're not in the sequel.

- [Screams]

I can't take it anymore!

Vicky's embarrassed me, tortured me,

And put me in a coma.

- On the bright side, you had a fun day at the beach.

You stole a lady's sandwich,

Got hit in the beak with a football,

And pooped on a lifeguard.

Oh, wait, that was me.

You just wasted the day lying in bed.

- I was in a coma!

- That's no excuse for leading a sedentary life.

- Sport, vicky's not gonna leave you alone

Until she gets cast in something.

- That's it.

I know how to get vicky an acting part

And get even with her at the same time.

Guys, I wish vicky was the star of a play

That I get to direct.

- Ooh, I love the theater.

Wind in your hair, adrenaline rush.

Wait, that's falling from an airplane.

I hate the theater!

[Triumphant music]

[Doorbell chimes]

- Hi. I'm lady human mcrealperson.

I'm a theatrical agent.

How would you like to star in a one-woman showcase

At the dimmsdale community theater?

- Not interested.

Ha ha, just kidding. That was acting.

Of course I want to be the star of my own show.

- Fantastic.

Let's get to the theater, fellow non-magical human.

- Amateur community theater.

I finally made it to the big time!

[Upbeat pirate music]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

- According to the map and my one good eye,

The treasure should be around here somewhere.

♪

- Ooh, let's follow them.

- I finally hit the big time.

Staging a pirate-themed extravaganza

While people eat microwaved popcorn shrimp.

Hey, new guys, welcome to pirate foody.

The show starts in five minutes.

Go out there and find that treasure.

But remember, the real treasure

Is living your dreams.

♪

- ♪ While ye enjoy your foody ♪

♪ We'll be huntin' for our booty ♪

- Ah! I found it.

"X" marks the spot.

- Stop, you scallywag.

There still be six verses of our pirate ditty to go

Before we find the treasure.

[Both grunting]

- I'm getting that treasure.

Don't try and stop me.

- [Squawks] try and stop me.

- Shut your beak, tape recorder that poops!

[Laughter]

- Just keep digging, honey.

I'll take care of the pirates.

[Grunting]

Am I close?

[Laughter]

- The audience isn't throwing their food for once.

They've finally embraced my vision.

- What do you think, sparky?

Do I look like a director?

- I don't know. I never met one.

But if they look like a boy standing on a dog,

You're a dead ringer.

- Hi, you must be vicky.

I'm your director, good night shamalot.

- [Belches]

- Did your jacket just burp?

- What if it did? You want the part or not?

- I do. I do!

- Tonight's showcase will feature you

In a series of scenes from famous plays.

- Tonight? What about rehearsal?

- My casting director said you were so good

You didn't need rehearsal.

- Ha, I am that good, but also better!

- Then let's get the show started.

[Dramatic music]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please welcome vicky what's-her-name

Performing in a series of scenes

From famous plays.

First up, girl on a hot tin roof.

- [Screams]

Aah, hot roof!

Aah!

- A streetcar named destruction.

[Bell dings] - [groans]

- Death of a saleswoman.

- I'm a saleswoman.

Would you like to buy some stick lip?

Uh, lipskit-- lips stuff?

[Screams]

- And for our finale,

Who's afraid of a wolf, virginia?

- Ah, please tell me I'm the wolf.

- Nope. [Wolf growls]

- [Screams]

- Brilliant show!

I'll give it a rave review on my blog, "crock of the town."

So far, I have eight followers,

All of which are crocodile enthusiasts.

Boy, are they gonna be upset when they realize

That my blog is about theater.

Vicky what's-her-name, your performance was inspiring.

I give it two humps up!

- Thanks.

I owe it all to good night shamalot.

He put me through a lot,

And I might have rabies from the wolf,

But it was worth it to be a star!

[Groans]

- Uh, guys? I feel bad.

- Ooh, me too.

I pecked the meat out of one too many dead crab legs.

- No, I mean it was fun to get back at vicky,

But I may have gone too far.

I know how to make it up to her.

I wish she were the star in a real play.

[Ding]

[Hissing]

- I'm jerry crockheimer,

A producer and crocodile enthusiast.

I read about you on "crock of the town,"

And I'd like to cast you in my broadway play.

It's about--

- Who cares? I'm in!

Later, losers! Ha ha!

- She's gone!

Now we can really celebrate!

I'll take the walk the plank steak

With a side of shiver me taters.

Mom, dad, is that you?

- Hey, timmy!

We joined these pirates.

We haven't found the treasure yet,

But we get to look for it three times a week

And twice on sundays.

[All shouting]

- Boy, all this stage v*olence reminds me of vicky.

I wonder how she's doing.

[Triumphant music]

♪

- [Screaming]

I'm acting! [Audience cheers]

- Her performance in crock of ages

Is way better than her last show!

I give it three humps way, way up!

- Hey, kids, always follow your dreams.

And keep your pockets full of glitter.

Theater!

[Upbeat music]

♪

- Cosmo, being a fish is awesome!

Especially 'cause we get to do this.

What is this again?

- We're floating upside down, timmy.

It's the latest craze. All the cool fish are doing it.

It's really popular

Around nuclear power plants and oil spills.

- What are you guys doing?

- We're floating upside down, wanda.

Try it--it's fun.

Yeah, okay, flip back over. That's not your best side.

- Oh, timmy!

We're doing the latest craze--

Taking an interest in our child.

All the cool parents are doing it.

- Where is timmy, anyway?

- Who?

Oh, you mean the kid with the pink hat?

Who knows? I've got my life, he's got his.

[Grunts] oh, no!

Timmy's fish are dead!

- Oh, what are we going to do?

- There's only one thing you do with dead things--

Flush them down the toilet.

That's what I did with timmy's pet boa constrictor.

And the old toilet after it d*ed.

I miss you, mr. Deflushio!

- I feel like we should have a funeral.

You know, say a few words.

- Way ahead of you, honey.

I prepared a heartfelt and moving speech.

[Clears throat]

Adios, timmy's fish!

[All screaming]

- Oh, no!

Why didn't you stop my dad from flushing us down the toilet?

- Because that's the other latest craze--

Not screaming "please stop" when you're in terrible danger.

- [Screams] please stop!

- Oh, wanda. You're so uncool.

[All screaming]

- Well, I'm off to the mall to buy timmy new fish,

So he won't be upset.

- Okay, and while I'm here, I might as well flush

My lawn mower down the toilet too.

It d*ed last week.

- Have fun!

- [Sobs]

I always thought I'd go first.

Adios, mr. Degrassio!

[All screaming]

- [Coughs] oh, no!

I can't believe my dad flushed us down the toilet!

- Are we in heaven?

Nana, is that you? Please don't haunt me.

- We're in the sewer, cosmo.

We're not dead,

But it looks like we'll be sleeping with the fishes.

- I don't know what's worse, the fact that wanda's in denial

Or that she's talking like she's in the mob.

- It's okay, guys. Just poof us back home.

- Sorry, timmy, but we lost our wands,

And poof lost his rattle when we were flushed.

- You mean we're trapped here? The wands!

Let's get 'em!

- Look, I see the pearly gates!

They're a lot less pearly with raw sewage on them.

- Cosmo, we're not in heaven!

- [Roars]

[All screaming]

- Aah, it's a serpent!

Maybe we're in the other place-- el monte, california!

- [Hisses]

- It's my old pet boa constrictor.

Cuddles, is that you?

I guess you weren't dead after all.

- Cuddles, I missed you.

Aah! He's a hugger. - [Growling]

- [Grunts]

- Stand aside, fish citizens!

Catman--i mean ratman-- is here to save the day.

Darn, I keep doing that.

I gotta write my new superhero name on my hand or something.

- Catman? I mean ratman?

It's me, timmy turner!

- Timmy? But you're a fish.

Oh, I get it.

You have a crime-fighting alter ego too.

Your secret's safe with me, fishman.

- Why are you living in the sewer?

- Well, it started last week when I was taking a nap

At the retirement home of

[Echoing] justice.

[Snoring] purr.

- Looks like we lost another one.

- Meow.

Purr. - Adios, catman.

[Toilet flushes]

- You take one cat nap, and they think you're roadkill.

Anyway, when I landed in the sewer,

I found this awesome rat costume.

- What kind of wacko gets rid of a perfectly good rat costume?

- This rat suit is dead to me!

- I've been living amongst the rats,

Fighting crime ever since.

- But there is no crime in the sewer.

- You're welcome.

- [Grunts] I don't mean to cut in,

But I think I'm getting drain bramage.

- Evil boa constrictor, unhand that innocent fish!

- Uh, not to nitpick--especially since I'm suffocating--

But snakes don't have hands!

- Ratman, do something!

- [Roars] - ahh, snake!

- [Burps]

- Okay, that works.

- Can somebody give the snake a bran muffin?

It may be my only exit strategy.

- Cuddles, it's me, your old owner, timmy.

Bad snake! You spit out ratman!

- [Gulps]

- Score another victory for ratman.

As long as I troll the sewers,

They will remain forever crime free.

Hey, that snake stole my sugar-free breath mints.

Get back here, cuddles!

- Boy, it's cool to be a superhero.

Can I be fish with an empty milk carton on its head man?

- If you wanna look like an idiot.

- [Gasps] that could be my superpower!

- Come on, guys. We have to get the wands.

There they go!

Let's split up.

Wanda and poof, you go after a wand and the rattle.

I'll go after the other wand with cosmo.

- Don't you mean fish stuck in a boot man?

- Come on, sweetie, let's get that wand.

[Sniffs]

Oh, by the way, do you need your diaper changed,

Or is that just the sewer?

- Poof-poof!

- Don't worry-- there's no way that lawn mower

Is coming back to life...

[Dramatic music]

♪

Unless an electric eel swims by.

Hey, how did that thing get down here?

- Okay, zappy, now just be very quiet until mother comes in.

I've been pumping the old bat full of lemonade all day long!

Boy, will she be surprised!

[Grunting]

Zapped by an eel with my hand in the toilet.

I've made some bad choices in my life.

- Aah! Not you too, sparky!

Timmy's pets are dropping like flies!

Obviously, timmy wasn't feeding you enough.

Am I the only one in this house who respects animals?

It's flush time!

[Toilet flushing]

- There it is!

Got it!

- [Yells]

[Both grunt]

- Don't got it.

- Sorry, timmy.

Your dad flushed me down the toilet when I was napping.

That's the last time I watch a math channel marathon.

"Fun with fractions." Yeah, right.

- Sparky, poof us home!

- I can't.

My magic tail doesn't work when it's wet.

And I guess I can say good-bye to my smartphone.

- Come on, guys. Let's get those wands!

[Dolphin squeaks]

[All screaming]

- Whoo-hoo!

Except for the filth, the waste, the slime, the germs,

And the horrible odor, this is just like a water park.

- Wanda, did you get your wand and poof's rattle?

- No, they got shredded by an eel-powered lawn mower.

- I'd question that, but it's not any weirder

Than anything else that's happened today.

Looks like our only hope is to find cosmo's wand.

- Poof-poof!

- Looks like poof just did.

[All screaming]

- [Snoring]

- This is terrible, timmy.

Your dad flushed your pet giant squid down the toilet!

- I never had a pet giant squid.

- That's even sadder in a way.

- [Snoring]

- Let's just sneak up on him and try to take the wand.

- For some reason, I'm suddenly craving calamari.

Which I always douse in hot sauce!

- [Snoring]

[Roars]

All: help!

- If only fish in a boot man were here to save us.

- That's you, cosmo!

- Thanks for revealing my secret identity, wanda.

Now I'll have to quit crime fighting and go back

To the boring life of being your husband.

- Surrender, evil squid!

Fear not, timmy.

It's ratman and his trusty sidekick cuddles to the rescue.

- You tamed cuddles?

- Turns out, like all of us,

All he wanted was for someone to hug him back.

I love you too, cuddles.

Now, att*ck!

Aah!

- [Grunts]

[Groans]

[All screaming]

- We're free!

Look, the wand!

- [Whimpers]

- Good work, cuddles.

With your superhuman strength and my power to dog-paddle

In sewer water while wearing a soggy rat suit,

We're unstoppable.

- Still, I would've liked to see

What fish in a boot man could've done.

- There is no fish in a boot man!

- Thanks to you, blabbermouth!

- Come on, cuddles, it's time to clean up the sewer.

But don't touch anything, 'cause it's gross.

Hiyah! This could get a little bumpy.

- He's so mysterious.

- Cosmo, poof us home! [Ding]

Boy, that was the weirdest day ever.

- It was weird, timmy.

But we all learned a valuable lesson.

Don't tell wanda your superhero identity,

'Cause she's just gonna blab it to the whole world.

- Oh, timmy!

Timmy, I love and respect you,

So you deserve the truth about your fish.

They're absolutely fine

Even though they look completely different.

- Ooh, calamari! [Both grunt]

This seems like a job for fish with a guitar man.

- Cosmo, will you stop making up superheroes?

- [Grunts] - [grunts]

[Both sigh]

- How can we ever thank you, masked stranger?

- Cosmo, that's poof!

- There you go again, blabbermouth.

- For the last time, turner, I'm still alive.

- You're dead to me, dinkleberg.

- Well, okay.

[Toilet flushing] hey-yo!