09x07 - Two and a Half Babies/Anchor's Away

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right!

[Jazzy music]

♪

[School bell rings]

- All right, children,

Does anyone know what week it is?

- Destroy the weak week?

- Poof poof?

- That's right, poof.

It's national egg baby week.

[Kids cheering]

- Oh, right.

Destroy the weak week starts february rd.

Ooh! Does that mean we get to throw eggs at babies?

And if so, can we substitute eggs with razor-sharp coral?

- Silly, psychotic foop.

National egg baby week is when you take care of an egg

And treat it like a real baby.

- Wow, you really have a knack for picking snoozers.

- [Giggling]

Ah!

Okay, now who threw that scorpion?

Foop, was it you? - It wasn't me!

It was sammy sweetsparkle!

See? His pockets are full of them!

- Oh, mercy! They are!

- Anyway, I'm pairing you into groups of two.

As parents, you must keep your egg baby alive

By not letting it cr*ck or break.

If you accomplish this, you will get an "a."

- Keep it alive?

But that goes against everything I stand for.

Oh, is there nothing that could make this week worse?

- Foop, you'll be paired with poof.

- [Giggling]

- I leave myself open to that every time!

And you wonder why I throw scorpions at you.

I mean, why sammy does!

- They're all crawly!

- Now, foop, if you fail this assignment,

You will have to attend summer school.

- [Gasps] I can't!

I've already signed up for evil summer camp

At camp wanna-hurt-a-stranger.

And this year we're learning

How to weave baskets that hold skulls!

- Here are the rest of your eggs.

[Both giggle]

[Both giggle]

- [Giggling]

- Feel free to personalize your egg baby

To reflect both its loving parents.

[Ominous music]

[Sweet music]

♪

[Ominous music]

[Rock music]

- Poof poof! - Don't give me that look.

Foop junior is half mine too. - Poof poof!

- You don't like foop junior? Fine.

We'll think of another name.

Something simple and catchy. I know!

We'll call him annihilatron,

The dark lord of unspeakable horror.

- Poof poof.

- Oh, fine. We'll go with wesley.

[Alarm blares] - warning! Foop detected.

Activating foop scoop.

- [Screams]

- Aah! What's foop doing here?

- Poof poof.

- Oh, that's sweet.

You're doing a school project together.

- So a super responsible parent is being paired

With a dangerous, irresponsible nut job.

Where have I seen that before?

Let me jog my memory with this unlicensed cattle prod.

- [Screams]

- Thank goodness you're the responsible one

In the relationship, poof.

- You can't be serious! I'm the responsible one!

I'm responsible for the seven greatest atrocities

In the world,

Eight if you count televised golf.

- Poof poof! - Don't tell me to calm down!

- [Screams] poof poof!

- See what you made me do? My wesley!

- Oh, I just love my new hobby--boiling things!

Like this hammer! Ooh, shiny!

And this hairbrush! Ooh, brushy!

An egg?

Boiling that would be weird, but I'll try anything once.

- Oh, no!

Your dimwit father's going to boil my baby!

He must be annihilated!

- You can't do that!

- You're right, it's not destroy the weak week yet.

But I'll be back on monday, february rd.

- Poof poof. - Good idea, poof.

I'll distract my dad while you rescue baby wesley.

Hey, dad. What ya up to?

- Oh, I'm just doing things from my book of hobbies...

Which I also boiled.

- Stand back, cotton puff.

This is a job for the responsible parent!

- Ooh! Painty! - [Screams]

- That's weird.

When you boil an egg,

It turns into a square lobster with facial hair.

I better give it more time.

- February rd, you're mine!

- Nice job, poof! You rescued baby wesley.

- You're giving him all the credit?

Oh, that makes my blood boil.

Well, technically that pot of scalding water

Made my blood boil, but you know what I mean.

- [Giggling]

Poof poof. Poof poof, poof poof.

Poof poof, poof poof.

- Step aside and watch a real puppet master

Captivate his audience.

- [Growls]

- [Gasps]

♪ Poof poof poof poof poof, poof poof poof poof ♪

- A lullaby? Please!

That only works on the weak-minded.

[Snores] sleep.

[Snores] snore.

[Snores] sleep.

- Poof, why don't you let me hold my grandson for a while?

- Mm, poof poof.

- Of course I won't drop him.

After all, I never dropped you.

Yay! Whoopsy!

Yay! Whoopsy!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Yay! Whoopsy!

- [Screams]

- Don't look at me like that!

You loved that trip to the grand canyon.

Aw, he looks just like me.

Say, wesley, wanna play with some of my favorite toys

When I was your age?

- Cosmo, those aren't baby toys.

Of course they are, wanda.

What baby doesn't like to play

With a world w*r ii a*tillery cannon?

- Cosmo, no!

- [Screams] - [snoring]

[Babbles]

Don't worry, wesley! I'm coming to save you!

Nice cannon.

I'll need that come february rd.

[Screaming]

Weird. I didn't think... [Shudders]

That it'd be possible to... [Shudders]

Burn more after the boiling water.

[Shudders] I was wrong.

[Excited giggling]

Wait. Why am I running when I can fly?

Tah!

Ooh!

[Screams]

- Way to go, poof!

You saved baby wesley once again.

- Poof poof.

- What? I did all the saving!

I've got the lightning storm diaper rash to prove it!

Oh, wesley.

You're the only one who really knows

How good of a parent I am.

[Sneezes]

Aah! What have I done?

There goes my chance

Of attending camp wanna-hurt-a-stranger!

And I was so looking forward to roasting weenies.

Billy and bobby weenie, my bunkmates.

Wait, I know.

I'll just poof up another egg.

Wow. These are fragile. Who knew?

Okay, I'll poof up the most indestructible egg

In the universe, and no one will be the wiser.

Perfect!

- Poof poof.

- Well, here's our egg that didn't break.

Same egg we've had the whole time.

You can trust me because I'm not a pathological liar.

- Poof poof.

- You're right, I am. I lied about that.

Anyway, it's beddy-bye time for wesley.

I shall read him my favorite children's book.

"If you give a mouse a poison cookie...it dies!"

The end. Sweet dreams!

- [Giggles] ♪ poofy poof poofy poof

- Oh, not this again.

As I said before, lullabies are for simpletons.

[Snores] - ♪ poofy poofy poof poof poof

♪ Poofy poof poofy poof

[School bell rings]

- All right, children.

It's time to present your egg babies.

Oh, sammy sweetsparkle, your egg is perfect.

- [Stammers] look outside, miss powers.

There's a van full of rich, single men.

- Really?

Where?

- So easy.

- [Screams]

- Oh, I'm sorry, sammy, but you get an "f."

- [Crying]

- Now, foop and poof, let's see how you two did.

- Here's our baby,

The same egg you gave us, as far as you know.

Well, thanks for the "a."

I'm off to evil summer camp now.

[Triumphant music]

See you next year, lame-o.

- Wait a minute, foop.

These eggs aren't supposed to hatch.

What did you do?

- Me? I didn't do anything!

- [Screams]

[Dragon roars]

- All right. I'll come clean.

Sammy did it!

He broke my egg,

Then switched it with an indestructible one!

Whew! Felt good to get that off my chest.

- Oh, dear!

It's an indestructible, fire-breathing dragon monster

That spits bile and farts nails!

[Dragon roars]

- Good job, wesley! You've made me proud!

Together, we will cast a reign of terror

Over the universe!

We'll have to start after evil summer camp though.

It's already booked, and frankly I could use a little "me" time.

Now, come to papa.

[Dragon roars]

Its stomach is lined with eyes,

So it can watch itself digest its food!

Help me!

- [Screams] [dragon roars]

- ♪ Poof poof poof, poof poof poof poof ♪

♪ Poof poof poof poof poof, poof poof poof poof ♪

- Keep singing, poof. It's working.

And I've got to get to that van full of handsome men!

- What's going on out there?

I hear singing and the stomach's eyes are starting to close.

[Dragon roars] [screams]

- Congratulations, poof. You get an "a!"

- That means I passed too, right?

- Silly, bile-covered foop.

You get an "f" for switching out the egg

And putting us all in danger.

I'm sorry, but it looks like

You're going to summer school after all.

- This day can't get any worse!

- Along with sammy sweetsparkle.

- We can be study buddies and share our secrets

Under the old elm tree!

[Laughing]

- No!

[School bell rings]

- Welcome to summer school, children.

[Fart]

- [Screams] all right, who did that?

Foop, what did I tell you about throwing things in class?

- It wasn't me.

Wesley's the one who can fart nails!

Seriously, what do you eat?

[Dragon roars]

[Dragon swallows]

So many eyes!

[Upbeat music]

♪

[Western music]

- Guys, I love the outskirts of town!

- Yeah, they sell the best skirts out here.

Can we go to the outboxershorts of town next?

'Cause I'm totally flying al fresco under my skirt.

- I meant the outskirts are great 'cause no one's here.

I can wish up anything I want,

Like a dinosaur playing the accordion.

- Why would you even want to poof that up?

- Why do I do anything, wanda? To avoid doing my homework.

[Dinosaur giggles] [playing accordion music]

- This is watchdog reporter chet ubetcha

Wearing a poodle skirt I bought on the outskirts of town.

My tireless investigative reporting

Has uncovered news that could prevent a future disaster

At the dimmsdale zoo.

[Whimsical music]

Hold that thought.

I've just spotted an accordion-playing dinosaur

Headed for dimmsdale!

Which is weird because I thought accordions were extinct.

[Playing accordion]

- Oh, no! Chet saw the dinosaur!

Poof it away!

- Timmy, the breeze tickles my cha-chas.

[Giggling]

- And now, brace yourself for exclusive footage

Of a t-rex playing a musical instrument

That will never get him a girlfriend!

[Western music]

This is chet ubetcha saying,

I swear there was a dinosaur here.

Now I feel like a fool...

And not just because my bobby socks

Don't match my poodle skirt.

- Phew! That could've been bad.

- You're telling me.

If that dinosaur wanted a girlfriend,

He should've been playing the cha-chas.

- Timmy, making wishes out here in the open is risky.

If chet had caught you,

We would've been all over the news.

- You're right, wanda.

Let's just come back tomorrow when he's gone.

- That's good thinking, timmy.

The last thing you want to do

Is draw unnecessary attention to yourself.

Ooh, a penny.

[All screaming]

[Western music]

- Well, we're back on the outskirts of town,

And the coast is clear.

Guys, poof me up a volcano that erupts jelly beans!

- Really? You're going with that?

Ever think of wishing for a hat in a boy color

That fits your head?

- Said my husband wearing a hoop skirt.

- What? It complements my cha-chas.

- Just grant my wish, guys.

[Cheerful music]

- This is watchdog reporter chet ubetcha

Back on the outskirts of town with breaking news

That could prevent these badly built buildings from breaking.

Wait a minute!

A volcano erupting jelly beans has magically appeared!

This is a disaster of epic proportions!

I'm gonna have my cameraman

Spin slowly and dramatically towards it.

- Oh, no, not chet ubetcha again.

Poof away the volcano!

- Dimmsdale, prepare to be amazed

By this footage of a magical candy volcano!

[Western music]

Oh, dear.

There's nothing there again.

This is chet ubetcha saying, I'm losing my mind!

[Upbeat rock music]

♪

- I'm not sure this alien invasion wish

Was such a good idea.

- Aw, relax, wanda.

There's no way chet ubetcha

Would be on the outskirts of town

Three days in a row.

- This is watchdog reporter chet ubetcha

On the outskirts of town for my third day in a row.

I'm here at the outskirt steak house,

Where patrons are mysteriously falling asleep.

- [Gulps]

[Snoring]

- In unrelated and possibly imaginary news,

A beaver boy has just been spotted

Chasing an alien spaceship.

Did anyone else see that, or have I completely lost it?

- No, man. I saw it too.

- Thank you, talking dog. Talking dog!

Quick! Get a sh*t of it!

Turn around! Hurry, man!

[Western music]

- There's no dog, man.

- This is chet ubetcha saying, it's official, I've gone cuckoo.

Up next, an in-depth interview

With disgraced retired reporter chet ubetcha,

Who will now live in shame in the woods.

- Aah! It hit me right in the cha-chas!

- Good news, timmy.

Chet ubetcha went bonkers!

- How is that good news?

- It's good news for me. I'm the new newsman!

Look, they even gave me

Chet ubetcha's old newsman clothes.

They said I'd have big shoes to fill replacing chet ubetcha,

But they lied.

He's a women's size four!

I'm gonna break in these shoes

By walking down the super steep basement stairs.

Aah! Bucket of nails!

[Yells]

This just in. I did not see that coming!

- Wow.

My dad sure seems excited

About being dimmsdale's new reporter.

And who knows, he could turn out to be a great newsman.

- This is ace reporter, timmy's dad,

Standing in front of these crumbling buildings

With breaking news--

My feet hurt because my shoes are a women's size four.

This just in-- my lunch!

Thanks, cameraman whose name I'm too important to learn.

Hi, timmy! I'm eating lunch on tv!

[Screams]

[Tires screech]

- [Snores]

[Car alarm blaring] [all snoring]

- This is timmy's dad at the outskirt steak house

Saying, what am I doing here, cameraman?

I already ate lunch on tv.

[Monkey chattering] [lion roars]

This is timmy's dad in the middle of africa.

- You're at the zoo, dude.

- Hi, timmy! I'm in africa!

- This is great!

With chet gone and my dad as the town newsman,

I can go back to making wishes on the outskirts of town.

[Overlapped screams, car alarm blaring]

The whole town's gone loco!

[Roaring]

- Yeah, loco like a fox.

[Fox growling]

I probably shouldn't have filled my cha-chas with meat.

- Well, on the upside,

None of this is my fault for a change.

- Actually, sport, it is.

I did some research, and it looks like

It was chet ubetcha's watchdog reporting

That kept the city together.

He was on the outskirts of town

Because he was about to break stories

That would prevent all this mayhem from happening.

- And since I drove him into the woods, it is my fault.

- [Screams]

Timmy, timmy, timmy.

- Yeah, I know. I messed up.

- No, I always say "timmy, timmy, timmy"

Before I black out from a fox att*ck.

[Whimpers]

[Horn honking] [bear growling]

- Oh, no! The city is falling apart.

We gotta find chet and get him back on the news!

- Well, good luck with that, little missy.

- Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence, cosmo.

- No, I always say "good luck with that, little missy"

When I regain consciousness

Before blacking out a second time from a fox att*ck.

[Whimpers]

[Sparky sniffing]

- Good job tracking chet down, sparky.

How did you know he was in this cabin?

Did you use your canine senses to track down his scent?

- No, I just followed

These woman's size-four footprints...

And his trail of tears.

- Mr. Ubetcha, are you in there?

- This is chet ubetcha saying, no one lives here!

Go away!

- Chet, please, you gotta go back to work!

Dimmsdale needs your watchdog reporting

Before the city falls apart!

- This is chet ubetcha saying,

I've moved on to a fulfilling new life

As a sad, crazy loser in the woods.

[Sobbing] I'm so unhappy!

- Mr. Ubetcha, you're not crazy.

All the things you reported on were real.

My friends and I saw them too.

We even have pictures.

Right, non-magical, human friends?

- Right.

- Look at that.

It's the dinosaur playing the accordion,

The jelly bean volcano,

And the beaver boy chasing the alien spaceship.

So I'm not crazy!

- Right.

'Cause wearing a tv on your head is totally normal.

- Says my husband in the hoop skirt

With the meat-filled cha-chas.

- What do you say, chet? Let's go report the news.

- This is chet ubetcha saying, I'm back at : and :!

Sports and weather on the :s.

Oops! I forgot that timmy's dad has my clothes.

This just in--

Cover your eyes until I put on my poodle skirt and bobby socks.

This is chet ubetcha reporting

That buildings have been crumbling

Because contractors have been cutting costs

By replacing steel girders with fudgy bar sticks.

- Oh! These fudgy bars might not hold up buildings,

But they sure taste good!

[Sirens blare]

- Hi, timmy!

I'm licking fudge off a girder.

- This is chet ubetcha reporting that the outskirt steak house

Has secretly replaced their steak

With less expensive turkey, causing diners to fall asleep.

- Aah!

- Hi, timmy! I just ate a big steak dinner.

[Snores]

- This is chet ubetcha saying,

Monkeys have been helping dangerous animals

Escape from the zoo.

It appears they've been secretly taking online classes

To learn how to pick locks and pick pockets.

- Wow, these shoes are really pointy!

[Monkey screeches] hi, timmy!

Tell your mom to cancel my credit cards.

- Nice job, mr. Ubetcha.

It's good to have you back.

- This is chet ubetcha saying,

It's good to be back at : and :.

- I would like to present chet ubetcha

With the newsman of the year award

For his watchdog reporting that saved dimmsdale.

- Thank you, mayor, but I couldn't have done it

Without the help of a boy named timmy turner.

- Thanks, mr. Ubetcha!

[Crowd cheering]

- Wait! Don't I get an award for my reporting?

- You sure do, timmy's dad.

You get the edward r. Blooper award.

- Yes! I'll add it to my collection of awards.

And this will be the first one without dinkelberg's name on it.

I got a monkey to steal these for me.

Look, timmy!

You can tell this award is prestigious

'Cause it's shaped like a donkey's behind!

[Screams]

Whoops! I landed on my cha-chas.

Ow!

- Wow, those shoes really are pointy.

[Fox growling] aah! The fox is back!

[Fox chomping] not the cha-chas!