09x15 - Lame Ducks/A Perfect Nightmare

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Boy, that detective movie was awesome!

- Oh, yes, I love sherlock homely movies.

He's so homely, he has to be smart.

- I still can't believe the butler did it.

- What butler?

The movie was about a giant green lizard

That destroyed poughkeepsie.

- You wandered into the wrong theater again, dear.

- I wandered into the wrong theater, too.

There was hot oil and popping sounds.

- You wandered into the popcorn machine, cosmo.

- Ooh, that explains the imitation butter flavoring

In my pants.

I call it butt butter.

- Hey, what happened to our house?

- [High-pitched scream] eeeee!

We've been robbed!

They took everything!

Our furniture, tv...

Even the walls!

- If we had a butler, I'd blame him.

- Sparky, why didn't you stop the burglar?

- I didn't see a burglar.

I was too busy helping the mover with the ski mask

Load all of your stuff into his unmarked van.

- That was the burglar!

- Oh, sorry, timmy.

I thought we were moving somewhere better

Than this dump.

This place doesn't even have walls.

- This is chet ubetcha reporting

That a burglar has been robbing houses all over dimmsdale,

Taking everything including my microphone,

Which is why I'm talking into this churro.

This just in--

It's a mexican doughnut.

- Hey, turners, I saw you were robbed,

So I took the liberty of replacing

All your worldly possessions.

I also brought you this sack of cold, hard cash.

- Cold and hard like your heart!

Get off my lawn, you demon with a human face!

- I'm glad the house is back to normal.

And it's a good thing mr. Dinkleberg

Got exact replicas of all my old stuff.

We can forget the burglary ever happened.

- Oh, timmy.

We can never forget this burglary ever happened!

To catch the burglar,

I'm starting a neighborhood watch.

Darn it!

He took my watch!

This guy is more cunning than I thought.

- Dad, you don't wear a watch.

- Good detective work, son.

I could use you on my team.

- Dad, you're not a detective.

- I might as well be.

I've seen every sherlock homely movie ever made.

Well, except for the one we just came back from.

Anyway, I'm calling a neighborhood watch meeting

In our living room.

- Dad, I don't think anyone else

Wants to join your neighborhood watch.

- That's because the burglar stole

Their sense of justice!

- Hello, I'm here to join

Your neighborhood watch program.

- Were you robbed too, mr. Crocker?

- No, I'm here 'cause I wanna chew the burglar out

For not taking mother.

I left her on the porch with a note that said

"Please steal me," but no dice!

He did, however, take my dice.

- Well, now that we're all here,

I'm gonna pull out my official detective case.

Eh, let's see...

As detectives, we'll need a name that will strike fear

Into every criminal out there.

We'll call ourselves

The dimmsdale undercover crime k*ller squad.

- So, we're the ducks?

- Of course we are.

Nothing puts more fear

Into the heart of thieves than duck hats.

I stole them from dinkleberg,

So technically, I'm our first suspect.

From now on, you will call me by my code name--

Major mallard.

Your code name is lucy goosey.

- Oh, come on!

- And your code name is mr. Quackers.

- Could I be named the falcon?

It's a cool name, and it might get me a date.

- Falcons have nothing to do with crime.

Everyone knows ducks are nature's crime fighters.

They fly south for the winter to bust perps.

Now to catch a burglar in the act,

We'll have to set up a stakeout.

Mmm, I love steak outs!

Especially with creamed corn.

Oh, I love creamed corn, timmy.

- I don't think a stakeout means

Going out for steak.

- I worked at a steakhouse once,

Just to steal the knives.

That reminds me--

I have to leave soon to put mother out

For the burglar with a note that says,

"Great for pulling your plow."

That woman's got the cankles of a clydesdale.

[All chewing noisily]

[Cash register bell dings]

- This steak out is delicious.

Once we're done, we should really start

Looking for the burglar.

Excuse me, waiter,

Could I get a doggy bag, please?

- Sorry, not my table.

[Laughs wickedly]

- Dad, I think that was the burglar.

- What?

To the duck truck, mr. Quackers!

You too, lucy goosey.

- Oh, come on!

[Fanfare]

- Floor it, mr. Quackers.

- It's the falcon!

- No, it's not!

[Screams]

It's the burglar.

[Inhales]

[Quaaaack]

[Ducks quacking]

Arrest him!

- That's just a guy taking out his trash.

[Ducks quacking]

[Tires screeching, crash]

- Trust me, lucy goosey.

I have the mind of a defective.

- I think you mean detective.

- [Yelping] [crash]

- No, I think he had it right the first time.

[Ducks quack]

- Aah!

[Quaaaack]

Look, someone's in old lady schwimmer's house.

- That's mrs. Schwimmer, dad.

- Which is exactly what the burglar

Would want us to think.

[Crash] - eh?

- You're busted, burglar!

We're the ducks.

- I'm the falcon.

What are you doing later?

- Shut your beak, mr. Quackers,

And pat the suspect down for stolen loot

While we go for more steak.

- [Screams]

- Gah!

Why am I always stuck with an old lady?

I swear, I attract them like a free bus to reno.

Eeyah!

- [Screams]

[Ducks quacking]

- After much thorough and handsome investigating

In this duck hat,

I've concluded that the burglar is

None other than...

Dinkleberg.

- Mr. Dinkleberg's clean.

Nothing we found leads to him.

- Oh, really?

Then how do you explain these stolen duck hats?

- You stole them from him, dad.

- It's major mallard, and stop twisting my words.

I will not be a victim of this witch hunt.

- Guys, I'm worried about my dad.

All his crazy detective work is gonna get him into trouble.

- I wouldn't worry, timmy.

You really think people are dumb enough

To believe his crazy theories?

- So it is dinkleberg!

The falcon is gonna go ask that lunatic

Why he didn't steal mother.

[Indistinct shouting]

- This is chet ubetcha reporting

That timmy turner's dad has harassed half the town,

Causing an angry mob to demand

That the turners leave dimmsdale forever.

In related news, the angry mob

Would've brought pitchforks and torches,

But those were stolen too.

- Whoa.

I haven't seen a mob this angry

Since they ran out of powdered doughnuts

At parent/teacher night.

Well, I'm out of here.

Time for the falcon to take to the sky!

Great, the burglar stole the duck truck.

Get turner!

[Ducks quacking]

- [High-pitched scream]

Oh, no.

Even the ducks have turned against me.

No, I'm wrong.

I just have creamed corn on my shoes.

[All chanting] get timmy's dad!

Get timmy's dad!

- [Sobs] I've failed, timmy.

Every house in dimmsdale was robbed,

And I couldn't stop it.

I'm not fit to wear

This extremely flattering duck hat.

Let's go pack our things,

So we can leave this town forever.

We'll pick up some steaks on the way out.

- I'm not hungry. I ate a duck.

[Duck quacks] anyway, let's blow this joint.

- No, sparky. I don't want to move.

I have to find a way to help dad

Catch this burglar and save his reputation.

- But how, sport?

Every house in dimmsdale has already been robbed.

- Then I wish dimmsdale had one more house.

- Well, timmy, looks like I'm being driven out of town

By an angry mob.

Story of my life.

- Dad, you cannot give up on the ducks.

There's still one more house that hasn't been robbed.

You might be able to trap the burglar there.

- I've never noticed that house before.

But I think we've realized that I don't really pay attention.

[Ducks quacking]

- This is the only house left

For the burglar to rob, dad.

And when he shows up,

You're gonna be here to stop him.

- You're right.

And when I do, I'll prove to everyone

That they were wrong about me.

[Both blow duck call]

Let's do this, lucy goosey!

- You got it, major mallard!

- It's dad.

Oh, right.

- Hello, neighbors.

We're the super rich fairymans.

Care for a fancy egg?

- Thank you.

I gotta say, mr. Fairyman,

I like your green hair.

I guess when you're rich you can get away with anything.

- That's right. We're super rich!

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to leave my gold out to dry.

- Oh, look, honey.

The diamonds are ripe.

- Those will go great in your diamond mango salad.

Won't you stay for dinner?

- Sure.

Timmy, it's gonna be hard for me

Not to rob these people.

- Oh, don't bother closing the door.

We rich people find it to be such a hassle.

[Duck squawks]

- I'm gonna dust for fingerpaints.

- Fingerprints, dad.

[Coughs]

- Dust!

Dust!

- Uh, dad, aren't you supposed to dust for fingerprints

And block off the crime scene after a crime?

- Timmy, I'm the defective here.

- You sure are.

All: aah!

- Oh, no! It's the waiter!

- Dad, it's the burglar!

- And he's got our wands!

I mean, our very expensive salad tongs!

- Thanks to your loser neighborhood watch,

Robbing this town has been a piece of cake.

I'm just gonna steal this one last thing

Before I go have a piece of cake.

[Laughs]

- Aah! Listen up, burglar.

You can rob my house and humiliate me

In front of the entire town,

But nobody steals my duck call!

- Ah-choo!

- Dad, your super-weird detective skills

Actually paid off!

- That's because good always triumphs over evil.

Now grab the diamonds out of that salad

And let's get out of here.

[Indistinct shouting]

Here's your burglar, dimmsdale!

We can all rest easy now that the streets are safe.

I know I will.

All that creamed corn made me really sleepy.

[All cheering]

[Ducks quacking]

- Welcome to the neighborhood, mrs. Fairyman.

- Great. Thank you.

What are we gonna do with meatloaves?

- Well, you know what they say--

When life gives you meatloaf, make lemonade.

[Gulps]

Boy, this is disgusting lemonade.

- I'm the falcon! Call me.

[Vacuum hums]

- This is the worst day ever!

I was going through dinkleberg's mail,

And I found this. - A monogrammed sweater?

- No, I took the sweater from dinkleberg's closet.

The "d" stands for dad now.

I meant this copy of perfect family magazine.

Every week they give the perfect family award

To the dinklebergs!

Why not us? We're the definition of perfect.

You're the perfect homemaker.

Boom!

- Oh, dear.

The sucky-uppy thingy broke.

On the bright side, I'm done with my chores.

- And timmy's the perfect student.

- I am.

The "f" on my book report stands for fantastic.

- And sparky's the perfect dog.

- Dog food? Oh, come on!

I asked for surf and turf.

- Perfect kick, sparky.

Honestly, what's so great about the dinklebergs?

Sure, they turned their pool into a sanctuary

For endangered sea turtles,

Which, by the way, make delicious soup.

[Slurps]

Who am I kidding?

The dinklebergs are better than us.

[Sobs]

- No, they're not, dad.

We have a much nicer...

Uh, tablecloth.

- I stole that from the dinkleberg too!

That's why it has "ds" on it.

- I thought that stood for dinner.

- I'm gonna go up to my less-than-perfect room

And cry into my less-than-perfect pillow.

[Sobs]

- I'll come with you, dear.

It's filthy down here.

- I feel terrible for my dad, guys.

He really wants us to be the perfect family.

- You know what perfection is, timmy?

Being exactly who you are.

- You obviously don't know timmy very well,

But on a related note,

I don't know me very well either.

I have to find out who I am.

Okay, I am definitely not a lion tamer,

But I definitely am a guy with internal bleeding.

I'm unraveling the mystery that is me.

- Wanda, I really want to make my dad happy.

I wish we were the perfect family,

So we can win the perfect family award.

Whoa! I'm taller...

With the right amount of teeth for a person.

- Turner,

Your homework magically regraded itself.

Now you're the perfect student.

This can only be the work of fairies!

Who I assume are cleverly disguised

As those two skunks on your lawn.

Hooray!

They sprayed me with their magic.

[Sniffs] hmm.

I don't remember magic smelling this bad.

Look at that.

I have the power to wilt daffodils.

Denzel crocker is a stinky force

To be reckoned with!

- Timmy, I made these perfect finger sandwiches.

Which is amazing, because a minute ago,

I was lying on the floor with smoking pieces

Of the microwave burning through my dirty sweat pants.

- They're just like I like 'em, mom,

With the crusts cut off.

[Chomps]

- I used the crusts to feed these songbirds.

[Birds tweeting]

- I can't believe my eyes.

And by that I mean I suddenly don't have

To wear contact lenses anymore.

Also, my family is perfect.

[Heavenly choir sings]

Even sparky,

Who's turned into a handsome white stallion.

- My name is avalanche now!

- [Gasps] he's so perfect he talks.

[Doorbell rings]

- Hi, I'm susan percritical.

But you can call me sue percritical.

I'm from perfect family magazine,

And I received a tip that you're

The most perfect family in dimmsdale.

- Well, our dog is a horse.

- That's a good start.

And you do look fairly flawless.

Now all you have to do is remain perfect for hours,

And the trophy is yours.

- Come on, sue percritical.

We'll give you a tour of our perfect house.

- I cut the crusts off the den.

- Well, I'm definitely not a crash test dummy.

- Well, you are one of those words.

- My vision quest continues.

- Sport, it looks like your dad is on his way

To getting that trophy.

- Being perfect is gonna be a snap!

I'm gonna snap!

I didn't realize perfect kids did this much homework.

- And they also eat six servings of vegetables a day.

- Oh, come on!

[Chews]

- Well, apparently I'm not a magician's assistant either.

Also, I don't think that guy in the alley

With the rusty saw was really a magician.

- Being perfect is harder than I thought.

- Being perfect is hard!

Now I have to do things like mow the lawn,

Rake the leaves,

And give dinkleberg back all the stuff I stole.

- Turner, you didn't have to return all my stuff.

- Oh, I had no choice.

I'm cursed with perfection.

But I am keeping your watch.

[Sobs] oh, no, I'm not.

- I'm not sure I'm cut out for this perfect thing.

Now I have to buy our groceries

Instead of taking food from bar mitzvah receptions.

- So I guess we're not having a chopped liver swan for dinner?

- Oh, no, dear.

We're having a healthy and legally purchased meal.

So I'm making steamed fish and six servings of vegetables.

- That's it!

Emergency family meeting in the kitchen.

Turners assemble!

[Blows]

By the way, dinkleberg, here's your conch shell.

Look, I know we all want that trophy.

Or at least I do. I don't know what you want.

The point is, being perfect is k*lling us.

And by us, I mean me.

I don't know what's k*lling you.

- You're right, dad.

Being perfect is the worst.

[Bird twittering]

Stop singing in my ear, stupid bird!

- Look, I have a plan.

We can still win the trophy if we're perfect

When the judge gets here tomorrow.

But until then, I say we secretly go back

To being our imperfect selves.

Both: whoo-hoo!

Let's lose the perfect clothes!

- That's strange.

Well, there are other ways to not be perfect.

I'm gonna call my boss, mr. Ed leadly,

And lie about being too sick to work on monday.

Hello, mr. Ed leadly.

I'm sick...

Of not working, and I can't wait

To come in on monday.

[High-pitched scream]

It's like my voice stayed perfect

Even though my brain didn't want to be.

What is happening?

- I don't know, dear.

But something's wrong.

I tried to make our usual dinner

Of hot fudge sundaes, but they turned

Into salmon with steamed broccoli.

- We're living in a perfect nightmare!

[Both screaming]

- Wanda, we can't stop being perfect,

And it's making us crazy.

You have to undo the wish.

- I can't, timmy. You wished to be perfect

So your dad could win the award,

And that hasn't happened yet.

So you're stuck with being perfect until tomorrow.

- Well, I'm also not a sword swallower.

Maybe I'm a rattlesnake whisperer.

Hi, mr. Rattlesnake.

Wrong again!

- This is nuts!

I can't take being perfect for another hours.

- Sorry. You don't have a choice.

- Oh, really? Well, check this out.

I'm gonna watch tv instead of doing my homework.

Math?

Aah!

- Timmy, it's bedtime.

- It's only :.

There's no way I'm going to--

What the--

My legs are taking me to bed

Even though my brain doesn't want to go.

Aah!

I might be in bed, but there is no way

I'm going to sl-- [snores]

- Look, timmy.

I made the perfect breakfast.

I couldn't--[sobs] stop myself.

My body got up at : a.m. To start cooking!

[Crying]

- Fruit, plain yogurt, wheat toast with no butter?

What is this, a hippie labor camp?

Forget it, I'm having sugary cereal.

Aah!

- Hey, guys.

Can't stay for breakfast.

I'm in the dimmsdale derby.

- Break a leg, sparky!

- It's avalanche.

And never say that to a horse!

[Neighs]

- Morning! I'm gonna get the paper

And hack apart dinkleberg's gazebo.

This is a nightmare!

I tried to hack apart his gazebo

And ended up building him a new family room

With a stunning bay window. - Hey, turner.

Just reminding you,

When you built my family room

With that stunning bay window,

You kindly offered to drive me to the airport

In rush hour traffic.

- [Growls]

I can't wait!

I treasure every minute we spend together.

What kind of voodoo is this?

[Sniffs]

Honey, are you wearing a new perfume?

- No, dear. That's how I break wind now.

- Relax, guys.

Only five more minutes until the judge gets here.

We just have to hang on.

- Eh, all right, let's just watch some tv.

- No, not tv!

It turns into my homework!

[All crying]

[Doorbell rings]

- [ Gasps] it's sue percritical, timmy!

You get it.

If I get up, I'm afraid I'll detail

Dinkleberg's car again.

- Hello, turners...

- We get it! We win!

We're perfect. Wish is over.

I mean, thank you!

Congratulations, dad.

We're the perfect family.

- I don't want to be the perfect family anymore.

I liked our old imperfect family

With our bad grades and our cereal

That didn't turn into hippie yogurt!

I broke dinkleberg's window,

And I don't feel the urge to fix it.

The curse is broken.

[Triumphant music]

- Come on, honey.

I'll make hot fudge sundaes for dinner.

And by make, I mean steal them from the steinberg bar mitzvah.

- You did it, sport!

You survived being perfect.

- And now we can go back to our normal, underachieving lives.

- Well, good news.

I finally figured out who I am.

- Let me guess.

You realized you're happy being cosmo,

And you're perfect just the way you are?

- Oh, heck no.

I'm marcy cooperstein from tallahassee, florida.

I'm off to cheerleading practice.

Go, cougars!

Oh, and if my bff tiffany calls,

Tell her I'll see her saturday night at the pep rally.

And she is not to look at trevor.

He's mine!

- Will somebody get this guy off me?

- Want to see a neat trick, mr. Ed leadly?

- Aah!

- That's weird.

There's usually a white shirt

And khakis underneath.

- ♪ Billionfold

- Inc!

- Frederator.