09x25 - Fairly Odd Fairy Tales
Posted: 12/04/22 11:11
- ♪ Timmy is an average kid
♪ That no one understands
♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪
- Bed, twerp!
- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪
♪ Is broken instantly
♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪
♪ 'Cause in reality
♪ They are his oddparents
♪ Fairly oddparents
- Wands and wings.
- Float-y crown-y things.
- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪
♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪
- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,
Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!
- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪
♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪
♪ With fairly oddparents
- Yeah, right.
[Upbeat music]
♪
- [Laughing]
- Poof, it's time for bed.
- Not tired.
- He's a little hyper tonight.
I probably shouldn't have let him polish off
The leftover halloween candy.
- What? - Aah!
- You told me a rabid raccoon ate it.
- Rabid raccoon, your son, what's the difference?
They both foam at the mouth.
- Why don't you read me a story until you fall asleep?
Then I'll watch tv.
- [Gasps]
Ooh, read us the story
Of the three little pigs in a blanket.
I hear they come out super hot,
So you got to huff and puff and blow on them.
- That's a cookbook, cosmo.
- Yahoo!
- This is a fairy-tale book.
[Fanfare]
- Yeah!
- Poof, which story do you want to hear?
Jorgen and the beanstalk, or rip stud winkle?
- Hey, that's not what those stories are called.
- Timmy, the fairy tales you grew up with actually happened
To real fairies.
- The names were changed because no one's
Supposed to know we exist.
[Phone ringing]
Turner residence, timmy's fairy speaking.
Thanks a lot, wanda.
Now I can't save % on my car insurance.
- Guys, I'm a little old for fairy tales,
So I'm going to read something slightly more sophisticated.
- Burpman and fartboy.
Nothing says literary classic like a crime-fighting duo
That gets their powers from eating mexican food.
I'll just read the story of cosmorella.
- Ooh, I like this one.
It's about a handsome, green-haired lad,
Who saved % on his car insurance.
- Be quiet, cosmo. [Clears throat]
Once upon a time,
There was a young servant boy named cosmorella,
Who lived with his evil stepbrothers,
Umbrella and mozzarella.
- Seriously, those are their names?
- Oh, sorry, the really clever names, like burpman and fartboy,
Were already taken.
- Anyway, cosmorella was hopelessly in love
With the unbelievably attractive princess wanda.
I mean, we're talking knockout.
- Just get to the story.
- But cosmorella knew that, as a servant boy,
He would never meet her.
- Oh, princess wanda, if only I could meet you,
I know you would love me as much as I love you.
Okay, that hurt, I kissed a thumbtack.
[Grunts] [sighs]
But alas, I'll never get to meet you, 'cause my brothers
Make me stay here all day mopping the suits of armor
And oiling the floors.
Both: whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Both scream]
[Crash]
- Whoops.
Maybe I'm supposed to oil the armor and mop the floors.
- I'd yell at you,
But this floor has never looked more charming,
And by that I mean I'm handsome.
- Excuse me, dear brother, but I am more handsome.
Ay, taco!
Cosmorella, we got an official invitation
To princess wanda's palace ball.
We came to rub it in your face.
[Screams]
Now this suit of armor is rubbing into my face,
Which is still handsome.
- You know, guys, the trick to walking on these floors
Is practice and clenching the buttocks, see?
- Anyway, princess wanda's throwing a ball
To find a husband.
- That's not how you find a husband.
That's how you lose a ball.
- No, you fool.
A ball as in a big fiesta, ole!
- And because princess wanda is so classy,
It's a bowling-themed ball with mini pizzas
And microwavable corn dogs.
- That is classy.
Everyone knows bowling is the champagne of sports.
I got to go to that ball.
Maybe the princess will choose me, cosmorella,
As her suitor.
- [Laughs] don't be ridiculous.
We all know mozzarella and I are the only ones handsome enough
To win princess wanda's heart.
- Face it, cosmorella, if you were to go to that bowling ball,
You'd just strike out.
Get it? It's a bowling joke.
[Laughter]
[Both gasping]
- You got to clench. [Crash]
Oh, princess wanda, I wish I could go to your bowling ball,
But alas, I have a barn to sharpen
And steak knives to paint.
Aah!
- Timmy!
- Gah!
- Stop whacking me with the mop.
- Sorry, you had a fly on your head.
Also, you're hideous.
- I am your fairy godmother,
And I am here to grant you your greatest wish.
You should wish to go to princess wanda's bowling ball.
- Okay, fairy godmother, I wish I could go to that ball,
But I have nothing to wear.
Wow, glass bowling shoes.
- Now you just need a ride.
[Whistles]
[Horn honks]
- Pumpkin taxi, orange on the outside,
Seedy on the inside.
- This is nice. [Sniffs]
It smells like something d*ed in here.
- Yeah, my dreams for a brighter future.
- Now, cosmorella, enjoy the bowling ball,
But remember, when the clock strikes midnight,
Everything will poof back to normal.
Also, the cabby's rates double after :,
And I am not paying for that.
- [Sighs] I haven't met a decent guy all night.
I'm really striking out.
- Princess wanda, I'm umbrella, your future kingpin.
[Chuckles] get it?
It's a bowling pun.
- And I am mozzarella.
I have sexy dance moves to spare.
Spare, it's also a bowling pun, not a pin.
[Grunts]
- Losers. [Beep]
[Both grunt]
[All shout]
- Oh, this is hopeless.
I'll never find my true love.
- Out of the way, people.
The cab meter's running, and my fairy godmother's a cheapskate.
- Who is that handsome bowling pin?
- Princess wanda, you're even more beautiful
Than you are on my poster,
And you don't have a thumbtack in your lip.
Can I have your autograph?
- Of course, handsome stranger.
- Well, that was great. Thanks.
Anyhoo, I'm gonna grab some mini pizzas, hit the men's room,
And take off.
- Wait, how about a dance?
- Okay, but you're coming off as desperate.
[Romantic music]
- You're so skillful on your feet.
You're the only one who hasn't crashed into furniture
Or pulled a hamstring tonight.
- Thanks, I'm an expert at clenching my buttocks.
- I know I've just met you, but I feel like
I've finally found my true love.
- Oh, no, where is he? - [Gasps]
- Because I thought we were really hitting it off.
[Clock chimes]
Aah, everything's poofing back to normal.
- Oh, no, I have to find that handsome stranger,
And I know exactly how to do it.
Have every man in the kingdom try on this shoe.
Except weird leonard.
- I want to smell your hair.
Aah!
- Umbrella, princess wanda is here.
Lock cosmorella in his room, so he can't try on the shoe.
- Princess wanda requests that every man in this house
Try on this shoe.
- She would also like a man to try on
This leopard print sundress.
- No, I don't. That's just you, weird leonard.
- So?
- Princess wanda, I am the man you are looking for.
Observe.
[Grunting]
Fits like a glove that is far too small for my hand.
- Princess wanda, this is clearly my shoe.
It goes perfectly with my glass hat.
- That's a fruit bowl. - No, it's not.
- There's an orange in it.
- That zapatois mine. Give it back.
[Both grunting]
[Both gasp]
- Oh, no!
Now I'll never know who that handsome stranger was.
- Cosmorella, how did you escape?
- My love is so strong, I had to find a way out.
Also, my fairy godmother kicked the door down.
- Give me back my sundress, leonard.
- [Gasps] it's you.
You're wearing one glass shoe.
That means you're my one true love.
- I'm cosmorella.
- Oh, that's a weird name.
From now on, your name is gary hardcastle.
- Okay.
- And princess wanda and gary hardcastle
Lived happily ever after,
Which is what I'll do if poof ever goes to sleep.
- I ate pounds of chocolate.
I'll probably be awake until easter.
Then I'll get more chocolate.
- Hmm, maybe you should read him another story.
How about shrimp louie and the bed of lettuce?
It's about a little shrimp named louie
Who has an edible mattress.
- You're still reading the cookbook, cosmo.
- Oh, really? Would a cookbook say
"Make sure you thoroughly wash and devein the shrimp"?
- Yes.
How about I read the three little fairies?
- Whatever, I'm too grown up for fairy tales.
- But apparently not too grown up for a story
Where the hero farts his enemy off a cliff.
- Back to the fairy tale.
Once upon a time, there were three little fairies.
They all decided to build their houses right next to each other.
- Check it out, guys.
I built my place out of tennis balls.
I can totally play fetch with my own guest bathroom.
- Sparky, that's crazy.
You should've used more sensible building materials,
Like I did.
Behold, my house made of fried cheese sticks.
I also put in a marinara sauce moat.
[Gasps] ouch, ah!
I just burnt the roof of my mouth with the roof of my house.
- My house is made of reinforced steel
And has a high-tech security system.
- Wanda, I think your security system is a little over the top.
There's nothing dangerous around here.
- [Laughs evilly] [both gasp]
Hello, fairies.
It is i, the big, bad foop,
And I am here to huff and to puff
And to blow your houses down,
While rejoicing in every moment of your misery.
- Blow on my house first.
It's hotter than my jalapeño popper house in the poconos.
- Silence! Now prepare to taste my wrath.
- I can't taste anything.
I totally b*rned my taste buds off with my cheese stick house.
- [Laughs evilly]
[All scream]
- And now cower in fear, as i,
The big bad foop, blow up your houses.
- You have no right to do this.
- Actually, I do.
I used the knowledge I gained
From a prestigious online law school
To legally obtain the deeds to your land.
Minutes on the internet and a $ processing fee,
And voila, I'm a lawyer, the most evil thing there is.
- Can you give me your business card?
The feds are after me for transporting
Hot cheese sticks across state lines.
- I didn't spring for the cards. They were an extra $..
- Why do you want our land to begin with?
- If you must know, I'm building my new fast food restaurant,
Fast foop.
We'll have foop burgers, foop fries, and for dessert,
A free foop of ice cream.
- What flavor ice cream?
- Death! I mean spumoni.
Now, stand aside as I decimate your homes.
[Tense music]
♪
Listen up, pooch.
As previously stated, I'm going to huff and puff and--
Oh, who am I kidding?
Your house is made of tennis balls.
- I can't decide between fetching the balls
And running for safety.
- Perhaps this will help your decision.
- [Screams]
- Smart thinking, you nitwit.
There's nothing safer than a house made of soft cheese.
By the power vested in me, by sleazylawdegree/\cheapskate.biz,
I will now huff, then subsequently puff,
And I'll blow your house up!
Ow!
Scalding hot marinara sauce!
Cry, cry, yelling-in-pain sounds.
- You're probably gonna want some red pepper flakes
To go with that.
- [Screams] - [screams]
[Panting]
- I'm gonna blow this place up, so you three better get out.
On second thought, stay in. It's more fun for me.
- Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.
- Wow, wanda, you look like a billy goat.
- Look, here, foop.
You'll have to destroy all of us before we hand over our land.
- As previously stated,
I'm looking forward to doing just that.
Huh, I guess that's why they call it reinforced steel.
Well, if I can't destroy your house,
I can at least relocate it.
[All scream]
Now that those pesky fairies are hurtling through space,
I can finally open up my fast foop restaurant.
Whoops, almost forgot my restaurant slogan:
"Have it my way, or suffer indescribable pain
For all eternity."
[Laughs evilly]
I'm officially open for business.
I know, I'll be my first customer.
One foopy meal, please.
Here you go, come again, and might I say,
You're a very attractive customer.
Ooh, the service here is delightful.
[Whistling] what is that whistling noise?
[Screams]
Are you kidding? [Grunts]
I should've gotten that foopy meal to go.
[Screams]
- Your super-safe house saved us, wanda.
- And I think we've all learned
A very valuable lesson today.
- Yeah, when wanda builds a house,
She totally ignores the hair on her chinny-chin-chin.
Seriously, let me get that sucker.
Come on, sparky, let's get that billy goat!
- [Screams]
And the three little fairies lived happily ever after.
The end.
Oh, good, poof is asleep.
- Read another one, wanda.
- I thought you said you were too old for fairy tales.
- Yeah, but you're never too old for shady cab drivers
And exploding houses.
Also, I finished the burpmancomic.
- Why don't you read the story of chicken parmesan
And a side salad with a country herb dressing?
Ah, the country herb, he's always up to something.
- No, I'm going to read the story
Of snow wanda and the seven fairies.
- Wait, why do we have to read all the stories you're in?
- 'Cause I have the book. Ahem.
Once upon a time, there was a fairy named tooth.
She owned a duplex and had a tooth collection,
Which was kind of creepy, but she was beautiful,
So no one said anything.
- Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairiest of them all?
- Gee, I don't know how to tell you this,
But it's definitely not you.
Oh, wait, I just did. - What?
- Yeah, I mean, you're not bad,
For a middle-aged lady who doesn't work out that much,
But snow wanda is the fairiest of them all.
- That pink-haired goody-two-shoes
Who rents my downstairs unit?
How could she possibly be the fairiest?
- Well, for starters, she doesn't have
A creepy tooth collection.
Second, she doesn't talk to her mirror,
Like a crazy person.
- Well, who cares if snow wanda is the fairiest?
It's not like there's a handsome prince
Coming to town or anything.
- Oh, but there is.
His name is prince john.
He's single and rich because he's--
- You had me at single and rich.
- Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,
But I don't think you stand a chance
If snow wanda's in the picture.
Oh, wait, I just did.
- I'll have to get rid of snow wanda.
I know, I could put snakes in her bed,
Or I could put snakes in her pantry.
What? I have a lot of snakes,
And I need to do something with them.
- And yet another reason you're creepy.
- Wait, I have an even more evil idea.
[Laughs evilly]
[Air conditioner whirring]
- Oh, no, my creepy landlady turned off
My air conditioning.
She's clearly trying to destroy me.
[Screaming]
[All growling]
[Screaming]
Oh, that was close.
Forgive me. I'm snow wanda.
My landlady's trying to annihilate me,
And I need a place to hide.
- Hello, snow wanda, allow me to comfort you
With my muscles.
- Back off.
Ignore him. He is sleazy.
- You can say that again.
- No, that's his name, you pink-haired trespasser.
I'm grouchy, and these are my roomies.
Snappy...
- Hey. [Snaps fingers]
- Meanie...
- [Laughs]
- Barky...
- What's shaking, toots?
Uh, I mean, bark.
- Bouncy...
- I dribble in two ways.
- And dr. Rip studwell.
- You look hot and bothered.
I'm writing you a prescription for more me.
- Anyway, snow wanda, you can hide
From your landlady in our kitchen.
It's so messy, she'll never find you there.
- And maybe while you're in there,
You could do some cleaning.
I can't see my handsome face in any of the reflective surfaces.
- What?
- You know, wash a few dishes, mop the floor,
Maybe clean out the refrigerator.
Barky made some homemade guacamole
That smells like a bowl of throw-up.
- Look at it this way-- if you pretend to be
Our housekeeper, no one will be suspicious.
- Well, I guess if it'll keep me
Out of the tooth fairy's clutches.
- Oh, I see what we're doing.
Perhaps she should hide in the laundry room and do a load.
I've been going commando for weeks,
And snappy won't let me borrow his diapers.
- Your square butt will stretch them out.
- I have a better idea.
Snow wanda should move my weights
From the basement to the attic.
- No, clean my room.
- No, do my laundry.
- No, unstretch my diaper.
- Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Now who's the fairiest of them all?
- Oh, it's you.
Just kidding, it's still snow wanda.
- What? But I drove her out of town.
- No, you drove her a block away to the seven fairies' house.
See? - Oh, no.
With her around, I'll never get prince john.
Well, you know what they say.
- That talking to a mirror is the first sign of insanity?
- No, if at first you don't succeed,
You poison someone with a caramel apple.
- No one says that. - I just did.
- [Groans]
Now how exactly is the front yard a good hiding place?
- I see your point.
Just put on this ski mask and keep mowing.
- Hello there, you look like you could use a snack.
- And you look like you could use a shave.
- Here, have a glowing caramel apple.
- Mmm, this is deliciou--
- [Laughs evilly]
- Oh, no, what have you done to our sl*ve?
I mean that poor girl we took in and helped.
- I poisoned her.
Now nothing will stand between me and prince john.
- Wake her up, or the homeowners' association
Will fine us for having an unconscious girl on our lawn,
Again.
- I couldn't wake her up even if I wanted to,
Which I don't.
She can only be woken up by a kiss
From her one, true love.
- Did anyone hit it off with the cleaning lady?
If so, kiss her.
She hasn't moved my weights yet.
- [Gasps] the prince is here.
Out of the way, plunger head, I'm looking for prince john.
- You found him, except I'm cosmo,
The prince of johns.
I sell high-end toilets.
- You're prince john?
But you're supposed to be handsome and rich.
- Well, I am flush with cash, get it?
Toilet humor.
[Laughter]
- Okay, I am not marrying you.
If you'll excuse me, I have a mirror to break.
- Ooh, a pretty lady.
Bigger ooh! She's got caramel on her lip.
Must be my lucky day.
Mwah!
Beautiful maiden, how would you like to be
My queen of latrines?
- I don't know what that means,
But anything beats hanging out with these clowns.
And that's how snow wanda met her prince.
- I got to say, those fairy tales
Are pretty good, considering they had characters
Who didn't fart or burp.
- That's what you think.
Wanda didn't read the part after cosmorella ate
The mini pizzas at the bowling ball.
- Speaking of mini pizzas, I could go for a bedtime snack.
- How about a foopy meal?
Eat it fast, because I'm kicking you out
To build a fast foop restaurant in your room.
- Sure, foop, but first, how would you like
A glowing caramel apple?
- Is it free? - Yep.
- Don't mind if I do.
Sleep, snore, sleep--
- He's gonna be here awhile 'cause I am not kissing him.
- And we all lived happily ever after.
- My diaper is all stretched out.
♪ That no one understands
♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪
- Bed, twerp!
- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪
♪ Is broken instantly
♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪
♪ 'Cause in reality
♪ They are his oddparents
♪ Fairly oddparents
- Wands and wings.
- Float-y crown-y things.
- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪
♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪
- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,
Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!
- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪
♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪
♪ With fairly oddparents
- Yeah, right.
[Upbeat music]
♪
- [Laughing]
- Poof, it's time for bed.
- Not tired.
- He's a little hyper tonight.
I probably shouldn't have let him polish off
The leftover halloween candy.
- What? - Aah!
- You told me a rabid raccoon ate it.
- Rabid raccoon, your son, what's the difference?
They both foam at the mouth.
- Why don't you read me a story until you fall asleep?
Then I'll watch tv.
- [Gasps]
Ooh, read us the story
Of the three little pigs in a blanket.
I hear they come out super hot,
So you got to huff and puff and blow on them.
- That's a cookbook, cosmo.
- Yahoo!
- This is a fairy-tale book.
[Fanfare]
- Yeah!
- Poof, which story do you want to hear?
Jorgen and the beanstalk, or rip stud winkle?
- Hey, that's not what those stories are called.
- Timmy, the fairy tales you grew up with actually happened
To real fairies.
- The names were changed because no one's
Supposed to know we exist.
[Phone ringing]
Turner residence, timmy's fairy speaking.
Thanks a lot, wanda.
Now I can't save % on my car insurance.
- Guys, I'm a little old for fairy tales,
So I'm going to read something slightly more sophisticated.
- Burpman and fartboy.
Nothing says literary classic like a crime-fighting duo
That gets their powers from eating mexican food.
I'll just read the story of cosmorella.
- Ooh, I like this one.
It's about a handsome, green-haired lad,
Who saved % on his car insurance.
- Be quiet, cosmo. [Clears throat]
Once upon a time,
There was a young servant boy named cosmorella,
Who lived with his evil stepbrothers,
Umbrella and mozzarella.
- Seriously, those are their names?
- Oh, sorry, the really clever names, like burpman and fartboy,
Were already taken.
- Anyway, cosmorella was hopelessly in love
With the unbelievably attractive princess wanda.
I mean, we're talking knockout.
- Just get to the story.
- But cosmorella knew that, as a servant boy,
He would never meet her.
- Oh, princess wanda, if only I could meet you,
I know you would love me as much as I love you.
Okay, that hurt, I kissed a thumbtack.
[Grunts] [sighs]
But alas, I'll never get to meet you, 'cause my brothers
Make me stay here all day mopping the suits of armor
And oiling the floors.
Both: whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Both scream]
[Crash]
- Whoops.
Maybe I'm supposed to oil the armor and mop the floors.
- I'd yell at you,
But this floor has never looked more charming,
And by that I mean I'm handsome.
- Excuse me, dear brother, but I am more handsome.
Ay, taco!
Cosmorella, we got an official invitation
To princess wanda's palace ball.
We came to rub it in your face.
[Screams]
Now this suit of armor is rubbing into my face,
Which is still handsome.
- You know, guys, the trick to walking on these floors
Is practice and clenching the buttocks, see?
- Anyway, princess wanda's throwing a ball
To find a husband.
- That's not how you find a husband.
That's how you lose a ball.
- No, you fool.
A ball as in a big fiesta, ole!
- And because princess wanda is so classy,
It's a bowling-themed ball with mini pizzas
And microwavable corn dogs.
- That is classy.
Everyone knows bowling is the champagne of sports.
I got to go to that ball.
Maybe the princess will choose me, cosmorella,
As her suitor.
- [Laughs] don't be ridiculous.
We all know mozzarella and I are the only ones handsome enough
To win princess wanda's heart.
- Face it, cosmorella, if you were to go to that bowling ball,
You'd just strike out.
Get it? It's a bowling joke.
[Laughter]
[Both gasping]
- You got to clench. [Crash]
Oh, princess wanda, I wish I could go to your bowling ball,
But alas, I have a barn to sharpen
And steak knives to paint.
Aah!
- Timmy!
- Gah!
- Stop whacking me with the mop.
- Sorry, you had a fly on your head.
Also, you're hideous.
- I am your fairy godmother,
And I am here to grant you your greatest wish.
You should wish to go to princess wanda's bowling ball.
- Okay, fairy godmother, I wish I could go to that ball,
But I have nothing to wear.
Wow, glass bowling shoes.
- Now you just need a ride.
[Whistles]
[Horn honks]
- Pumpkin taxi, orange on the outside,
Seedy on the inside.
- This is nice. [Sniffs]
It smells like something d*ed in here.
- Yeah, my dreams for a brighter future.
- Now, cosmorella, enjoy the bowling ball,
But remember, when the clock strikes midnight,
Everything will poof back to normal.
Also, the cabby's rates double after :,
And I am not paying for that.
- [Sighs] I haven't met a decent guy all night.
I'm really striking out.
- Princess wanda, I'm umbrella, your future kingpin.
[Chuckles] get it?
It's a bowling pun.
- And I am mozzarella.
I have sexy dance moves to spare.
Spare, it's also a bowling pun, not a pin.
[Grunts]
- Losers. [Beep]
[Both grunt]
[All shout]
- Oh, this is hopeless.
I'll never find my true love.
- Out of the way, people.
The cab meter's running, and my fairy godmother's a cheapskate.
- Who is that handsome bowling pin?
- Princess wanda, you're even more beautiful
Than you are on my poster,
And you don't have a thumbtack in your lip.
Can I have your autograph?
- Of course, handsome stranger.
- Well, that was great. Thanks.
Anyhoo, I'm gonna grab some mini pizzas, hit the men's room,
And take off.
- Wait, how about a dance?
- Okay, but you're coming off as desperate.
[Romantic music]
- You're so skillful on your feet.
You're the only one who hasn't crashed into furniture
Or pulled a hamstring tonight.
- Thanks, I'm an expert at clenching my buttocks.
- I know I've just met you, but I feel like
I've finally found my true love.
- Oh, no, where is he? - [Gasps]
- Because I thought we were really hitting it off.
[Clock chimes]
Aah, everything's poofing back to normal.
- Oh, no, I have to find that handsome stranger,
And I know exactly how to do it.
Have every man in the kingdom try on this shoe.
Except weird leonard.
- I want to smell your hair.
Aah!
- Umbrella, princess wanda is here.
Lock cosmorella in his room, so he can't try on the shoe.
- Princess wanda requests that every man in this house
Try on this shoe.
- She would also like a man to try on
This leopard print sundress.
- No, I don't. That's just you, weird leonard.
- So?
- Princess wanda, I am the man you are looking for.
Observe.
[Grunting]
Fits like a glove that is far too small for my hand.
- Princess wanda, this is clearly my shoe.
It goes perfectly with my glass hat.
- That's a fruit bowl. - No, it's not.
- There's an orange in it.
- That zapatois mine. Give it back.
[Both grunting]
[Both gasp]
- Oh, no!
Now I'll never know who that handsome stranger was.
- Cosmorella, how did you escape?
- My love is so strong, I had to find a way out.
Also, my fairy godmother kicked the door down.
- Give me back my sundress, leonard.
- [Gasps] it's you.
You're wearing one glass shoe.
That means you're my one true love.
- I'm cosmorella.
- Oh, that's a weird name.
From now on, your name is gary hardcastle.
- Okay.
- And princess wanda and gary hardcastle
Lived happily ever after,
Which is what I'll do if poof ever goes to sleep.
- I ate pounds of chocolate.
I'll probably be awake until easter.
Then I'll get more chocolate.
- Hmm, maybe you should read him another story.
How about shrimp louie and the bed of lettuce?
It's about a little shrimp named louie
Who has an edible mattress.
- You're still reading the cookbook, cosmo.
- Oh, really? Would a cookbook say
"Make sure you thoroughly wash and devein the shrimp"?
- Yes.
How about I read the three little fairies?
- Whatever, I'm too grown up for fairy tales.
- But apparently not too grown up for a story
Where the hero farts his enemy off a cliff.
- Back to the fairy tale.
Once upon a time, there were three little fairies.
They all decided to build their houses right next to each other.
- Check it out, guys.
I built my place out of tennis balls.
I can totally play fetch with my own guest bathroom.
- Sparky, that's crazy.
You should've used more sensible building materials,
Like I did.
Behold, my house made of fried cheese sticks.
I also put in a marinara sauce moat.
[Gasps] ouch, ah!
I just burnt the roof of my mouth with the roof of my house.
- My house is made of reinforced steel
And has a high-tech security system.
- Wanda, I think your security system is a little over the top.
There's nothing dangerous around here.
- [Laughs evilly] [both gasp]
Hello, fairies.
It is i, the big, bad foop,
And I am here to huff and to puff
And to blow your houses down,
While rejoicing in every moment of your misery.
- Blow on my house first.
It's hotter than my jalapeño popper house in the poconos.
- Silence! Now prepare to taste my wrath.
- I can't taste anything.
I totally b*rned my taste buds off with my cheese stick house.
- [Laughs evilly]
[All scream]
- And now cower in fear, as i,
The big bad foop, blow up your houses.
- You have no right to do this.
- Actually, I do.
I used the knowledge I gained
From a prestigious online law school
To legally obtain the deeds to your land.
Minutes on the internet and a $ processing fee,
And voila, I'm a lawyer, the most evil thing there is.
- Can you give me your business card?
The feds are after me for transporting
Hot cheese sticks across state lines.
- I didn't spring for the cards. They were an extra $..
- Why do you want our land to begin with?
- If you must know, I'm building my new fast food restaurant,
Fast foop.
We'll have foop burgers, foop fries, and for dessert,
A free foop of ice cream.
- What flavor ice cream?
- Death! I mean spumoni.
Now, stand aside as I decimate your homes.
[Tense music]
♪
Listen up, pooch.
As previously stated, I'm going to huff and puff and--
Oh, who am I kidding?
Your house is made of tennis balls.
- I can't decide between fetching the balls
And running for safety.
- Perhaps this will help your decision.
- [Screams]
- Smart thinking, you nitwit.
There's nothing safer than a house made of soft cheese.
By the power vested in me, by sleazylawdegree/\cheapskate.biz,
I will now huff, then subsequently puff,
And I'll blow your house up!
Ow!
Scalding hot marinara sauce!
Cry, cry, yelling-in-pain sounds.
- You're probably gonna want some red pepper flakes
To go with that.
- [Screams] - [screams]
[Panting]
- I'm gonna blow this place up, so you three better get out.
On second thought, stay in. It's more fun for me.
- Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.
- Wow, wanda, you look like a billy goat.
- Look, here, foop.
You'll have to destroy all of us before we hand over our land.
- As previously stated,
I'm looking forward to doing just that.
Huh, I guess that's why they call it reinforced steel.
Well, if I can't destroy your house,
I can at least relocate it.
[All scream]
Now that those pesky fairies are hurtling through space,
I can finally open up my fast foop restaurant.
Whoops, almost forgot my restaurant slogan:
"Have it my way, or suffer indescribable pain
For all eternity."
[Laughs evilly]
I'm officially open for business.
I know, I'll be my first customer.
One foopy meal, please.
Here you go, come again, and might I say,
You're a very attractive customer.
Ooh, the service here is delightful.
[Whistling] what is that whistling noise?
[Screams]
Are you kidding? [Grunts]
I should've gotten that foopy meal to go.
[Screams]
- Your super-safe house saved us, wanda.
- And I think we've all learned
A very valuable lesson today.
- Yeah, when wanda builds a house,
She totally ignores the hair on her chinny-chin-chin.
Seriously, let me get that sucker.
Come on, sparky, let's get that billy goat!
- [Screams]
And the three little fairies lived happily ever after.
The end.
Oh, good, poof is asleep.
- Read another one, wanda.
- I thought you said you were too old for fairy tales.
- Yeah, but you're never too old for shady cab drivers
And exploding houses.
Also, I finished the burpmancomic.
- Why don't you read the story of chicken parmesan
And a side salad with a country herb dressing?
Ah, the country herb, he's always up to something.
- No, I'm going to read the story
Of snow wanda and the seven fairies.
- Wait, why do we have to read all the stories you're in?
- 'Cause I have the book. Ahem.
Once upon a time, there was a fairy named tooth.
She owned a duplex and had a tooth collection,
Which was kind of creepy, but she was beautiful,
So no one said anything.
- Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairiest of them all?
- Gee, I don't know how to tell you this,
But it's definitely not you.
Oh, wait, I just did. - What?
- Yeah, I mean, you're not bad,
For a middle-aged lady who doesn't work out that much,
But snow wanda is the fairiest of them all.
- That pink-haired goody-two-shoes
Who rents my downstairs unit?
How could she possibly be the fairiest?
- Well, for starters, she doesn't have
A creepy tooth collection.
Second, she doesn't talk to her mirror,
Like a crazy person.
- Well, who cares if snow wanda is the fairiest?
It's not like there's a handsome prince
Coming to town or anything.
- Oh, but there is.
His name is prince john.
He's single and rich because he's--
- You had me at single and rich.
- Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,
But I don't think you stand a chance
If snow wanda's in the picture.
Oh, wait, I just did.
- I'll have to get rid of snow wanda.
I know, I could put snakes in her bed,
Or I could put snakes in her pantry.
What? I have a lot of snakes,
And I need to do something with them.
- And yet another reason you're creepy.
- Wait, I have an even more evil idea.
[Laughs evilly]
[Air conditioner whirring]
- Oh, no, my creepy landlady turned off
My air conditioning.
She's clearly trying to destroy me.
[Screaming]
[All growling]
[Screaming]
Oh, that was close.
Forgive me. I'm snow wanda.
My landlady's trying to annihilate me,
And I need a place to hide.
- Hello, snow wanda, allow me to comfort you
With my muscles.
- Back off.
Ignore him. He is sleazy.
- You can say that again.
- No, that's his name, you pink-haired trespasser.
I'm grouchy, and these are my roomies.
Snappy...
- Hey. [Snaps fingers]
- Meanie...
- [Laughs]
- Barky...
- What's shaking, toots?
Uh, I mean, bark.
- Bouncy...
- I dribble in two ways.
- And dr. Rip studwell.
- You look hot and bothered.
I'm writing you a prescription for more me.
- Anyway, snow wanda, you can hide
From your landlady in our kitchen.
It's so messy, she'll never find you there.
- And maybe while you're in there,
You could do some cleaning.
I can't see my handsome face in any of the reflective surfaces.
- What?
- You know, wash a few dishes, mop the floor,
Maybe clean out the refrigerator.
Barky made some homemade guacamole
That smells like a bowl of throw-up.
- Look at it this way-- if you pretend to be
Our housekeeper, no one will be suspicious.
- Well, I guess if it'll keep me
Out of the tooth fairy's clutches.
- Oh, I see what we're doing.
Perhaps she should hide in the laundry room and do a load.
I've been going commando for weeks,
And snappy won't let me borrow his diapers.
- Your square butt will stretch them out.
- I have a better idea.
Snow wanda should move my weights
From the basement to the attic.
- No, clean my room.
- No, do my laundry.
- No, unstretch my diaper.
- Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Now who's the fairiest of them all?
- Oh, it's you.
Just kidding, it's still snow wanda.
- What? But I drove her out of town.
- No, you drove her a block away to the seven fairies' house.
See? - Oh, no.
With her around, I'll never get prince john.
Well, you know what they say.
- That talking to a mirror is the first sign of insanity?
- No, if at first you don't succeed,
You poison someone with a caramel apple.
- No one says that. - I just did.
- [Groans]
Now how exactly is the front yard a good hiding place?
- I see your point.
Just put on this ski mask and keep mowing.
- Hello there, you look like you could use a snack.
- And you look like you could use a shave.
- Here, have a glowing caramel apple.
- Mmm, this is deliciou--
- [Laughs evilly]
- Oh, no, what have you done to our sl*ve?
I mean that poor girl we took in and helped.
- I poisoned her.
Now nothing will stand between me and prince john.
- Wake her up, or the homeowners' association
Will fine us for having an unconscious girl on our lawn,
Again.
- I couldn't wake her up even if I wanted to,
Which I don't.
She can only be woken up by a kiss
From her one, true love.
- Did anyone hit it off with the cleaning lady?
If so, kiss her.
She hasn't moved my weights yet.
- [Gasps] the prince is here.
Out of the way, plunger head, I'm looking for prince john.
- You found him, except I'm cosmo,
The prince of johns.
I sell high-end toilets.
- You're prince john?
But you're supposed to be handsome and rich.
- Well, I am flush with cash, get it?
Toilet humor.
[Laughter]
- Okay, I am not marrying you.
If you'll excuse me, I have a mirror to break.
- Ooh, a pretty lady.
Bigger ooh! She's got caramel on her lip.
Must be my lucky day.
Mwah!
Beautiful maiden, how would you like to be
My queen of latrines?
- I don't know what that means,
But anything beats hanging out with these clowns.
And that's how snow wanda met her prince.
- I got to say, those fairy tales
Are pretty good, considering they had characters
Who didn't fart or burp.
- That's what you think.
Wanda didn't read the part after cosmorella ate
The mini pizzas at the bowling ball.
- Speaking of mini pizzas, I could go for a bedtime snack.
- How about a foopy meal?
Eat it fast, because I'm kicking you out
To build a fast foop restaurant in your room.
- Sure, foop, but first, how would you like
A glowing caramel apple?
- Is it free? - Yep.
- Don't mind if I do.
Sleep, snore, sleep--
- He's gonna be here awhile 'cause I am not kissing him.
- And we all lived happily ever after.
- My diaper is all stretched out.