10x20 - Goldie-Crocks and the Three Fair Bears/Fancy Schmancy

[bunniefuu]

[jazzy music]

- ♪ Timmy's still an average kid ♪

♪ That no one understands

♪ Chloe's his new neighbor

♪ And she's ruining all his plans ♪

- Ahh!

- ♪ All the wishes

♪ In the world

♪ So why should he care?

♪ Jorgen has reported there's a fairy shortage ♪

♪ So Timmy has to share

♪ His OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

- More than one? - This should be fun!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Feather suit, nature boots, laser sh**ting, rescue ♪

- World peace, kale treats,

bunny feet, real neat!

- What? No! Leave me alone!

My fairies! Get your own!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Timmy, beware, you'll have to share ♪

♪ Your fairly OddParents

- Yeah, right!

[upbeat music]

♪

- [trumpeting]

Attention, Squirrely Scouts!

In order to earn our Wilderness Survival Badges,

we have to cling to life till dawn in the most desolate,

and some say cursed, part of the Dimmsdale National Forest!

[eagle shrieks]

- I feel scared and hopeless!

- Ooh, looks like we're already cursed...with a cry baby!

Be a man like me, Ricky.

- Uh, Dad? Question on the man thing:

what's with the flowing blonde hair?

- That's your dad? I was feeling empowered

'cause I thought we had a strong woman scout leader.

- No, silly Chloe, I'm neither strong nor a woman.

My hair's like this 'cause I accidentally used

Timmy's mom's shampoo.

Then to really make my look pop,

I used her mascara!

- Bleeeh. - Songbirds keep landing on me

because they think I'm a fairy tale princess.

They're sewing me a dress for the ball!

- Okay, back to the real world.

We're starving. Where's our camping supplies?

- [laughs] They're all around us!

In order to earn our Wilderness Survival Badges,

we have to live off the land!

- Does that mean we have to eat land?

- You may have to, Stuart. I had four club sandwiches

on the bus.[burps]

[rumbling]

I burped, and now I'm hungry again!

[crying]

- Don't worry, guys... and Princess Crazy.

I was a Junior Navy Seal as a toddler.

In addition to being able to disarm an enemy assailant

underwater, I also learned to make a mean bark jerky.

- You're mean! I want real food.

We're gonna die!

- Dad, it's all your fault! This was your idea!

- I have a lot of bad ideas.

You boys and Timmy stay here.

I'm gonna take this sharpened stick and hunt

for club sandwiches!

[playful music]

[relaxing music]

- You are gonna love my bark jerky.

A big thanks to Stuart, who let me salt it with his tears.

- [crying] You're welcome.

Those squirrels are eating better than us!

[both munching]

They're having veal Parmesan!

- Cosmo, Wanda, what do you guys think you're doing?

- Oh, just normal squirrel stuff:

Eating yummy Italian food and doing some online banking.

- We're not trying to earn Survival Badges,

so we don't have to eat revolting wood chips.

- Speaking of Stuart, Heimlich him.

He's choking on his bark!

- [choking]

[spits]

- [choking]

- My dad's gone sandwich hunting, and we're eating trees.

This whole dying in the woods thing is not my style.

Let's do camping the Timmy way-- without the camping part.

[fanfare]

Now this is not camping!

- Everything but camping is not camping, Timmy.

Wait a minute, did I just make sense?

- It had to happen eventually.

The odds were on your side.

- This is awesome! There's a chocolate fountain,

a hot tub, and an all-you-can-eat buffet

with unlimited bread sticks!

[munching]

- Eh--I smell unlimited bread sticks!

If I don't get food, I'm gonna die!

I gotta get to the river and spear a club sandwich.

I'd even settle for a fatty pastrami on a raisin bagel.

That's how desperate I am!

[sniffs]

Ooh, cartoon-like aroma waves. They should lead to food!

- So, Mr. Crocker, tell me you brought us to

your mother's alone-time cabin 'cause you figured out a way

to return us Fair Bears to our rightful home in Happy Hollow.

- Don't be ridiculous. As usual, this is all about me.

- But that's not f-fair!

- Life's not fair, Fair Bear!

One look into Mother's eyes will tell you that.

Anyhoo, I got us a gig to play

Goldicrocks and the Three Bears at the Dimmsdale Storybook Land

theme park!

- We can do better than that!

- Think again, Better Bear!

You're unemployed cartoon characters from a canceled

preschool show who were poofed into the real world by fairies!

The only other job you'd be qualified for is doing PSAs

about forest fires!

This is a fantastic opportunity

to make minimum wage while getting to scare children

at the same time.

Let's run our lines.

As my flaxen hair might suggest, I'm playing Goldicrocks.

- My porridge is too hot.

- My porridge is too cold.

- My porridge...has an off-putting texture.

- Your acting has an off-putting texture!

[beeping]

Gadzooks, my Fairy meter's going off,

which means Turner's fairies are nearby!

- This is fantastic, Fair Bears!

Fairy magic could be our ticket back to Happy Hollow.

- Whatever floats your boat! I'll capture the fairies

and use their magic to wish for some new bears who can act!

[beeping]

- Here, club sandwiches!

Ooh, rehearsal porridge.

[munching]

Aah! This one's too hot!

[munching] Ooh, this one's too cold.

Ehh! This one has

an off-putting texture. I'm gonna die!

- Here comes dessert!

It's bark jerky sweetened with nature's candy: tree sap!

Wait a minute. Cartoon-like aroma waves?

Timmy!

- [munching]

This is the life!

Getting that Survival Badge is gonna be a piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, I want more cake!

[ping]

[pop]

[munching]

- Whoops, I dropped my plate.

Good thing veal Parmesan floats.

Oh, uh-oh, I also deleted my bank account.

There goes $ . and a bag of buttons.

- He keeps buttons in the bank!

- I'm with Goldman Slacks.

- Timmy!

I can't believe you're cheating!

Is that cake? Don't give me any!

- Oh, uh, sorry, Chloe.

Timmy made a wish, and we had to grant it.

There wasn't anything in it for me, besides the tiramisu.

- And Terry the masseur.

- Oh, hey.

- As sworn members of the Squirrely Scouts,

we agreed to live by a code of honor.

And as sure as my name is Chloe Erin Brockovich

Seabiscuit Carmichael, we're gonna get that badge

fair and square!

Cosmo, Wanda,

poof all this away!

[ping]

- Ow!

- Sorry, Timmy.

The only thing you'll be eating are wood chips seasoned

with Stuart's sadness. And just to make sure

you don't cheat again, I wish that Cosmo and Wanda

had no more magic for the rest of the day!

[fanfare]

- Ahh! - Oof!

- Terry and my tiramisu are gone!

I'm gonna die!

[beeping]

- Bad news, bears. It was a fairy false alarm!

Your dreams of going home have been crushed.

La-dee-dah! Back to the cabin to rehearse.

And this time with acting!

- My foot's cramping. I miss Terry!

- And I miss my buttons! Especially the ones that

hold up my gold man slacks.

- This is a nightmare! I'm lost in the woods

without magic or cake! How could this get any worse?

And there's my answer.

- Oh, no! It's the Fair Bears

and Mr. Crocker's unsightly twin sister.

- Eee, that porridge was terrible.

- Gah! Someone's in the cabin!

I just hope it isn't Mother with one of her hippy boyfriends.

If you smell incense, cover your eyes!

- Oh, no, my crazy, blonde dad's in trouble,

and I don't have magic to help him!

- Or buttons!

- [grunting] Ew, this bed is too soft.

Aah! This bed is too hard!

Mm... and this bed

has a mismatched bed skirt and duvet!

I'm gonna die! [door opens]

- Someone's been eating my porridge,

despite its off-putting texture.

- Oh! It's the real Goldilocks!

And she's really let herself go.

- The Fair Bears? I thought you were canceled

after your mediocre Easter special.

- Oh, I'll let the porridge thing slide,

but no one insults our mediocre Easter special!

- [screams]

[dramatic music]

[screams] - [growls]

♪

[splat] - Ow.

- Wait, that's not Mr. Crocker's unsightly sister.

That's just unsightly Mr. Crocker.

- That's Goldicrocks to you! Or at least it will be when

I'm the main event at Dimmsdale Storybook Land.

- I don't know what that means!

Just leave my crazy, blonde dad alone!

♪

- It's okay, Timmy! If I remember the story

correctly, soon the bears' carriage will turn back

into a pumpkin, and I'll marry the prince.

Where's that dress, songbirds?

- That's the wrong fairy tale, you twit!

Now listen up, Fair Bears!

In the darker, German version of "The Three Bears,"

you eat Goldilocks while playing chess with death!

- We don't eat people, unless they're basted with

a nice lemon-dill reduction.

- Basting them makes them better.

- I'll pre-heat the oven! FYI: you're gonna need

to eat the kids, too. They're bound to report this,

and I can't be caught in the woods wearing a wig again.

I've already got two strikes from the Dimmsdale School Board.

- Timmy, what time is it?

- Well, Chloe, normally it would be time for the fairies

to save us, but thanks to your stupid no magic wish,

it's time for us to be bear food!

- Okay, I deserve that. But it'll be midnight

in a few seconds, which means the day's technically over,

which means the fairies can use their magic again!

- I miss magic. And buttons.

- Yay! Oven's preheated!

Hop in, Timmy's dad and kids.

- We have to figure out a clever way to stall.

- Aah! Ooh!

[crash]

- Aah!

- [groaning]

[coo-coo, coo-coo]

[fanfare]

- Cosmo, Wanda, it's midnight!

- Really? I got : .

- Just poof us out of here!

[ping]

- [trumpeting]

Congratulations, Squirrely Scouts!

You earned your Wilderness Survival Badges!

Now that I think about it, I could have just handed these

out at the beginning of the day. No one would have checked.

- Well, this turned out great. Except for all the bad parts.

And now I think it's time to poof the Fair Bears

back to Happy Hollow so they don't eat anyone.

- Oh, Mr. Crocker's gonna be disappointed.

His Goldicrocks act won't be the same

without the Fair Bears!

- I wonder what he was doing in the woods with a wig

the first two times.

- Mr. Crocker can still perform

at that theme park without 'em.

Cosmo, Wanda, replace the Fair Bears with real bears.

- Show time, you simpletons!

Time to make people forget about that mediocre Easter special!

[ping]

[all growling]

- Gah! Real bears!

Wait, how are you guys at acting?

[all roaring]

[screams]Mother!

Gah-geh! [chomp]

Luckily, I have an off-putting texture.

[jazzy music]

♪

- It took six months, but I'm finally gonna finish

this useless tower of cards!

[air horn blows] [screams]

- Surprise, Timmy!

- Aah!

My wasted time is now a waste of time!

- Happy friend-aversary!

- Eh, that's a thing?

- It is if I say it is!

- Hey, guys, I sound like this now because I'm full of helium.

- You always sound like that.

- Are you saying I've always been a balloon?

Why didn't somebody tell me?

- Anyway, in honor of our three-month anniversary

of being best friends in the whole wide world,

I got us matching high powered binoculars with night-vision!

- Weird choice of gift, but hey, they'll be perfect for sneaking

into Mr. Crocker's room at night and rearranging his furniture.

I can see it now...

- [snores]

Gah! Someone put my bed on the ceiling!

Gah, mother!

- Actually, I was thinking we use the binoculars

to go owl watching.

Did you know there are over

species of owls in the world?

My goal is to see all of them.

Not just the species, but every single owl!

- As my friend-aversary gift to you, I will let you do

the weird owl thing on your own and then tell me about it

while I rearrange Mr. Crocker's furniture.

- I hate Weird Owl and his terrible bird song parodies,

especially "Owl I Need is a Miracle."

It's a miracle you ever got a record deal, Weird Owl.

Ooh, look, a box of nails.

Yay, nails are fun!

[together] Aah!

- Oh, Timmy!

This is the greatest day ever.

[both scream]

In honor of being chosen as the newest member of

the Fancy Schmancy Country Club,

I'm the centerfold in "Filthy Rich Magazine"!

- Congratulations, Timmy's Dad, for being so schmancy and all.

- Yeah, congrats, Dad. More importantly,

how can we make your schmanciness work for me?

- Duh!

Your whole life will be schmancier!

But with great schmanciness comes great responsibility.

Now that everyone knows we're in the country club,

they're going to expect us to live the filthy rich lifestyle!

First up, renovating our lake house!

- But we don't have a lake house.

- We do now, Timmy. I flooded our street.

[both gasp]

[laughs]

How do you like my solid gold, noise-polluting jet ski, hmm?

It runs on the sweat of the less fancy schmancy!

[vroom]

- Your dad seems to have gotten the schmancy thing down,

but the responsibility part, not so much.

Although he was responsible for flooding the street.

[both scream]

- Yeah, let's ponder that

at the all-you-can-eat ice cream buffet

at the country club.

- Even though I would prefer fruit-sweetened

ice milk, I'm in!

- Oh, no, you're not! Don't take this the wrong way,

Kelly, but they won't let you in, being that you're low-rent

riffraff and all.

Can I borrow some sweat to power my jet ski?

- Uncool, schmancy Dad. That riffraff is my best friend.

- Yeah! - Oh, please, Timmy.

She lives in a flooded-out dump!

[together] You flooded it!

- Is this climate change or just the work of an idiot

who flooded the street?

- It's the work of an idiot, thank you.

A rich idiot--so there!

- Chloe Wolfgang Puck Captain And Tennille Carmichael,

get away from that rich idiot, and doggie paddle

to your co-parents.

- But Timmy and I want to celebrate out friend-aversary.

- Uh-uh, listen to your mother. The Turners are a bad influence.

They are selfish, snobby, and some naughty words

your mother won't let me say.

- And unlike Mr. Turner, we don't flaunt our money.

We give it to Charity...

the crazy cat lady who lives in her car.

[cats meowing] - Ugh, this sack feels light.

- Come, Chloe, your friendship with Tommy is over.

- Aah! - Come, Tommy!

- Aah! - Your friendship with Shonda

is over! - I don't know who

Tommy and Shonda are, but I don't think

we'll be celebrating our friend-aversary, Chloe.

- Bye, Timmy.

[solemn music]

[sprightly music]

- Aah!

- Timmy, I know you miss your riffraff friend, Chantal,

but you'll forget all about her once you get a taste of

the Fancy Schmancy Country Club.

[spitting]

And I mean that literally, because the kids' area has

a hot tub full of mac 'n cheese!

Go on, taste it, Timmy!

- Yes! Boo-yah!

[laughs] [munching]

I have to admit, this is the best hot tub mac 'n cheese

I've ever had while wearing a tuxedo.

- Oh, Timmy, things get so much schmancier!

There's a root beer lazy river, a room where you get dipped

in gold, and, if you survive, virtual reality game helmets

with your favorite game: "Hillbilly Road Rage"!

- Yeehaw!

- It's like I'm really in the game!

[sniffs] I can actually

smell the hillbillies!

- [squeals] Ooh, ah, ooh, whee!

I'm in a money monsoon! I feel so schmancy.

Gimme, gimme, gimme! Ow--paper cut.

- I can't let your mother have all the fun.

I'm gonna go dip myself in gold!

See ya later...maybe!

- Normally, I'd be lovin' sitting here in a vat of

warm cheese, but there's something missing.

[knocking]

Chloe! - Timmy!

What kind of friend-aversary is this?

We only have six hours left to celebrate.

It's been so lonely owl watching without you!

- Not to mention terrifying. Who knew?

Owls att*ck you when you try and pet their babies.

[owl hooting]

- Yeah, the whole owl thing is nuts.

We should sneak you inside, so we can celebrate

our friend-aversary here. Cosmo, poof Chloe into

a fancy schmancy disguise.

[ping] - Ah!

- My bad--when I said Cosmo, I meant Wanda.

[ping]

[alarm blares] - Riffraff Alert.

Riffraff Alert.

- Eh--get in the safe room! There's been a riffraff breach!

[dramatic music]

Timmy, I told you not to hang out with that Clarice girl.

- No, you told me not to hang out with Chantel!

But her name is Chloe, and she's my best friend!

- You're fancy schmancy now. You need to hang out with

schmancy and sophisticated people like me.

Ooh, look, my underpants are gold!

[laughs]

- [hooting] - [sighs]

I just spotted my th species of owl,

but it's just not the same without Timmy here being bored.

- [yawns] I don't know.

I think I've been doing a pretty good job filling in for him.

- Well, speaking of owls, Weird Owl's Christmas album

is the worst! I particularly hate

"Owl I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth."

Owls don't even have teeth! What nerve--I hate them!

[splat]

- Hello?

- Oof.

- Sorry.

Chloe, I'm here to celebrate

our friend-aversary. We still have a few hours

of stupid owl time left before it's dark,

and we can do the fun furniture thing with Mr. Crocker.

- Oh, Timmy, you left your schmancy life for me?

And are those golden underpants you're holding?

- Yeah, they're your friend-aversary present.

You can buy an un-flooded house with them.

I had to use a crow bar to get 'em off my dad.

- Ooh, or I could give them to Charity!

[cats meowing]

- What, no matching gold socks?

Cheap-Os!

- Cosmo, Wanda, poof me up to Chloe!

- They can't hear you, Timmy.

Wanda's asleep and Cosmo's hate-listening

to Weird Owl. Climb up this lanyard

I made at Over Achievers camp.

[fanfare]

- Filthy rich alert. Filthy rich alert.

- Super alarm voice, Clark. As for you, Tommy,

keep your fancy schmancy fanny away from our daughter!

[snip] - Aah!

- [roars]

- Whoa, yah!

- Wow, Timmy jumped the shark like Weird Owl.

[phone ringing]

- ♪ Happy friend-aversary happy friend-aversary ♪

♪ Even though we can't be together ♪

♪ Because I'm riffraff

♪ And you're schmancy

- There's no way we can celebrate our friend-aversary

unless we can find a place where the schmancy and riffraff

can live together as one.

- If only there was someone who was both schmancy and riffraff

who could unite the two sides.

[cats meowing]

- I'm queen of the world!

Hey, don't Bogart that tuna, Frisky!

- A woman with gold underpants on her head,

sharing tuna with cats?

We found our schmancy riffraff!

[jazzy music]

[cats meowing]

♪

- Once Charity buys the club, everyone can be a member,

and no one will be able to keep us apart.

- And we can finally celebrate our friend-aversary.

I present to you the grand opening

of the new Schmancy Riffraff Club!

- And here comes the riffraff.

- [puffing]

[puffing]

- Chloe, check out our new alternative energy,

wind-powered car.

It worked great until your father

hyperventilated and blacked out.

- Mom and Dad, welcome to a club where all are welcome!

[whack]

[all screaming]

- Get out! You're not welcome!

[both screaming]

- Good for you, Charity.

Throw out the schmancies!

Come on, Clark, let's march through those doors

with our heads held high.

[siren blares] - People alert.

People alert.

- You're not welcome, either.

This club's only for me and my cats.

[cats meowing]

They're saying they're better than you in cat talk.

- What kind of world is this where rich people

are less important than cats and riffraff?

I miss my golden underpants!

- You're bad, Charity. You're rotten to the core!

[all hissing]

[slam]

- Well, this took a weird turn. But at least we're all kicked

out together, which means Chloe and I can finally celebrate

our friend-aversary.

- Co-parents, now that you have been judged by Charity,

I hope you've learned a lesson about judging others.

- Silly little Clara, parents don't learn from their mistakes.

- Chloe has a point. And Clark would agree with me

if he were conscious. We were wrong to keep you away

from Tommy and his filthy, sleazy family of bad people.

- Time to re-arrange Crocker's furniture!

Hey, where's Cosmo and Wanda?

- We're in here, Tommy. I'm a fan of any club that

doesn't allow Weird Owl.

- I hate owls!

- [snoring]

[rooster crows]

[yawns] Time to get up and listen to

a little Weird Owl before school.

Gah! Someone put my bed on the ceiling!

Mother! Aah--why?

[together] Happy friend-aversary!

- [hooting]

[banjo music] [ping]

[jazzy music]

♪