Honey came in, and she
caught me red-handed ♪
Creepin' with the girl next door ♪
Picture this, we
were both butt-naked ♪
Banging on the bathroom floor ♪
How could I forget that I
had given her an extra key? ♪
All this time, she
was standing there ♪
She never took her eyes off me ♪
But she caught me on the counter ♪
It wasn't me ♪
Saw me banging on the sofa ♪
It wasn't me ♪
I even had her in the shower ♪
It wasn't me ♪
She even caught me on camera ♪
It wasn't me ♪
She saw the marks on my shoulder ♪
It wasn't me ♪
Hear the words that I told her ♪
It wasn't me ♪
Heard her scream getting louder ♪
It wasn't me ♪
It was you, Bumper.
You stole my song
and now you've stolen my future.
Heidi.
Oh, my God.
And now my hands are feet?
Welcome ♪
In Berlin ♪
Dank dank dank-dank-dank ♪
Danke schön ♪
Welcome ♪
In Berlin ♪
Dank dank dank-dank-dank ♪
Danke schön ♪
Oh, good, you're here.
I've been trying to reach you all night.
I tried everything the phone
Okay.
Look, so I got here super early
to try to get your usual order.
But I don't speak German,
so I just pointed at things
until they handed me this
rag for the milk steamer.
Is this what you normally order?
Did I do good? Can I feel better?
- Ein latte, bitte.
- Hey, you know what? I'll pay.
Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.
I wouldn't want to take
something that belonged to you.
Okay, so acts of service are
not your love language noted.
Look, I am so sorry.
I just I started singing
your song, and it was so good,
and everyone said I needed to
impress Thea in order to have
any hope of making it to Unity Day,
and it all just happened so fast.
You know what? It's fine.
Let's just move on, okay?
I can write another song.
If you need that one
so bad, you can have it.
Okay, if I just listen
to the words you're saying
and not the tone, it seems pretty good.
I think if you, like, liked me again,
that might be more fun
than being mad at me.
'Cause are you having fun?
'Cause I'm not having fun.
Oh, I'm not mad.
I am just disappointed in
a way that makes me feel
like I should never believe
anyone or anything ever again.
So two big pieces of news.
First news, bad.
The former love of my life, Gisela,
just tweeted out that
she's doing a big show
in Friedrichshain tomorrow.
If we don't stay competitive,
she's gonna get that newcomer spot.
I admit that seeing my former
lover in the flesh recently
has stirred up some feelings
for her in my own flesh.
Ooh, to feel her skin
on my skin would
well, that would be magic indeed.
But that could never happen.
"Sleeping with the Enemy" is
merely a 1991 Julia Roberts film,
not a documentary about my real life.
But, anyway, moving on to
second news, which is good.
There is a talk show that's
had a last-minute cancellation.
- Wait, wait, don't tell me.
- I have to tell you.
It's the whole point
of me talking right now.
I sent a demo to "Sour Pickles,"
and they want to talk with
you at the taping today.
Yes!
Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"?
It's an immensely popular talk show
that breaks new musicians while
they eat very sour pickles,
and they are soaking up
the brine for your song.
They like the song that much?
The people in charge of Unity Day
are going to love seeing you
perform your original song
on this popular show.
They tend to follow the trends.
Whew, this is such a great opportunity
to debut this Bumper banger.
Is that what we're calling it?
I don't like that title.
And you're sure it's
the song from last night?
Yes, t-the one you wrote last night.
Thea will back you up live.
You'll answer a few questions
while eating pickles.
I hope you have a sour tooth.
You know
I feel the more I think about it,
the more I think that that song sucks.
Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a
good song, but it sucks.
What? The song is great.
It's what got Thea on board.
We love it, and soon all
of Germany will love it.
They'll be playing it at
every charming Christmas market
and completely free day-care center
all across this great land.
Ah, don't second-guess yourself.
If this appearance goes well,
you're gonna be way ahead
of Gisela on the race for Unity Day.
And if you get nervous,
just talk about how
much you love Germany.
And we'll all be there together,
because teamwork makes the cream
"thirk."
Like, it "thirkens" it up?
Is this is the phrase?
Oh, I bet it is.
Eh, I'll Google it.
So that's Uh
Listen, we are about
to perform together,
and I want this to be good.
So tell me what is bothering you,
so we can get it over with
and never have to have a
personal conversation again.
It's nothing, nope.
You clearly want to talk.
You're like a teen boy
who just saw "Fight Club."
So out with it.
Okay, fine.
Hypothetically, I made a girl mad at me.
Like, I stole her
staircase?
I did a bad thing, all right?
Which, fine, guilty as
charged, but then I apologized,
which is the thing
you're supposed to do,
and she's still upset it's not fair.
An apology doesn't
guarantee forgiveness.
Sometimes people are just mad.
I am mad every day at
the idea of spelling.
How dare words tell
me what to do, right?
- Hi!
- Hello.
Um
Bumper Allen and DJ Das
Boot for "Sour Pickles."
Yeah, Miss Boot, please go upstairs.
Thank you.
Every time I messed up in the past,
everyone was just like,
"Oh, that's just Bumper being Bumper,"
and they forgave me immediately.
I never would take out the trash.
Bumper being Bumper.
Put chili in the Keurig.
That's just Bumper being Bumper.
Got the lawyer wet.
Bumper being Bumper.
I just wish everyone liked
me so I could feel good.
You're clearly not going to stop talking
until I pretend to care.
It seems like you're only interested
- in making yourself feel better.
- Mm-hmm.
For once, try thinking about
someone else's feelings.
Wow. Me think about someone else?
Okay, uh
the only other person
I can think of right now
is Clarence Thomas?
I don't even remember who that is.
Bumper
just sing.
One day they'll know my name ♪
One day they'll know my name ♪
One day I'm gonna
make it out this room ♪
I don't have nothing to lose ♪
I'll be patient 'cause
I know it's on the way ♪
One day they'll know my name ♪
Wow.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Thank you.
Well, it's a beautiful
song you've written.
And it really is for everybody.
- Yes.
- Little kids,
airline gate attendants,
scuba treasure hunters
everyone.
So let's now move on to the interview.
Bumper, you will eat
increasingly sour pickles
- while you answer questions.
- Okay.
So please take up your first pickle.
- Okay.
- Question number
Before we get to
munching, I do have, um
This looks delicious. Thank you.
But, um, I do have one
thing that I'd like to say.
I didn't actually write that song.
All the credit goes to Heidi
Fraren?
Wait, Heidi wrote that song?
You're Heidi.
Yeah, I just, uh
I was just messing
around with something.
Well, that is quite a revelation.
You did not write this song?
Pickle number two.
Moving on quick, okay.
But your manager, Pieter Kramer,
told us that you conjured
it out of thin air.
Pickle me this, did famous
liar Pieter Kramer lie again?
- Oh, no.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Absolutely not.
- No.
- No, this is my fault.
- See, we
- So you misinformed Pieter,
and he never lied?
Pickle number three.
Uh, yeah, well, I wouldn't say
This one's got a little pep to it.
I wouldn't say that he never lied.
I mean, he lies,
'cause he lied to get me
to move to Germany, but
Oh, my God.
What is he doing?
Well, you have heard it here first.
Disgraced mouth-musician-
turned-mouth-manager
Pieter Kramer lies again.
No, no, okay, let's, let's
Oh, yeah, this is really sour.
Let's switch topics
and talk about how happy
I am here in Germany,
'cause it's great
the high-speed trains,
low-interest home loans I've been told?
And that hottie Angela Merkel
whoo, wouldn't mind
twerking on that Merk.
Do you think it's
appropriate to say that
about our former chancellor?
Chancellor? I hardly know her.
But I will by the end of
the day, know what I mean?
Well, congratulations, Bumper Allen.
Your various gaffes mean
it is time for our segment
"You Have Gotten Yourself
in a Horrible Pickle."
Now say it with me.
Good luck getting out of this one!
Let's just review what happened.
We went in to promote your song
and show the world how charming you are.
We left with you admitting
it wasn't your song at all,
which you didn't even
promote because you were all
too busy assassinating my reputation
and objectifying Angela Merkel?
Can I please have a chair?
No. Chairs are for good boys.
This is gonna set you way back
with the Unity Day bookers.
No one is gonna take you
seriously when that comes out
or me seriously.
I was just trying to do right by Heidi.
Oh, well, you didn't,
because now the debut of my
first song ever is a PR disaster.
I'm never gonna outrun my shameful past.
This is gonna bring
us so much bad press,
while Gisela just Rollerblades her way
all the way to the
newcomer spot unimpeded
and, in all likelihood, braless.
You
you are incredibly talented.
But I'm out.
If anyone who is not Bumper needs me,
I'll be at my favorite
abandoned factory.
Maybe I should resign, stop
trying to rehab my image.
I'm gonna have to live
off German unemployment.
How am I supposed to survive on
90,000 euros a year with benefits?
No.
No, okay?
You can't quit. You can't give up on me.
I will fix this.
- Oh kay.
- Oh, da.
No, shut up, listen. Listen to me.
I'm gonna fix this.
I will talk to the hosts.
I will explain everything,
and they'll k*ll the episode,
and they'll probably give me
a do-over, maybe even a medal.
I'll fix it. I'm gonna fix it.
Oh, God.
Cool. It's like a scary adult preschool.
You came.
I'm sorry. Is it okay?
I just needed a change of scenery.
This is a safe space emotionally.
Physically, it's full of tetanus.
Oh. Eh
So
how are you feeling?
Uh, I don't know.
Not good.
I know Bumper was just
trying to do the right thing,
but he messed up my whole plan
write songs in secret for decades,
release one perfect album,
and then walk away while I'm on top
to become a self-righteous
animal rights activist.
Wow.
You got the next six years planned out.
- Yeah.
- Sounds hard.
I don't even know how I'm
gonna end this sentence.
Basketball, milkshake, Denmark.
I've always been this way.
There were just so many things
that I couldn't control
when I was a little kid
moving around all the time.
I am literally allergic to chaos.
My head swells up like a beach ball
if someone changes a dinner reservation.
That's no way to live a life.
Mm.
That changes today.
Eccentrics, gather around.
It's time to fix an American.
Oh, have you guys done this before?
Stranger danger.
Heidi being mad at me
worst feeling I've ever
felt in my entire life,
and I've had hemorrhoids
before and also now.
Wait, you're not still
mad at me, are you?
- Please say no.
- Well, I'm angry at
The situation? Me too.
This situation is so bad.
Me, Bumper I'm a good guy.
Frankly, this situation
can hike up a volcano
and dip the tip in lava.
I'm glad we're on the same page, Pieter.
Hello.
Um, Pieter Kramer, Bumper Allen.
We're just going back up to
the "Sour Pickles" studios.
I'm sorry, guys, but
your appointment is over.
I cannot let you up.
Okay, I'll make a distraction,
then you make a run for it, okay?
Oh, my God, that man has a g*n!
Where would he get a g*n?
This is Germany, guys.
Stupid, safe, wonderful country.
Okay. Heidi
give me a tattoo
of anything you want.
What? No.
I don't know how to tattoo someone.
Guess what. I don't care.
Put your worst art ever out there.
Nothing you make is ever
going to be as bad as this,
or as permanent.
Where did you even get this pen from?
From the ground?
That's where worms have sex.
If you don't tattoo me in ten
seconds, I will tattoo you.
- Ten
- No you won't.
- Nine
- You're lying.
- Eight
- Okay, okay!
- Se
- Okay.
I will tattoo you.
Take a seat, madam.
Do you want me to do it in
front of all these people?
- Yep.
- Oh, so this is where
where you want me to do?
Okay.
I will do it.
Mm.
Does that hurt?
It seems like it
doesn't hurt her at all.
Oh, mm.
Oh, wow, I am really good at this.
I think I might have found my calling.
This is awesome. Oh, my God, I did it.
I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it!
You did! What is it, though?
A bowling ball?
It's my favorite
actress Sandra Bullock.
Everyone loves Sandy.
See?
You weren't prepared.
You can't fix it.
But you survived.
Though I'm not sure I will.
I think you hit bone.
Oh, this feels amazing.
Normally I don't go anywhere
without an A-plus health grade
and a visible choking-safety poster,
but this is the beginning
of a brand-new Heidi.
Do any of you guys want a tattoo?
I'm a pro now.
- Oh, God, it's Bumper.
- Oh.
"Couldn't even get past the turnstiles.
Gonna drink, bye. Siri,
find the closest bar.
Oh, sh*t, I'm still
texting. Siri, stop texting.
Oh, no, this text is going
to cost me so much money."
You know, my plans are screwed,
and things are already
out of my control.
Maybe I should just improvise.
Yeah.
Let's go save my song.
And you know what?
You know what?
I am finally gonna get
an electric toothbrush.
What am I waiting for, an invitation?
Whoo!
- We have an appointment.
- Of course.
Can you believe it?
I didn't even know that's
what I was going to say
until seconds before I said it
parsnip, injection, catacomb.
And a decent whiskey for the day ♪
When I'm gone, when I'm gone, mm-hmm ♪
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone ♪
You'd never believe it,
but this was, like, a huge deal.
Everyone loved it. They
lost their minds for it.
They loved it?
I don't get it either.
I'm sorry I messed everything up.
So Heidi really wrote that song?
- Heidi?
- Yeah.
It was
magic.
She's worked for me for seven years.
I knew she went to music school,
but she never told me she could do that.
I'm trying to be a
manager. I can't even detect
- talent directly under my nose.
- I know.
My mustache could be Oscar Isaac,
and I wouldn't know.
Maybe I deserve to have
my career destroyed.
Seems harsh.
I guess it's true what they say
you miss 100% of the sh*ts you take.
When the episode comes
out, pin it all on me.
Pin that tall tale on this tall donkey.
Tell them I demanded
you lie about the song.
You can still make Unity Day.
You can still be a star without me.
Pieter, don't talk like that.
Oh, God, now I can't even talk right?
Hey, sad boys. Got big news.
We talked to the hosts
of "Sour Pickles"
Wait, you got into the building? How?
- It wasn't that hard.
- Was it a disguise?
Or you slid underneath the turnstiles,
then whipped out nunchucks
like turtle power?
Shut up. Shut up.
We got "Sour Pickles"
to pull the episode.
All we have to do is have
Pieter give an interview
about Gisela's involvement
in the DSM scandal.
They've heard rumors
that she was responsible,
but they've never been
able to confirm it.
Pieter
is it true?
It's true.
Ultimately, it was my fault.
I was the one who pushed the button,
but, yes, technically,
Gisela was the one
who thought to use the sound machine
for Das Sound Machine.
However, it was I who flipped
it on and I who was caught.
I promised I would never
reveal her involvement.
We were dating and in love at the time.
I did it!
She left me immediately
after the news broke.
And then my heart broke.
Oh.
Pieter, I had no idea.
Why didn't you tell us?
My sense of honor
always outweighed my desire for revenge,
and also, I maybe still
have stupid feelings for her,
which I deal with by doing
1,000 push-ups every day.
Oh, my God, you still love her.
Yes, I know it's shameful,
but I find her so irresistible.
It's the part of me I like the least,
and I have seven nipples,
and they are not where
you think they are.
Okay.
So let me get this straight.
If you do this,
my disaster interview goes away,
and you throw dirt on our
main rival for Unity Day,
and the story makes you
seem more sympathetic,
and it helps repair your reputation,
and it gets you over your toxic ex?
Guys?
Okay, I'll be the one to say it.
This certainly feels
like a "k*ll a bunch of birds
with one stone" situ-aish.
We making down pillows tonight, boys ♪
And girls.
Never do that again.
But maybe he's right.
Gisela deserves everything
that's coming to her.
Gut her, Pieter. End
it once and for all.
This is the right thing to do.
Gisela's your competition.
She's also bad,
even if she also makes me horny
and the thought of
hurting her makes me feel
like I'm wearing someone
else's wet bathing suit.
Oh, why must I still pine
for her sweet sherbet kisses?
What a cruel reality of life
that we can't choose for whom we ooze.
I'm just glad I can do
something to help you, Bumper.
Oh, God.
You can't do this.
What do you mean?
It's not right.
I mean, sure, it would
get me off the hook,
but that's not your job
certainly not at the
expense of your heart.
No.
It's my job.
I mean, you got me here.
You set me on the path to Unity Day.
I have to right this ship.
I mean, it's my dream.
I have to start taking
responsibility for my actions.
Then what are you going to do?
I think I have to do something
I haven't done in a very long time.
What's that?
Try to think of something.
Yeah.
I told my friends I'd fix this, but
I have no idea how.
It's like my coach from the
East German Olympics team
used to say don't do the high jump
if you've taken the
steroids for sh*t put.
Play to your strengths.
Yeah.
Well, the only thing I'm
good at is ruining things.
Wait a minute.
No.
Bumper.
Tell me you didn't call
an emergency team meeting
to get matching jackets.
No, but we should put a pin in that,
because that is a very, very good idea.
Okay, so you know how I
always mess everything up?
- Yes.
- Oh, yes.
Big-time.
Okay, well, what if this time,
I mess something up on purpose
to help us?
Would you guys trust me to do that?
- Yeah, actually.
- Actually, yes.
Thank you.
Because what I have
in store is gonna make
"Sour Pickles" look like small p
pickles.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Hello, my little
Gise-lads and Gise-lasses!
And what's up, all my
Bumper Gump shrimps?
Yes! Bumper Gump shrimps!
- Bumper Gump shrimps!
- Gump shrimps!
Bumper Gump shrimps shrimps
What the hell
do you think you're doing,
you silly little kinder man?
Are you perhaps lost on your way
to one of Berlin's many
world-famous chocolate shops
or museums?
No, I was just thinking,
what if we turn this little concert
into a little riff-off?
Of course you are
challenging me to a whiff-off.
You Americans, you are
obsessed with your whiff-offs.
- Whiff-off?
- Yeah, a whiff-off.
- It's a riff-off.
- Whiff-off.
- Riff-off.
- You said whiff-off.
- I said whiff-off.
- Okay.
And I would love to be
a part of the whiff-off,
but, unfortunately,
the a cappella bylaws
clearly say a "quowum" of a
cappella peers must be "pwesent"
for a whiff-off to be legally binding.
So it's sad, yeah.
It's actually not sad, nein.
It's not sad at all,
because if you were to
reread page 45, paragraph 7,
it clearly states,
"In the case of an
international riff-off
within 100 kilometers
of a fordable river,
the quorum can be waived"!
All right, then, what are the stakes?
If I win,
I get to say whatever I want
to all of your followers
on your livestream.
Ooh!
Okay, and, uh, when I win?
If you win, I will
go back to America
Ooh!
Today.
All right, then, I agree to your terms.
But we are on my home turf,
so the theme is Germany.
You will sing German songs,
and I will sing American songs.
You're about to go down.
Here I am ♪
Rock you like a hurricane ♪
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on! ♪
Here I am ♪
Rock you like a ♪
But I have to charge ♪
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
And they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
Damn right, it's better than yours ♪
I can teach you ♪
I know you want it ♪
The things that makes me ♪
Du hast, du hast mich ♪
Nyah, nyah, nyah ♪
Do what I wanna do ♪
It's my prerogative ♪
Oh, no, no ♪
Don't ask me questions ♪
Why am I so real? ♪
But they don't understand ♪
No one understands
what Major Tom sees ♪
Now the light commands ♪
You're supposed to be helping me.
- I'm coming home ♪
- Four, three, two, one ♪
- Yeah! ♪
- Earth below us ♪
Drifting, falling ♪
You're supposed to be doing my song.
- Floating weightless ♪
- Oh!
Calling, calling ♪
We could be homeless,
we could be broke ♪
As long as you love me,
I'll be your platinum ♪
I'll be your silver,
I'll be your gold ♪
As long as you love ♪
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
No, no ♪
Oh, Gisela.
Ooh, you lose.
What do you mean?
You see, Justin Bieber
is Canadian!
Ooh.
Those were your rules, so
But he lives in America,
and he loves money and fame,
and he peed in the bucket.
And yet his blood runs maple.
Sorry "aboot" it.
Where's the livestream?
Hey!
What's up? I'm Bumper Allen!
Check out my new song,
written by my girl
Heidi Miller!
You are so lucky you have an
ex who is looking after you.
Your career almost ended today.
I know about the thing.
The bathroom looked like that
before I went in there, I swear.
I'm talking about the DSM thing.
Your thing sounds gross.
I won!
- Off.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Pieter just heard that "Sour Pickles"
pulled your interview
since you scooped them
on releasing your song.
Just to say it, I would
love to work with you
whenever you're ready.
We are the most talented here, anyway.
You know it.
Sorry, my tattoo's a little tender.
- Sorry.
- Team, great work today.
And seeing Gisela
glistening up there onstage
inspired me to make a
resolution of the heart.
I deserve better than to be in love
with the very woman who destroyed me.
I will try to have the
self-respect of a man
with way fewer nipples.
From here on out,
I will no longer be
under the spell of Gisela.
From now on, my heart
belongs to you all.
Turtle power.
- Turtle power.
- Turtle power.
Whoo!
Hello, Pieter.
Gisela.
I heard you saved my hide today,
and so I thought you
might as well feel it.