01x05 - Mutterseelenallein

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin". Aired: November 23, 2022 - present.
Spin-off television series following the Pitch Perfect films.
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01x05 - Mutterseelenallein

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, sometimes I go out by myself ♪

And I look across the water ♪

- Whoo-hoo!

- Scheisse!

And I think of all the

things, what you're doing ♪

And in my head, I'll paint a picture ♪

Hey ugh.

Oh, since I've come on home ♪

Well, my body's been a mess ♪

And I miss your ginger hair

and the way you like to dress ♪

Won't you come on over? ♪

Stop making a fool out of me ♪

Why don't you come on over, Heidi? ♪

Heidi ♪

Heidi ♪

Heidi ♪

Hei ♪

Ba ba ba ba ba ♪

Snap out of it, Bumper!

I shower before bed so I'm

always clean when I get in it.

Therefore, my sheets are always clean

because the body in them is clean.

So by transitive property, I

never have to wash my sheets.

- Ah.

- I do not shower.

I trust my sexual

partners to lick me clean.

- Gross.

- That's a lot of trust.


A very equal hello to all of you.

Individually, I am greeting

you all individually,

and no one more than the other.

Hello, Hodie.

I didn't realize you were

going to be here today.

Uh, you didn't

- did you just call me Hodie?

- Did I?

- Yeah.

- You know what I think it is?

It's 'cause I think

about you so infrequently,

it wasn't, like, on

the tip of my tongue.

I sometimes forget it. It's not Hodie?

- It's Heidi.

- OK, now it's back.

Why wouldn't Heidi be here?

Yeah, they were all on the text thread.

OK, why are we hashing

this out right now?

Let's just get down to

business 'cause I, for one,

am here for a business meeting, so

Well. I called you here

to discuss our strategy

for the Unity Day auditions tomorrow.

First things first

Heidi, you have a little eyelash.

- Oh, I do?

- Do you mind if I get it?

Yeah, sure, OK.

Actually, no, it's just a shadow cast

on your perfectly symmetrical

- Bumper!

- Hmm?

- Focus up!

- Yep.

We've been preparing for

this day for months now.

Work mode. Focus up!

Getting focused.

You know what, I need

to feng shui this place

- real quick.

- What?

For me it's like an energy thing

in here right now, if you

guys could just switch places?

- OK.

- Yeah.

- You go over there. Thank you.

- Sit here?

- Sit right where you're at.

- Don't move Sebastian.

To me, this works better.

That's a really good spot, right there.

Carry on.


- Yeah?

- Yep.

Let's go over our likely

panel of judges one more time.

Our toughest judge will be

OK, I know this one.

Um, uh, not my feet, but my Hans.

Yes, Hans Schroeder.

His incisive critique is so sharp,

they call him Edward Scissor-Hans.

Scissor-Hans, that's funny.


- Yogurt?

- That's not mine.


- Ow!

- It wasn't mine.

For the next 24 hours,

I don't want your throat

anywhere near dairy. Understood?

I have to be totally honest.

I eat an ice cream sundae

every morning for breakfast.

- What?

- You know what?

I'll downgrade to a bowl of sprinkles

if it'll help me perform better.

- It will, and thank you.

- You have got this, Bumper.

We've been doing everything right.

Your songs are popular.

That scrappy little

video that we made

without Klaus's help,

thank you very much

it's a h*t, booboo.

You've got this. You've got real fans.

And besides

She called me booboo.

Other than Gisela,

this is basically your

newcomer competition

the Oppenheimer Family Band.

Ugh, I hate family bands.

It's cheating to start a band

with the people you invented.

- Also, they're stupid.

- Ugh.

You've got a great

sh*t tomorrow, Bumper.

All you need to do is focus up.

Yeah, no, totally ficus up.

What the [BLEEP] are you doing?


I cannot believe you

brought us here, Pieter.

This is the best restaurant in Berlin.

This is Bumper's last meal

before he's a superstar.

Food will taste different

to him after tomorrow.

Ooh, isn't that not

my feet, but my Hans?


Oh, yeah, that is Hans Schroeder,

the Unity Day judge. Wow.

How strange that he is

at his favorite restaurant

on his anniversary, which I discovered

by poring over marriage announcements

on newspaper microfiche. What?

You devious little minx of a manager.

This was your plan all along, wasn't it?

Sorry, I'm not good at winking.

OK, I'm going to go put

in a good word for you.

You sit tight.

I'll h*t you with a

signal if he wants to meet.

What what's the signal?

We'll figure it out.

Hans, hello.

Welcome to me, Pieter Kramer.

And please say hello and welcome

to Bumper Allen over there.

Hi, Hans!

Yes, you will be hearing

him with your ears tomorrow.

Ah, yes.

I'm seeing Bumper Allen at last.

What do you think?

Why don't we just skip those auditions

and just get this guy booked, right?

I'm kidding, of course.

Unless that is possible?

This is the artist

formally known as Prawns.

Like Prince.

The judging committee feels

Oh, son of a God dang it!

All right, we'll just

will these sop it up?

- It's not sopping it.

- I don't know.

Miss, hi.

Can I get a T-shirt from the gift shop?

- No.

- Interesting.

cr*cker Barrel has a gift shop.

The judging committee feels Bumper

is not the best representative

of what Germany has to offer.

Then there's you, Pieter.

Your name is still too toxic.

Your personal failings

how do I say this in a kind way?

You make our genitals shrivel up

with rage at your music crimes.

But I'll just be behind the scenes.

You won't even know I'm there.

I can duck in the crowd if that helps?

I'm sorry, but we just can't

be involved in all that.

Bumper is not going to get an audition.

- It's all over. This

was my last chance.

I'm sure there's something

else, some other concert.

That makes no difference.

Try as I might, I clearly

will never outrun my shame.

OK, guys, I think we need

to take a chillaxative, all right?

I will catch up to Hans and

smooth this whole thing out.

You just don't know

when to stop, do you?

I was trying to help you make

a good impression with Hans,

but you just made us all look bad.

- You're blaming me?

- Yeah.

You're like a bumper car,

just bouncing and crashing

into everyone without

a care in the world,

treating Germany like

your private playground,

which, by the way,

is a public playground

because Germany is a wonderful

place to raise a family.

Oh, yeah? Well, we would

have still been in there

eating fancy seafoam

if you hadn't turned

the whole industry against

us with your cheating!

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on now, OK?

So no Unity Day. So what?

We'll just keep working

on Bumper's career

like we have been.

Easy-peasy. We can figure this out.

No, we won't, Heidi.

Not every problem can be solved

by being perky and optimistic.

Yes, they can.

Oh, I am so tired of

humoring you two all the time!

Pieter, hold on.

Is that what you have been doing

all of these years, humoring me?

Is managing me some sort

of pity thing for you?

Well, it definitely wasn't because

of the money I was making.

Oh, God, I'm better off

moving to the country

and cutting off sheep

testicles like my ancestors.

I resign as a manager.

- What?

- Fine!

Then I pre-emptively

f*re you as my manager.

Thea, are you going to say anything?

I'm staying out of this.

- I don't care.

- Oh, of course you don't.

You never care about anything.

Let's just hash this out real quick.

I'm sorry, Bumper.

But everyone's just out for themselves.

You could've stayed in America for that.

You never should have come here.

What shall we toast to?

The German law that states freedom

is a basic human dignity?

Whatever. Does it matter?

My friends hate me and each other,

and all my dreams are d*ad.

Oh, dreams are what your brain

does when it's being lazy.

Yeah, that's true.


Ooh, I didn't like that.

I didn't like that.

I'll take a lemon drop.

But hold the sugared rim.

Since I no longer have to

worry about working hard

or pursuing my dreams,

I can dedicate my life

to drinking and being sad,

which is very close to my dream

of drinking and being happy.


That reminds me of when

the wall was constructed

through the middle of my schoolyard.

It happened so quickly

that many of my friends

were suddenly just on the other side.

I never saw them again.


I'm sorry, I didn't

hear what you just said.

But on top of losing

the chance at Unity Day

and everyone turning on each other,

the real kicker,

even Heidi said I shouldn't

have come to Germany.

I really care for her.

If that's how she feels,

there's nothing I can do.

Well, Bumper, only d*ad

fish go with the flow.

You are so wise.

You're right. This can't be it.

There has to be something I could do.

Oh, I was speaking about a dire problem

regarding the hostel's plumbing,

but I'm glad it also applies here.


German Unity Day Judge Hans Schroeder,

I know you live here,

'cause the internet told me.

I couldn't find a boombox

at this time of the night,

but luckily, I got the greatest boombox

of all time right here,

my dang mouth.

I'll be there for you ♪

These five words I swear to you ♪

I'll be here for you ♪

I'll be there for you ♪

Hans! ♪

Give me a chance, man!

I was put on this Earth

to be a song and dance man.


Uh, you think I messed everything up?

Well, I'll show you how I can

Mess things up.


Draw a little eighth note for you.

Uh-oh, here comes the crescendo.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, Officers.

There was a miscommunication

I can't believe I'm

going to the slammer.

Now Martha Stewart and I

have two things in common.

I also think the secret

is in the marinade.

The only slammer you will be going to

is the one that slams you

with medicine and nice care

the hospital.

In Germany, we take drunk people

to the hospital for a

thorough health evaluation.

We rehydrate them, hmm?

So their hangovers are not

too severe and send them home.

Are you crazy?

I can't go to the hospital.

I don't have any money.

You silly lemon-lipped man!

The hospital is free, of course.

God damn, that shit's funny.

What good is amazing free healthcare

and the humane treatment of

the drunken and disorderly

if you don't have

anyone to share it with?

Lay a whisper ♪

On my pillow ♪

Leave the winter ♪

On the ground ♪

I wake up lonely ♪

There's air of silence ♪

In the bedroom, ooh ♪

And all around ♪

And all around ♪

Touch me now ♪

I close my eyes ♪

- And dream away ♪

- Dream away ♪

Dream away ♪

It must have been love ♪

Must've been love ♪

But it's over now ♪

- But it's over now ♪

- It must have been good ♪

But I lost it somehow ♪

- It must have been love ♪

- Must've been love ♪

But it's over now ♪

It must have been love ♪

I'm going to need another.

The doctors told me to cut you off.


Thank you.

I know you're probably busy

and don't want to hear about

my devastating heartbreak,

both professional and personal.

But I could really use

someone to chat with.

You have complimentary

personalized stationery

next to your bed.

Perhaps you can put your feelings there.

Wait, my Jell-O!

"Dear Hans,

eat my butt."

OK, and that one's done.

"Dear Heidi.

Hey, you."

You have been so supportive of me.

And honestly, I don't

know if I deserve it.

I don't know if I deserve any of you.

I know you said I shouldn't

have come here, but

it is one of the best

decisions I've ever made.

I came to this strange place.

But little did I know,

I was coming home to you.

That was good.

My way home ♪

I'm on my way home ♪

How long have you been here?

Your emergency contact

was a Jersey Mike's

in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

No, that's my friend, Jersey Mike.

His first name is Jersey?

- Yeah.

- OK.

Well, anyway, they found

me under recent calls,

so here I am.

Um, Bumper, I'm so sorry.

I was just frustrated and embarrassed.

You didn't deserve it.

I'm so sorry too.

I forgot how much you do for me

and how much you've been through.

So don't ever feel like you let me down

because I'm the one who let us all down.

Can you just tell Thea

and Heidi that I'm sorry?

Tell them yourself.

Thea and Heidi?

Oh, my God how long have I been here?

Pieter texted you were

having a rough time.

Oh, thank God.

So here we are.

We all made up on the way.

I promised Heidi I would care

about three things a week.

And so far, it's you

and a cool bat I saw.

I feel honored.

And I apologized to Heidi for

projecting my insecurities on her.

She's been nothing but

loyal, and I blew it.

And I apologize for nothing

because I didn't do anything wrong.

- How's that for being less perky?

- Ah.

That's really good.

Bumper, um

I didn't mean what I said.

I was just upset.

I'm so glad you came here.

I have never had friends

like you guys before.

In college, I got my appendix taken out.

Treblemakers didn't

even send me flowers.

To be fair, I did just dox all of them

for singing out of tune.

No future senators in that crew.

A lot of dudes, a lot of buttholes.

A lot of butthole photos.

That wasn't my best or my worst.

I've done some horrible things.

I'm also sorry about what

I said and did and peed.

Well, no matter what,

we all have each other.

Shall we spring you?

Yep, grab all the free shit you can.

Hey, free coat rack.

Oh, shit! We got a leaker!

Hey, I know Unity Day's already ruined,

but there is a silver lining.

I wrote a pretty good song.

You wrote a song?

Yeah, why are we so surprised?

I am turn, turning ♪

Into something

different than before ♪

'Cause every turn I'm turning ♪

Takes me to your door ♪

What if far and away

doesn't feel so far? ♪

Wow. That was incredible, Bumper.

I mean it. None of us

thought you could do that,

never in a million years.

Making art from your pain, huh?

You really are a Berliner.

It seems like you were listening

when I taught you how to write a song.

Well, I had a pretty great teacher.

More bitter rhubarb wine, anyone?

- Sure.

- Yes.

Let's get drunk again.

What's the worst that could happen?

They throw me back in the

most glamorous hospital

I've ever been in,

and then all my best friends show up?

So now that we don't have any

upcoming work events to plan for,

maybe we should all just

have a good time together.

I think I'm hallucinating

due to lack of sleep.

I feel weirdly empowered

by my distorted reality.

I think I'm gonna run for office

when all of this is over.

Uh, cheers.

- Cheers.

- Yes.

OK, I'd vote for you.

Oh, thanks.

Seriously, what is in this?

Rhubarb, salt, and rocks.

You know, I'm still really

bummed about Unity Day.

I feel like Berlin has given me so much.

I just wish I could give

back in some small way.

Well, I wish you could have

the chance to get on stage

at Unity Day to do just that.

That's all that you need?

Don't you young people know

a stage can be anything?

I once performed an entire production

of "Die Fledermaus" on

the back of a hearse.

Wait, Ursula,

are you saying all the world's a stage,

and I'm a freaking player?

Guys, I think we gotta

give Berlin a little prezzy.

Luckily for us, my apartment

building has a kickass roof.

Here are the speakers you requested.

My friend Heinrich

said we can borrow them.

He's owed me a favor

ever since I lent him

one of my cleverest ravens

when he had to solve

that witch's riddle.

All right, Bumper, ready?

My wee-wee! fingers

are getting tired.

OK, any advice as my

manager before I play?


But as your friend,

blow the freaking windows

out of Berlin!

Oh, and as a volunteer fireman,

please stay away from the edge.


Guten tag, Berlin!

My name is Bumper Allen.

Ick liebe d*ck.

Oh, no, a jumper!

Close a Bumper.

I'm walking streets

that do not know me ♪

Passing signs all trying

to show me the way back home ♪

The way back home ♪

A strange man feeling

ever more strange ♪

And still trying to

find a way back home ♪

A way back home ♪

I am turn, turning ♪

Into something

different than before ♪

'Cause every turn I'm turning ♪

Takes me to your door ♪

What if far and away

doesn't feel so far? ♪

What if home's wherever you are? ♪

I'm already home

if I'm where you are ♪

Thank you, Berlin!

Enjoy your morning coffee!

- Whoo!

- That was beautiful, Bumper!

I usually dislike love songs, OK?

But I just imagined you were

singing to a spider or a bat.

- For sure.

- I knew you had it in you.

I'm going to say to

you what my own father

will never say to me.

I am so proud of you,

my son, Pieter Kramer,

and I think you are smart

enough to wear laced shoes.

OK. Yeah.


That's fine. I'll go freely.

I will die for my music.

Thank you.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Bumper Allen, which it is.

We've been holding Unity

Day auditions next door,

and half of our acts left to watch you.

I'm sure that wasn't a coincidence.

Nope, it wasn't.

I figured if the

auditions don't go to us,

we'll go to the auditions.

Wait a second.

This is not your apartment building?

Oh, hell no, dog.

I just followed someone

in because it's next door

to the Unity Day offices.

We rock and rolled

and broke and entered.

Apparently loud in front of them.

Yeah, oops.

Well, it appears Berlin loves your song.

I mean, a lot of those people were

drunk from the night

before, I could tell.

- I was drunk when I wrote the song.

- That's true.

But against all odds, you've

generated genuine enthusiasm.

And you may still be

a controversial figure,

but it's clear you did

a good job with Bumper.

Yes, he did.

He's a great manager and a great friend.

He knows all the coolest

roofs to book me on

and tells me when I have

chocolate on my face,

which is a lot.

I eat a chocolate sundae

every morning for breakfast.

- Classic style.

- He does. He shares.

Fine, we both do it.

You've converted me.

It seems that our country has two

deserving newcomer acts this year.

We'd like to offer you the opportunity

to share the spot with Gisela.

For the first time, we can have two

newcomers in the spirit of unity.


In the spirit of unity.


- I didn't know what to do.

- It works.

- I kind of freaked out.

- That's fine. Toodles.

Oh, my God!


OK, but seriously, now

we have to go because we

- did break and enter.

- Yeah, OK, yep.

Oh, yeah.

Can we just leave everything?

- Just throw it off the side!

- OK.

- Oh! I missed it! All

right, listen, watch this.

Oh, miss it, miss it, miss it.

It only took me 15 tries.

Man, hot dogs in Germany

are so much more fun

than hot dogs in America.

I love slurping me down

some German wieners.

I still can't believe that my client

has secured the coveted

newcomer spot at Unity Day.

You are German like a Grimm brother.

- Wilhelm.

- Oh, yes.

- Because I do not mess with Jacob.

- Nasty.

- Yeah, that guy's a psychopath.

- k*lled several sheep.

Man, I freaking love you, dude.

I love you as well.

That was the first time ever doing that.

- Oh, really?

- It was terrible.

I apologize.

We should, like,

practice it or something.

Allow me to rehearse in the

mirror for several hours tonight.

- You don't have to.

- OK.

I just can't believe we actually did it.

I can.

I always knew you could.

Heidi, I

Bumper Allen.


News of Unity Day must travel fast.

More fans already.

I hope it's not nudes

because I don't have my pen.

Bumper Allen, you are being deported

by the German government.

Wait, what?
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