01x10 - Wednesday Leaves Home

[bunniefuu]

You modernists
are truly exciting.

Darling.

Such sweep, such power,
such majesty!

You have a keen eye.

Well, the left one.

What are you gonna call it?

Spring Song.

Perfect.

Thank you, darling.

Now for the finishing touch.

(SIGHING)

You have such
a delicate touch.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

I just love to hear
the sound of children at play.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

They're really having
a go at it today.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

Those educational toys
are marvelous.

They keep the children
off the streets.

By the way, dear,
Wednesday is celebrating
the loss of her front tooth.

Oh, she looks much
prettier without it.

I think so, too.

FESTER: I've had it!

Morticia, Gomez,
this child has
got to be whacked.

We do not go around
whacking people in this house.

Certainly not
without good reason.

I have a very good reason.

She's been sh**ting off
all of my dynamite caps.

But, darling,
you have dynamite caps
of your own.

But they're not any fun.
They just go "poop."

At your age, a little "poop"
ought to be enough.

Darling,
I'm afraid you're gonna
have to be punished.

Good!
I'll put her over my knee.

No, no, no.

I prefer a punishment
that will leave
an impression on her mind.

Excellent thinking, my dear.

For the next two weeks,

you are forbidden,
absolutely forbidden,
to play with your pet spider.

Not play with Homer?

It may seem harsh, Wednesday,

but you'll be
a better person for it.

You may go now.

(SCOFFS)

Softies.

You think it'll leave a scar?

Oh, nonsense.

In a few days,
she'll be as bright
and chipper as a little bat.

-You're really running
away from home?
-Yep.

Got any money?

12 cents.

Good.
I thought you were broke.

Hey, I know a place
you can run away
to for nothing.

- Where?
- My room.

You can hide there
and just pretend
you've run away from home.

Then I can run away
and still be around
to see them suffer.

Let's go.

Wait.

You can't run away
without leaving a note.

Oh, what'll I say?

I'll think of something.

The question is
where to hang it.

It would just light up
the entire attic.

Darling,
why didn't I think of that?

Mother, Father,
Wednesday's flown the coop.

Talk sense, boy.

She's run away from home.

Really?
Very adventurous spirit.

I didn't run away from home
until I was eight.

That's ridiculous.

She even left a note.
I helped her write it.

"Dear Mother and Father,
I hate you.

"Love, Wednesday.

"P.S. Don't bother
looking for me

"because I'm not anywhere.
Goodbye, W."

Well, why would
the child leave a nice
homey place like this?

You're right.
She's probably
hiding somewhere.

Oh, no.
She's not hiding anywhere.

We'll organize
a search party.

Comb the entire house.

Mother, aren't you
going to drag the rivers?

Tomorrow.
Wednesday's a good swimmer.

Her note was right.
She doesn't seem
to be anywhere.

Unless she's here
in Pugsley's room.

Oh, no. She's not in here.

If you knew
she was running away,
why didn't you stop her?

You know women.

Once they've made up
their minds...

Oh, my little girl.

She's out there
in the world, all alone.

Don't worry, querida mia,
she'll be all right.

She comes of sound stock.

But, darling, even an Addams
can be led into temptation.

Supposing she wanders
on a playground,
tries to teeter-totter.

She may even run away
and join the Brownies.

Gomez,
we've got to call the...

P-O-L-I-C-E.

You mean the fuzz?

What is the "fuzz"?

The bulls.

Thought you had him there,
didn't you?

(RINGING)

Please, Mrs. Tunnel,
don't scream at me,
will you, please?

We, we brought the kid home.

It's up to you
to keep him there.

Yeah, okay, okay.

I'll--I'll put out
another dragnet.

But I'm warning you,
no more helicopters.

You're costing
the city a fortune.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Yes, okay,
thank you very much.

All right, I'm coming.

Sergeant Haley,
Missing Persons.

Well, I have one.

A missing person, of course.

Look, lady.
This is no time for jokes.

Now tell me who's missing,
and give me your address,
please.

My name is Mrs. Addams,
and I want you to find
my little girl, Wednesday.

Look, I'll find her Tuesday,
if I can,

but don't give me
no deadlines,
will you, please?

Wednesday is her name.

Oh, and I suppose
you're gonna tell me

her middle name
is Thursday, huh?

Friday.

Now come on, lady.

Now, this is
a place of business.

A-A-A-Are you serious?

Okay, okay,
just tell me where you live

and I'll come
right out there.

Uh-huh.

Right next to a...cemetery?

Yes, we have
a lovely view of it.

Thank you.

What news, Tish?

The police are
on their way over.

(GASPS) Good heavens.

The neighbors will think
we've committed some crime.

Does make you
feel like a fraud.

Uncle Fester, the police
are on their way over.

They'll never take me alive.

Wait, Fester,
they're coming over
because of Wednesday.

Oh, that.
I solved the Wednesday caper.

You mean you found her?

Found her?
She was never lost.

She's hiding out up
in Pugsley's room.

I got suspicious
when I saw him sneaking
food up to her.

I don't believe it.

Would you believe
your own eyes?

That depends.

Uncle Fester, our children
do not do sneaky things.

Unless it's
absolutely necessary.

She's upstairs all right.

That's what you get
for sparing the paddle.

Uncle Fester, please.

FESTER: My father knew
how to raise children.

He used the paddle on me
even when I was good.

And if my mother interfered,
he'd use it on her.

Papa was strict but fair.

And you had to respect him.

If you didn't, whack.

Even now,
when I toss and turn in bed,
I think of him.

That's very touching,
Uncle Fester.

But we have no time
for maudlin sentiment.

Are you sure
Wednesday is still upstairs?

Just follow old Sherlock.

You know, I wouldn't mind
joining the police,

if it wasn't for those
silly uniforms they wear.

Is she there?

(GIGGLING)

(WHISPERING)
And as happy as a lark.

The tricky little minx.

I wonder
which side of the family
she got that from.

Both sides.

MORTICIA: Sergeant Haley?

I was when I left home
this morning.

Okay, lady,
what, uh, what about your kid?

Oh, she's fine.

Is that why you dragged me
all the way out here?

Now, that would be silly,
wouldn't it?

- Well, where was she?
- Right here.

Right here?

Clever, wasn't it?
Running away from home with
all the comforts of home.

Now look. If this is
some kind of a gag...

My dear man,

our child has been
safe at home all the time.

Aren't you delighted?

Oh, I'm tickled.

After all,
what else have I got to do?

There are 683
missing persons on my file,

four of which
have been found.

My phone rings 18 hours a day,
three of them in my head.

Half the kids in
this town are lost,
the other half should be.

I am at the peak of
a migraine headache,
I haven't had my lunch,

and you clowns drag me
all the way out here

and tell me
your kid is fine!

Delighted?

Lady, I'm, I'm beside
myself with joy!

Emotional, wasn't he?

(GATE RATTLING)

Civil servants of today.

The least little thing
and they just fly apart.

Well, what's our next move?

We're going up and have
a little talk with that girl.

Gomez, the time has
passed for talking.

Fine, I'll get my old
fraternity paddle. Whack!

No, I have a much better way.

Psychology.

Oh, that's no fun.

Uncle Fester,
this is not a fun matter.

That child has
got to be taught to play
with her own expl*sives.

It's my turn to swing
from the chandelier.

(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)

Quick, under the bed.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Well, I guess
Wednesday is really gone.

Someday,
when she's slaving away
in a tuna cannery,

she may remember
the life of ease she had
in this lovely home.

GOMEZ: Ragged, penniless,
her little fingers bleeding
from the tuna cans,

she may return
and say she's sorry.

And when that happens,
we'll take her back.
If we have room.

If they have room?

Come, my dear.
Let's go down and remove

her pictures from
the family album.

They don't love me.

Oh, they're just
using psychology.

What's that?

I don't know,
but that's what
they're using on you.

Guess they think
that you don't have
he nerve to leave home.

Well, I'll show them.

And I'm taking Homer with me.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Gomez, I feel as though
I were dancing with Nijinsky.

And I with Pavlova.

Must be the solving
of the Wednesday crisis.

Oh, that's one situation
you handled admirably.

There's a little girl
who's home to stay.

Wednesday, write me
as soon as you get
to the tuna cannery.

Okay, bye.

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

(BOX CREAKING)

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

No, Mrs. Tunnel.

We haven't
found your boy yet.

Do you realize
this is the seventh time
he's run away from home?

No, I'm not suggesting
you keep him locked up
in a broom closet.

But has it ever
occurred to you

that maybe the reason
he's running away from home

is on account of you?

(PHONE CLICKS)

Mrs. Tunnel? Mrs. Tunnel?

There you are, sweetheart.

Now, you go right over
and see the nice sergeant,
right there.

Well, here's another one.

Oh, that's all I need.
Another missing kid.

I'm not missing.

I'm on my way to
the tuna cannery.

Look, honey,
I've had a very rough day.
Now, what's your name?

Oh, it's gonna be
one of those, huh?

Would, uh, the nice
young lady like a nice big

strawberry ice cream cone?

No, sir.

Well, what would you like?

A dead fly.

Fly?

For my spider. He's hungry.

Yeah, I--I believe you.

Look, take her over
to the social worker,
will you?

What's a social worker?

Oh, now,
don't worry, honey.

She's just a nice
sweet old lady

who'll get you some
apple pie and she'll play
beanbag with you,

and she'll read you
stories about Goldilocks
and Rumpelstiltskin.

- You mean fairy tales?
- Yeah.

Where they slay dragons?

And old witches.

Oh, no, please. I'll talk.

My name is Wednesday Addams.

Addams?

There's something
fishy going on here.

Yes, sir.

What's that number again?

Cemetery 1-3...

Yeah, I know, I know.

Candle flame.

(WHIP CRACKING)

Oh, Gomez,
that was so masterful.

Now it's your turn.

Come to me.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Caramba.

Darling, let me up.
It's probably my poetry club.

Tell them you've resigned.

Gomez, darling, let me up.

Thank you.

- Hello?
- Uh, hello, Mrs. Addams?

Uh, this is Sergeant Haley.

Oh, yes.

It's that nice
Missing Persons fellow.

Uh, Mrs. Addams,
it's a kind of
a policy of ours

to sort of check back
at certain troublespots.

Uh, your little girl
still home?

Why, yes, she is.
How sweet of you to ask.

He's concerned
about Wednesday.

Isn't that nice?

And, Mrs. Addams,
uh, just for the record,

would you mind
describing her, please?

MORTICIA: Not at all.

She has the most
adorable figure.

Mmm-hmm.
And she's about, say, uh,
about 3'6", would you say?

Yes.

And the most soulful eyes.

Don't forget her
striking complexion.

Oh, yes.
(WHIP CRACKING)

And she has
the loveliest pallor.

And, uh, by any chance,
does she have,
uh, long braids?

Why, yes. How clever
you detectives are.

And you're sure
she's still home?

Snug as a baby bat
in her little cave.

(WHIP CRACKING)

Mmm-hmm.

Well, thank you
very much, Mrs. Addams.

That tells us
everything we wanna know.

Thank you.
It's a great joy to know

you're watching
over us, Sergeant.

Thank you very much.

Keep your eye on that kid.
I'm going over there
and check this thing out.

Yes, sir.

W-W-Where are you going?

I'm tired of running away.

I think I'll go home.

No, no, sweetheart. No.

You're gonna stay right here until
somebody responsible comes for you.

Wednesday.

Uncle Fester!

Oh, I looked
all over town for you.

Pugsley told me you ran away.

Are you related to this kid?

He's my uncle.

Well, can't you see
the family resemblance?

Let's go.

Uh, no, now, now, wait, wait,
wait just a minute.

I gotta have time to think.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

(WHIP CRACKING)

Get that big paw off of me...

Easy does it, my dear.

A prowler.

Good work, Lurch.
Let's have a look
at the scoundrel.

All right, put me down.

Sergeant Haley,
we weren't expecting you.

But it's so nice
of you to come.

Will you put me down,
you big ox?

Lurch, put the sergeant
in the good chair.

(GROANING)

You must forgive dear Lurch.

Only doing his duty.

So much riffraff
around these days,
you know?

Yes, you can say that again,

and most of that
riffraff is parents.

I'm sure you meet
some terrible families.

Oh, do I!

You'd be surprised,
some of the weirdos
I meet in this business.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

Right now,
at this very minute,

I've got a little runaway
down at the station.

A pathetic little thing
with, with long braids.

And you think her parents
even know she's gone?

How frightful!

Parents like that
should be horsewhipped.

HALEY: You're so right.

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

Did you say a little girl
with long braids?

Yes, she has long braids
and a little pet spider.

And by a strange coincidence,

she happens to be
named Wednesday.

Morticia, do you realize
what's happened?

Of course I do.

The sergeant's suffering
from hallucinations.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm going to have
some explanations, too,
before I leave.

Now, lady,
what about your runaway kid?

Poor sergeant.

His work has
taken a heavy toll.

Reminds me of old Bagby,
my Egyptian camel master.

One moment as
sane as you or I.

The next moment
completely amok,
running naked into the Nile.

Look, now,
don't try to double-talk me.

I'm taking the two of you
down to police headquarters.

Thank you very much,
Sergeant,

but we have
a previous engagement.

Don't you understand, lady?

Your kid scrammed!

Now, why would the child want
to leave this lovely home?

Why?

Because she's probably
sick and tired of living
in--in this madhouse.

Look at that.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

All right, you.
Easy on the rough stuff.

Lurch, you must
forgive the sergeant.

I'm afraid he's walked
one b*at too many.

(GROANING)

Now, look, you people...

(BRUNO GROWLING)

All right.
Whoever you are, come out
from out from under there

or so help me,
I'll let you have it.

(GROANING)

Come, old chap,
give Daddy the g*n.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

What's that?

Our son, Pugsley.

He's never happier than
when he's sh**ting off
his dynamite caps.

And Wednesday's happy
with her headless dolls.

Happy?

Lady, don't you understand?
Your kid's run away.

Oh, those
hallucinations again.

Really, old chap,

you should see a psychiatrist.

I need a head shrinker?

Typical case.

The more they need help,
the harder they fight it.

Now, look. Here.

If, if that kid's in her room,
I'll--I'll turn in my badge,
all right?

Well, now
that won't be necessary.

But if it will make you
feel any better,

I'll go up and get her.

(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)

Sergeant, you're right.
Wednesday isn't in her room.

Well, really!

She's outside on the porch,
playing with her Uncle Fester.

Oh, outside,
playing with her Uncle

Fester?

Where are you going?

Oh, out there somewhere.

Sergeant Haley,
is there anything
we can do for you?

Yes, you can call
the police station and

tell them you want to
report a missing person.

Emotional, isn't he?

I told you.

(TICKING)

Tish, Consolidated Plus
just hit 100.

Really? What did you
pay for it, dear?

209.

But these little
fluctuations mean nothing.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

Uncle Fester?

Little Wednesday.

That was quite a "poop."

Well, she's been
such a good child lately,

I thought I'd buy her
a few fresh dynamite caps.
Just a few.

Of course,
you can't spoil them.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Ah, the mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

It's from Sergeant Haley.

Well, what's the poor devil
have to say?

Oh, he says
he's fully recovered

and he's starting
all over again

as a junior detective
in Wabash, Indiana.

He needs more training.

Oh, there's a P.S.

He wants us to send him
his badge, collect.

(SIGHING)

Well, I guess
we'll just have to
give it to him.

Now which one was
Sergeant Haley's?