01x18 - Uncle Fester's Illness

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Addams Family". Aired: September 18, 1964 – April 8, 1966.*
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Morticia and Gomez Addams head a perplexingly macabre family whose members include a giant named Lurch, who acts as doorman, a disembodied hand named Thing, not-quite-right son Pugsley and morose daughter Wednesday.
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01x18 - Uncle Fester's Illness

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Come on, Fester,
get that power going.

I want this crash to
be a real whopper.

I'm too excited to
play trains, Gomez.

I should go up to my room and
pack some things for the outing.

But that's tomorrow.

It's going to be real neat.

Exploring a brand-new cave.

And I'm gonna light
the way for everybody.

Bright as Broadway.

Now, what'll it be
today, Pugsley?

A nice head-on collision?

Couldn't we have a
derailment for a change?

Derailment it is.

Let that current go, Fester.

I wanna see 'em
fly off the tracks.

Gomez, don't you think I ought
to save myself till tomorrow?

Tomorrow is another day.

Why didn't I think of that?

Okay.

Now watch this, Pugsley boy.

A wild pile-up on the next turn.

Suddenly I went dead.

You need recharging.

No, I just had that
done this morning.

I didn't feel good all day, but I
never thought it'd come to this.

What do we do, Father?

The only thing we can
do. Call an electrician.

I think I have an
emotional watt seepage.

Oh, watt a way to go.

Oh, don't make fun of me, Gomez.

I'm sorry, really.

Hello? Home Electrical?

I'd like to ask a bit of advice.

Our Uncle Fester seems to
have got himself de-volted.

Hello?

You still there? Good.

Yes, de-volted.

Well, you see, he was
running an electric train

and suddenly his power went off.

What did he say?

I can't tell you in
front of the boy.

I guess we'll have
to talk to Morticia.

Gee, I hate to
worry her about me.

Well, it's not the worry. She was
going to bake a cake this afternoon

and she wanted you
to run her cake mixer.

Failure upon failure.

I feel like going out and
drowning myself in the smog.

Breathe deeply.

It does wonders
for your sinuses.

Gomez! Well, it does.

Again.

Thank you, Thing.

But remember, nobody
likes a smart thing.

Wednesday dear, that was lovely.

You're really improving.

I think you're
almost ready to start

on the new piece I bought you.

Dance of the Hyenas.

Ooh, that sounds pretty.

Thank you, Lurch,
that will be all.

Mother. MORTICIA: Hmm.

Uncle Fester's sick.

Are you sure?

When I saw him at
breakfast this morning,

his face fairly glowed with
that lovely jaundiced color.

Maybe he blew a fuse.

Oh, darling, I'm
sure he's funning you.

He probably wants you to put a penny
behind his ear to make him go again.

I doubt that.

No, his malady is
a bit of a mystery.

Children, why don't
you go into the kitchen

and help Grandmama sort the
toadstools from the mushrooms.

She's going to make a
lovely toadstool souffle.

Yummy! WEDNESDAY: Yummy!

That reminds me, darling. If
you're going to bake that cake

I'll have to run out and
get you a hand mixer.

Then Uncle Fester's really ill.

Not a watt.

Oh, darling.

I'm afraid this will cancel
our outing for tomorrow.

We could take flashlights.

Oh, but the light
would be too harsh.

And too bright to explore
new and unknown caves.

Besides, when Uncle Fester

switches to neon, the
effect is truly spectacular.

The children will
be so disappointed.

Little Wednesday
was looking forward

to collecting some new spiders.

You know how
she adores her pets.

I know how you
were looking forward

to some hemlock
seedlings for your garden.

Darling, we're
being very selfish.

We're thinking of
ourselves, and we shouldn't.

We should only think of
how to help Uncle Fester.

How like you to think of
it that way, querida mia.

You are a gem.

Tasty one, too.

Darling, do you remember our
second honeymoon at Niagara Falls?

In Niagara Falls.

It was a divine cave.

Free showers, anytime
of the day or night.

That was living, mon ami.

Tish. When you speak
French you drive me wild.

Speak some more
French, Tish. Anything.

Tout à l'heure.

La plume de ma tante.

Mademoiselle from
Armentieres. Anything.

You are a devil.

Yes.

I'm just gonna pack
my bags and leave.

Uncle Fester, what
seems to be the trouble?

Mama called me an outing pooper.

Oh, I'm sure she
meant it kindly.

Of course.

From Mama that's flattery.

And that's not all.

Thing refused to
Indian wrestle with me.

And the piranha fish wouldn't
even take a bite out of my hand.

Oh, that is unfriendly.

It's worse than that.

I asked Lurch to bring
up my bed of nails

so I could get some relaxation

and he absolutely ignored me.

We'll see about that.

You rang?

Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to
have to apologize to Uncle Fester.

That's better.

Dear Lurch, he
expresses himself so well.

I don't blame anyone
for rejecting me,

the way I've ruined
the family's outing.

Uncle Fester, Gomez
and I aren't rejecting you.

We want to help you.

But the question is how?

I believe it has something
to do with your diet.

Impossible. I always eat a
very simple, wholesome meal.

Now, for breakfast this morning

I had walnut shells
and sour milk.

Oh, you should have had
green persimmons first.

Naturally.

Gosh. If there is
something wrong with me,

I hope it's one of those
rare tropical diseases.

You know, Morticia.

Something, uh, glamorous.

I hope so too, dear.

But in the meantime, we must
get you well before tomorrow.

Oh, you better go
along without me.

I'll probably be
an outing pooper.

Well, back to the smog.

Poor Uncle Fester.
He sounds suicidal.

At least he'll go
with a clear sinus.

Uncle Fester!

Don't try to discourage
me, Morticia.

Uncle Fester,
I've been thinking.

Have you been getting
enough moonshine?

Morticia, you
know I don't drink.

Morticia's referring
to moonbathing.

The moon has marvelous
restorative powers for us Addamses.

Provided you don't
take too much of it.

There's a full moon out tonight.

If I get too much
I get freckles.

Nonsense. A good moonbath
is just the tonic you need.

Well, I don't know
about Uncle Fester,

but you've talked me into one.

Catch.

You little minx.

Isn't this fun, Fester?

Oh, yes. But I'm
not out here for fun.

I'm out here to
get my health back.

I'd watch myself with that
reflector the first time around.

You should work up
gradually to a nice coat of grey.

Very wise, darling.

Uncle Fester, would you like
some of Mama's goose grease?

Well, I had some.

It was delicious.

Uncle Fester, you're
not supposed to eat it.

You're supposed
to rub it on you.

Oh?

Maybe that's why I
don't feel any better.

Oh, now on top of everything
I've got myself a severe moonburn.

Shucks.

Oh, Gomez, you were
a handsome little boy.

Darling, that's our son Pugsley.

Oh?

You're right, I thought
he looked familiar.

Hello, Uncle Fester.
You still alive?

Well, don't I look it?

Of course, darling.

That moonbath
did wonders for you.

Don't let this outdoorsy,
athletic exterior fool you.

I feel rotten.

Thing doesn't
look so hot, either.

He couldn't get past
threesies four times in a row.

I think there is
something wrong with him.

Thing, are you all right?

Gomez, this is becoming serious.

I think there maybe something
contagious going around.

You may be right.
We'd better check Zelda.

Zelda, dear, are you all right?

She sounds fine.

Gomez, isn't that
sweet? She's molting.

Beautiful.

Zelda, darling, you're
not eating your lunch.

Dear, there is something wrong.

She's not eating, and that's
her favorite dish. Dry bones.

Wouldn't eat her dried bones.

This is serious.

There's only one solution.
We've got to call a doctor.

A doctor? Which one?

The only one. Our family
witch doctor, Dr. Mbogo.

Who did you want again?

Oh, Dr. Mbogo.

Wait a minute. I'll see if
I can get a hold of him.

Hold on.

Tish, remind me to
get myself a hollow log.

Save a lot of time
by dialing direct.

They are taking a long time
getting through, aren't they?

Yes. Well, he's probably
got a hut full of patients.

Give old Doc a good
tsetse fly bite case

and he can't tear himself away.

Hello? Doctor?

Gomez Addams here.

Jambo to you too, Doctor.

Uh, Doctor, uh, we're having a
spot of trouble with Uncle Fester,

and we'd appreciate it if you...

Really?

Business is that good, eh?

Well, if that's the way it is.

Goodbye.

What's the matter, dear?

Dr. Mbogo isn't making
any more house calls.

Well, we're right back
where we started from.

Well, now what in the
world are we going to do?

I should've engaged
that Pygmy witch doctor

when I had the chance.

He was reliable.

Besides, he could
travel for half fare.

This really cancels our
outing, doesn't it, Gomez?

Well...

You mean I won't get
to catch any spiders?

I need some new ones.

I know, darling. But
we will go someday.

After all, Uncle
Fester isn't feeling well.

I'm an outing pooper.

There's only one
thing left for us to do.

Tish, remember,
please. Nothing rash.

But I'm afraid the
situation calls for it, dear.

We'll have to call
a regular doctor.

Why, thank you, Thing.

You're still very efficient.

Darling, would you mind
handing me the phone, please?

Certainly, my dear.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

Dr. Milford.

This is Mrs. Addams.

Addams.

Yes. We have the house across the
street and down the block from you.

No, that's not empty. That's us.

We call it our
honeymoon cottage.

Oh, yes, Mrs.
Addams. Now I get you.

What can I do for you?

A member of our family
is feeling a bit under

and we wondered if
you could stop by today?

I'd be glad to.

Thank you. Goodbye.

You think we did
the right thing?

Darling, if this doctor
proves inadequate,

we'll send out West
for a medicine man.

Hello.

Hello, little girl.

This is the Addams
house, isn't it?

Are you the doctor that's
going to cure Uncle Fester?

Well, I'm certainly
going to try my best.

Where's your mask and spear?

My what?

The last doctor we
had came like that.

Yes, well...

Uh, this was the best I could
do on the spur of the moment.

I hope you can
cure Uncle Fester.

He can't even
make the trains go.

Trains?

We haven't had a
good wreck all day.

So that's what a
family doctor looks like.

He certainly doesn't
inspire confidence.

Not like Dr. Mbogo.

And I'm afraid I won't
be able to settle his fee

for a few painted beads, either.

What's that little black
bag he's carrying?

I don't know, dear.

But I'm sure,
because it's black,

it's something to help you.

I don't think I'm
gonna like him.

The white hair
and those glasses.

How un-medical can he get?

Dr. Milford.

How do you do, Doctor?

This is my lovely
bride, Morticia.

And this is our
patient, Uncle Fester.

I feel fine. Go away.

I, I'm not going to harm you.

I don't like quacks.

You'll have to forgive him.

He's used to our
old family doctor.

But he's busy with his tribe.

Oh.

Wonderful doctor.

Cured my pneumonia
by dousing me with

kerosene and pouring
ashes over my head.

Sometimes the old-fashioned
remedies are best.

Well, Doctor, would you like
Mrs. Addams and me to leave?

You're not gonna
leave me alone with him.

No. That won't be necessary.

Not for the moment, at least.

All right. Make
yourself comfortable.

Doctor...

Now if you'll just take off your
coat, I can start my examination.

I never take my coat
off. I just couldn't.

He's really very modest.

Well, all right. I'll try
and work around it.

Uh, sit right here, please.

Fester. Right.

My dear.

Now open your
mouth and say "ah."

Ah.

Ah.

This is most unusual.

Your tongue is bright blue.

Blue?

It's supposed to be green.

I am sick.

Don't worry, old boy.
We'll pull you through.

Just think about how nice it's
going to be tomorrow this time.

That's the only thing
that's keeping me going.

Hoping little Wednesday
gets some nice black widows.

Most unusual. Most unusual.

Well, I-I'm afraid I'll
have to ask you to take

one arm out of your
coat for this test.

Never! But... No!

Very well. I'll try it
over your sleeve.

Most unusual.

I daresay I'll have a paper for
the medical journal from this one.

Interesting patient,
isn't he, Doctor?

Unbelievable.

He does have some
unusual methods, doesn't he?

Yes, indeed.

I, I wish he'd shake his
rattles or yell a few times

as Dr. Mbogo does.

Makes you feel like he's
accomplishing something.

Will you open the front
of your coat, please?

Of course not. Not
in front of Morticia.

I'll look the other
way, Uncle Fester.

Very well.

What is it, Doctor?
Don't spare us.

What do you think?

I think I'd better forget
the medical journal.

Contact Believe It or Not.

I'd better take
your temperature.

I took his pulse just
before you got here.

And?

Well, either my watch has stopped
or he's been dead for 20 minutes.

He exaggerates so.

I'm not so sure.

Three below zero?

By Jove, he's broken
the family record.

No wonder I felt
a little bit chilly.

I'd better close the windows.

No, no, no, that...
that can't be right.

I'd better take another reading.

Hmm, it's very tasty.

What have you done?

I was so hungry...

Poor dear hasn't
touched a thing all day.

Even when he does eat he can't
resist those between-meal snacks.

May I use your phone?

I'll have to alert the
emergency hospital.

Hey, Doc, you got another
one of those things?

Really hits the spot.

The thermometer?

Do you realize you've swallowed
almost a full ounce of mercury?

Well, it's a real picker-upper.

Now he's beginning to
look like his old self again.

He is?

Dr. Milford, you're a
genius, an absolute genius.

I am? I could kiss you.

Please.

That was a real medical coup.

Pure mercury with...

Well, some of medical
science's greatest

discoveries have
come about by accident.

Accident. Isn't he
the modest one?

Yes.

Doctor, before you go,
we have one other patient

we'd like for you to look at.

Thing hasn't been
feeling well at all lately.

Thing?

Yes.

I'm all out of thermometers.

Oh, you won't need a
thermometer for Thing. This way.

Thing, we have
a surprise for you.

Dr. Milford has
cured Uncle Fester

and now he wants
to have a look at you.

What's the matter with him?
Maybe he caught what you had.

Nonsense.

He probably just remembered
an appointment he has.

Well, he won't be able to do
much without his little black bag.

Hey, these are tasty.

You know, calling
a family doctor

is like having your
own delicatessen.

I suppose that
lets out Dr. Mbogo.

It certainly does.

Unless it's something
really serious.

Darling, isn't it wonderful
that Thing wasn't really sick?

Just depressed over our
having to cancel our outing.

Quite so, cara mia.

Thing always has the
family's interests at heart.

Back to your usual jolly
yourself again, eh, Thing?

Ah, looks like you're planning
something special for us, Uncle Fester.

This will be the greatest
family outing we've ever had.

Watch.

Bravo! Bravo, Uncle Fester.

You've really outdone
yourself this time.

From now on, Uncle Fester,
no more Christmas trees.

We'll hang everything on you.
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