02x05 - Brettwork

[bunniefuu]

[tapping on glass]

[Mr. Hand] Gather round, Hand family.

You've been summoned to Hand Manor

for our most cherished tradition,

the annual ranking of the Hand children.

Hear, hear!

You have one minute to defend your value.

Well, I just made partner at the firm,

totally crushed

this greedy class action suit.

It's every American's right

to own a wig factory that poisons a river.

Taff?

I've decided to end my seven-figure

modeling contract to pursue my hobby.

Pediatric brain surgery.

Our size zero

is turning into a hero. Brett?

I have a new job too.

It-It's super important.

I just can't talk about it

or the nanobots will explode my brain.

Ah, yes, your "classified" job.

[groans] I blame myself.

For not adequately blaming

the staff we hired to raise you.

You've always been an embarrassment.

Luckily we have Jagg here

to carry the family name.

My campaign for senator

airs its first commercial

on Patriot News this week.

Called it.

This campaign could not exist

without all of your help.

- [Taff] Of course!

- [Matt] We love you, bro.

Wait, you're all working

on Jagg's campaign?

Why didn't anybody ask me to help?

With what?

Slowly draining your "trust fund"?

Shrewsbury, up top!

Savage burn, sir.

Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always

been kind of a spineless yes man.

Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.

The doctor said

my spine is just huggably soft.

Well, Muffy just had puppies.

So that puts her in a tie for fourth.

Shall we vote?

All in favor of Muffy in fourth?

Aye!

[sighs] Aye.

Break out the will.

- That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.

- [bell rings]

[string orchestral music plays]

[upbeat music plays]

[m*llitary music plays]

Tonight, sexting.

Are dirty messages distracting your teen

from studying their as*ault r*fle?

Right again, Danica.

But first, are you sick of liberals

telling you you can't eat

an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?

even massive lethal amounts of fructose.

Consume.

- Consume, consume, consume, consume.

- Consume, consume, consume, consume.

- Consume, consume, consume.

- Consume, consume, consume.

Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.

Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.

Here are some synonyms to wrong.

Scurrilous,

malfease-escent, incorrectitude.

What matters most is

that we all come together and eat quinoa.

Consume, consume.

Oh, I love cable news.

It's like watching the apocalypse

in slow motion.

Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides

knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.

Uh, our conspiracies

aren't gonna cover up themselves.

That's why my department

creates meaningless controversies

to distract the country from the truth.

Like that you and your new boy toy

almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.

[bell rings]

[Gigi] When we come back, get flirtier.

I want to see sparks.

[electricity crackles]

Ugh. He's doing the thing again!

I thought you said robotic male co-hosts

would be cheaper.

When you factor in the sexual harassment

suits from human anchormen,

we still save money.

When I decided to run for Senate,

it wasn't for the elites in Washington.

I did it for what matters.

Family. Whether it's your family,

or mine right here.

Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.

Thanks, Brett.

[laughs] Uh, awesome.

What? Your family recast you

in an ad about the importance of family?

Well, Jagg said

Wheelchair Brett tested better.

I know that you got here

by being a yes man.

[laughs] Why do people keep saying that?

But that commercial should piss you off!

Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.

- [screaming]

- Do something!

What does pro-death even mean?

Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.

Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.

Where am I supposed to find

another camera-ready white man

who can talk for hours

without actually saying anything?

[Brett] Really? Everything bagels?

[laughs] Get real. I can name at least

a thousand things not on this bagel.

Legos, fingers, time itself

[gasps] My God!

Non-threatening, all-American.

The Comic Sans of people. Brett!

Me, a news anchor?

But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7.

What if I say the wrong thing?

Everyone's dream is to be on TV.

Actually, my dream was to

[groans] I'm already bored.

Perhaps I can offer my assistance.

By compiling thousands of hours

of news footage,

I can generate a script

that's boomer catnip,

and I am hungry

to get back into the political arena.

Well, I guess your scripts

couldn't be worse than Glenn's.

I write what's in my heart, which is fear,

and according to the doctors,

a new type of cholesterol.

Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.

Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!

Hurry! We're on in five, four

Don't shank this, pretty boy.

[gulps]

Vegetarianism's a slippery slope

to cows taking over

and eating America's beloved golf courses.

I like my meat

the way I like my toxic waste.

Ignored by safety inspectors.

And if we really believe in freedom,

shouldn't g*ns be allowed to vote?

Wow, you've finally done it.

Artificial unintelligence.

Would anyone even fall for this crap?

g*ns should vote!

Finally, someone brave enough to say it.

That's our show.

[Gigi sighs] That's commercial.

[sighs] Was that okay?

Look at these views!

You're like Captain America f*cked

Steve McQueen f*cked Lightning McQueen!

[laughs] Kachow!

How would you like to permanently co-host?

We've got something here, Brett,

and your chest is somehow

harder than the robot's.

Well, if it'll make you guys happy

and it'll impress my parents,

I guess I'm in.

Finally. I have my own puppet.

Phase one, a signature look

that also serves as merchandise.

And if I want to sh**t endangered animals

out of catapults on my own gold farm,

it's my right!

I like this nice, young man.

Heckin' right.

Someone who respects freedom.

And soon, hopefully,

a g*n's right to marry another g*n.

You'll be wed soon, my pretties.

[kissing noises]

Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.

Fear, fear, fear.

- Fear, fear, fear.

- Fear, fear, fear.

Finally, a beacon of hope.

From now on, I'm gonna let

my screaming do the talking.

And for the coup de grâce,

an inane catchphrase. Something like

Bretts get ready to rumble!

America, you have a Brett-shaped hole

in your heart

and I am here to fill your Brett hole.

It might just be my pills talking,

but I think that's our son.

Brett on Patriot News?

Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number

and get him on the line.

Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.

He's k*lling people with his bare hands.

For once, this is

not inflammatory hyperbole!

[screaming]

Thank God for these doors

that lock from the inside.

- [woman screams]

- [all gasp]

I smell opportunity.

[sniffs] And f*cking Sumatran blend?

No. No, no, no.

I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!

Ha! I'm f*cking with you, intern.

Go clean my car. I think someone threw up

in the driver's seat this morning.

Whoa!

[cell phone buzzes]

Mom and Dad watch every night.

For realio?

It's not easy to say this, but we're

[sighs] We're Shrewsbury!

They are proud of you, sir.

[Mr. Hand] This changes everything.

You've just been promoted

to number two son.

Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.

[Wheelchair Brett yells]

Matt, you're number three now.

Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth

and Tom Franco.

No. No. No!

[gasps and screams]

And then Jagg asked me to open for him

at campaign rallies.

For the first time in my life,

I'm finally part of the family.

Brett, get ready to go to w*r

with your family.

You're running for senator.

[gulps and laughs awkwardly]

Huh. I always thought

that was a supply closet.

It's those crazy Backhanders

you've been whipping up on Patriot News.

But we already own the president

and 49% of Congress.

Exactly. If you win,

Cognito will fully rule America.

But, sir, my family

just started respecting me and

Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk.

Gigi, you're on media.

I'm gonna soundbite the nation's d*ck off.

Myc, you're the cutthroat

campaign manager.

[Myc] Is that literal? How much power

are we talking about here?

Glenn, you're the injured veteran

who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.

I don't want your pity.

Andre, you're probably a millennial.

Go to college campuses

and drum up the youth vote.

You know millennials

are, like, pushing 40 now, right?

And I'll be the power behind the scenes

with my four-dimensional chess.

I can take my manipulation to the next

[groans]

You're the doorstop.

What? This is an outrage.

I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.

[sighs]

Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for

getting involved in this one dumb race?

The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes

Date You Act?

It legally requires all divorced couples

to go on a romantic date once a month.

Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.

So you're gonna overthrow the government

just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?

Democracy in action.

Brett, Brett, Brett!

[groans] Can't we make the intern do this?

Interns don't have

self-moistening blowholes.

Stop talking about your holes.

I'm on the line

with my old sweatshop connects

trying to get these

"Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.

Xin Zhao, Nike.

Where the hell is Brett?

- [knocking on door]

- Come on, man.

[sighs] You're right, Reagan.

Time to face the FaceTime.

This FaceTime, it's personal.

What the f*ck are you thinking?

Destroying your brother's

political legacy.

What are you, a Bush?

I swear it wasn't my idea!

Drop out or we'll disown you.

Fix this, Brett.

Or you'll be as dead to us

as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.

- Wait, who?

- I've said too much.

[gasps] If I win, my dad hates me.

But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.

There's so many dads!

[Brett whimpers]

You know what? f*ck our parents.

What if we secretly sabotage

your campaign?

The Deep State wants you to win,

but we can form

an even deeper state to lose.

You'd do that for me?

Of course. Get ready to join

the deepest state there is. Friendship.

Brett Hand for Senate!

You want me to help you lose the election?

But I've worked so hard

to create the perfect candidate.

Look, if I could destroy

my political puppet,

you can take down yours.

Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me.

I'm just begging for it.

It's somehow less fun when you want it,

but I do have an encyclopedic recall

of every career-ending political scandal.

Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.

Oh, thank God. Where do we start?

Can't go wrong with the classics.

[dominatrix] What are you into, bad boy?

Whatever you're into.

Well, I'd be into getting more respect

from society at large.

You know, I'm

I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.

I couldn't help it.

The solution just seemed so obvious.

Can you grab a photo of me

snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?

Hey, helping out is what

being a drug lord's all about, eh?

Okay, here goes.

I've only sniffed Crayola markers before,

but this can't be that different, right?

[sneezes]

Wow, you did it!

You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord

Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!

I did what now?

Wow! A key to the city of Toronto.

Wow, man, that's like oh sh*t.

This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.

What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty?

I could go for some water.

Let's talk about water.

to put out the fires in California?

They were really nice about it,

and I just felt too bad to correct them.

Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing

health benefits for veterans like this.

[gasping]

To be clear, I, Brett Hand,

think veterans are dumb babies.

What the hell, Brett?

I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.

[burps]

So many stamps.

Glenn! Don't worry.

I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.

[Myc] Huh. Always figured if Glenn d*ed

from a Seinfeld plot line,

it would've been the no jacking off one.

[dramatic music plays]

[Brett blows]

[Glenn gasps]

[Glenn gags]

[woman] He can walk again!

This man supports the Marines

and aquamarines.

[woman] We love you, Brett!

You can do no wrong!

Un-f*cking-believable.

You somehow even landed the youth vote.

How the hell did that happen?

[dance music plays]

Offshore accounts, bailouts.

You can get away with anything!

If you really want

to get back at your parents,

vote with them

against all their interests.

Nothing matters but the self!

[groans] My family is gonna disown me

for destroying Jagg's chances.

I need a bigger scandal.

Why don't scandals work anymore?

You've entered the modern

"infallible zone."

People don't give a sh*t anymore.

As long as you're their guy,

you're bulletproof.

We'll fake Brett's death

and once the election is over, come clean.

Oh, right. Because faking your own death

worked out so well last time, Reagan.

Redundant much?

We can't afford originality

right now, Alpha-Beta.

- We need to k*ll Brett to save Brett.

- I know exactly how I want to die.

Just like my grandfather.

Damn it. Brett's dead?

Well. This is why I collect blood samples.

Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.

[machine beeps]

I can't believe it.

His DNA is too average to replicate.

Horrifying.

Hm. Something's fishy.

And for once, it's not Glenn.

I could run for senator. [gasps]

Why don't you run

for a less dry sandwich, shithead?

Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.

No! No, no! Brett!

Ever wondered why your Medicare

covers your nether regions,

but not the undercarriage

of the one you love the most?

Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.

[sustained beep]

You're done, Danica.

Cable news only pushes conspiracies

that help our corporate sponsors.

I know Brett's here somewhere.

I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!

Let go of me! Brett! No!

[Myc] Is Brett really gone?

Am I the hottest guy in the office again?

I don't buy it. People fake their deaths

like office birthdays around here.

I think we got a Russian nesting doll

of deeper states going on.

And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.

To honor the light

he brought into our lives,

the extended Hand family,

myself, Taff, Matt,

and our various unnamed cousins

I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.

Yes.

will hold a private memorial

slash candlelight touch football game

on our family compound.

"Beloved," "honor," "respect."

This is all I've ever wanted!

Do you think they'll mix my ashes

with their favorite horses'?

Sure, if that's what a normal

insane rich family would do.

This death is the best day of my life!

[reporters shout]

Yes, you, the guy who looks like

he owns a snake.

I read on my own website

that the Hand family assassinated Brett

to keep him from b*ating you.

That's less of a question

and more of an accusation!

Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!

[yelling]

Uh, okay, no more questions.

Look at that outpouring of love

from both sides.

Oh, they love you, all right.

Those idiots.

The Hands didn't k*ll Brett.

Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?

Whoever's behind this probably k*lled

Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,

and Jeff Bezos.

Okay. Yeah. That was us.

Broken clocks, right?

I wouldn't worry about your family.

Which is why tonight the Hand family

will get what's coming to 'em.

We are now taking GoFundMe donations

for a guillotine.

[dramatic music crescendos]

[grunting]

Why we gotta all wear black?

It makes it hard to know

which one of us I am.

'Cause somebody d*ed, moron.

Hut, hut, hut!

Hey, have some respect.

I can't believe that guy's number two

at Goldman Sachs.

The Backhanders are at Home Depot

getting pitchforks.

We have to warn your family.

We'll send in drones.

I just need a high vantage point.

Like that?

Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.

It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,

which was sadly cancelled

after the 2008 junior housing crisis.

They built you a tree house

outside the property?

It has a zip line to the main house,

which I was told to only use

for emergencies.

Okay? Yeah. I I do hear it. It's bad.

- Whoa.

- [Brett] Pimptastic, am I right?

What is all this stuff?

You never said you like crafting.

but my dad told me

it would bring shame to the family name

so I put puppeteering on the back burner.

Well, except for on behalf

of the shadow government. [laughs]

Back burner? Then what the hell is this?

Oh, I made that one

when I was home for Christmas.

'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,

and the game is helping Brett process

his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!

[imitates an air horn]

Damn. If I'd known about all this,

we could have destroyed your candidacy

in minutes.

Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.

"Hand family in danger."

[drone] Condolences, Hand family.

Lock doors. Call police.

Perfect. That's way less creepy

than their son being alive.

Uh, guys.

[dramatic music plays]

Huh?

Oh God, it's the Backhanders!

How did they find this place?

- Reddit.

- Why is it always Reddit?

Deploy containment net on intruders!

[dramatic music continues]

These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.

Kidnap the Hands!

Get them to admit the truth!

Get off our property!

Never. Brett was one of us.

A regular Joe giving it to the elites

in the lame-stream media.

Hut, hut, hut.

[grunting]

Jesus, Brett,

they're gonna tear each other apart.

You need to go and put an end to this.

But what about Jagg's election?

Who cares? If you don't do something,

they'll k*ll Jagg.

Um, uh Alpha-Beta.

You always know what to say.

There are too many.

They're all angry at different things.

Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."

"Save the whales, but k*ll all the bees."

"My other Volkswagen is an as*ault r*fle."

What the f*ck does that even mean?

Libertarians make no sense.

You need to stop being the yes man.

Go down there and tell them all no.

I I can't.

But I might know someone who can.

- God. Please don't.

- You'll only get them m*rder*d quicker.

[exhales]

[dramatic music plays]

[Brett yells]

[everyone gasps]

Praise Brett! We did it!

This proves the conspiracy is real.

Maybe all conspiracies are real.

Oh, that's not good.

Brett. Thank God you're alive

to help your brother.

Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks

to stand down and vote for Jagg.

Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.

You have a duty to the Back Hand nation

to resume your campaign!

I couldn't agree more.

- What is he trying to say?

- Pick a lane.

This is why I didn't want you

on my campaign.

You are totally spineless!

[growls]

So am I!

[everyone gasps]

S'up b*tches, Lil Brett here.

I'mma tell you

how my boy Brett really feels.

You people just wanted your own ideas

shouted back at you,

and they're all terrible!

Call your moms and delete Facebook.

And you only started caring about Brett

when you thought he was useful.

Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.

Brett is done trying to please everybody,

which means I've taught you

everything I could, Brett.

- It's time.

- What?

- [Lil Brett moans]

- Oh, no! Lil Brett.

Don't go towards the light.

[gasps and splutters]

No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me.

I'm not strong enough without you.

Don't you dare leave me.

So he learned self-esteem

from his own puppet and now it's dead?

The puppet has become the puppet master.

I guess. I I I can't follow.

I'm done letting others talk for me.

I'm done with you and done with Jagg.

I'm gonna do what Brett wants.

To go home and buy the domain name

for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.

Brett cares about puppets?

That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.

Yeah, that's creepy.

He's an adult man.

I'm too confused to be angry.

And that makes me angry!

Brett, I am happy to run unopposed.

You heard him, right? No take-backs.

It appears everything

has somehow been resolved.

I cannot think

of any dangling threads we've missed.

And we managed to get through a mission

without k*ller robots, or monsters,

or some last-minute bananas twist.

Live from Hand Manor,

Danica is here to save you, Brett!

Ah, there it is.

[gasps]

No!

- [everyone gasps]

- Oh, no!

How could I

accidentally sh**t a loved one?

When you own a g*n, there's only

a 72% chance of that happening!

Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!

Brett. You've sullied the family name

with your antics,

but you've also saved your brother's life.

So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three

for being weak.

- What?

- [Brett gasps]

Am I Am I son number one?

I'm keeping that position open for now.

Attaboy, Brett.

[gentle music plays]

Don't worry about Rand.

I'll take the flak

for the deeper state debacle.

- It's okay. We can handle it.

- [Reagan chuckles]

It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes

to my summons for a date.

[chuckles] Brett,

you're alive again. That's nice.

Wait. How did you

get your stupid legislation passed

without Brett in the Senate?

[laughs]

You think Brett was the only politician

I was betting on?

Once I got wind you three dipshits

were deeper stating us,

we formed an even deeper deeper state

and backed another candidate,

the focus group-approved man

the camera can't help but love.

Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?

- Huh. I guess he really did test better.

- Then this was all for nothing?

I want a raise, m*therf*cker!

Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.

Oh, you want to double-cross me?

I have seen sh*t, Brett.

I'm not the most shameful thing

you learned to do with your hands

in that tree house.

- Oh God.

- This is a workplace.

Reagan! He's too empowered.

Cut off my hand.

I'd like to see you b*tches try.

This is Lil Brett's world.

You're all just living in it.

- [Reagan] Okay.

- [Lil Brett] Back off, Ponytail.

I'll eat you like a piranha

from the ankles up.

- [Gigi] Nuh-uh.

- [Rand] Good God!

- [yelling]

- [Lil Brett] Bow down, b*tches.

- [screaming]

- [Rand] Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!

- [Brett] Help!

- [Rand] Die, you

[Rand groans]

[Rand] f*ck!

[shrieking]