01x29 - Morticia's Favorite Charity

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Addams Family". Aired: September 18, 1964 – April 8, 1966.*
Watch on Amazon Merchandise Collectibles

Morticia and Gomez Addams head a perplexingly macabre family whose members include a giant named Lurch, who acts as doorman, a disembodied hand named Thing, not-quite-right son Pugsley and morose daughter Wednesday.
Post Reply

01x29 - Morticia's Favorite Charity

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Oh, I love coming
down to this old room.

Such charming mustiness.

In many ways the most
attractive room in the house.

A regular treasure-trove
of memories.

I'm sure we'll find
100 things down here

to give to the charity bazaar.

Oh, Gomez, darling, look.

Your wedding dress?

Yes.

You're not giving this
dress to the bazaar?

Oh, of course not, darling.

It has a special
sentimental value for me

that no one else
could ever appreciate.

Perhaps I'll give
this lovely mirror.

Remember the day I cracked it?

Yes. We had those seven
wonderful years of good luck.

We couldn't part
with that, of course.

Seems like everything down here

is a priceless family heirloom.

Morticia, let's
forget the bazaar.

They haven't even asked us
to donate this year, anyway.

Yes, and I can't
understand that.

Our old insurance man,
Mr. Henson, is in charge this year,

and he's been to our home.

He knows what
lovely things we have.

Behaved very strangely
the last time he was here.

Perhaps he's one of
those people with no taste.

Last year, they auctioned off
my stuffed vulture for 35 cents.

Your live one would've
gotten much more.

I suppose we should just give
junk, things we want to get rid of.

Excellent idea.

But, darling, that isn't
the real spirit of giving.

We should give things of
value, things we really cherish.

All right.

I'll give them my
grandfather moose clock.

The least I can give is
this beautiful old table.

But, Morticia, that's priceless.

The original flogging table
used by Ivan the Terrible.

I know, dear, it hurts.

But that means it's right.

Just picture the addition it
will make to someone's home.

As always, cara
mia, you are right.

Darling, I'm going to call
the bazaar headquarters

and tell Mr. Henson that we're
going to contribute after all.

I know he'll be thrilled.

No, no, no. No more Addamses.

We already have too much.

Mr. Henson, we can
never have enough charity.

Yes, we can.

Of course. We welcome
your donations, Mrs. Addams.

I'm dreadfully sorry
we overlooked you.

I don't know how that happened.

Well, I do. I deliberately
passed them up.

Mr. Henson will be
over with our truck.

Yes. Goodbye, my dear.

In charitable work,
we can't allow

personal feelings to interfere.

All right. All right,
all right, I'll go.

But I'm taking our biggest,
strongest truck driver with me.

That's fine.

And please, examine all this
monstrous junk they contribute

very carefully.

And if you come across a shrunken
head, look closely. It may be mine.

Isn't it exciting, darling?

The whole family is getting
into the spirit of giving.

Excellent character building,
especially for the children.

The most important thing is

that we're all giving the
things we cherish the most.

Look. Look what
Mama just donated.

That's giving with real pain.

Her old friend Dr. Livingstone.

You're setting a shining
example for us all, dear.

I'm donating Mary
Queen of Scots.

Darling, that is your
most precious possession.

I can chop a head
off another doll.

I know, but not all the heads
come off as nicely as this one.

Are you sure you
want to donate Mary?

Yes, but I'll never be able to
look her head in the eye again.

Uncle Fester, I haven't
picked up your donation yet.

Charity begins at
home, you know.

Would you mind turning
this just a little bit?

I'm trying to get
rid of a headache.

That's so soothing.

Uncle Fester, I'm
ashamed of you.

Even little Pugsley
has given generously.

Not his favorite
wolf's head clock!

No, but he has given his toads

and his lizards and
his Gila monster.

And you know how he loves them.

I think the least you could do
is give that old suit of armor.

Hmm?

No, not my suit
of armor, please.

I need it to feel secure.

Like Pugsley needs
his wolf head clock.

That armor is the
only place I can find

to hide in to take
my afternoon's nap.

Uncle Fester, the whole
family has given until it hurts.

Well, I like to hurt
as much as anybody,

but don't ask me
to give my armor up.

I have to wear it
practically every day

to scare off those
neighborhood kids.

They annoy you?

Not me, but they
keep waving sticks

and throwing stones
at my new pet falcon,

and he's getting a
nervous stomach.

Uncle Fester, that bird
is simply going to have to

learn the difference between
a gopher and a cocker spaniel.

Morticia, please,
not this armor.

They're not making
suits like that anymore.

Look at the cut
of that pasguard.

And the hang of the jambeau.

It even came with
two pair of cuisses.

Well, you can keep
the extra pair of cuisse

and wear it with a
matching coat of mail.

Make a nice sports outfit.

Let's get it all
nicely polished up.

Mr. Henson will be here shortly.

Morticia may send
this to the bazaar,

but I'm going to make
sure it comes back.

Pretty clever, huh?

I'm glad you agree with me.

Here you are, Cleopatra,
some nice, fresh walrus burger.

Oh, darling, come along.

Eat. Cleopatra?

Oh, Lurch.

I've decided to give the
baby strangler to the bazaar.

Taking it away from its m-a-m-a?

Yes, the baby's been weaned
for several months now.

Would you put the baby in the
sack, while I cover the mother?

She'd carry on
terribly if she knew.

You can polish
Pugsley's shoes later.

Now, Cleopatra...
Quick. Put it in the sack

and take it in the living
room with the other things.

Oh, darling, don't carry on so.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you know, don't you?

You have a mother's intuition.

But we must all
give till it hurts.

You're sick. What've
you been eating?

Or whom?

Pugsley!

Pugsley. What did
you do with Pugsley?

You m*rder*r.

You get three good meals a day.

Out with him. Out with him!

There's no need for you
to eat between meals.

Cough him up.

I've heard of biting the hand that
feeds you, but this is too much.

Pugsley! Pugsley!

You want me, Father?

I hear you, Pugsley.
Keep talking, boy.

I'll find you.

Pugsley. Pugsley!

Thank heaven you
were indigestible.

Thank you, Thing.

Stuck.

Unstuck.

W-We've come to pick up the
donations for the charity bazaar.

Follow me.

It's all right. He's
really a nice fellow.

Yeah? He looks like
parts of three nice fellows.

Oh, Mr. Henson, how
nice to see you again.

How do you do, Mrs. Addams?

Uh, this is Jason,
our truck driver.

Charmed. I do have a
lovely collection for you.

Surprised?

Not a bit.

Mr. Jason, you may
start loading these things.

Lurch will help you.

Would you gentlemen excuse me?

A-ha!

Henson, good to see you.

Well, we certainly
outdid ourselves this year.

So I see.

Have you seen the
clock I'm giving you folks?

Does it explode?

Certainly not. I
wouldn't tamper with

a valuable old
timepiece like that.

Come here.

How about that?

How about that?

Well, it looks like...

The rear end of a moose?

You have a very
discerning eye, Henson.

Ever seen any
moose ends like that?

Definitely not.

At least it's just not a plain
old head staring down at you.

No, those are so common.

Is it trying to get through
the wall, or back out?

It's a clock, Henson.

The tail switches
on the half hour,

and goes all the way
around on the hour.

2:00. Right on the dot.

Henson.

A rare and valuable clock.

You... You really mustn't
part with it, Mr. Addams.

It's... We mustn't
deprive you of it.

It's much too lovely.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Besides, it would be a shame to
deprive Pierre of the choice view

that he's had for over 50 years.

After all, how many other mooses

are lucky enough
to see themselves

as others see them?

Besides, an ordinary
man wouldn't appreciate

a collector's item like that.

Little Pugsley has an amusing
conventional clock up in his room.

I'm sure he'd be glad
to donate it to charity.

I'll run right up and get it.

You all right, Mr. Henson?

You tell me.

Henson, here we are.

Just a simple child's timepiece.

It's a variation on
the cuckoo clock.

Watch.

Wonderful, isn't it?
What do you feed it?

Feed a clock?

You're pulling my leg, Henson.

I'll be interested to see
what it brings at auction.

Yes. Who knows? Someone
may just be furnishing a nursery.

A nursery. Perfect.

Why all that gay,
toe-tapping music?

What's the celebration?

I thought a little light music

might bring Pugsley
out of his depression.

Great Scott, he's not
still up the chimney?

He's been up there for hours.

He says he's never coming down.

Well, I imagine it is
nice up there, at that.

You know he's sulking
because you gave

his wolf's head
clock to the bazaar.

I know. I should have
asked his permission first,

but I was so sure
he'd want to donate it.

He says it's the only
thing he's really ever loved.

The lad should learn that if
you give till it hurts, it's fun.

I know, dear, but
you try. I'm exhausted.

Pugsley, what do you
say we visit the zoo?

You can see a live
wolf's head there.

Really pretty.

Darling, this may be a
traumatic experience for him.

Perhaps we'd better try
and get the clock back.

Nonsense. Some of the
finest men in the Addams family

have been shaped
by childhood traumas.

Still, it tears at my heart to
think I've alienated my son.

Well, darling, perhaps
we can get Uncle Fester

to make him a new wolf's head
clock with bigger and better fangs.

By the way, where is Fester?

I haven't seen him
since yesterday.

Oh, dear, I do hope he hasn't
gone into one of his trances.

The last one went
on for five days.

I thought he was a goner.

Dear Uncle Fester, he
does love to play dead.

Matter of fact, I haven't seen
Thing since yesterday, either.

Don't worry, Thing
can handle himself.

Well, I'm gonna have
one last try with Pugsley.

I tell you what, Pugsley boy...

That does it.

I've just got to repair
this tragic rift somehow.

You rang?

Yes, Lurch. I'm going to the
bazaar and get Pugsley's clock back.

I can't bear to see
him and his father

separated over
such a silly thing.

Oh, dear, I do hope the
bazaar people will give it back.

Buy it back?

That's a marvelous idea, Lurch.

Oh, but don't tell Mr. Addams.

I want it to be a surprise.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

Still looking for
bargains, eh, Mr. Clayton?

Well, the auction will
start in about an hour.

Well, nothing very exciting.

Oh? What are you hiding
back in that screen up there?

Those must be the things
the Addams family donated.

I don't know why
Mr. Henson hid them.

Let's have a look.

Well...

Mr. Henson.

Don't be absurd. The
chin's much too strong.

Well, thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. Clayton.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

these are real
conversation pieces.

I direct your particular
attention to the scrollwork.

Now, how much am I bid?

$10.

Sold.

The value of some
of these things

may not be apparent
to the naked eye

but if you look real close...

Well, I wouldn't
advise that either.

Anyway, let's get on with it.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, we come to this

rather unique
collection of items.

Let's first see
what we have here.

Yes, oh.

There's always one
practical joker at every bazaar.

And now we come to
this truly rare little number.

Anyone care to
offer anything for it?

Anything at all?

$10.

Did I hear $10?

Going, going... $20.

Gone.

$20? Oh.

Perhaps you
can't see it clearly.

$30?

$40.

$50.

$50? For this?

$60? $70.

Perhaps you'd like
to come up here,

where you can
examine it more closely.

Awfully spirited bidding
for a worthless piece of junk.

I think Henson's
up to something.

$100.

$100...

Well, I must say, you are
a very charitable group.

200.300.

400.

Dollars?

Do I hear a five?

Yes, the gentleman here
in the front row says 500...

Would anyone else
care to bid $500?

I'll give $1,000.

Morticia.

I'll give $1,100.

Is that all?

Darling.

Querida.

Very well, sold!

To the gentleman
over there for $1,100.

I love you.

Pugsley, darling,
please. We tried.

Won't you come
down and talk it over?

Come on down, Pugsley, lad.

Darling, I don't think he should
stay up there much longer.

He might learn to love it.

That's the way it went
with Cousin Slosh.

Down the city
sewer in a fit of pique.

Completely disowned the family.

Made a whole
new life for himself.

Well, at least the bazaar
people were happy.

They never made so
much money before.

I still say we didn't get a
fair chance at the bidding.

Mr. Henson closed it so fast.

But he's such a fragile man.

Nothing but raw nerves.

We were lucky to get
Thing back on the first bid.

Well, I know Uncle
Fester's happy.

Nobody bought his armor.

Lots of people were interested
but I discouraged them.

Hey, will you help
me out of this thing?

Somebody spilled pink
lemonade all over me

and I'm all stuck up.

I'll take a blowtorch
to you later, Fester.

A blowtorch will roast me.

Nonsense, the heat will put
a nice crease in your cuisse.

What are we going
to do about Pugsley?

Lurch, wonderful.

Pugsley!

Pugsley! Here's your clock!

Oh, boy. Thanks, Dad.

And how in the world did you
ever get it away from Mr. Clayton?

Did he sell it back to you?

Gave me $5 to take it.

Gomez, darling, it's been
a long and difficult day.

It's time to retire.

You're right, my dear.

I'm trying to
synchronize these clocks.

Pugsley complained that
his was off three seconds.

Probably got shaken up.

Some people just don't know
how to handle delicate timepieces.

I think this ought to do it.

Oh, dear. The
poor thing's not well.

Never fear, the old
clockmaker is near.

I think I'll try this one first.

Perfect synchronization.
Post Reply