01x31 - Uncle Fester's Toupee

[bunniefuu]

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Gomez, darling, don't
move. Not a muscle.

I've finally captured
the real, the inner you.

Paint, querida, paint.
This is for posterity.

Well, it's happened.

Bolt of lightning knocked
you out of your tree house?

Oh, no! It couldn't be.

He just bought a new lightning
rod at the discount house.

I can handle lightning,
but, oh, this is worse.

Uncle Fester, you haven't
been drafted for m*llitary service?

They're taking our
finest young men.

Now, don't worry, Fester,
we'll find you a deferment.

Cowardice.

This is a letter from my
pen pal, Madelyn, in Paris.

France? Illinois.

I didn't know you had
a pen pal in Illinois.

Well, it wasn't my idea.

But she got this letter
to my pen pal Madeline,

in Paris, France, by mistake,

and from then on she was hooked.

You do write a zingy letter.

Too zingy. She's
coming here to visit me.

Marvelous.

We'll have the
guest room unbolted.

But pen pals are
supposed to write, not visit.

Uncle Fester, is there
something you're not telling us?

Fess up, Fester.

Have your letters led this innocent
girl down the postal garden path?

Well, I did kind of
smear it on a little bit.

Oh, well, it's normal to
exaggerate in romance.

Yeah, but she said she imagined
me as the Cary Grant type.

What's Cary Grant
got that you haven't?

Hair.

You do have a
little problem there.

There's a few other
things I told her, too.

Like what?

Like I was an All-American
football player, and a boxer,

and a polo player.

I think she kind of
likes that athletic type.

You did go out
on a limb a little bit,

but I think I have
the solution for you.

What? Leave town.

Nonsense, darling,
he'll do no such thing.

You're going to stay right here

and welcome her
like a true Addams.

She'll be delighted
when she sees you.

She won't even get the chance.

Where are you
going, Uncle Fester?

Well, there must be some place

where a baldheaded
man can hole up.

Tish, would you like
me if I had no hair?

It might be fun
polishing your scalp.

Wait right here. I'll run
upstairs and shave it all off.

No, no, darling.

We mustn't think
of ourselves now.

We must think of Uncle Fester.

We'll take direct action.

Thank you, Thing.

Let's see. Uh,
gymnasiums, gypsies...

Ah, hairpieces.

By george, Morticia,
you've done it again.

With a hairpiece, Fester
will knock her dead.

I don't think we want
to go that far, darling.

Querida, we can't
call anyone now.

It's night, all the
stores are closed.

Oh. Ah, not Max's Hair Salon.

Look. "If you want
a wig, dark or light,

"call on Max, day or night."

Good rhythm.

I'll just use his
emergency night number.

We'll tell him it's urgent.

Yes?

I must be in the wrong house.

Please!

Max.

Oh, it's so good of you to come.

Allow me, Max. Right this way.

We're really in
quite a bit of trouble.

We'd like something
nice for our Uncle Fester.

Something sporty, that'll
take a few years off him.

Perhaps 20 or 30.

Madam, I am not a magician.

I can only cover his head.

He'll have to cream
his own wrinkles.

That's fair enough. May
we see a few samples?

You mean without the
client being present?

Oh, we wouldn't dream of having

Uncle Fester model
before a stranger.

He's much too shy.

Besides, he's off somewhere
brooding about his ladylove.

Oh, he's got it bad.

Love seems to bring
out the beast in him.

Oh, you mean Kitty.

Kitty cat doesn't
need a hairpiece.

Never met a lion who did.

Lion? In this house?

How else are the children going
to learn anything about nature?

They can't wait until
pet day at school.

I think I'd... Oh-oh.

I think I'd better
come back tomorrow.

Nonsense, old man.

As long as you're here, let's
have a look at the merchandise.

You rang?

Lurch, a mirror, please.

Mr. Max, we're ready
whenever you are.

All right, I'll try on a few.

Morticia, you be the judge.

Lurch, you hold the mirror.

You're going to use that mirror?

Naturally.

But it's cracked!

Of course. Cousin
Droop dropped it for luck.

Well, if that's what you want.

Here is a nice model.

We call it banker's gray.

Distinguished but youthful.

I'll try that. Thank you.

Darling, what do you think?

For you, darling, it's perfect.

But I don't think Uncle
Fester's the banker type.

All right, do you have
anything more Ivy League?

Uh-uh. No, sir.

But perhaps you'd
like the Mohawk.

Oh, we'll try that.

Darling, what do you think?

I think we're getting closer.

All Fester needs
is the middle part.

He's got the rest of it.

That's true.

But I still don't think
it will do, darling.

It would be all right if his
pen pal were Pocahontas.

Don't worry, I've got more.

This one needs a little combing.

My comb.

Oh, that's very
thoughtful, Thing.

Yes, thank you... Hello, Kitty.

That's a compliment
to you, Mr. Max.

Kitty doesn't come
down for just everyone.

Thank you and goodbye!

Goodbye! What
about your toupees?

Keep them!

"Keep them." How generous.

Darling, have you noticed how
people take to Uncle Fester?

Especially the ones
who've never met him.

Uncle Fester, now
you stop squirming.

Morticia, I don't
wanna wear a wig.

Nonsense, when you're wooing
a girl, you have to make sacrifices.

But I'm not wooing
her, she's wooing me.

All right, then you'll both
have to make sacrifices.

Now, turn around and
let's see how that looks.

That's not me.

Well, it is a bit
Rudolph Valentino.

But don't worry, we'll find
something that will do you justice.

Oh, you look great
in that one, Fester.

Excuse me.

Darling, that
isn't Uncle Fester.

This is Uncle Fester.

Oh, by George, the spitting
image of Cousin Bleak,

the time the boll
weevils got in his hair.

Uncle Fester, go
over to the large mirror.

You can get a better view.

Well, what do you think?

Fat.

Fine if you like the
short, tall, fat, skinny type.

Nonsense, Uncle Fester,
you're much too self-critical.

Why, with your basic
good looks and charm,

you could sweep Madelyn
off her feet in any one of these.

Get with it, old man.
Exude confidence!

That's easy for you to say.

You don't have to wear
a mop on your head.

Perhaps you're right.

Let's see. Ah,
let's try this one.

Hey, that's more like it.

Well, it does sort of give
you that Madison Avenue look.

Yeah, it's more my type.

Come in, come in.

A visitor.

Who is it, Lurch?

Pen pal.

Madelyn! She mustn't
see me like this.

Come on, Fester, that poor
girl's down there panting for you.

She's not panting for me.

She's panting for that tall, dark, handsome
athlete I told her I was, but ain't.

Uncle Fester, turn around.

Come, come.

Now who is that?

That's General
Ulysses S. Addams.

And what did he do at Vicksburg?

He surrendered.

Not until they
caught up with him.

And that same brave blood
courses through your veins.

Hey, you know, you're right.

I shouldn't let a
girl frighten me.

Not until you're married.

Gomez and I will
welcome Madelyn.

You come downstairs as soon
as you have your hair fixed.

After all, the poor girl has come
all the way from Paris, Illinois.

Well, if I'm not
down in five minutes,

I'll be on my way
to Paris, France.

Querida.

Welcome to the Addams house.

It's so nice to see you.

Oh, you can't imagine what a
thrill it is to meet Fester's parents.

Parents? Are they around?

Darling, I believe she means us.

We're not exactly
Uncle Fester's parents,

but we do try to help him
keep his things in order.

Especially his
lightbulb and his bats.

Bats?

He told me he was athletic.

And he has quite a
head on his shoulders.

Quite. You'll find him
fascinating, Miss...

Smith. Madelyn Cavendish
Beauregard Faversham Firestone Smith.

That's all one person?

Oh, no, no. Five.

They were my ex-husbands.

Were they pen pals, too?

Only Mr. Faversham.

The rest were
shipboard romances.

Battleship.

Where is that big,
strong, lovable Fester?

Fester!

Oh, dear, I do believe
he's gone to France.

Nonsense. Here's
your dream man now.

Howdy!

This is the cutest house.

We do our best to cute it up.

And that's the
cutest decoration.

Oh, that isn't a decoration,
that was Cousin Squint.

It's all we could save.

You're cute.

Darling, I'm afraid we
made a bad investment.

In Consolidated Dust?

In Uncle Fester's toupee.

We made him much too attractive.

It does seem to have brought
out the Don Juan in him.

In her, too.

Do you realize that that
woman has had five husbands?

Shows enterprise.

Enterprise? Nonsense.

She's probably just
a fickle coquette.

Coquette. That's French.

Speak some more, Tish.

Creme de menthe, savoir
faire, Brigitte Bardot, anything.

Not so loud, they'll hear you.

Ah, yes, where were we?

On Madelyn's five husbands.

I checked into
them. They all d*ed.

Mysteriously?

Not at all. su1c1de.

Oh. Darling, we have to break
it up for Uncle Fester's sake.

Morticia, do we have the right?

Of course not.

But I'm still worried.

About what, querida?

Uncle Fester's such a copycat.

Shall we... Shall we
sit on the loveseat?

Why not?

This is... This is so intime.

Madelyn, when you speak
French you make my blood boil.

Speak some more!

Hasta la vista.
Skal! Gesundheit!

Anything.

You men have such
a low boiling point.

Oh, you mad, impetuous boy, let
me run my fingers through your hair.

No, no. Watch it.
The glue's still wet.

Glue?

Oh, that's what I
call my pomade.

Well, got to do my workout.

You rang?

Lurch, my tackling dummy.

When a man loses his head over a
woman, it's a tragic thing to watch.

Don't worry, Uncle Fester
won't lose his head, just his hair.

The dummy.

Right over there, Lurch.

Now don't get too excited.

Be careful.

Fearless Fester?

Oh, darling! Oh, darling!

I'm all right, Coach.

You were magnificent.

Oh, say it in French.

Magnifique.

Oh, that does it!

You know what I like about you?

What?

You're different.

You're the first
one to ever notice.

He reminds me of someone.

Cousin Itt? That's the one.

Why don't we fly away?

Elope? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I can't wait
to become Mrs...

What is your last name, anyway?

You know, you're the first
one that ever asked that.

Never mind, never
mind. We'll leave it Smith.

That way we won't have to change
the monograms on the towels.

Oh, goody.

Darling, I'm worried.

About what?

Uncle Fester and Madelyn.

I think those two are in love.

With whom?

With each other.

Impossible.

No, it's not at all
impossible, darling.

According to their
horoscopes it's perfect.

She's a Capricorn
and he's a bachelor.

By george, you're right.

We may have to
accept her in the family.

Not only accept her.

We may have to
welcome her into the family.

Make sure that she's anxious to
marry Uncle Fester if she has any doubts.

Doubts? About a
catch like Fester?

True. He has dazzled her.

But I want her to realize that
he's beautiful on the inside, too.

He is. I've seen his x-ray.

By george, that's one
I've never made before.

Dear, I do hope Madelyn doesn't
wear that raccoon coat to the wedding.

We'll have her wear
something nice in black.

Querida, you've been practicing.

So you two children
are going to elope.

How quaint.

You modern kids
certainly are impetuous.

Once you've found
happiness, why wait?

Oh, he's so cute.

Well, if you're going to
elope, you'll need a ring.

Oh, it's beautiful.

What is it?

It's a gopher's tooth.

It was Grandmother Frump's.

Well, I better go
upstairs to get ready.

He's so cute.

Yes, but there's a lot more
to Fester than his good looks.

Sit down, my dear.

We'd like to tell you a few
little things about Uncle Fester,

and how to make him happy.

Querida.

Tell me everything.

Well, for one thing, he
likes to keep charged up.

You mean he drinks?

Oh, heavens, no.
Uncle Fester is electrical.

Oh, that.

Electrical?

He lights up.

Now, for newlyweds that can
be a real saving on electric bills.

I guess so.

And of course you know
the way to a man's heart.

Just speak French.

Gomez, darling, I was
thinking about cooking.

You'll want to know some of
Uncle Fester's favorite recipes.

French pastry?

Oh, no, no. Simple
things like eye of newt.

Newt?

Aren't they those
little crawly things?

Not after you cook them.

And when he's had a
nice, home-cooked meal,

Uncle Fester likes to
relax up in his tree house.

Tree house?

Be sure you pick a honeymoon
cottage with a tall tree.

All clear below! Here
comes the groom!

Well, hop on.
Let's hit the road.

Get lost, you electrical,
tree-sitting newt!

Did I do something wrong?

You got born, baldy.

I told you it wouldn't work.

It's just as well, Uncle Fester.

A woman who doesn't know
how to make a man happy

certainly wouldn't
make a good wife.

Besides, her French
was atrocious.

Well, who cares?

I could have never gone
through life with that itchy wig.

That's a lovely
attitude, Uncle Fester.

Someday you'll find
the right kind of woman.

A woman with just
your kind of tastes,

just your kind of interests,
and just your kind of head.

Now take your time, my dear.

Aim carefully.

That was pretty close,
Morticia. Watch it.

Don't worry, Fester, Annie
Oakley Addams never misses.

Well, almost never.

I'm getting out of here.

Dear Uncle Fester.

He just hasn't been the same
ever since that woman jilted him.

Well, the whole
thing is obvious to me.

She just didn't
like motorcycles.

Dear Uncle Fester.
He loves his so.

Not anymore. He's
taken up horseback riding.

Horseback riding?

Look.

Tally-ho!

So much more sensible.