01x32 - Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Addams Family". Aired: September 18, 1964 – April 8, 1966.*
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Morticia and Gomez Addams head a perplexingly macabre family whose members include a giant named Lurch, who acts as doorman, a disembodied hand named Thing, not-quite-right son Pugsley and morose daughter Wednesday.
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01x32 - Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Thank you, thank you.

And thank you, Lurch.

And, Lurch, would you mind
taking the children up to the tower?

Mama's waiting for them.

She wants to play pinochle.

Oh, goody.

Wasn't Morticia
marvelous, Cousin Itt?

He's asleep, dear.

How can you tell?

I can hear him snoring.

Shh.

Come.

We've entertained some
pretty cold audiences.

But at least they
didn't fall asleep.

They had the
decency to walk out.

Poor Cousin Itt is
troubled, darling.

He hasn't been
sleeping well lately.

I think he has a problem.

Problem? But
he's got everything.

A brilliant mind, a
charming personality.

And he's a great dresser.

That's true. But he can't
seem to find a place for himself.

A career that
would do him justice.

Querida.

Cousin Itt would make a
great undercover agent.

Special Agent 298.

No.

598? Think of all
those beautiful women.

Darling, Cousin Itt is probably
bored by beautiful women.

Let's wake him up.

Cousin Itt.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I didn't
mean to interrupt your dream.

Something exciting, old man?

That is exciting. Zooming
though the air in one of those jets.

Dreaming you were the pilot, eh?

The stewardess?

He is mixed up.

Of course, dear.

Go to your room
and finish your dream.

Tell us how it comes out.

Darling, we must think
of a way to help Cousin Itt.

We'd better. He's threatening
to go to the South Seas

and become a beachcomber.

We can't let that happen.

He'd never get the
sand out of his hair.

But we simply can't let a
fine human being like that

think he's a failure.

Might drive him into
doing something rash.

Darling, what about music?

He could become a
rock and roll singer.

Nobody would understand
a word he was saying.

No, Cousin Itt's a longhair.

Well, then, what
about the violin?

He could even make his own bows.

But I'd miss him so when he
goes on those long concert tours.

Oh, he is a
lovable little rascal.

Such a brilliant
conversationalist.

Voila! I have it.

Tish, that's French.

Darling, please. Let
me tell you my idea.

Let me tell you mine.

Later, dear, later.

Right now I want to
talk about Cousin Itt.

Ah, yes, where were we?

I have the perfect
career for Cousin Itt.

Marriage counselor.

Isn't he a bit inexperienced?

So is the hangman
till his first job.

The hangman. Perhaps...

No, Itt's more the
marriage counselor type.

That's true.

You rang?

Yes. Lurch, please
go wake up Cousin Itt.

He's embarking on a new
career, marriage counselor.

You see. We're
on the right track.

Querida.

Darling.

A stewardess?

Sorry.

Downstairs to
discuss your future.

A stewardess.

Why, marriage counseling
should be right up your alley.

Nonsense, you're
the perfect type.

Oh, no, Itt.

You have to be a girl
to be a stewardess.

It is not unfair.

That's just the way things are.

Besides, I'll prove to you that
you'd be a good marriage counselor.

Gomez and I will pretend to be

a married couple with a problem.

And we'll come to
you for counseling.

Far-fetched, but we'll go
though with the charade.

Will you do it, Itt?

Good. Inside you're all heart.

Quite a combination.

Inside all heart.
Outside all hair.

Cousin Itt, step down
to the desk, please.

Right this way. Here we are.

Maybe we should put a
telephone book under him.

No.

I think he should look at these
problems from his own viewpoint.

Right.

All right, Doctor, you're
open for business.

Querida.

Good afternoon, Dr. Itt.

We're a young married
couple and we have a problem.

What do you mean you're too
busy to see us? We need help.

Henry.

Henry and I have been
married for three days

and already he isn't
paying any attention to me.

Well, no wonder,
you haven't been

out of hair curlers
since the ceremony.

Why should I? All you ever do
is look at that silly newspaper.

I don't just look at the paper.

I study the stock market.

Oh, that's a laugh. You
study the stock market

and you don't have a
penny to your name.

No wonder I don't have a penny.

You spend it before I earn it.

Ha, ha, ha!

Tish, when you
laugh it drives me wild.

Darling, please.
We're two other people.

Oh, yes.

My mother always told
me you were a tightwad.

I'll tell you how
much I give her.

75 cents a day.

Plus carfare.

She's nothing but a spendthrift.

And I mean it.

Do you, Gomez, really?

Querida.

Of course not.

There was something
in your voice.

Maybe way down deep
inside you do think I'm wasteful.

Oh, Gomez.

Tish...

When you cry, it sets
my whole being aflame.

No. You just think
I'm a plaything.

And a delightful one, eh, Itt?

Right, right.

One man's meat is
another man's poison!

That does it.

I didn't say it. Itt did.

I'm going to my
room. I'll go with you.

No, thank you,
I'd rather be alone.

I'm going to finish
reading w*r and Peace.

What page are you on?

12.

Bigmouth.

Querida.

It's Gomez.

Passionflower.

What will Mama and
the children think?

Let me in.

Morticia, everyone's
in bed except me.

Querida.

Caramba.

Fine thing.

Just 'cause you two have a little
spat us innocents have to suffer.

I'm sorry, Uncle Fester.

But my sensibilities
have been wounded.

Nonsense, Cousin Itt.

It isn't your fault
because Mr. Addams

let his temper
run away with him.

Me? Loving father
and tender husband?

Temper?

I give up.

C'est terrible.

Morticia! That French again.

Forgive me, cara mia.

I've been a cad and a fool.

No, darling. Just a
cad. I've been a fool.

Sending you out
in your bare feet

without a thought
of your sinuses.

You're right.

We'd better get out of here
before this thing gets out of hand.

Querida, let's
fly away together.

A second honeymoon.

Darling, we've already
had a second honeymoon.

Then we'll have a
third, a fourth and a fifth.

Darling, we must
think about Cousin Itt.

Oh, yes. Where were we?

Obviously being a marriage
counselor isn't his cup of tea.

Perhaps his cup
of tea is failure.

That's what they used to say
about old Cornelius Addams.

And they were right.

But not about Cousin
Itt. He's different.

So he is. What can we do?

What do we always do when we
have an insurmountable problem?

Give up. Not always.

This time we'll call an expert.

An expert. Where
can we find one?

In the phone book.

Good thinking. Thing?

A-ha!

There we are.

"Vampires. Vikings. Vocational
guidance." Thank you, Thing.

Ah, here's one. Mortimer Phelps.

Oh, I remember him.

He's the one that
helped Cousin Trivia

get a career after
she got out of the wax.

WACs? The army?

The museum.

But does he really
know about jobs?

How to make good at them?

He should. He had hundreds
before he became a vocational expert.

Sounds like our man.

I... I... Goodbye.

On second thought, I'll stay.

Follow me.

Careful, that's
imported feathers.

Mr. Phelps.

Ah, Mr. Phelps.

Addams here. This
is Mrs. Addams.

Good of you to rush over.

Y-Y-You said it
was an emergency.

We didn't really expect you to
have to stay the night, though.

These are merely
the tools of my trade.

Nowadays vocational
guidance is an exact science.

Oh, good. Then you
won't have any trouble

finding the exact
position for Cousin Itt.

Cousin Itt?

From whose side of the family?

He's from both
sides of the family.

He hasn't quite found himself.

And with Cousin
Itt that's not easy.

He looks the same
from every angle.

Well, that's the kind
of a challenge I like.

In my profession
we have one motto,

"There's a place for everybody."

What was that?

That's Cousin Itt.

I know. You're wondering why
such an attractive young man

would have any trouble
finding employment.

Now, obviously he'd
be no good at basketball.

He hasn't got the stamina.

Darling, we mustn't
prejudice Mr. Phelps.

Let him make up his own mind.

But just on a first impression,

where would you say
that Cousin Itt belongs?

In a mattress.

You don't need a
vocational counselor,

what you need is a veterinarian.

No, I don't think that would do.

Cousin Itt doesn't
like animal husbandry.

Don't rush off, old man.

Remember your motto,
"A place for everyone."

Everyone, not everything.

This... This
project's impossible.

There... There isn't
enough time or money.

Money is no object.

Money is... Well,
then, let's... Let's try.

Send him in.

Good. Cousin Itt,
darling, come here.

Someone wants to meet you.

Is he human?

To a fault.

He'd give you the
hair right off his back.

Now first we'll try the
perception and coordination test.

Now, the object is to
get these blocks together

as quickly as possible.

Looks simple.

No, darling, I don't
think that's really quite...

I think this is the way it goes.

Oh, dear, why don't they give
instructions with these things?

Would you mind
letting the subject try it?

Not at all.

No, Cousin Itt.
It is not a game.

Would you mind
doing that again slowly?

I've never been able to
get these things together.

It's amazing, isn't it?

So that's how it's done.

Yellow one goes...

Well, let's try something
a little more advanced,

the Rorschach tests.

By george, I've seen
that somewhere before.

Well, of course, they're
the Rorschach inkblots.

A-ha! I have it.

Morticia's inkblot.

That Rorschach did have a touch.

Please?

Now tell me what you see.

That's obvious, it's the
ancient fertility dance.

Gomez.

Modern fertility dance?

They're not dancing.

By george, you're
right. It's a bathtub.

Please. We're trying
to test Cousin Itt.

Now what do you see?

A bunch of bananas?
Oh, the poor dear.

The poor dear is right.

That's what
Rorschach says it is.

I still say it's a bathtub.

Now think carefully.
What is this?

He says it's a
slaughterhouse in Chicago.

Robins singing?

Sunrise over Phoenix?

Moon over Miami?

Why, it's amazing.

He got every one of them right.

Now let's test his imagination.

Now, I'll say a
word, and you say

whatever word
pops into your mind.

Um, bird.

Vulture. Molting.

Mating. Nesting.

Billing. Cooing.

Lips.

Red. Kiss me.

Please!

I will not tolerate
anymore interruptions.

Really, old man, you don't
understand true love when you see it.

Darling Gomez,
Mr. Phelps is right.

Itt now. Us later.

Thank you.

Now if we're all ready...

Black.

Love. Frustrated.

Mr. Addams, please let the
young man answer for himself.

Love.

Dry.

Good glory, I can
understand him.

Of course. All you have to
do is get used to his accent.

Look at the two of them, chatting
away in perfect understanding.

It's heartening, isn't it?

Perhaps the United
Nations will work.

How long has
Phelps been in there?

Oh, he's been evaluating that
data for over three hours now.

This is nerve-wracking.

I can't stand it.

Poor Cousin Itt.

He's so nervous, he went up in
the tree house with Uncle Fester.

I hope a passing eagle
doesn't snatch him up.

Oh, dear, he would make good
nesting material, wouldn't he?

How long's this gonna take?

Cousin Itt's getting so
nervous he's starting to stutter.

Patience. You
can't hurry science.

After all, Madame Curie didn't
invent the cotton gin in minutes.

Friends...

Well, old man,
what's the verdict?

Only once in a lifetime does
a case like this come along.

Now, you may not realize it, but
Cousin Itt is no ordinary person.

Of course not. He's
got an IQ of 320,

and that's without his shoes on.

This young man could be a nuclear
physicist, an outstanding general,

a brilliant surgeon.

Wonderful idea.

He could operate
without stooping.

Once he got you open
he could look right in.

But there is always
the one perfect career.

And for Cousin Itt, with
his great compassion

and sense of human understanding,
that one perfect career is

marriage counselor.

You rang?

Lurch, show this quack the door.

Yes, Mr. Addams.

Morticia, we'll have to stop
calling in these incompetent experts.

You're so right, darling.

I don't know how he ever
got in the phone book.

Oh, but that's a marvelous idea.

Going to the South
Sea Islands to paint.

Of course, all Itt'll have to do

is jump in the paint bucket
and roll around on the canvas.

Very colorful. Both
his work and he.

Rather careless of old Phelps
to leave his testing blocks behind.

He did seem to be in
a hurry, didn't he? Yes.

Well, I think I've
got it down pat now.

Give me a fast count
to 10 and I'll try it.

All right, dear.

One, two, three...
That's it, got it.

Are you sure? It
looks a little different.

So it does.

Well, poor Cousin Itt
must have gotten it wrong.

Now I'll count and you try it.

No, darling. One genius
in the family is enough.

Mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

It's from Cousin
Itt in Pango Pango.

How's he getting along?

Beautifully. He's the
official tourist guide,

showing the people
the interesting sights.

As a matter of fact, he's become

the most interesting
sight himself.

Oh, he certainly must have
won a place in their hearts.

They have his picture
on a postage stamp.

Ah, dear Cousin Itt.

Someday he'll become
a collector's item.

He is already. WEDNESDAY:
Mommy, Daddy.

Yes, Wednesday,
what is it, darling?

May I play with the blocks?

Well, of course, dear.
Here, help yourself.

I think that's a
little closer to it.

Really?

Gomez, darling,
don't be jealous.

There is room in the family
for one and a half geniuses.
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