02x17 - Morticia and Gomez vs. Fester and Grandmama

[bunniefuu]

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Thank you, Thing.

Not bad for a beginner.

Look who my teacher is.

That's true!

But remember in the future, my dear,

follow through! Follow through!

Mother, can we go out and play?

In this weather?
With all that blue sky and sunshine?

We've been in for two weeks now.

And there's nothing left to do.

I know just the thing!

How would you children
like to come down to the moat

and watch me wrestle with the alligator?

- In the quicksand.
- In the quicksand?

Oh, goody!

Oh, yes! I see what I've been doing wrong.

Oh, thank you, Thing.

- Gomez.
- Yes, my dear.

I'm concerned about the children.

I know!
But every silver lining has its cloud.

And with all of us cooped up here
on account of the elements,

it's bound to get a bit sticky.

Oh, no, darling.
That isn't exactly what I meant.

You know, I thought
Uncle Fester was spoiling them,

but Mama is even worse.

She lets them sit on her back
in the morning

when she does her pushups,

she's told them
where I keep the yak fudge,

and I know she's letting Pugsley
sleep with his tarantula.

I'm going to speak to her!

But gently, Morticia, gently.

Of course.

I threw him in 12 seconds flat.

And she's gonna do it again this afternoon.

With one hand tied.

Mama, that's the fourth time this week.

Don't worry. I'm in good shape.

I'm gonna work out again
on my trampoline.

It's the children
we're concerned about, Mama.

You probably don't realize it,
but you're being much too indulgent.

Besides, you're wearing out
the poor alligator.

And you're shedding crocodile tears.

Pish tosh!

And I think she means it.

Oh, blue skies again!

Oh, those dreadful petals
getting larger and larger,

and my poor thorns just wilting away.

Great game, polo!
I may donate a field to the orphanage.

On your way, Kelso.

Good sh*t, darling.

The door.

Sounds like a wild beast.

Optimist! Whoa!

Gomez, is it really you?

Maybe not. I haven't been myself lately.

Morticia!

Thank you. Am I really home?

Doesn't it look like it, dear?

I don't know.

Those blue skies,

all that sunshine.

It's done something to my mind.

I thought
I was home twice already this afternoon.

Both times it turned out to be a mirage.

Whee!

Thank goodness. This time it's real.

Mama just can't seem to stay
on that trampoline.

Uncle Fester, what ever possessed you
to go out on a day like this?

I had no choice.

There wasn't a single stick
left in the whole house.

And you know
they don't deliver on weekends.

Couldn't it have waited till Monday?

What? Wait three whole days
without an expl*si*n?

How are you going to explain
that to a child?

Uncle Fester, don't you think

you've been indulging them
a bit too much?

Fester, my parents were rich,
but when I was a boy,

I sold newspapers, collected bottles,
scrimped and saved my kopeks,

so that I could buy one single stick
of 40% nitro.

Now, that's how you build character.

But it makes them so happy.

Uncle Fester, a happy child is merely
an unhappy child who's having fun.

For their sakes, I'll take care of this
for a while.

But that's my dynamite.
I paid for it with my blood, sweat,

and my alligator egg money.

Uncle Fester, please try and understand.

We don't want
you and Mama spoiling the children.

Well, I don't call the bare necessities
of life spoiling them.

All right.

I'll be up in my closet sulking.

Kind of dark in there.

I don't think we were unreasonable.
Do you?

Oh, of course not, darling.
You know he loves to pout.

It keeps his battery charged.

You rang?

Yes, Lurch. Would you...

Darling.

Where should we store
Uncle Fester's dynamite?

That little shelf right above the furnace
should be perfect.

As for the weather,

this part of the country will
remain unchanged.

- Fair.
- Clear.

- Sunny.
- Maddening!

Meanwhile, the Gulf Coast states
are bracing themselves

for the arrival of hurricane Zsa Zsa.

Hurricane Zsa Zsa.

Oh, Gomez. It makes me go all tingly
all over just to think about it.

If we hurry,
we can drive down and catch it.

Divine.

Oh, no. It isn't. Darling, we can't go.
The children are in school.

And we couldn't leave them
with Uncle Fester and Mama.

It would be such an imposition.

True.

We won't have to. I'll engage a governess.

You're always at your best in a crisis.

You're so inspiring.

That's what they said
about Old Ebenezer Addams.

When he led the early settlers
across the great plains?

When he sold the first g*ns to the Indians.

He really was a pioneer.

I'm going to engage a governess.

This is Mrs. Addams,
over on Cemetery Ridge.

I'd like to engage a governess
for a week or two.

Oh? Just a moment.

They have a Miss Thudd.

She speaks Choctaw like a native
and holds a white hunter's license.

Sounds like a gem.

Miss Thudd will be acceptable.

A hundred dollars?

Sounds like a steal.

A hundred dollars seems a bit high.

After all, we do have a butler to
take care of the alligator in the basement.

Yes. Alligator.

All she'd have to do is supervise
the children and a few African stranglers.

She'd see that their food is well cooked
and that they brush after every meal.

No, not the children, the stranglers.

Two hundred dollars?

Very well, we'll take it.

I kept her from going to three.

That's what I call horse trading.

Zsa Zsa, here we come.

One thing about traveling light,
it doesn't take you long to pack.

Tish.

You sentimental little dickens.

I wore it at our first hurricane.

They'll be gone a whole week.
It shows that they really do count on us.

I fixed them a snack for the road.

You better take it to them
before it stiffens.

That's beautiful.

You know what?

I like it the way
they trust us with the children.

It gets me right here.

Oh?

Oh?

Oh.

Well, thank you very much for calling.

Gomez.

The governess can't be here
until tomorrow.

Oh, well.

We'll just have to miss the first day
of the big blow.

If you've seen them sandbag one lobby,
you've seen them all.

I don't like the sound of that cough.

And we don't like the sound
of what Lurch just told us.

Yeah, the truth is finally out.
You don't trust us with the children.

You think we're too feeble and too old
and too unreliable.

And too shiftless and too low-down
and too uncouth and...

- Fester!
- I was carried away.

Oh, my dears, we simply didn't want to
burden you with the responsibility.

See? You heard it from her own lips.

- We're not responsible.
- Don't be foolish.

Now we're foolish, too. Let's clear out.

All right, we're gonna go
pack up our money and my light bulb.

Gomez, darling, stop them.

Don't worry, my dear.
They're obviously bluffing about leaving.

They're merely children,

and from time to time,
need mature, sensible guidance.

We're not helpless.
Imagine a governess in our house.

Fester!
You know the combination of that safe.

How many times do I have to tell you?
It's so much more fun cracking it.

My. The things that come
out of a nest egg!

That little fellow must be hungry.

Fester, I just remembered.
There's no money in there.

Something better than money.
The great Star of the East.

Oh, yes! The sacred ruby

that Great-Grandfather Blob
pried from the head of the Hindu idol.

Not pried from the head of a Hindu idol,
pried from the head of a Hindu.

It was giving him a terrible headache,
and he was so relieved,

he gave Great-Grandpapa
a present of the ruby.

Gone.

- Burglars?
- Couldn't be.

Why would they take just that
and leave the rest of these valuables?

Let me take a peek.

Remember?

Oh, yeah!

That cat that yowled half the night.

Well, it was the only rock in the house.

That's that. Now we gotta stay home.

We'll do the next best thing.

Now, they'll stay on their side and,
since we're not needed,

we'll stay over here.

One thing, this whole business
is so outlandish, it can't last.

We'll keep it just this way from now on.

I should have thought of this 20 years ago.

Well, we might as well have lunch.

You rang?

Hey, here's a hot one.

Good-as-new rickshaw,
never been on a freeway, only $98.

See Slippery Sam, the honest Chinaman.

I'd have to see that first.

- We got gypped the last time.
- Yeah.

Oh, Lurch. Ask Mr. Addams if I can
see the sports page please.

And if Mrs. Addams doesn't mind,
I'd like fashions.

Sports page.

See if you can get the want ads.
That rickshaw sounds like a steal.

Lurch, I'd like theater and arts
when Mama is through.

- I heard him.
- I did, too.

Thank you, Lurch.

Thank you.

By george! Here's an interesting want ad.

The ladies skirts will be longer this year.

Lurch, you gave me the sports page.

And I've got finance.

Yeah, and I'm stuck with the news.

I got finance again.

He gave me the society page.

Schwarzkopf pitches no-hitter!

Not bad for a rickshaw boy.

Am I back to sports again?

Appears to be. I'm in want ads.

Lurch, you gave me real estate.

And I certainly don't need beauty hints.

Oh, that must be the new governess.

Better answer the door, Lurch.

I am the new governess.

Follow me.

That throat needs tending.

Definitely!

Wait here.

Ah, Miss Thudd.

Just call me Thudd.

We hope you'll like it here, Thudd.

I like the house.

It is nice and homey, isn't it?

Cheerful, too.

I think it would be even cheerier
if we put up a few more family pictures.

Oh, darling,
it would be too much with that.

Oh, of course.

Cousin Nanook's family.

Won't you sit down?

I prefer to stand.

Ah, children.

This is Wednesday and Pugsley,
our children.

Darlings, this is
your new governess, Thudd.

My guillotine's busted.

"Broken," not "busted."

Well, either way, we can't make it work.

You must think positively.
Keep repeating firmly to yourself,

"My guillotine will work.
My guillotine will work.

"My guillotine will work."

I like her attitude.

She's our kind of people.

Well, you're in complete charge, Thudd.

Follow me.

Run along, children. Have fun!

Did you ever see happier expressions
on children's faces?

Thudd does have winning ways.

We refuse to remain
under the same roof with her.

Right. We're leaving.

But you haven't any money.

We have something better than money.
We have the old Addams ingenuity.

I can get a job as carhop.
Or, better still, an airline hostess.

And I can always go back to testing
skateboards or...

I may take a whack at brain surgery.
Come, Mama, the world is waiting.

They may be naive and misguided but,
by Jove, they're glorious.

You rang?

Yes, Lurch,
please put our luggage in the car.

Every now and then,
there's a bear gets in here. Mean devil.

Well, who knows?
We may have an indoor hurricane.

Oh, Gomez, it's exactly
as I remembered it.

Divine.

You're the first customers we've had here
since you was here two years ago.

Gomez, darling. Look!

So, that's where you left it.

I'm coming to think
there's something wrong with this place.

Maybe the location.

Nonsense. The location is ideal.

Why, the vinegar works are over there,
glue factory is right behind you.

Gomez, darling.
That thunder is like music to my ears.

Folks, we're trying a new policy.

Free Continental breakfast.

Obviously catering to the jet set.

Nope, we got to use up the eggs. A flock
of hens been nesting in number six.

Here's your key.

Oh, one other little thing.

Watch out for the badger trap
under the bed.

What a divine touch.

Stick with me, Tish.

First class, all the way.

Morticia! You, a night, and a swamp.

Gomez, darling.

Why don't we get into
something more comfortable?

Capital suggestion!

Fair warning, querida.

I'm coming out with that new cologne,
Deadwood number five.

Gomez.

Gomez, come here, quick.

Quickly. Quickly! Hurry! Hurry, Gomez!

Oh, no, no, no, darling. The suitcase. Look.

Thudd's! Lurch obviously gave me
this one by mistake.

Certainly looks that way.

Vitamins?

This Thudd seems more like a dud.

Look at this. Mother Goose, and...

Sugar plums.

Oatmeal cookies, lollypops... An apple.

That women's a fraud.

Well, she can't be all bad.

Really? Reading Dr. Spock?

Oh, I thought it was Dr. Spook.

Gomez, how could we have been taken
in by a pretty face and a little charm.

- We must go back.
- Let's hope we're not too late.

- Lurch!
- Lurch, open up.

Oh, dear.

Lurch, is everything all right?

Wednesday? Pugsley?

Children?

Pugsley? Wednesday?

Lurch, what happened?

Oh, dear!

Gomez.

Gomez, I'm afraid we're too late.

Better let me check first, my dear.

So...

The honeymooners are back.

Did you enjoy your hurricane?

Fester, Mama. What are you doing here?

- Our duty.
- Unlike some people I know.

We couldn't leave the children
in the hands of that fiend.

So, we swallowed our pride,
came back and fired her.

I think she's on her way
to join the Peace Corps.

Thank goodness!

Well, since we are not needed here,

I can just about make the swing shift
at the skateboard factory.

I have to get back to the drive-in.

Uncle Fester, Mama, please stay.

We love you and the children need you.

Besides, the old place
wouldn't be the same without you.

Well, I'll stay, but on one condition.

The sky's the limit.

I'm a grown man.

And a fine, intelligent one.

I can't be treated like a child.

No grown man should be
treated like a child.

So, I want my dynamite back.

That's a deal.

Goody.

For a moment there, I thought
he was gonna ask for something silly.

Something silly? Uncle Fester?

Oh, it's such a comfort to know
that the children are back in good hands.

- Cara.
- Darling.

- Good sh*t, Thing.
- Good sh*t, Thing.

It's wonderful having everybody
back together again, isn't it?

Yes, but I am a little sorry about
missing hurricane Zsa Zsa.

Zsa Zsa!

Everybody outside.

You and I can go up to the attic.

The attic?

I know how sentimental you are about
the Last Chance Motel.

I tore a big hole in the roof.

Darling...