01x08 - The Two Jakes

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

All right, it's Saturday.

I got a lot of nothing planned
for today so let's get to it!

A lot of nothing?

But look at all the fun stuff
on today's community calendar:

A car show,
a line-dancing contest...

a pie festival!

Ooh!

All perfect for our
father-son day, Jake.

Let's take a joyride
to a line-dancing contest

and start a pie fight.

Or we can do something

that doesn't ruin
other people's good time.

You're taking a lot off
the table there.

[fly buzzing]

Great, a fly got in.

I guess this is my
entertainment for the day.

[grunts]

COLBY:
Amy, stop! It's me, Colby!

I shape-shifted into a fly

and I've been stuck ever since.

So you're still gross
but now you have wings.

COLBY: Pretty much.

Wait, you're a fly now?

Then why have I been talking to
this oven mitt all morning?

We just thought
you were losing it.

And I'm nice now,

so I didn't want to
say anything.

Morning.

Hey, Mom, what are you
all dressed up for?

Well, I'm going to
the community job fair

at your school.

Mama's gonna join
the work force!

Why do you want a job?

I mean, I get the money part,

but don't they
make you work, too?

Everyone in the family
has found

a place in this new life
except me.

I mean, you all go to school,

your father's
a substitute teacher...

I used to be third in command
of all villains.

And now I spend my day
building castles

out of tortilla chips.

[chuckles] Spoiler alert:
The drawbridge is my mouth.

Good for you getting a job.

Bad for whoever you work for,
but good for you!

I'm glad you feel that way

because you're both
coming with me.

For moral support?

No. To show me where
your silly little school is.

[fly buzzing]

Is that a fly?

- [electricity crackles]
- I'll get him!

Wait, Mom, no!
That's Colby!

[opening theme plays]

[upbeat rock music]

[knocking on door]

Hello, Celia.

Mm-hmm.

And Robert, the police chief!

So nice to see you!

Since we are
law-abiding citizens.

In fact, that's my favorite
thing to do with the law:

Abide it.

Well, I need my paint supplies,

so about you abide outta my way?

Wait. Why are your
paint supplies in here?

I don't want 'em at my house.

I need the space for my
medieval weapons collection.

You haven't lived till you've
seen her wield a Viking axe.

Well, I guess
I'd rather not live.

The paint's for me.

I'm doing a little graffiti
cleanup downtown.

Oh, cool. Can I help?

I've been looking for ways

to get more involved
in the community.

Absolutely!

That's very admirable, son.

But I thought we were gonna
hang out today, actual son.

Its' okay, Dad. We can still
do something this afternoon.

This afternoon, huh?
Deal.

I'll see you at 12:01 sharp.

Well, Robert, while you're out,

I'll be preparing for our
one-month anniversary tonight.

Ooh, that's what I call
a win-win.

- How about a little preview? [Laughs]
- Oh!

There are children in the room!

[laughs]

Well, it's about time!

You were supposed to
be back hours ago.

You kept me waiting so long,

I ate three of
your mom's chip castles.

Your son was a machine today!

He cleaned up every last shred
of graffiti in town.

Sorry for accidentally
erasing all those crosswalks.

That's okay. You gave me
a reason to write more

jay walking tickets.

Anyway, thanks again
for your help.

[Rob laughs]

Wow. That guy should
arrest himself

for overstaying his welcome.

Anyway...

check out the amazing
afternoon I planned for us.

[chuckles] Don't you think
I'm a little old to play with toys?

Don't you think you're a little
old to play with toys?

We're not playing with them.

We're using them to plan
a cell-tower heist.

Why would we do that?

The cell reception here
is terrible.

But with your super strength,

we can move the tower from

across town to our neighborhood.

This is the plan.
This one's me.

"Hey, Jake, lift up
that cell tower, would ya?"

"Sure thing, Dad!
You're the best!"

"Uh-oh, here comes
that dork Robert!"

[imitates police siren]
"You're not my real dad!"

[imitates crashing]

Should I be worried about you?

Come on, Jake! You and I used to
do stuff like this all the time!

Remember when we chiseled
my face into Mount Rushmore?

Of course. Your nose fell off
and it started a rock slide.

Dad, I told you I'm just
not into doing

villain stuff anymore.

Oh, okay,
I'll meet you halfway.

Why don't we just
hit golf balls

into the neighbors' chimneys.

That's fun, innocent.

Nobody gets hurt except
the occasional roofer.

[laughs] Ha!

Actually, I was hoping
we could postpone

our plan to hang out today
so I can go on

a ride-along with Robert.

A ride-along?! In a police car?

You know that's our family's
least favorite kind of car!

But if you'd rather do that
than hang out with me...

Thanks, Dad!

[upbeat rock music]

Wow, Hartley.
This resumé you wrote

makes my mom's work history
sound amazing.

I had no idea you're a better liar on paper
than you are in person?

I didn't lie.
I "finessed" the words.

But let's just hope nobody
calls the references

because those are all fake.

Well, I don't know how you could
possibly "finesse"

that I was the number three
villain in the world,

specializing in electrocution.

By saying you were
a senior executive

with expertise in
electrical engineering.

Oh! That's good!

That's like lying without lying.

Okay, now let's go get me a job!

[clears throat]

Uh, hi.

Hi, Donna Plank, founder of
FacciaGrande face cream.

And you are?

I'm Eva Madden.

This is my resumé!
[laughs]

Donna Plank doesn't do paper.

I want you to tell me
why I should hire you.

Uh...

Don't be nervous but
you're already tanking this.

[chuckles] No.
[stammers]

[groans]

I think that was
a great first try.

[chuckles]
Are you finessing words again?

What do you think?

Jake may not want to
hang out now

but wait till he sees me
having fun

with a clone of his old
villainous self!

[sighs] Bad Jake is your boy!

Uh, don't get too excited.

You're basically
gonna live for a day.

But once he gets jealous
and comes back to me,

I'll vaporize you
and everybody wins.

Oh. I don't wanna vaporize
the wrong one.

Here. Wear this pin
so I can tell you apart.

Wait, so you're telling me
I only exist
to be a tool of your spite?

No! You're a synthetic symbol
of my love for my son.

But you're still only
gonna live for a day.

Works for me!

Hey! I spent hours on that!

We are gonna have so much fun!

♪♪

Okay, Jake should be here
any minute.

Whatever you do, look like
you're having a blast!

I wasn't even alive
two hours ago.

Of course, I'm having a blast.

What is going on?

Oh, hi. I'm Bad Jake.

You must be... Lame Jake.

No, I'm regular Jake.

I mean, Normal Jake...
Just Jake!

Since you don't want to
hang out with me anymore,

you wouldn't mind if I made
a clone of you who does.

You have to get rid of him.

What's the matter?
You jealous?

- [knocking on door]
- CELIA: Hello? Anybody home?

No, I'm worried
that our landlady

who comes over every ten minutes

might see that
there's two of me!

Good point. Bad Jake, go hide.

Sorry, old man.
I play by my own rules.

I'm sorry, but how can you
not love this guy?!

CELIA:
Time's up! I'm coming in!

[grunts]

Hello, Celia! Look at you.

Dating the police chief and
still making illegal entries.

Look at you.
Still thinking I care.

I came to talk to Jake.

Since you've gotten
to know Robert,

I wanted to get your opinion
on the anniversary gift

I picked out for him.

Lame! Get him a flame thrower.

Good idea! I can get him one
that matches mine!

And that's why we can't keep
Bad Jake around.

Why? Because you're jealous?

No! Stop saying that.

And stop making fake people
to get back with your family.

This is just like the time
you made a fake mom

'cause the real one
forgot your birthday!

She'll never make
that mistake again.

Whatever, I have to get ready
for the ride-along.

All right, Bad Jake,
this is not working.

We have to up our game.

Time to hit some golf balls
into the neighbor's chimneys!

Yeah!

All right, I love you
but that's getting old.

- Mom, are you okay?
- I don't know what just happened.

I have always been
fearless,

and she asked me why
she should hire me,

and I... froze.

That happens to me
at the fro-yo shop.

I walk in knowing what I want
but when they take my order,

I freeze up in a vortex of
vanilla, chocolate and swirl.

The struggle is real.

Maybe you were just feeling
pressured

because of the resumé scam.

Mm. Leave it to Hartley

to bring us all down
with her lies.

- What?
- I hate to say it,

but I think
Onyx passing me over

for that promotion has
really gotten into my head.

I gave that job
20 years of my life.

And now,
I've lost my identity,

my confidence,

my lifetime membership at
the villain fitness center.

Villains have a fitness center?

[chuckles] It's more of
a dungeon with a treadmill.

Mom, look, I know it didn't go
the way you planned

but did you really want a job
selling face cream

for Donna Plank?

It's not about the job, love.

It's about proving to myself
that I can

feel just as important as
I used to in the villain world.

Well then, you're going back
to finish that interview.

- Oh.
- How?

She couldn't even
get a word out.

Well then, we'll just have
to get the words out for her.

[upbeat rock music]

- Ready, Colby?
- COLBY: This better be good.

I was just about to cannonball
into someone's chowder.

Here's the plan.

Mom, you'll try interviewing
again but this time,

Colby will be listening
to questions.

Then he'll fly back
and feed them to Hartley.

Then she'll tell me
how you should respond

and I'll use my vocal
manipulation to make you say it.

Brilliant! And so simple!

Wait, do you have the power
to make people

say whatever you want?

I sure do.
Whoa, that was creepy!

Don't call it creepy.
Stop that!

Hello! I'm back for my
follow-up interview.

Donna Plank doesn't do
second chances.

But since I am legally required
to conduct interviews

before I just give the job
to my niece...

Go ahead, tell me about
your sales experience.

Oh, uh...

[fly buzzing]

COLBY: She wants to know about
Mom's sales experience.

Well, she did help Onyx
sell stolen weapons

to a foreign dictator.

- What?
- Stop judging. Start finessing.

[Donna] Hello?

Okay, try this...

I have facilitated high-level

government purchases
of valuable assets.

Impressive.

Although you did take
a very long pause

before answering.

Yes.

[fly buzzing]

This thing
is driving me crazy!

- Hey. Don't hurt it!
- Don't hurt the fly?

That's it! To sell FacciaGrande

you have to crush
the competition

and you are so weak,
you can't even crush a fly!

We're done. I am so glad
I didn't offer you water.

My mom never backs down
from a fight.

This is gonna get ugly.

Thank you for for your time.

Okay, that is not my mom.

- Fore!
- MAN: Ouch!

Ooh...

Bad day for that kind
of lay out on the sundeck.

Hey, Jake, get out here
and see all the fun

I'm having with your clone!

Probably shouldn't be shouting
that. I'll go get him.

[bird squawking]

Whoa, I almost got a birdie!

Oh, that's why
they call it that.

Hey, Jake.

Ready to go for a ride
in my squad car?

Oh, no. You're not getting me
in the back of one of those.

Don't be silly.
You're riding up front.

Wait, really?

I'm in!

Come on, Jake!
How many people can say

they've caddied
for their own clone?

[car departs]

Wait. Why is Robert's squad car
leaving without me?

Well, he obviously hates you.

I tried to warn you
about that guy.

No, look!

Robert took Bad Jake
on the ride-along!

Well, on the bright side,

it looks like your afternoon
just opened up.

[upbeat rock music]

I told you Bad Jake
was a bad idea!

Now my evil clone is on
a ride-along
with the chief of police!

He's gonna figure out
we're villains!

Let's not panic yet.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Whoo-hoo!

- Get in here!
- Fine.

Nice haircut, lady!

Do you and your labradoodle
use the same groomer?

Hey! That's rude.

Although that haircut
is a crime!

It's just one interview,
Mrs. Madden.

You'll get the next one.

Or the one after that.
Or the one after that.

- Hartley!
- What?

It's a numbers game!

I really thought
our plan would work.

It's not your fault.
[chuckles]

Maybe Donna Plank is right.

Maybe Onyx was right.
Maybe I am weak.

No! No way!
You are not weak!

You are the same
unstoppable woman

I grew up wanting to be like.

You just need to show that
clueless second rate

cream queen who you really are.

[chuckles]

You're right.

I've been letting the Onyx's
of the world get me down.

For what?

I mean, I know what
I'm capable of.

And I do appreciate you
standing up to him for me.

But somewhere along the way,

wow, I lost my voice.

It's time to start speaking
for myself again.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Alright, Planky. Let's do this.

Ugh. You again.

Yeah, it's me again!

Eva Madden.
That's right, I can say
my whole name, too!

You think I can't
squash a fly?

[scoffs] I could crush
everything in my path!

Oh, now that's the mom I know.

My ruthlessness and cruelty
put this place on the map!

And you pick that half-lizard
Slither over me?

Okay, Mom,
taking a weird left turn.

You sit there like
a deluded fool

on your fancy throne

and you will never...

rule the world without me...

Onyx.

What's going on?

Did you just chug
an energy drink?

[chuckles]

I think we had a real
personal breakthrough.

- It's time to go now.
- I'm not done!

You don't think I can sell
your stupid face cream?

Oh. All I need to do is show
everyone here how it works.

[sputters]

[giggles]

Now, when do I start?

One-Adam-Twelve, we have a
suspect who won't stop farting,

he should be considered
silent but deadly.

[laughs]

Give me that!

What's gotten into you?

I'm about to take you
to the station

and give you a "ride-along"
in a holding cell.

- Surprise!
- Ahh!

Celia! What are you doing
back there?

I wanted to surprise you
for our anniversary.

I was trying
to leave you a gift,

but there's no door handles
back here.

So, you've been
hiding for an hour?

I would have popped up sooner
but I really like eavesdropping.

WOMAN [over radio]: All units,
we have a disturbance

at the Valley View High
job fair.

Ooh, that doesn't sound good.

Maybe we should swing by the
house and grab my flamethrower.

[upbeat rock music]

Whoo!

No one, and I mean no one

face-creams Donna Plank!

Oh!

Well, that's obvious.

I mean, you don't even
face-cream yourself.

I mean, just look at all
those frown lines.

Oh!

I moisturize daily!

Break it up, folks.

Let's calm down...
Oh!

Who did that?

ALL: She did.

You're coming with me.

Wait, what? But I didn't do it!

Don't you know who I am?

Of course, I do.

Your face cream
has scarred half the state.

Allegedly!

Hurry up and book her!

We have dinner reservations.

Job fair, huh?

Well, it's fair to say
I'll do a great job

wrecking this place.

Jake, what are you doing?

[grunts]

Psst! Over here!

What... Jake? What is going on?

That's not me.
That's an evil clone Dad made.

Head's up!
[grunts]

Luckily, I implanted
a tracker in him.

And a few other surprises
that we won't go into right now.

We have to get everyone
out of here!

- On it.
- Hartley? I need your help.

- [alarm blares]
- That's the alarm.

Come on, everyone!

[murmuring]

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Hey, clone!

There's only room
for one Jake in this town.

With lines like that,

no wonder he wanted
to replace you.

I love this! No matter
who wins, Jake loses!

[grunts]

[Jake groans]

What just happened?

I might have given him
ten times your strength.

I'm sorry but what's the point
of making a clone

if he isn't fully loaded?

Then how am I
supposed to b*at him?

Ooh, I know.

Hey, Colby!

[fly buzzing]

Be a dear and distract
Bad Jake for us.

COLBY: On it!

[fly buzzing]

[grunts]

Oh, man!
I totally owned that clone!

You know, let's be honest.

I think the fly did most
of the heavy lifting.

[upbeat rock music]

I'm sorry you didn't get
the job, Mom.

Oh, it's okay.

Hey. Thanks to you,
I got something better.

Your confidence?

I was gonna say my first face
cream brawl,

but, yeah, that works.

Son, I guess you were right.

I should have
never made Bad Jake.

Whoa. Is this an apology?

I don't know.
I've never done one.

Look, I don't know
what happened.

I guess I got a little jealous

when I saw you
bonding with Robert.

And it made me miss the old days

and the trouble
we used to get into.

So I thought
if I could make you jealous,

maybe you'd want
to hang out again.

You don't need to make me
jealous, you're my dad.

It's just that...

things are
a little different now

and we have to find stuff
we both like doing.

Hm, okay.
Well, if that's the case,

you wanna go make fun
of Bad Jake

before I vaporize him?

Well, that's what
I call quality time.

[Vic laughs]

How 'bout, "Hey, Bad Jake,

I feel like
I'm looking in a mirror.

- A broken mirror."
- [laughs]

"Hey, Bad Jake.
Plagiarize your DNA much?"

[laughs]

Hey, Bad Jake.

Nice smoldering eyes
you got there.

Yeah, that felt weird
coming out.

Hey.

Bad Jake's gone.

And he took out his tracker.

No worries.
I'll just build another Jake

to track him down.

No!