01x06 - Super Secrets

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Mom, can you sign this?

Turns out you can't be late
in school days in a row.

Amy, when did you start going to school?

Good morning, everybody.

Is that Colby?

I thought he was stuck as a towel.

He was. Then this morning,

he randomly shape shifted into that.

I'm a sledgehammer.

And you're bragging about it?

We need you to turn into something cool.

You're like the cottage
cheese of shape shifting.

Oh, what's in the bag?

Oh, just some stuff I'm throwing away.

I'm trying to declutter my
life of unnecessary things.

Oh, me, too. And yet you're still here.

Hey, have you [INDISTINCT] if you notice

Jake's been acting weird
the past couple of days?

We're no weirder than usual.

I mean who am I to say?
My son's a sledgehammer.

STARLING: I know who you are.

- I'll take it from here.
- [GASPS]

I always sift through
you trash to make sure

everything's properly recycled.

Oh, by the way,

can you tell your mom the
mirror that she clipped off

the neighbor's car isn't biodegradable?

Another one?

I really got to start hiding her keys.

Hartley, I really appreciate it

but I can divide my own trash.

No, really, I don't mind.

No. Seriously, I... I've got it.

Let go off the bag, Jake.

You let go of the bag, Hartley.

[GRUNTS]

HARTLEY: A-ha! I knew it.

Paper!

Wait, what are you doing
with Starling's autograph?

And how does she know who you are?

- She knows who you are?
- Shhh.

As in she knows you're
Chaos, the Supervillain?

Apparently.

But let's focus on what's
really important here.

Should we be separating Dad's uranium

from the plastic bottles?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm so confused.

If Starling knows who you really are,

why didn't she lock
you up at ColossalCon?

Oh, beats me.

But it wouldn't be the
first time she's let me go.

What are you talking about?

There was this battle
and when Green Talon

knocked me off the side of a building,

I couldn't climb back up.

So I begged Starling for help.

- And...
- She saved your life.

- Yeah. And...
- And that's why you're trying

- to become a better person.
- Yeah. And...

And you wanted to talk to her
because you knew that she...

Can I please tell my story?

I'm pretty sure that's why she didn't do

anything at ColossalCon.

She was looking out for me again.

Yeah.

I don't think Starling
would turn her back

on a bunch of supervillains
living in the suburbs.

And I know who you are
could mean anything.

You're right. I didn't
even think about that.

What if she's rounding
up all the superheroes

to ambush my family?

There's only one way to find out.

Live each day in fear of an ambush?

No. You have to find
Starling and ask her.

She always says that anyone
could become a better person.

You have to tell her she's
the reason you changed.

But how am I supposed to find her?

Her socials say that
she's still in Texas

filming a commercial
for her new sneakers.

- We can go to the set.
- Okay.

Just promise you won't
tell my family about this,

especially Amy.

Whoa! Amy is my BFF.

We don't keep secrets from each other.

You saw what she did at ColossalCon.

If Starling is letting us off the hook,

do you really wanna
be the reason that Amy

goes berserk and puts us all in danger?

Nope.

Then welcome to the dark side.

Amy, look at you on the porch

with me and Jake.

It's a porch party!

You're acting weird.

You wear boots to the beach.

I think we're all a little weird.

I was thinking we could check out

the new hair salon downtown.

To have them do our hair?

No, to make fun of everyone else's.

Oh, okay, sure.

Uh, just give me a few hours.

I have something to do
first. It's important.

What could be more
important than shaming women

who spent $ on a haircut?

Uh, we have to help Sunshine Club

down at the Senior Center.

Yeah, okay. You lost me at help.

I'm just saying, Colby,
if you don't have eyes,

I don't think you should
get to pick what we watch.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Celia.

Friendly reminder, just
'cause you have a key,

it doesn't mean you get to
walk in here whenever you like.

You're right. I'm so sorry.

I should also take my shoes off,

wouldn't wanna scuff your floors.

Okay, something's up.

Red flag one, she's never nice.

Red flag two, she never apologizes.

Red flag three, have
you seen those feet?

Hope you don't mind a bunion or two.

I keep trying to shave
these suckers down

but I'm just a buni gal.

Celia, you're in an awfully good mood.

Someone die?

[LAUGHS] No.

I just had lunch with my
gentleman, Finn Roberts.

It was lovely.

We laughed and laughed.

And then we under tipped.

Hey, Celia.

Wow, look at those feet.

Have you seen Hartley? It's been hours.

She and Jake should
have been back by now.

- I'll text her.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Oh! Robert just sent me

another flirty text message.

"Hello, Celia."

I think we all know what that means.

- Pretty sure it means...
- Mind your own business.

I mean, see you all later.

Sure you will.

When we least expect it.

Oh, look, Celia forgot her notebook.

It's her secrets.

But do we think's in here?

Unless she's really clever,

I'm guessing secrets.

Wait, no, no, no!

We shouldn't inv*de her privacy.

But also, who cares? Let's read.

Um, "I have the greatest granddaughter.

So full of love and hope."

Snooze. Get to the good stuff.

Um, oh, "But there's
something I've hidden from her,

something I've hidden from the world.

When I was young, I robbed a casino

and stashed the cash in the walls

of my rental house."

Celia robbed a casino?

Celia was young?

Wait, we live in her rental house,

which means that cash is
stashed somewhere in here.

- We have to find it.
- Of course we do.

But we won't take it off.

We need to leave her some to
get those hobbit feet fixed.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe I get to hang out

with Starling twice in a week.

At this point, we're basically friends.

Hartley, I really don't
think meeting a person twice

- makes you friends.
- I said we're friends.

Okay.

Starling's commercial
sh**t is right over there.

But how are we gonna get past security?

You know I don't like to lie to people.

Yeah. Well, neither
do I, but I'm going to.

So follow my lead.

Where do you think you're going?

Everyone needs an ID badge.

We're crew members
and we're here to work.

So if you'll look excuse
us, we have a lot to do.

Oh, so you're on the crew.

What do you do?

I...

am the guy who does the
little clap work thing

for the camera. You know,

take one, take two, take three.

I could keep going if you'd like.

There's a name for that position.

Wanna tell me what it is?

- Clap guy?
- No.

- Mr. Clappy?
- No.

- Clappy Makes Slappy?
- Get out.

Already gone.

That was crazy.

I've never stuck in anywhere before.

What a rush.

I think I need to lie down.

Not right now. We have to find Starling.

And here she is. Hi.

Wow, you again. Twice in one week.

Yeah. What are the odds?

Hey there.

You're pretty. Can I pet you?

No.

But I can send you one of my dolls.

Um, we didn't really get a chance

to talk at ColossalCon,
so I figured that...

Oh, yeah. I get pulled in
so many different directions

at those things.

Interviews, autographs, meeting.

Okay, she is really petting me.

I came to tell you that because of you,

I've become a better person.

Aw, that makes me so happy.

Really? Oh, good,

because I was worried that
after you saw me at ColossalCon,

you might try and hurt my family.

[LAUGHS] Why would I do that?

I'm so sorry, Starling. They snuck in.

Oh, that's okay, Jackson. I
know him. I saved his life.

Actually, I saved him
and his whole family

from a sinkhole.

Sinkhole?

No, he wasn't in a sinkhole.

You saved him when he
was dangling off the...

Hartley.

Would you excuse us for a bit?

[CHUCKLES]

She doesn't know I'm Chaos,

which is a relief and kind of crazy.

I mean, how could anyone
forget this chiseled jawline?

Well, if she doesn't know you are,

let's not stay long enough
for her to figure it out.

Hey, I just had the best idea.

As a thank you for being my fans,

how would you two like
to be in my commercial?

The concept is that my
high tops are villain tested

and you would play two of the villains.

Oh, we're good, but thank you.

Oh, that's cute, but I'm Starling

and no one says no to me.

Wardrobe.

Well, at least we don't have
to keep it a secret from Amy

because I'm pretty sure
she's gonna find out

when she sees us on TV.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

This is bad.

If my parents see me in a commercial

with a superhero, they'll disown me.

And if Amy finds out I'm here, she'll...

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

It's her.

She's asking where I am.

Now she's asking if I'm with you.

Now I'm taking too long to respond.

- Let's get out of here.
- Here are your badges.

I didn't catch your name,
so I put friend of Starling.

And any friend of Starling
is a friend of mine,

but I'm still watching
you, Clappy Makes Slappy.

Uh, thanks, but we were just leaving.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

No one says no to Starling.

Yeah?

Well, there's a first
time for everything.

Starling, Clappy's on the run.

Aw, are you nervous?

Don't be.

I'll teach you how to act like villains.

I have a lot of experience
from kicking their butts.

[LAUGHS] I bet you do.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I made this device to
locate Celia's loot.

It's like an X-ray machine
that would double the radiation,

you know, just for fun.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

[KNOCKS] I found it.

There's a box hidden in this wall.

We're gonna be rich.

Colby, you're so lucky
you can't see this.

Wait.

How are we supposed to get to it?

COLBY: I may not have eyes,

but I can tell you're all staring at me.

Son, this is going to hurt us

more than it's going to hurt you.

Yeah, probably not.

COLBY: Ow! Ow!

You know you only needed
to break a small section.

I don't do small.

- COLBY: Ow!
- [PANTING]

What? There's a box.

Okay.

The money must be inside.

[BOTH LAUGHS]

Old letters?

Pictures? What is this junk?

Looks like a time capsule
full of someone's...

- precious mementos.
- Like I said, what is this junk?

Great. All that and
nothing to show for it

but a huge hole in the wall.

You know what that means?

Yep, I'm gonna keep smashing.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

CELIA: Yoo-hoo, neighbors!

Oh, no, Celia.

CELIA: I brought treats.

All right. Someone clearly
Freaky Fridayed her.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. So the key to being a villain

is that you're vile, annoying,

and you don't care about
anyone but yourself.

I wouldn't say all
villains are like that.

Yeah, well, you haven't met Havoc.

Nope, sure haven't,

from what I hear, she's awful.

[LAUGHTER]

I think we're ready for the stunt.

A stunt?

Yeah, my high tops are villain tested,

which means they kick villain butt.

Let's do this.

DIRECTOR: And action.

High tops activate.

What's happening? What's activating?

[SCREAMS]

DIRECTOR: Cut.

That was great.

Now let's kick them from the front!

Lucky I wore my new Starling high tops

to the top of this volcano.

Time for one final stop.

No, please don't.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

Come on, you can do better than that.

You're hanging from a volcano

and the world's most
powerful superhero's

about to stomp you out.

Let's see that fear.

And action.

No, please, don't let me fall!

More.

No, please, don't let me fall!

I wanna see the most
scared you've ever been.

No, please, don't let me fall!

Help. I can't pull myself up.

Please, don't let me fall. I'm sorry.

You're not the kid I
saved from the sinkhole.

You're... Chaos!

Please tell me we're still acting.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

How could you inv*de my commercial?

I thought you knew who I was.

That is what you wrote on my autograph.

I thought you were someone else.

You are a superhero.

How do you not know the
difference between...

the people you save and a villain?

Fake villain.

He's an actor, just
committing to the role.

Look, I told you my schedule is hectic.

I do six ColossalCons a month

plus talk shows, podcasts,
and the occasional bar mitzvah.

- Seriously?
- I like a good party.

My point is I can't
keep track of everyone.

But now that I know who you really are,

what the heck are you doing in Texas?

My family's hiding out from Onyx.

Wait, are you a supervillain, too?

No, I'm his neighbor,

but I could be your neighbor.

You just have to tell me where you live.

Oh, we're not doing that.

Wait, you still haven't told
me why you came to see me.

To tell you that when you saved my life,

I decided just stop being a villain

and become a better person.

I'm happy to hear that.

But I can't just let a
family of supervillains

live among innocent civilians.

I'm sorry, but I have to turn you in.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hmm. These lemon bars are great, Celia.

Thanks. I baked them for Robert.

Apparently, lemons make him frisky.

I'm here to ask, have
you seen my notebook?

I can't find it anywhere.

Uh, no.

Maybe you accidentally hid it somewhere.

Speaking of which, where do you like

to hide things?

Because it's clearly not in there.

Why is there a hole in my wall?

It's your house, you tell us.

I was having such a good day

and I've got to draft
an eviction notice.

Still a good day.

Wait. Uh, the reason
there's a hole is...

we were looking for the
money you hid in the walls,

you know, after your casino heist.

Casino heist?

Pretending to know nothing.

That's a page out of my book.

We found your journal

and read about your
secrets of your dark past.

[LAUGHS] That isn't a journal.

It's a novel I wrote for
my creative writing class.

That's where I met Robert.

And if you believe my story,

then it must be good
enough to get published.

Heck, I'm gonna be rich!

[LAUGHS]

Does that mean we don't
have to pay for the wall?

Oh, you're still paying for that wall.

And the lemon bars.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Starling, please don't turn them in.

They're my friends.

I'm sorry, but I have no choice.

Look, if you're gonna turn
in anyone, let it be me.

My family doesn't even know I came here.

Starling, you always said that anyone

can be a better person.

All he and his family have ever known

is being supervillains,

but they can learn to change.

Please, give them that chance.

Starling, look out.

You just saved her life.

Uh...

what's going on?

She just paused the
space-time continuum.

That's my favorite power of yours.

Wow, I guess you really
have become a better person.

Do you know how much trouble I'll be in

if the superheroes found
out that I knew your family

was hiding here and didn't
do anything about it?

Not as much trouble as I'll be in

if my family finds
out I'm a better person

because of a superhero.

Well then I guess we'll
both be keeping secrets.

[SCOFFS]

Yeah, I guess so.

I know you'll probably
never tell your sister Havoc

about this, but if you do,

can you please take a video
so I could see her face?

Deal.

You should probably go.

Right.

Could I maybe get your number,

you know, in case I'm ever tempted

to go bad again, I could
just give you a call?

Yeah, I guess I can do that.

I should probably take yours, too,

you know, just to make sure

you're staying on the right path.

While we're at it, can
I get your number too?

Aw, no.

Starling, you okay?

Yeah.

I'm great.

It's very nice of you
to have your friend over

to fix the hole in the wall, Celia.

It's more for me than it is for you.

Lemon bar?

My favorite?

Sweet and sour just like you.

Okay. I should be able to
patch this up in no time.

- Easy-peasy.
- Oh, wonderful.

Oh, it's certainly gonna
be great having someone

who works in construction around here.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm working construction?

Oh, what do you do?

Didn't Celia tell you?

I'm the Chief of Police.

Of course you are.

Oh, you must be very
busy catching criminals

that are not in this house.

Not saying that they would
be, because why would they be?

Aren't you two gonna be late
for your creative writing class?

We'll just have to
find our own handyman.

Oh, no, he'll be fixing all
sorts of things around here.

He'll be here all the time.

I might start breaking things myself

just to keep him around.

Fine by me.

Oh, I brought some sandpaper.

- For the wall?
- Nope, for your feet.

You know what they say,

the way to a woman's heart
is through her bunions.

And buckle up, Bobby,
it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Well, look, who finally showed up.

Sorry, Amy. I know we're supposed

- to hang out but...
- Save it.

You two have been acting weird
all day then you disappear

and expect me to not
know what's going on?

I know exactly what you've been up to.

- You do?
- You do?

Yup.

My birthday is coming up and you're out

shopping for a gift.

[LAUGHTER]

- Busted.
- You got us.

So help me. If I get a gift card,

there will be blood.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]