17x20 - Gernot and Strudel

[bunniefuu]

♪ Nutri-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew ♪

♪ Nutri-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew ♪

♪ Nutri-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew ♪

[FARTS]

It's my goldfish's birthday.

I should be having the time of my life,
but I'm troubled.

I don't think Klaus's boys
are having a very good time.

I know!

Big Ed is being a little quiet.

Courtney has barely touched his blunt.

And Vance hasn't thrown a single
bottle cap in my cleavage.

Something is off.

I haven't had one fart
cupped and thrown at me.

[FARTS]

They're just farting normals.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Klaus, do you think maybe

someone else could get a turn?

No way!

No one is touching this piñata but me!

I know it sounds crazy,
but does Klaus not know how to share?

[CHAIN SAW REVS]

Skittles!

Stay back! This candy is all mine!

We spent months planning this party,

and Klaus is ruining it by being Klaus!

Let's do the cake.

That's good, his boys love cake.

Who wants cake?!

Put away those plates.

This is just for me,
thank you very much.

It's my birthday and my cake.

Klaus, you're not gonna eat
this whole cake.

Oh, yeah?

[MUNCHING]

[GAGS]

This is especially hard
because I hate confetti cake.

[GAGS]

Courtney, I cannot believe
this is your favorite.

Don't go, boys!

I was just about to bring out
the bong decorating station!

TOGETHER: Naw, son.

Uh-oh.

You know the boys say
"sup" when they're happy?

"Naw, son" is the exact opposite.

Naw, son!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Can't sleep? Me neither.

I'm just so damn worried
about Klaus and his boys!

We can't sleep either.

We're worried that Mr. Klaus
is gonna lose his boys!

Did you know that
Courtney dis-invited Klaus

to his daughter's quinceañera?

I did not know that.

He's been so much less annoying
since his Tampa boys moved here.

We have to teach Klaus
the importance of sharing

before he loses them!

And has to bring his electronic
drums back to the house.

I can still hear him not keeping b*at.

[PIANO PLAYING]

I love how you've kept
up with your piano.

How long has it been?

years.

And I'm finally gonna
have my first recital.

Thing is, like all musicians,

I'm much better when I don't take dr*gs.

I need someone to make sure I
don't do any dr*gs this week.

I'm your man.

I've kept Toshi off bath
salts for almost six months.

That's great.
Let's celebrate this arrangement.

[BONG SHATTERS]

No way, no dr*gs.

It's times like this I'm
glad I had Rogu install a...

secret zip line!

Aaaah!

[THUD]

Oooh.

Rogu procrastinate.

Sharing turns a regular
meal into an experience.

With sharing, I can try a
little of Jeff's patatas bravas

and Francine's calamari.

And they can both taste my balls!

Dad, they're called croquettes.

So sharing is when you
get less of what you want

because you're a chump...
sounds pretty stupid to me.

Mr. Klaus, how can you not
know the value of sharing?

Didn't you learn this stuff
on "Sesame Street"?

I never watched that Big Birdshit.

Growing up in Germany,
we had a real kids show,

"Gernot and Strudel."

Well, they must've done
an episode about sharing.

You would think so, wouldn't you?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Ahh, gotta drain the ol' lizard.

Don't touch my grub, hippies!

Guys, this is great!

All we have to do is find

the "sharing"
episode of his stupid show!

Easy-breezy-
tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheesy.

I don't know, guys.

Did you notice how he ominously
looked out that window

when we brought up the
"sharing" episode?

You're worried because...
he looked out a window?

Why do you think they make windows?

Stop being weird, Hayley.

Look at me!

I'm looking through the magic window!

Oh, no, now I have an ominous!

[LAUGHTER]

[DOORS OPEN]

I know that look. Roger's jonesing.

What the?

Baby carrots?

Dr. Slippy's Lock Pick &
Switcharoo Carrots Kit.

[DING!]

Oh, God, his drums are back!

I thought we had more ti-i-i-ime!

Here we go, I found a clip of the
"Gernot and Strudel" show.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

Es ist Zeit, die Show zu starten!

German Wikipedia or "Viko-pedia!"

says the show takes place
in the "magical world

of an old coat hanger factory."

Gernot is a worm and
the flawless leader.

Worm boss. Tight.

Next there's Kommandant
Strudel Goofel-berry.

A sassy hippo.

[LAUGHS] Is there another kind?

HAYLEY: Then there's a two-headed blob,

Uschi and Booshi.

Uschi represents the sadness
of the failed fall harvest.

And Booshi represents the
brief moment of happiness

that washes over you before death.

Finally there's a talking file cabinet,
Doctor Du-Du Dankers,

who represents the perfection
of the organizational skills

that every German child dreams of,

but nightmarishly never achieves.

[GASPS] There's the episode on sharing!

[CLICKS]

Huh, not available for download.

That's strange. That's the one
episode you can't download.

Damn it!

Why does God love
kicking us in the d*ck?!

Well, if we can't download the episode,

I guess we'll just have to...

perform it ourselves!

Well, it took three days,

but I'm glad we finally heard
the end of your sentence!

I must still be dreaming.

Gernot, is that really you?

Check out this insane
worm voice I came up with.

[AS ROGER] This is no dream, Klaus.

We're gonna teach you how to share!

No, Stan! Nuh-uh.

Oh, my God,
you guys are doing my favorite show!

It's Gernot, Uschi, Booshi,
Strudel, and Du-Du!

[GOOFY VOICE] It's good
to see you too, Klaus!

We're here to teach you about sharing!

Oh, don't be silly!

You can't start with the
big lesson of the day.

That's the end of the show.

First you have to do the opening song,

then the numbers jamboree,

the message from the legislature

about new government regulations,

the grammar gulag,
a reading of the crop yields,

and the time for undeserved spanking.

[ITALIAN ACCENT] I can't-a
believe-a what I'm a-hearing.

I a-guess we have to do
the whole show-a-ghetti.

Why are you doing an Italian accent?

I can do a-Italy or [NORMAL
VOICE] I can do Jeff.

Italy's good.

[ITALIAN ACCENT] No,
Italy is-a the best!

♪♪

♪ Gernot and Strudel ♪

♪ Children are weak and
have very small brain ♪

♪ Gernot and Strudel ♪

♪ Your body can be
trained to not feel pain ♪

♪ The Ministry of
Culture has approved ♪

♪ Your watching of this show ♪

♪ If you catch your
parents with rock music ♪

♪ Let the government know ♪

♪ You'll work in a factory
till the day you die ♪

♪ Tears are for the French,
you are not allowed to cry ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Gernot and Strudel ♪

♪ Children are weak and
have very small brain ♪

♪ Gernot and Strudel ♪

♪ Your body can be
trained to not feel pain ♪

We near the end of the show.

And one step closer to death's embrace.

And that means it's time
for the lesson of the day!

Strudel has had success
in the government lottery

and has won a potato.

I'm very hungry, Strudel.

May I share your potato?

A-no you cannot-a.

I'm a-greedy and I will not
a-share this potato with you.

Mangia!

I am dying.

And now I am dead.

Strudel, you Dummkopf!

You should have shared with him!

Sharing is so important!

I... I understand now.

I feel terrible for not
sharing in the past.

I want to start sharing right away!

Water.

Please, Jeff,
allow me to share my water with you.

Drink, my boy. Drink from my bowl.

[GULPING]

Lots of pulp in this water.

That's not pulp.

We've had some ups and downs,

but you've kept me off
dr*gs for three days.

And surprisingly I'm not
having any craaaviiings!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aren't we going to keep doing the show?

Why? You already learned to share.

Oh. That's too bad.

But I guess when the show's over,
it's over.

Unless...

the show must go on.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

- Uh, are we gonna talk about that?
- Talk about what?

You didn't notice how Klaus
looked out the window and...

Again with this window business!

Geez, Hayley, broken record much?

Didn't you hear him laughing like...

Now you're worried because he laughed?

He's got a great sense of humor!

Babe, give it a rest.

You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.

STAN: What's going on?

FRANCINE: Ugh,
the hell did I drink last night?

HAYLEY: Oof, my heads...

Wait, heads?

JEFF: I feel strange.

Where's the zipper?

I can't get this thing off!

Wait, I think...

We've been turned into puppets!

Damn it, I'm the worm.

At least you don't have two heads!

Two heads are better than one!

If one of them isn't a shithead!

[GASPS]

Klaus! Did you do this?

I did! And I have wonderful news.

You're all going to keep
doing the show for me!

Why don't we start with
one of the episodes

about properly cleaning your butthole?

Smells like Sup Bud in here.

What's Sup Bud?

Nothing, bud, what's up with you?

Will you both shut up?!

How did you do this, Klaus?

Dr. Weitzman at the CIA did it.

The CIA has puppet technology?

Oh, yeah,
the CIA is always installing puppets,

all over the globe.

Fozzie Bear was the Shah
of Iran for seven years.

Klaus, we don't like being puppets!

- Really?
- Yes!

I'm craving a hand up my
ass in a very unnerving way.

And I really hate this dang worm leash.

Stop the complaining!

The "Gernot and Strudel" show

is the most important
thing in the world to me!

And if you don't
perform whenever I want,

I'm going to read you a list of things

that aren't important to me.

He's bluffing.
No one keeps a list of that.

Championship bull riding.

Mustard. Non-helium balloons.

- Stop, stop!
- Then sing!

[ALL SIGH]

♪ Gernot and Strudel ♪

Well, I did it.

I got you here clean and
sober for your piano recital.

Thank you, Steve.

- I think you're up.
- [APPLAUSE]

♪♪

I know him.

He's sometimes my uncle
but always my friend.

I feel you, dude.

He's sometimes my friend,
but always my customer.

Delmonico?!

Please tell me you're here as a friend.

I cannot.

It's strictly business today.

I delivered the piano.

Oh, good.

It's basically made out of dr*gs.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah!

I coated the white
piano keys with ecstasy.

The black keys are black tar heroin.

The sheet music is blotter acid paper.

The bench he's sitting on is
actually a meth suppository.

And the whole thing is dusted
with cocaine and ketamine.

♪ Da, da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da, la, da-da, da-dee ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da-da ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

What? How is everybody liking this?!

Oh, they're all my customers.

[GRUNTING]

This isn't working!

We'll never break out of this cage!

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

This is not a great situation
we find ourselves in.

I've got this dang...

Stop complaining about your worm leash!

I'm a [BLEEP] file cabinet!

We have a theory about
what's going on with Klaus.

When we re-created the show for him,

we must have triggered
some unresolved trauma.

Something happened to
Klaus with this show.

And we need to get him to
share his trauma with us.

- Another type of sharing.
- Yeah.

And maybe that'll snap him out of this.

Whoa, babes,
I couldn't follow any of that!

- Awww.
- Come here, you!

Yuck.

KLAUS: It's true.

Something terrible did happen.

No, I-I can't talk about it.

It's too painful.

You can do it.

I, this stupid worm, believe in you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I was eight years old,
and I was in the audience

for my favorite show in the whole world.

But what started off as
the best day of my life

became the worst.

I was thrilled when I
was called up onto stage

at the end of the show.

At the time, I had a big crush on Uschi,

so of course I got an erection.

And when I was a child,

I had a very sharp penis.

It wasn't big but it was honed,

like a paring Kn*fe.

Anyways, I got a little baby boner

and accidentally poked Uschi's puppeteer

with my tiny dagger

and she fell off the stage and was...

electrocuted.

Strudel and Du-Du rushed to save her.

And they too were
immediately electrocuted.

As the studio filled with
the smell of burnt flesh

and polyester fur,

me and my for-some-reason-
still-hard baby boner

could only watch in shame.

Gernot was the lone survivor...

until that evening when he
sh*t himself in the face.

The episode was banned and never aired.

They replaced all the puppeteers
and kept making episodes,

but it was never the same.

I loved that show more than anything,

and I was the one that destroyed it.

Jesus, Klaus.

And that's why you became a fish?

What? No.

That's how I became traumatized.

But after sharing it,
I feel so much better.

Thank you.

Is there anything I can do for you?

I guess you could let
us out of this cage.

And I wouldn't mind having
my worm leash removed.

[BUZZER]

Oh, baby, that's the stuff.

Oh, and also,

I think we'd all like to
not be puppets anymore.

TOGETHER: Mm-hmm.

Oh, sh**t.

We don't have time to
get to Dr. Weitzman

before he leaves for his summer job...

selling clever T-shirts on
the Atlantic City boardwalk.

I can't be stuck being
a worm all summer!

I already put down my deposit
for boogie boarding camp!

We could get there in time

if we took a shortcut
through the Langley Dunes.

But how?

Those dunes are famously treacherous.

I know! My boys have badass ATVs!

Let's go!

[GRUNTING]

I refuse to be fat shamed.

I called it a "worm leash."

It was very uncomfortable.

You can still see the little
indent it made on my felt.

Do you really think your boys
will let us use their ATVs?

They seem mad at you.

You really don't understand

how truly tight I am with my boys.

No way!

You don't share, man.

Okay, maybe I didn't use to.

But I've learned how to share!

And I brought you something.

- A cake?!
- A piñata?!

You're both right.

I brought a broken piñata
filled with old cake!

Mmm. Sup.

Sup.

Sup.

Sup.

That means they're boys again!

Francine, I'm a worm, not an idiot.

♪ Yeah, soo, we gone, huh,
stop, we good, stop ♪

♪ Chill, we on, yeah,
scale, let's go ♪

[CHEERING]

♪ Take, huh, let's go, huh ♪

♪ Set, let's roll ♪

Oh, no... cliff.

How are we going to get down?

Easy! We're puppets.

We don't have any bones!

Wait, I have bones!

[SMACK!]

Uh, waiter?

There's some bones in my fish.

Come on, we're so close.

Crap, forgot about the river

that runs through the Langley Dunes!

What a complex and exciting
ecosystem this town has!

But how are we gonna get across?!

I got this!

Everyone on my back!

♪ Straightenin',
straightenin', whoo ♪

♪ Straightenin', yeah, straight ♪

♪ Straightenin',
straightenin', soo ♪

♪ Straightenin', yeah, straight ♪

♪ Don't nothing get straightenin' ♪

♪ But straightenin', hey ♪

[HUMMING]

Dr. Weitzman! We need our bodies back!

Sure thing!

I actually have your bodies right here!

Nothing gross!

I've actually been using them as a sofa.

[ZAPPING]

Aww, I kinda miss having two heads.

Guys, I hate to say it,
I kinda miss the worm leash.

I feel like we're forgetting something.

Where's Klaus?

Waaaaaaazzzzzuuuuuupppp!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!