09x05 & 09x06 - Roof / River

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- I'm gonna head to the barber
to get my ears lowered,

so I need you boys to sign
for a couple two packages

I got comin' from the Amazon.

- [chuckles]
Package.

[both chuckling]

- They're a birthday present
for Marcie

and my new hearing aid.

That one's real important now

because I can't hear nothing
without it.

- Uh, did you hear me
when I called you a butthole?

- Well, you're welcome.

I knew I could count on you.

- [laughs]

What are we supposed to do
with these things again?

- Uh...

maybe we'll remember
if we open 'em.

- [grunts]

It's, like, some kind of earbud
that sucks.

- Let's throw them
in the garbage.

- It's the least we can do.

- Just gonna open this here.

Whoa.
Look, Beavis.

- Yeah, yeah.
It's amazing.

Let's break it.
[chuckles]

Yeah, break it.

There'll be glass everywhere.

- Beavis, wait.
- Huh?

- Yes, we could smash
this crystal thingy

in the street,

and yes, it would be cool,

but we can do better than that,
and we must.

Let's throw it off the roof.

[both laugh]
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Jesus Christ of the Lord God on high,

thank you for making me Post Malone.

[chuckles]

- Thank you for making me rich
and have lots of chicks too.

[chuckling] Amen.

[chuckling]

♪ ♪

Whoa, oh, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong.

It's just wide open, and his testes too.

- Boy, he just doesn't care about his wiener.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, yeah,
an evil rises in Mordor,

but Post Malone shall not wear
any armor on his schlong!

- ♪ Even when I tried ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You don't believe it ♪

- Oh, check it out, Butt-Head, she doesn't have a mouth.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

He finally found a chick

who can't tell him his music sucks.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.
I kind of like it.

He's just kind of lazy. [chuckles]

[humming melody]

♪ I don't believe it ♪

♪ ♪

- Yeah, he looks lazy. - Yeah, that's cool.

[chuckles]

- ♪ So I don't take the blame ♪

- Is he chewing tobacco? [chuckles]

- No, he's got, like, a bunch of tattoos

on the inside of his mouth,

and they make his cheeks all puffy.

[chuckles] - Yeah, he looks cool.

[chuckles] - Whoa.

She grew her on noose so she could k*ll herself

'cause he sucks.
- Shut up, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]
This kicks ass.

[chuckles] - Well, the noose didn't work.

I guess I'd better drown myself.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone,

you know, 'cause people keep stepping on it.

♪ ♪

- Come on, butthole.
Hurry up.

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

I'm kind of afraid of heights.

- Quit being such a wuss,
Beavis.

Come on.
[chuckles]

- Okay.

[laughs]
Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Whoa.
Whoa, that's a long ways.

- Hurry the hell up, buttwipe.

- [grunting]

[panting]

Oh, boy.

- Uh, where's the bowl?

- Um, it was, like, too hard
to climb

and bring it up here
at the same time,

so I decided to climb first

and then bring it up here.

You know what I'm saying?
- Damn it, Beavis.

The bowl was the whole reason
I came up here.

Now get down there and get it.

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

It's kind of scary to try--

Aah!

- Uh, hmm.

- How are we gonna get down,
Butt-Head?

[both laugh]

- Get down.
[laughs]

- Oh, boy.
[both chuckle]

- Uh, someone's gotta put
the ladder back up,

so, Beavis, you're gonna have
to jump off the roof.

[laughs]

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

We're kind of really far
off the ground.

- Uh, I don't care.

- Maybe you could jump.

- Okay, I've got an idea,
Beavis.

If you take,
like, a running start,

you can jump into that tree
and climb down.

- That looks
kind of far though.

- You can do it, Beavis.

I believe in you.
[laughs]

So hurry up, nutsack.

- Uh, well, I'm--oh, boy.

I guess I could give it a try.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

- Run as fast as you can,
Beavis.

- Okay, here goes.
[laughs]

Don't look down.
[chuckles]

Aah!

Butt-Head, help!

- Uh, help you jump down?

- No.
No, no!

[grunts]
No, no!

Aah!
I don't wanna fall!

Ow! That hurt.
- Grow up, Beavis.

- Aah! No!

- Everything isn't
always about you.

- Aah!
Ow.

[groans]
Ow.

It's okay.
It's okay.

I'm all right.

I don't wanna be late
for kindergarten.

Circle time sucks.

[chuckles]
Whoa.

Whoa, that's a cool bowl.

Never seen anything
like that before.

Wow.
I'll be damned.

- Get the ladder, Beavis.

- Oh, hey.
Who are you?

- I'm Butt-Head, assface.

- Um, which one of those
is your name

and which one
is what you're calling me?

- Just get the ladder, dumbass.

- What's a ladder?

- It's that thing over there
that's a ladder.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Thanks, assface.

Yeah, here it is.
Yeah.

- Now put it against the house
so I can climb down.

- Okay.
Okay, here we go, yeah.

[grunts]

[glass shatters]

[ladder clangs]

- Finally, butthole.

- Oh, hey, assface.

[laughs]
How's it going?

- You dumbass.
What are you doing up here?

- I climbed up this thing.

It's called a ladder.
[chuckles]

Wait a second.
It was just there.

- Uh...
[laughs]

- [sighs]
Dangnabbit.

My packages didn't come.

Now I don't have
my GD hearing aid.

I can't hear a g*dd*mn thing.

- Uh, help?
[laughs]

- Yeah, old guy!
Help us, yeah.

- Hey.
- It looks like I forgot to...

- Old guy!
- Put this ladder in the shed.

- Old man.
- That's a whoopsie-daisy.

- Uh, hey, old guy!
Get us down from here!

- Help.
- There we go.

- Look up, dumbass.

- Like, help!

Help or something!
- Oh.

- Marie's birthday present
came at least.

Nice of them
to deliver it back here

where the thieves won't get it.

both: Hey.
- Hey, hey.

- Old guy.

- Uh, old guy?
[laughs]

- Are we gonna be up here
forever, Butt-Head?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Yeah, it's pretty cool, yeah.

- The moon sucks.
[laughs]

- It sure does, yeah.
[chuckles]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Two.
[both grunting]

Three, four.

Five.

Uh...

- Whoa, hey. It worked.
[laughs]

That's pretty cool.

- Now when the chicks see us
at the pool,

we'll look all pumped
and ripped.

[both laugh]
- Cool.

- Uh, hello, sir.

We wanna, like, swim
and show off our g*ns.

[both laugh]
- Yeah, let us in, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- Sorry, you're banned.

- Can I just come in
and take a whiz real quick?

- No.

- This sucks, Butt-Head.

Got all ripped for nothing.

[girls laughing]

- Whoo!
- Stop splashing me.

- Whoa, check it out, Beavis.

Our muscles are bigger
than those guys'.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sun's out, muscles out.
Or something.

- Beavis, we gotta find
something that floats

and get in that river.

- Yeah, really.
[laughs]

- Hm, something that floats.

- Whoa.
Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head.

- Beavis,
this is our lucky day.

[both laugh]

This is gonna be cool.

[grunts]

- Here we go.
[both laugh]

- Good morning, everybody.

This morning, I am headed over
to do a main line

at Nashua City Building.

Another drain cleaner
broke a piece of snake in there

and just left, so wish me luck.

Stay tuned, and I hope
to see you at the end.

- Uh, she's really into toilets.

[chuckles]

Think she, like, brings a toilet with her

everywhere she goes, like, to parties and stuff?

- Hey, does anyone need
to take a dump?

[chuckles]

I got a toilet right here.
Come on, don't be shy.

[chuckles]

- That reminds me, I heard that, like,

when you get older, the doctor has one of these,

and he sticks the camera up your butt every five years.

It's mandatory.
[chuckles]

- Whoa, really? [chuckles]

Why do they do that?

- They say it's, like,

to check for scallops or something,

but they really just do it
'cause it's funny.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

You think this chick does that?

- Probably.

- Yeah, it's pretty cool, actually, you know, 'cause,

um, then afterwards, you could say,

"Hey, baby, I see you put
a camera inside my butt."

[chuckles]

- Yeah, did you like
what you see?

[chuckles]

The inside of my butt is just the beginning.

- Yeah, yeah, because people
are more beautiful

on the inside.
That's what counts.

- [chuckles]

- Whoa, it's Waldo. Look down there in the corner.

[chuckles]

- Waldo's gonna climb inside someone's butt.

[chuckles]

- Waldo's like,
"They will not find me here."

[chuckles]

- I'd rather be in someone's butt than a book.

- Yeah, really. - I did it!

High five.

- [coughing]

Ah, butthole.
Oh.

[chuckles]

- Ah!
Butt-Head, help!

I can't swim.
- Uh, what?

- [coughing, spluttering]

- Uh, Beavis?

Did you, like,
drowned or something?

Are you dead?

Hello?
[chuckles]

Oh, well.
Now where did those chicks go?

- Aah!
[coughing]

- What took you
so long, dumbass?

- [coughs]
- Damn it, Beavis.

Quit your barfing
and start paddling.

We gotta catch up
with those chicks.

- Okay, oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah.
[laughs]

- No.
- Uh, where'd they go?

- Whoa, I think I can
hear the chicks, Butt-Head.

I think they're up ahead there,
yeah.

[water rushing]

It sounds like they're, like,
splashing around a lot

and, like,
making a loud roaring noise.

- Beavis, we must prepare.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.
[grunts]

- One.
- [grunts]

- Two.

[water roaring]

- Uh...uh-oh.

Beavis, you dumbass.

Paddle the other way.

- Okay.

I think it's working.

[both scream]

[both groaning]

[bodies thudding]

- [laughs]
That was cool.

- Yeah.
Yeah, that was pretty cool.

[chuckles]

- Okay, now where
did those chicks go?

[rod whirs]

- Oh, look.
A gummy worm.

I'm hungry, yeah.

Aah!
- Oh, I think I got something.

- Aah!
No!

Aah, aah!

What's happening?
Aah! Oh, no.

- Damn it, Beavis.
Quit screwing around.

We gotta catch up
with those girls.

- Aah! No!
- Come on, dumbass.

- Aah! Help!

Aah!
- [groans]

- [panting]

- Beavis, you butt wagon.

We're never gonna catch
the chicks if you're busy

playing with your toys.

[grunts]

- Oh, cool.
A fly rod.

- Damn it.

What happened
to that gummy worm?

What is all this?
Looks like--

[both screaming]

Damn it, Beav--
[groans]

- [humming]

[distant screams]

- Oh!
- Aah!

[both groaning]

[both screaming]

[line snaps]

- Aah.
[clears throat]

I think I swallowed something.

[coughs]
- Shut up, Beavis.

We've almost caught up
with the chicks.

Now start paddling.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Chicks are cool.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Uh, this is making me, like, motion sick, Butt-Head.

[laughs]
I might barf.

- Don't let me slow you down,
Beavis.

- Bonjour, everyone.
We are BlackList Parkour.

This is parkour POV in Paris.
Let's go.

- Where are they?
[laughs]

- Uh, he just said they're in Paris.

- No, no, it's not Paris.

- Beavis, he just said.

They're in Paris. - No, no, no.

Oh, I know where it is. It's Houston.

Yeah, this is Houston. - Uh, Beavis?

The guy just said they're in Paris.

- No, no.
[chuckles]

'Cause he has
that Houston accent,

you can't understand,
Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

Yeah, see that? See that parking lot?

They have parking lots in Houston.

- Damn it, Beavis. It's not Houston.

- Butt-Head, I'm tired
of you embarrassing yourself

'cause you've never been
to Houston, and I have.

[chuckles]

Just need to get over it.
[laughs]

- Damn it, Beavis.

Why are you so hell-bent on this being Houston?

- [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, see?

It's downtown Houston. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.
Cut it out.

♪ ♪

This guy's like, "Hey, how's it going?

"Sorry I can't stay. Just doing some parkour."

- You know...

♪ ♪

You know,
another thing about Houston,

it's actually not the capital.

A lot of people think it is.

- Damn it, Beavis.
I don't think about it at all.

Shut up.

- It's the second-biggest city in Texas.

Yeah, they call it
the "Longhorn state."

[laughs]

- See, Beavis? See that tower back there?

That's, like, Paris.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's one of those, like,
big oil drill things, yeah.

That's, like, for the--

for the Houston Oilers, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oil is big in Houston.

We got a gusher here.
[laughs]

- Uh, oh, yeah.
[chuckles]

You're right, Beavis.

This is Houston. - Yeah, yeah.

See? See?

- I was wrong.

I'm not too big to admit when I'm wrong.

And I'm not too big to admit that your mom is a slut.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, well, you're right. [chuckles]

- Remember that time we went
into your mom's bedroom

and that roofer dude was bouncing around

like this on your mom? [laughs]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

It wasn't as good as these guys.

- Oh, yeah.

He was all fat and slow.

Uh, uh, uh. [laughs]

- I don't see the chicks,
Butt-Head.

- Uh, just keep paddling,
Beavis.

We'll catch up with 'em.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

- I still don't see 'em,
Butt-Head.

I still don't see 'em,
Butt-Head.

Butt-Head?
[laughs]

I still don't see 'em.

[soft dramatic music]

Are we dying?

- No.
- [grumbles]

♪ ♪

- Uh, wait.
Look, Beavis.

Out on the horizon.

There's someone coming
to save us.

We gotta get ready.

One.

- Um, Butt-Head?
- Two.

- Um, that's a--that's not--
um...

- Shut up, Beavis.

There could be chicks
on that boat.

♪ ♪

- Um, Butt-Head?

Um, Butt-Head?

- [groans]
- It's small.

- That's right, Beavis.

There's probably only room
for one of us

'cause of all the chicks,
so you'll have to stay here.

[groans]
- Um...

Yeah, okay.

- We'll come back for you.

Maybe.
[laughs]

Seven.

[hard rock music]

Nine.

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.