03x15 - The Pursuit of Daddyness

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Duncanville". Aired: February 16, 2020 - present.*
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Animated sitcom centered around a spectacularly average 15-year-old boy, his family and friends.
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03x15 - The Pursuit of Daddyness

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♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

[birds chirping]

All right.
[knuckles cr*ck]

Let's see what's happening
in the Meta-verse.

That name scares me.
Mark Zuckerberg is playing God.

Hmm, "Celebrate the people
you love most

with a special birthday wish."

God, that's a lot of pressure.

Annie, give me something
emotional and heartfelt.

- How about "HBD"?
- That's beautiful.

HBD, HBD, HBD, HBD, HBD. Done.

[both groan]

- [gobbling]
- [sighs]

Hi to you too, kids.
How was school today?

You went to school.
What do you think?

Why do you even care?

That's okay.
I'll ask our pleasant child.

Mommy!
School was wonderful.

I can't wait to tell you
everything that happened.

Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.

I got my first part
in the kindergarten play,

"Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."

Classic story.
"The Sopranos" of fairy tales.

So are you Goldilocks
or one of the bears?

Better.
Tree Number Four.

Nice. I played many a tree.
The key is don't drink

two liters of Mountain Dew
before the play.

You peed
all over George Washington

when he chopped you down.

- Smile, Jing.
- Ah!

#BroadwayBaby. Post.

You don't have to say "post"
every time you post something.

That's the most fun part.

[notification chimes]

Aw.

"Congrats, so proud." Post.

[notification chimes]
"Nice post, Jack." Post.

[notification chimes]
Stop narrating.

Hey, let's go celebrate
Jing's breakout role.

I got free passes to mini-golf

'cause I found a human foot
in their septic t*nk

and agreed to keep it quiet.

Status update.
"Too blessed to be stressed."

Post.
[both groan]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, it's a -degree slope
past the Fairy Princess Castle

with a slight backwind.
I'm gonna go putter.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[Mavis barks]
Damn, Mavis.

I'm trying to get my
pre-scandal Tiger Woods on!

No, not the center.
That's the sucker hole.

You see how worn down it is?

That's from suckers sucking.

You act like you're
God's gift to mini-golf.

Yeah.
Why do I act that way?

Boom.
Oh, yeah, that's why.

Nothing but cup.
Next up, pirate ship.

They don't tell you this,
but the cannon is a shortcut.

- My ball's green!
- And mine's blue.

Aw, I love
our post-worthy kids.

Okay, now let's get one
by the windmill.

What do you think, Jack?
#Amster-DamnGoodTime.

[chuckling]
Oh, can we post that?

I mean,
my Aunt Faye just called

for the public hanging
of the school board,

so I think we can.

You've taken a photo of us
at every hole.

I feel like
the world's lamest influencer.

Dut-dut-dut, just get
in front of the windmill

and try to look better
than other people's kids.

- [gasps] Aah!
- Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Duncan.
I'll switch to video.

Aah!
[groans]

Thank God it's over.

Aah!
[gurgles]

[grunts]
Thank God it's over.

[grunts]

Hey, Duncan,
which one's the shortcut?

The cannon!
[grunting]

[music]

[laughter]

What's so funny?
Did Elon Musk tweet a zinger?

Don't look.
Play through.


She posted that?

Yo, D, I got a crazy
new nickname for you.

Ba-Dunkie-Dunk.
Whatchu think?

Well, naturally,
I don't like it, but...

[laughs]
Ba-Dunkie-Dunk!
That's gonna stick.

[laughter]

This is so unfair.

My mom posting crap
without asking,

giving me nicknames
that are sticking...

Sorry, Ba-Dunkie-Dunk,

but you're a victim
of sharenting.

Damn right I am!
What's sharenting?

When parents post photos
or videos of their kids

without their consent.

Like, once I was invited
to tour Harvard,

and I stopped
at the Harvard gift shop

to get this Harvard sweatshirt
that says "Harvard,"

but it was
one size too big for me

and my mom posted the photo.
Ugh, so humiliating.

That was the most
unrelatable story ever.

The point is, it's wrong,

and you should call
your parents out on it.

Oh, and your dad just posted
a brand new angle.

Man, this really captures
the fear in your eyes.

Who wants to spend
the rest of class

playing TLC's "Waterfalls"
over this?

Ooh, yes, please!
[cheers]

Come on, man.
Make it unanimous.

[hammer banging]
Attention.


Family meeting.

[gasps] Duncan,
you're denting the table!

You can put that on the list
of topics to discuss later,

but we'll never get to it.

Kimberly's toenails
aren't dry yet,

so she's Zooming in
from her bedroom.

Hey, guys, good to see you.
[blows]


Ooh, this is exciting.

Duncan has never called
a family meeting before.

I've never had something this
important to discuss before.

I had an interesting
conversation with Mia today.

Love Mia.
So smart.

She said when you post
pictures without my permission,

it's called sharenting
and it's wrong.

Mia's got a word
for everything.

- So annoying.
- Mia's right.

I was totally humiliated

when you posted a photo
of my first pimple.


But it was bright red
on the tip of your nose,

and it was Christmas.

Yeah.
#ZitsTheSeason.

[both laugh]

[hammer bangs]
Silence!

One more outburst,
you'll be sent to the mudroom.

Piggy-banking
off what Kimberly said,

I'm tired of putting my heart
and soul into dance recitals

and looking out to see your
faces hidden behind phones.

You're not proud.
You're just making content.

We're making memories.

Childhood goes by so quickly,

and we want to remember
these moments forever.

And share them online
with strangers.

So what you're saying is
you're emotionally profiting


- off our adorableness.
- How dare you.


I brought you into this
metaverse and I can take you out.

That's it!
No videos at my school play.

No videos or photos
of us at all!

This is very important to me,

and I'm begging you
to be respectful.

[camera shutter clicking]
Oh, my God.

- Are you photographing this?
- I'm sorry.

You just get that cute,
pouty lip when you're serious.

- Aaand post.
- Stop living through us!

You need content?
Get a life of your own!

Meeting adjourned.
[table crashes]

So what's for dinner?

Can you believe those kids

saying we have no lives
and we're boring?

Yeah, they have no lives
and they're boring.

And I love them,
blah, blah, blah.

[angelic music]

Here's the spot
I was telling you about.

See? Doesn't this show how
quirky and interesting we are?

Totally.
[camera shutter clicks]

Only we could have thought
to do this.

#SexyTinkerbell. Post.

What?
A warning from Facebook?

"This photo has been flagged
as hacky

"and something
only boring people post.

Are you sure you have a life?
Yes/No."

The kids are right.

Let's just go home
and eat until we die.

[gasps]
[motorcycle rumbles]

Wait a minute. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

Swingin' with that couple?

- No, the motorcycle!
- Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm.

Check it out:
just in case Mom and Dad try

to take a picture of me again,
I drew this on my forehead.

[gasps]
Did you use permanent marker?

You know it.

So your school photo
this year is gonna be

you with a penis
on your forehead?

Ugh, you just love making me
feel stupid, don't you?

[phone buzzes]
What?

Open the living room door.
Quick!


[motorcycle rumbles]

Look who got a life!

Oh, my God, Duncan.
What's on your forehead?

And you thought you were the most
interesting things in our lives.

Well, how do you like
our leather butts now?

[laughs]
That's not a motorcycle.

The seat's wider
than our couch.

Yeah, it looks
like a parade float.

This is a senior-cycle.

Listen, punks,
this is the Kazooki Meanderer.

It has , CCs of raw power
and lumbar support.

And there's a trunk
in the front

where we can store
our skid lids.

That's what us bikers
call our helmets, punks.

- Stop calling us punks!
- I'm runnin' g*ns to Stockton!

Vroom, vroom! Honk, honk!
Curse, curse!

Ooh, let me get a picture.

- We told you, no photos.
- Not Jing.

I want to post a picture
of Bikey's first day at home.

Off the hog, honey.

You kids were right
about sharenting.

We were living through you
without your consent.

But we're creating memories
with Bikey now.

Aren't we, Bikey?

Can Bikey give me a ride
to play rehearsal?

Your brother and sister
can do that.

Me and my old lady
got a long day

of canyon carving
and validation seeking.

[grunts]
[engine turns over]

Hang on, sweet butt.

- Whoo!
- Meanderer!

Hey, how'd you get the
penis off your forehead?

I rubbed it out.

[children playing]

This porridge is too...
um, line?

Ugh, cold.
The porridge is cold, Shannon.

That's your motivation
for moving to the next bowl.

How did Jing get stuck
with Tree Number Four?

Tree Number One is asleep.

Tree Number Two
is picking his nose.

And Tree Number Three
keeps saying "meow."

- Meow.
- Yeah.

Jing's the only kid up there
with any talent.

Her branch swing is so present
but not upstage-y.

Okay, and cue bears.

Ma, my freakin' bowl is empty!

I been working
the docks all day,

and this is
what I come home to?

Oobatz! Ha!

[bowl shatters]
[sighs]

Joey, that's the twelfth bowl
you've broken.

Please stick to the script.

Did you eat my porridge?

Did you eat
my freakin' porridge, blondie?

Lil' Joey is so miscast.

Baby Bear's supposed
to be cute like Jing.

[sneezes]

Excuse me, Mr. Perry.

You directed me ten years ago
as Tree Number Eight.

Oh, yes.
Very memorable.

I slipped in your copious
Mountain Dew urine

and dislocated my shoulder.

This is your production
and we don't want to overstep,

but it's an absolute mess and
you're doing a terrible job.

Here's the skinny,
I could give a hoot

about this two-bit
kindergarten production.

And I'm up
for a middle school revival

of "Thoroughly Modern Millie."
This play is yours.

I'm going shopping
for flapper dresses.

Joey, could we talk to you?

"Baby Bear."
I stay in character.

Actually, we feel your talents
are wasted as Baby Bear.

We need someone to pull the
rope that raises the curtain.

- You're the strongest kid here, right?
- Damn right I am.

I threw a Super Ball
right over the school.

Let's see any
of those noodle arms do that.

Everyone, the role
of Baby Bear is now played by...

hmm, let's see... Jing.

Yay!

From the top.

If you're not off book,
you're not on stage.

A-Train, this
is Jack-O,

talking to you
through our new helmet mics.

What's your , over?

Straddling you with my arms
around your waist, over.

- Copy.
- Copy your copy.

Love you.

[engine rumbles]

Got some cagers ahead.
Biker slang for cars.

Gonna glide right through, over.

[metal screeching]
Punks!

Well, Mavis,
it cost two week's pay,

but this new paint job
has got me feeling good.

[engine rumbles,
metal screeches]

I don't deserve nice things.

Post a photo of our new,
interesting lifestyle.

- BOTH: Eee!
- [grunts]


#BugginOut. Post.

Ooh, check it out, Jack.

It's Hog Night at
The Big Fat Child ' s Diner.

We should go.

We could meet
other hobby hoggers like us.

Okay, but let me drive.

Bitch-switch coming up.

[both grunting]

That went a lot better
than last time, over.

[indistinct chatter]

Hell of a comfy bike
you got there.

- That the Kazooki Meanderer?
- You know it.

Fully loaded
with butt warmers

and a pill organizer in the trunk.

Bitchin'.
Ours is a ' Sundowner.

Jamie Lee Curtis
rides the same one.

Came with a case of her yogurt.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Our gut floor is off the chain.

Just like
Jamie Lee Curtis promised.

BOTH: JLC!

We're the Larkins,
Denise and Gary,

comfy bikers since Gary's
back injury settlement in ' .

We're the Harrises,
A-Train and Jack-O,

comfy biking since : a. m.

How many ponies
you straddling?

, straight to the rear wheel.

- What's your cholesterol?
- , straight to the heart.

How many times
you get up in the night to pee?

Three... that I know of.

[laughter]

Hey, we're rolling

to the Sturgeon
Comfortable Bike Rally.

You should join us.
Goes all weekend.

Asleep by : every night.

My sweet butt is there!

You know "sweet butt"
is someone

who gets passed around
for sex, right?

- I did not.
- But what about Jing's play?

- I hate to miss it.
- The kids did tell us

to get out of their lives
and get our own.

So what's it gonna be?

Most fun weekend
you've ever had

with middle-aged bikers,

or time with your kids
who hate you?

We didn't say they hate us.

Oh, trust us.
They hate you.

BOTH: Hmm...

Amazing rehearsal.

Everyone here
is elevating the work.

Uh, a few minor casting changes.

Tommy, you're now a tree.
Miley, also a tree.

Jerron, Johnny, Jimmy...
tree, tree, tree.

- But Bradley, my little leading man...
- Yes?

- Also a tree.
- Oh.

This new script doesn't have
any lines for Goldilocks.

Sounds like something
a tree would say.

- But...
- Tree.

Also, the story's so tired. I
gave it a modern, edgier spin.

And Goldilocks is such a Karen,
we don't need to hear from her.

The play is now titled

"Baby Bear: Someone's
Been Sleeping in My Mind."

And Jing is the only one
with lines,

so none of you have to worry
about remembering anything.

To think, just yesterday,
I was Tree Number Four.

Look at me now.

Never give up
on your dreams, guys!

[all groan]

I can't wait till Mommy
and Daddy see me up there!

[notification chimes]

"At biker rally all weekend.

Order pizza or whatevs.
We have our own lives."

Love you, kids!
Break a leg!


ALL: Sturgeon!

You know, if they die,
we get all their debt, right?

Awesome.

[engines revving]

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorcycling ♪

Oh, I am so under-boobed for this.

And I'm under-ponytailed.

[engine rumbling]

Jack, Annie, this is
our crew, Hell's Boomers.

Hearts as big as their prostates.

- Oop, t*nk's full. Gotta tinkle.
- It's Sturgeon, Earl.

You can go right here
on the street.

[chuckles]
Of course.

What a lovely,
smelly festival.

Jack and Annie here are
a couple of Sturgeon virgins.

Their snowflake kids were giving

them a hard time about
"sharenting."

[all grumble]

Trust me, you don't need
to do any sharenting

when you can "showtorcycle"?

Just follow me.
You'll get it.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheering]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[spits]
Got one!

[camera shutter clicks]

[both grunting]

- Eat it, Jay Leno.
- Eh, two out of three.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Showtorcycle!
- Smile, honey!

Huh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!

Aah!

[camera shutter clicks]

[music]

[indistinct chatter]

All right,
does everyone know their lines?

- We don't have any.
- Perfect.

Lil' Joey, you ready
to raise the curtain?

Sure, but that's
all I'm gonna do.

You want it lowered,
that's Wally's job.

And I ain't no scab.

A victory for one's
a victory for all.

Nailed it, Pop!

Okay,
that's what we came to see.

Get the car, Ange.

But this chair is just right.

ALL: Aw!

Well, it used to be.

Ha!

[all gasp]

What are you hungry for?

Love? Money? Power?

I was hungry for porridge,
but it was stolen from me!

[growls]

- [all gasp]
- Ooh!

Oh, we're definitely staying.
Sit down.

[chair crashes]
They're into it.

We're the Billie and Finneas
of children's theater.

[crash]
[audience gasps]

[indistinct chatter]
[rock music]

Ugh, I'm gonna be
laying fish eggs for a week.

[burps]
Oh, boy.

[laughter]

Damn, you two
have grown on us faster

- than an ass callous.
- Before we met you,

we had nothing
but careers and kids.

But now,
our lives have meaning.

Yeah, this may be
the high mercury content

of the sturgeon talking,

but we want
to grow old with you.

What do you think, Gary?

I know they're young punks,

but should we invite them
to join Hell's Boomers?

You read my conspiracy theory
damaged mind.

We don't give these badges
to just anybody,

but we met you
in a diner parking lot,

so we know
you're the real deal.

They're a symbol
of allegiance

to our freedom-loving
lifestyle.

Also, you get %
off your meal today.

We would be honored
to join your leathery crew.

Uh-uh, we have this fun,
little initiation thing

we make everybody do.

Sounds neat.
Lay it on us.

You just have to set fire

to that Winnebago
parked across the street.

[both laugh]

- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.

Go do it.
And hurry back.

We ordered pizookie for dessert.

Well, I guess it's all right
as long as nobody gets hurt.

Oh, people are gonna get hurt.

There's a couple
in their s inside

who cut us off in traffic.

You need to burn 'em alive.

[gags]

Wait, but we thought
you were like us.

Nice, middle-aged people
with unappreciative kids

and a drawer
full of compression socks.

We are, but when
the weekend rolls around,

we put on our colors

and we bash the skulls in
of anyone who crosses us.

And then, we watch "Yellowstone."
Have you seen it?

Well then, I guess we'll
go outside and burn 'em up.

All right, do we need
to tape the door shut first?

'Cause
when that couple sees fire,

they're gonna try and get out.

- Jack, we're not k*lling people!
- Oh, thank God.

I thought
you really wanted that patch.

What are we even doing here?
We're not bikers.

We're overbearing parents

who should be
at their daughter's play.

[both panting]

Where the hell
do you think you're going?

Hmm?

Domino!

[grunts]

Huh.

Go, go, go!
[engine revs]

[g*nf*re]

Drive away!

Senior bikers
are gonna k*ll you!

[g*nf*re]

Well, that's a shame.
They seemed like good people.

You know
what I feel like murdering?

- That pizookie. Mwah.
- Mm.

[sobbing]

Someone's sleeping in my bed.

And she's still here.

And I'm still here,
Mama and Papa.

I'm still here!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- Jing! Bravo!
- Whoo!

Aw, jeez, I haven't cried
like this since "Jersey Boys."

Duncan, Kimberly!

Trees One through Fourteen!
Get out here!

[cheering]

Shannon, over here.

Magnificent, Bradley.
Smile!

[camera shutters clicking]

How come
no one's taking our picture?

Yeah, this is probably the
greatest thing I'll ever do.

Our childhood's
going by so quickly.

Someone should want
to remember this forever.

Like a parent who wants
to share this moment

- of their parenting.
- ALL: Ohhh.

Mom and Dad were just trying
to celebrate us,

and we treated them like crap.

[phone buzzes]

What?

Open the auditorium door.
Quick!


Joey, open the door.

Sorry,
if you want doors opened...

ALL: Joey!

[motorcycle rumbles]
Ow!

Mommy!
[squeals]

Ooh, you smell like fish.
But I don't care!

Sorry we weren't here, kids.

But when you told us
to get a life,

we thought it would be this
admittedly awesome motorcycle.

But the truth is,
you kids are our lives.

Whatever. Stop talking
and take our picture.

[all vocalize]

#SharentingIsCarenting.

ALL: Aaand post.

This is so much nicer
than burning a couple alive.

- What?
- Uh... Let's go mini-golfing again!

ALL: Yay!

Hang on!

[tires squealing]

Aah!

Thank God I got union medical.

[hammer pounding]
Is it done, Daddy?


Almost.

Wow, you must have
felt really guilty

about missing Jing's play
to buy her one of those.

Well, it's what she asked for.

You want to give it a go, Jing?

[grunts]
[rock music]

[mimics motorcycle engine]

Whee!

I'm cheating death!

- Whoo-hoo!
- [grunting]

- Whoa!
- [screams, giggles]

[motorcycle rumbles]
Ooh.

- [laughs]
- BOTH: Whoo!

[metal clangs]

That doesn't sound g... aah!

[all screaming]

[crash]

Well, I donated a lot of plasma,

but I was able to afford
a new paint job

and this giant cake.
[Mavis barks]

Yeah, I can't wait
to eat it either.

[all screaming]

[car crunches]

First, we eat the cake.
Then, we call .


[wind rustling]

[chime tinkles]
[skulls clack]
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