02x04 - One Flew Over The Cuck's Nest

[bunniefuu]

Sweet afternoon, amorous ones.

To celebrate or
not to celebrate?

That is not a question.

One simple thing separates

those who love Valentine's
Day from those who do not,

and it has nothing to
do with candy hearts

or singing telegrams.

It's all about that plus one.

Or in some cases, that plus two.

What? Thought you
like it when I bite.

Uh, you two go.
Um, I wanna watch.

That's the third time
he's sat out this week.

We'll just give him a show then.

But what about those of you

who are spending
this V-Day plus none?

Welcome to "Stop the Story."

Obie was my first real love.

And I wanted to show all of you
just how great that love was.

But... I picked and
chose what I saw.

I'm stopping that story.

I'm gonna take you behind
the scenes of moments

that looked perfect but
were actually painful.

Curated instead of experienced.

Hoped Obie would be my guest
on pulling back that curtain,

but... as you can see,

he's stopped my
story all by himself.

Okay. Leave a comment. Have
you made amends with an ex?

Do you hope to?

And I'll see you
back here at five,

for the truth about how hard
"making it look easy" is

on the people who love you.

What really matters
are the ways we show up

for that special someone.

And making sure they're
showing up for you, too.

I have a surprise for you.

Better be a black car
taking you to school.

You're gonna be late.

Look, I've missed you this week,

and I wanted to do something
special for your...

coming back up and all. So
I decided I'd make breakfast

from your favorite restaurant.
And then I remembered

that you really like
the gougères at Benoit.

And more importantly, I
don't know how to cook.

So I thought, why not
bring Benoit to you?

Maybe it's... too much.

But a week is a long time to
be apart from your perfect,

amazing, hopefully
famished girlfriend.

It's wonderful.

Can't it be like
this all the time?

You know I'd be here if I could.

If only I could be
two places at once.

This Hallmark-created holiday

is for kissing and telling.

Or wanting to kiss
and telling them, too.

Is that another new suit?

Yeah. Greyson de Haan
sent a couple over.

Part of the welcome, I guess.

Or a reminder that
he bought you.

Like Monet buys people.

You know, it kinda
runs in their family.

Slow down, 1619 Project.

You're forgetting,
I'm not for sale.

Right. I'm sure that's
what the Post told Bezos.

Whatever your plans,

Liz Taylor once said,

"Pour yourself a drink..."

"put on some lipstick, and
pull yourself together."

So, followers, pucker up.

Excuse me. Iced oat latte?

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Wait.

Didn't we meet at the
debutante thing or...

I thought I recognized you.

- Uh, Graham Smith.
- Julien Calloway.

Nice to see you
again, away from...

whatever it is that was.

You got a gig near here?

Just on my way to class. I
go to Mannes School of Music.

You just carry that thing
everywhere with you, huh?

You get used to it.
It was more ridiculous

when I was twelve and
it was twice my size.

You play anything?

Uh, this is the only
instrument I'm any good with.

And what do you do with that?

Well, I used to use it to
perpetuate a whole bunch

of lies to help people
feel bad about themselves.

But now I'm trying this thing
called honesty, you know?

Pulling back the facade.
Exposing the lies beneath.

Oh, how postmodern.

Or what I'm doing
before I distract myself

with something else?

I feel like I keep
trying things,

and nothing seems to be working.

Maybe this time.

As much as I
appreciate the company,

isn't this the
wrong way to Mannes?

Wow, she knows where Mannes is!

My dad's a musician...
Uh, was a musician. So.

I kinda wanna hear more about
your "Stop the Story" thing.

Okay, I started following
you after the deb brawl.

Way to bury the lede!

Well, the next one I'm doing

is about being tragically
single on Valentine's Day.

You could make a
guest appearance?

You're married?
How old are you?

Twenty-one. Uh. High
school sweetheart.

Long story.

I'm sure it's a really good one.

Yeah, it's, um...

She's great.

Nice to meet you
officially, Graham.

You too.

Hey, so, unexpected news.

We already know
about you and Shubin.

Nothing to know.
Just hanging out.

Clothes on or off?

Wendy! I don't wanna
hear about that.

She's not your mom. She's
allowed to have sex.

Gossip Girl just got
photographic evidence

that Greyson de Haan
is cheating on Camille.

Merry Christmas.

Isn't that, like, the one
gift you've always wanted?

Where is it? I keep refreshing.

Ugh. I miss being
in on the action.

I didn't post it yet.

I thought I would
do the right thing.

Tell Camille privately first.

It's not because
goody-two-Shubins

is getting to you?

- Morning.
- Morning.

I simply thought
I would extend it

as a sort of
interpersonal olive branch

to repair whatever wrong
foot she and I got off on.

Right, because telling
someone their husband

is cheating on them always
makes them like you.

Jillian Vose is guesting
at DUMBO Hall tonight.

What do you say to a
Valentine's Eve pre-game?

And then after,
since Dad and Pops

are further cementing
their reconciliation,

we've got an entire
townhouse to ourselves.

We might have to try some
new things in some new rooms.

Promised my mom we'd hang out.

I haven't... haven't
seen her in a while.

Your mom?

Um, I'll see you
at brunch tomorrow?

Mm.

That's odd. Jodie
always spends V-Day

- in Vail with Warren Buffet.
- Mm-hmm.

Don't ask me how
that guy still skis.

Are you sure she's
going this year?

I helped her pick an
après-ski look just last week.

First he shuts down in bed,
and now he's lying to us.

My spidey senses are tingling,
Hope. And not in a good way.

How long is Grace
here this time?

Forty-eight hours.

Yeah, I mean, it was great when
we were together every day.

But now, you know,
like, after this trip,

she doesn't plan on
coming back for a month.

This long-distance
thing's jus...

You know. I mean, it
kills relationships.

What if you didn't
have to do it?

What, just leave
school and follow her

on her mom's campaign trail?

Why doesn't she
just enroll here?

- Like... like Constance here?
- No, look, I'm sure she wants

to spend as much time
with you as you do her.

Maybe she's just
waiting for you to ask.

Thanks, Ak. I hadn't, uh...
I hadn't thought of that.

C'mon. Let's get out of here.

- I felt that chill from here.
- Okay, so it's not just me.

Oh, no. No. He's
definitely avoiding you.

Just like old times!

Good thing we get to
turn our minds off

at our annual spa day.

Our minds? You too?

With two people,
it's easy to know

when you're on the same page,

but what if there
isn't room for three?

Gotta think about how
to work out our kinks

while Tamiko works
out my kinks tomorrow.

And as for Mr. Bergmann,

I think you know
what that's about.

That it's hard being
friends with an ex

with your new girlfriend around

no matter how much
you wish it wasn't.

"Stop the Story," I
think she's got it.

"Can she let it be?"
is another story.

Let's get falafel, hang
at Bleeker playground.

Time Out rated it the best
place to dump someone,

so there's bound to be
some deeply tragic breakups

night before V-Day.

Yeah, while that sounds
absolutely terrible...

Mm-hmm.

I'm committed to spending
the day with my dad.

Yeah,

we're committed to this bit

where we painfully mask
the weirdness between us.

And I know you think
he's some, like,

burgeoning corporate overlord,
but what if he's a Trojan Horse?

You know? Changing things
secretly from the inside?

- Hmm.
- Yeah. He's a good guy.

Unless you know
something I don't.

How bout I join you guys? I
need help with my V-Day plans.

I'm going full Bachelorette,
ten suitors lined up

for the Kiss on the Lips party.

Ten? I don't even have one.

- What about Terrell?
- Terrell who?

Don't play like you
haven't been stalking him

- since the deb ball.
- You can't stalk somebody

who doesn't have
social media presence.

Do you know how many
pictures I've seen

that are just "hashtag Terrell?"

I know nothing about him
besides how hot he is.

Girl, that's why
you ask someone out.

- The "out" is to find out.
- Move it, peons!

- Sorry.
- Whoa, yeah. Sorry.

He was Monet's escort.
Get her to hook you up.

I'm not asking
the queen of mean.

Fine. I will. Yo Mo Mo!

Lil Z's and me's
has a query for ya.

- Are they on the agenda?

It's just one simple question.

We don't need an
appointment for that.

Have you ever heard
of precedence?

If we do it for you, we
have to do it for anyone.

And we do not do
things for anyone.

Um... Terrell Carter.

I was wondering if you could
make an intro for me with him?

Do I look like Cupid for
poors? Kindly move along.

The lower steps
are getting bold.

What is Harris wearing?

Queen D, I know your dress
code said only designer khakis,

but Matches, Mr. Porter,

and Essence sold out
in my sample size,

so I had no choice
but to Rag and Bone.

I kneel before thee
as a sign of remorse.

It'll never happen again.

Hey, I eased up on the
dress code last week.

But addressing me by my
proper title? That stays.

Thank you for this kindness.

Mm.

No, be who you are! It's okay!

Why does no one believe me?

We all thought it was a trick.

They're expecting
to be excoriated.

Were you actually serious?

What... When am I
ever not? Yes, I mean,

too many restrictions is
turning people against me.

- I can feel it.
- Yes, because they fear you.

I want them to like and fear me.

Mm. That's not possible.

Sure it is. Look
at Shonda Rhimes.

You'd have to give them
a reason to like you.

Like Julien did.

Fear may have gotten
you to the top,

but only respect
can keep you there.

Well, isn't teaching them style
and taste worthy of respect?

Julien is kind, okay?

That's why she gains
20,000 followers

just by blinking on TikTok.

If you want what she
has, you have to rule

with an open hand.
Not an iron fist.

Say more things.

The annual Kiss
on the Lips party.

That only the reigning
Queen gets to throw.

Should be open to all, not
exclusive for next-to-none.

Show everyone a good time,
and you can reign forever.

Oh, Luna. Forever in La-land.

If you invite all the Ps?
'Kay? Then the VIs don't show.

Take my advice. Or don't.

The longer this goes on,
the less time you do.

Guess that's what you get by
outsourcing your henchwomen

from Midtown East.

You heard her. Open the gates

and make it
friendlier than ever.

Love is all around. Got that?

You shouldn't have come here.

I haven't seen you in a week.

Well, the campaign
is keeping me busy.

As well as this Obie guy.

My mom forbade me to see you.

"This Obie guy" keeps
her off our tracks.

She thinks I'm with
him when I'm with you,

and he thinks I'm with
her when I'm with you.

Works for everyone.

But you weren't with
either of us last week.

Sometimes that's unavoidable...

Wait. Was that the elevator?

It's a big building.

W... you need to go. Now!

Are you sure you
aren't enjoying him?

- Why aren't you leaving?
- Maybe I want him to see us?

No, Matías, you don't.
Please just hide now!

Obie!

- Hi.
- You're back early.

Hi. Yeah. I just...
I had this idea

and I... I wanted to
share it with you.

There's always the phone.

Are you okay? You... You
look a little flushed.

I just took a hot
shower. What's up?

Well, I know how much you
hate traveling with your mom.

And I was just thinking that
maybe you didn't have to.

God, you look so sexy right now!

Sorry, you're just...
so irresistible.

What were you going to say?

Um... nothing. Just,
uh, just, uh...

glad we get to spend
Valentine's Day together.

Thank you so much.

Of Course, Mrs. de Haan.

Mrs. de Haan.

I was actually
hoping to see you.

And here I am,

just coming from a talk
with our new Head Teacher.

She wanted to get acquainted
and hear who I feel

are standouts
amongst the faculty,

and who I believe
might have slipped in

due to her predecessor's
significantly lower standards.

And, uh, where do I
fall in your eyes?

Before you go,

I owe it to you to
share some information.

I know it's none of my business,

but...

I saw your husband this morning

exiting The Bowery
with another woman.

And I can only
imagine if I saw them,

someone else could've,
and go tell Gossip Girl.

Whatever you think you saw,

I assure you, it
was not my husband.

While I do not appreciate
the accusation you're making

about my marriage,

I will not notify the
Head Teacher about this,

purely out of sympathy
for whatever episode

you are clearly having.

But if you ever...

try something like this again,

or if a tip about this
ends up on Gossip Girl,

your head will roll
so fast and so far...

you'll never catch up to it.

- Hey!
- Hey, babe.

- I'm just running late for Jodi.
- Oh, I won't keep you.

I just wanted to check
in, see how you're doing.

Why do you keep asking me that?

We're your partners! We want
to see how you're doing.

I'm annoyed by you asking?

I would tell you
if I wasn't fine.

Your hair's wet. Did
you just have PE?

Um, yeah. I'll... I'll see you

at the Kiss on the
Lips party tomorrow.

What did I miss?

Making Aki upset for
asking him how he was?

PE must've riled him up.

He doesn't take
PE this semester.

He's on the wrestling team.

- And they don't meet today.
- He just showered.

What do you wanna do?

I wanted to thank you
for your advice earlier.

And I want to thank
you for yours.

I'm gonna be spending the
afternoon alone. Just me.

Same here. I'm just
gonna let Aki, Aki.

- Gonna let Obie, Obie.
- See you tomorrow?

"Dr. Eamonn Veta."
The Menzies' GP.

Happy Valentine's
Eve, followers.

Just as certain as
tomorrow will be

our Upper East Sider's annual

ultra-exclusive Kiss
on the Lips party,

I bear the promise of
another sure thing.

This year, Cupid is
taking the day off.

So to those of you
who might be busy

spending the day making
plans to find love...

know this. I'm taking over.

And I'm going to make sure you
and your loved ones know it.

Have they ever heard
of natural lighting?

Quiet. I'm trying to hear.

I have to take it every day?
And Descovy is the same thing?

- As Truvada? Yes.
- Descovy? What's that?

It's PrEP.

Oh, it's not
cancer. Thank God.

It is for our relationship.

If he's taking it now, it
can only mean one thing.

He's about to cheat on us, Hope.

And to kick things off,

let me leave you with
a little blind item.

Nothing is ever as
good as it seems.

And just because
you think you know

the person standing next to you,

doesn't mean there's
not someone else

on the other side of
them that you can't see.

So how much does a place
like this go for, anyways?

That's not a very polite
question to ask, Miss Barnes.

Just curious. It's cool
how you were able to buy it

all of a sudden like that.

Shan.

It wasn't all of a sudden. The
deal's still going through.

I looked. This place listed
for two and a half mil.

But you snapped it up
before you got recruited

- by Darth Pharma.
- Shan!

Can we change the
subject please?

I don't think my finances
make good dinner conversation

with teenagers.

My bad. Subject changed.

No f*cking way.
Sweet Home Ali-basic

in illicit lip
lock? Are you sure?

I know what I saw, Audge.

Okay, okay. So here's
what you're gonna do.

Next time you see Obie,

you're gonna walk
right up to him,

and you're gonna act like
everything is completely normal.

Not a word of what you saw.

I can't let Grace do this to
him. He doesn't deserve it.

I'll have to lightly, strongly
disagree with that statement.

He cares about
her, Audrey. And...

If I'm his friend,
I have to tell him.

Okay. But you're not his
friend. You're his ex.

So if you do anything
with this information

except keep it to yourself,
then you'll seem vengeful

- and selfish.
- And honest?

He'll never believe you.

Not after what you tried
to pull in Hudson. Look.

You need to approach this
situation with finesse

or you could lose him forever.

And how do I do that?

By subtly and skillfully
convincing Grace

to come clean on her own?

Done.

And what about Ak?

I'm gonna try and
take my own advice.

You know, Max and I only
have assumptions right now,

so if we try to accuse
him without facts,

then it might blow up
in our faces. And...

that would be very bad.
So I need some facts.

And I'll get them by
asking him honestly

and with finesse.

- Good luck.
- You, too.

Please don't tell me
you're gonna spend today

watching Love Actually?

It's a time-worn
Valentine's tradition.

You do realize how problematic
this movie is, don't you?

It's romantic.

It's reductive,
exploitative. It's... it's...

And how will I enjoy
it without our annual

"crass or classic" commentary?

Whoa!

We friends again?

Almost. I figure we're
basically even now.

Besides, I, um...

I know you're only working
there to keep us here.

Yes. Exactly.

Since we're almost friends...

Lay it on me.

So, Shan has been acting
super weird lately.

I mean, you saw her
at dinner last night.

And I don't know why, but
it's kinda making me feel

like I don't want to spend that
much time with her anymore.

Here's a thought. Just ask.

Be honest about how
it makes you feel.

Maybe if you and I had done
a little bit more of that,

we wouldn't have gotten
to where we were.

Why don't you invite her to
the spa thing with the girls?

Talk. Relax. Reconnect.
Get to the bottom it.

- That's what friends do.
- Hmm.

Thank you.

♪ My love is like a hit
and run But I come back ♪

There you are.

Hey! You made it.

I didn't think you
were gonna come.

Why not? I have a hangnail
that needs tending to.

Well, um... I know things
have been really weird

between us. I just wanted
to make sure we're okay.

We are, right?
You would tell me?

Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.

- It's about...
- Hey, girls!

Your friend Terrell.
At the deb ball,

he asked me about you.
And I knew you liked him,

but I was sort of
aggro that night,

so I kinda blew him off.

And I've felt terrible
about it ever since.

Hey, it's fine. He's just a guy.

A guy you should be
spending Valentine's with!

No. He... It's
just a distraction

from all the sh*t in
my life. It's not real.

Let's make it real. We need to
get him at the party tonight.

How? Monet has his
contact on lockdown.

Which is why our
mission is to get it

by any means necessary.

She's here, we're here,
and so is her phone.

By the end of this spa-ga,
I'm gonna have glowing skin,

and you're gonna
have a hot date.

Welcome to today's
"Stop the Story."

I'm here at the spa with
my girls, the perfect place

for a filterless convo.

Set your alarms for a Q&A
with my nearest and dearest

about the BS behind
this high-presh holiday.

Hey!

You better have
brought them here

for me to ritually sacrifice,

because this is
supposed to be relaxing.

I mean, who's even paying
for them? Make-a-Wish?

There are treatments to be had
and livestreams to overshare.

Just let them fade
into the steam.

Mm-hmm. And what
about Queen Kong?

I could see her anywhere.

- Gracie, you made it!
- I love it here.

I came during their soft
open with Audrey Pence.

I could def use some girl time.

I bet you could.

Yes!

Ak, uh, could you
grab me a La Croix?

You know where they are.

I need relationship
advice from both you guys.

Try spelling "Mississippi"
with your tongue.

No.

Not like that.
Like, real stuff.

Ask me.

Not only is my relationship
the longest, it's also grown.

Don't think polyamory
applies here, Ak.

Uh, I... I, uh, I can't
reach the pamplemousse.

Aki, can you, uh, can
you grab it, please?

You got thinner arms
and it's just...

- It's jammed at the back there.
- Seriously?

It's just... It's
like, how do I know...

if I'm being too
pushy with Grace?

Thanks, pal.

- You know, what if I was being led by Julien...
- What did you want?

But now I'm leading
too much with Grace?

What, Obie? I can't. Can
you... Can you come over here?

I can't hear you.

- See, I just don't want this to, like...
- Oh, I just heard my phone.

Wait. Huh?

I don't... I just... I
don't want this thing

to be Goldilocks, you know?

Like, where I was... I'm...
I'm too small with Julien

and now I'm too big with Grace.

I don't want that. I want
this relationship to work now.

I don't want some future
relationship to work.

You know? And how do you know
if you're doing too much...

or if you're doing enough?

Anyone?

Mone, this is gonna
be the hottest

Kiss on the Lips party
of all time. No cap.

We got American Bar to cater.

Mom's doing the champagne tower.

Luna, what would you do?

Recast?

As promised, I'm here taking
your questions about love,

loneliness, and the moments in
between. Questions are open.

Ooh, hot topic,
"Monogamy vs. polyamory?

Preference and why?"

I think my position
is very clear.

Why don't we ask Grace?

Um, well, I was raised in a
pretty traditional household.

So, while I believe
love is love,

I've always been a
one-man type of gal.

Okay. You heard it here first.

Grace Byron,
resident monogamist.

Why do I have to do it?
Why can't you just...

Riveting.

Oh, six feet, please. I
don't trust the ventilation.

Since you didn't
want to introduce us,

I was wondering if
you could give me

Terrell's phone number?
He's not on IG or Snapchat.

Hmm, probably because
he blocked you?

What went down at the deb
ball was all my idea, not Z's.

So if you want
someone to hate...

Right. Here's the thing.

Why give you his phone number
when he's just going to say no?

Haven't you heard
I'm benevolent now?

I'm sparing you pain.

If she won't give it up,
we'll just have to take it.

Ooh. This comment's interesting.
"Have you ever been interested

in someone who was unavailable?"

Hmm. Trick question. Is anyone
ever emotionally available?

Do dead men count? What?
No way I'm alone here.

You're alone. Get used to it.

No, I'm... I'm with her.

I've had a crush
on River Phoenix

ever since Aki made me watch
My Own Private Idaho. So...

Grace? You're quiet.
What about you?

Have you ever been into
someone who's unavailable?

Or have you met someone
when you're unavailable?

Why don't you share
with the group?

Okay, I'll share.

I recently met this very
attractive, married man.

Nothing happened.
We just talked.

But I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't interested in
getting to know him better.

Even though I know how
wrong that would be.

You need to stop that story.

Affairs don't only affect
you, they destroy families.

I thought after
what your mom did,

you of all people
would know that.

Monet...

No. What you're doing is wrong,
and selfish, and entitled.

I... I haven't done anything.

That's what everyone says.

Oh, my God. Mone, are you okay?

I... I think my dad
is having an affair.

Anyone cheat on
your mom? No way.

I thought that they
were the perfect ship.

But it turns out, they're
a mess like all of yours.

That blind GG item is
about my dad. I know it.

How?

He has been sneaking around,
and my mom is acting weird,

so I followed him twice.
To a hotel both times.

Oh, honey.

You say a word of
this to anyone,

I'll have you all exiled
to Exeter. All of you.

I need some vitamin D.

I need to change my massage.

I want a smoothie.

I want fresh ginger tea.

And when I say fresh ginger,
I mean make it yourself.

What now?

Oh, nothing. Just watching
our boyfriend entering

the building of Rex
Huntington, carrying a bag

- of newly purchased sex toys!
- Give me that back!

Julien was right.

What, about the glass
dildo and the butt plugs?

Did Rex Huntington
RSVP for tonight?

Of course.

Julien said to talk
to Aki outright,

which is exactly what
we're gonna do tonight

at the party.

Hi. I booked the
relaxing massage,

but after the day I'm having,
I'm gonna need the muscle...

The day you're having?

Pretty sure I was the one

being waterboarded
in the wellness pool.

- Grace?
- Give us a moment?

Mm-hmm.

I don't care how you found
out and I don't care...

I know you definitely
don't care about Obie.

I saw you hooking
up with that rando!

Matías isn't random. He's my ex.

My mother doesn't approve.
I tried to end it, but...

It's complicated.

It seems pretty simple to me.

You're cheating on one
of my best friends.

And either you're gonna tell him

- or I'm...
- Or what? You'll tell him?

You think he'll believe you

after everything
you put him through?

Making a false
accusation like that

could cost the little
friendship you have left.

You think I'm just gonna
sit by and let you hurt him?

If you tell him, you'll be
breaking his heart again.

How many times are you
gonna do that, Julien?

Besides, it's your
word against mine,

and your word means
nothing anymore.

Shan!

Shan! Shan, no, don't!

Dating before Valentine's Day

is just a game of
musical chairs.

Seats swap, partners change,
and options are eliminated.

What are you doing here?

I found a great date for us!

The Kiss on the Lips
party? Isn't that for kids?

Yup. What worse date is there?

Besides, your bestie
Camille's gonna be there

since it's her daughter's party.

Imagine her face,
seeing us dancing.

You do dance, don't you?

Very, very badly and
with no shame about it.

Could you excuse me a moment?

Only if it's to change into
something very un-festive.

Okay, Mike, I'm in!

f*ck yes!

But word is this year,

there are a few
unexpected players.

So where will you be
when the music stops?

Seated comfortably?

Or standing alone while
everyone watches you

land straight on your ass?

There's, like, no
f*cking service out here.

The party's starting. How
long are we supposed to wait?

Are you sure this
is Pete's place?

There's no way Kim
would come out here.

Jesus, Bianca. Yeah,
it's Staten Island.

f*ck, it's cold!

♪ Doesn't anyone dance
In this town no more? ♪

♪ Why am I the only one
On the dance floor? ♪

♪ DJ's killin' it
Drinks is poured ♪

♪ I don't like None of
y'all hoes I'm bored ♪

♪ I'm tryna get loose with it ♪

♪ Shake a little somethin'
Get the whole crew with it ♪

♪ sh*ts to the head Got the
whole room spinnin'... ♪

It's perfect.

Wait until our
special guest arrives.

It's what I do.

You? Where are the girls?

They were no-shows.
Someone had to step in.

If you ask me, I think
they always planned

to try and destroy you.

You owe me forever, bitch.

Name it.

I'll cash in when
the time is right.

Mm-hmm.

When I said open the
party to everyone,

I didn't mean everyone.

It's a long story,

but it's why I insisted on
low lighting. 'Kay? Come on.

♪ Take a pic, it'll last long ♪

♪ Gotta go 'Cause they
playing my song... ♪

You brought a chaperone?

Nice to see you
too, Miss Barnes.

I told Zoya she could
go so long as I saw

with my own eyes what it was.

- Which I thought was fair. So...
- Mm-hmm.

You can go now!

Sure. Yeah, in a little bit.

♪ I like to get it started
I'm spendin' all my money... ♪

So, have you seen
Terrell anywhere?

Not yet, but I'm on the lookout.

This is literally the best
party I've ever been invited to.

It's the only party you've
ever been invited to.

JK! You're welcome.

Being liked is awful.

♪ I like to party,
I like to get down ♪

At least your apple doesn't
fall far from that tree.

I know, right? She's amazing.

He doesn't deserve her.

This is a great party, hon.

So, our first Valentine's
as an us. Exciting, huh?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Are we... looking for something?

Uh, yeah. The, uh,
the caviar concierge.

He was here a second ago.

You know what I could
really use right now, babe?

Valentine's Vespers?

You know us so well.

I can't believe
he'd do this to us.

You were literally gonna
f*ck Rex two weeks ago!

- Yeah, only 'cause you made me!
- Okay.

Hey.

Oh, my God! They're
not even hiding it!

Oh, I almost forgot.

Breakfast, flowers, a
Cameo from Chris Pratt.

- You've done enough.
- No, this is, uh...

this is your real...
your real gift.

I thought maybe you could sew it

into your new uniform.

Okay, hear me out. I... I...

I was thinking maybe you could
enroll at... at Constance.

Hmm. This is...

a little late in
the year, isn't it?

Normally, yes. But, uh,
Leni Klum got that...

that role on that Amazon series
in Budapest, and, you know,

since she's gonna be
schooling remotely

for the rest of
the year, and it...

left this opening,
which I secured for you.

Without talking to me?

- You hate it.
- No! No, I love it. It's just...

I don't know if I
can deal with...

Julien?

Julien's the reason that you
don't wanna enroll at Constance?

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I think she's still
trying to come between us.

Obie! Grace! I'd like you
to meet Matías Botello.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.

Nice to meet... You
know, you look...

You look kind of familiar.
Have we met before?

Wait, where would
any of us have met?

I don't know. I'm just,
I'm really good with faces.

He is. Really good.

Are you that guy that
spat on Senator Byron?

- You did what?
- Yeah, what the f*ck, man?

- Julien, this guy is...
- Is against capitalism,

corporate greed, and
immigration policies

that make Donald Tr*mp
look like the Dalai Lama?

Can't disagree with
that, can you. Grace?

Seems she has a type.

Obie, I'm thirsty.
Let's get a drink?

You know, this is way lower
than I ever expected from you.

Just stay out of
my life, Julien.

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Everybody starin',
I don't care ♪

♪ And I'm feeling great ♪

♪ Get out my way ♪

♪ Don't make me Get
off my scooter ♪

♪ Na na na na na... ♪

Telling you she
doesn't like him,

telling him she
doesn't know you.

She told me Obie was temporary.

I'm sorry, Matías...

For you and Obie.

Two for me.

Okay, maybe slow down a
little bit? My dad's here.

Why do you think I need this?

Not this again.

I've tried really hard not to...

Not to...

'Kay, we're moving past
what he did. Why can't you?

It's just a job.
Sometimes people do things

- that aren't necessarily...
- It's not about his job, Jesus!

- Here.
- Okay.

So it's apparently
somehow about you.

God, I'm so sick and
tired of you constantly

inserting your chaos
into my life, Shan!

My chaos?

Yes, you know exactly
what I'm talking about!

My family isn't some playground

for your attention-seeking
games. Back off!

Whoa, Z. I'm just trying to
help you see that your dad...

Your help isn't wanted.
Not about this. Ever!

What a liar you are,
Katherine Keller.

We agreed to make this
an unsexy Valentine's,

and look at you.

At least you have
to admit, I win.

I mean, being surrounded
by our pubescent overlords

is as unsexy as a date can get.

Not so fast.

I scheduled us
dual colonoscopies

- for St. Patrick's Day.
- Oh? Oh.

Can you excuse me for a moment?

Yeah.

♪ Go, go, get back on the road ♪

♪ I won't hear another word ♪

Monet. So, I showed. Who is she?

Excuse me?

My secret admirer.
I got your text.

Um...

You... you told me to meet you

and that someone
is into me here.

What the actual f*ck?

So there's no secret admirer?

I think I can help answer that.

And let's welcome to
DUMBO Hall, Charli XCX!

- Shouldn't I just go?
- Not yet.

You want her to react?

Follow my lead.

♪ Don't know what to say ♪

♪ One look and then
You blew me away ♪

♪ I'm spiraling All
over the place ♪

♪ So lifted Got me
reaching for grace ♪

♪ Body off the ground ♪

♪ Caught me by surprise ♪

♪ Like seeing sh**ting
stars In the sky ♪

♪ There's danger in
the dark Of your eyes ♪

♪ But something 'bout
you Brings me to life ♪

♪ Got me here and now ♪

♪ Heartbreak Already
hit me once ♪

♪ They say That it
won't happen twice ♪

♪ You struck me down Like
lightning, lightning ♪

♪ You struck me down Like
lightning, lightning ♪

♪ My stupid heart Can't
fight it, fight it ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya ♪

♪ Like lightning... ♪

Look who's here!
My twink prince!

Yeah, of course Rex is
here. He goes to our school.

I'm more interested
in what he does after.

Squash at the Harvard Club?

Oh, yeah. Squash was
definitely involved.

What are you guys talking about?

- We know about you two.
- We saw everything.

Everything? Gross!

Wh... what exactly
do you think you saw?

We saw you go to the doctor.

Mm-hmm. And pick
up the d*ck scurvy.

- Descovy.
- Mm-hmm.

- Jesus!
- Then to The Pleasure Chest

to buy a chest full of pleasure

- for your secret rendezvous!
- You followed me?

It's not my fault he texted you

when I had your phone.

I had no choice but to
look, and once I did,

- I had to see more.
- Just be honest with us.

We can get through anything if
we're honest with each other.

Oh, from the two people
who secretly tailed me,

violated my privacy,

and tried to break
into my phone?

Is that the kind of
honesty you mean?

Yeah, that's what
I f*cking thought.

What are you laughing at?

How much you just
f*cked this all up.

Those toys weren't for
me. They were for him.

For you.

♪ You took me down
Don't mind it ♪

♪ My stupid heart
Can't fight it ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want
And I'ma give it to ya

♪ Like lightning ♪

Excuse me.

What the hell are
you doing here?

I was invited.

I thought this was
part of the deal.

It is not. If anyone sees you,

it could be the end of the deal.

Dad! Have you no sense
of decency or discretion?

- What are you talking about?
- I know who she is.

- You do?
- You do?

Yes. I invited you here.

Monet Makeda de Haan.

This is not the
time or the place.

I can't think of a better
time or place to expose

that Dad's having an affair.
Jennifer here is his mistress.

No, she's not.

- Yes, she is.
- No, she's not.

- Mom, yes, she is. I...
- No, she is not.

She's both of ours.

Zoya, wait!

So this is what you wanted?
It was never about my dad.

You just wanted to
get with the only guy

that I've been into since Obie.

That's not it at
all. I've just...

I've just been a little
messed up lately, and...

And you wanted me to feel
as miserable as you do?

Well, maybe I'm miserable

because I'm keeping a f*cking
secret I shouldn't be!

A secret about what?

You know what? Forget it.
Go talk to your f*cking dad.

Talk to him about what, Shan?

Or is this just another
deflection in a long line of...

Your dad didn't
buy your apartment!

Dirty Davis Calloway did.

And your dad has been lying
to you and Julien about it

ever since it happened.

I'm s...

♪ You're as cold as ice ♪

Grace. We need to talk.

Uh, you need to back up, bro.

Nobody needs to talk to anybody.

Oh, good, they're here.

You did this? My
brother and my mom?

I knew Matías
wouldn't be enough.

Enough for what?

- Is it true?
- What?

Did Davis Calloway
buy our apartment?

Z, it's complicated.
Let me explain.

What goes on between
your father and me

remains between
your father and me.

And whoever else you
share it with, apparently.

We don't... share her.

So what do you do?
You just sit there

- and watch them go at it to...
- Uh!

Your privilege has
afforded you the ability

to live your life as a
proud, out, young Black woman

in a country where none of
those things come easily.

But they come easily
for you because of me.

So you have no right to question

how your father and
I live our lives,

just like we have never...

questioned how you live yours.

My only regret is that
you chose a public place

to make a mess.

But that is what you
are growing into.

A mess.

Why on earth was
I summoned here?

We took the plane and
everything to come to a party?

Mom, I...

And what are you doing here?

This is your daughter's
secret boyfriend.

- No, he's not.
- I think you're confused.

Yeah, ex... exactly.
Grace would never...

- I told you to end it with him.
- I did! Tell her.

This is all a misunderstanding.

After a deep dive
of Grace's socials

with other grammers'
geotags, last week,

when she was allegedly on
the campaign trail with you,

she was also somehow at Tacombi.

Ew, by the way. And
stayed at The Crosby.

Last week? You said
you were with your mom.

- You told me you were with Obie.
- She wasn't.

Luna is wrong.

She has the wrong dates,
the wrong information.

George, the GM of The
Crosby, begs to disagree.

- Shall I call him?
- This is getting out of hand.

- Are you seeing a third person?
- No.

Jake, when you came
to town last week

for your interview
with Columbia,

you stayed at The Crosby,
didn't you? I paid for it.

And you promised this
wouldn't happen again.

Can we please not
talk about this here?

- Oh, my God!
- Your brother?

We didn't mean to.

- Wait, Grace.
- Grace, wait.

- Let's go.
- What?

Even I didn't see
that twincest coming.

- I hope you're happy.
- You think I wanted this?

We thought you left.

Oh, well, you
thought wrong again.

Okay. Uh, in hindsight,

we may not have gone about
this in the best way.

You think?

Okay, you have to admit
you've been withholding.

I mean...

No, I know you've been
wanting me to bottom,

and I want to. I've
just been scared.

It's new to me, and
I feel vulnerable.

And I got nervous,

and I got embarrassed
for getting so nervous.

So I went to Rex for
advice and guidance,

and he told me to practice.

And now, I'm so wildly
uncomfortable telling you this.

And the PrEP?

You're Max Wolfe.

We haven't had that
conversation yet.

He's right. We haven't.

You know the only people I
wanna be with is both of you.

You never said that as a rule.

Consider it said and done.

Yeah, and look, as
for the other thing?

We're happy to wait. I
mean, there's no rush.

I don't wanna wait. I'm ready.

- Camille de Haan's a cuck queen!
- Don't kinkshame!

I'm not! It's f*cking hot.

I feel strangely bad for Monet.

Well, yeah, 'cause her mom
called her out in public?

It's gonna be on
Gossip Girl in minutes.

At least our shame's only
on repeat in our heads.

Th... theirs is... one
click away, forever.

Hmm. You know, I also
feel somehow responsible.

Her parents are responsible
for Monet, not you.

I always thought the problem
was the kids' entitlement,

but that comes from
somewhere else.

Mm-hmm. The parents
are the true monsters.

The kids are simply
modeling their behavior.

But I don't know why
it's taken me so long

to really see that.

Oh, you just needed a good
teacher to point it out.

I'll, uh, go get the coats?

♪ See the clouds
we'll be walkin' on ♪

♪ Coach won't put him
in the game, no, no ♪

♪ Rudy baby, I don't
feel the same ♪

- Zoya, please! I can explain. Z.
- Explain what? What's going on?

Is this about the Grace thing?

You wanna tell her, or should I?

I told you I was going to
break some hearts tonight.

But what I have to share isn't
exactly a lovers' quarrel.

They say nothing is stronger
than the bond between a father

and a daughter. But we have it
confirmed that Nicholas Lott

has committed the
ultimate betrayal.

He made a deal with a devil

known as Davis Calloway.

Nothing worse than
taking blood money

to keep up with the Joneses.

Tell me this isn't true.

Heavy is the crown?

No wonder Julien
shaved her head.

I could've made my parents
a New York Post story.

It... it could've
ruined their careers.

And for what? I mean...
They're just having fun.

Don't ask me. I haven't
even seen my parents

since last summer.

What if I don't
want to be loved?

Love only exposes
you to trouble.

Isn't it better to
hate and be hated?

No. Not at all.

f*ck.

I want to be loved.

Me, too. Me f*cking too.

There's no such thing
as a love story.

Because for it to be a story,

it would have to have
a beginning, a middle,

and an end.

♪ Shall we all talk paternal? ♪

♪ Shall we all
talk Of the sun? ♪

♪ Everything runs in circles ♪

♪ Everything comes undone ♪

- You ready?
- Yes.

And love doesn't end.

It changes.

It grows.

It dims, and it dies.

But even then, it's never over.

It lives in your shadows,
waiting to wake you

in the middle of the night...

Zoya? Julien?

To tap you on your shoulder

when you least expect it.

A splinter you
can never get out.

Oh, baby. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

♪ She's doing her own thing ♪

♪ Doesn't it seem
Quite obvious... ♪

I'm so glad you called.

Um, I'm so glad you answered.

I had an absolutely
horrible night,

and the only person that I
wanted to talk to about it

was someone that I
don't know at all.

Is that okay?

I need someone who doesn't know

about all of the sh*t that
I've been dealing with.

Somebody brand new.

Could you be that person?

I'm Graham.

Julien.

Each love is a
crime that haunts us

and we pile up crimes as we go.

♪ Illuminating all
things The same ♪

So much for our non-romantic,

completely unsexy
Valentine's Day.

I'll get you some water.

Okay.

And while we tell ourselves

we'll never get caught,

we know we always will.

It's only a matter of time

till we commit our next crime.

And this one, we swear...

will be our last.

Spoiler alert, it's
never the last.

What the fu...